# Your Guide to Better Romance, Sex, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qi45Jl46Py8

[00:02] We tend to think of sex [music] as something that's just a treat, right?
[00:05] If you even look at the language that we use around it, it's you get lucky or,
[00:10] you know, save room for dessert. And, you know, the reality is that sex [music] is something that needs to be prioritized.
[00:16] We understand the effects of exercise or the benefits of nutrition, but most of us don't really have an awareness
[00:25] of the basic benefits of sex. Today, you're getting the guide to better sex, intimacy, and love from the number one sex professor in the world.
[00:37] Dr. McNichols is a professor at the University of Washington who teaches the single most popular course, and today,
[00:45] you're getting a front row seat in her class. What is one adult sex ed fact about women's pleasure?
[00:55] Only 18% of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone.
[00:59] Only 18%? Let that sink in. 18?
[01:02] Let that sink in.
[01:02] 18? percent.
[01:02] And it leads to a huge epidemic percent.
[01:05] And it leads to a huge epidemic of people faking orgasms, especially of people faking orgasms, especially women faking orgasms.
[01:11] Over 50% of women say they have faked an orgasm.
[01:13] at some point.
[01:15] What is the average size of a penis?
[01:17] It is about the most popular sexual fantasy in America is I'm going to give you a road map to having amazing, incredible sex.
[01:29] Hey it's Mel, and before we get into this episode, my team was showing me 57% of you who watch the Mel Robbins podcast here on YouTube are not subscribed yet.
[01:42] Could you do me a quick favor?
[01:43] Just hit subscribe so that you don't miss any of the episodes that we post here on YouTube.
[01:46] It lets me know you're enjoying the guests and the content that we're bringing you because I want to make sure you don't miss a thing, and I'm so glad you're here for this episode cuz this is a really good one.
[01:57] All right, let's dive in.
[01:58] Dr. Nicole McNichols, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
[02:02] Robbins podcast.
[02:02] Thank you, Mel.
[02:03] I'm so excited to be here.
[02:05] I'm really excited that you're here, too, because I know I personally would like to be having better sex, and
[02:09] I'm sure as you're listening, you would like to be having better sex.
[02:13] And so let's start with this.
[02:14] Dr. McNichols, what could change about my life Yeah.
[02:16] if I take everything to heart that you're about to share with us today and I apply it to my life?
[02:21] Mel, if you take all of my advice today to heart, I am going to give you a roadmap to having amazing, incredible sex.
[02:24] And it's not going to be the kind of sex that you see in porn or the kind of sex that you see on shows on TV or that makes you feel like, "Oh my god, that's just an unattainable goal."
[02:25] It's going to be the kind of sex that feels not only pleasurable, but authentically connected to who you are as a person.
[02:27] And I just want to tell anyone who's listening to this podcast, this podcast episode is for you if you're in a
[03:04] episode is for you if you're in a 20-year marriage, if you are finding
[03:06] 20-year marriage, if you are finding your way back to each other, but don't
[03:08] your way back to each other, but don't quite know how, if you are newly single
[03:11] quite know how, if you are newly single and trying to figure out what sex and
[03:13] and trying to figure out what sex and dating are like now that you're in this
[03:15] dating are like now that you're in this new phase of your life, if you are
[03:18] new phase of your life, if you are having okay sex, but you just have this
[03:21] having okay sex, but you just have this sense that it could be a bit better.
[03:23] I want to really be able to speak to all
[03:25] of those people and tell them that I can
[03:28] give you the science-backed tools and
[03:31] roadmap toward cultivating a truly
[03:34] pleasurable sex life. Wow.
[03:37] Is that also true if I'm tired?
[03:40] Yes.
[03:40] [laughter]
[03:43] Or I feel self-conscious about my body
[03:45] or I haven't been with somebody in a
[03:48] number of years, you know. It is it
[03:50] truly is, and there this is actually
[03:53] such an incredibly burgeoning area of
[03:56] research because it's become so clear
[03:58] just how exhausted people are. How
[04:01] exhausted women especially are. You have so much going on in your life between a
[04:04] So much going on in your life between a career, your family, the two dogs, you.
[04:07] Career, your family, the two dogs, you know, the the people who are all depending on you.
[04:09] And you know, I think and this is a message especially for women, we're so socialized to be taking care of other people and to be attending to other people's needs.
[04:16] And I'm telling you that this is about reclaiming something that you really deserve and that is within your reach.
[04:27] A great sex life is not something that is just reserved for people who are in new relationships or have a certain sexual chemistry that's determined from the very start or that are single and have actually real time to give to it.
[04:42] There really are some basic simple habits that we can talk about that will change your state of mind and allow you to achieve the type of sex life that you want that you just may not know how to get to yet.
[04:58] It's so interesting that we're starting here because you're right, when you are in a new relationship.
[05:02] Yeah.
[05:04] And the chemistry is dazzling.
[05:04] Right.
[05:06] and the chemistry is dazzling.
[05:06] Right.
[05:06] Sex is easy and it amplifies everything.
[05:10] Sex is easy and it amplifies everything and I'll just speak for myself.
[05:11] and I'll just speak for myself personally being married for 30 years.
[05:13] personally being married for 30 years.
[05:13] Mhm.
[05:13] It really does I I hate to use this word Yes.
[05:17] but it starts to feel almost like a burden and you forget.
[05:19] like a burden and you forget what.
[05:22] what an amazing intimate sexual experience.
[05:24] an amazing intimate sexual experience can bring into your life.
[05:27] can bring into your life.
[05:31] What does cultivating a great sex life for yourself add to your life personally that maybe we lose sight of?
[05:33] cultivating a great sex life for yourself add to.
[05:37] your life personally that maybe we lose.
[05:39] sight of?
[05:40] Well, I'm so glad you brought that up because we tend to think of sex as something that's just a treat, right?
[05:42] because we tend to think of sex as.
[05:45] something that's just a treat, right?
[05:47] If you even look at the language that we use around it, it's you get lucky or,
[05:48] use around it, it's you get lucky or,
[05:51] you know, save room for dessert. And,
[05:54] you know, the reality is that sex is something that needs to be prioritized.
[05:56] you know, the reality is that sex is.
[05:59] something that needs to be prioritized.
[06:02] We understand the effects of exercise or the benefits of nutrition, but most of us don't really have an awareness of the
[06:05] the benefits of nutrition, but most of.
[06:07] us don't really have an awareness of the basic benefits of sex.
[06:10] For example, we know that sex when it's, you know, satisfying and consensual and connected, it leads to increased physical health, right?
[06:21] It leads to increased cardiovascular health.
[06:24] It protects the brain against degenerative diseases.
[06:26] There are even some studies that it predicts longevity.
[06:31] So, sex is something that truly is important, but even more than that, it builds ego resilience.
[06:38] And what I mean by that is when you prioritize pleasure, when it becomes something that you spend time cultivating in your life, you experience this upward cycle where you gain this ego resilience.
[06:55] It fills your bucket, so to speak.
[06:57] It causes you to have a broadening effect.
[06:59] You turn outwards.
[07:02] You seek more sources of social support.
[07:04] It allows you to think more creatively, even at a basic cognitive level.
[07:07] The data shows that when we experience
[07:08] Data shows that when we experience pleasure, we're able to think more creatively and abstractly.
[07:14] And so, we tend to think that pleasure is superfluous, but the reality is we need pleasure in our lives to be able to even just accomplish all of these things that we want to, to live the lives that we want to live.
[07:30] And beyond that, at a more concrete level, if we're looking at relationships specifically, we also have long-term studies looking at couples.
[07:40] And what we find is that, yes, you know, as most people know, sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are highly correlated, but it's not the case that just improving your relationship or having high levels of relationship satisfaction are going to naturally lead to a better sex life.
[07:57] What we know is that when people's sex lives improve, when they experience an uptick in sexual satisfaction later on, they experience more relationship
[08:09] they experience more relationship satisfaction.
[08:12] In other words, working on your sex life will improve your relationship in an important, very authentic, powerful way that really deserves attention.
[08:23] What I love about this conversation already, I can't wait to trap my husband in a car.
[08:29] Be like, "Hey, let's listen to the Mel Robbins podcast." And put this on.
[08:35] Because I think this conversation, listening to it with the person that you are in a relationship with, if you are in a relationship right now, could really open some things up.
[08:45] So, I just want to give a couple takeaways that I've gotten so far just at the very beginning.
[08:50] Number one, it is transformative just to switch your mindset from thinking about sex as a I should, I need to, I have to, to just it being a conversation about pleasure and allowing pleasure in your life and prioritizing pleasure in your life.
[09:09] Exactly, 100%.
[09:09] The second takeaway that I got already
[09:12] The second takeaway that I got already is you talked all about What was it?
[09:14] is you talked all about What was it called?
[09:15] called? Ego something?
[09:15] Ego resilience.
[09:16] Ego resilience.
[09:16] Ego resilience.
[09:19] And what does that mean exactly?
[09:21] It's It's essentially an academic term for what we think of as resiliency,
[09:24] meaning you're going to be faced with life's inevitable challenges.
[09:26] There's going to be problems that are thrown your way,
[09:28] but what we don't realize is that pleasure actually fuels you to be able to meet those head on.
[09:30] When we're given sources of pleasure,
[09:32] it's those negative challenges can be right there, but we're just more creative and more likely to find the people and the ideas that are going to help us to solve those very problems.
[09:34] So, sex is important, yes, for your health, for your well-being, for your relationship, but it's also going to play a transformative part in your life that is not superfluous, but is actually absolutely essential to your well-being.
[09:37] I've never actually looked at sex this
[10:13] I've never actually looked at sex this way.
[10:14] way.
[10:17] Like I'm having this huge aha moment about the role that pleasure plays in your life.
[10:21] Because if you really just stop and consider what Dr. McNichols is saying.
[10:25] If your whole life is one giant to-do list, if it's work, if it's taking care of other people, you start to feel like that's your only value.
[10:32] Exactly.
[10:35] When you create intentionally the space to allow yourself to feel pleasure, that you deserve that as part of your life, it makes you feel like a whole person, and it also almost feels like this little space where you get to be you, and you get to experience something other than all of the demands of your life.
[10:55] Yes, exactly.
[10:57] And I'm here to tell you that all of us deserve that.
[11:00] Wow.
[11:03] And then the final takeaway that I had, and I'd never really seen this before, is the connection between allowing pleasure into your life, creating the
[11:14] pleasure into your life, creating the space for it, being intentional about it.
[11:16] space for it, being intentional about it, and how that must boost your sense of self-worth.
[11:19] it, and how that must boost your sense of self-worth.
[11:21] I think all people recognize that this is an area of their lives that they would like to improve,
[11:23] recognize that this is an area of their lives that they would like to improve,
[11:25] but that if you're able to do the work of figuring out what turns you on, prioritizing pleasure, figuring out how to communicate that to a partner, how to keep, you know, some elements of novelty alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:28] but that if you're able to do the work of figuring out what turns you on, prioritizing pleasure, figuring out how to communicate that to a partner, how to keep, you know, some elements of novelty alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:30] of figuring out what turns you on, prioritizing pleasure, figuring out how to communicate that to a partner, how to keep, you know, some elements of novelty alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:33] prioritizing pleasure, figuring out how to communicate that to a partner, how to keep, you know, some elements of novelty alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:37] to communicate that to a partner, how to keep, you know, some elements of novelty alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:39] keep, you know, some elements of novelty alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:42] alive while still not becoming a whole different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:45] different person, that that very skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:47] skillset that is going to enable you to have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:50] have an incredible satisfying sex life, that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:52] that's going to translate into other areas of your life.
[11:55] areas of your life. I mean, really, when you're prioritizing sexual intimacy, you're prioritizing yourself and you're developing skills that are going to help you in just about every other area.
[11:58] you're prioritizing sexual intimacy, you're prioritizing yourself and you're developing skills that are going to help you in just about every other area.
[12:00] you're prioritizing yourself and you're developing skills that are going to help you in just about every other area.
[12:02] developing skills that are going to help you in just about every other area.
[12:05] you in just about every other area.
[12:08] Um, I want to read to you from your best-selling book, You Could Be Having Better Sex.
[12:11] best-selling book, You Could Be Having Better Sex.
[12:14] Better Sex.
[12:14] This is on page 18.
[12:15] Here's the reality of sex and pleasure that most people try to deny.
[12:18] We are not born knowing which sensations and which types of sexual activities we will one day enjoy.
[12:24] Just as we're not born knowing which food we'll like and what kinds of entertainment we'll prefer.
