The Leading Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time! (And Fix Bad Sex): Tracey Cox | E247

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ait0WaCNCw

[00:00] You've written 17 books on the topic of sex.
[00:03] So, my first question, how do we have the best sex of our lives?
[00:07] That's the question everybody wants to know.
[00:09] The first thing is Tracy Cox.
[00:11] The world's most celebrated sex expert.
[00:14] She's got the answers to the questions you've always wanted to know and has a secret to a great sex life.
[00:20] There is a decline of sex, isn't there?
[00:21] Yes, there's a sex recession.
[00:23] If you haven't had sex for a year with your partner, it is very unlikely you're going to have sex again.
[00:29] Oh, really?
[00:30] Are you hopeful that we can turn that around?
[00:33] Yes, absolutely.
[00:33] The key thing is women fake their orgasms.
[00:35] We have known that women don't orgasm through penetrative sex since Kama Sutra.
[00:40] And yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah.
[00:42] Yeah, I've heard about that."
[00:43] Women aren't having very many orgasms during partner sex.
[00:45] They're always fake.
[00:47] The way to solve the whole orgasm thing is How do we predict if someone's going to cheat on us?
[00:51] Number one, being close doesn't actually protect you against infidelity.
[00:53] You become so close to your partner that you're best friend, you just don't see them as a sexual partner anymore.
[01:00] them as a sexual partner anymore.
[01:03] If you understand how sex works and if you can understand how sex works and if you can make sex good with your partner, affairs
[01:05] make sex good with your partner, affairs can be so preventable in so many
[01:07] can be so preventable in so many different ways.
[01:08] different ways.
[01:10] Women get bored way quicker than men.
[01:12] Men don't get bored because they get the orgasm as a reward.
[01:14] You need to give women interesting erotic sex and then
[01:16] they'll be interested.
[01:17] Otherwise, they're not going to be interested.
[01:19] I've noticed a trend that amongst my
[01:21] friendship group, a startling amount of
[01:22] them are in sexless relationships. Yep.
[01:25] What are some of the most important solutions?
[01:26] If you want to have great sex, you need
[01:28] sex, you need That's what you have to do if you want a
[01:30] That's what you have to do if you want a good sex life.
[01:31] good sex life.
[01:32] I think that's phenomenal advice.
[01:35] I have some breaking news.
[01:38] And no, this is an emergency.
[01:40] I've spent the last 2 years writing a book and I've
[01:44] the last 2 years writing a book and I've written 33 laws for business, marketing,
[01:48] written 33 laws for business, marketing, and life that I derive from all of these
[01:49] and life that I derive from all of these conversations I've had here.
[01:51] I traveled the world to write this book.
[01:52] I traveled the world to write this book.
[01:53] I interviewed some of the most incredible
[01:56] people. I did 6 months of extensive research on
[01:59] 6 months of extensive research on scientific studies and principles to
[02:01] scientific studies and principles to corroborate everything that I wrote into these 33 laws.
[02:06] And ladies and gentlemen, that book called The Diary of a CEO, the 33 laws for business, marketing, and life is now available for pre-order.
[02:19] And there are 5,000, only 5,000, signed copies.
[02:26] And it's first come, first serve.
[02:28] The link is in the bio right now.
[02:30] So, if you want that book, honestly, it's the best book I've ever written.
[02:32] It's the book I always should have written.
[02:34] It's the book I also wish someone had written for me when I was starting out in my career.
[02:39] I'm really proud of it.
[02:40] I'm really, really proud of it.
[02:42] Really, really proud of it.
[02:43] And I can't wait for all of you to get to read it.
[02:44] It's out in August.
[02:46] I couldn't be more excited about this as you can probably tell.
[02:47] I don't know what to say to say other than the words I've said to emphasize my excitement cuz I think it's important and I think it's really valuable.
[02:55] Um, link in the description.
[03:04] Tracy, Tracy, I reached out to my team and I told my team that I wanted to have a conversation with the individual in the world that was best and most educated and most engaging on the subject matter of sex because I've noticed a bunch of things in my personal life and the lives of my friends and those around me.
[03:28] Um, and I feel like people aren't having the right types of conversation about sex.
[03:33] I feel like we're avoiding it as a society and I feel like sex is so intrinsically linked to performance and well-being and business and all the things I usually talk about.
[03:41] So, they found you and that's why you're here.
[03:43] So, my first question is who are you and what do you do?
[03:49] What is your mission?
[03:52] Right, I'm not a trained sex therapist, which is what everybody thinks I am.
[03:54] I'm a sex educator.
[03:58] Um, which is which I think means that what I do is I look at all the research and look at all the the sort of what's going on in the sex world.
[04:04] sort of what's going on in the sex world in sort of in academic sense.
[04:07] And then I work out, okay, so that's all well and good, but what does this mean for you and I?
[04:11] Well, not necessarily you and I together, but people in the bedroom.
[04:13] So, I bring it down to a sort of level that is more practical, that all my books are very much like, right, so here's what we now know about sex, here's how this is going to help you in bed.
[04:27] So, I think my job is to sort of get the research and make it into something that, you know, the average person can understand and make it work for them.
[04:34] So, I sort of, yeah, I'm a I'm a sex educator is a better way to describe me.
[04:38] You know, part of the reason I wanted to speak to you, as I said at the start of this conversation, is because I've noticed a trend.
[04:41] I started to like smell it amongst my friendship group where a startling amount of them are in sexless relationships.
[04:52] Yep. And they're not they're not, you know, your book here says great sex starts at 50.
[04:56] My friends are the friends I'm talking about are in their 30s.
[05:00] Yes. And I I And there's lots of things here.
[05:02] There's lots of thoughts and I want to figure out which ones are true.
[05:04] So,
[05:06] out which ones are true.
[05:08] So, I'm I'm going to say a bunch of things which are inherently naive and I know they are.
[05:09] So, the first one is like, why aren't they having sex uh more often and and is that a is that a problem?
[05:16] Are their partners to blame because they seem to want to have sex and their partners don't?
[05:22] Um, is it wrong?
[05:24] Are those relationships therefore broken and should they break up with their partners because they're not having that much sex?
[05:29] Um, so we'll go into all of that, but let's start with this this the point you raised about how lust and love are not necessarily great bedfellows.
[05:39] Um, how does one, if they're in that situation where they really love their partner, they're really, really close to their partner, um, but they're feeling like the intimacy has ran out the back door because of, you know, that sexual intimacy has ran out the back door, how do we create that balance?
[05:53] You talk about something called otherness, which I thought was really compelling.
[05:57] In in your new book.
[06:00] Such a such a big question that is because that's the question everybody wants to know, how do you keep desire going long-term?
[06:05] Um, the otherness thing is all about it
[06:09] Um, the otherness thing is all about it the close couples kind of become like.
[06:11] the close couples kind of become like Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
[06:13] They don't do anything separately.
[06:16] But you you need to have separateness from your partner.
[06:17] And this is why during COVID no one had sex at all.
[06:20] In the beginning it was like, fantastic, we can have sex at 11:00 in the morning.
[06:24] And then it was like, oh, we can have sex anytime we want.
[06:25] How unappealing is that?
[06:27] You know, the more available something is, the less we want it.
[06:32] But the you need to separate from your partner.
[06:34] You need to be you know, have your own identity and your identity with your partner.
[06:38] And that's the otherness that I talk about is seeing your partner in the real world and seeing them when you're not with them.
[06:47] Like so many couples only ever see each other at home in their house.
[06:52] They never see each other out.
[06:54] And if you go out, I remember once very early on into the relationship with my husband, Miles, he was walking through restaurant and I'd arrived first and he hadn't seen me.
[07:03] I was he was walking through the restaurant and I saw a couple of women look over at him and I was like, [ __ ] you know, he's really
[07:10] was like, you know, he's really attractive.
[07:12] Well, I knew that, but he's, attractive.
[07:12] Well, I knew that, but he's, you know, and if I don't, you know, he's you know, and if I don't, you know, he's he's out there all the time, you know,
[07:16] he's out there all the time, you know, like people are going to be attracted to him.
[07:19] So, it sort of makes you lift your game a bit.
[07:21] So, you need that.
[07:21] If you see your partner at home and you, you know, hi, hi, you only ever see them come through the front door, they become too safe.
[07:30] And I think when people say, "Oh, my partner would never cheat on me."
[07:35] I think, how rude is that to think that your partner's never going to cheat on you, no matter what you do to them, no matter how horrible you are?
[07:40] That's terrible.
[07:42] That's like saying your partner, you know, is just a doormat that you can do whatever.
[07:46] I like to think that, you know, my partner's not going to cheat on me, but, you know, that makes me think that if I pledge monogamy, I pledge that I'm going to sexually satisfy my partner.
[07:56] I think you have an obligation to do that.
[07:58] And I'm going to keep myself looking good because love is, you know, kind, but it's not blind.
[08:03] And I'm going to do all sorts of things.
[08:04] I think it's a real insult.
[08:06] If some If Miles said to me, "I know you'd never cheat on me."
[08:07] I'd be like, "Huh."
[08:09] I don't take that as a compliment, would
[08:11] I don't take that as a compliment, would you?
[08:12] you?
[08:12] Um, I think it's important to know that
[08:16] Um, I think it's important to know that your partner will go and leave you if
[08:19] your partner will go and leave you if you drop the ball in a variety of
[08:21] you drop the ball in a variety of different ways.
[08:22] And I think that one of the interesting points you raised there
[08:23] the interesting points you raised there is about like physical appearance or
[08:26] is about like physical appearance or keeping yourself well or keeping
[08:27] keeping yourself well or keeping yourself attractive.
[08:29] Do you think, and I've asked a few people this over time,
[08:31] I've asked a few people this over time, do you think we have an obligation to
[08:33] do you think we have an obligation to stay
[08:34] stay in shape, attractive, whatever it might be for our partners?
[08:36] be for our partners? Yes, absolutely.
[08:40] I don't mean like you have to have facelifts or, you know, anything like that,
[08:41] facelifts or, you know, anything like that, but you you should keep yourself
[08:43] that, but you you should keep yourself as attractive as you can, each of you.
[08:46] as attractive as you can, each of you.
[08:48] And I think, you know,
[08:50] And I think, you know, And that's not just a physical thing, I have to say.
[08:51] And that's not just a physical thing, I have to say. It's it can be an
[08:52] have to say. It's it can be an intellectual thing.
[08:53] intellectual thing. exactly.
[08:55] exactly. It's an intellectual thing as well because desire goes and especially,
[08:58] well because desire goes and especially, you know, the, you know, grumpy old man,
[08:59] you know, the, you know, grumpy old man, grumpy old woman thing.
[09:02] grumpy old woman thing. When people age,
[09:04] I think that they become very set in their ways and, you know, become quite,
[09:06] their ways and, you know, become quite, you know, you don't want to be the
[09:07] you know, you don't want to be the bitter and twisted person.
[09:08] bitter and twisted person. You could look like, you know, a Greek god and if
[09:11] look like, you know, a Greek god and if you're bitter and twisted, your
[09:12] you're bitter and twisted, your partner's still not going to want to
[09:13] partner's still not going to want to sleep with you.
[09:15] So, yes, I do think we owe it to each other to say, you know,
[09:17] owe it to each other to say, you know, to look as good as you can and to be as
[09:19] to look as good as you can and to be as positive as you can.
[09:21] There is nothing less sexy than being with somebody who's
[09:25] miserable all the time, who's a negative person.
[09:27] miserable all the time, who's a negative person.
[09:28] person. It's so interesting that I some of the
[09:30] It's so interesting that I some of the most attractive things I find in my
[09:31] most attractive things I find in my partner are when I look over and see her
[09:37] partner are when I look over and see her doing her work and her things.
[09:38] doing her work and her things. Yes.
[09:39] Yes. So, actually, it's funny, I she she
[09:40] So, actually, it's funny, I she she doesn't actually know this, but but last
[09:43] doesn't actually know this, but but last night I came home from work very, very
[09:44] night I came home from work very, very late cuz I was I was out did some talks
[09:46] late cuz I was I was out did some talks at the
[09:47] at the and I came home and I got in through the
[09:48] and I came home and I got in through the door and I my partner was sat at the
[09:50] door and I my partner was sat at the kitchen table. It was about 11:00 p.m.
[09:52] kitchen table. It was about 11:00 p.m. at night designing her new studio on her
[09:55] at night designing her new studio on her laptop with her headphones on.
[09:57] laptop with her headphones on. And I just found that really I took a
[09:58] And I just found that really I took a photo.
[10:00] photo. And it's on my phone. And I took a photo
[10:01] And it's on my phone. And I took a photo cuz I'm like I'm proud of her in one
[10:02] cuz I'm like I'm proud of her in one sense, but it was really lovely that
[10:04] sense, but it was really lovely that when I walked through the door,
[10:06] when I walked through the door, it wasn't about me. Mhm. She was busy
[10:09] it wasn't about me. Mhm. She was busy doing her own stuff. Doing her own
[10:10] doing her own stuff. Doing her own stuff.
[10:10] stuff. Yeah. And I kind of like walked past and
[10:12] Yeah.
[10:13] And I kind of like walked past and I could almost see how some people might find it find that threatening.
[10:15] I could almost see how some people might find it find that threatening.
[10:16] I like, "Well, hey, babe." Give her a kiss like on then she kind of like kisses me back,
[10:18] but then goes back to the laptop.
[10:19] I'm like,
[10:20] "This is nice."
[10:22] And I went I went over and I sat on the sofa on my own and just watched Manchester United, but there was something really attractive about it.
[10:24] watched Manchester United, but there was something really attractive about it.
[10:25] Yeah.
[10:27] Of course there is.
[10:29] I mean, watching somebody at work doing what they love is is the moment when yeah,
[10:31] that you're like, "Wow, this person's amazing."
[10:33] I mean, I would hate to be a person who, you know, the partner's at home waiting for you.
[10:35] Yeah.
[10:38] And where are you?
[10:40] And it's all about So, what have you done?
[10:41] Nothing much.
[10:42] How was your day?
[10:43] Yeah.
[10:46] That's not It's not healthy for a relationship.
[10:47] That puts it too much on one person.
[10:49] If you want to have great sex, you need to have an interesting life.
[10:50] You need to be doing interesting things.
[10:51] You know, you're not going to be having great sex if you're boring and you do the same thing every single day because you just end up doing the same boring sex.
[10:53] You need stimulation all the time.
[10:54] And that routineness is the the enemy of Yeah.
[10:56] The killer for women.
[10:58] The killer for women.
[10:59] Because women are the ones that find monogamy boring, not men.
[11:02] If
[11:13] that find monogamy boring, not men.
[11:16] If you say to men, "Right, you could have the same sex, pretty much do the same thing every single time, three times a week for the rest of your life with this person."
[11:23] Most men would go, "All right."
[11:25] Sounds all right to me.
[11:27] If you said that to a woman, she would go, "You have kidding me."
[11:31] But this is what's happening.
[11:33] Women get bored way quicker than men.
[11:37] And they do so because our orgasm is far more complicated than yours.
[11:39] I mean, intercourse is usually the main event for most couples' sex.
[11:43] Intercourse is like the the big bit that everyone aims for, right?
[11:47] And that's great for men because intercourse very successfully stimulates the penis.
[11:52] You know, the penis wants to rub it in and out of something.
[11:53] The vagina does a great job.
[11:54] Fabulous.
[11:56] For women, the clitoris is outside the vagina, but some of it is inside and you know, because the clitoris isn't that little tip, by the way.
[12:02] It looks like a wishbone.
[12:04] Imagine a wishbone and the tip of the clitoris is at the top and then it goes down the sides of the legs, right?
[12:10] That's the clitoris.
[12:13] Amazing.
[12:15] 10 cm long.
[12:17] So, because the clitoris is in on the outside of the vagina, in on the outside of the vagina, intercourse doesn't cut it for most women.
[12:19] Only 80 No, 20% of women can climax through penetrative sex.
[12:22] 20%.
[12:25] Right?
[12:27] That means 80% of women are not having their orgasms through intercourse.
[12:29] So, if you're going to serve up the same routine sex and most couples have sex the same way over and over again every time they have sex, and that's your lot as a female, you're having sex which doesn't give you an orgasm.
[12:31] You're having sex which doesn't isn't exciting, isn't erotic, isn't it you know, in any way really interesting, women get bored.
[12:34] Men don't get bored because they get the orgasm as a reward.
[12:36] Women get bored because the sex is just not the right sex for them.
[12:38] So, women's desire for sex goes down so much faster than men's does.
[12:40] So, you need to give women interesting erotic sex and then they'll be interested, but otherwise, they're not going to be interested.
[12:42] There are 80% of women listening now that can relate.
[12:44] Yes.
[12:47] So,
[13:17] So, and it's funny cuz I was speaking to a friend of mine.
[13:20] I told them that I was going to have this conversation with you.
[13:22] And I said, "What would you like me to to say?"
[13:24] And they this was the question they had and it's linked to what you just said.
[13:26] They said, "I'm in a relationship where my partner is having um the same sex over and over again.
[13:31] He's coming very quickly during sex.
[13:34] And I don't know how to broach the conversation with him about like this isn't working for me um without like embarrassing him or whatever it might be.
[13:42] What advice would you give to that person?
[13:45] Gosh, talking about sex is is just the thing.
[13:49] I mean, do you talk about sex with your girlfriend?
[13:51] How long have you been together?
[13:52] Four years now.
[13:53] Oh, well done. We're just very open with things.
[13:55] Yeah. Well done. That's really good.
[13:57] Because most people talk a lot about sex in the beginning when it's all going well.
[14:00] Like, aren't we amazing?
[14:01] That wasn't that great.
[14:02] All that sort of stuff.
[14:03] The minute there's problems, they tail off.
[14:06] And every sex problem can be solved if you talk about it.
[14:08] If you don't talk about sex, the tiniest sex problem can ruin your whole sex life.
[14:13] And the reason people don't talk about sex is that they're worried exactly where she just said that they're going to hurt their
[14:18] said that they're going to hurt their partner, that they're going to upset partner, that they're going to upset them.
[14:21] Well, you just be really tactful about it.
[14:24] And I always talk about the the compliment sandwich.
[14:26] So, say you want to say So, she wants him to be what?
[14:28] Give her more foreplay?
[14:30] Something like that?
[14:33] Yeah, just he's he's he's reaching orgasm too quickly and then she's obviously not enjoying it because uh he's over and she's still not, you know, had her her orgasm.
[14:43] No.
[14:43] Well, the mantra for that is she comes first.
[14:45] Always.
[14:46] The way to solve the whole orgasm thing in several ways.
[14:48] One of One of the ways is to have, you know, give her her orgasm through oral sex, fingers, uh vibrator and then you go on to intercourse, which is when he gets his orgasm.
[14:57] So, that's a very I mean, it's what a lot of um couples do.
[15:01] A lot of straight couples do.
[15:02] You'll notice actually when I talk about sex, I talk about straight couples.
[15:05] The reason why is that gay couples have a lot better time of it because they've got the same issues going on.
[15:10] So, it sort of helps if you go in lots of ways.
[15:12] Um but I would say, don't worry so much about
[15:18] I would say, don't worry so much about like.
[15:18] Like if you say to if she said to her.
[15:20] If you say to if she said to her partner,
[15:21] Partner, "Look, I really love our sex. I love our
[15:24] "Look, I really love our sex. I love our sex. I particularly like it when you do X, but you know when you used to do Y, give me more foreplay, give me oral sex.
[15:25] sex. I particularly like it when you do X, but you know when you used to do Y, give me more foreplay, give me oral sex.
[15:28] give me more foreplay, give me oral sex. I really really love that. Can we do more of that?"
[15:30] I really really love that. Can we do more of that?"
[15:32] So, you're not saying,
[15:34] "Actually, you you're not not lasting long enough."
[15:36] And not lasting long enough.
[15:37] And not lasting long enough is not going to be an issue with most women because they don't have their orgasms through intercourse anyway.
[15:39] enough is not going to be an issue with most women because they don't have their orgasms through intercourse anyway.
[15:40] So, I think that men need to calm down about that.
[15:42] I think that men need to calm down about that. They feel like they have to go on forever and ever and ever and it's like,
[15:44] that. They feel like they have to go on forever and ever and ever and it's like,
[15:46] "Well, she's not going to orgasm that way anyway."
[15:47] "Well, she's not going to orgasm that way anyway."
[15:49] She's going to feel like she has to.
[15:50] And then you get the faking it and all that sort of stuff comes into it.
[15:52] But talking about sex is such a huge issue for people.
[15:54] And the funny thing about talking about sex is that once you've done it once, it's it's the first conversation, especially, you know, I deal with couples who haven't talked about sex for 30 years.
[15:57] issue for people. And the funny thing about talking about sex is that once you've done it once, it's it's the first conversation, especially, you know, I deal with couples who haven't talked about sex for 30 years.
[15:59] And that first conversation is excruciating.
[16:02] You know, you're so like, "Oh my god, this is awful.
[16:05] I just want the you know, earth to move like open and get rid of me."
[16:19] to move like open and get rid of me.
[16:21] But once you move past that that initial awkwardness, which seriously lasts like 3 minutes,
[16:25] then all of a sudden it this relief.
[16:27] The amount of couples you say, "Oh my god, like I can say actually I don't really like it when you do that.
[16:30] Can you do this?"
[16:32] And like, you know, "Does it worry you that, you know, my erection isn't as hard as it was when I was young?"
[16:36] And and you get reassurance and then they're falling over themselves.
[16:40] You will never ever ever regret trying to talk about sex with your partner.
[16:43] It is the number one thing you can do for your relationship.
[16:45] So, she should think about what she wants.
[16:49] Be very specific.
[16:53] Men particularly like they respond best to very specific instructions.
[16:56] So, instead of saying, "Look, this sex isn't working for me because, you know, you you're climaxing too fast and then all of a sudden it's over and I'm just left high and dry."
[17:06] If you say, "This is my idea of the perfect sex session.
[17:08] Can you just like let's just take turns, you know, we each have we each design our own perfect sex session.
[17:15] You know, I could you start with kissing, you could move on to kissing my neck.
[17:19] I really like it if you play with
[17:21] neck. I really like it if you play with my breasts and then I love oral sex, but
[17:23] my breasts and then I love oral sex, but could you do it for a bit longer?
[17:25] Very specific.
[17:27] specific. And people are like, "Well, that's like
[17:28] And people are like, "Well, that's like telling you, you know, saying you like
[17:29] telling you, you know, saying you like can you say you love me?"
[17:31] can you say you love me?" And then they say, "I love you back."
[17:33] But no. Giving instructions in sex is really
[17:35] Most people are really grateful for it.
[17:37] And it might feel a bit awkward the session
[17:39] it might feel a bit awkward the session after that where he's thinking, "Oh my
[17:41] after that where he's thinking, "Oh my god, I'm just doing exactly what she
[17:42] god, I'm just doing exactly what she says. Isn't this embarrassing?"
[17:44] says. Isn't this embarrassing?" And then all of a sudden you forget about it.
[17:46] all of a sudden you forget about it. And then the next session and the next
[17:47] then the next session and the next session is like flowing and great.
[17:50] Okay, so couple of counterpoints here just from personal experience.
[17:51] so couple of counterpoints here just from personal experience. One of the
[17:53] from personal experience. One of the things I've always been a bit conscious
[17:55] things I've always been a bit conscious of.
[17:57] Or no, one of the things that I think has irked me a little bit is
[17:59] think has irked me a little bit is and this goes back to what you said
[18:00] and this goes back to what you said about lust, this kind of spontaneity and
[18:03] about lust, this kind of spontaneity and then the uh the riskiness of it is I
[18:05] then the uh the riskiness of it is I don't want rules.
[18:08] don't want rules. You know?
[18:11] Like I don't want Rules. I don't want to be I don't want to be in instructed during sex or
[18:14] want to be in instructed during sex or or or or even worse,
[18:17] or or or even worse, I don't like that.
[18:18] I don't like that. Do it like this.
[18:19] Oh, no, not It kind of kills the like I think
[18:21] It kind of kills the like I think sometimes you can become a little bit.
[18:23] sometimes you can become a little bit like boy being told off by his mom.
[18:24] like boy being told off by his mom.
[18:26] boy being told off by his mom. You know what I mean?
[18:27] what I mean? Yeah.
[18:29] I I that can then that can have an impact on one's erect erection erection and then their like mindset.
[18:32] impact on one's erect erection erection and then their like mindset.
[18:34] I think sometimes for guys, so much of sex is flowing, feeling like you can flow.
[18:37] sometimes for guys, so much of sex is flowing, feeling like you can flow.
[18:41] Mhm. Sometime if you get like if you got critical feedback during sex, that's like a pressure stress which then the erection might not, you know, hold out.
[18:43] Sometime if you get like if you got critical feedback during sex, that's like a pressure stress which then the erection might not, you know, hold out.
[18:45] critical feedback during sex, that's like a pressure stress which then the erection might not, you know, hold out.
[18:46] like a pressure stress which then the erection might not, you know, hold out.
[18:48] pressure stress which then the erection might not, you know, hold out.
[18:50] might not, you know, hold out. Well, first of all, it's natural for an erection to come and go during any sex session.
[18:52] Well, first of all, it's natural for an erection to come and go during any sex session.
[18:54] erection to come and go during any sex session.
[18:56] So, that's not really important. But maybe yeah, criticism isn't great.
[18:58] important. But maybe yeah, criticism isn't great.
[18:59] isn't great. Like, don't do it like that. Move over here or or in a very barking, you know, sergeant major, you know, "Can you move to the left?"
[19:01] that. Move over here or or in a very barking, you know, sergeant major, you know, "Can you move to the left?"
[19:03] barking, you know, sergeant major, you know, "Can you move to the left?"
[19:04] know, "Can you move to the left?" That's not so great.
[19:08] not so great. But if you if you do it I mean, often men do it's do don't hit the spot and they are doing it wrong.
[19:11] mean, often men do it's do don't hit the spot and they are doing it wrong.
[19:13] spot and they are doing it wrong.
[19:14] And so, do you want women to just lie back and go, "Fuck, it's not even remotely close to where it should be, but I'm going to pretend."
[19:16] do you want women to just lie back and go, "Fuck, it's not even remotely close to where it should be, but I'm going to pretend."
[19:18] go, "Fuck, it's not even remotely close to where it should be, but I'm going to pretend."
[19:19] to where it should be, but I'm going to pretend. Yeah.