[12:29] We learn about our sexual likes and dislikes the same way we learn about what pleases us in other areas of life through experimentation.
[12:42] And then you go on to say, you may love certain techniques and sexual positions when you're younger and different ones as you age.
[12:51] Turn-ons and pleasure zones evolve throughout your lifetime.
[12:54] So, what is the invitation in terms of how you want us to listen to everything that you're about to teach us?
[13:02] The reality is that yeah, we're born thinking that, okay, we should, you know, just all be really good at sex, that we should just know instantly what turns each other on, but the reality,
[13:16] turns each other on, but the reality, and this may not sound sexy,
[13:19] and this may not sound sexy,
[13:19] [laughter]
[13:20] is that sex is a skill, right?
[13:23] And it's it's like [snorts] any other skill that we have in our life, right?
[13:25] Trial and error, making mistakes.
[13:27] You know, I mean, this is why if you want to improve your sex life, and I think that for many women who are feeling like there's nothing that you can do to change it,
[13:30] that sex is just kind of the way it is, that married sex never changes,
[13:32] there's so much research coming out now showing the power of a sexual growth mindset.
[13:34] And what that is is the ability to lean into this idea that you need to try different things, that there needs to be communication, that it's okay if you try something that just simply epically fails and you learn to just laugh at it, right?
[13:36] And so, when I talk about this idea with people and, you know, especially my students, you know, they're they're quick to be like, "Well, wait a minute.
[13:38] What about that guy that
[14:16] Wait a minute.
[14:16] What about that guy that I met when I was back in spring break?
[14:19] I met when I was back in spring break, Eduardo?
[14:20] And, you know, he did that thing with his tongue like he he really instantly knew what he was doing.
[14:24] I'm not saying now that sexually unicorns don't exist, right?
[14:28] Everybody wants now Eduardo's tongue.
[14:31] Right. Still.
[14:33] Hot, you know.
[14:33] And I'm telling you.
[14:35] Like, what was Eduardo doing with his tongue on spring break?
[14:39] to get there.
[14:42] Yeah. But I'm telling you we can teach each other to have Eduardo's tongue.
[14:46] It just is trial and error.
[14:46] It is accessible.
[14:46] I want to give you Eduardo's tongue, and I know that I can do that.
[14:55] How do you start to live with a sexual growth mindset?
[14:58] You start to lean into this idea of experimentation and failure, and learning to communicate through that, right?
[15:06] And so, when we look at couples, for example, and we ask them about, you know, "Well, what what do you believe about sex?
[15:13] What are your attitudes?"
[15:14] People who have a sexual growth mindset,
[15:17] People who have a sexual growth mindset, they say, "I do believe that sex over
[15:20] they say, "I do believe that sex over time can change, that it can improve,
[15:22] time can change, that it can improve, That if I communicate with my partner
[15:24] That if I communicate with my partner and we learn about what turns us on and
[15:28] and we learn about what turns us on and if we engage in things like
[15:29] if we engage in things like masturbation, which gets completely
[15:31] masturbation, which gets completely shamed in our culture, but is a totally
[15:33] shamed in our culture, but is a totally necessary tool to understand your body,
[15:36] necessary tool to understand your body, you can learn and you can bring those
[15:39] you can learn and you can bring those conversations, no matter how awkward or
[15:42] conversations, no matter how awkward or scary they may seem, to your partner and
[15:46] scary they may seem, to your partner and your sex life can improve. And it won't
[15:48] your sex life can improve. And it won't improve overnight and it may take some
[15:50] improve overnight and it may take some time and there will be things that, you
[15:53] time and there will be things that, you know, I don't know. Actually, honey,
[15:54] know, I don't know. Actually, honey, that wasn't quite it where does tongue,
[15:56] that wasn't quite it where does tongue, but let's try this instead.
[15:58] but let's try this instead.
[16:00] >> [laughter]
[16:00] But you can get there. You know, whereas
[16:02] But you can get there. You know, whereas people with sexual destiny beliefs,
[16:04] people with sexual destiny beliefs, which are the opposite of sexual growth
[16:06] which are the opposite of sexual growth beliefs, they tend to think sex is what
[16:09] beliefs, they tend to think sex is what it is, right? Married sex just kind of
[16:11] it is, right? Married sex just kind of never changes. A person has a certain
[16:12] never changes. A person has a certain level of skill.
[16:14] level of skill. It never gets better. And those are the
[16:16] It never gets better. And those are the people that really start to struggle.
[16:18] People that really start to struggle.
[16:21] And it really is that mindset that is just way more predictive of sexual satisfaction than any kind of innate skill set that we think that we're simply born with.
[16:28] Well, I love that because then the first step is just literally adjusting your mindset to say we can make this better.
[16:37] We can learn how to have more pleasure together.
[16:39] We can experiment and have fun.
[16:41] You know, for the person who's listening who really just wants more sex or better sex, what is the biggest misconception that is keeping them stuck from having more or better sex?
[16:56] I think in the context of relationships, it's that an amazing sexual experience begins with feeling wildly turned on and excited the minute your partner walks in the door.
[17:11] But for the vast majority of us, you know, especially women who are in long-term relationships and who have a lot of things on their plate, desire
[17:20] a lot of things on their plate, desire might be something that kicks in only
[17:23] might be something that kicks in only after you've started touching your partner.
[17:26] Sometimes we need to get out there and actually be trying in action,
[17:29] and then we realize, "Oh, this is actually really fun.
[17:33] This feels really good.
[17:35] My mind and my body do want this."
[17:37] And so in learning tools to sort of allow yourself to get into the mindset where
[17:42] you can be physically intimate with your partner and be touching your partner and be connected to your partner,
[17:43] I think people don't realize that sex can be incredible even when it comes from that place.
[17:46] And if you think of >> of like, I don't really feel like it,
[17:50] but I know I want better sex, so I'm going to reach over and touch you even though I'm not turned on.
[17:53] I think a lot of times, okay, this is probably about to turn into my own personal like sex therapy session, but you know, like a lot of times there is that ambivalence
[18:21] lot of times there is that ambivalence that you feel, that you want to be that you feel, that you want to be closer, but maybe you don't want to have any course.
[18:26] Do you see what I mean?
[18:29] Because I'm in that mode where I'm not really I'm I'm I'm tired.
[18:32] Yes.
[18:33] [laughter]
[18:36] But I love you, and I'm trying to signal that I want to kiss and like hold you for a little bit, but I don't really want to have to do all the others.
[18:41] You You know You know what I'm saying?
[18:41] I don't I don't I don't know if this is common.
[18:43] Is that a common concern?
[18:45] That you like do you hear that?
[18:47] Oh, absolutely.
[18:50] That I I think that really the key there is building habits of being able to touch your partner in non-sexual ways on a regular basis, right?
[18:59] You Your phone should not be the last thing that you touch at night before you go to bed and put it down, right?
[19:05] There should be some kind of cuddling.
[19:07] It's just that physical touch and connection, but I think what happens is that if you don't have that regularly in your life,
[19:16] Oh. then every time your partner goes to touch you, you're going to kind of feel like, "Oh god, no way. I don't want to
[19:23] like, "Oh god, no way. I don't want to I don't have the energy for this.
[19:24] I don't have the energy for this tonight."
[19:26] Right? You almost feel yourself recoil.
[19:28] And that can be a horrible feeling because you know you love your partner, you know you're connected, you know you're attracted to them,
[19:33] and they're touching you and suddenly you feel like, "Oh god, this feels like there's an obligation if I engage in this."
[19:42] And so, I think we need to normalize cuddling each other, right?
[19:47] Even if it's just hugging, right?
[19:50] If you just simply hug your partner for 90 seconds a day, it's going to build relationship satisfaction and it's going to lead to you naturally experiencing more desire.
[19:59] Well, that's a great specific thing to do.
[20:01] If you're the person that wants to be having better sex, but you're in that mode where you don't want the touch to signal like, "It's on."
[20:11] Yes. The takeaway here is just start more non-sexual touch.
[20:15] More like looking at the person in the eyes, holding their hands while you're sitting on the couch.
[20:20] That kind of intimacy builds the bridge
[20:26] That kind of intimacy builds the bridge >> Yes. that then helps you step toward the
[20:29] >> Yes. that then helps you step toward the actual kind of growth mindset around sex
[20:33] actual kind of growth mindset around sex when you hit the bedroom.
[20:34] when you hit the bedroom. >> Yes, exactly. Exactly.
[20:36] >> Yes, exactly. Exactly. But the other thing that I think is
[20:38] But the other thing that I think is really important for people, and
[20:39] really important for people, and especially women to know, is normalize
[20:42] especially women to know, is normalize giving yourself the space and having
[20:45] giving yourself the space and having patience for yourself to know, "I might
[20:48] patience for yourself to know, "I might not be wildly turned on right now, but
[20:52] not be wildly turned on right now, but why don't we try cuddling? Or why don't
[20:54] why don't we try cuddling? Or why don't we try even just being next to each
[20:56] we try even just being next to each other, having the sides of our bodies
[20:58] other, having the sides of our bodies touch while we're reading our books or,
[21:00] touch while we're reading our books or, you know, watch whatever it is that
[21:01] you know, watch whatever it is that we're doing." If you start doing that,
[21:04] we're doing." If you start doing that, and this is backed by
[21:07] and this is backed by years, decades of research. A lot of
[21:09] years, decades of research. A lot of times you will find your body starting
[21:12] times you will find your body starting to turn on, right? You get close to your
[21:14] to turn on, right? You get close to your partner and you start to think, "Oh,
[21:17] partner and you start to think, "Oh, this. I want this. This feels good." And
[21:21] this. I want this. This feels good." And then one things leads to another and you
[21:23] then one things leads to another and you are having incredible sex. We need to
[21:26] are having incredible sex. We need to give ourselves permission
[21:28] give ourselves permission to explore the possibility of intimacy
[21:33] to explore the possibility of intimacy on certain evenings where we're not
[21:35] on certain evenings where we're not quite positive if it's what we're really
[21:38] quite positive if it's what we're really aiming for that night, right? Give our
[21:40] aiming for that night, right? Give our bodies time to turn on.
[21:42] bodies time to turn on. >> Is there research around how long it
[21:44] >> Is there research around how long it takes,
[21:46] takes, you know, the average person or the
[21:48] you know, the average person or the average woman like to turn on, so to
[21:50] average woman like to turn on, so to speak? I mean, one of the most common
[21:52] speak? I mean, one of the most common refrains is, "I need more foreplay."
[21:55] refrains is, "I need more foreplay." >> [laughter]
[21:56] >> [laughter] >> Right? And so, yes, you know,
[21:59] >> Right? And so, yes, you know, and that revolves around this idea that
[22:02] and that revolves around this idea that we tend to treat sex according this
[22:04] we tend to treat sex according this very, I don't know what to describe
[22:07] very, I don't know what to describe where you start kissing, you start
[22:08] where you start kissing, you start touching, maybe there's a little bit of
[22:10] touching, maybe there's a little bit of oral, you go to penetration, he has an
[22:13] oral, you go to penetration, he has an orgasm and it's over, right? Very sad
[22:15] orgasm and it's over, right? Very sad script.
[22:17] script. Right?
[22:18] Right? >> [laughter]
[22:20] >> Right? And we need to we need to throw
[22:22] >> Right? And we need to we need to throw that out, right? This is one of the
[22:24] that out, right? This is one of the reasons that we find a huge orgasm gap
[22:28] reasons that we find a huge orgasm gap is that we rely so heavily on, you know,
[22:32] is that we rely so heavily on, you know, that idea of penetrative sex being put
[22:35] that idea of penetrative sex being put on a pedestal. Um it's also why when we
[22:38] on a pedestal. Um it's also why when we look at queer couples, they tend to have
[22:41] look at queer couples, they tend to have more equal and higher levels of orgasm
[22:44] more equal and higher levels of orgasm rate because they're not just starting
[22:46] rate because they're not just starting from the position of, "Oh, you know, sex
[22:48] from the position of, "Oh, you know, sex equals penetration and then he comes and
[22:50] equals penetration and then he comes and it's over."
[22:52] it's over." But if we're regularly setting, you
[22:54] But if we're regularly setting, you know, apart time with our partner to
[22:58] know, apart time with our partner to allow us to transition mentally and calm
[23:03] allow us to transition mentally and calm our nervous systems, right? Allow our
[23:05] our nervous systems, right? Allow our nervous systems to sync up, connect with
[23:08] nervous systems to sync up, connect with each other, not just about our days, but
[23:11] each other, not just about our days, but about larger things happening in our
[23:13] about larger things happening in our lives that we're excited or anxious or
[23:16] lives that we're excited or anxious or worried about and really feeling seen
[23:19] worried about and really feeling seen and heard in that moment if we're
[23:22] and heard in that moment if we're setting again this time for intimacy,
[23:25] setting again this time for intimacy, that's going to lead to much better and
[23:28] that's going to lead to much better and more frequent sex. Yeah.
[23:31] more frequent sex. Yeah. >> it makes sense. What what is one adult
[23:34] >> it makes sense. What what is one adult sex ed fact, Dr. McNichols, about
[23:37] sex ed fact, Dr. McNichols, about women's pleasure?
[23:38] women's pleasure? That most people were never taught, but
[23:40] That most people were never taught, but can like change your sex life
[23:42] can like change your sex life immediately. The reality that most
[23:44] immediately. The reality that most people are not taught is that only 18%
[23:49] people are not taught is that only 18% of women can have an orgasm from
[23:51] of women can have an orgasm from penetrative sex alone.
[23:53] penetrative sex alone. >> Only 18%?
[23:55] >> Only 18%? >> sink in. 18%!
[23:59] >> sink in. 18%! The rest need some kind of clitoral
[24:02] The rest need some kind of clitoral stimulation, either in conjunction while
[24:04] stimulation, either in conjunction while you're having penetrative sex
[24:06] you're having penetrative sex or on its own. So,
[24:09] or on its own. So, when I teach this and show this data in
[24:13] when I teach this and show this data in my class,
[24:14] my class, I have so many people on the edge of
[24:17] I have so many people on the edge of their seats, right? Women feeling
[24:19] their seats, right? Women feeling normalized, right? My female students
[24:21] normalized, right? My female students feeling like, "God, I thought I was
[24:23] feeling like, "God, I thought I was broken that I couldn't have, you know,
[24:26] broken that I couldn't have, you know, sex just from normal, you know, as we
[24:29] sex just from normal, you know, as we call it in the literature, penis and
[24:31] call it in the literature, penis and vagina sex.
[24:32] vagina sex. Um and also men who feel like, "Oh my
[24:35] Um and also men who feel like, "Oh my god,
[24:37] god, this explains it. I thought it was a
[24:39] this explains it. I thought it was a failure on my part that I wasn't, you
[24:41] failure on my part that I wasn't, you know, doing sex right, right? That I was
[24:44] know, doing sex right, right? That I was failing."
[24:45] failing." You know, [snorts] but unfortunately, we
[24:46] You know, [snorts] but unfortunately, we don't teach people that and it leads to
[24:49] don't teach people that and it leads to a huge epidemic of people faking
[24:51] a huge epidemic of people faking orgasms, especially women faking
[24:53] orgasms, especially women faking orgasms,
[24:55] orgasms, which does not lead to anyone's pleasure
[24:56] which does not lead to anyone's pleasure at all. Is it true I I read in your book
[24:59] at all. Is it true I I read in your book that the human clitoris was only mapped
[25:03] that the human clitoris was only mapped out in 2015? That's just a decade ago.
[25:07] out in 2015? That's just a decade ago. >> It was It was actually 2005,
[25:10] >> It was It was actually 2005, but it took about 10 years for it to
[25:12] but it took about 10 years for it to come into mainstream literature. Isn't
[25:16] come into mainstream literature. Isn't that wild, Mel? I mean, if you think
[25:18] that wild, Mel? I mean, if you think about it, right? I mean, and the reason
[25:20] about it, right? I mean, and the reason why, of course, is that the clitoris is
[25:23] why, of course, is that the clitoris is only purpose is sexual pleasure. It
[25:27] only purpose is sexual pleasure. It plays zero role in reproduction. And so,
[25:31] plays zero role in reproduction. And so, historically, you know, because female
[25:33] historically, you know, because female sexual pleasure has been placed in this
[25:35] sexual pleasure has been placed in this framework of not important, right? If
[25:38] framework of not important, right? If anything, threatening,
[25:40] anything, threatening, it was just ignored. It was viewed as
[25:42] it was just ignored. It was viewed as inconsequential.
[25:44] inconsequential. But, luckily, in 2005, a very famous
[25:48] But, luckily, in 2005, a very famous scientist, Dr. Helen O'Connell, through
[25:50] scientist, Dr. Helen O'Connell, through MRI studies was able to map its full
[25:54] MRI studies was able to map its full structure, and it completely turned on
[25:56] structure, and it completely turned on its head everything we know about female
[25:59] its head everything we know about female pleasure and everything we know about
[26:01] pleasure and everything we know about female anatomy. Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's
[26:05] female anatomy. Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's shocking, but not. Dr. McNichols, in all
[26:08] shocking, but not. Dr. McNichols, in all of your research and your teaching and
[26:10] of your research and your teaching and writing your best-selling book, you have
[26:12] writing your best-selling book, you have identified that there are myths that
[26:14] identified that there are myths that people believe about sex that keep you
[26:16] people believe about sex that keep you alone every night. I want to go through
[26:18] alone every night. I want to go through them. Myth number one, Dr. McNichols, is
[26:21] them. Myth number one, Dr. McNichols, is believing that your genitals are
[26:24] believing that your genitals are supposed to look a certain way and that
[26:26] supposed to look a certain way and that there's a normal way for them to look.
[26:28] there's a normal way for them to look. Exactly. That is a huge myth that causes
[26:31] Exactly. That is a huge myth that causes so much insecurity, right? People think
[26:34] so much insecurity, right? People think that their labia are supposed to have a
[26:36] that their labia are supposed to have a certain perfect ratio of the outer labia
[26:39] certain perfect ratio of the outer labia and the inner labia, which usually hang
[26:43] and the inner labia, which usually hang a little bit below or come peak outside
[26:45] a little bit below or come peak outside the outer labia. So, vulvas come in all
[26:48] the outer labia. So, vulvas come in all beautiful shapes and sizes. But, penises
[26:52] beautiful shapes and sizes. But, penises also come in all different lengths and
[26:55] also come in all different lengths and widths. What is the average size of a
[26:57] widths. What is the average size of a penis? It is about 5 and 1/2 in inches.
[27:01] penis? It is about 5 and 1/2 in inches. Erect? Erect, yes, exactly. Which is not
[27:04] Erect? Erect, yes, exactly. Which is not nearly as big as what we're used to
[27:06] nearly as big as what we're used to seeing in porn or on the internet.
[27:10] seeing in porn or on the internet. >> So, for somebody who's listening that
[27:11] >> So, for somebody who's listening that has for their entire lifetime Yes.
[27:14] has for their entire lifetime Yes. >> shamed themselves because they believe
[27:16] >> shamed themselves because they believe they are too small. Right.
[27:18] they are too small. Right. >> Dr. McNichols, what do you want them to
[27:20] >> Dr. McNichols, what do you want them to know?
[27:21] know? I want you to know that the size of your
[27:24] I want you to know that the size of your penis does not matter at all in terms of
[27:28] penis does not matter at all in terms of how it's ability to pleasure another
[27:31] how it's ability to pleasure another person, that you are experie- capable of
[27:34] person, that you are experie- capable of experiencing just as much pleasure as
[27:36] experiencing just as much pleasure as any other person with a penis, and that
[27:39] any other person with a penis, and that it is not a measure of your manhood in
[27:44] it is not a measure of your manhood in any kind of way or form. You don't need
[27:47] any kind of way or form. You don't need an enormous, ridiculously huge penis to
[27:51] an enormous, ridiculously huge penis to be having great sex. If you do, great.
[27:55] be having great sex. If you do, great. Congratulations. High five. That's
[27:58] Congratulations. High five. That's awesome. But, it is not a prerequisite
[28:01] awesome. But, it is not a prerequisite to incredible orgasms in sex. You know,
[28:03] to incredible orgasms in sex. You know, another myth, Dr. McNichols, that people
[28:05] another myth, Dr. McNichols, that people believe is that if you don't orgasm fast
[28:08] believe is that if you don't orgasm fast or you take too long
[28:10] or you take too long that there's something wrong with you.
[28:13] that there's something wrong with you. Yes. And so, this is particularly true,
[28:16] Yes. And so, this is particularly true, I think, among women. First of all,
[28:19] I think, among women. First of all, if you're looking at, you know, a sexual
[28:21] if you're looking at, you know, a sexual experience, on average, a woman has an
[28:25] experience, on average, a woman has an orgasm about 10 to 15 minutes in, right?
[28:28] orgasm about 10 to 15 minutes in, right? For a male, it's 5 minutes within the
[28:33] For a male, it's 5 minutes within the beginning of penetration, right? Or the
[28:35] beginning of penetration, right? Or the beginning of stimulation.
[28:37] beginning of stimulation. So, most women, right? In the context of
[28:40] So, most women, right? In the context of partnered sex, at least in the context
[28:42] partnered sex, at least in the context of of straight sex, if they're having
[28:45] of of straight sex, if they're having any kind of an orgasm from penetrative
[28:46] any kind of an orgasm from penetrative sex, is having a lot later in than it is
[28:49] sex, is having a lot later in than it is for men. That is normal.
[28:51] for men. That is normal. Just because it takes a little bit
[28:53] Just because it takes a little bit longer does not mean at all that it is
[28:57] longer does not mean at all that it is less intense or less pleasurable, right?
[29:00] less intense or less pleasurable, right? We tend to be so incredibly focused on
[29:04] We tend to be so incredibly focused on numbers, right? If you even look at the
[29:06] numbers, right? If you even look at the language around sex, achieving orgasms,
[29:09] language around sex, achieving orgasms, right? Finishing, right? We're We're so
[29:12] right? Finishing, right? We're We're so numbers and goal-oriented. It's okay if
[29:16] numbers and goal-oriented. It's okay if it takes a little bit longer. In fact,
[29:18] it takes a little bit longer. In fact, that's better, right? It means that it's
[29:20] that's better, right? It means that it's more exploratory, that right? It's a
[29:22] more exploratory, that right? It's a longer experience. But the other thing
[29:26] longer experience. But the other thing is just coming back to the importance of
[29:29] is just coming back to the importance of the clitoris.
[29:30] the clitoris. Although we find that women in having
[29:33] Although we find that women in having partnered sex, right? With in the
[29:35] partnered sex, right? With in the context of straight sex, will have, you
[29:38] context of straight sex, will have, you know, an orgasm later in than men, when
[29:41] know, an orgasm later in than men, when you look at the speed with which an
[29:43] you look at the speed with which an orgasm occurs for men and women when
[29:45] orgasm occurs for men and women when they're masturbating, it's exactly the
[29:48] they're masturbating, it's exactly the same. It's about 4 to 5 minutes. Okay. I
[29:50] same. It's about 4 to 5 minutes. Okay. I would just want to make sure I heard
[29:52] would just want to make sure I heard that
[29:52] that >> Yes. and that as you're listening or
[29:54] >> Yes. and that as you're listening or watching on YouTube, you got that.
[29:56] watching on YouTube, you got that. >> Yes. That the average length of time
[29:59] >> Yes. That the average length of time that it takes a woman to have an orgasm
[30:02] that it takes a woman to have an orgasm is about 15 minutes if you're full on
[30:05] is about 15 minutes if you're full on intercourse, but if you're masturbating,
[30:07] intercourse, but if you're masturbating, men and women achieve orgasm within 4 to
[30:10] men and women achieve orgasm within 4 to 5 minutes because we know what we're
[30:11] 5 minutes because we know what we're doing.
[30:12] doing. >> cuz we know what we're doing.
[30:14] >> cuz we know what we're doing. >> [laughter]
[30:15] >> [laughter] >> And we tend to be stimulating the
[30:16] >> And we tend to be stimulating the clitoris, right? Again, penetrative sex
[30:20] clitoris, right? Again, penetrative sex is incredible, but it's not the most
[30:23] is incredible, but it's not the most efficient path towards orgasm, right?
[30:26] efficient path towards orgasm, right? It's
[30:27] It's wonderful for things to take longer, but
[30:30] wonderful for things to take longer, but you're not weird if you're taking longer
[30:33] you're not weird if you're taking longer having a type of sex that just naturally
[30:36] having a type of sex that just naturally isn't designed to be stimulating the
[30:38] isn't designed to be stimulating the parts of you that are most important
[30:40] parts of you that are most important when it comes to pleasure. Well, and
[30:42] when it comes to pleasure. Well, and what's interesting is that since we
[30:43] what's interesting is that since we began with you basically saying, "Let's
[30:46] began with you basically saying, "Let's flip our mindset
[30:47] flip our mindset and let's really think about your sex
[30:50] and let's really think about your sex life as allowing pleasure in." Yeah. The
[30:53] life as allowing pleasure in." Yeah. The second you focus on whether or not
[30:55] second you focus on whether or not you're going to orgasm, now you're in
[30:58] you're going to orgasm, now you're in the burden zone Exactly.