[19:21] Yeah. Because that's what And this is why women don't
[19:23] that's what And this is why women don't give men instruction in bed is because
[19:25] give men instruction in bed is because they know that a lot of men don't like
[19:27] they know that a lot of men don't like it.
[19:29] it. A lot of men say, you know, it is you know, it does disrupt the
[19:30] you know, it does disrupt the proceedings.
[19:32] proceedings. But then it's very quickly back on track if you do it, you know, if
[19:34] back on track if you do it, you know, if you go and do what exactly she wants.
[19:37] you go and do what exactly she wants.
[19:40] Personally, I think sexual instruction, you can say or just over to the left a bit or that feels great there.
[19:42] bit or that feels great there.
[19:44] And you know, whenever you can give positive feedback rather than negative
[19:45] positive feedback rather than negative is great.
[19:47] is great. So, giving I'm sure you wouldn't mind if she says, "No, that's
[19:49] wouldn't mind if she says, "No, that's perfect.
[19:50] perfect. Stay there. Stay there. Do it
[19:52] Stay there. Do it for longer."
[19:54] for longer." Yeah, exactly.
[19:54] Yeah, exactly. is the positive framing.
[19:56] is the positive framing. Yeah.
[19:58] Yeah, that's the key thing. The key thing is absolutely that.
[20:00] And then if if maybe you've still haven't aren't haven't hit the spot, then afterwards
[20:03] haven't hit the spot, then afterwards you say, "Actually, um you know, that didn't quite work.
[20:05] didn't quite work. Can I just tell you
[20:07] Can I just tell you where or what works for me?"
[20:08] where or what works for me?" And then demonstrate on your hand or something.
[20:10] demonstrate on your hand or something. That's always a really good way to do
[20:11] it. But yeah, the key is in the positive.
[20:12] positive. No one's going to respond to
[20:14] sex where somebody's going, "Oh, that's not right.
[20:16] not right. Why are you doing that for? That's terrible."
[20:18] That's terrible." You know, "Don't go
[20:19] there. Eh, that doesn't feel anything."
[20:21] You know, "No, that's terrible. That's awful."
[20:23] awful." And those instructional sessions should
[20:25] And those instructional sessions should happen when? Before sex, during sex,
[20:27] happen when? Before sex, during sex, after sex? Well, depends on the couple a
[20:30] after sex? Well, depends on the couple a little bit. I mean, you can use body
[20:31] little bit. I mean, you can use body language during sex. I don't know about
[20:33] language during sex. I don't know about before sex. I think maybe sometimes
[20:36] before sex. I think maybe sometimes after sex, when you're getting on really
[20:38] after sex, when you're getting on really well and, you know, having a few drinks
[20:41] well and, you know, having a few drinks maybe, if you're a drinker, and relaxed
[20:43] maybe, if you're a drinker, and relaxed and just talking generally, that's sort
[20:45] and just talking generally, that's sort of the time to say, "By the way, you
[20:46] of the time to say, "By the way, you know, that" I always think that's a good
[20:47] know, that" I always think that's a good time if you want to try something new.
[20:50] time if you want to try something new. Or to say, "Oh, by the way, my friend
[20:51] Or to say, "Oh, by the way, my friend was talking about doing X, you know,
[20:53] was talking about doing X, you know, what do you think about that?" I always
[20:54] what do you think about that?" I always think things like conversations about
[20:56] think things like conversations about sex that are positive and exciting and,
[20:58] sex that are positive and exciting and, you know, talking about trying new
[20:59] you know, talking about trying new things should happen outside the
[21:01] things should happen outside the bedroom, really.
[21:03] bedroom, really. Um but otherwise, yeah, you do have to
[21:06] Um but otherwise, yeah, you do have to have those instructional sessions, I'm
[21:07] have those instructional sessions, I'm afraid. What if you want to do something
[21:09] afraid. What if you want to do something and your partner doesn't want to do it?
[21:11] and your partner doesn't want to do it? Generally, a request for something new,
[21:14] Generally, a request for something new, a request for anything is just a request
[21:16] a request for anything is just a request for variety. So say your partner says,
[21:18] for variety. So say your partner says, "I want to try having sex outside." And
[21:21] "I want to try having sex outside." And you really don't want to have sex
[21:22] you really don't want to have sex outside. The correct answer to that is,
[21:24] outside. The correct answer to that is, "Look, that's really not my thing, but
[21:27] "Look, that's really not my thing, but you know, why don't we try X?" Most
[21:30] you know, why don't we try X?" Most people, if they want to try something
[21:32] people, if they want to try something new, if you give them, you know, "I'm
[21:33] new, if you give them, you know, "I'm not open to that, but I am open to
[21:35] not open to that, but I am open to something else," then they'll be fine
[21:37] something else," then they'll be fine about it. But I mean, where you get into
[21:39] about it. But I mean, where you get into problems with somebody wanting to try
[21:41] problems with somebody wanting to try something at the other partner not
[21:42] something at the other partner not wanting to try is if it's something a
[21:45] wanting to try is if it's something a bit fetish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and
[21:47] bit fetish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and that's when you get Did you ever watch
[21:49] that's when you get Did you ever watch um Billions? You know, where they she
[21:50] um Billions? You know, where they she she had the fetish of, you know, being
[21:52] she had the fetish of, you know, being whipped and wanting to be the
[21:53] whipped and wanting to be the submissive. And and he just let her go
[21:56] submissive. And and he just let her go off and be satisfied by um a sex worker.
[21:59] off and be satisfied by um a sex worker. That's one option, by the way, if your
[22:00] That's one option, by the way, if your partner has a fetish, is to just go,
[22:02] partner has a fetish, is to just go, "Okay, I accept that you've got this
[22:04] "Okay, I accept that you've got this fetish and it's not for me. So if you if
[22:06] fetish and it's not for me. So if you if it's really so much part of your makeup
[22:08] it's really so much part of your makeup that you can't live without it, then go
[22:10] that you can't live without it, then go off with a sex worker and satisfy it."
[22:11] off with a sex worker and satisfy it." That's the extreme version. But most of
[22:13] That's the extreme version. But most of the time I think or you can meet
[22:15] the time I think or you can meet halfway. Like say um
[22:17] halfway. Like say um say your partner Say you want to have a
[22:19] say your partner Say you want to have a threesome with two women.
[22:21] threesome with two women. Well, then the meeting halfway might be
[22:23] Well, then the meeting halfway might be that you have phone sex with a sex
[22:25] that you have phone sex with a sex worker. Maybe you role-play it. Maybe
[22:28] worker. Maybe you role-play it. Maybe you go to a lap dancing club and she
[22:30] you go to a lap dancing club and she gets a lap dance by someone. There is
[22:32] gets a lap dance by someone. There is There's always some kind of compromise
[22:34] There's always some kind of compromise in there where you can capture a sense
[22:35] in there where you can capture a sense of what the other person wants.
[22:38] of what the other person wants. Okay, so let's go back up to this this
[22:39] Okay, so let's go back up to this this this initial question. My friends,
[22:42] this initial question. My friends, they're in their 30s,
[22:43] they're in their 30s, sexless sexless relationships. They are
[22:46] sexless sexless relationships. They are increasingly frustrated about it, it
[22:48] increasingly frustrated about it, it seems. Um
[22:50] seems. Um It's funny, I've got like Yeah, I've got
[22:52] It's funny, I've got like Yeah, I've got this collection of my best friends who
[22:53] this collection of my best friends who are we're very
[22:54] are we're very talkative and communicative around our
[22:56] talkative and communicative around our sex lives and stuff. And I just noticed
[22:58] sex lives and stuff. And I just noticed that in various ways they're in
[23:00] that in various ways they're in situations where they're not they don't
[23:01] situations where they're not they don't feel like they're getting enough sex
[23:02] feel like they're getting enough sex from their partner and they see it as a
[23:04] from their partner and they see it as a critical problem, which would which
[23:06] critical problem, which would which might result in them, for example, being
[23:08] might result in them, for example, being um
[23:09] um cheating or
[23:11] cheating or um ending the relationship.
[23:14] um ending the relationship. Even in my own um sort of sexual
[23:16] Even in my own um sort of sexual experience, what got me really engaged
[23:19] experience, what got me really engaged with this subject matter was I was in a
[23:20] with this subject matter was I was in a relationship where the part my partner
[23:22] relationship where the part my partner turned around to me one day after 6
[23:24] turned around to me one day after 6 months and said like, "I don't like
[23:25] months and said like, "I don't like having sex."
[23:26] having sex." Oh. Did she say you or did she say she
[23:27] Oh. Did she say you or did she say she or
[23:28] or with me
[23:28] with me with me. Oh. Great. And as he as yeah,
[23:31] with me. Oh. Great. And as he as yeah, as a young man, I I I think with, you
[23:33] as a young man, I I I think with, you know, with an ego, I thought, "Well,
[23:34] know, with an ego, I thought, "Well, what does that mean? That's super
[23:35] what does that mean? That's super emasculating. Does that mean that
[23:37] emasculating. Does that mean that I'm not hitting it right or like do I
[23:40] I'm not hitting it right or like do I maybe it's her problem, you know,
[23:41] maybe it's her problem, you know, whatever." And so I went on that journey
[23:43] whatever." And so I went on that journey What did she mean? So it's interesting
[23:44] What did she mean? So it's interesting because we separated. Yeah. My reaction
[23:47] because we separated. Yeah. My reaction was very like
[23:48] was very like And also,
[23:50] And also, I turned to her and said like, "Why?"
[23:51] I turned to her and said like, "Why?" And she said the next sentence was, "I'm
[23:53] And she said the next sentence was, "I'm not comfortable talking about that with
[23:54] not comfortable talking about that with you."
[23:55] you." Oh. Yeah, so for me that was like the
[23:57] Oh. Yeah, so for me that was like the door had closed.
[23:57] door had closed. Of course it did, cuz where do you go
[23:58] Of course it did, cuz where do you go with that?
[23:59] with that? Yeah, so exactly. So I broke up with
[24:00] Yeah, so exactly. So I broke up with her. Yeah. And um
[24:02] her. Yeah. And um year passes, we both go to different
[24:04] year passes, we both go to different places, we both going to you know,
[24:05] places, we both going to you know, figure ourselves out a little bit. And
[24:07] figure ourselves out a little bit. And on her journey, she really got to
[24:08] on her journey, she really got to understand that the at the heart of her
[24:10] understand that the at the heart of her relationship with sex was this fear that
[24:13] relationship with sex was this fear that had derived from previous relationships
[24:15] had derived from previous relationships where the partner was very forceful, you
[24:17] where the partner was very forceful, you know, um
[24:18] know, um a parent cheating, all of those things
[24:19] a parent cheating, all of those things that we kind of discussed earlier. So it
[24:21] that we kind of discussed earlier. So it wasn't that she
[24:23] wasn't that she necessarily didn't like having sex.
[24:24] necessarily didn't like having sex. There was a lot of psychological work to
[24:26] There was a lot of psychological work to be done
[24:27] be done Right. removing that fear of like
[24:29] Right. removing that fear of like abandonment. And really, if I made her
[24:32] abandonment. And really, if I made her feel safe,
[24:33] feel safe, really really safe, then the sexual
[24:36] really really safe, then the sexual appetite would return. That's what
[24:38] appetite would return. That's what happened. Mm. Oh. So a year later we get
[24:40] happened. Mm. Oh. So a year later we get back together. We end up having the best
[24:42] back together. We end up having the best sex of our lives
[24:43] sex of our lives on an ongoing basis. Um
[24:46] on an ongoing basis. Um and it was because she was able to
[24:50] and it was because she was able to understand I was Okay, so first she was
[24:52] understand I was Okay, so first she was able to understand what was really going
[24:54] able to understand what was really going on. I was able to like be patient enough
[24:56] on. I was able to like be patient enough to like listen and, you know,
[24:58] to like listen and, you know, go for weeks and weeks and months with
[25:00] go for weeks and weeks and months with not having sexual intimacy and just be
[25:02] not having sexual intimacy and just be there,
[25:03] there, which allowed her to feel safe. And then
[25:04] which allowed her to feel safe. And then beyond that we were able to kind of like
[25:06] beyond that we were able to kind of like rebuild it. Thanks for sharing that. And
[25:08] rebuild it. Thanks for sharing that. And we're still together today. Oh my god,
[25:10] we're still together today. Oh my god, so this is your girlfriend?
[25:11] so this is your girlfriend? Yeah. I'll have to ask her for
[25:13] Yeah. I'll have to ask her for permission to say this. I'll show her
[25:14] permission to say this. I'll show her the clip and make sure she's comfortable
[25:15] the clip and make sure she's comfortable with it. But um
[25:16] with it. But um but that's my kind of girlfriend.
[25:18] but that's my kind of girlfriend. story. So we went from a point of I
[25:20] story. So we went from a point of I don't like having sex, I don't like
[25:21] don't like having sex, I don't like having sex, a really really bad
[25:22] having sex, a really really bad situation
[25:24] situation to
[25:25] to the best situation I think one can
[25:26] the best situation I think one can imagine in that department. Obviously,
[25:28] imagine in that department. Obviously, communication was at the heart of it. Of
[25:30] communication was at the heart of it. Of course. Of course.
[25:30] course. Of course. Always, yeah. And giving her space to,
[25:32] Always, yeah. And giving her space to, you know, and and I give the credit to
[25:34] you know, and and I give the credit to her cuz she figured that out. But that's
[25:35] her cuz she figured that out. But that's what got me really into the subject
[25:36] what got me really into the subject matter cuz I've now got loads of friends
[25:38] matter cuz I've now got loads of friends that are in that situation. Mm. What
[25:40] that are in that situation. Mm. What What I would say to your friends is
[25:43] What I would say to your friends is if your partner doesn't want to have sex
[25:45] if your partner doesn't want to have sex with you,
[25:46] with you, I wonder whether how good the sex is
[25:48] I wonder whether how good the sex is because
[25:49] because a lot of women say no. I'm presuming
[25:50] a lot of women say no. I'm presuming these straight couples. A lot of women
[25:53] these straight couples. A lot of women say no to sex because the sex that's on
[25:54] say no to sex because the sex that's on offer is not that interesting to them.
[25:57] offer is not that interesting to them. So for this, we need to talk about sex
[25:59] So for this, we need to talk about sex drives, spontaneous desire versus
[26:01] drives, spontaneous desire versus responsive desire. Have you heard of
[26:03] responsive desire. Have you heard of that? Yes. Yeah. From reading your book.
[26:07] that? Yes. Yeah. From reading your book. So spontaneous desire is 2/3 of men have
[26:09] So spontaneous desire is 2/3 of men have spontaneous desire. And it's the desire
[26:11] spontaneous desire. And it's the desire that everybody has at the beginning. And
[26:13] that everybody has at the beginning. And by the way, if you want to know
[26:14] by the way, if you want to know somebody's resting libido, you can't
[26:16] somebody's resting libido, you can't you've got to wait about a year. You
[26:18] you've got to wait about a year. You have to wait about a year to find out
[26:19] have to wait about a year to find out what their real libido is because it's
[26:21] what their real libido is because it's always so artificially inflated at the
[26:22] always so artificially inflated at the start, right? But so spontaneous desire,
[26:25] start, right? But so spontaneous desire, 2/3 of men have this. It's It's the, you
[26:27] 2/3 of men have this. It's It's the, you know, want to see want to see, you know,
[26:30] know, want to see want to see, you know, seek sex. Want sex, seek sex. They can
[26:32] seek sex. Want sex, seek sex. They can go from People with spontaneous desire
[26:34] go from People with spontaneous desire could be like scrolling through
[26:35] could be like scrolling through Instagram, somebody sexy walks past and
[26:37] Instagram, somebody sexy walks past and it's like, "Wow, I'm instantly aroused
[26:40] it's like, "Wow, I'm instantly aroused for sex." They go from zero to 100 very
[26:42] for sex." They go from zero to 100 very quickly. They seek out their mate, want
[26:45] quickly. They seek out their mate, want sex,
[26:46] sex, and they're off, right?
[26:48] and they're off, right? Responsive desire means that you have no
[26:50] Responsive desire means that you have no desire for sex or very little desire for
[26:52] desire for sex or very little desire for sex until somebody is actually doing
[26:55] sex until somebody is actually doing something to you sexually.
[26:57] something to you sexually. So this is somebody who, you know, maybe
[27:00] So this is somebody who, you know, maybe is with their partner. Their partner
[27:02] is with their partner. Their partner wants to have sex. They're not even
[27:03] wants to have sex. They're not even slightly interested, but goes, "Okay,
[27:05] slightly interested, but goes, "Okay, look, I'll give it a go." Then once
[27:07] look, I'll give it a go." Then once start things start happening, if their
[27:08] start things start happening, if their partner is very good at stimulating them
[27:11] partner is very good at stimulating them and they enjoy the stimulation, all of a
[27:12] and they enjoy the stimulation, all of a sudden they're like, "Yeah, actually,
[27:14] sudden they're like, "Yeah, actually, yeah, I'm enjoying this." That's the
[27:16] yeah, I'm enjoying this." That's the warming up.
[27:17] warming up. That's the warming up, right? Now, 30%
[27:19] That's the warming up, right? Now, 30% of women have responsive desire. The
[27:22] of women have responsive desire. The rest of them are a mix between
[27:23] rest of them are a mix between spontaneous and responsive.
[27:25] spontaneous and responsive. Most men So you've got this situation
[27:27] Most men So you've got this situation where most men have spontaneous desire,
[27:29] where most men have spontaneous desire, most women are responsive. Most men are
[27:32] most women are responsive. Most men are very happy to go straight to genital
[27:34] very happy to go straight to genital sex. They don't need warming up the way
[27:36] sex. They don't need warming up the way their anatomy works. For women, foreplay
[27:39] their anatomy works. For women, foreplay isn't a a luxury, it's a necessity
[27:41] isn't a a luxury, it's a necessity because in order for sex to be
[27:43] because in order for sex to be comfortable, you need the vagina to
[27:45] comfortable, you need the vagina to tent. So it literally puffs up so that
[27:47] tent. So it literally puffs up so that it can, you know,
[27:49] it can, you know, take a a penis comfortably. So if you
[27:52] take a a penis comfortably. So if you don't wait for that to happen and you go
[27:54] don't wait for that to happen and you go male-style sex, go straight for
[27:56] male-style sex, go straight for penetration, she's not even
[27:59] penetration, she's not even off the starting blocks and suddenly
[28:00] off the starting blocks and suddenly you're penetrating, sex isn't great, and
[28:02] you're penetrating, sex isn't great, and then it's all over. So for men, you
[28:04] then it's all over. So for men, you could have like not even thinking about
[28:06] could have like not even thinking about sex to having finished within 10
[28:08] sex to having finished within 10 minutes.
[28:09] minutes. For women, they need time to warm up
[28:12] For women, they need time to warm up because their sex drive is responsive.
[28:14] because their sex drive is responsive. So they've almost like blink and it's
[28:16] So they've almost like blink and it's over and they haven't even got to 5%
[28:19] over and they haven't even got to 5% desire.
[28:20] desire. And this is the problem with
[28:23] And this is the problem with couples. And that's that's with I'm
[28:24] couples. And that's that's with I'm talking about a very basic couple who
[28:26] talking about a very basic couple who probably don't talk about sex and who
[28:27] probably don't talk about sex and who aren't terribly sexually savvy. So I
[28:29] aren't terribly sexually savvy. So I think cuz I think people have an
[28:31] think cuz I think people have an understanding vague understanding that
[28:32] understanding vague understanding that women need more foreplay. I mean, that's
[28:33] women need more foreplay. I mean, that's been drummed into men, hasn't it?
[28:35] been drummed into men, hasn't it? But I think that what women don't
[28:37] But I think that what women don't understand is that women think, you
[28:39] understand is that women think, you know, at the beginning it was great, it
[28:40] know, at the beginning it was great, it was all spontaneous, I desire was there.
[28:43] was all spontaneous, I desire was there. You know, when you get into a long-term
[28:45] You know, when you get into a long-term relationship, desire doesn't tap you on
[28:47] relationship, desire doesn't tap you on the shoulder anymore. You have to create
[28:48] the shoulder anymore. You have to create it.
[28:49] it. And women I think think because they
[28:52] And women I think think because they that spontaneous desire is gone,
[28:54] that spontaneous desire is gone, and they don't feel like sex, it just
[28:56] and they don't feel like sex, it just doesn't come out of the blue unless they
[28:58] doesn't come out of the blue unless they start having sex,
[29:00] start having sex, they think, "Oh, that just must mean I
[29:01] they think, "Oh, that just must mean I don't want sex anymore. Well,
[29:03] don't want sex anymore. Well, something's wrong with me. I don't want
[29:04] something's wrong with me. I don't want sex anymore." You do want sex. It's just
[29:07] sex anymore." You do want sex. It's just that you've got to be
[29:09] that you've got to be have sexy things happening to you before
[29:11] have sexy things happening to you before you feel the desire for sex.
[29:13] you feel the desire for sex. And if people understood that, if women
[29:15] And if people understood that, if women understood it better and stopped saying,
[29:17] understood it better and stopped saying, "Oh, well, it's obviously means my sex
[29:18] "Oh, well, it's obviously means my sex drive's gone." No, it hasn't. It's
[29:20] drive's gone." No, it hasn't. It's there. You've just got to have great
[29:22] there. You've just got to have great stimulation and great sex to get it
[29:24] stimulation and great sex to get it back.
[29:25] back. And the other thing about women is that
[29:27] And the other thing about women is that women we have this thing about that
[29:29] women we have this thing about that women want tame and they want romance
[29:31] women want tame and they want romance and stuff. That's not true. So much
[29:33] and stuff. That's not true. So much research now shows that women like
[29:36] research now shows that women like erotic wild sex. I mean, they've done
[29:38] erotic wild sex. I mean, they've done these experiments with women where
[29:40] these experiments with women where they'll show them erotic videos and
[29:42] they'll show them erotic videos and they'll wire up the genitals to measure
[29:44] they'll wire up the genitals to measure genital response. So when you're aroused
[29:46] genital response. So when you're aroused as a woman, blood flows to the genitals
[29:48] as a woman, blood flows to the genitals same as men, and you lubricate. So,
[29:51] same as men, and you lubricate. So, they're watching all these videos,
[29:53] they're watching all these videos, various sexy videos, and they have to
[29:54] various sexy videos, and they have to say, you know, "Will anything else
[29:56] say, you know, "Will anything else dis-arouse you?" No, because society
[29:58] dis-arouse you?" No, because society says no, we're not supposed to be. And
[30:01] says no, we're not supposed to be. And the genitals are like, "Are you kidding?
[30:02] the genitals are like, "Are you kidding? What are you thinking? This is
[30:03] What are you thinking? This is fantastic. I'm absolutely say yes to
[30:06] fantastic. I'm absolutely say yes to this. Say yes to this." So, the the you
[30:08] this. Say yes to this." So, the the you know, the there's such a big difference
[30:10] know, the there's such a big difference between what we're taught and what we
[30:12] between what we're taught and what we would like. So, if your girlfriend is
[30:15] would like. So, if your girlfriend is saying no to sex and you're in a
[30:16] saying no to sex and you're in a long-term relationship, it's because
[30:18] long-term relationship, it's because you're not giving her interesting enough
[30:19] you're not giving her interesting enough sex. Give her exciting, erotic sex. Give
[30:22] sex. Give her exciting, erotic sex. Give her something like, "Actually, this is
[30:23] her something like, "Actually, this is what we're going to do." I mean, look at
[30:25] what we're going to do." I mean, look at 50 Shades of Grey. That got middle-aged
[30:27] 50 Shades of Grey. That got middle-aged women wanting sex with women who hadn't
[30:29] women wanting sex with women who hadn't wanted sex for 20 years. I remember
[30:31] wanted sex for 20 years. I remember being on a holiday with my husband, and
[30:34] being on a holiday with my husband, and we started talking to this couple, and
[30:35] we started talking to this couple, and it was around the time that 50 Shades
[30:36] it was around the time that 50 Shades came out. And she knew what I did, and
[30:39] came out. And she knew what I did, and she said um she said, "God, I hadn't
[30:41] she said um she said, "God, I hadn't really had great sex with my partner,
[30:43] really had great sex with my partner, wasn't interested in sex, you know, for
[30:45] wasn't interested in sex, you know, for like 10 years. She said, "I read the
[30:47] like 10 years. She said, "I read the book. I'm sitting there 2:00 in the
[30:49] book. I'm sitting there 2:00 in the morning. I'm looking down at my partner.
[30:50] morning. I'm looking down at my partner. I'm thinking,
[30:51] I'm thinking, I really just want to wake him up and
[30:53] I really just want to wake him up and have sex with him."
[30:54] have sex with him." And she said, "And I've never And And
[30:56] And she said, "And I've never And And then she said, 'And I read the books,
[30:58] then she said, 'And I read the books, and suddenly I was back into this erotic
[31:00] and suddenly I was back into this erotic sex with my husband that I'd just
[31:03] sex with my husband that I'd just forgotten I'd forgotten about.' Like,
[31:05] forgotten I'd forgotten about.' Like, you think of sex as like, 'Oh God, here
[31:06] you think of sex as like, 'Oh God, here we go, kissing, bit fumbling, you know.'
[31:08] we go, kissing, bit fumbling, you know.' And then the routine sex. But give
[31:10] And then the routine sex. But give people something interesting. Like, all
[31:12] people something interesting. Like, all your friends, give her really
[31:13] your friends, give her really interesting scenarios. Take her
[31:15] interesting scenarios. Take her somewhere sexy. Push her out of her
[31:17] somewhere sexy. Push her out of her comfort zones. Don't give her romance.
[31:19] comfort zones. Don't give her romance. Don't give her, you know, give her sexy
[31:21] Don't give her, you know, give her sexy sex. And then they'll be interested.
[31:24] sex. And then they'll be interested. Mhm.
[31:27] Mhm. I'm I'm thinking of my friends like
[31:28] I'm I'm thinking of my friends like posing that and how uncomfortable they'd
[31:30] posing that and how uncomfortable they'd feel. Really?