[31:00] the burden zone Exactly. >> being in the moment and allowing
[31:02] >> being in the moment and allowing whatever it is to feel good. And it's
[31:05] whatever it is to feel good. And it's that kind of pressure that leads to so
[31:09] that kind of pressure that leads to so many women faking orgasms, right? Over
[31:12] many women faking orgasms, right? Over 50% of women say they have faked an
[31:15] 50% of women say they have faked an orgasm at some point. And when you
[31:19] orgasm at some point. And when you interview them and ask for the reasons,
[31:21] interview them and ask for the reasons, it's because often they
[31:24] it's because often they felt like they had to protect their
[31:25] felt like they had to protect their partner's feelings, right? That if they
[31:27] partner's feelings, right? That if they didn't orgasm, that they'd be making
[31:30] didn't orgasm, that they'd be making their partner feel like it they just
[31:32] their partner feel like it they just weren't a man, right? Or that they just
[31:34] weren't a man, right? Or that they just weren't, you know, a good sexual partner
[31:36] weren't, you know, a good sexual partner and that it would lead to sort of this
[31:39] and that it would lead to sort of this dynamic where
[31:41] dynamic where you one person felt insecure and
[31:42] you one person felt insecure and rejected and it just leads to more and
[31:45] rejected and it just leads to more and more pressure. And again, the more
[31:47] more pressure. And again, the more pressure you're putting on the sexual
[31:50] pressure you're putting on the sexual experience,
[31:51] experience, the less likely you are to enjoy it,
[31:54] the less likely you are to enjoy it, right? The less likely it is to be
[31:56] right? The less likely it is to be pleasurable. I think 50% is probably a
[31:59] pleasurable. I think 50% is probably a low number. Mhm. I think, you know, if
[32:01] low number. Mhm. I think, you know, if you're being honest with yourself,
[32:02] you're being honest with yourself, you've faked an orgasm to either finish
[32:04] you've faked an orgasm to either finish things and be done with it or because
[32:06] things and be done with it or because it's taking too long and now you're up
[32:08] it's taking too long and now you're up in your head and you're not enjoying it
[32:10] in your head and you're not enjoying it and now you don't want them to feel bad,
[32:11] and now you don't want them to feel bad, so it's like an out. The trick to
[32:13] so it's like an out. The trick to pleasurable sex isn't this innate
[32:16] pleasurable sex isn't this innate ability to have an orgasm that is just
[32:19] ability to have an orgasm that is just somebody's permanent skill set, right?
[32:22] somebody's permanent skill set, right? It's through communication. It's through
[32:25] It's through communication. It's through being able to use phrases like, "Guide
[32:29] being able to use phrases like, "Guide me" or "Show me what you want" or "Is
[32:32] me" or "Show me what you want" or "Is this feeling good?" or "Should I do more
[32:34] this feeling good?" or "Should I do more of this?" or "Show me what you like."
[32:36] of this?" or "Show me what you like." It's using, you know, slight shifts in
[32:40] It's using, you know, slight shifts in position or slight shifts in, you know,
[32:42] position or slight shifts in, you know, initiating something that feels really
[32:45] initiating something that feels really good to you. It's using size and moans
[32:49] good to you. It's using size and moans to again communicate what's working,
[32:52] to again communicate what's working, right? And so, it's shutting down honest
[32:57] right? And so, it's shutting down honest communication
[32:58] communication if you're just shutting yourself off
[33:00] if you're just shutting yourself off from your partner by faking an orgasm
[33:03] from your partner by faking an orgasm and essentially using deception, right?
[33:06] and essentially using deception, right? And if you think about the couple that's
[33:08] And if you think about the couple that's been together maybe for 20, 30 years and
[33:11] been together maybe for 20, 30 years and there's been a repeated pattern of
[33:14] there's been a repeated pattern of faking orgasms, it can be a really hard
[33:17] faking orgasms, it can be a really hard place to all of a sudden, you know, 20
[33:19] place to all of a sudden, you know, 20 years in say, "Honey, I've actually been
[33:22] years in say, "Honey, I've actually been faking orgasms all this time, right?"
[33:24] faking orgasms all this time, right?" And all of a sudden it's it's sort of
[33:27] And all of a sudden it's it's sort of this monumental time when you're like,
[33:29] this monumental time when you're like, "Oh my gosh,
[33:30] "Oh my gosh, our sex life just hasn't been what I
[33:32] our sex life just hasn't been what I thought it was, right?" Now, there is a
[33:35] thought it was, right?" Now, there is a path back from that.
[33:37] path back from that. >> What is it? It's first you need to
[33:39] >> What is it? It's first you need to figure out what does turn you on. You
[33:43] figure out what does turn you on. You need to masturbate. You need to, whether
[33:47] need to masturbate. You need to, whether it's
[33:48] it's on your own, in the shower, with one of
[33:50] on your own, in the shower, with one of the amazingly creative, technologically
[33:54] the amazingly creative, technologically advanced sex toys we now have available
[33:57] advanced sex toys we now have available to us, you need to learn what the types
[34:00] to us, you need to learn what the types of touch and sensation are that make you
[34:03] of touch and sensation are that make you feel at home and connected to your body.
[34:07] feel at home and connected to your body. You need to give yourself permission to
[34:10] You need to give yourself permission to maybe take longer, like we talked about,
[34:13] maybe take longer, like we talked about, than what the whole world has taught you
[34:15] than what the whole world has taught you is necessary and expected, right? And
[34:18] is necessary and expected, right? And it's through communication,
[34:20] it's through communication, right? And this might look like
[34:23] right? And this might look like having a conversation with your partner,
[34:25] having a conversation with your partner, right? Where you say, "Look,
[34:27] right? Where you say, "Look, I know this topic is really awkward, but
[34:30] I know this topic is really awkward, but it's important to us and I want sex to
[34:33] it's important to us and I want sex to be as pleasurable as it is. And so,
[34:36] be as pleasurable as it is. And so, let's have an actual conversation,
[34:39] let's have an actual conversation, right? And this is why in my book I give
[34:40] right? And this is why in my book I give all sorts of questions that couples can
[34:44] all sorts of questions that couples can ask each other to try to improve the sex
[34:48] ask each other to try to improve the sex that's in their relationship. I I have
[34:51] that's in their relationship. I I have so many thoughts. I am so happy you're
[34:53] so many thoughts. I am so happy you're here because I do believe that if you
[34:56] here because I do believe that if you listen to this conversation with your
[34:58] listen to this conversation with your partner,
[35:00] partner, it will open
[35:02] it will open the door. And I applaud anybody that is
[35:06] the door. And I applaud anybody that is willing
[35:08] willing to say out loud to somebody, I really
[35:11] to say out loud to somebody, I really want to work with you to improve this.
[35:12] want to work with you to improve this. My husband did that in our relationship
[35:14] My husband did that in our relationship 4 years ago. Now, we're going to be
[35:16] 4 years ago. Now, we're going to be married 30 years this year. And I
[35:18] married 30 years this year. And I remember when he came to me and said,
[35:20] remember when he came to me and said, you know, one of my goals this year is
[35:21] you know, one of my goals this year is that we really lean in and improve our
[35:24] that we really lean in and improve our sex life. And when he first said that,
[35:26] sex life. And when he first said that, Dr. McNickols, I was like,
[35:28] Dr. McNickols, I was like, "What do you mean? What's wrong with it?
[35:30] "What do you mean? What's wrong with it? What am I not doing? And now I have to
[35:32] What am I not doing? And now I have to do more?" Like, it just was this And the
[35:34] do more?" Like, it just was this And the poor guy is just trying to connect
[35:36] poor guy is just trying to connect >> Yes.
[35:37] >> Yes. >> around something so [laughter]
[35:38] >> around something so [laughter] important. And I remember feeling very
[35:41] important. And I remember feeling very much like, "I'm doing something wrong."
[35:43] much like, "I'm doing something wrong." Right. And I think so many couples
[35:46] Right. And I think so many couples struggle with that.
[35:48] struggle with that. It can immediately feel
[35:50] It can immediately feel like a rejection. Or wait, oh my god,
[35:53] like a rejection. Or wait, oh my god, you mean you're Are you not happy in our
[35:55] you mean you're Are you not happy in our sex life?
[35:57] sex life? Is something missing? Is it Is it not as
[35:59] Is something missing? Is it Is it not as good as I thought it was? And So, yeah,
[36:02] good as I thought it was? And So, yeah, learning to have those larger
[36:04] learning to have those larger conversations
[36:06] conversations where you ask each other really
[36:08] where you ask each other really important questions, but you have to
[36:10] important questions, but you have to frame it as
[36:12] frame it as I love you, right? This is important to
[36:15] I love you, right? This is important to us, [clears throat] to me, to you,
[36:17] us, [clears throat] to me, to you, right? Sexual intimacy is something I
[36:20] right? Sexual intimacy is something I would really love to focus on, and I'm
[36:23] would really love to focus on, and I'm attracted to you, and I love you so
[36:25] attracted to you, and I love you so much. And this is an area of our life
[36:28] much. And this is an area of our life that I feel like we should work on
[36:31] that I feel like we should work on because it's fun and because it can
[36:33] because it's fun and because it can always get better, right? And I feel
[36:36] always get better, right? And I feel like if you're, you know,
[36:38] like if you're, you know, setting it up with the positive, right?
[36:40] setting it up with the positive, right? Because
[36:41] Because one thing that is so true when it comes
[36:44] one thing that is so true when it comes to sexual communication is that if you
[36:47] to sexual communication is that if you are
[36:48] are stressing what's working, stressing
[36:50] stressing what's working, stressing what's positive, right? Talking about,
[36:53] what's positive, right? Talking about, well, what's the best sex we've ever
[36:55] well, what's the best sex we've ever had, right? Or what helps you to feel
[36:59] had, right? Or what helps you to feel the most turned on? What are different
[37:03] the most turned on? What are different types of micro novelty that we could
[37:06] types of micro novelty that we could introduce?
[37:07] introduce? >> What's a micro novelty? Oh, micro
[37:08] >> What's a micro novelty? Oh, micro novelty is so we've all heard that
[37:11] novelty is so we've all heard that novelty is critical in with, you know,
[37:15] novelty is critical in with, you know, keeping sex alive.
[37:17] keeping sex alive. Um, but we tend to be scared of it,
[37:19] Um, but we tend to be scared of it, right? We think that novelty means, you
[37:22] right? We think that novelty means, you know, going to the sex shop, buying the
[37:24] know, going to the sex shop, buying the whip, getting the the the paddle, right?
[37:27] whip, getting the the the paddle, right? Or that we
[37:28] Or that we have to become almost a completely
[37:31] have to become almost a completely different person in order to have
[37:34] different person in order to have novelty and experience the sex life we
[37:36] novelty and experience the sex life we want. But the reality is that, you know,
[37:40] want. But the reality is that, you know, yes, novelty is important. And the
[37:41] yes, novelty is important. And the research shows that couples who
[37:44] research shows that couples who introduce some form of novelty once a
[37:47] introduce some form of novelty once a month or more, right? So a total of 12
[37:49] month or more, right? So a total of 12 times a year we're talking,
[37:51] times a year we're talking, experience greater levels of sexual
[37:53] experience greater levels of sexual satisfaction than couples who engage in
[37:56] satisfaction than couples who engage in less novelty. So it is important. It
[37:59] less novelty. So it is important. It doesn't need to look like swinging from
[38:00] doesn't need to look like swinging from the chandeliers.
[38:01] the chandeliers. >> Cuz I was going to say the the paddles
[38:03] >> Cuz I was going to say the the paddles and the whips and stuff sound like
[38:04] and the whips and stuff sound like macro.