[31:31] feel. Really? Like, "Babe, I want to drive to the
[31:32] Like, "Babe, I want to drive to the countryside and da da da da da." Because
[31:35] countryside and da da da da da." Because you know, when you've been with someone
[31:35] you know, when you've been with someone and you've become that kind of sibling
[31:37] and you've become that kind of sibling thing that you described earlier,
[31:39] thing that you described earlier, they might almost look at you with a bit
[31:41] they might almost look at you with a bit of horror? Horror, yeah. Yeah, you
[31:44] of horror? Horror, yeah. Yeah, you wouldn't go straight from not talking
[31:45] wouldn't go straight from not talking about sex to like, "And we're going to
[31:47] about sex to like, "And we're going to go to a lap dancing club tonight." And
[31:49] go to a lap dancing club tonight." And No, you have to you have to have the
[31:51] No, you have to you have to have the conversation. You have to bite the
[31:52] conversation. You have to bite the bullet and have the conversation because
[31:54] bullet and have the conversation because the thing about sex is relationships, if
[31:56] the thing about sex is relationships, if you haven't had sex for a year with your
[31:58] you haven't had sex for a year with your partner, it is very unlikely you're
[32:00] partner, it is very unlikely you're going to have sex again with your
[32:02] going to have sex again with your partner, unless you confront it head-on.
[32:05] partner, unless you confront it head-on. If you just think, "Yeah, this will
[32:07] If you just think, "Yeah, this will pass, this will pass." It will never
[32:08] pass, this will pass." It will never pass. You're not going to suddenly go,
[32:10] pass. You're not going to suddenly go, "Oh my god, look at that. We haven't had
[32:11] "Oh my god, look at that. We haven't had sex for 5 years. Let's go to bed now."
[32:14] sex for 5 years. Let's go to bed now." No, it's got to the awkward, awkward,
[32:16] No, it's got to the awkward, awkward, awkward stage. So, I mean, 30% of
[32:19] awkward stage. So, I mean, 30% of couples who've been together for 2 years
[32:22] couples who've been together for 2 years or more don't have sex. 2 years, not 10
[32:26] or more don't have sex. 2 years, not 10 years, 2 years. 30%. It is very easy to
[32:30] years, 2 years. 30%. It is very easy to get out of the habit of sex, and once
[32:32] get out of the habit of sex, and once you're out of the habit of sex, the less
[32:34] you're out of the habit of sex, the less often you do it. And then couples get
[32:35] often you do it. And then couples get into this thing where it's like, "God,
[32:37] into this thing where it's like, "God, we haven't had sex for ages, but you
[32:38] we haven't had sex for ages, but you know what? Next weekend we'll have this
[32:40] know what? Next weekend we'll have this marathon sex session, and that'll make
[32:41] marathon sex session, and that'll make up for it all." And then the marathon
[32:43] up for it all." And then the marathon sex session is like, "God, how am I
[32:45] sex session is like, "God, how am I going to find time for that?" Or, you
[32:46] going to find time for that?" Or, you know, "That's a bit daunting." And then,
[32:48] know, "That's a bit daunting." And then, of course, you'd have to have sex for
[32:49] of course, you'd have to have sex for like 6 weeks to make up for the session.
[32:51] like 6 weeks to make up for the session. So, it just becomes more and more
[32:54] So, it just becomes more and more insurmountable. So, I always say to
[32:56] insurmountable. So, I always say to people, just have little bite-size bits
[32:58] people, just have little bite-size bits of sex.
[32:59] of sex. You know, don't have Sex doesn't have to
[33:00] You know, don't have Sex doesn't have to have a beginning, a middle, and an end.
[33:02] have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Like, have a big snogging session. Have
[33:04] Like, have a big snogging session. Have a thing where he gives you oral, you
[33:06] a thing where he gives you oral, you don't do any, you know, give nothing
[33:07] don't do any, you know, give nothing back. Or you give him oral. Or, you
[33:09] back. Or you give him oral. Or, you know, you just do something sensual
[33:12] know, you just do something sensual together. You have a bath together.
[33:14] together. You have a bath together. That's counts as sex. You know, people
[33:16] That's counts as sex. You know, people think sex has to have intercourse in
[33:18] think sex has to have intercourse in there. It doesn't. It's the least
[33:19] there. It doesn't. It's the least favorite bit for women. Take the
[33:21] favorite bit for women. Take the intercourse out.
[33:22] intercourse out. Start doing little bite-size stuff to
[33:24] Start doing little bite-size stuff to reconnect sexually.
[33:25] reconnect sexually. It's like a frog in a frying pan, that
[33:27] It's like a frog in a frying pan, that old analogy of how slowly that, you
[33:29] old analogy of how slowly that, you know, the frog doesn't realize it's
[33:30] know, the frog doesn't realize it's being heated in a frying pan until the
[33:32] being heated in a frying pan until the water is boiling and it's dead. Like, it
[33:33] water is boiling and it's dead. Like, it happens very, very gradually in
[33:34] happens very, very gradually in relationships.
[33:36] relationships. And then you get to a point where you
[33:37] And then you get to a point where you go, "How the hell did we get here?"
[33:38] go, "How the hell did we get here?" Yeah.
[33:39] Yeah. And at that point,
[33:40] And at that point, you have to have the talk. The talk.
[33:42] you have to have the talk. The talk. This is interesting cuz one of my my
[33:43] This is interesting cuz one of my my friends was I was talking to him about
[33:44] friends was I was talking to him about it, and I was saying like, "You've let
[33:46] it, and I was saying like, "You've let it gradually stray so far, and you're
[33:49] it gradually stray so far, and you're currently letting it You're not
[33:50] currently letting it You're not addressing it. You need to stage a
[33:51] addressing it. You need to stage a crisis." Mhm. It's kind of the way I
[33:53] crisis." Mhm. It's kind of the way I framed it to him, which was like, "You
[33:54] framed it to him, which was like, "You need to say
[33:56] need to say stop. Yeah. Like, this relationship has
[33:57] stop. Yeah. Like, this relationship has to stop. We have to have a conversation
[33:58] to stop. We have to have a conversation now because I'm at a point now where
[34:01] now because I'm at a point now where I'm either going to leave this
[34:02] I'm either going to leave this relationship or I'm going to end up
[34:03] relationship or I'm going to end up cheating or something. So, we need to
[34:05] cheating or something. So, we need to fix this together. And it needs to feel
[34:07] fix this together. And it needs to feel important.
[34:08] important. Yeah. Or else it'll be allowed to
[34:09] Yeah. Or else it'll be allowed to simmer. That's exactly right. And of
[34:11] simmer. That's exactly right. And of course, what lots of people do in that
[34:12] course, what lots of people do in that scenario is they just turn to porn.
[34:14] scenario is they just turn to porn. Yeah. And they just satisfy themselves
[34:16] Yeah. And they just satisfy themselves with porn, but that's not ideal,
[34:17] with porn, but that's not ideal, obviously. Why?
[34:18] obviously. Why? But you Well, because it's it's pretty
[34:21] But you Well, because it's it's pretty soulless sex, isn't it? Just watching
[34:23] soulless sex, isn't it? Just watching porn and masturbating. I do you know,
[34:24] porn and masturbating. I do you know, there's It's really funny about porn,
[34:26] there's It's really funny about porn, actually, because
[34:27] actually, because I used to have a great relationship with
[34:30] I used to have a great relationship with porn. I used to say to people all the
[34:31] porn. I used to say to people all the time like, "Porn is your friend. Watch
[34:32] time like, "Porn is your friend. Watch it with your partner. It's great for,
[34:34] it with your partner. It's great for, you know, if you've got a high sex drive
[34:36] you know, if you've got a high sex drive and your partner doesn't, it it, you
[34:37] and your partner doesn't, it it, you know, you can satisfy yourself. It it
[34:39] know, you can satisfy yourself. It it keeps your imagination, you know,
[34:42] keeps your imagination, you know, piqued. You, you know, can satisfy that
[34:44] piqued. You, you know, can satisfy that sense of newness by watching porn." And
[34:47] sense of newness by watching porn." And now porn's moved into a really ugly
[34:50] now porn's moved into a really ugly stage with, you know, there's such a
[34:53] stage with, you know, there's such a a concentration on aggressive acts like
[34:56] a concentration on aggressive acts like spitting, choking. Choking is terrible.
[34:59] spitting, choking. Choking is terrible. Um slapping across the face. It's become
[35:01] Um slapping across the face. It's become very much like that, and young men are
[35:03] very much like that, and young men are growing up to think that this is what a
[35:05] growing up to think that this is what a normal sex session is like. This is
[35:07] normal sex session is like. This is normal, real-life sex. It is not. Porn
[35:09] normal, real-life sex. It is not. Porn is nothing like real-life sex. And then
[35:11] is nothing like real-life sex. And then women look at it and go, "Gosh, right,
[35:13] women look at it and go, "Gosh, right, okay, that's obviously what's expected
[35:15] okay, that's obviously what's expected of me. This is what I have to do." And
[35:16] of me. This is what I have to do." And it's it's moving into a very nasty
[35:18] it's it's moving into a very nasty direction. They say unmet expectations
[35:21] direction. They say unmet expectations equal unhappiness. So, by setting
[35:22] equal unhappiness. So, by setting expectations up here as like, Mhm.
[35:25] expectations up here as like, Mhm. "We're going to do this for an hour, and
[35:26] "We're going to do this for an hour, and I'm going to tie you up and spit on you
[35:27] I'm going to tie you up and spit on you and choke you, and you're going to make
[35:28] and choke you, and you're going to make this sound, and you're going to scream,
[35:30] this sound, and you're going to scream, and you're going to tell me I'm this,
[35:30] and you're going to tell me I'm this, and you're going to say that I'm your
[35:32] and you're going to say that I'm your father whatever." Yeah, yeah. Whatever
[35:33] father whatever." Yeah, yeah. Whatever the thing might be. Then for those unmet
[35:35] the thing might be. Then for those unmet expectations equals unhappiness in the
[35:37] expectations equals unhappiness in the bedroom. You go, "Well, you know,
[35:39] bedroom. You go, "Well, you know, I'm going to have to go looking for
[35:40] I'm going to have to go looking for something else."
[35:40] something else." Exactly. And that's what young men do
[35:42] Exactly. And that's what young men do cuz they think that's what sex is going
[35:43] cuz they think that's what sex is going to be about. It's not. So, then they
[35:45] to be about. It's not. So, then they keep looking for the girls who will give
[35:46] keep looking for the girls who will give them that. And then girls very quickly
[35:48] them that. And then girls very quickly figure out, "Okay, if I want to be
[35:49] figure out, "Okay, if I want to be liked, I have to do that." I've just
[35:51] liked, I have to do that." I've just done a done a big thing on choking, and
[35:54] done a done a big thing on choking, and and I interviewed all these young girls,
[35:56] and I interviewed all these young girls, and it was it was horrifying. It was
[35:58] and it was it was horrifying. It was that they'd been I mean, between 58% of
[36:01] that they'd been I mean, between 58% of college students between the age of, you
[36:03] college students between the age of, you know, like
[36:04] know, like had all been choked. I think
[36:06] had all been choked. I think 30% of them had been asked. And I'm not
[36:09] 30% of them had been asked. And I'm not talking about, you know, symbolic
[36:10] talking about, you know, symbolic choking of just putting a hand on the
[36:11] choking of just putting a hand on the throat, which even that freaks me out.
[36:14] throat, which even that freaks me out. But I'm talking about, you know, cutting
[36:15] But I'm talking about, you know, cutting off wind supply. There was one girl who
[36:18] off wind supply. There was one girl who told me she was 21.
[36:20] told me she was 21. She'd gone out with this guy who seemed
[36:22] She'd gone out with this guy who seemed really nice. He started choking her. She
[36:24] really nice. He started choking her. She said no. She passed out. She woke up
[36:28] said no. She passed out. She woke up next to this guy who was asleep.
[36:31] next to this guy who was asleep. He then said to And then she got herself
[36:33] He then said to And then she got herself out of there and was like, "Oh my god."
[36:35] out of there and was like, "Oh my god." You know, terrified. He texted her the
[36:37] You know, terrified. He texted her the next day and said, "Oh my god, babe, the
[36:39] next day and said, "Oh my god, babe, the sex was awesome. Let's meet up again."
[36:41] sex was awesome. Let's meet up again." And she was she was just like, "How
[36:42] And she was she was just like, "How could you possibly think that that was
[36:43] could you possibly think that that was good?"
[36:44] good?" And that worries me a lot. I think that
[36:47] And that worries me a lot. I think that that I mean, I sex I think is moving in
[36:49] that I mean, I sex I think is moving in a great way in lots of ways,
[36:50] a great way in lots of ways, particularly for young women, except for
[36:52] particularly for young women, except for things like that. I think that is
[36:54] things like that. I think that is terrible. So, you know, you don't want
[36:55] terrible. So, you know, you don't want to be satisfying yourself with porn. But
[36:58] to be satisfying yourself with porn. But you have to have the conversation if sex
[37:00] you have to have the conversation if sex is now out of your marriage. You cannot
[37:02] is now out of your marriage. You cannot just let it go and be the elephant in
[37:03] just let it go and be the elephant in the room because exactly what you said
[37:05] the room because exactly what you said is going to happen. You're going to
[37:05] is going to happen. You're going to leave or you're going to cheat.
[37:08] leave or you're going to cheat. So, you sit down with your partner and
[37:09] So, you sit down with your partner and you say,
[37:11] you say, "Listen, we really need to have a
[37:12] "Listen, we really need to have a discussion about this. I love you
[37:14] discussion about this. I love you desperately.
[37:15] desperately. Um but I miss our sex. I really We used
[37:18] Um but I miss our sex. I really We used to have lovely sex. I love having sex
[37:20] to have lovely sex. I love having sex with you. You're really desirable. It's
[37:22] with you. You're really desirable. It's It's, you know, and I Can we talk about
[37:24] It's, you know, and I Can we talk about why this isn't happening anymore?
[37:26] why this isn't happening anymore? Are you having the sort of, you know, is
[37:28] Are you having the sort of, you know, is it that the sex that we're having isn't
[37:30] it that the sex that we're having isn't doing it for you? What can I do to make
[37:33] doing it for you? What can I do to make you, you know, want to have sex more
[37:35] you, you know, want to have sex more often with me because I would really
[37:36] often with me because I would really love to have sex with you more often.
[37:38] love to have sex with you more often. Can we have a discussion about this?"
[37:40] Can we have a discussion about this?" Okay, I've got friends that have tried
[37:41] Okay, I've got friends that have tried that. And what happened? Um the partner
[37:44] that. And what happened? Um the partner doesn't necessarily know. It's a similar
[37:45] doesn't necessarily know. It's a similar situation to what I the one in the
[37:47] situation to what I the one in the situation I described that I was in
[37:48] situation I described that I was in where my partner turned around and said
[37:50] where my partner turned around and said something because they might not have
[37:52] something because they might not have the information themselves. They go,
[37:53] the information themselves. They go, "Well, I just don't like having it." And
[37:55] "Well, I just don't like having it." And they might not know that the, you know,
[37:56] they might not know that the, you know, the responsive sex language that you
[37:59] the responsive sex language that you talked about, and they might not know
[38:00] talked about, and they might not know what's going on with Oh, I see. The
[38:02] what's going on with Oh, I see. The partner might not know why she doesn't
[38:03] partner might not know why she doesn't want to have sex.
[38:04] want to have sex. Why she or he doesn't like having sex.
[38:06] Why she or he doesn't like having sex. Um And then you kind of hit a wall,
[38:07] Um And then you kind of hit a wall, don't you? Well, that's when you educate
[38:09] don't you? Well, that's when you educate yourself. That's when you give Read a
[38:10] yourself. That's when you give Read a few of my books. Yeah, yeah.
[38:12] few of my books. Yeah, yeah. you a bit of education. But I mean,
[38:15] you a bit of education. But I mean, okay, so the partner who wants sex is
[38:17] okay, so the partner who wants sex is generally more driven. So, maybe they
[38:18] generally more driven. So, maybe they could sexually actually educate
[38:20] could sexually actually educate themselves and say, "You know, I've been
[38:21] themselves and say, "You know, I've been reading up about this. Perhaps it might
[38:23] reading up about this. Perhaps it might be because of this. Can we try having
[38:25] be because of this. Can we try having sex this way?"
[38:26] sex this way?" But it's all about breaching the topic,
[38:29] But it's all about breaching the topic, and then, I mean, depending on the
[38:31] and then, I mean, depending on the reaction, I mean, I know I've, you know,
[38:33] reaction, I mean, I know I've, you know, encouraged some people to have this
[38:34] encouraged some people to have this talk, and then they've got an answer
[38:36] talk, and then they've got an answer which is just startling. Well, they'll
[38:37] which is just startling. Well, they'll say, "I don't want to have sex anymore.
[38:39] say, "I don't want to have sex anymore. I'm not interested in solving this. So,
[38:42] I'm not interested in solving this. So, that's it. So, you just have to put up
[38:43] that's it. So, you just have to put up with it."
[38:44] with it." That's what I That's basically Well,
[38:47] That's what I That's basically Well, what I got. If somebody says that to
[38:48] what I got. If somebody says that to you, and they really and you've tried on
[38:51] you, and they really and you've tried on several occasions, and you I I think
[38:53] several occasions, and you I I think that is grounds for walking out myself.
[38:55] that is grounds for walking out myself. And I did. Yeah.
[38:57] And I did. Yeah. Yeah. And a miracle seems to have Yes,
[39:00] Yeah. And a miracle seems to have Yes, because then people do themselves a
[39:01] because then people do themselves a favor. And sometimes maybe you walk out,
[39:03] favor. And sometimes maybe you walk out, and then the person thinks, "Well, gosh,
[39:05] and then the person thinks, "Well, gosh, actually, that's not very fair." Because
[39:07] actually, that's not very fair." Because monogamy is all about, you know, I
[39:08] monogamy is all about, you know, I pledge to only have sex with one person.
[39:11] pledge to only have sex with one person. Well, if that person withdraws sex, then
[39:13] Well, if that person withdraws sex, then where are you left? Apart from having
[39:16] where are you left? Apart from having solo sex, and, you know, or you have an
[39:19] solo sex, and, you know, or you have an agreement, "Okay, well, if you won't
[39:20] agreement, "Okay, well, if you won't have sex with me, then what are my
[39:22] have sex with me, then what are my options? My options are to satisfy
[39:24] options? My options are to satisfy myself, to cheat,
[39:26] myself, to cheat, to you happy for me to seek the sex
[39:28] to you happy for me to seek the sex elsewhere? And lots of lots of times
[39:30] elsewhere? And lots of lots of times people will say, "Yeah, actually, I am.
[39:32] people will say, "Yeah, actually, I am. I don't want to know about it.
[39:33] I don't want to know about it. I don't want it to be in our friendship
[39:35] I don't want it to be in our friendship group. And we're going to have to have
[39:36] group. And we're going to have to have rules about this, but, you know, some
[39:38] rules about this, but, you know, some women are more than happy with for that
[39:40] women are more than happy with for that to happen." Or some men are more than
[39:41] to happen." Or some men are more than happy for that to happen. It's not just
[39:42] happy for that to happen. It's not just a female thing here. Men go off sex as
[39:44] a female thing here. Men go off sex as well. On this point of porn as well,
[39:47] well. On this point of porn as well, there was I read something recently
[39:48] there was I read something recently about the shame that it's causing in in
[39:51] about the shame that it's causing in in people. Like I I I think the study that
[39:53] people. Like I I I think the study that I read and I'm
[39:54] I read and I'm Yeah, I think I read that, too. About
[39:56] Yeah, I think I read that, too. About 40% of men that use um that masturbate
[39:58] 40% of men that use um that masturbate to porn report to feeling a sense of
[40:00] to porn report to feeling a sense of shame. And then it when we think about
[40:02] shame. And then it when we think about the sort of macro, where we are in sex
[40:04] the sort of macro, where we are in sex as a society right now, there is a
[40:06] as a society right now, there is a decline of sex, isn't there, going on?
[40:08] decline of sex, isn't there, going on? Which is quite concerning.
[40:10] Which is quite concerning. Yeah, there is a there's a sex
[40:12] Yeah, there is a there's a sex recession. And that's very much because
[40:16] recession. And that's very much because I mean, basically, there wasn't a sex
[40:17] I mean, basically, there wasn't a sex recession before social media,
[40:19] recession before social media, streaming, phones. It's all to do with
[40:22] streaming, phones. It's all to do with that. We have too much to do. We
[40:24] that. We have too much to do. We basically just go off sex because we
[40:26] basically just go off sex because we have other things to entertain us. You
[40:27] have other things to entertain us. You know, pre all that, 10:34 on a Saturday
[40:30] know, pre all that, 10:34 on a Saturday night, most couples were having sex.
[40:31] night, most couples were having sex. There was nothing else to do. Mhm. That
[40:33] There was nothing else to do. Mhm. That was it. We just did two, you know,
[40:35] was it. We just did two, you know, there's that going on. So, we're too
[40:36] there's that going on. So, we're too busy. We've got too many other things on
[40:38] busy. We've got too many other things on our plate. That's the main problem with
[40:40] our plate. That's the main problem with long-term couples. Then you have, like,
[40:42] long-term couples. Then you have, like, I think less face-to-face communication,
[40:45] I think less face-to-face communication, which makes which makes people quite
[40:46] which makes which makes people quite nervous. If you haven't had sex before
[40:49] nervous. If you haven't had sex before and you're dealing mainly with, you
[40:51] and you're dealing mainly with, you know, FaceTime calls, you know, video
[40:53] know, FaceTime calls, you know, video calls, which is what you lots of young
[40:55] calls, which is what you lots of young people are, when you're face-to-face,
[40:57] people are, when you're face-to-face, they get very nervous. They don't know
[40:59] they get very nervous. They don't know anything about body language. They don't
[41:01] anything about body language. They don't know how to connect, and sex becomes
[41:04] know how to connect, and sex becomes scary. In Japan, there's something like
[41:07] scary. In Japan, there's something like 30% No, higher. I think more like 45% of
[41:11] 30% No, higher. I think more like 45% of people get to the age of in their 30s
[41:12] people get to the age of in their 30s and they're virgins. They've never even
[41:14] and they're virgins. They've never even had a sexual encounter.
[41:16] had a sexual encounter. And they just And if you don't give your
[41:17] And they just And if you don't give your body sex, your body doesn't want sex.
[41:20] body sex, your body doesn't want sex. So, they could quite happily go through
[41:23] So, they could quite happily go through life completely sexless. That's what's
[41:25] life completely sexless. That's what's going to end up happening with sex. We
[41:27] going to end up happening with sex. We are becoming less and less and less.
[41:28] are becoming less and less and less. And, you know, the more we go into
[41:30] And, you know, the more we go into virtual worlds
[41:31] virtual worlds the more I mean, the amount of people
[41:33] the more I mean, the amount of people who rely on porn for sex, who can't even
[41:34] who rely on porn for sex, who can't even be bothered going out and finding a
[41:36] be bothered going out and finding a partner cuz it's all too difficult.
[41:38] partner cuz it's all too difficult. I mean, we're it's becoming less and
[41:40] I mean, we're it's becoming less and less about the intimacy and more and
[41:41] less about the intimacy and more and more about just the getting off part.
[41:44] more about just the getting off part. We're now in an AI world as well.
[41:45] We're now in an AI world as well. Yes, terrifying. Which is very
[41:47] Yes, terrifying. Which is very interesting. Yes. Because you're now you
[41:49] interesting. Yes. Because you're now you know, we've heard about sex dolls and
[41:51] know, we've heard about sex dolls and stuff like that over the years. But a
[41:53] stuff like that over the years. But a sex doll that can speak to you with such
[41:55] sex doll that can speak to you with such depth and reason and apparent emotional
[41:59] depth and reason and apparent emotional uh nuance and understanding is really,
[42:02] uh nuance and understanding is really, really scary. Mhm. You can think I was
[42:04] really scary. Mhm. You can think I was thinking about I'm thinking about this.
[42:06] thinking about I'm thinking about this. Thinking about all the different ways
[42:07] Thinking about all the different ways that AI is going to disrupt us as like a
[42:09] that AI is going to disrupt us as like a the social fabric of society. And one of
[42:10] the social fabric of society. And one of the really clear ways that was
[42:12] the really clear ways that was you can now have a sex doll in your
[42:14] you can now have a sex doll in your house that speaks to you, that comforts
[42:16] house that speaks to you, that comforts you, that understands your problems,
[42:18] you, that understands your problems, understands what you're going through,
[42:19] understands what you're going through, and can give you unbelievable advice,
[42:21] and can give you unbelievable advice, will never shout at you, will never
[42:23] will never shout at you, will never criticize you, and will please you in a
[42:25] criticize you, and will please you in a in a personalized way. It will learn how
[42:28] in a personalized way. It will learn how to please you.
[42:30] to please you. Sounds great, doesn't it? Fantastic.
[42:32] Sounds great, doesn't it? Fantastic. Let's just swap our partners for that.
[42:34] Let's just swap our partners for that. No, but that is we're right there. We're
[42:36] No, but that is we're right there. We're on the we're on the doorstep of that
[42:37] on the we're on the doorstep of that world.
[42:38] world. And do you know what, though? Think
[42:39] And do you know what, though? Think about all the lonely people.
[42:42] about all the lonely people. Think about all the lonely people that
[42:43] Think about all the lonely people that can now have a companion. I think Think
[42:45] can now have a companion. I think Think about it like that.
[42:46] about it like that. Is it a real connection?
[42:47] Is it a real connection? If you're somebody who can't find a
[42:49] If you're somebody who can't find a companion in real life or you're lonely,
[42:51] companion in real life or you're lonely, I mean, it's better than a dog, isn't
[42:53] I mean, it's better than a dog, isn't it? I mean, it's I I I mean, I think
[42:55] it? I mean, it's I I I mean, I think that's got some really nice applications
[42:57] that's got some really nice applications to it. But it's also got some dire
[42:59] to it. But it's also got some dire applications to it. Because then, you
[43:01] applications to it. Because then, you know, ultimately, we'll end up with a
[43:03] know, ultimately, we'll end up with a with no population, will we, cuz no one
[43:05] with no population, will we, cuz no one will be having sex with a real person.
[43:06] will be having sex with a real person. Yeah.
[43:09] Dave's going to be slightly more less
[43:13] Dave's going to be slightly more less lonely potentially, right? But
[43:16] lonely potentially, right? But Mhm. if we if we go up that exponential
[43:18] Mhm. if we if we go up that exponential curve of improvement, we get to a point
[43:20] curve of improvement, we get to a point where this thing is walking, it's
[43:22] where this thing is walking, it's talking, it is making making your
[43:24] talking, it is making making your breakfast, your dinner, your whatever,
[43:26] breakfast, your dinner, your whatever, then it's satisfying you on demand. And
[43:28] then it's satisfying you on demand. And then you look over at a human and you go
[43:30] then you look over at a human and you go uh
[43:31] uh They're going to be more interesting
[43:32] They're going to be more interesting than humans, aren't they?