[38:05] macro. >> Right, they're macro. You And And if
[38:07] >> Right, they're macro. You And And if that's what you're into, go for it,
[38:10] that's what you're into, go for it, right? By all means. I have a whole
[38:12] right? By all means. I have a whole chapter in my book if you are are
[38:14] chapter in my book if you are are interested in exploring that. But it
[38:17] interested in exploring that. But it could be trying a different technique,
[38:20] could be trying a different technique, right? A different type of touch that I
[38:23] right? A different type of touch that I go deeply into, right? Read chapters 2
[38:25] go deeply into, right? Read chapters 2 and 3, where I talk about all these
[38:28] and 3, where I talk about all these different types of touch and technique
[38:29] different types of touch and technique that can be really pleasurable. It could
[38:32] that can be really pleasurable. It could be setting the mood in a slightly
[38:34] be setting the mood in a slightly different way, right? We have research
[38:36] different way, right? We have research showing that couples in long-term
[38:37] showing that couples in long-term relationships who set the mood and and,
[38:40] relationships who set the mood and and, you know, this is sort of, you know,
[38:41] you know, this is sort of, you know, sweet, and you can take with this
[38:44] sweet, and you can take with this with a grain of salt, but couples who
[38:46] with a grain of salt, but couples who say I love you during sex
[38:48] say I love you during sex report higher levels of sexual
[38:49] report higher levels of sexual satisfaction. Kissing, kissing more
[38:52] satisfaction. Kissing, kissing more during sex increases the chances of
[38:54] during sex increases the chances of orgasm among women, and increases sexual
[38:57] orgasm among women, and increases sexual satisfaction. Right? So, it might be
[38:59] satisfaction. Right? So, it might be having sex at a slightly different time
[39:01] having sex at a slightly different time of day, right? maybe instead of saving
[39:04] of day, right? maybe instead of saving it until the end of the day, when you're
[39:06] it until the end of the day, when you're exhausted, or after a huge meal, you
[39:09] exhausted, or after a huge meal, you schedule it for before you go out to
[39:11] schedule it for before you go out to dinner, or before you go out at night,
[39:12] dinner, or before you go out at night, or earlier in the day, right? It could
[39:14] or earlier in the day, right? It could be that you've noticed that the best sex
[39:17] be that you've noticed that the best sex of your life happens when you're on
[39:19] of your life happens when you're on vacation.
[39:20] vacation. Maybe it's,
[39:21] Maybe it's, you know, making an effort to schedule
[39:23] you know, making an effort to schedule more time to go away just the two of
[39:25] more time to go away just the two of you, or get a hotel in the city you
[39:28] you, or get a hotel in the city you live. Why do you have to be traveling
[39:30] live. Why do you have to be traveling to, you know, do that, even just for a
[39:32] to, you know, do that, even just for a single night? Or it could be
[39:34] single night? Or it could be introducing, you know, a blindfold, or
[39:38] introducing, you know, a blindfold, or one of these types of, you know,
[39:40] one of these types of, you know, sensation play that doesn't involve any
[39:42] sensation play that doesn't involve any kind of pain. Maybe a little pinwheel,
[39:45] kind of pain. Maybe a little pinwheel, maybe it's ice cubes, right? Maybe
[39:48] maybe it's ice cubes, right? Maybe the blindfold, you know, which increases
[39:50] the blindfold, you know, which increases your attention to your body, the
[39:52] your attention to your body, the sensations you're you're experiencing.
[39:54] sensations you're you're experiencing. All of these things, you know, you don't
[39:57] All of these things, you know, you don't have to be, again, you know, whipping
[39:59] have to be, again, you know, whipping out the paddle. You can, but it's not
[40:02] out the paddle. You can, but it's not necessary.
[40:02] necessary. >> mask is right there next to the bed. I
[40:04] >> mask is right there next to the bed. I could probably be using it.
[40:06] could probably be using it. >> sleep mask on.
[40:07] >> sleep mask on. >> [laughter]
[40:08] >> [laughter] >> Normally that signals something else,
[40:10] >> Normally that signals something else, but, you know, you could
[40:12] but, you know, you could introduce micro novelty. I don't know
[40:14] introduce micro novelty. I don't know like, let's go.
[40:15] like, let's go. >> okay, I think on your sleep mask, well,
[40:17] >> okay, I think on your sleep mask, well, it could be double-sided. So, like one
[40:19] it could be double-sided. So, like one side means sleep, but the other side is
[40:21] side means sleep, but the other side is your clue.
[40:22] your clue. >> [laughter]
[40:23] >> [laughter] >> Sex. That's what I mean.
[40:24] >> Sex. That's what I mean. >> exactly.
[40:26] >> exactly. >> Exactly. And, you know, the beauty of
[40:28] >> Exactly. And, you know, the beauty of things like uh a mask or, you know, any
[40:31] things like uh a mask or, you know, any kind of when you're cutting off one
[40:32] kind of when you're cutting off one sensation, you're automatically your
[40:35] sensation, you're automatically your body is compensating by tuning in to
[40:38] body is compensating by tuning in to other sensations. So, you are
[40:40] other sensations. So, you are immediately going to be more sensitive
[40:43] immediately going to be more sensitive to touch, and you're also going to be
[40:46] to touch, and you're also going to be sort of more in the present because
[40:49] sort of more in the present because you're going to be so focused on that
[40:50] you're going to be so focused on that type of touch because your body's
[40:52] type of touch because your body's relying on it. Dr. McNichols, another
[40:55] relying on it. Dr. McNichols, another myth that people believe about sex is
[40:57] myth that people believe about sex is that if you fantasize about something,
[40:59] that if you fantasize about something, it must mean you really want it.
[41:01] it must mean you really want it. And you feel guilty for even thinking
[41:03] And you feel guilty for even thinking about it. I really wish I could free
[41:07] about it. I really wish I could free people from the shame that they
[41:09] people from the shame that they experience around their sexual
[41:12] experience around their sexual fantasies.
[41:13] fantasies. There's wonderful research on it that
[41:15] There's wonderful research on it that exists now.
[41:17] exists now. And one of the major takeaways is that
[41:20] And one of the major takeaways is that people fantasize about really wild,
[41:24] people fantasize about really wild, diverse things. And that what you
[41:27] diverse things. And that what you fantasize about is not necessarily what
[41:31] fantasize about is not necessarily what you want in real life. So, Dr.
[41:33] you want in real life. So, Dr. McNichols, how do you want us to think
[41:35] McNichols, how do you want us to think about our sexual fantasies?
[41:39] about our sexual fantasies? I want you to, first of all, normalize
[41:42] I want you to, first of all, normalize whatever fantasy you're having, right?
[41:44] whatever fantasy you're having, right? So, for those of you who are wondering,
[41:46] So, for those of you who are wondering, the most popular sexual fantasy in
[41:49] the most popular sexual fantasy in America is threesomes.
[41:52] America is threesomes. So, let's take that as an example,
[41:55] So, let's take that as an example, right? Multi-partnered sex.
[41:57] right? Multi-partnered sex. Not everyone that is having a fantasy
[42:01] Not everyone that is having a fantasy about threesomes actually wants to have
[42:04] about threesomes actually wants to have a threesome, right? In other words, a
[42:06] a threesome, right? In other words, a lot of people might kind of have that
[42:08] lot of people might kind of have that fantasy, it gets them turned on, maybe
[42:10] fantasy, it gets them turned on, maybe they even think about it when they're
[42:11] they even think about it when they're masturbating.
[42:13] masturbating. But the reality of a threesome feels
[42:15] But the reality of a threesome feels overwhelming, unappealing, do you you
[42:18] overwhelming, unappealing, do you you know, how would that even work? I mean,
[42:20] know, how would that even work? I mean, personally I know with my ADHD, I don't
[42:23] personally I know with my ADHD, I don't think it would it's too much. It's
[42:26] think it would it's too much. It's >> [laughter]
[42:26] >> [laughter] >> I fall into that category. Yeah, um but
[42:29] >> I fall into that category. Yeah, um but it doesn't mean that it's not natural to
[42:31] it doesn't mean that it's not natural to fantasize about it. Same thing with
[42:34] fantasize about it. Same thing with taboo activities, right? Having sex in a
[42:37] taboo activities, right? Having sex in a public place, right? Public sex is a
[42:40] public place, right? Public sex is a very common sexual fantasy. Having
[42:43] very common sexual fantasy. Having [snorts] sex in the airplane bathroom,
[42:45] [snorts] sex in the airplane bathroom, right? Having sex in a situation where
[42:47] right? Having sex in a situation where you might get caught, right? Very, very
[42:50] you might get caught, right? Very, very common. They're tied to certain
[42:52] common. They're tied to certain interesting personality correlates, but
[42:55] interesting personality correlates, but they don't necessarily predict what we
[42:57] they don't necessarily predict what we want to have happen in real life. It's
[42:59] want to have happen in real life. It's not just that we're having fantasies
[43:01] not just that we're having fantasies about wild kinky things. The reality is
[43:04] about wild kinky things. The reality is that all of us really want to be
[43:08] that all of us really want to be desired, right? Feeling like somebody
[43:10] desired, right? Feeling like somebody else really wants you is a huge
[43:14] else really wants you is a huge aphrodisiac. Which, I don't know if
[43:17] aphrodisiac. Which, I don't know if you've seen the show Heated Rivalry.
[43:20] you've seen the show Heated Rivalry. Okay, for anybody who has not [laughter]
[43:21] Okay, for anybody who has not [laughter] seen this show,
[43:23] seen this show, this show,
[43:25] this show, right now as we're taping this
[43:26] right now as we're taping this conversation, everybody's talking about
[43:27] conversation, everybody's talking about it. It's about two male pro hockey
[43:30] it. It's about two male pro hockey players
[43:31] players >> Yes.
[43:31] >> Yes. >> arch rivals. Yes.
[43:33] >> arch rivals. Yes. >> Who fall
[43:34] >> Who fall crazy, madly, obsessively in love with
[43:37] crazy, madly, obsessively in love with each other.
[43:38] each other. >> Exactly.
[43:38] >> Exactly. >> I binge watched it with my husband.
[43:40] >> I binge watched it with my husband. >> Love that.
[43:40] >> Love that. >> Never in a million years did I think a
[43:44] >> Never in a million years did I think a television series about two male hockey
[43:47] television series about two male hockey players falling in love and having sex
[43:49] players falling in love and having sex would be one of the biggest turn-ons
[43:52] would be one of the biggest turn-ons ever. Like it's helped my sex life so
[43:54] ever. Like it's helped my sex life so much to watch Heated Rivalry.
[43:56] much to watch Heated Rivalry. >> [laughter]
[43:57] >> [laughter] >> Why? And I was really thinking about
[44:00] >> Why? And I was really thinking about this cuz I think it was observing the
[44:03] this cuz I think it was observing the just desire. On your knees, take your
[44:07] just desire. On your knees, take your pants off. And after 30 years of
[44:09] pants off. And after 30 years of marriage, watching this show, I'm like,
[44:13] marriage, watching this show, I'm like, >> [snorts]
[44:13] >> [snorts] >> Oh my god, I remember that.
[44:15] >> Oh my god, I remember that. >> Exactly. Chris. Exactly.
[44:18] >> Exactly. Chris. Exactly. >> [laughter]
[44:19] >> [laughter] >> What what why does that happen? Like,
[44:22] >> What what why does that happen? Like, what was happening in that cuz if you
[44:24] what was happening in that cuz if you had the same experience, Yes.
[44:26] had the same experience, Yes. >> I'm sure it is enlivening the sex lives
[44:29] >> I'm sure it is enlivening the sex lives of millions of heterosexual women, but
[44:32] of millions of heterosexual women, but why?
[44:34] why? >> I mean, that's what's fascinating is
[44:35] >> I mean, that's what's fascinating is that the main viewership of that show
[44:37] that the main viewership of that show are heterosexual millennial women. It's
[44:41] are heterosexual millennial women. It's a hit for heterosexual women because
[44:44] a hit for heterosexual women because that show taps into our fundamental need
[44:49] that show taps into our fundamental need for desire. Right? If you look at those
[44:51] for desire. Right? If you look at those two male hockey players, it's not just
[44:55] two male hockey players, it's not just about the physical sex that they're
[44:57] about the physical sex that they're having. Although, to be fair, it's hot.
[45:01] having. Although, to be fair, it's hot. >> But it's also just exploding with the
[45:06] >> But it's also just exploding with the tension between them. Them wanting to
[45:09] tension between them. Them wanting to connect with each other, have sex with
[45:11] connect with each other, have sex with each other, falling in love with each
[45:13] each other, falling in love with each other, but feeling restrained from doing
[45:16] other, but feeling restrained from doing so. And I think it really speaks to the
[45:19] so. And I think it really speaks to the fact that, you know, first of all,
[45:21] fact that, you know, first of all, desire and passion and romance, it's one
[45:25] desire and passion and romance, it's one of America's top sexual fantasies, and
[45:28] of America's top sexual fantasies, and it feeds into this very core human
[45:31] it feeds into this very core human motivation to want to feel wanted. We
[45:35] motivation to want to feel wanted. We all want to feel like our partner
[45:38] all want to feel like our partner desires us. And it's also pointing into
[45:42] desires us. And it's also pointing into something else really fascinating about
[45:46] something else really fascinating about human sexuality, which is that a lot of
[45:49] human sexuality, which is that a lot of times
[45:50] times the things that we fantasize about or
[45:52] the things that we fantasize about or the things that we can watch and get
[45:55] the things that we can watch and get turned on by don't necessarily line up
[45:58] turned on by don't necessarily line up with what we want in real life. It's
[46:01] with what we want in real life. It's because we are designed as human beings
[46:05] because we are designed as human beings to be creative in our desires and to
[46:07] to be creative in our desires and to place ourselves into imaginary
[46:10] place ourselves into imaginary situations
[46:12] situations that allow us to open ourselves to
[46:15] that allow us to open ourselves to fantasies and desires and emotional
[46:18] fantasies and desires and emotional states that are core to our level of
[46:22] states that are core to our level of wanting, but that don't translate into
[46:24] wanting, but that don't translate into the details of what we want to do in
[46:26] the details of what we want to do in real life.
[46:27] real life. In Heated Rivalry, there's this sense of
[46:30] In Heated Rivalry, there's this sense of egalitarianism.
[46:31] egalitarianism. They're both rich, they're both hot,
[46:34] They're both rich, they're both hot, they're both star hockey players. And
[46:37] they're both star hockey players. And so, seeing them together, seeing them
[46:41] so, seeing them together, seeing them navigate a relationship where they both
[46:44] navigate a relationship where they both have equal power, it's, you know, not a
[46:47] have equal power, it's, you know, not a man dominating a woman. It's not a woman
[46:50] man dominating a woman. It's not a woman experiencing the need and the desire,
[46:53] experiencing the need and the desire, which we're used to seeing. It's showing
[46:56] which we're used to seeing. It's showing men express that desire and longing and
[47:00] men express that desire and longing and wanting. We don't normally get to see
[47:02] wanting. We don't normally get to see that. Well, that makes perfect sense
[47:04] that. Well, that makes perfect sense because inside each and every one of us
[47:06] because inside each and every one of us is this innate
[47:09] is this innate want to be desired.
[47:10] want to be desired. >> Yes.
[47:11] >> Yes. >> And when you see people devouring each
[47:13] >> And when you see people devouring each other like that and the intimacy
[47:15] other like that and the intimacy building and the connection building, it
[47:18] building and the connection building, it reminds you that you want that too in
[47:20] reminds you that you want that too in your life. Exactly. We all fundamentally
[47:23] your life. Exactly. We all fundamentally want that in our life. Heated Rivalry
[47:26] want that in our life. Heated Rivalry isn't just about the actual physical sex
[47:30] isn't just about the actual physical sex scenes, it's about that dimension of
[47:32] scenes, it's about that dimension of wanting. So,
[47:34] wanting. So, I think for a lot of women seeing that
[47:36] I think for a lot of women seeing that show up in men, they relate to the
[47:39] show up in men, they relate to the wanting, but also seeing that it's
[47:42] wanting, but also seeing that it's something that's a universal
[47:44] something that's a universal emotion, a fundamental need, not just a
[47:49] emotion, a fundamental need, not just a gendered behavior is
[47:51] gendered behavior is pretty activating sexually and mentally
[47:54] pretty activating sexually and mentally to a lot of us.
[47:55] to a lot of us. Um, Dr. McNickols, you have another myth
[47:58] Um, Dr. McNickols, you have another myth about sex, which is that this belief
[48:01] about sex, which is that this belief that your sexual identity should be
[48:04] that your sexual identity should be fixed, that it's crystal clear to you,
[48:06] fixed, that it's crystal clear to you, and that if you're still kind of
[48:08] and that if you're still kind of figuring out your sexual identity, that
[48:10] figuring out your sexual identity, that there's something wrong with you. Yes.
[48:13] there's something wrong with you. Yes. So, we now know from so much research,
[48:17] So, we now know from so much research, um, Siri van Anders, Lisa Diamond, so
[48:21] um, Siri van Anders, Lisa Diamond, so many incredible researchers in this
[48:22] many incredible researchers in this field, that show how fluid sexuality can
[48:26] field, that show how fluid sexuality can be and how multi-dimensional,
[48:29] be and how multi-dimensional, right? Meaning that sometimes the, you
[48:33] right? Meaning that sometimes the, you know, sexual orientation that you start
[48:35] know, sexual orientation that you start out having stays consistent throughout
[48:37] out having stays consistent throughout your life, but a lot of times it
[48:39] your life, but a lot of times it evolves, right? A lot of times you may
[48:43] evolves, right? A lot of times you may not be totally sure who you're attracted
[48:45] not be totally sure who you're attracted to and you kind of discover it later on
[48:48] to and you kind of discover it later on in, you know, adulthood or through
[48:50] in, you know, adulthood or through college years. You know, there's, you
[48:53] college years. You know, there's, you know, especially so much stigma,
[48:56] know, especially so much stigma, particularly towards people who identify
[48:58] particularly towards people who identify as bisexual, right? Because the bisexual
[49:00] as bisexual, right? Because the bisexual community in general, you know, is faced
[49:02] community in general, you know, is faced with this idea of, oh, you're just
[49:04] with this idea of, oh, you're just weird, you haven't decided yet what you
[49:06] weird, you haven't decided yet what you are, you're just on a pathway to being
[49:08] are, you're just on a pathway to being gay. But the reality is that a lot of
[49:11] gay. But the reality is that a lot of people are attracted to more than one
[49:13] people are attracted to more than one gender, and that's okay. And in fact,
[49:16] gender, and that's okay. And in fact, when you look at, you know, women who
[49:19] when you look at, you know, women who identify as bisexual, they tend to have
[49:22] identify as bisexual, they tend to have that not as like just this phase that
[49:25] that not as like just this phase that they go through and then later on become
[49:28] they go through and then later on become gay or straight, but it actually tends
[49:30] gay or straight, but it actually tends to be more often the case that they
[49:31] to be more often the case that they transition towards being bisexual. You
[49:34] transition towards being bisexual. You know, and that's important to point out
[49:35] know, and that's important to point out because 23% of Gen Z nowadays identifies
[49:41] because 23% of Gen Z nowadays identifies under the LGBTQIA+
[49:42] under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, and of that group, 80%
[49:46] umbrella, and of that group, 80% identifies bisexual. So, I think that,
[49:50] identifies bisexual. So, I think that, you know, it's time that we celebrate
[49:52] you know, it's time that we celebrate that fluidity, that
[49:53] that fluidity, that multi-dimensionality.
[49:54] multi-dimensionality. That doesn't mean that you're secretly
[49:57] That doesn't mean that you're secretly hiding your real sexual orientation. It
[50:00] hiding your real sexual orientation. It just means that we're complex and
[50:02] just means that we're complex and sometimes what we enjoy in our
[50:03] sometimes what we enjoy in our imagination is just what makes us
[50:05] imagination is just what makes us uniquely human and sometimes it doesn't
[50:07] uniquely human and sometimes it doesn't translate into what we want in real
[50:09] translate into what we want in real life. So, it's multi-dimensional and it
[50:11] life. So, it's multi-dimensional and it just also depends on the particular
[50:13] just also depends on the particular domain, fantasy, imagination, you know,
[50:16] domain, fantasy, imagination, you know, what you actually want in real life. It
[50:18] what you actually want in real life. It can vary across those contexts as well.
[50:21] can vary across those contexts as well. I love
[50:23] I love that answer and that context and
[50:25] that answer and that context and framing. Cuz it just makes you feel
[50:27] framing. Cuz it just makes you feel normal. Yep. And it helps you put the
[50:30] normal. Yep. And it helps you put the fantasies or the things that turn you on
[50:32] fantasies or the things that turn you on into context of just the importance of
[50:36] into context of just the importance of desire and pleasure in general in your
[50:37] desire and pleasure in general in your life. Yes, exactly.
[50:40] life. Yes, exactly. >> Um a final myth that you talk about
[50:43] >> Um a final myth that you talk about related to sex is that if you are into
[50:47] related to sex is that if you are into non-traditional
[50:48] non-traditional sexual activities or kink or whatever
[50:51] sexual activities or kink or whatever else that it's weird or it's unhealthy
[50:53] else that it's weird or it's unhealthy or there's something wrong with you.
[50:55] or there's something wrong with you. Yes. So, there is unfortunately this
[50:58] Yes. So, there is unfortunately this long history of shame towards people who
[51:02] long history of shame towards people who are kinky, right? And the idea is that
[51:05] are kinky, right? And the idea is that if you are kinky, you must have
[51:08] if you are kinky, you must have experienced childhood abuse, right?
[51:10] experienced childhood abuse, right? That's a major myth. And that you are
[51:11] That's a major myth. And that you are just trying to relive this abuse over
[51:14] just trying to relive this abuse over and over and over again. And this myth
[51:17] and over and over again. And this myth is so
[51:18] is so per- so pervasive that there's actual
[51:21] per- so pervasive that there's actual actual studies showing that this is not
[51:24] actual studies showing that this is not the case, right? There have been studies
[51:25] the case, right? There have been studies looking at people who are kinksters and
[51:28] looking at people who are kinksters and looking at their, you know, interviewing
[51:29] looking at their, you know, interviewing them about their childhoods. No,
[51:31] them about their childhoods. No, actually the majority were not abused as
[51:34] actually the majority were not abused as children. Um what it is is
[51:38] children. Um what it is is you know, a need for novelty, right? And
[51:40] you know, a need for novelty, right? And excitement. And you know, this is again
[51:42] excitement. And you know, this is again almost something that is being thought
[51:46] almost something that is being thought of as almost, you know, part of the
[51:48] of as almost, you know, part of the sexual orientation research, which is
[51:50] sexual orientation research, which is that some people want connection and
[51:54] that some people want connection and slowness and
[51:56] slowness and reassuredness and stability and security
[52:00] reassuredness and stability and security and prediction and control in their
[52:01] and prediction and control in their sexual experiences. And some people are
[52:03] sexual experiences. And some people are just oriented to want excitement,
[52:06] just oriented to want excitement, thrill, maybe they maybe entering into a
[52:08] thrill, maybe they maybe entering into a headspace that is absolutely completely
[52:13] headspace that is absolutely completely opposed to the headspace and identity
[52:15] opposed to the headspace and identity that you have in the rest of your life.
[52:17] that you have in the rest of your life. And that can actually be a healing
[52:19] And that can actually be a healing thing. I want to normalize people having
[52:23] thing. I want to normalize people having all different forms of sexual
[52:25] all different forms of sexual expressions and interests. And look,
[52:28] expressions and interests. And look, kink is something that more and more
[52:30] kink is something that more and more people are getting into, but again,
[52:32] people are getting into, but again, because of the media that they see, they
[52:35] because of the media that they see, they don't understand that it involves
[52:37] don't understand that it involves consent. It involves having
[52:38] consent. It involves having conversations ahead of time about what
[52:41] conversations ahead of time about what you're into, what you're not into, what
[52:43] you're into, what you're not into, what you want to feel, what your safe word
[52:45] you want to feel, what your safe word is. And so, I want to be able to
[52:47] is. And so, I want to be able to normalize that because I mean, here's
[52:50] normalize that because I mean, here's the reality, Mel, is that those lessons
[52:53] the reality, Mel, is that those lessons that we often learn from the kink
[52:54] that we often learn from the kink community in terms of consent and
[52:56] community in terms of consent and communication throughout the whole
[52:58] communication throughout the whole experience, they're not just relevant to
[53:01] experience, they're not just relevant to people who are practicing kink, they
[53:04] people who are practicing kink, they actually can help all of us. Really, it
[53:06] actually can help all of us. Really, it really models how consent and that
[53:10] really models how consent and that ongoing checking in with a partner
[53:12] ongoing checking in with a partner throughout the whole experience
[53:14] throughout the whole experience can make sex better. It can make it
[53:16] can make sex better. It can make it hotter. It can add that excitement and
[53:18] hotter. It can add that excitement and that and desire and that thrill. So, I
[53:21] that and desire and that thrill. So, I feel like by showing them, you know, I'm
[53:24] feel like by showing them, you know, I'm normalizing something that somebody in
[53:26] normalizing something that somebody in the audience, many are probably
[53:27] the audience, many are probably thinking, "Okay, wow, I've always
[53:30] thinking, "Okay, wow, I've always fantasized about that and I thought I
[53:31] fantasized about that and I thought I was weird or broken or wrong." And we're
[53:34] was weird or broken or wrong." And we're talking about this in a really open way.