[43:34] than humans, aren't they? That's what I'm saying. They're going to
[43:35] That's what I'm saying. They're going to be more interesting, they're going to be
[43:36] be more interesting, they're going to be better in every way at, you know, every
[43:38] better in every way at, you know, every way at
[43:38] way at will be more interesting, surely. You
[43:40] will be more interesting, surely. You you think?
[43:40] you think? like somebody like a It's like a yes
[43:42] like somebody like a It's like a yes person. I don't want a yes person in my
[43:43] person. I don't want a yes person in my life. I want somebody who's going to
[43:45] life. I want somebody who's going to challenge me.
[43:45] challenge me. they do?
[43:46] they do? Yeah. People I think people will choose
[43:49] Yeah. People I think people will choose the short-term Mhm. without thinking
[43:51] the short-term Mhm. without thinking about the long-term of like connection
[43:53] about the long-term of like connection and companionship over time and
[43:55] and companionship over time and challenge and different solving problems
[43:57] challenge and different solving problems and
[43:57] and You'd you know, I think the average
[43:59] You'd you know, I think the average person, if they could be faced with a
[44:00] person, if they could be faced with a with if they were to draw their perfect
[44:02] with if they were to draw their perfect partner, they wouldn't say, "I want
[44:04] partner, they wouldn't say, "I want difficulty No. and challenge and
[44:06] difficulty No. and challenge and sometimes to walk out on arguments and
[44:09] sometimes to walk out on arguments and to be interrupted when the football's
[44:10] to be interrupted when the football's on." Yeah.
[44:11] on." Yeah. Yeah, you're not going to put that in
[44:12] Yeah, you're not going to put that in there. But then I think surely over time
[44:14] there. But then I think surely over time I don't know. I I do worry about AI with
[44:17] I don't know. I I do worry about AI with humans and I don't share, you know, like
[44:19] humans and I don't share, you know, like some people present the argument of
[44:21] some people present the argument of like, "We'll be free to do all these
[44:22] like, "We'll be free to do all these amazing esoteric things." We won't.
[44:24] amazing esoteric things." We won't. We'll just sit there and look at social
[44:25] We'll just sit there and look at social media and get fat and drink and
[44:27] media and get fat and drink and sit in our rooms watching porn. That's
[44:28] sit in our rooms watching porn. That's what we'll do. Yeah, cuz we choose the
[44:30] what we'll do. Yeah, cuz we choose the like short-term dopamine hit over the
[44:31] like short-term dopamine hit over the long-term. Yeah, instant gratification.
[44:33] long-term. Yeah, instant gratification. Gosh, that is scary. That's going to be
[44:35] Gosh, that is scary. That's going to be a huge industry. Yeah. I mean, it
[44:36] a huge industry. Yeah. I mean, it already is a big industry.
[44:38] already is a big industry. But but these these living AI sex dolls
[44:41] But but these these living AI sex dolls will be a huge industry.
[44:42] will be a huge industry. Mhm. I don't think they've quite
[44:43] Mhm. I don't think they've quite perfected the robot bit, though, have
[44:44] perfected the robot bit, though, have they? Um so, there's a couple of things
[44:47] they? Um so, there's a couple of things happening in in tandem. I mean, Elon
[44:48] happening in in tandem. I mean, Elon Musk is is is working on his own um
[44:51] Musk is is is working on his own um robots at Tesla. We have Boston
[44:53] robots at Tesla. We have Boston Robotics, I believe they're called, who
[44:54] Robotics, I believe they're called, who have been working on robots for a long
[44:55] have been working on robots for a long time. But um
[44:57] time. But um it's going to move very quickly as as
[44:59] it's going to move very quickly as as all all exponential curves do. So, now
[45:02] all all exponential curves do. So, now we've got the kind of
[45:03] we've got the kind of machine learning modeling um ML MLM AGI,
[45:07] machine learning modeling um ML MLM AGI, they call it, artificial general
[45:08] they call it, artificial general intelligence stuff moving quickly. The
[45:10] intelligence stuff moving quickly. The robotic side, I think, is going to gain
[45:12] robotic side, I think, is going to gain pace because now there's a greater
[45:13] pace because now there's a greater demand. But it's really, really It's one
[45:14] demand. But it's really, really It's one of the things I am Did you see that film
[45:17] of the things I am Did you see that film Blade back in the day? No. I saw Lars
[45:19] Blade back in the day? No. I saw Lars and the Real Real Girl. Do you remember
[45:21] and the Real Real Girl. Do you remember that? That was about a guy who had a sex
[45:22] that? That was about a guy who had a sex doll. Oh, really? And the whole village
[45:24] doll. Oh, really? And the whole village um sort of accepted it. And then when he
[45:26] um sort of accepted it. And then when he didn't need her, he got a real person at
[45:28] didn't need her, he got a real person at the end. But no, I didn't see Blade. I
[45:30] the end. But no, I didn't see Blade. I just there's a scene in this film called
[45:31] just there's a scene in this film called Blade where he puts on a headset and
[45:32] Blade where he puts on a headset and it's set I mean, it was 20 years ago,
[45:34] it's set I mean, it was 20 years ago, but it was set in the
[45:35] but it was set in the in the future. Puts the headset on and
[45:38] in the future. Puts the headset on and this headset, you know, is exactly that.
[45:40] this headset, you know, is exactly that. It's an AI that basically gets him off.
[45:42] It's an AI that basically gets him off. And he has the time of his life. And
[45:43] And he has the time of his life. And actually, they sit his cup his partner
[45:45] actually, they sit his cup his partner sits opposite him and they both put the
[45:46] sits opposite him and they both put the headset on.
[45:48] headset on. And they Yeah, actually, I do think I
[45:49] And they Yeah, actually, I do think I did see that. Yeah. It's a scary world.
[45:51] did see that. Yeah. It's a scary world. what we'll be doing. We will be doing
[45:53] what we'll be doing. We will be doing that.
[45:55] that. I mean, we're kind of going that way
[45:56] I mean, we're kind of going that way already with porn. And we talked about
[45:57] already with porn. And we talked about this sort of macro decline in sex.
[46:00] this sort of macro decline in sex. Are you hopeful that we can turn that
[46:02] Are you hopeful that we can turn that around?
[46:03] around? Um yes. And I have great help hope with
[46:09] Um yes. And I have great help hope with the young generation of women. I think
[46:11] the young generation of women. I think this is the first generation of women
[46:13] this is the first generation of women who really have probably the least
[46:15] who really have probably the least sexual hang-ups that we've ever had. And
[46:19] sexual hang-ups that we've ever had. And I think that
[46:20] I think that I mean
[46:21] I mean young women are much more adventurous
[46:23] young women are much more adventurous than young men. It's sort of going
[46:26] than young men. It's sort of going in a weird direction, I think, that way.
[46:28] in a weird direction, I think, that way. And all the young women that I'm in
[46:29] And all the young women that I'm in contact with I'm talking about young
[46:31] contact with I'm talking about young women in their 20s, early 30s.
[46:33] women in their 20s, early 30s. We know that young women are more
[46:35] We know that young women are more bi-curious than men. We know that young
[46:38] bi-curious than men. We know that young women are more interested in threesomes
[46:40] women are more interested in threesomes with two women than men are.
[46:43] with two women than men are. We know that young women are more
[46:45] We know that young women are more interested in going to a sex club than
[46:46] interested in going to a sex club than men are.
[46:47] men are. We know that young women are more
[46:49] We know that young women are more interested in polyamory. And they they
[46:51] interested in polyamory. And they they don't want several love relationships.
[46:53] don't want several love relationships. They want
[46:55] They want the lovely relationship, and then they
[46:56] the lovely relationship, and then they want to be able to have sex with men on
[46:57] want to be able to have sex with men on the side. It's not men thinking like
[46:59] the side. It's not men thinking like this. This is women thinking like this.
[47:01] this. This is women thinking like this. And
[47:02] And I think that it's going to make for more
[47:04] I think that it's going to make for more interesting relationships. And because
[47:06] interesting relationships. And because the whole women are overturning
[47:08] the whole women are overturning everything. Like
[47:09] everything. Like the motivation for affairs now has
[47:11] the motivation for affairs now has completely reversed. So, men used to
[47:14] completely reversed. So, men used to have affairs for sex. Now most men, if
[47:16] have affairs for sex. Now most men, if they're in a good relationship, will
[47:18] they're in a good relationship, will satisfy that with porn, right? Most men.
[47:21] satisfy that with porn, right? Most men. Um now men have affairs for love and
[47:24] Um now men have affairs for love and affection.
[47:26] affection. Women have affairs They used to have
[47:28] Women have affairs They used to have affairs for love that they weren't
[47:30] affairs for love that they weren't getting from their partner. Now they
[47:32] getting from their partner. Now they have affairs for erotic sex. Sex where
[47:35] have affairs for erotic sex. Sex where they're not looking after their partner,
[47:37] they're not looking after their partner, they can be selfish, they don't have to
[47:38] they can be selfish, they don't have to care about whether they hurt his
[47:40] care about whether they hurt his feelings or say, "Don't do it that way."
[47:41] feelings or say, "Don't do it that way." They're not going to care about whether
[47:43] They're not going to care about whether Stephen doesn't like it if he's being
[47:44] Stephen doesn't like it if he's being instructed. It's like, "Do that. Do
[47:46] instructed. It's like, "Do that. Do this." They want that sort of sex,
[47:47] this." They want that sort of sex, right? And that's why they're having
[47:48] right? And that's why they're having affairs. So, I feel like my hope is that
[47:52] affairs. So, I feel like my hope is that women are going to take the charge and
[47:54] women are going to take the charge and go forward, and we're going to end up
[47:56] go forward, and we're going to end up with sex that's more interesting, sex
[47:59] with sex that's more interesting, sex that's less doing everything to please a
[48:01] that's less doing everything to please a man, more
[48:02] man, more equal, you know, "This is what I need.
[48:04] equal, you know, "This is what I need. This is what I want. This is what you
[48:06] This is what I want. This is what you need. This is what you want. Let's work
[48:07] need. This is what you want. Let's work out the best way to do that together."
[48:10] out the best way to do that together." Not where, you know, because so many
[48:11] Not where, you know, because so many women still now, that's the thing that
[48:13] women still now, that's the thing that does disappoint me,
[48:14] does disappoint me, is still have sex to please men, still
[48:18] is still have sex to please men, still pretend to have orgasms during
[48:20] pretend to have orgasms during penetrative sex because society's
[48:22] penetrative sex because society's brainwashed. We have known that women
[48:24] brainwashed. We have known that women don't orgasm basically through
[48:26] don't orgasm basically through penetrative sex since Kama Sutra, which
[48:28] penetrative sex since Kama Sutra, which was written in the 3rd to 5th century.
[48:31] was written in the 3rd to 5th century. And yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah.
[48:34] And yet most men will go, "Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've heard about that.
[48:35] Yeah, I've heard about that. I've heard about that. It hasn't
[48:36] I've heard about that. It hasn't happened to me. I've just been really
[48:38] happened to me. I've just been really lucky." Or my girlfriends, you know. I
[48:40] lucky." Or my girlfriends, you know. I mean, it's just like they're faking.
[48:42] mean, it's just like they're faking. They're faking because the girl before
[48:44] They're faking because the girl before faked and they feel they have to fake.
[48:45] faked and they feel they have to fake. And
[48:46] And you know, every depiction of sex is
[48:48] you know, every depiction of sex is that, you know, everybody has this
[48:51] that, you know, everybody has this mutual orgasm, simultaneous orgasm
[48:54] mutual orgasm, simultaneous orgasm together.
[48:55] together. And that's just how sex is. Well, it's
[48:57] And that's just how sex is. Well, it's not like that. It's it's totally not
[48:59] not like that. It's it's totally not like that at all. Speaking of young
[49:01] like that at all. Speaking of young women, in your book Great Sex Starts at
[49:03] women, in your book Great Sex Starts at 50, one of the things you talk about is
[49:05] 50, one of the things you talk about is the issue of sort of sexual confidence
[49:07] the issue of sort of sexual confidence and sexual self-esteem. Um talk about
[49:10] and sexual self-esteem. Um talk about that in the opening chapter of the book.
[49:12] that in the opening chapter of the book. And
[49:13] And I found it really compelling that it
[49:15] I found it really compelling that it really interesting that
[49:17] really interesting that women
[49:18] women view them selves differently when they
[49:21] view them selves differently when they look in the mirror, which has a libido
[49:23] look in the mirror, which has a libido impact. Body image is terrible. They've
[49:26] impact. Body image is terrible. They've just done a study which looked at
[49:29] just done a study which looked at two decade 20 years of studies. So, they
[49:31] two decade 20 years of studies. So, they did a study on all the studies on body
[49:33] did a study on all the studies on body image. And it turns out that it impacts
[49:35] image. And it turns out that it impacts every single area of sex,
[49:37] every single area of sex, regularity of sex, enjoyment of sex,
[49:40] regularity of sex, enjoyment of sex, arousal, desire, orgasm. And it makes
[49:44] arousal, desire, orgasm. And it makes sense that if you don't like your body,
[49:46] sense that if you don't like your body, you're not going to want anyone to look
[49:47] you're not going to want anyone to look at it or touch it. It is the biggest
[49:49] at it or touch it. It is the biggest problem with women today and their sex
[49:51] problem with women today and their sex lives is that often, you know, this is
[49:53] lives is that often, you know, this is the other thing with your friends,
[49:55] the other thing with your friends, you know, have they just had babies? Has
[49:57] you know, have they just had babies? Has their body changed? You know, are they
[49:58] their body changed? You know, are they not feeling so desirable? You know,
[50:01] not feeling so desirable? You know, desire, I think, feeling desired by your
[50:03] desire, I think, feeling desired by your partner is much more important to women
[50:06] partner is much more important to women than, you know, anything else. If your
[50:08] than, you know, anything else. If your partner looks at you and they, you know,
[50:09] partner looks at you and they, you know, like, "God, you're so hot, you're so
[50:11] like, "God, you're so hot, you're so sexy." That is the biggest turn-on of
[50:13] sexy." That is the biggest turn-on of all.
[50:14] all. And if you're feeling not great about
[50:16] And if you're feeling not great about yourself and your mindset is so much
[50:18] yourself and your mindset is so much down on yourself that you think, "I
[50:19] down on yourself that you think, "I don't even How could he possibly look at
[50:21] don't even How could he possibly look at me and think that I'm attractive?" Then
[50:23] me and think that I'm attractive?" Then you'll never feel that you your partner
[50:25] you'll never feel that you your partner could fancy you to death, but you're
[50:26] could fancy you to death, but you're never going to feel it because your
[50:27] never going to feel it because your brain's just gone, "Nope. I am not
[50:29] brain's just gone, "Nope. I am not sexually attractive anymore."
[50:31] sexually attractive anymore." So, that is a real problem. It's a real
[50:33] So, that is a real problem. It's a real problem. And do you know what the
[50:34] problem. And do you know what the solution is for that?
[50:36] solution is for that? It's not to go off and get a facelift or
[50:39] It's not to go off and get a facelift or get your hair done or lose weight or go
[50:42] get your hair done or lose weight or go to the gym more. Though, actually, going
[50:43] to the gym more. Though, actually, going to the gym more is one. Exercise is
[50:45] to the gym more is one. Exercise is really good for your sex drive and for
[50:47] really good for your sex drive and for your self-esteem.
[50:49] your self-esteem. But the other thing is that cures body
[50:51] But the other thing is that cures body image is um is actually to have sex
[50:55] image is um is actually to have sex more.
[50:56] more. If you have sex more often and your
[50:58] If you have sex more often and your partner enjoys it, your brain goes on a
[51:01] partner enjoys it, your brain goes on a subconscious level, "Well, you know
[51:03] subconscious level, "Well, you know what? It can't be that bad because he's
[51:06] what? It can't be that bad because he's having sex with me or she's having sex
[51:07] having sex with me or she's having sex with me, whoever's having sex with you.
[51:09] with me, whoever's having sex with you. They're enjoying it." And so, you it
[51:10] They're enjoying it." And so, you it start your brain starts to make sense of
[51:12] start your brain starts to make sense of it all and go, "Okay, right. You know,
[51:14] it all and go, "Okay, right. You know, this is
[51:16] this is I'm obviously not as undesirable as I
[51:17] I'm obviously not as undesirable as I think." And it starts to sort of become
[51:19] think." And it starts to sort of become better and more able to be dealt with.
[51:21] better and more able to be dealt with. So, the more you have sex, the better
[51:23] So, the more you have sex, the better because it gives you confidence. And
[51:26] because it gives you confidence. And sexually confident women
[51:28] sexually confident women women who think they're good in bed. So,
[51:30] women who think they're good in bed. So, increase your skills as well. If you're
[51:31] increase your skills as well. If you're worried if that you're not a great
[51:32] worried if that you're not a great lover, read up on it. Buy some of the
[51:34] lover, read up on it. Buy some of the books. Go online. Look up technique. You
[51:36] books. Go online. Look up technique. You know, cuz technique is very important.
[51:38] know, cuz technique is very important. And the better lover you think you are,
[51:40] And the better lover you think you are, the less you worry about what you look
[51:41] the less you worry about what you look like in bed. We all know that. Sexually
[51:43] like in bed. We all know that. Sexually confident women win all the time. And
[51:46] confident women win all the time. And sexually confident women
[51:48] sexually confident women put on weight the same way other people
[51:49] put on weight the same way other people do as they get on in life, etc., etc.
[51:52] do as they get on in life, etc., etc. You know, their bodies are different
[51:53] You know, their bodies are different after pregnancy, but they don't focus on
[51:54] after pregnancy, but they don't focus on that. They're like, "Hey, I'm a
[51:55] that. They're like, "Hey, I'm a brilliant lover. Who cares? You know,
[51:57] brilliant lover. Who cares? You know, he's not looking at that. He's just
[51:58] he's not looking at that. He's just thinking how fantastic I am."
[52:00] thinking how fantastic I am." So, it's more about increase your
[52:02] So, it's more about increase your confidence as a lover, exercise more,
[52:06] confidence as a lover, exercise more, and I mean, then the obvious, take
[52:08] and I mean, then the obvious, take yourself off of social media, stop
[52:09] yourself off of social media, stop comparing yourself to other people, all
[52:11] comparing yourself to other people, all that sort of stuff. But it's it's
[52:12] that sort of stuff. But it's it's difficult. It's very difficult. And I
[52:14] difficult. It's very difficult. And I think men suffer from this as well.
[52:16] think men suffer from this as well. That's so unbelievably true, especially
[52:19] That's so unbelievably true, especially um
[52:20] um especially the part that it also relates
[52:21] especially the part that it also relates to men because I've got multiple
[52:22] to men because I've got multiple accounts from female friends of mine
[52:24] accounts from female friends of mine that are in a heterosexual relationship
[52:26] that are in a heterosexual relationship that have told me their partner won't
[52:28] that have told me their partner won't have sex with them with his top off or
[52:31] have sex with them with his top off or with the lights on. Um and also the
[52:33] with the lights on. Um and also the point there about how you solve that
[52:35] point there about how you solve that body confidence issue, that
[52:37] body confidence issue, that confidence comes from the evidence you
[52:39] confidence comes from the evidence you get from doing the thing. Yeah.
[52:42] get from doing the thing. Yeah. And also, if you are worried about your
[52:43] And also, if you are worried about your body, when you're having sex, close your
[52:46] body, when you're having sex, close your eyes.
[52:47] eyes. Like, close your eyes and think about
[52:48] Like, close your eyes and think about what you're feeling. It's about what it
[52:49] what you're feeling. It's about what it what you're feeling, not like how you're
[52:51] what you're feeling, not like how you're looking. Because if it's stressing you
[52:52] looking. Because if it's stressing you out and you're looking and thinking, "Oh
[52:53] out and you're looking and thinking, "Oh my god, he's looking at my thighs. He's
[52:55] my god, he's looking at my thighs. He's looking at this." Just close your eyes
[52:56] looking at this." Just close your eyes and go into yourself. Or, become more
[52:59] and go into yourself. Or, become more active. That's the other way to overcome
[53:01] active. That's the other way to overcome body issues. Is if you're really active
[53:03] body issues. Is if you're really active in bed and you're like looking at your
[53:05] in bed and you're like looking at your partner and you're talking dirty and
[53:06] partner and you're talking dirty and you're making lots of eye contact that
[53:08] you're making lots of eye contact that way, anything to sort of take yourself
[53:10] way, anything to sort of take yourself out of yourself is good. You either go
[53:12] out of yourself is good. You either go into yourself and focus on what you're
[53:14] into yourself and focus on what you're feeling rather than what you're looking
[53:15] feeling rather than what you're looking like, or you sort of become way more
[53:18] like, or you sort of become way more active. That also works. Three things
[53:21] active. That also works. Three things that boost sexual self-esteem easily in
[53:23] that boost sexual self-esteem easily in your book.
[53:24] your book. Initiate sex to feel more powerful. Yes,
[53:27] Initiate sex to feel more powerful. Yes, absolutely. Initiation is such a big
[53:29] absolutely. Initiation is such a big thing on so many levels. And if you
[53:32] thing on so many levels. And if you don't ever initiate sex with your
[53:33] don't ever initiate sex with your partner, you're essentially saying, "I
[53:36] partner, you're essentially saying, "I don't actually enjoy having sex with
[53:37] don't actually enjoy having sex with you. I'm only having sex with you
[53:39] you. I'm only having sex with you because you've asked me to have sex with
[53:40] because you've asked me to have sex with you."
[53:41] you." And people argue about that. It's like,
[53:43] And people argue about that. It's like, "Well, his sex drive's way bigger or,
[53:45] "Well, his sex drive's way bigger or, you know, higher and all that sort of
[53:46] you know, higher and all that sort of stuff." It doesn't matter. You really
[53:47] stuff." It doesn't matter. You really need to have a thing where, you know, if
[53:50] need to have a thing where, you know, if if your partner's got a much bigger sex
[53:51] if your partner's got a much bigger sex drive than you, you need to say
[53:52] drive than you, you need to say something, "Look, okay. It's really sexy
[53:55] something, "Look, okay. It's really sexy being the person who's the sexy one in
[53:57] being the person who's the sexy one in the relationship. That's why, you know,
[53:58] the relationship. That's why, you know, it's great. It's nice to be that person.
[54:00] it's great. It's nice to be that person. But I want to be the sexy one in the
[54:02] But I want to be the sexy one in the relationship. So, hold off on initiating
[54:04] relationship. So, hold off on initiating for a while and give me a chance to
[54:06] for a while and give me a chance to initiate so that I can feel more
[54:07] initiate so that I can feel more powerful." And it's it's such a great
[54:11] powerful." And it's it's such a great dynamic that. That power dynamic in in,
[54:13] dynamic that. That power dynamic in in, you know, relationships is really
[54:14] you know, relationships is really important that you have to be sometimes
[54:16] important that you have to be sometimes the dominant person, you have to be the
[54:19] the dominant person, you have to be the submissive person. And if you swap
[54:21] submissive person. And if you swap around, it makes for a much more
[54:22] around, it makes for a much more interesting sex life. But if you don't
[54:24] interesting sex life. But if you don't initiate, I mean, it's a real cop-out to
[54:26] initiate, I mean, it's a real cop-out to never initiate sex. I really do think
[54:28] never initiate sex. I really do think so. And when women do it who don't often
[54:31] so. And when women do it who don't often initiate sex,
[54:33] initiate sex, what often happens is that they'll be so
[54:34] what often happens is that they'll be so subtle that the man misses the point
[54:38] subtle that the man misses the point completely. It's like, "Well, I gave him
[54:39] completely. It's like, "Well, I gave him this really sexy kiss." And it was like,
[54:41] this really sexy kiss." And it was like, "Yeah, and? Yeah, anything else?
[54:43] "Yeah, and? Yeah, anything else? Anything else that went with that?" And
[54:44] Anything else that went with that?" And and he didn't even, you know, and now
[54:46] and he didn't even, you know, and now I'm not going to do that again. It's
[54:47] I'm not going to do that again. It's like, "Oh, for God's sake, just be
[54:48] like, "Oh, for God's sake, just be really obvious about it."
[54:50] really obvious about it." Be really obvious about it. And going
[54:53] Be really obvious about it. And going back to initiation, just be aware
[54:56] back to initiation, just be aware that how you initiate sex
[54:58] that how you initiate sex will influence whether or not your
[55:01] will influence whether or not your partner says yes. So, if you initiate
[55:03] partner says yes. So, if you initiate sex the wrong way, your partner might
[55:05] sex the wrong way, your partner might say no to sex because you just
[55:09] say no to sex because you just approached it all the wrong way.
[55:10] approached it all the wrong way. Whereas, if you approach your partner
[55:13] Whereas, if you approach your partner that you know has got a responsive sex
[55:15] that you know has got a responsive sex drive by talking, cuddling, connecting,
[55:19] drive by talking, cuddling, connecting, whatever she wants could be, you know,
[55:21] whatever she wants could be, you know, she might want you to
[55:22] she might want you to initiate sex like that. But you know,
[55:25] initiate sex like that. But you know, and getting her in the mood the way she
[55:27] and getting her in the mood the way she wants to be in the mood, not the way you
[55:28] wants to be in the mood, not the way you would like her to get in the mood, but
[55:29] would like her to get in the mood, but the way she wants to be in the mood,
[55:31] the way she wants to be in the mood, she'll probably say yes to sex. So, a
[55:33] she'll probably say yes to sex. So, a lot of people saying no to sex isn't
[55:36] lot of people saying no to sex isn't that they don't want sex, they're just
[55:38] that they don't want sex, they're just being approached the wrong way and
[55:40] being approached the wrong way and they're not being warmed up the right
[55:41] they're not being warmed up the right way.
[55:42] way. So, if you can solve those two basic
[55:44] So, if you can solve those two basic things, it can change everything. Feels
[55:47] things, it can change everything. Feels like there's something really fun-
[55:48] like there's something really fun- fundamental here that we we assume sex
[55:50] fundamental here that we we assume sex will take care of itself. It never Oh my
[55:53] will take care of itself. It never Oh my god. Writing all those sex books, when I
[55:55] god. Writing all those sex books, when I go to a dinner party, people either want
[55:57] go to a dinner party, people either want to sit next to me or they go as far away
[55:59] to sit next to me or they go as far away from me as they possibly can because
[56:00] from me as they possibly can because they're terrified. And the people who
[56:03] they're terrified. And the people who say to me, "Oh God, but I don't need a
[56:05] say to me, "Oh God, but I don't need a sex book."