[53:37] talking about this in a really open way. Dr. McNichols, can you talk to us about
[53:39] Dr. McNichols, can you talk to us about the clitoris? I actually brought some
[53:41] the clitoris? I actually brought some friends with me that could illustrate
[53:43] friends with me that could illustrate what we know now.
[53:45] what we know now. >> Absolutely. Let's go there, Dr.
[53:47] >> Absolutely. Let's go there, Dr. McNichols. Here we go. And if you're
[53:49] McNichols. Here we go. And if you're listening, um and you're not watching on
[53:52] listening, um and you're not watching on YouTube, you you have picked up
[53:55] YouTube, you you have picked up This is like a stuffed toy. What is
[53:57] This is like a stuffed toy. What is that?
[53:59] that? This is my lovely stuffed plushy
[54:04] This is my lovely stuffed plushy clitoris and vulva that shows the
[54:08] clitoris and vulva that shows the external structures as well as the
[54:10] external structures as well as the internal structure.
[54:11] internal structure. >> It looks like a purpley clam [laughter]
[54:16] >> It looks like a purpley clam [laughter] almost. It's like a little baby in the
[54:19] almost. It's like a little baby in the middle of the clam wearing like a hooded
[54:22] middle of the clam wearing like a hooded towel.
[54:23] towel. >> Exactly. Oh my gosh. So, I'm holding my
[54:27] >> Exactly. Oh my gosh. So, I'm holding my stuffed clitoris. What I'm going to
[54:29] stuffed clitoris. What I'm going to point to first is what you, Mel, pointed
[54:32] point to first is what you, Mel, pointed out as what looks like a little baby a
[54:34] out as what looks like a little baby a little baby head.
[54:36] little baby head. >> [laughter]
[54:37] >> [laughter] >> And this is at the top of the vulva. And
[54:40] >> And this is at the top of the vulva. And just to orient you, on the outside, it
[54:43] just to orient you, on the outside, it has what are known as the outer lips of
[54:45] has what are known as the outer lips of the vagina, which are the labia majora.
[54:47] the vagina, which are the labia majora. Okay. And then we have inside, we have
[54:51] Okay. And then we have inside, we have the inner labia, which are the labia
[54:53] the inner labia, which are the labia minora. Okay. Before we go any further,
[54:56] minora. Okay. Before we go any further, the inner labia are really critically
[54:58] the inner labia are really critically important because they have tons of
[55:01] important because they have tons of nerve endings in them.
[55:03] nerve endings in them. >> They do. Tons of nerve endings that are
[55:06] >> They do. Tons of nerve endings that are really related to sexual pleasure. Huh.
[55:08] really related to sexual pleasure. Huh. And so, people do what I call gun it for
[55:10] And so, people do what I call gun it for the [ __ ] in the beginning of sexual
[55:12] the [ __ ] in the beginning of sexual pleasure. You do not want to gun it for
[55:16] pleasure. You do not want to gun it for the [ __ ] because the [ __ ] starting out
[55:18] the [ __ ] because the [ __ ] starting out is going to be very sensitive.
[55:20] is going to be very sensitive. Sensitive, yeah. Yeah. And it's not
[55:22] Sensitive, yeah. Yeah. And it's not going to feel good if you kind of just
[55:24] going to feel good if you kind of just immediately go there and touch it. See,
[55:26] immediately go there and touch it. See, the trick is you need to first of all,
[55:29] the trick is you need to first of all, embrace [snorts] the idea that the full
[55:31] embrace [snorts] the idea that the full body is an erogenous zone, right? I
[55:33] body is an erogenous zone, right? I mean, it's feels good to be touched
[55:36] mean, it's feels good to be touched everywhere. But then, you want to kind
[55:38] everywhere. But then, you want to kind of warm up around the outer labia, which
[55:41] of warm up around the outer labia, which has nerve endings, and then these inner
[55:43] has nerve endings, and then these inner labia. Now, I need to also mention
[55:45] labia. Now, I need to also mention something critical about the inner
[55:47] something critical about the inner labia.
[55:48] labia. People don't realize how important these
[55:50] People don't realize how important these are for sexual pleasure, and yet in porn
[55:54] are for sexual pleasure, and yet in porn we see totally unrealistic portrayals of
[55:57] we see totally unrealistic portrayals of what they look like. People are
[55:58] what they look like. People are literally going into a surgeon and
[56:01] literally going into a surgeon and having their inner labia shortened
[56:03] having their inner labia shortened because they think it'll make it look
[56:05] because they think it'll make it look tidier and neater according to what they
[56:08] tidier and neater according to what they see.
[56:09] see. >> Well, you can't even see down there, so
[56:10] >> Well, you can't even see down there, so I don't know why you'd be doing that
[56:11] I don't know why you'd be doing that unless you're very bendy. But so I just
[56:14] unless you're very bendy. But so I just want to make sure as you're listening,
[56:15] want to make sure as you're listening, like just imagine it's the outer lips,
[56:18] like just imagine it's the outer lips, it's the
[56:19] it's the little or depending upon your body, just
[56:22] little or depending upon your body, just the the ones that aren't so big on the
[56:25] the the ones that aren't so big on the outside
[56:26] outside >> Yes. that are on the inside that you're
[56:27] >> Yes. that are on the inside that you're talking about. So when you move up to
[56:29] talking about. So when you move up to the top
[56:31] the top >> Yes.
[56:31] >> Yes. >> of the anatomy,
[56:32] >> of the anatomy, >> Yes. now we have the part that I
[56:35] >> Yes. now we have the part that I describe like a little baby head in
[56:37] describe like a little baby head in there,
[56:37] there, >> [laughter]
[56:37] >> [laughter] >> nestled in, but it's that's the
[56:40] >> nestled in, but it's that's the clitoris.
[56:40] clitoris. >> That is the That is the external portion
[56:43] >> That is the That is the external portion of the clitoris. External?
[56:45] of the clitoris. External? >> External portion. And I think this is
[56:47] >> External portion. And I think this is fascinating. It originates from the
[56:48] fascinating. It originates from the exact same embryonic tissue as the glans
[56:51] exact same embryonic tissue as the glans of the penis head.
[56:53] of the penis head. >> It does, which if you think about it,
[56:55] >> It does, which if you think about it, means that by ignoring the clitoris for
[56:57] means that by ignoring the clitoris for decades, we were essentially ignoring
[57:00] decades, we were essentially ignoring the equivalent of the glans of the
[57:02] the equivalent of the glans of the penis. And it develops from the same
[57:04] penis. And it develops from the same tissue as the glans of the penis.
[57:08] tissue as the glans of the penis. Meaning it is just as critical to
[57:11] Meaning it is just as critical to pleasure as the head of the penis. So
[57:14] pleasure as the head of the penis. So this part is critical, do not lose sight
[57:16] this part is critical, do not lose sight of that. And then Mel, there's also a
[57:18] of that. And then Mel, there's also a very important place right between the
[57:22] very important place right between the vulva and the entrance to the anus.
[57:26] vulva and the entrance to the anus. That's kind of like a flat piece of
[57:27] That's kind of like a flat piece of skin. That can be incredibly sensitive
[57:31] skin. That can be incredibly sensitive and responsive to erotic touch. So, you
[57:34] and responsive to erotic touch. So, you know, we kind of fall into this trap of
[57:36] know, we kind of fall into this trap of thinking it's just about the clitoris or
[57:38] thinking it's just about the clitoris or it's just about the head of the penis,
[57:40] it's just about the head of the penis, but all of these places can be
[57:42] but all of these places can be incredibly sensitive and feed into a lot
[57:46] incredibly sensitive and feed into a lot of pleasure. It's just a question about
[57:48] of pleasure. It's just a question about experimenting and finding what feels
[57:51] experimenting and finding what feels right to you and for your partner. But,
[57:54] right to you and for your partner. But, here's the thing now is that you might
[57:56] here's the thing now is that you might be thinking this you might be listening
[57:58] be thinking this you might be listening to this episode thinking
[58:00] to this episode thinking Okay, clitoris, got it. Underneath the
[58:02] Okay, clitoris, got it. Underneath the clitoral hood, check. I know where that
[58:04] clitoral hood, check. I know where that is. But, what many people don't know is
[58:07] is. But, what many people don't know is that and what was discovered in 2005 as
[58:10] that and what was discovered in 2005 as I turn around my study
[58:12] I turn around my study >> Like, I don't even know how to describe
[58:13] >> Like, I don't even know how to describe what the hell that is.
[58:14] what the hell that is. >> These are the internal portions of the
[58:17] >> These are the internal portions of the clitoris.
[58:18] clitoris. These are incredibly important
[58:20] These are incredibly important >> Okay, so let me just make sure I'm
[58:22] >> Okay, so let me just make sure I'm following this. So, so first, Dr.
[58:25] following this. So, so first, Dr. McNichols, you said don't just go right
[58:27] McNichols, you said don't just go right for the clitoris. There's the
[58:29] for the clitoris. There's the androgenous zone all around the outside.
[58:32] androgenous zone all around the outside. >> Exactly.
[58:33] >> Exactly. >> to all of that. Warm things up and then
[58:37] >> to all of that. Warm things up and then when you go to the actual clitoris,
[58:40] when you go to the actual clitoris, which is at the top Yes.
[58:42] which is at the top Yes. >> of the female anatomy, right?
[58:45] >> of the female anatomy, right? >> Yes. That it's made from the same tissue
[58:49] >> Yes. That it's made from the same tissue that a penis would form from.
[58:50] that a penis would form from. >> Yes. And so, it has the ability to swell
[58:54] >> Yes. And so, it has the ability to swell and become erect when stimulated. You've
[58:57] and become erect when stimulated. You've now turned around the little stuff
[59:00] now turned around the little stuff clitoris. And now all of a sudden
[59:03] clitoris. And now all of a sudden you've got these
[59:05] you've got these like I don't even know what to describe
[59:06] like I don't even know what to describe that. It's has these external wishbone
[59:10] that. It's has these external wishbone structures, right? That are extending 6
[59:12] structures, right? That are extending 6 to 8 inches down inside your body.
[59:16] to 8 inches down inside your body. >> your Wait, when it swells, it's 6 to 8
[59:20] >> your Wait, when it swells, it's 6 to 8 inches into your body?
[59:23] inches into your body? >> It's a lot longer than people realize.
[59:25] >> It's a lot longer than people realize. >> Because you only see like a little bit
[59:27] >> Because you only see like a little bit even when it swells.
[59:28] even when it swells. >> exactly. That's incredible.
[59:31] >> exactly. That's incredible. >> It's incredible. And so what we're
[59:32] >> It's incredible. And so what we're looking at here the outside structures
[59:34] looking at here the outside structures which are the crura and then we have
[59:37] which are the crura and then we have within the crura the vestibular bulbs
[59:40] within the crura the vestibular bulbs which are another sort of inner wishbone
[59:42] which are another sort of inner wishbone structure. Now these are both going to
[59:45] structure. Now these are both going to fill with blood and become aroused and
[59:48] fill with blood and become aroused and erect during sexual arousal.
[59:52] erect during sexual arousal. Okay. So you might be thinking all
[59:54] Okay. So you might be thinking all right, well that's fascinating. I the
[59:56] right, well that's fascinating. I the clitoris has internal structures but
[59:58] clitoris has internal structures but what does that mean for pleasure?
[01:00:00] what does that mean for pleasure? It means that if we think about
[01:00:03] It means that if we think about pleasuring
[01:00:05] pleasuring the clitoris, right? We've got the
[01:00:07] the clitoris, right? We've got the glands the outside portion but then if
[01:00:10] glands the outside portion but then if we're thinking about what feels good
[01:00:12] we're thinking about what feels good from a penetrative standpoint
[01:00:13] from a penetrative standpoint >> Mhm. we want to be able to penetrate
[01:00:16] >> Mhm. we want to be able to penetrate these internal structures. In other
[01:00:19] these internal structures. In other words, if you're watching this, if
[01:00:21] words, if you're watching this, if you're sticking your fingers about two
[01:00:24] you're sticking your fingers about two to three inches inside the vagina and
[01:00:27] to three inches inside the vagina and stimulating the upper wall two to three
[01:00:31] stimulating the upper wall two to three inches inside, you're going to be
[01:00:33] inches inside, you're going to be hitting against these internal
[01:00:35] hitting against these internal structures of the clitoris.