[56:06] sex book." I'm like, "Yes, you do. You're the
[56:08] I'm like, "Yes, you do. You're the person that needs a sex book. I've
[56:10] person that needs a sex book. I've written 17 of them and I'm still
[56:12] written 17 of them and I'm still learning about sex. There is so much to
[56:14] learning about sex. There is so much to learn about sex. How can you think you
[56:15] learn about sex. How can you think you possibly know everything about sex
[56:17] possibly know everything about sex without ever educating yourself?" And
[56:19] without ever educating yourself?" And it's changing. Of course it is. But
[56:21] it's changing. Of course it is. But people who think that they're born great
[56:23] people who think that they're born great lovers, they don't, you know, I mean,
[56:25] lovers, they don't, you know, I mean, the female response system is
[56:26] the female response system is complicated. Who knew what a clitoris
[56:28] complicated. Who knew what a clitoris was back in the day? You know, like
[56:30] was back in the day? You know, like they're difficult to stimulate.
[56:31] they're difficult to stimulate. Actually, they're not that difficult.
[56:32] Actually, they're not that difficult. You just give it a vibrator and then
[56:34] You just give it a vibrator and then they're fine. But um you know, it's not
[56:36] they're fine. But um you know, it's not easy being a great lover. And can I just
[56:39] easy being a great lover. And can I just say one more thing about orgasms is we
[56:41] say one more thing about orgasms is we worry too much about orgasms and how we
[56:44] worry too much about orgasms and how we get them. There is no right way to have
[56:47] get them. There is no right way to have an orgasm because everyone thinks the
[56:48] an orgasm because everyone thinks the right way to have an orgasm is during
[56:50] right way to have an orgasm is during intercourse with your partner and
[56:52] intercourse with your partner and preferably then climaxing at the same
[56:53] preferably then climaxing at the same time. Simultaneous orgasms hardly ever
[56:56] time. Simultaneous orgasms hardly ever happen for a start. They're always
[56:57] happen for a start. They're always faked.
[56:58] faked. So,
[56:59] So, the easiest way to give a woman an
[57:01] the easiest way to give a woman an orgasm, I mean, great women who can be
[57:03] orgasm, I mean, great women who can be very easily orgasmic if you use the
[57:05] very easily orgasmic if you use the right finger technique, if you give her
[57:07] right finger technique, if you give her the right oral sex technique. But the
[57:09] the right oral sex technique. But the thing that is most expert at stimulating
[57:11] thing that is most expert at stimulating the clitoris is vibration.
[57:14] the clitoris is vibration. Most women can have an orgasm within 3
[57:16] Most women can have an orgasm within 3 minutes with a vibrator. So, we have
[57:19] minutes with a vibrator. So, we have this big orgasm gap problem where men
[57:21] this big orgasm gap problem where men are having lots of orgasms during
[57:22] are having lots of orgasms during partner sex, women aren't having very
[57:25] partner sex, women aren't having very many orgasms during partner sex because
[57:27] many orgasms during partner sex because they don't understand each other very
[57:28] they don't understand each other very well, because sometimes people just just
[57:31] well, because sometimes people just just can't relax with another person there,
[57:32] can't relax with another person there, right?
[57:33] right? So, the solution is to put your hand in
[57:37] So, the solution is to put your hand in the bedside drawer and bring out a
[57:38] the bedside drawer and bring out a vibrator and she would have an orgasm
[57:40] vibrator and she would have an orgasm every single time the same way you have
[57:42] every single time the same way you have an orgasm every single time. Why don't
[57:44] an orgasm every single time. Why don't we all just do this? It's the easiest
[57:46] we all just do this? It's the easiest solution in the world. But we don't.
[57:48] solution in the world. But we don't. Young men are better at it. They'll
[57:50] Young men are better at it. They'll often say, "Oh, you know," and she'll
[57:52] often say, "Oh, you know," and she'll say, if women are honest and they'll
[57:53] say, if women are honest and they'll say, "Look, you know, that was
[57:54] say, "Look, you know, that was fantastic, but I kind of missed the
[57:55] fantastic, but I kind of missed the moment a bit, which you can as a woman.
[57:58] moment a bit, which you can as a woman. Can I just use my vibrator or can you
[57:59] Can I just use my vibrator or can you use the vibrator on me?"
[58:01] use the vibrator on me?" Sorted. But we have this like, "That's a
[58:04] Sorted. But we have this like, "That's a cheating orgasm." Yeah, or that it takes
[58:06] cheating orgasm." Yeah, or that it takes something away from what sex is supposed
[58:09] something away from what sex is supposed to be.
[58:10] to be. But it's a solution. I'm not saying have
[58:12] But it's a solution. I'm not saying have all your orgasms like that. But just
[58:15] all your orgasms like that. But just maybe now and then have the vibrator in
[58:17] maybe now and then have the vibrator in the bed. And why is it inferior? If you
[58:18] the bed. And why is it inferior? If you can have all that intimacy, if you've
[58:20] can have all that intimacy, if you've had the oral sex, you've had the
[58:22] had the oral sex, you've had the intercourse, you thoroughly enjoyed it,
[58:24] intercourse, you thoroughly enjoyed it, but it just hasn't given you that tip
[58:26] but it just hasn't given you that tip over.
[58:27] over. What I mean by that question about this
[58:29] What I mean by that question about this fundamental belief that kind of sex is
[58:31] fundamental belief that kind of sex is supposed to take care of itself. And I
[58:33] supposed to take care of itself. And I think that's why we don't talk about it
[58:35] think that's why we don't talk about it enough. We don't research about it
[58:37] enough. We don't research about it enough. We don't um try put invest in
[58:40] enough. We don't um try put invest in making it new and exciting and different
[58:41] making it new and exciting and different and all the things you've said is
[58:43] and all the things you've said is because we just just cuz at the start it
[58:45] because we just just cuz at the start it kind of takes care of itself, doesn't
[58:46] kind of takes care of itself, doesn't it?
[58:46] it? it does, yeah. First couple of months
[58:48] it does, yeah. First couple of months and then All the sex hormones are there
[58:50] and then All the sex hormones are there driving us, driving us without even us
[58:51] driving us, driving us without even us having to think about it.
[58:52] having to think about it. And then we you don't think about sex as
[58:54] And then we you don't think about sex as something you've got to work on and and
[58:55] something you've got to work on and and talk about and invest in and buy stuff
[58:58] talk about and invest in and buy stuff for and, you know, change all the time.
[59:00] for and, you know, change all the time. I've already got a job. You know, I
[59:02] I've already got a job. You know, I don't
[59:02] don't I know.
[59:03] I know. Well, unfortunately, that's what you
[59:05] Well, unfortunately, that's what you have to do if you want a good sex life.
[59:06] have to do if you want a good sex life. It's it's it's what you do. And the
[59:09] It's it's it's what you do. And the thing is, it makes me laugh because we
[59:10] thing is, it makes me laugh because we put effort into every other thing. You
[59:12] put effort into every other thing. You don't like eat the same meal every
[59:14] don't like eat the same meal every single night. You find it buy a good
[59:16] single night. You find it buy a good cookbook and look up recipes and
[59:18] cookbook and look up recipes and experiment with different things. And no
[59:19] experiment with different things. And no one goes, "Oh, that's terrible. That's
[59:21] one goes, "Oh, that's terrible. That's so much effort. I don't want to have to
[59:22] so much effort. I don't want to have to do that. I want to know how to cook a
[59:23] do that. I want to know how to cook a three-course cordon bleu meal without
[59:25] three-course cordon bleu meal without even looking at a cookbook."
[59:26] even looking at a cookbook." Well, in the movies, they never do
[59:28] Well, in the movies, they never do There's no movie where they sit and talk
[59:29] There's no movie where they sit and talk about sex. What did you like? Like you
[59:30] about sex. What did you like? Like you liked it when I did that. In the movies
[59:32] liked it when I did that. In the movies they they come in the door and they pick
[59:34] they they come in the door and they pick him up and they put their hands back and
[59:36] him up and they put their hands back and they rip the dress off.
[59:37] they rip the dress off. You know, and then Do you know what? I'm
[59:39] You know, and then Do you know what? I'm the worst person to watch TV with cuz I
[59:40] the worst person to watch TV with cuz I shout at the television. Honestly, there
[59:42] shout at the television. Honestly, there was a thing called Dr. Foster. Did you
[59:44] was a thing called Dr. Foster. Did you watch that? Suranne Jones was in it and
[59:46] watch that? Suranne Jones was in it and there was this couple. They'd been
[59:48] there was this couple. They'd been together 10 years.
[59:49] together 10 years. They woke up on a Sunday morning, right?
[59:51] They woke up on a Sunday morning, right? Sunday morning, just woke up. She's of
[59:53] Sunday morning, just woke up. She's of course full makeup, lingerie,
[59:54] course full makeup, lingerie, everything.
[59:56] everything. And next minute he's like throwing her
[59:59] And next minute he's like throwing her against the wall. They're having sex
[01:00:00] against the wall. They're having sex standing up and you know, like all the I
[01:00:02] standing up and you know, like all the I thought, oh
[01:00:04] thought, oh for God's sake. This is a couple 10
[01:00:06] for God's sake. This is a couple 10 years in. It is not happening like that.
[01:00:09] years in. It is not happening like that. And then even me who knows that this
[01:00:11] And then even me who knows that this doesn't happen, this is not the norm.
[01:00:13] doesn't happen, this is not the norm. I'm like a little bit like and I always
[01:00:15] I'm like a little bit like and I always turn to poor Miles and I say, you
[01:00:17] turn to poor Miles and I say, you realize that's not true. You realize
[01:00:19] realize that's not true. You realize this is not a real and and he's sort of
[01:00:21] this is not a real and and he's sort of you know, like sitting there going, yep,
[01:00:22] you know, like sitting there going, yep, yep, I do know.
[01:00:24] yep, I do know. Like cover your eyes.
[01:00:26] Like cover your eyes. Don't have unrealistic expectations.
[01:00:27] Don't have unrealistic expectations. Don't think you're missing out on this.
[01:00:29] Don't think you're missing out on this. And because it's sad because people try
[01:00:32] And because it's sad because people try and they think that that hot sex at the
[01:00:34] and they think that that hot sex at the beginning should last a lifetime. And
[01:00:36] beginning should last a lifetime. And when it goes and you think the next
[01:00:38] when it goes and you think the next person you meet is this going to last
[01:00:39] person you meet is this going to last forever. This is this one's going to
[01:00:41] forever. This is this one's going to last forever. And then of course it dies
[01:00:42] last forever. And then of course it dies down and dies down and dies down and
[01:00:43] down and dies down and dies down and you're like, damn it, I've got the wrong
[01:00:44] you're like, damn it, I've got the wrong person. You haven't got the wrong
[01:00:46] person. You haven't got the wrong person. It's because all the sex and
[01:00:48] person. It's because all the sex and love hormones have stopped working.
[01:00:51] love hormones have stopped working. That's the only way to keep having sex
[01:00:53] That's the only way to keep having sex the like that. The only way to keep
[01:00:55] the like that. The only way to keep having that beginning sex over and over
[01:00:57] having that beginning sex over and over is to swap partners. Constantly.
[01:00:59] is to swap partners. Constantly. Constantly swap partners and you can
[01:01:01] Constantly swap partners and you can have that over and over again. It is
[01:01:03] have that over and over again. It is impossible to have the type of sex you
[01:01:06] impossible to have the type of sex you have at the start when you're fueled by
[01:01:07] have at the start when you're fueled by all these chemicals
[01:01:09] all these chemicals at the end of a relationship or during a
[01:01:11] at the end of a relationship or during a relationship. Anything over 2 years it's
[01:01:13] relationship. Anything over 2 years it's very You can have satisfying sex, great
[01:01:16] very You can have satisfying sex, great sex, exciting sex, but it's not fueled
[01:01:19] sex, exciting sex, but it's not fueled by the same hormones. So you cannot
[01:01:21] by the same hormones. So you cannot recreate that. And if people knew that,
[01:01:23] recreate that. And if people knew that, no matter what person you end up with,
[01:01:26] no matter what person you end up with, then they would stop leaving perfectly
[01:01:28] then they would stop leaving perfectly good relationships in search of
[01:01:30] good relationships in search of something that's not ever going to be
[01:01:31] something that's not ever going to be found.
[01:01:33] found. As you might know, this podcast is now
[01:01:34] As you might know, this podcast is now sponsored by the incredible Airbnb. And
[01:01:36] sponsored by the incredible Airbnb. And Airbnb have saved me many, many times
[01:01:39] Airbnb have saved me many, many times whenever I'm working away or on business
[01:01:40] whenever I'm working away or on business trips or on holidays. But have you ever
[01:01:43] trips or on holidays. But have you ever thought about whether your home could be
[01:01:44] thought about whether your home could be an Airbnb when you're away on business
[01:01:46] an Airbnb when you're away on business or on holiday? Or even just a part of
[01:01:48] or on holiday? Or even just a part of your home. Let me explain. Maybe your
[01:01:51] your home. Let me explain. Maybe your roommate is moving out and you're
[01:01:52] roommate is moving out and you're thinking about what to do with the extra
[01:01:53] thinking about what to do with the extra space. Or maybe you have a spare bedroom
[01:01:55] space. Or maybe you have a spare bedroom that you've never used. You could Airbnb
[01:01:58] that you've never used. You could Airbnb it and make some extra cash for bills or
[01:02:00] it and make some extra cash for bills or to pay for anything in your life,
[01:02:01] to pay for anything in your life, holidays, or just for some extra money.
[01:02:04] holidays, or just for some extra money. I Airbnb'd my place previously and
[01:02:05] I Airbnb'd my place previously and honestly the process couldn't have been
[01:02:07] honestly the process couldn't have been easier. It's something I'd highly
[01:02:09] easier. It's something I'd highly recommend you all to check out. Your
[01:02:11] recommend you all to check out. Your extra room, that extra space you have in
[01:02:12] extra room, that extra space you have in your house,
[01:02:14] your house, you might be surprised how much it's
[01:02:16] you might be surprised how much it's worth. I was surprised how much it was
[01:02:18] worth. I was surprised how much it was worth. And you can find out how much
[01:02:19] worth. And you can find out how much it's worth by going to
[01:02:20] it's worth by going to airbnb.co.uk/host.
[01:02:24] That's airbnb.co.uk/host.
[01:02:26] That's airbnb.co.uk/host. Check it out.
[01:02:27] Check it out. I've talked in this conversation as if
[01:02:29] I've talked in this conversation as if sexless relationships are unhappy
[01:02:31] sexless relationships are unhappy relationships. Yes. But that is not
[01:02:32] relationships. Yes. But that is not true, is it?
[01:02:33] true, is it? No, it's not true. You can often have I
[01:02:35] No, it's not true. You can often have I mean, people do instantly think if
[01:02:37] mean, people do instantly think if they're not having sex, oh my god, you
[01:02:38] they're not having sex, oh my god, you know, divorce is coming soon. No. I
[01:02:40] know, divorce is coming soon. No. I mean, you can get Sex isn't the be-all
[01:02:43] mean, you can get Sex isn't the be-all and end-all for everybody. Lots of
[01:02:44] and end-all for everybody. Lots of people have very low sexual libidos. If
[01:02:46] people have very low sexual libidos. If you've got two people
[01:02:48] you've got two people who have low sex drives, they have a lot
[01:02:50] who have low sex drives, they have a lot of sex at the beginning or maybe not
[01:02:51] of sex at the beginning or maybe not even that much. And then all of a sudden
[01:02:53] even that much. And then all of a sudden it fades off.
[01:02:54] it fades off. They're perfectly happy. Some people are
[01:02:56] They're perfectly happy. Some people are happy having, you know, one great
[01:02:58] happy having, you know, one great session every 6 months. That's enough
[01:03:00] session every 6 months. That's enough for them. It keeps them perfectly
[01:03:01] for them. It keeps them perfectly satisfied. So long as both of you are
[01:03:03] satisfied. So long as both of you are like that. But what doesn't work is if
[01:03:06] like that. But what doesn't work is if one of you is highly sex driven. In the
[01:03:09] one of you is highly sex driven. In the beginning, you know, we all worry about
[01:03:10] beginning, you know, we all worry about compatibility. Please measure, you know,
[01:03:12] compatibility. Please measure, you know, match up with somebody who has the same
[01:03:14] match up with somebody who has the same sex drive as you. And I know it's
[01:03:15] sex drive as you. And I know it's artificially inflated at the beginning,
[01:03:17] artificially inflated at the beginning, but don't commit to anything until
[01:03:20] but don't commit to anything until you're 6 months in, 8 months in, a year
[01:03:22] you're 6 months in, 8 months in, a year in. Don't marry anyone under that
[01:03:23] in. Don't marry anyone under that because you don't know what their sex
[01:03:25] because you don't know what their sex drive is. Wait until after a year and
[01:03:27] drive is. Wait until after a year and then you see and it's very difficult if
[01:03:29] then you see and it's very difficult if you've got a massively high sex drive
[01:03:31] you've got a massively high sex drive and your other one doesn't. But you can
[01:03:33] and your other one doesn't. But you can be perfectly happy in sexless
[01:03:35] be perfectly happy in sexless relationships so long as both of you are
[01:03:37] relationships so long as both of you are happy with that. And also,
[01:03:40] happy with that. And also, you know, they used to define a sexless
[01:03:42] you know, they used to define a sexless relationship as couples who had sex 10
[01:03:44] relationship as couples who had sex 10 times a year. Now plenty of couples,
[01:03:47] times a year. Now plenty of couples, especially couples over 50, only have
[01:03:49] especially couples over 50, only have sex 10 times a year and they were like
[01:03:50] sex 10 times a year and they were like indignant to be described as sexless. So
[01:03:53] indignant to be described as sexless. So now they've changed it to a sexless
[01:03:56] now they've changed it to a sexless relationship is one where sex hasn't
[01:03:57] relationship is one where sex hasn't happened in a year.
[01:03:59] happened in a year. And that's low sex relationship to be 10
[01:04:01] And that's low sex relationship to be 10 times a year. But it's all dependent on
[01:04:04] times a year. But it's all dependent on where you're at in life. Like if you if
[01:04:06] where you're at in life. Like if you if you've just had babies and they're under
[01:04:08] you've just had babies and they're under two, you're not going to be having a lot
[01:04:10] two, you're not going to be having a lot of sex. If you're 18, you just got
[01:04:12] of sex. If you're 18, you just got together, you're going to be having an
[01:04:13] together, you're going to be having an awful lot of sex. You know, if your
[01:04:15] awful lot of sex. You know, if your partner if you've just gone through
[01:04:16] partner if you've just gone through menopause or perimenopause and
[01:04:17] menopause or perimenopause and everything's gone to hell, you're not
[01:04:18] everything's gone to hell, you're not going to be having sex at that period of
[01:04:20] going to be having sex at that period of time. So you can't There is no one size
[01:04:23] time. So you can't There is no one size fits all thing. So find your normal is
[01:04:25] fits all thing. So find your normal is what I would say. And if your normal is
[01:04:28] what I would say. And if your normal is no sex, so long as you have a
[01:04:30] no sex, so long as you have a conversation about it, that's fine. But
[01:04:32] conversation about it, that's fine. But you what you cannot do
[01:04:34] you what you cannot do is stop sex and not talk about it. That
[01:04:37] is stop sex and not talk about it. That is really, really dangerous. You've got
[01:04:39] is really, really dangerous. You've got to have some kind of discussion even if
[01:04:41] to have some kind of discussion even if that's
[01:04:42] that's getting into bed one night and one of
[01:04:44] getting into bed one night and one of you says, we don't have sex much
[01:04:46] you says, we don't have sex much anymore. Do you Does it bother you? No,
[01:04:48] anymore. Do you Does it bother you? No, it doesn't really bother me. Good.
[01:04:50] it doesn't really bother me. Good. Even if it's that.
[01:04:52] Even if it's that. But you do need and you need to have
[01:04:53] But you do need and you need to have lots of affection, lots of You need to
[01:04:56] lots of affection, lots of You need to make up for that. Don't stop touching
[01:04:58] make up for that. Don't stop touching physically because when sex stops,
[01:05:00] physically because when sex stops, people often stop touching each other
[01:05:02] people often stop touching each other because they're worried that that's
[01:05:03] because they're worried that that's going to lead to sex and that's going to
[01:05:04] going to lead to sex and that's going to be awkward. So keep up the effect That's
[01:05:06] be awkward. So keep up the effect That's why you've got to have the chat. If you
[01:05:08] why you've got to have the chat. If you don't have the chat, affection stops.
[01:05:10] don't have the chat, affection stops. And if affection and sex stops, then you
[01:05:12] And if affection and sex stops, then you are in trouble.
[01:05:14] are in trouble. If you've got lots of affection, you're
[01:05:15] If you've got lots of affection, you're okay so long as both of you are happy.
[01:05:19] okay so long as both of you are happy. Interesting.
[01:05:21] Interesting. But you're not going to be happy if one
[01:05:22] But you're not going to be happy if one person doesn't want sex to stop and the
[01:05:24] person doesn't want sex to stop and the other one does. That doesn't make for a
[01:05:25] other one does. That doesn't make for a happy relationship at all. And in that
[01:05:27] happy relationship at all. And in that situation, is it right to then just
[01:05:29] situation, is it right to then just leave? No, you have to chat. And the
[01:05:31] leave? No, you have to chat. And the chat is But they say in the chat, no, I
[01:05:33] chat is But they say in the chat, no, I want more sex. I don't want more sex.
[01:05:35] want more sex. I don't want more sex. Then what you do?
[01:05:36] Then what you do? Well, then you look at exactly You sort
[01:05:38] Well, then you look at exactly You sort of go through a process. So you have the
[01:05:40] of go through a process. So you have the chat. You talk about You make sure the
[01:05:42] chat. You talk about You make sure the sex that's on offer is good sex for the
[01:05:44] sex that's on offer is good sex for the person who doesn't want it. You look at
[01:05:46] person who doesn't want it. You look at anything around it like, you know, have
[01:05:47] anything around it like, you know, have they got any childhood issues that need
[01:05:49] they got any childhood issues that need dealing with? What are their, you know,
[01:05:50] dealing with? What are their, you know, why don't Do they not want to want? If
[01:05:52] why don't Do they not want to want? If they don't want to want, then you need
[01:05:54] they don't want to want, then you need to look at what happened, you know,
[01:05:56] to look at what happened, you know, sexual trauma. There's I mean, if the
[01:05:58] sexual trauma. There's I mean, if the person that doesn't want to have sex
[01:05:59] person that doesn't want to have sex with you is willing to look at ways to
[01:06:02] with you is willing to look at ways to become more sexual, stay. Of course
[01:06:05] become more sexual, stay. Of course stay.
[01:06:06] stay. You know, there's always hope. Yes,
[01:06:08] You know, there's always hope. Yes, there's tons of stuff you can do. You
[01:06:09] there's tons of stuff you can do. You know, you can you can take strip sex
[01:06:11] know, you can you can take strip sex right back to basics where you don't
[01:06:13] right back to basics where you don't have penetrative sex for a year. You
[01:06:15] have penetrative sex for a year. You might do the sensate focus program which
[01:06:17] might do the sensate focus program which is all about touching each other without
[01:06:19] is all about touching each other without sexual intent and it might be that you
[01:06:21] sexual intent and it might be that you have to go almost like you got to learn
[01:06:23] have to go almost like you got to learn how to have sex all over again. If your
[01:06:26] how to have sex all over again. If your partner's willing to try,
[01:06:28] partner's willing to try, anything's possible. Definitely don't
[01:06:29] anything's possible. Definitely don't walk out. But if your partner says, I
[01:06:32] walk out. But if your partner says, I don't want to have sex with you and I've
[01:06:34] don't want to have sex with you and I've no interest in having sex. I've got no
[01:06:37] no interest in having sex. I've got no interest in trying to, you know, bring
[01:06:39] interest in trying to, you know, bring get back my desire and you're not
[01:06:41] get back my desire and you're not allowed to have sex either. You're not
[01:06:43] allowed to have sex either. You're not allowed to seek it anywhere else or, you
[01:06:44] allowed to seek it anywhere else or, you know, apart from running off to the
[01:06:46] know, apart from running off to the office and masturbating to porn, well,
[01:06:49] office and masturbating to porn, well, what choice have you got? I mean, some
[01:06:50] what choice have you got? I mean, some people stay. Some people stay in that
[01:06:52] people stay. Some people stay in that scenario because the love is very
[01:06:53] scenario because the love is very strong. And they've got kids or
[01:06:55] strong. And they've got kids or whatever, but I think that's an
[01:06:56] whatever, but I think that's an incredibly selfish thing to say to a
[01:06:58] incredibly selfish thing to say to a partner. Chapter 9 of your book is that
[01:07:00] partner. Chapter 9 of your book is that 33% of
[01:07:02] 33% of couples said that they rarely or never
[01:07:05] couples said that they rarely or never have had sex and one quarter of those
[01:07:07] have had sex and one quarter of those rated themselves as being extremely
[01:07:10] rated themselves as being extremely happy. That's right. Something something
[01:07:12] happy. That's right. Something something like 75% of people who are denied sex
[01:07:16] like 75% of people who are denied sex nearly all of the time stay if the love
[01:07:18] nearly all of the time stay if the love is strong. People choose love over sex.
[01:07:21] is strong. People choose love over sex. They course they do because how often
[01:07:23] They course they do because how often are you having sex? Even if you're
[01:07:24] are you having sex? Even if you're having sex a lot, even if you're having
[01:07:25] having sex a lot, even if you're having sex once a day, twice a day, it's still
[01:07:28] sex once a day, twice a day, it's still only really for half an hour each time.
[01:07:30] only really for half an hour each time. So, you know, in the proportion of the
[01:07:32] So, you know, in the proportion of the time you spend together, you're
[01:07:34] time you spend together, you're the love bit's more important than the
[01:07:36] the love bit's more important than the sex bit. Definitely is. Unless the sex
[01:07:38] sex bit. Definitely is. Unless the sex bit is really bad and then it tends to
[01:07:40] bit is really bad and then it tends to poison the rest of the relationship.
[01:07:43] poison the rest of the relationship. Do you do any sort of therapy for
[01:07:44] Do you do any sort of therapy for couples? Do Do couples ever come to you
[01:07:45] couples? Do Do couples ever come to you for
[01:07:46] for No. And
[01:07:47] No. And And And do individuals come to you for
[01:07:49] And And do individuals come to you for advice in a professional context to get
[01:07:51] advice in a professional context to get No. No. I do friends and and friends of
[01:07:53] No. No. I do friends and and friends of friends and stuff like that. I don't
[01:07:54] friends and stuff like that. I don't because
[01:07:55] because I lack the
[01:07:57] I lack the skills to disassociate. Oh, okay.
[01:07:59] skills to disassociate. Oh, okay. That's why I never became a therapist
[01:08:01] That's why I never became a therapist because I'm not very good at There are
[01:08:03] because I'm not very good at There are ways to solve a problem where you can
[01:08:04] ways to solve a problem where you can stand outside the problem or you stand
[01:08:06] stand outside the problem or you stand right in the middle of it all and take
[01:08:07] right in the middle of it all and take it all on and I'm the stand in the
[01:08:09] it all on and I'm the stand in the middle person. And I And I wouldn't ever
[01:08:11] middle person. And I And I wouldn't ever be able to I would have no boundaries.
[01:08:13] be able to I would have no boundaries. They'd be calling me day and night. So
[01:08:14] They'd be calling me day and night. So no, I can't do that.
[01:08:16] no, I can't do that. What are the most
[01:08:18] What are the most common questions that people ask you
[01:08:21] common questions that people ask you about sex? And I'd like the ones that we
[01:08:25] about sex? And I'd like the ones that we don't talk about enough. So, you know,
[01:08:28] don't talk about enough. So, you know, I don't know whether it's erectile
[01:08:29] I don't know whether it's erectile dysfunction or whether it's a
[01:08:30] dysfunction or whether it's a god, erectile dysfunction for men is
[01:08:32] god, erectile dysfunction for men is Women don't appreciate how having not
[01:08:35] Women don't appreciate how having not being able to get an erection or, you
[01:08:36] being able to get an erection or, you know,
[01:08:38] know, is is the biggest psychological
[01:08:40] is is the biggest psychological catastrophe Yeah.
[01:08:41] catastrophe Yeah. men experience.
[01:08:42] men experience. We can't fake it. No. No. I Penis envy,
[01:08:45] We can't fake it. No. No. I Penis envy, who wants a penis? I certainly don't
[01:08:46] who wants a penis? I certainly don't want a penis. It's all out there to see.
[01:08:48] want a penis. It's all out there to see. We can fake everything. Mhm. But it's
[01:08:49] We can fake everything. Mhm. But it's really difficult for men and I think men
[01:08:52] really difficult for men and I think men I mean, we have a problem with Viagra,
[01:08:53] I mean, we have a problem with Viagra, by the way. Viagra is a big problem
[01:08:55] by the way. Viagra is a big problem because young men take Viagra because
[01:08:58] because young men take Viagra because they want to have the biggest, hardest
[01:08:59] they want to have the biggest, hardest erections ever and they're worried
[01:09:01] erections ever and they're worried They're so performance, you know, they
[01:09:03] They're so performance, you know, they have so much performance anxiety cuz
[01:09:04] have so much performance anxiety cuz they're watching too much porn and they
[01:09:06] they're watching too much porn and they think that that's real. So they take
[01:09:08] think that that's real. So they take Viagra because they think just this
[01:09:10] Viagra because they think just this once, you know, I'll be I'll be I'll
[01:09:12] once, you know, I'll be I'll be I'll just be first time I sleep with her, I
[01:09:13] just be first time I sleep with her, I want to be really hard. And then of
[01:09:15] want to be really hard. And then of course, you know, eventually you stop it
[01:09:17] course, you know, eventually you stop it or try to and your girlfriend says, oh,
[01:09:19] or try to and your girlfriend says, oh, this isn't you know, you're not as hard
[01:09:21] this isn't you know, you're not as hard as you normally are and suddenly you're
[01:09:22] as you normally are and suddenly you're back on this cycle and then young women
[01:09:24] back on this cycle and then young women expect that that is a normal erection
[01:09:26] expect that that is a normal erection which is not. Anyone who's looked at a
[01:09:28] which is not. Anyone who's looked at a Viagra-driven erection and a normal
[01:09:30] Viagra-driven erection and a normal erection, they're completely different.
[01:09:32] erection, they're completely different. And then, on the other end of it, you've
[01:09:34] And then, on the other end of it, you've got older couples who, you know, we've
[01:09:37] got older couples who, you know, we've got two problems with when you get over
[01:09:39] got two problems with when you get over 50 or 60.
[01:09:41] 50 or 60. Men have erectile dysfunction and women
[01:09:43] Men have erectile dysfunction and women have, you know, dry vaginas and very,
[01:09:45] have, you know, dry vaginas and very, you know, the vagina basically
[01:09:47] you know, the vagina basically atrophies. So, they've solved it for
[01:09:49] atrophies. So, they've solved it for men. Great. Take this pill and suddenly
[01:09:51] men. Great. Take this pill and suddenly you're like you were 18 again, but
[01:09:53] you're like you were 18 again, but you're still with this vagina that's not
[01:09:55] you're still with this vagina that's not 18, where it's going to hurt like hell.
[01:09:57] 18, where it's going to hurt like hell. And then the man who's suddenly got the
[01:09:59] And then the man who's suddenly got the swinging penis is like, "Well, what am I
[01:10:01] swinging penis is like, "Well, what am I supposed to do with this?" And then he
[01:10:02] supposed to do with this?" And then he goes off and cheats with somebody
[01:10:03] goes off and cheats with somebody because he's so happy to have this this
[01:10:05] because he's so happy to have this this big rock-hard erection again. Is there a
[01:10:08] big rock-hard erection again. Is there a relationship between age and infidelity?
[01:10:11] relationship between age and infidelity? Um, I'm not sure about that. I would say
[01:10:15] Um, I'm not sure about that. I would say As in men cheating later more likely to
[01:10:16] As in men cheating later more likely to cheat later in life or I know that
[01:10:18] cheat later in life or I know that middle-aged people cheat a lot because
[01:10:20] middle-aged people cheat a lot because that's when you've you've Got choices.
[01:10:22] that's when you've you've Got choices. Yeah. Yeah, you've got choices. You're
[01:10:23] Yeah. Yeah, you've got choices. You're traveling. You've got money. It's
[01:10:25] traveling. You've got money. It's probably easy to get away with. You're
[01:10:26] probably easy to get away with. You're bored. You've had the kids. You know,
[01:10:28] bored. You've had the kids. You know, you've started to take everything for
[01:10:30] you've started to take everything for granted.
[01:10:31] granted. Um
[01:10:32] Um You know, things like that make people
[01:10:33] You know, things like that make people cheat. It's it's opportunity,
[01:10:35] cheat. It's it's opportunity, temptation, and and your moral code, you
[01:10:37] temptation, and and your moral code, you know. It's not to do with love. It is to
[01:10:39] know. It's not to do with love. It is to do with respect, though.
[01:10:41] do with respect, though. Red flags in relationships. The most
[01:10:44] Red flags in relationships. The most compatible couples have compatible life
[01:10:46] compatible couples have compatible life goals. Mhm. Something I've heard you say
[01:10:48] goals. Mhm. Something I've heard you say before. Yes.
[01:10:50] before. Yes. I think that is really important because
[01:10:52] I think that is really important because it is all about it's timing is so
[01:10:54] it is all about it's timing is so important. And and life goals. Say
[01:10:56] important. And and life goals. Say you've got, you know, you've got the
[01:10:57] you've got, you know, you've got the perfect relationship now. Your
[01:10:58] perfect relationship now. Your girlfriend's great. Say suddenly you
[01:11:00] girlfriend's great. Say suddenly you decided, "Right, I want to go off to
[01:11:01] decided, "Right, I want to go off to Africa and work with pygmies for
[01:11:05] Africa and work with pygmies for 5 years. This is my life goal." You
[01:11:08] 5 years. This is my life goal." You know, what's she supposed to do?
[01:11:10] know, what's she supposed to do? Of course it's important to have the
[01:11:11] Of course it's important to have the same goals. If you've got one person who
[01:11:13] same goals. If you've got one person who wants adventure and, you like to be
[01:11:15] wants adventure and, you like to be hiking every weekend and, you know,
[01:11:17] hiking every weekend and, you know, camping, my idea of hell,
[01:11:19] camping, my idea of hell, they're not going to match well with
[01:11:20] they're not going to match well with somebody like me who wants to be in a
[01:11:21] somebody like me who wants to be in a nice hotel and, you know,
[01:11:23] nice hotel and, you know, having lots of cocktails. You know what
[01:11:25] having lots of cocktails. You know what I mean? Like,
[01:11:26] I mean? Like, I don't mind the odd camping and hiking,
[01:11:27] I don't mind the odd camping and hiking, but do you know what I mean? Like,
[01:11:28] but do you know what I mean? Like, you've got to have you've got to be
[01:11:29] you've got to have you've got to be compatible. There's some stereotypes
[01:11:31] compatible. There's some stereotypes that still sort of exist and linger
[01:11:33] that still sort of exist and linger around sex and men and women being, you
[01:11:35] around sex and men and women being, you know, one of the ones that I was reading
[01:11:37] know, one of the ones that I was reading about in chapter six of your book is
[01:11:38] about in chapter six of your book is studies show it's it's not true men have
[01:11:40] studies show it's it's not true men have a higher sex drive than women.
[01:11:42] a higher sex drive than women. Women have a different desire for sex,
[01:11:44] Women have a different desire for sex, which you talked about. Studies also
[01:11:46] which you talked about. Studies also show it's not true that monogamy is
[01:11:47] show it's not true that monogamy is harder for men than it is for women. We
[01:11:49] harder for men than it is for women. We tend to think that men are the ones that
[01:11:50] tend to think that men are the ones that cheat.
[01:11:51] cheat. Mhm. Exactly. Which has never made sense
[01:11:53] Mhm. Exactly. Which has never made sense because if we just pretend the world for
[01:11:54] because if we just pretend the world for a second was
[01:11:55] a second was do the heterosexual equation. Mhm.
[01:11:58] do the heterosexual equation. Mhm. Every time a a man is having sex in a
[01:12:00] Every time a a man is having sex in a heterosexual heterosexual world, so is a
[01:12:02] heterosexual heterosexual world, so is a woman.
[01:12:03] woman. So, you know, the numbers don't quite
[01:12:05] So, you know, the numbers don't quite add up. One would assert just from the
[01:12:07] add up. One would assert just from the looking at the numbers that it's got to
[01:12:08] looking at the numbers that it's got to be quite close to like 50/50 to some
[01:12:10] be quite close to like 50/50 to some degree.
[01:12:10] degree. Yeah, of course. And also, like, if you
[01:12:12] Yeah, of course. And also, like, if you look at the stats on who's happiest, the
[01:12:14] look at the stats on who's happiest, the happiest people are single women and
[01:12:16] happiest people are single women and married men.
[01:12:17] married men. They're the two happiest groups of
[01:12:18] They're the two happiest groups of people always. Single women and married
[01:12:21] people always. Single women and married men are the happiest?
[01:12:22] men are the happiest? are the happiest groups of people. Like,
[01:12:23] are the happiest groups of people. Like, not married women.
[01:12:25] not married women. Married women like end up doing all the
[01:12:28] Married women like end up doing all the jobs and, you know, married women aren't
[01:12:30] jobs and, you know, married women aren't happier than single women.
[01:12:32] happier than single women. Single women are happier than married
[01:12:33] Single women are happier than married women. And married men are really happy
[01:12:35] women. And married men are really happy because they get everything done for
[01:12:37] because they get everything done for them, basically.
[01:12:39] them, basically. What role do do kids play in this whole
[01:12:40] What role do do kids play in this whole equation? Oh my god, kids, I think
[01:12:44] equation? Oh my god, kids, I think really make the love part better, I
[01:12:46] really make the love part better, I suppose, cuz you've created that thing,
[01:12:48] suppose, cuz you've created that thing, but they're terrible for sex. Terrible
[01:12:50] but they're terrible for sex. Terrible for sex. I mean, the minute the kids
[01:12:52] for sex. I mean, the minute the kids come along, you can kiss goodbye for sex
[01:12:53] come along, you can kiss goodbye for sex for 5 years, really. Really?
[01:12:55] for 5 years, really. Really? freak about it and they're like, "It's
[01:12:57] freak about it and they're like, "It's never going to come back." And it will
[01:12:58] never going to come back." And it will come back, of course it will, but, you
[01:12:59] come back, of course it will, but, you know, it all your energy is going to
[01:13:01] know, it all your energy is going to children. So, I think if you're going to
[01:13:02] children. So, I think if you're going to have kids, you've got to accept that
[01:13:04] have kids, you've got to accept that your sex life is going to take a
[01:13:06] your sex life is going to take a backseat
[01:13:07] backseat for a long, long time. Don't panic about
[01:13:09] for a long, long time. Don't panic about it. Keep having little sexual
[01:13:10] it. Keep having little sexual connections that aren't necessarily
[01:13:12] connections that aren't necessarily including intercourse, little bite-size
[01:13:14] including intercourse, little bite-size pieces of sex, and you'll be fine. But
[01:13:16] pieces of sex, and you'll be fine. But don't kid yourself that it's not going
[01:13:17] don't kid yourself that it's not going to change your sex life because it will.
[01:13:19] to change your sex life because it will. Boy, will it. Some people think that
[01:13:21] Boy, will it. Some people think that having kids will save the relationship.
[01:13:23] having kids will save the relationship. no. It's so stressful.
[01:13:26] no. It's so stressful. I don't I do not understand this. Every
[01:13:27] I don't I do not understand this. Every time I see somebody with a child, you
[01:13:29] time I see somebody with a child, you only have to hang around children for
[01:13:31] only have to hang around children for about 2 seconds to realize how stressful
[01:13:32] about 2 seconds to realize how stressful they are. If you've already got problems
[01:13:35] they are. If you've already got problems with your relationship and suddenly
[01:13:37] with your relationship and suddenly you're going to sleep deprive yourself,
[01:13:38] you're going to sleep deprive yourself, you're going to make have somebody
[01:13:40] you're going to make have somebody dependent on you 24 hours a day, how is
[01:13:42] dependent on you 24 hours a day, how is this going to make you more,
[01:13:44] this going to make you more, you know, happier with your husband? It
[01:13:45] you know, happier with your husband? It doesn't even make sense to me. It might
[01:13:47] doesn't even make sense to me. It might stop people leaving because of, you
[01:13:49] stop people leaving because of, you know,
[01:13:50] know, obligation, but who wants to be with
[01:13:52] obligation, but who wants to be with somebody out of obligation?
[01:13:54] somebody out of obligation? You said something that um
[01:13:56] You said something that um in your work that a neuroscientist told
[01:13:58] in your work that a neuroscientist told me on this podcast, which is that after
[01:14:00] me on this podcast, which is that after the first year non-parents are generally
[01:14:03] the first year non-parents are generally happier
[01:14:04] happier over time than parents. Mhm. It's kind
[01:14:07] over time than parents. Mhm. It's kind of a controversial idea. It is a
[01:14:08] of a controversial idea. It is a controversial idea, but I mean, there's
[01:14:10] controversial idea, but I mean, there's a trade-off with kids. There's such a
[01:14:12] a trade-off with kids. There's such a trade-off. You can never I mean, and I
[01:14:14] trade-off. You can never I mean, and I think there's a I've I'm a step-parent.
[01:14:16] think there's a I've I'm a step-parent. My husband has a daughter. And when
[01:14:19] My husband has a daughter. And when we're going through hassles with Sophia,
[01:14:21] we're going through hassles with Sophia, which she she's a little darling, but
[01:14:23] which she she's a little darling, but also could be a little devil, let me
[01:14:25] also could be a little devil, let me tell you. Um
[01:14:27] tell you. Um He can sleep. I mean, sorry, I can
[01:14:28] He can sleep. I mean, sorry, I can sleep. Miles can't sleep.
[01:14:31] sleep. Miles can't sleep. And when I and I lie there and I think,
[01:14:32] And when I and I lie there and I think, "Gosh, if I'd given birth to Sophia, if
[01:14:35] "Gosh, if I'd given birth to Sophia, if she'd been, you know, I wouldn't be able
[01:14:36] she'd been, you know, I wouldn't be able to sleep." There's no way that I'd be
[01:14:38] to sleep." There's no way that I'd be able to sleep. It's it's you are
[01:14:40] able to sleep. It's it's you are knowing that you're going to be worrying
[01:14:41] knowing that you're going to be worrying for the rest of your life once you have
[01:14:42] for the rest of your life once you have a kid.
[01:14:44] a kid. It's it's such a big responsibility. And
[01:14:47] It's it's such a big responsibility. And when you have that responsibility, it
[01:14:48] when you have that responsibility, it mean, you know, you're not going to be
[01:14:50] mean, you know, you're not going to be able to do you're not selfless. You
[01:14:53] able to do you're not selfless. You become selfless then, don't you? You
[01:14:54] become selfless then, don't you? You can't be selfish and have a kid. Well,
[01:14:56] can't be selfish and have a kid. Well, you can. You can be a really bad parent.
[01:14:58] you can. You can be a really bad parent. But it's different, isn't it?
[01:15:00] But it's different, isn't it? It's really different. I'm sure but then
[01:15:02] It's really different. I'm sure but then parents say, "Well, you're the one
[01:15:03] parents say, "Well, you're the one that's missed out because you don't have
[01:15:05] that's missed out because you don't have this incredible." And I have such a good
[01:15:07] this incredible." And I have such a good relationship with my mom and my dad and
[01:15:09] relationship with my mom and my dad and and us three kids are all milling
[01:15:11] and us three kids are all milling around. And they're like 87 and 89. I'm
[01:15:13] around. And they're like 87 and 89. I'm thinking no one's going to do that for
[01:15:14] thinking no one's going to do that for me. Who's going to do that for me? I'll
[01:15:15] me. Who's going to do that for me? I'll have to pay for it.
[01:15:16] have to pay for it. Mhm. So, there is that. When I hear that
[01:15:18] Mhm. So, there is that. When I hear that stuff, I do do wonder if it's the term
[01:15:20] stuff, I do do wonder if it's the term happiness is the confusing thing
[01:15:21] happiness is the confusing thing because, you know, a parent might say
[01:15:23] because, you know, a parent might say it's given me such a sense of purpose or
[01:15:25] it's given me such a sense of purpose or meaning.
[01:15:25] meaning. course. If you ask me in a survey on a
[01:15:27] course. If you ask me in a survey on a on a Tuesday how I'm feeling after
[01:15:29] on a Tuesday how I'm feeling after staying up till [ __ ] 2:00 a.m. cuz
[01:15:30] staying up till [ __ ] 2:00 a.m. cuz this kid was screaming, I'm probably
[01:15:32] this kid was screaming, I'm probably more likely to report at any given
[01:15:33] more likely to report at any given moment to being less happy. Mhm. But if
[01:15:36] moment to being less happy. Mhm. But if you zoom out, there's more meaning and
[01:15:37] you zoom out, there's more meaning and purpose. One might say that to to try
[01:15:38] purpose. One might say that to to try and provide the counterargument. Um I
[01:15:40] and provide the counterargument. Um I mean, how many people if you say,
[01:15:41] mean, how many people if you say, "What's the best thing you've ever
[01:15:42] "What's the best thing you've ever done?" They say having children. Yeah.
[01:15:44] done?" They say having children. Yeah. Everybody says that. Yeah. And they
[01:15:46] Everybody says that. Yeah. And they can't all be lying. No one says a
[01:15:47] can't all be lying. No one says a promotion at work or whatever else. They
[01:15:49] promotion at work or whatever else. They say
[01:15:49] say No, they don't. So, it must be, you
[01:15:51] No, they don't. So, it must be, you know, I mean, not everybody says that,
[01:15:52] know, I mean, not everybody says that, but I I do know mothers who say, "God,
[01:15:55] but I I do know mothers who say, "God, you know what? If I look back, maybe I
[01:15:57] you know what? If I look back, maybe I wouldn't have done this." But they're
[01:15:58] wouldn't have done this." But they're very brave and they tell childless women
[01:16:00] very brave and they tell childless women that. They never tell a woman with a
[01:16:01] that. They never tell a woman with a child, by the way.
[01:16:02] child, by the way. Yeah, of course not.
[01:16:04] Yeah, of course not. Women's libido I was reading in um in
[01:16:07] Women's libido I was reading in um in chapter six about women's libido tends
[01:16:09] chapter six about women's libido tends to drop
[01:16:10] to drop as as as they age, whereas men's um
[01:16:13] as as as they age, whereas men's um seems to remain fairly stable throughout
[01:16:16] seems to remain fairly stable throughout the relationship. Stable, but then they
[01:16:18] the relationship. Stable, but then they have the, you know, women struggle with
[01:16:19] have the, you know, women struggle with the drop of um because menopause with
[01:16:21] the drop of um because menopause with all the drop of testosterone and all
[01:16:23] all the drop of testosterone and all the, you know, test um estrogen, all
[01:16:26] the, you know, test um estrogen, all those things that keep your genitals in
[01:16:28] those things that keep your genitals in good shape and keep your sex drive high.
[01:16:30] good shape and keep your sex drive high. Men's testosterone drops as well,
[01:16:32] Men's testosterone drops as well, but then they're struggling with
[01:16:33] but then they're struggling with erections. So,
[01:16:36] erections. So, if you're an older man and you can get
[01:16:37] if you're an older man and you can get your head around that you're not going
[01:16:38] your head around that you're not going to get erections as easily as you did
[01:16:40] to get erections as easily as you did and it doesn't bother you, you're going
[01:16:41] and it doesn't bother you, you're going to be fine.
[01:16:42] to be fine. Um if you're a woman and you actually,
[01:16:45] Um if you're a woman and you actually, you know,
[01:16:46] you know, get all the things that are available to
[01:16:48] get all the things that are available to you. Take HRT if you can. Like, there's
[01:16:50] you. Take HRT if you can. Like, there's solutions for all of this. And don't
[01:16:52] solutions for all of this. And don't think to yourself, "Oh, well, we're old
[01:16:53] think to yourself, "Oh, well, we're old now. We're not going to be sexual."
[01:16:55] now. We're not going to be sexual." You'll be fine as well, but I think
[01:16:56] You'll be fine as well, but I think people panic,
[01:16:58] people panic, you know, when they hit a certain age.
[01:16:59] you know, when they hit a certain age. And there's this perception, you know,
[01:17:00] And there's this perception, you know, like, you know, people get I did a
[01:17:02] like, you know, people get I did a campaign for Replens, which is a vaginal
[01:17:04] campaign for Replens, which is a vaginal moisturizer,
[01:17:06] moisturizer, which most men blink at and and good to
[01:17:08] which most men blink at and and good to see you didn't. And it was all about and
[01:17:10] see you didn't. And it was all about and had these beautiful images of
[01:17:12] had these beautiful images of older people kissing passionately or
[01:17:15] older people kissing passionately or naked from the back and and they were
[01:17:17] naked from the back and and they were quite old. They and they they were the
[01:17:19] quite old. They and they they were the most beautiful images and so many people
[01:17:21] most beautiful images and so many people were threatened by that. They were
[01:17:23] were threatened by that. They were really threatened because there was old
[01:17:24] really threatened because there was old people doing sexual things and it we
[01:17:26] people doing sexual things and it we we're not treated that. We don't see
[01:17:29] we're not treated that. We don't see that very often. So, when somebody does
[01:17:30] that very often. So, when somebody does that,
[01:17:31] that, they um yeah, people freak. They don't
[01:17:33] they um yeah, people freak. They don't like to think about older people having
[01:17:34] like to think about older people having sex. So, when you are old, you have it
[01:17:36] sex. So, when you are old, you have it already in your head, "I'm not supposed
[01:17:38] already in your head, "I'm not supposed to want sex anymore," which is
[01:17:39] to want sex anymore," which is completely untrue. And is that why you
[01:17:40] completely untrue. And is that why you wrote a book called Great Sex Starts at
[01:17:42] wrote a book called Great Sex Starts at 50? Yes, because for me, that's what
[01:17:45] 50? Yes, because for me, that's what happened. I went through the whole of my
[01:17:47] happened. I went through the whole of my life with a high libido.
[01:17:49] life with a high libido. I've written about sex. I thought, "This
[01:17:51] I've written about sex. I thought, "This isn't going to happen to me because I
[01:17:53] isn't going to happen to me because I know everything about sex, of course."
[01:17:55] know everything about sex, of course." And then I hit like 50, no, actually
[01:17:58] And then I hit like 50, no, actually probably even before that, and suddenly
[01:18:00] probably even before that, and suddenly I realized I remember typing away one
[01:18:02] I realized I remember typing away one day and thinking, "Gosh David, I was
[01:18:03] day and thinking, "Gosh David, I was single at the time. I hadn't masturbated
[01:18:05] single at the time. I hadn't masturbated for ages. What's going on? Haven't even
[01:18:07] for ages. What's going on? Haven't even thought about sex for ages." And it's
[01:18:09] thought about sex for ages." And it's the drop in hormones. And, you know, and
[01:18:12] the drop in hormones. And, you know, and it's quite extraordinary to that whole
[01:18:14] it's quite extraordinary to that whole spontaneous desire. I had very high
[01:18:16] spontaneous desire. I had very high spontaneous desire and suddenly it went.
[01:18:18] spontaneous desire and suddenly it went. So, I just suddenly became like other
[01:18:20] So, I just suddenly became like other women, I suppose.
[01:18:21] women, I suppose. And suddenly it was like, "Oh my god, I
[01:18:24] And suddenly it was like, "Oh my god, I see what everyone's going on about." So,
[01:18:25] see what everyone's going on about." So, I thought, "For my own sake, I might
[01:18:27] I thought, "For my own sake, I might write that book."
[01:18:28] write that book." And it's very good writing that book.
[01:18:30] And it's very good writing that book. There's a lot of solutions in there.
[01:18:32] There's a lot of solutions in there. What are some of the most important
[01:18:33] What are some of the most important solutions for my listeners that are
[01:18:35] solutions for my listeners that are maybe experiencing a similar
[01:18:37] maybe experiencing a similar situation? Again, manage expectations.
[01:18:40] situation? Again, manage expectations. Keep having sex. That whole use it or
[01:18:42] Keep having sex. That whole use it or lose it. You've got to keep having sex.
[01:18:44] lose it. You've got to keep having sex. That's very, very important. Um get your
[01:18:46] That's very, very important. Um get your head around the whole thing about that
[01:18:49] head around the whole thing about that old doesn't mean that you can't be sexy.
[01:18:50] old doesn't mean that you can't be sexy. You can be It doesn't matter what you
[01:18:51] You can be It doesn't matter what you look like. It's what you feel like. It's
[01:18:53] look like. It's what you feel like. It's It's so many, many different things. And
[01:18:55] It's so many, many different things. And also, you don't have to put I think as a
[01:18:57] also, you don't have to put I think as a society, particularly English people, we
[01:18:59] society, particularly English people, we all put up with stuff. Like, there are
[01:19:02] all put up with stuff. Like, there are solutions for all of these things, you
[01:19:04] solutions for all of these things, you know, like
[01:19:05] know, like if you've got a dry vagina, go and get a
[01:19:06] if you've got a dry vagina, go and get a vaginal moisturizer. Go and get a, you
[01:19:08] vaginal moisturizer. Go and get a, you know, estrogen pessary. There are
[01:19:10] know, estrogen pessary. There are solutions for everything that happens
[01:19:11] solutions for everything that happens with menopause. You don't have to sit
[01:19:13] with menopause. You don't have to sit there and just put up with it all
[01:19:14] there and just put up with it all because if you do, then you won't want
[01:19:15] because if you do, then you won't want to have sex, definitely. So, seek all
[01:19:18] to have sex, definitely. So, seek all the solutions. Don't be scared to to try
[01:19:20] the solutions. Don't be scared to to try and find solutions to all these things
[01:19:22] and find solutions to all these things because they really are out there.
[01:19:23] because they really are out there. Change your head, sir, you know. And the
[01:19:25] Change your head, sir, you know. And the women It's interesting that they did a a
[01:19:28] women It's interesting that they did a a big thing about what really influences
[01:19:31] big thing about what really influences women's desire post-menopause,
[01:19:34] women's desire post-menopause, and it wasn't menopause. It was your
[01:19:36] and it wasn't menopause. It was your attitude to sex. If you'd always loved
[01:19:39] attitude to sex. If you'd always loved sex and you wanted sex to continue, you
[01:19:42] sex and you wanted sex to continue, you can you found the solutions and you kept
[01:19:43] can you found the solutions and you kept on having great sex. If you were never
[01:19:45] on having great sex. If you were never that keen, it's like, "Oh, actually, you
[01:19:47] that keen, it's like, "Oh, actually, you know what? Here we go, an obstacle. What
[01:19:50] know what? Here we go, an obstacle. What a great What a great sort of excuse to
[01:19:52] a great What a great sort of excuse to never have sex again." So, it's attitude
[01:19:55] never have sex again." So, it's attitude was way more important to how good the
[01:19:57] was way more important to how good the sex was after menopause, nothing to do
[01:19:59] sex was after menopause, nothing to do with menopause.
[01:20:01] with menopause. It seems again like that one of the
[01:20:02] It seems again like that one of the foundations behind all of this that's
[01:20:04] foundations behind all of this that's kind of hiding in the back room when it
[01:20:06] kind of hiding in the back room when it as it relates to people's libido and
[01:20:07] as it relates to people's libido and their attitudes to sex is that kind of
[01:20:09] their attitudes to sex is that kind of childhood experiences we talked about,
[01:20:11] childhood experiences we talked about, which is super tricky to unpack and even
[01:20:13] which is super tricky to unpack and even become aware of. And we all have our own
[01:20:15] become aware of. And we all have our own childhood experiences of sex, intimacy,
[01:20:18] childhood experiences of sex, intimacy, relationships, some cases in the worst
[01:20:20] relationships, some cases in the worst cases abuse, and all those things.
[01:20:22] cases abuse, and all those things. terrible. That we need to find a way to
[01:20:24] terrible. That we need to find a way to overcome first or address first before
[01:20:25] overcome first or address first before we can even That's right. have a And I
[01:20:28] we can even That's right. have a And I mean, particularly for men, often their
[01:20:30] mean, particularly for men, often their first experience childhood experience of
[01:20:32] first experience childhood experience of sex is being caught masturbating.
[01:20:34] sex is being caught masturbating. And how the parent deals with that is
[01:20:36] And how the parent deals with that is very formative because if it's like,
[01:20:39] very formative because if it's like, "Absolutely, what are you doing?" You
[01:20:40] "Absolutely, what are you doing?" You know, like, "Do you know, it's really
[01:20:41] know, like, "Do you know, it's really filthy, it's dirty, it's like, what are
[01:20:43] filthy, it's dirty, it's like, what are you doing?" Then they are going to
[01:20:46] you doing?" Then they are going to continue to masturbate because pretty
[01:20:48] continue to masturbate because pretty much they do, but they're going to try
[01:20:50] much they do, but they're going to try and do it faster and faster and faster.
[01:20:52] and do it faster and faster and faster. So, every time they're masturbating,
[01:20:53] So, every time they're masturbating, they're going to be trying to get it
[01:20:54] they're going to be trying to get it down to as quick quick as possible time
[01:20:56] down to as quick quick as possible time so that they don't get in trouble again.
[01:20:58] so that they don't get in trouble again. And then they end up with rapid
[01:20:59] And then they end up with rapid ejaculation. They can last 2 seconds
[01:21:02] ejaculation. They can last 2 seconds before they ejaculate. So, that's
[01:21:03] before they ejaculate. So, that's affected their sex life in a in a purely
[01:21:05] affected their sex life in a in a purely physical way. It sets us up in so many
[01:21:07] physical way. It sets us up in so many different ways, our childhood, you know.
[01:21:09] different ways, our childhood, you know. And I mean, I was lucky to grow up in a
[01:21:11] And I mean, I was lucky to grow up in a household where I don't know why our
[01:21:13] household where I don't know why our household was like that, but we just
[01:21:14] household was like that, but we just talked about sex openly. I suppose my
[01:21:16] talked about sex openly. I suppose my sister worked for family planning, which
[01:21:18] sister worked for family planning, which helped, but that was later. So, I don't
[01:21:20] helped, but that was later. So, I don't know, my mom and my dad were really cool
[01:21:22] know, my mom and my dad were really cool talking about sex and things. And so, I
[01:21:23] talking about sex and things. And so, I grew up thinking, "Oh, yeah, all
[01:21:25] grew up thinking, "Oh, yeah, all households are like that." But they're
[01:21:26] households are like that." But they're not. It's an unknown unknown. So, how do
[01:21:28] not. It's an unknown unknown. So, how do you go about even solving for those
[01:21:29] you go about even solving for those things? I guess you have to go to
[01:21:30] things? I guess you have to go to therapy and start unpacking it. Yeah, or
[01:21:32] therapy and start unpacking it. Yeah, or just unpack it yourself. You have to
[01:21:34] just unpack it yourself. You have to just think about You don't necessarily
[01:21:35] just think about You don't necessarily have to go to therapy. There's so much I
[01:21:36] have to go to therapy. There's so much I mean, the joy of the internet is there's
[01:21:38] mean, the joy of the internet is there's so much online that you can do. If you
[01:21:40] so much online that you can do. If you typed in, you know, "I don't like sex as
[01:21:42] typed in, you know, "I don't like sex as my parents you know, taught me." There's
[01:21:44] my parents you know, taught me." There's There's a book called Sexmart which is
[01:21:45] There's a book called Sexmart which is very good about childhoods. Sex?
[01:21:47] very good about childhoods. Sex? Sexmart, it's called. Sexmart.
[01:21:49] Sexmart, it's called. Sexmart. Yeah. You can still buy It's an old
[01:21:51] Yeah. You can still buy It's an old book, but it it sort of delves into all
[01:21:53] book, but it it sort of delves into all of this. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm
[01:21:55] of this. And yeah, I mean, I think I'm so pro-therapy. I think everybody should
[01:21:57] so pro-therapy. I think everybody should go to therapy. No one has a perfect
[01:21:59] go to therapy. No one has a perfect childhood. And in fact, having a perfect
[01:22:00] childhood. And in fact, having a perfect childhood can also set you up for
[01:22:02] childhood can also set you up for things. So,
[01:22:03] things. So, you know, if we if we have a problem if
[01:22:05] you know, if we if we have a problem if you have a problem with sex, you know,
[01:22:06] you have a problem with sex, you know, going to see a really good sex therapist
[01:22:08] going to see a really good sex therapist is could sort it out very quickly. So,
[01:22:11] is could sort it out very quickly. So, don't leave it too late.
[01:22:13] don't leave it too late. God, I work out and I can't even pick
[01:22:15] God, I work out and I can't even pick all these books up.
[01:22:17] all these books up. This isn't even all the books, is it?
[01:22:18] This isn't even all the books, is it? No.
[01:22:19] No. So, you've got relationships, how to
[01:22:20] So, you've got relationships, how to have one, great sex starts at 50, Sex
[01:22:24] have one, great sex starts at 50, Sex Doctor Fix Your Love Life Fast, Hot Sex,
[01:22:26] Doctor Fix Your Love Life Fast, Hot Sex, How How to Do It, We've Got Dare. Ooh,
[01:22:30] How How to Do It, We've Got Dare. Ooh, that
[01:22:30] that That hard to see? Ooh, that looks very
[01:22:31] That hard to see? Ooh, that looks very uh 50 Shades. It does a bit. More hot
[01:22:34] uh 50 Shades. It does a bit. More hot More hot sex. Okay.
[01:22:37] More hot sex. Okay. Would um Would Like to Meet Yeah, that
[01:22:39] Would um Would Like to Meet Yeah, that was the TV show I did about dating,
[01:22:41] was the TV show I did about dating, yeah. Oh, yes, okay.
[01:22:42] yeah. Oh, yes, okay. That's what I did with that.
[01:22:44] That's what I did with that. You There's There's a question there I
[01:22:46] You There's There's a question there I should ask cuz I'm thinking again about
[01:22:47] should ask cuz I'm thinking again about a friend that just popped to mind.
[01:22:49] a friend that just popped to mind. Is there something going on with male
[01:22:52] Is there something going on with male and female dating in terms of it it
[01:22:55] and female dating in terms of it it becoming more difficult in the modern
[01:22:56] becoming more difficult in the modern day and age? There's some stats that one
[01:22:58] day and age? There's some stats that one of my podcast guest shared about how
[01:23:00] of my podcast guest shared about how women are um
[01:23:03] women are um having less children and they're finding
[01:23:04] having less children and they're finding it more difficult to date and to find a
[01:23:06] it more difficult to date and to find a compatible male in the modern way that
[01:23:08] compatible male in the modern way that society is designed. Mhm.
[01:23:11] society is designed. Mhm. And I've got friends that are
[01:23:13] And I've got friends that are uh you know, around that sort of
[01:23:15] uh you know, around that sort of mid-late 30s range that are really
[01:23:17] mid-late 30s range that are really really really struggling in the modern
[01:23:18] really really struggling in the modern world. It's almost I almost
[01:23:19] world. It's almost I almost Men or women?
[01:23:20] Men or women? or both. Right, yeah. I almost suspect
[01:23:22] or both. Right, yeah. I almost suspect that um
[01:23:24] that um I actually don't have that many friends
[01:23:25] I actually don't have that many friends that are in that that region that aren't
[01:23:26] that are in that that region that aren't um but it's almost like there's a
[01:23:28] um but it's almost like there's a generation almost caught in a gap where
[01:23:30] generation almost caught in a gap where you're Gen Z native to social media, the
[01:23:33] you're Gen Z native to social media, the internet, you know, that's the where
[01:23:34] internet, you know, that's the where they grew up. And then maybe the older
[01:23:36] they grew up. And then maybe the older generation already already partnered off
[01:23:38] generation already already partnered off because, you know, they met someone at
[01:23:39] because, you know, they met someone at church or And then you got
[01:23:42] church or And then you got this generation who are caught in the
[01:23:43] this generation who are caught in the gap
[01:23:44] gap all high-achieving women? Yeah. Yeah,
[01:23:45] all high-achieving women? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's the problem. So, what
[01:23:47] exactly. That's the problem. So, what happens is you get And this is why there
[01:23:49] happens is you get And this is why there are more and more single women now
[01:23:51] are more and more single women now because more and more women are
[01:23:52] because more and more women are high-achieving. So, they're not like
[01:23:54] high-achieving. So, they're not like looking for a husband straight away.
[01:23:56] looking for a husband straight away. And when you've got a big gene pool of
[01:23:57] And when you've got a big gene pool of people to you know, like you When you
[01:23:58] people to you know, like you When you come out of uni or even before you go
[01:24:01] come out of uni or even before you go into uni cuz lots of people meet at uni
[01:24:02] into uni cuz lots of people meet at uni and stay together. You've got this big,
[01:24:04] and stay together. You've got this big, you know, like numbers game. You've got
[01:24:06] you know, like numbers game. You've got loads of women single, loads of men
[01:24:08] loads of women single, loads of men single, and you sort of all hook up. And
[01:24:10] single, and you sort of all hook up. And if your motivation is to get married and
[01:24:12] if your motivation is to get married and have kids, and that's your only
[01:24:13] have kids, and that's your only motivation, you're going to find a
[01:24:14] motivation, you're going to find a partner early, and that's it. You job
[01:24:16] partner early, and that's it. You job done, keep going, right? Assuming it all
[01:24:17] done, keep going, right? Assuming it all goes well. But if your motivation isn't
[01:24:20] goes well. But if your motivation isn't necessarily that, if you want to go on
[01:24:22] necessarily that, if you want to go on to university, you know, get your career
[01:24:24] to university, you know, get your career sorted, and then turn around and have
[01:24:26] sorted, and then turn around and have kids like at 30, okay, right now,
[01:24:29] kids like at 30, okay, right now, achieved, I'm at the past, you know,
[01:24:31] achieved, I'm at the past, you know, where I want to have kids, but and I can
[01:24:32] where I want to have kids, but and I can take a bit of a break here, and and then
[01:24:34] take a bit of a break here, and and then suddenly, where is he? Well, he's not
[01:24:36] suddenly, where is he? Well, he's not there because he's already been taken up
[01:24:38] there because he's already been taken up everybody else. And men traditionally
[01:24:42] everybody else. And men traditionally don't like dating high-achieving women
[01:24:45] don't like dating high-achieving women unless they're high-achieving
[01:24:46] unless they're high-achieving themselves. And the amount of
[01:24:48] themselves. And the amount of high-achieving women is getting higher,
[01:24:50] high-achieving women is getting higher, and the amount of high-achieving men is
[01:24:51] and the amount of high-achieving men is getting lower. So, you've got even less
[01:24:53] getting lower. So, you've got even less of a pool to choose from. So, the answer
[01:24:55] of a pool to choose from. So, the answer for the women is to think outside the
[01:24:57] for the women is to think outside the square and think, "Right, okay, do I
[01:24:59] square and think, "Right, okay, do I really need the guy who's got the
[01:25:00] really need the guy who's got the degree?" Cuz women high-achieving women
[01:25:02] degree?" Cuz women high-achieving women like to go for high-achieving men. Is
[01:25:04] like to go for high-achieving men. Is that statistically It's just generally
[01:25:06] that statistically It's just generally what happens, isn't it? You sort of If
[01:25:08] what happens, isn't it? You sort of If I've got a degree, I want somebody else
[01:25:09] I've got a degree, I want somebody else who's got a degree. So, then you have to
[01:25:11] who's got a degree. So, then you have to change your wish list a little bit and
[01:25:13] change your wish list a little bit and think, "Okay,
[01:25:15] think, "Okay, I'm going to, you know, look in a I'm
[01:25:17] I'm going to, you know, look in a I'm I'm not going to be as rigid with my you
[01:25:20] I'm not going to be as rigid with my you know, must-haves, and perhaps, you know,
[01:25:22] know, must-haves, and perhaps, you know, think about things like, "Well, does it
[01:25:23] think about things like, "Well, does it really matter how much he earns if I'm
[01:25:25] really matter how much he earns if I'm already earning lots of money?
[01:25:26] already earning lots of money? You know, isn't kindness, you know,
[01:25:28] You know, isn't kindness, you know, generosity, sense of humor,
[01:25:31] generosity, sense of humor, attractiveness, you know, just general
[01:25:33] attractiveness, you know, just general chemistry, isn't that isn't that
[01:25:34] chemistry, isn't that isn't that enough?" So, if you go for those
[01:25:36] enough?" So, if you go for those qualities, you end up a lot better off.
[01:25:38] qualities, you end up a lot better off. And you'll end up happier as well. Is
[01:25:40] And you'll end up happier as well. Is that against our innate wiring? Because,
[01:25:43] that against our innate wiring? Because, you know, some people sometimes say that
[01:25:45] you know, some people sometimes say that men care less about the financial
[01:25:47] men care less about the financial resources of their partner. Mhm. Um So,
[01:25:52] resources of their partner. Mhm. Um So, does that kind of go For me, if I'm a if
[01:25:54] does that kind of go For me, if I'm a if I'm a woman and I'm looking for
[01:25:56] I'm a woman and I'm looking for uh
[01:25:57] uh a partner, am I going to look for
[01:25:58] a partner, am I going to look for someone who is kind of up into the
[01:26:01] someone who is kind of up into the right?
[01:26:02] right? Probably. But that doesn't necessarily
[01:26:05] Probably. But that doesn't necessarily work. See, for me that didn't work
[01:26:07] work. See, for me that didn't work because if I'm I'm like very alpha
[01:26:10] because if I'm I'm like very alpha female. So, whenever I went out with an
[01:26:12] female. So, whenever I went out with an alpha male, we were just like
[01:26:14] alpha male, we were just like Right.
[01:26:14] Right. hated each other. So, I'm the boss. No,
[01:26:16] hated each other. So, I'm the boss. No, I'm the boss. No, [ __ ] off now, I'm
[01:26:17] I'm the boss. No, [ __ ] off now, I'm controlling you. No, you know. No, it
[01:26:19] controlling you. No, you know. No, it didn't work at all. Didn't work at all.
[01:26:21] didn't work at all. Didn't work at all. Very competitive. I'm too competitive.
[01:26:22] Very competitive. I'm too competitive. They were too competitive. That didn't
[01:26:24] They were too competitive. That didn't work. So, so
[01:26:26] work. So, so I've got I mean, my partner is really
[01:26:29] I've got I mean, my partner is really proud of me. He's not at all um
[01:26:32] proud of me. He's not at all um Threatened.
[01:26:32] Threatened. It's threatened in the slightest by any
[01:26:34] It's threatened in the slightest by any success any success I've had. He's my
[01:26:37] success any success I've had. He's my biggest proudest supporter. He And And
[01:26:41] biggest proudest supporter. He And And we work differently. Like, you know, if
[01:26:43] we work differently. Like, you know, if if my thing is to, you know, um
[01:26:46] if my thing is to, you know, um if you know, I make more money than him,
[01:26:48] if you know, I make more money than him, he doesn't mind me saying that cuz he's
[01:26:49] he doesn't mind me saying that cuz he's he's fine with it. And so, if I've got
[01:26:52] he's fine with it. And so, if I've got more money, that's great. So, therefore,
[01:26:54] more money, that's great. So, therefore, you know, if he's got more time than me
[01:26:55] you know, if he's got more time than me to do the traditional female things,
[01:26:58] to do the traditional female things, then he's fine with that. And then
[01:26:59] then he's fine with that. And then sometimes other times I'll do it, and
[01:27:01] sometimes other times I'll do it, and you know, he assumes the male role. So,
[01:27:04] you know, he assumes the male role. So, it's very um you know, we're comfortable
[01:27:06] it's very um you know, we're comfortable with each other. We We, you know, we
[01:27:07] with each other. We We, you know, we don't care care that I tick the male
[01:27:10] don't care care that I tick the male boxes in some roles, and he ticks the
[01:27:12] boxes in some roles, and he ticks the female boxes, and it works very well.
[01:27:14] female boxes, and it works very well. And I think you have to I think that's
[01:27:16] And I think you have to I think that's hopefully where we're headed. But there
[01:27:18] hopefully where we're headed. But there is There are sometimes where I mean, I
[01:27:20] is There are sometimes where I mean, I know I know I'm not typical with
[01:27:22] know I know I'm not typical with females. I know that a lot of women, you
[01:27:25] females. I know that a lot of women, you know, won't go out with a man unless he
[01:27:26] know, won't go out with a man unless he makes a lot of money, particularly if
[01:27:27] makes a lot of money, particularly if they make a lot of money. They won't.
[01:27:30] they make a lot of money. They won't. I've never been like that. I've never
[01:27:31] I've never been like that. I've never been get their money. It's make my If I
[01:27:34] been get their money. It's make my If I want money, I'll make it myself, thanks.
[01:27:35] want money, I'll make it myself, thanks. I don't want to have someone else's
[01:27:36] I don't want to have someone else's money. That's not mine.
[01:27:38] money. That's not mine. So, I do think
[01:27:40] So, I do think it's a big problem for women and men. I
[01:27:42] it's a big problem for women and men. I think we both have to especially women
[01:27:44] think we both have to especially women have to stop being so rigid with that.
[01:27:46] have to stop being so rigid with that. You know, and how expect the man to
[01:27:48] You know, and how expect the man to provide. I think men have to stop being
[01:27:50] provide. I think men have to stop being so feeling emasculated if it if it's the
[01:27:52] so feeling emasculated if it if it's the woman who's earning more. So, what? Who
[01:27:54] woman who's earning more. So, what? Who cares? As long as someone's got some
[01:27:56] cares? As long as someone's got some money somewhere along the line, who
[01:27:57] money somewhere along the line, who cares which one?
[01:27:59] cares which one? If you're in that age range between say
[01:28:00] If you're in that age range between say 30 and 40, and you're a woman, and
[01:28:03] 30 and 40, and you're a woman, and you're single, and you don't want to be
[01:28:05] you're single, and you don't want to be single. I think that's important to say.
[01:28:06] single. I think that's important to say. You don't want to be single. You want to
[01:28:07] You don't want to be single. You want to have a you know, you want to meet a
[01:28:09] have a you know, you want to meet a partner. You want to have a family,
[01:28:10] partner. You want to have a family, whatever it might be.
[01:28:12] whatever it might be. What advice would you give to that
[01:28:13] What advice would you give to that person? I'm thinking now about my a
[01:28:15] person? I'm thinking now about my a series of my close um
[01:28:17] series of my close um friends that are women that are single
[01:28:18] friends that are women that are single in that range and that have expressed
[01:28:20] in that range and that have expressed that they they don't want to be single.
[01:28:23] that they they don't want to be single. Um but they're struggling for all the
[01:28:24] Um but they're struggling for all the reasons you said, super high-achieving,
[01:28:26] reasons you said, super high-achieving, um you know, they're they've got great
[01:28:29] um you know, they're they've got great careers. They're very very busy because
[01:28:31] careers. They're very very busy because of that as well. They've you know, Yeah,
[01:28:32] of that as well. They've you know, Yeah, that was the issue, isn't it?
[01:28:34] that was the issue, isn't it? It's um
[01:28:35] It's um I mean, I was talking about Helen Gurley
[01:28:37] I mean, I was talking about Helen Gurley Brown, the Cosmo founder, and she always
[01:28:39] Brown, the Cosmo founder, and she always said, "You can have it all."
[01:28:41] said, "You can have it all." And that's the biggest lie women have
[01:28:42] And that's the biggest lie women have been sold. You can't have it all. There
[01:28:44] been sold. You can't have it all. There is something that gives. And And these
[01:28:45] is something that gives. And And these high-achievers, yeah, they have
[01:28:48] high-achievers, yeah, they have compromised their chances of finding a
[01:28:50] compromised their chances of finding a partner by putting all into their
[01:28:51] partner by putting all into their career. You can't have it all. And I did
[01:28:53] career. You can't have it all. And I did that. I mean, it took me to 50. I had
[01:28:55] that. I mean, it took me to 50. I had lots of relationships. It took me to 50
[01:28:57] lots of relationships. It took me to 50 to find somebody that was I was
[01:29:00] to find somebody that was I was compatible with. It's not easy. It's
[01:29:02] compatible with. It's not easy. It's really really difficult. And I was out
[01:29:03] really really difficult. And I was out there meeting tons of people. So, first
[01:29:06] there meeting tons of people. So, first accept that it's nothing to do with you.
[01:29:08] accept that it's nothing to do with you. Doesn't mean that you're not attractive
[01:29:09] Doesn't mean that you're not attractive or anything. You're probably less
[01:29:11] or anything. You're probably less marketable because you're too
[01:29:12] marketable because you're too intelligent, and some men will be
[01:29:14] intelligent, and some men will be freaked by that. And you're too
[01:29:15] freaked by that. And you're too successful, and some men will be freaked
[01:29:17] successful, and some men will be freaked by that. They don't know what to do with
[01:29:18] by that. They don't know what to do with you and they it makes them feel bad
[01:29:20] you and they it makes them feel bad because they're going to those
[01:29:21] because they're going to those traditional patterns like how she's not
[01:29:23] traditional patterns like how she's not going to go out with me. You know, I'm
[01:29:25] going to go out with me. You know, I'm not as successful as her so I'm not even
[01:29:26] not as successful as her so I'm not even going to try.
[01:29:27] going to try. So you have to make the approach number
[01:29:29] So you have to make the approach number one.
[01:29:30] one. Um change your wish list to become
[01:29:33] Um change your wish list to become qualities, personality qualities, not
[01:29:35] qualities, personality qualities, not you know, must be a certain height, must
[01:29:37] you know, must be a certain height, must be a certain income, must drive this
[01:29:38] be a certain income, must drive this car, must you know, all those sort of
[01:29:39] car, must you know, all those sort of things cuz they really don't matter.
[01:29:42] things cuz they really don't matter. And um and also date outside of type.
[01:29:45] And um and also date outside of type. Like go out with people. Look beyond the
[01:29:47] Like go out with people. Look beyond the exterior. See what's inside. Like
[01:29:50] exterior. See what's inside. Like I think they'll be very quick to go,
[01:29:52] I think they'll be very quick to go, "Oh, I know. I can't go out with that
[01:29:53] "Oh, I know. I can't go out with that person." You know, like go on a couple
[01:29:55] person." You know, like go on a couple of dates. Even if the first date's a
[01:29:56] of dates. Even if the first date's a disaster.
[01:29:57] disaster. Go on two or three dates. Go on at least
[01:29:59] Go on two or three dates. Go on at least three with people. You know,
[01:30:02] three with people. You know, go out all the time. Often these women
[01:30:04] go out all the time. Often these women are so busy. It's like, "Well, when do
[01:30:06] are so busy. It's like, "Well, when do you when do you actually go out to
[01:30:07] you when do you actually go out to actually put yourself in a situation
[01:30:08] actually put yourself in a situation where you can meet someone?"
[01:30:10] where you can meet someone?" Never.
[01:30:11] Never. They're not going to walk in your lounge
[01:30:12] They're not going to walk in your lounge room, are they? Unless you sort of order
[01:30:14] room, are they? Unless you sort of order delivery.
[01:30:15] delivery. They're really not. So come on. You've
[01:30:18] They're really not. So come on. You've got to make some effort here. You've got
[01:30:19] got to make some effort here. You've got to do the numbers game and I don't know
[01:30:21] to do the numbers game and I don't know whether that dating apps are the right
[01:30:22] whether that dating apps are the right way forward, but they're probably the
[01:30:23] way forward, but they're probably the only way it's the way that most people
[01:30:25] only way it's the way that most people meet. So you kind of have to just suck
[01:30:27] meet. So you kind of have to just suck it up and get on there.
[01:30:28] it up and get on there. I think.
[01:30:29] I think. I think that's phenomenal advice. I was
[01:30:31] I think that's phenomenal advice. I was really really happy you said that as
[01:30:32] really really happy you said that as well because you know, I know
[01:30:34] well because you know, I know certain friends of mine are going to be
[01:30:35] certain friends of mine are going to be listening. Um They'll hate me for it.
[01:30:37] listening. Um They'll hate me for it. No, I don't think so. I think it's an
[01:30:39] No, I don't think so. I think it's an it's it's an opinion. It's one that
[01:30:40] it's it's an opinion. It's one that makes um sense and I think that's all
[01:30:43] makes um sense and I think that's all that anyone can deliver on this podcast
[01:30:45] that anyone can deliver on this podcast and that's that's why I like it. It's
[01:30:47] and that's that's why I like it. It's and it's actually matches the opinion I
[01:30:49] and it's actually matches the opinion I had from a man previously on this
[01:30:51] had from a man previously on this podcast who received quite a
[01:30:53] podcast who received quite a um when a man says those kinds of
[01:30:55] um when a man says those kinds of things, I don't think it's received as
[01:30:56] things, I don't think it's received as well necessarily because they're
[01:30:57] well necessarily because they're speaking from a place of like they don't
[01:30:59] speaking from a place of like they don't have the lived experience and there's a
[01:31:00] have the lived experience and there's a lot of like gender inequality things
[01:31:02] lot of like gender inequality things that are you know, historical things
[01:31:04] that are you know, historical things with men and
[01:31:05] with men and um the term one of my previous guest
[01:31:07] um the term one of my previous guest used to describe it was um tall girl
[01:31:11] used to describe it was um tall girl problem.
[01:31:12] problem. The You see what I mean? It's not a good
[01:31:14] The You see what I mean? It's not a good It's not necessarily the most um
[01:31:17] It's not necessarily the most um You could also say Yeah, you could say
[01:31:19] You could also say Yeah, you could say small man problem. Yeah, exactly.
[01:31:21] small man problem. Yeah, exactly. It's the same thing, you know. This is
[01:31:22] It's the same thing, you know. This is an interesting question. It's probably
[01:31:23] an interesting question. It's probably the question I should have started with.
[01:31:25] the question I should have started with. What is sex?
[01:31:26] What is sex? Well, sex certainly isn't intercourse.
[01:31:28] Well, sex certainly isn't intercourse. And people need to stop thinking of sex
[01:31:29] And people need to stop thinking of sex as intercourse.
[01:31:31] as intercourse. Sex is any type of
[01:31:33] Sex is any type of any type of
[01:31:35] any type of feeling, word, thought that makes you
[01:31:38] feeling, word, thought that makes you feel aroused. That's how I describe sex.
[01:31:41] feel aroused. That's how I describe sex. And what what purpose is it solving? Why
[01:31:42] And what what purpose is it solving? Why does it exist? To create other human
[01:31:45] does it exist? To create other human beings. This is why, you know, our going
[01:31:47] beings. This is why, you know, our going right back to the beginning, this whole
[01:31:49] right back to the beginning, this whole thing that we have that, you know, why
[01:31:51] thing that we have that, you know, why can't we have the sex at the beginning
[01:31:52] can't we have the sex at the beginning all the way through? Because it doesn't
[01:31:54] all the way through? Because it doesn't suit. It wouldn't work. If you were have
[01:31:56] suit. It wouldn't work. If you were have so in, you know, lust-driven and all you
[01:31:58] so in, you know, lust-driven and all you wanted to do was shag like rabbits, you
[01:32:00] wanted to do was shag like rabbits, you would never get anything else done. You
[01:32:01] would never get anything else done. You certainly wouldn't have children. You
[01:32:02] certainly wouldn't have children. You certainly wouldn't have a job. So we are
[01:32:05] certainly wouldn't have a job. So we are designed to keep the world in a safe
[01:32:07] designed to keep the world in a safe place. We go through lust and
[01:32:09] place. We go through lust and infatuation, romance, attachment for a
[01:32:11] infatuation, romance, attachment for a reason. So that we calm down. We don't
[01:32:14] reason. So that we calm down. We don't have the hot sex and we keep the world,
[01:32:16] have the hot sex and we keep the world, you know, we bring up our children in a
[01:32:18] you know, we bring up our children in a sensible way and the world continues.
[01:32:20] sensible way and the world continues. What does that say about monogamy
[01:32:22] What does that say about monogamy though? Because if That's probably not
[01:32:23] though? Because if That's probably not natural.
[01:32:25] natural. That's what I was going to say. Because
[01:32:27] That's what I was going to say. Because if my sex drive is deteriorating to any
[01:32:30] if my sex drive is deteriorating to any degree, one would suggest that's
[01:32:31] degree, one would suggest that's encouraging me to go
[01:32:33] encouraging me to go shag someone else. Well, it is, but you
[01:32:35] shag someone else. Well, it is, but you don't because you love your partner. So
[01:32:36] don't because you love your partner. So you It's a trade-off. It's always a
[01:32:38] you It's a trade-off. It's always a trade-off. You can have the love and the
[01:32:40] trade-off. You can have the love and the contentment and the companionship. And
[01:32:43] contentment and the companionship. And this is why older, you know, you asked
[01:32:44] this is why older, you know, you asked about um infidelity statistics. Older
[01:32:47] about um infidelity statistics. Older people don't cheat very much who are in
[01:32:50] people don't cheat very much who are in good relationships because they're not
[01:32:52] good relationships because they're not having that drive. That that lust is
[01:32:54] having that drive. That that lust is gone. You know, your your sex drive is
[01:32:56] gone. You know, your your sex drive is lower as you get older.
[01:32:58] lower as you get older. And it's the trade-off. It's like,
[01:32:59] And it's the trade-off. It's like, "Yeah, I could go out and cheat and have
[01:33:01] "Yeah, I could go out and cheat and have really hot sex, but I'm going to have to
[01:33:03] really hot sex, but I'm going to have to look my partner in the eye and I really
[01:33:05] look my partner in the eye and I really love my partner. So I'm going to I'm
[01:33:06] love my partner. So I'm going to I'm happy to wave goodbye to that hot sex.
[01:33:08] happy to wave goodbye to that hot sex. I've had enough of it in my life." So it
[01:33:09] I've had enough of it in my life." So it depends on your motivation. So if you
[01:33:11] depends on your motivation. So if you are driven by sex, then just don't
[01:33:13] are driven by sex, then just don't settle down. Keep swapping partners and
[01:33:15] settle down. Keep swapping partners and get that out of your system and then
[01:33:16] get that out of your system and then you're not going to be dishonest to
[01:33:17] you're not going to be dishonest to anyone. But if you do want a
[01:33:19] anyone. But if you do want a relationship, sometimes you have to go,
[01:33:21] relationship, sometimes you have to go, "Okay, we can have great sex. It's not
[01:33:23] "Okay, we can have great sex. It's not going to be
[01:33:25] going to be like the sex that you have at the
[01:33:26] like the sex that you have at the beginning, but you know what? I've got
[01:33:27] beginning, but you know what? I've got two kids. I've got a great wife. I've
[01:33:29] two kids. I've got a great wife. I've got, you know, it's a trade-off in life,
[01:33:31] got, you know, it's a trade-off in life, isn't it? Everything's a trade-off. So
[01:33:33] isn't it? Everything's a trade-off. So you don't think monogamy is um natural?
[01:33:36] you don't think monogamy is um natural? I think that for sex, no.
[01:33:39] I think that for sex, no. I think for sex, no. It's absolutely
[01:33:40] I think for sex, no. It's absolutely not. For our sex drive, it's the worst
[01:33:42] not. For our sex drive, it's the worst thing is to give someone security and,
[01:33:44] thing is to give someone security and, you know, predictability and stuff and
[01:33:46] you know, predictability and stuff and the same person over and over. No. Not
[01:33:48] the same person over and over. No. Not for our sex drive.
[01:33:49] for our sex drive. But the problem is is that the
[01:33:51] But the problem is is that the alternative is polyamory, right? So you
[01:33:53] alternative is polyamory, right? So you have this one love relationship and then
[01:33:55] have this one love relationship and then you seek sex elsewhere. Now in theory,
[01:33:58] you seek sex elsewhere. Now in theory, that really appeals to me. I can see
[01:34:00] that really appeals to me. I can see that that would be great, right? But I'm
[01:34:02] that that would be great, right? But I'm never going to I'm not going to feel
[01:34:03] never going to I'm not going to feel comfortable waving off my husband. Bye,
[01:34:05] comfortable waving off my husband. Bye, darling. You have a great time. You
[01:34:06] darling. You have a great time. You know, don't worry about what time you
[01:34:07] know, don't worry about what time you get back. No way. I He's my You know,
[01:34:10] get back. No way. I He's my You know, it's possession, isn't it? It's
[01:34:12] it's possession, isn't it? It's ownership. It's sexual ownership. You
[01:34:14] ownership. It's sexual ownership. You know, I You're not going to You might
[01:34:16] know, I You're not going to You might want to do it yourself, but you're not
[01:34:17] want to do it yourself, but you're not going to send your partner off and they
[01:34:18] going to send your partner off and they might want to do it themselves, but
[01:34:19] might want to do it themselves, but they're not going to send you off. So I
[01:34:21] they're not going to send you off. So I don't know what the solution is. I
[01:34:22] don't know what the solution is. I really don't.
[01:34:23] really don't. Well, as you said, in life you can't
[01:34:24] Well, as you said, in life you can't have it all. So everything is
[01:34:25] have it all. So everything is trade-offs.
[01:34:27] trade-offs. And that's another trade-off where I'm
[01:34:28] And that's another trade-off where I'm sure some people would love to be able
[01:34:30] sure some people would love to be able to have sex with other people, but they
[01:34:31] to have sex with other people, but they wouldn't be able they wouldn't want to
[01:34:32] wouldn't be able they wouldn't want to reciprocate that.
[01:34:33] reciprocate that. Exactly. To their partner.
[01:34:35] Exactly. To their partner. We have a closing tradition on this
[01:34:36] We have a closing tradition on this podcast where the last guest leaves a
[01:34:38] podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest not knowing
[01:34:39] question for the next guest not knowing who they're leaving it for.
[01:34:41] who they're leaving it for. And the question that's been left for
[01:34:42] And the question that's been left for you, okay.
[01:34:45] When you are near the end of your life
[01:34:49] When you are near the end of your life and looking back over it,
[01:34:51] and looking back over it, what will you be proudest of
[01:34:54] what will you be proudest of and what will you regret the most? Gosh.
[01:34:58] and what will you regret the most? Gosh. Um
[01:35:00] Um proudest of my career and having helped
[01:35:03] proudest of my career and having helped people.
[01:35:04] people. I'm one of the really annoying people
[01:35:06] I'm one of the really annoying people when you're in a in dinner party who's
[01:35:08] when you're in a in dinner party who's just knew what they wanted to do really
[01:35:09] just knew what they wanted to do really early on with the writing and then that
[01:35:11] early on with the writing and then that happened very early with my parents. Um
[01:35:13] happened very early with my parents. Um so I'm really proud of that. My first
[01:35:16] so I'm really proud of that. My first book, I was so excited. I literally You
[01:35:18] book, I was so excited. I literally You know that when you just jump on the
[01:35:19] know that when you just jump on the spot? I was literally jumping on the
[01:35:20] spot? I was literally jumping on the spot. I don't really do regrets
[01:35:22] spot. I don't really do regrets actually. I don't really do regrets.
[01:35:24] actually. I don't really do regrets. Maybe I wish that I was more or had been
[01:35:27] Maybe I wish that I was more or had been more confident. I'm confident on the
[01:35:29] more confident. I'm confident on the outside, but not on the inside. I'm the
[01:35:31] outside, but not on the inside. I'm the most confident unconfident person you'll
[01:35:33] most confident unconfident person you'll ever meet. So and probably realized that
[01:35:37] ever meet. So and probably realized that no one's looking at you. They're too
[01:35:39] no one's looking at you. They're too busy worrying about themselves. I wish
[01:35:40] busy worrying about themselves. I wish I'd sort of calmed down a bit and was
[01:35:43] I'd sort of calmed down a bit and was more confident. What's the symptoms of
[01:35:45] more confident. What's the symptoms of that inner lack of confidence?
[01:35:47] that inner lack of confidence? Um
[01:35:49] Um insecurity.
[01:35:51] insecurity. Like going away and like every, you
[01:35:53] Like going away and like every, you know, the first time I listen to this
[01:35:55] know, the first time I listen to this for instance, it'll be like, "Oh my god,
[01:35:56] for instance, it'll be like, "Oh my god, I was terrible. Look at me. Look at the
[01:35:58] I was terrible. Look at me. Look at the way I look. Look at Oh my god, why
[01:36:00] way I look. Look at Oh my god, why didn't I do something else with my
[01:36:01] didn't I do something else with my hands? What you know, like I'll go
[01:36:02] hands? What you know, like I'll go through it." Then then I'll go, "Don't
[01:36:03] through it." Then then I'll go, "Don't be silly." And then I'll listen to it
[01:36:05] be silly." And then I'll listen to it and then I'll have an okay opinion about
[01:36:07] and then I'll have an okay opinion about it, but yeah, there's still that little
[01:36:09] it, but yeah, there's still that little bit there. Any idea where that's come
[01:36:11] bit there. Any idea where that's come from? Yeah, parents.
[01:36:12] from? Yeah, parents. When you're left on your own and feel
[01:36:14] When you're left on your own and feel abandoned at the age of 15, it's not
[01:36:15] abandoned at the age of 15, it's not great, is it?
[01:36:17] great, is it? And then all these small things are
[01:36:20] And then all these small things are a potential abandonment. Uh maybe people
[01:36:23] a potential abandonment. Uh maybe people don't think I don't get on with me.
[01:36:24] don't think I don't get on with me. Maybe they don't.
[01:36:24] Maybe they don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[01:36:25] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
[01:36:26] Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. I'm confident of
[01:36:28] Yeah. It's funny. I'm confident of I'm confident of my abilities um
[01:36:31] I'm confident of my abilities um professionally.
[01:36:33] professionally. I'm confident that I'm intelligent. Um I
[01:36:36] I'm confident that I'm intelligent. Um I don't know. I suppose Yeah, you never
[01:36:37] don't know. I suppose Yeah, you never really I mean, I remember when I studied
[01:36:39] really I mean, I remember when I studied psychology and the and the guy just got
[01:36:40] psychology and the and the guy just got up there and said, he was a great
[01:36:42] up there and said, he was a great lecturer and he said it's all about your
[01:36:43] lecturer and he said it's all about your childhood. And we all just rolled our
[01:36:45] childhood. And we all just rolled our eyes and went, "Oh, for god's sake. It's
[01:36:47] eyes and went, "Oh, for god's sake. It's so like How ridiculous. It's not. It's
[01:36:49] so like How ridiculous. It's not. It's not." And it is. It really is. Like I'm
[01:36:52] not." And it is. It really is. Like I'm still that 15-year-old girl that stood
[01:36:54] still that 15-year-old girl that stood there terrified. You know, this she's
[01:36:56] there terrified. You know, this she's still there.
[01:36:58] still there. And um yeah, so it's interesting. But I
[01:37:01] And um yeah, so it's interesting. But I put on a good show.
[01:37:02] put on a good show. Like everybody.
[01:37:05] Like everybody. You certainly do put on a good show.
[01:37:07] You certainly do put on a good show. Thank you so much, Tracey. Um
[01:37:09] Thank you so much, Tracey. Um You've given me so much answered so many
[01:37:10] You've given me so much answered so many of my questions and I I know for for
[01:37:12] of my questions and I I know for for sure for sure people are going to tell
[01:37:13] sure for sure people are going to tell you. I'm sure they're going to message
[01:37:14] you. I'm sure they're going to message you, but for sure for sure I can say on
[01:37:16] you, but for sure for sure I can say on behalf of all of the people that have
[01:37:17] behalf of all of the people that have listened, you've helped them Oh, I hope
[01:37:19] listened, you've helped them Oh, I hope so.
[01:37:20] so. Thank you.
[01:37:20] Thank you. And I think everybody will take away
[01:37:22] And I think everybody will take away something different from that, which is
[01:37:23] something different from that, which is so incredible.
[01:37:24] so incredible. I'm going to do something I've never
[01:37:25] I'm going to do something I've never done before because I really want to
[01:37:26] done before because I really want to illustrate how I believe you've helped
[01:37:28] illustrate how I believe you've helped people. The previous guest that left you
[01:37:30] people. The previous guest that left you a question
[01:37:32] a question and you know, I don't usually tell
[01:37:33] and you know, I don't usually tell people this, is a guy called Robert
[01:37:34] people this, is a guy called Robert Waldinger and what he has committed his
[01:37:37] Waldinger and what he has committed his life to is something called the Harvard
[01:37:42] life to is something called the Harvard Study of Well-being. I'm going to call
[01:37:44] Study of Well-being. I'm going to call it that. I know I've got one one word
[01:37:45] it that. I know I've got one one word they're wrong. Right? Going to call it
[01:37:46] they're wrong. Right? Going to call it the Harvard Study of Well-being, which
[01:37:48] the Harvard Study of Well-being, which is the longest ever study done on a
[01:37:50] is the longest ever study done on a group of people to understand what makes
[01:37:52] group of people to understand what makes people fundamentally happy happy at the
[01:37:55] people fundamentally happy happy at the most basic level. So they followed
[01:37:56] most basic level. So they followed people for almost 90 years, the same
[01:37:57] people for almost 90 years, the same group of people. Even, you know, the
[01:37:59] group of people. Even, you know, the founders of the study have actually
[01:38:00] founders of the study have actually died. So they've passed the study on to
[01:38:02] died. So they've passed the study on to Robert. And at the very heart of what
[01:38:03] Robert. And at the very heart of what they found on the study, which ended up
[01:38:05] they found on the study, which ended up being a TED Talk, which has done 45
[01:38:06] being a TED Talk, which has done 45 million views. It's the most one of the
[01:38:08] million views. It's the most one of the most listened TED TED Talks of all time,
[01:38:10] most listened TED TED Talks of all time, is that the thing that makes us most
[01:38:12] is that the thing that makes us most happy in life
[01:38:13] happy in life and also healthiest in terms of an
[01:38:14] and also healthiest in terms of an insulation from stress is relationships.
[01:38:18] insulation from stress is relationships. It's number one. Men that have positive
[01:38:20] It's number one. Men that have positive romantic relationships um
[01:38:22] romantic relationships um live 14 years longer. Women 7 years
[01:38:24] live 14 years longer. Women 7 years longer. That's right.
[01:38:26] longer. That's right. And one of the things that ends ends
[01:38:27] And one of the things that ends ends great relationships and leads us to
[01:38:29] great relationships and leads us to isolation and loneliness is
[01:38:31] isolation and loneliness is sexual issues. Mhm. I see it in all of
[01:38:33] sexual issues. Mhm. I see it in all of my friends. And the work you're doing is
[01:38:35] my friends. And the work you're doing is therefore um
[01:38:37] therefore um in its very essence helping people to to
[01:38:39] in its very essence helping people to to solve the most important problem of all,
[01:38:41] solve the most important problem of all, which is connection, relationships. So
[01:38:43] which is connection, relationships. So it's incredible work to be doing and
[01:38:45] it's incredible work to be doing and it's work that not a lot of people will
[01:38:46] it's work that not a lot of people will want to do and confront because of the
[01:38:47] want to do and confront because of the stigmas and taboos that still remain. So
[01:38:50] stigmas and taboos that still remain. So thank you so much, Tracey. Thank you.
[01:38:52] thank you so much, Tracey. Thank you. Thank you for being so wonderful.
[01:38:53] Thank you for being so wonderful. compliment.
[01:38:54] compliment. You're captivating.
[01:38:55] You're captivating. No, you really are. You're really really
[01:38:56] No, you really are. You're really really captivating and you're super smart and
[01:38:58] captivating and you're super smart and you know your stuff and you've looked at
[01:38:59] you know your stuff and you've looked at all the research. Um you really are the
[01:39:01] all the research. Um you really are the the best at this. So thank you for being
[01:39:02] the best at this. So thank you for being here. Thank you for helping me. You
[01:39:03] here. Thank you for helping me. You have. Um and thank you for helping all
[01:39:05] have. Um and thank you for helping all of our wonderful listeners. Thank you.
[01:39:07] of our wonderful listeners. Thank you. I'm going to walk away very confident
[01:39:08] I'm going to walk away very confident now. Thank you.
[01:39:08] now. Thank you. Awesome. And you look amazing, by the
[01:39:09] Awesome. And you look amazing, by the way. Your dress is fantastic. Everything
[01:39:11] way. Your dress is fantastic. Everything about you is fantastic. So, yeah. Thank
[01:39:13] about you is fantastic. So, yeah. Thank you.
[01:39:16] You know, I never really usually pick
[01:39:18] You know, I never really usually pick the chocolate flavored Huel's. My
[01:39:20] the chocolate flavored Huel's. My favorite are the banana flavor, I love
[01:39:22] favorite are the banana flavor, I love the salted caramel flavor, but recently,
[01:39:25] the salted caramel flavor, but recently, I think I in part blame Jack in my team,
[01:39:28] I think I in part blame Jack in my team, who's obsessed with the chocolate flavor
[01:39:30] who's obsessed with the chocolate flavor Huel's, I've started drinking the
[01:39:31] Huel's, I've started drinking the chocolate flavor Huel's for the first
[01:39:32] chocolate flavor Huel's for the first time, and I absolutely love them. My
[01:39:34] time, and I absolutely love them. My life means that I sometimes disregard my
[01:39:37] life means that I sometimes disregard my diet, and it's funny, that's part of the
[01:39:38] diet, and it's funny, that's part of the reason why I've had a lot of guests on
[01:39:40] reason why I've had a lot of guests on this podcast recently that talk about
[01:39:41] this podcast recently that talk about diet and health and and those kinds of
[01:39:42] diet and health and and those kinds of things. Because I am trying to make an
[01:39:44] things. Because I am trying to make an active effort to be more healthy, to
[01:39:46] active effort to be more healthy, to lose a little bit of weight as well, but
[01:39:47] lose a little bit of weight as well, but to be more healthy. And the role that
[01:39:49] to be more healthy. And the role that Huel plays in my life is it means that
[01:39:51] Huel plays in my life is it means that in those moments where sometimes I might
[01:39:53] in those moments where sometimes I might reach for,
[01:39:55] reach for, you know,
[01:39:56] you know, junk foods,
[01:39:58] junk foods, having an option that is nutritionally
[01:39:59] having an option that is nutritionally complete, that is high in fiber, that is
[01:40:01] complete, that is high in fiber, that is incredibly high in protein, that has all
[01:40:03] incredibly high in protein, that has all the vitamins and minerals that my body
[01:40:04] the vitamins and minerals that my body needs, within arms reach, that I can
[01:40:06] needs, within arms reach, that I can consume on the go, is where Huel has
[01:40:08] consume on the go, is where Huel has been a game-changer for me. You got to
[01:40:10] been a game-changer for me. You got to the end of this podcast. Whenever
[01:40:11] the end of this podcast. Whenever someone gets to the end of this podcast,
[01:40:12] someone gets to the end of this podcast, I feel like I owe them a greater debt of
[01:40:14] I feel like I owe them a greater debt of gratitude, because that means you
[01:40:15] gratitude, because that means you listened to the whole thing. And
[01:40:17] listened to the whole thing. And hopefully that suggests that you enjoyed
[01:40:18] hopefully that suggests that you enjoyed it. If you are at the end, and you
[01:40:20] it. If you are at the end, and you enjoyed this podcast, could you do me a
[01:40:22] enjoyed this podcast, could you do me a little bit of a favor and hit that
[01:40:24] little bit of a favor and hit that subscribe button? That's one of the
[01:40:26] subscribe button? That's one of the clearest indicators we have that this
[01:40:27] clearest indicators we have that this episode was a good episode, and we look
[01:40:29] episode was a good episode, and we look at that on all of the episodes to see
[01:40:30] at that on all of the episodes to see which episodes generated the most
[01:40:32] which episodes generated the most subscribers.
[01:40:33] subscribers. Thank you so much, and I'll see you
[01:40:34] Thank you so much, and I'll see you again next time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ait0WaCNCw

Summary

TL;DR — Sex expert Tracey Cox discusses the decline in sexual activity and offers advice on improving intimacy, emphasizing communication and understanding individual needs. She highlights that great sex requires effort and isn't just about intercourse, advocating for open conversations and personalized approaches to pleasure.

Key points

• Many couples experience a "sex recession" where intimacy declines, often due to a lack of novelty and understanding of female sexual response.

• "Otherness" is crucial for long-term desire; couples need separateness and individual identities to maintain attraction.

• Communication is paramount; tactful discussions about sexual needs and preferences are essential for a healthy sex life.

• Women's orgasms are more complex, and penetrative sex alone is insufficient for most; clitoral stimulation and varied approaches are key.

• Maintaining desire involves effort, including physical and intellectual attractiveness, and actively creating interesting sexual experiences.

• Addressing sexual issues requires open dialogue, education, and a willingness to explore solutions beyond traditional intercourse.

Takeaway — Great sex is an ongoing effort that requires open communication, understanding individual needs, and a willingness to explore and adapt to keep intimacy alive and fulfilling.