[01:00:37] structures of the clitoris. >> it's not just swelling outward, it's
[01:00:40] >> it's not just swelling outward, it's swelling inward.
[01:00:41] swelling inward. >> Yes, exactly. It's because all of this
[01:00:44] >> Yes, exactly. It's because all of this is inside the body, right? This is
[01:00:47] is inside the body, right? This is wrapping around the vagina. So you stuck
[01:00:51] wrapping around the vagina. So you stuck your fingers
[01:00:52] your fingers >> ever explained this to me before.
[01:00:54] >> ever explained this to me before. >> It's it's critical it's it's critical
[01:00:56] >> It's it's critical it's it's critical about anatomy. What is the most common
[01:00:58] about anatomy. What is the most common question that you get when you start
[01:01:00] question that you get when you start talking about the clitoris and the
[01:01:04] talking about the clitoris and the anatomy of a woman?
[01:01:06] anatomy of a woman? How big a penis has to be to be able to
[01:01:09] How big a penis has to be to be able to to stimulate it, I would say is a big
[01:01:11] to stimulate it, I would say is a big thing. And when I when I talk about the
[01:01:14] thing. And when I when I talk about the you know fact that this is only two to
[01:01:15] you know fact that this is only two to three inches inside
[01:01:18] three inches inside it's
[01:01:19] it's showing you that you don't need some
[01:01:22] showing you that you don't need some enormous porn size sized
[01:01:25] enormous porn size sized tool to get in there.
[01:01:26] tool to get in there. >> That literally [laughter]
[01:01:28] >> That literally [laughter] for a woman right after you enter the
[01:01:31] for a woman right after you enter the vagina, it's just a short amount of
[01:01:33] vagina, it's just a short amount of space right inside that is swelling
[01:01:35] space right inside that is swelling >> Exactly.
[01:01:36] >> Exactly. >> where all of those nerve endings are.
[01:01:39] >> where all of those nerve endings are. >> Exactly. And so again, so this is the
[01:01:42] >> Exactly. And so again, so this is the vagina where this clitoris is wrapping
[01:01:44] vagina where this clitoris is wrapping around internally. If you are, you know,
[01:01:47] around internally. If you are, you know, again, sticking your two fingers
[01:01:50] again, sticking your two fingers anything inside this, right? Where, you
[01:01:52] anything inside this, right? Where, you know, men, women, whoever you are and
[01:01:54] know, men, women, whoever you are and you're stimulating the top part
[01:01:57] you're stimulating the top part >> McNichols is literally sticking her two
[01:01:59] >> McNichols is literally sticking her two fingers out.
[01:02:00] fingers out. >> Yes. And you're now like lifting up.
[01:02:02] >> Yes. And you're now like lifting up. >> Exactly. The way I describe it to my
[01:02:04] >> Exactly. The way I describe it to my students, it's kind of like the
[01:02:06] students, it's kind of like the Spiderman technique, right?
[01:02:08] Spiderman technique, right? >> spray.
[01:02:09] >> spray. >> You're going to right like this and then
[01:02:11] >> You're going to right like this and then you're kind of going like that.
[01:02:12] you're kind of going like that. >> Well, okay, well and she's making like a
[01:02:14] >> Well, okay, well and she's making like a come hither. a come hither motion
[01:02:17] come hither. a come hither motion >> cuz that's kind of sexy. It's all like
[01:02:18] >> cuz that's kind of sexy. It's all like [laughter] come over here. It's come
[01:02:19] [laughter] come over here. It's come hither. spoon Yeah, you're like stroking
[01:02:22] hither. spoon Yeah, you're like stroking it like Spiderman.
[01:02:23] it like Spiderman. >> Exactly. Exactly. And so, you know, we
[01:02:25] >> Exactly. Exactly. And so, you know, we used to think of this as the G spot,
[01:02:29] used to think of this as the G spot, right? And
[01:02:30] right? And >> See, I thought the G spot was like way
[01:02:31] >> See, I thought the G spot was like way up top somewhere. Like always searching
[01:02:33] up top somewhere. Like always searching for it and knowing it's right there.
[01:02:35] for it and knowing it's right there. >> right there. It's just two to It's and
[01:02:38] >> right there. It's just two to It's and so most people are like, well, I don't
[01:02:39] so most people are like, well, I don't have a G spot and they're they're
[01:02:41] have a G spot and they're they're searching too far deeply into the vagina
[01:02:44] searching too far deeply into the vagina because the reality is that it's
[01:02:46] because the reality is that it's exactly. It's just two to three inches
[01:02:48] exactly. It's just two to three inches there.
[01:02:49] there. And it it feels a little bit different
[01:02:51] And it it feels a little bit different than the other tissue in the vagina. The
[01:02:54] than the other tissue in the vagina. The texture of it is a bit closer to a
[01:02:56] texture of it is a bit closer to a walnut as opposed to being smooth like
[01:02:59] walnut as opposed to being smooth like like yeah, almost like the backside of
[01:03:01] like yeah, almost like the backside of cardboard. You know how that's bumpy?
[01:03:03] cardboard. You know how that's bumpy? Yeah.
[01:03:03] Yeah. >> Like if you just put your fingers over
[01:03:05] >> Like if you just put your fingers over that.
[01:03:05] that. >> Got you.
[01:03:06] >> Got you. >> Right? Okay. So
[01:03:08] >> Right? Okay. So the G spot actually has a long
[01:03:10] the G spot actually has a long fascinating political history behind it
[01:03:13] fascinating political history behind it because
[01:03:14] because you know, Freud used to believe and tell
[01:03:17] you know, Freud used to believe and tell all of us that vaginal orgasms, which
[01:03:20] all of us that vaginal orgasms, which were the kind that you had, you know,
[01:03:22] were the kind that you had, you know, with penetration, a penis, were more
[01:03:26] with penetration, a penis, were more mature than clitoral orgasms.
[01:03:29] mature than clitoral orgasms. Essentially, what this was suggesting is
[01:03:31] Essentially, what this was suggesting is that women who had orgasms on their own,
[01:03:33] that women who had orgasms on their own, aka masturbating, were not as
[01:03:36] aka masturbating, were not as emotionally evolved as people who were
[01:03:39] emotionally evolved as people who were having orgasms with a partner. And you
[01:03:41] having orgasms with a partner. And you just you just taught us that only 18% of
[01:03:44] just you just taught us that only 18% of women can have an orgasm
[01:03:46] women can have an orgasm when there is something inserted into
[01:03:48] when there is something inserted into her.
[01:03:48] her. >> Exactly. So, I mean, essentially, Freud
[01:03:50] >> Exactly. So, I mean, essentially, Freud was saying that 82% of us are immature
[01:03:55] was saying that 82% of us are immature simply because we can't have the kind of
[01:03:57] simply because we can't have the kind of sex that requires a man, which if you
[01:03:59] sex that requires a man, which if you think about it, is really kind of
[01:04:01] think about it, is really kind of appalling. But, here's what's
[01:04:03] appalling. But, here's what's fascinating is that when it you know,
[01:04:06] fascinating is that when it you know, for a person who is having an orgasm
[01:04:09] for a person who is having an orgasm from internal stimulation, it's usually
[01:04:11] from internal stimulation, it's usually because it's stimulating
[01:04:13] because it's stimulating what we now call it's not some sort of
[01:04:16] what we now call it's not some sort of magical spot the way we used to think,
[01:04:18] magical spot the way we used to think, like the the G-spot. It's we call it the
[01:04:21] like the the G-spot. It's we call it the clitourethrovaginal
[01:04:24] clitourethrovaginal complex.
[01:04:25] complex. >> That's way too long. Clitoral, urethral,
[01:04:27] >> That's way too long. Clitoral, urethral, vaginal complex.
[01:04:28] vaginal complex. >> Yes, close enough. Very good. And the
[01:04:30] >> Yes, close enough. Very good. And the idea is that
[01:04:32] idea is that all these structures are related. In
[01:04:34] all these structures are related. In other words, when you're having an
[01:04:37] other words, when you're having an orgasm from internal stimulation, you're
[01:04:40] orgasm from internal stimulation, you're still having a clitoral orgasm. It's
[01:04:43] still having a clitoral orgasm. It's just stimulating the clitoris from
[01:04:44] just stimulating the clitoris from inside.
[01:04:45] inside. >> Okay, hold on. I just want to make sure
[01:04:46] >> Okay, hold on. I just want to make sure I just
[01:04:46] I just >> [laughter]
[01:04:46] >> [laughter] >> caught this.
[01:04:48] >> caught this. So, when a woman
[01:04:50] So, when a woman is having an orgasm,
[01:04:52] is having an orgasm, >> Yes. whether it's because a penis or
[01:04:56] >> Yes. whether it's because a penis or another object is inside of her,
[01:04:59] another object is inside of her, or she's having an orgasm because
[01:05:01] or she's having an orgasm because somebody is using the Spider-Man
[01:05:03] somebody is using the Spider-Man two-finger kind of come-hither wave
[01:05:06] two-finger kind of come-hither wave technique just 2 inches in, or she's
[01:05:09] technique just 2 inches in, or she's having an orgasm because you are
[01:05:11] having an orgasm because you are stimulating the outer, the inner, and
[01:05:15] stimulating the outer, the inner, and the clitoral area.
[01:05:17] the clitoral area. Whenever a woman is having an orgasm,
[01:05:20] Whenever a woman is having an orgasm, the clitoris is the thing that is
[01:05:21] the clitoris is the thing that is pulsing. Is that right?
[01:05:23] pulsing. Is that right? >> Exactly.
[01:05:24] >> Exactly. >> I not know that? I always thought if
[01:05:25] >> I not know that? I always thought if you're inside me, then the orgasm is
[01:05:28] you're inside me, then the orgasm is actually coming from somewhere else.
[01:05:31] actually coming from somewhere else. You're basically saying any of the
[01:05:33] You're basically saying any of the stimulation is just to get the clitoris
[01:05:35] stimulation is just to get the clitoris to go.
[01:05:36] to go. >> Exactly. Exactly.
[01:05:37] >> Exactly. Exactly. >> Oh my god.
[01:05:38] >> Oh my god. >> Yeah, and when we
[01:05:39] >> Yeah, and when we >> Why did I not know that until I was 57
[01:05:41] >> Why did I not know that until I was 57 years old? That's like, what? Because
[01:05:45] years old? That's like, what? Because we're women, and our sexuality has
[01:05:47] we're women, and our sexuality has historically been sidelined and viewed
[01:05:49] historically been sidelined and viewed as unimportant because if it's not tied
[01:05:52] as unimportant because if it's not tied to reproduction, who cares? Scientists
[01:05:54] to reproduction, who cares? Scientists have actually put women inside MRI
[01:05:57] have actually put women inside MRI machines and looked at what's happening
[01:05:59] machines and looked at what's happening in their bodies during orgasm. I'm
[01:06:02] in their bodies during orgasm. I'm trying not [snorts] to imagine what that
[01:06:03] trying not [snorts] to imagine what that research [laughter] study looks like, by
[01:06:05] research [laughter] study looks like, by the way.
[01:06:06] the way. It's amazing that we even have this. And
[01:06:09] It's amazing that we even have this. And whether it's stimulated from the
[01:06:11] whether it's stimulated from the external portion of the clitoris, the
[01:06:13] external portion of the clitoris, the intravaginally,
[01:06:16] intravaginally, just through fantasy alone, some people
[01:06:17] just through fantasy alone, some people can even have an orgasm just from
[01:06:19] can even have an orgasm just from fantasy alone, it involves the exact
[01:06:21] fantasy alone, it involves the exact same sequence of contractions of what we
[01:06:24] same sequence of contractions of what we call the orgasmic platform, which are
[01:06:26] call the orgasmic platform, which are all of the muscles that are tied into
[01:06:29] all of the muscles that are tied into orgasm. One of the most important ones
[01:06:32] orgasm. One of the most important ones is the pubococcygeus muscle, and don't
[01:06:34] is the pubococcygeus muscle, and don't worry, that took me several years to
[01:06:36] worry, that took me several years to pronounce.
[01:06:37] pronounce. >> [laughter]
[01:06:37] >> [laughter] >> Coccygeus, okay, keep going.
[01:06:39] >> Coccygeus, okay, keep going. Otherwise known as the pelvic floor,
[01:06:42] Otherwise known as the pelvic floor, right?
[01:06:43] right? >> the technical name of the pelvic floor?
[01:06:45] >> the technical name of the pelvic floor? Yeah. Yeah. So, it's it's, you know,
[01:06:48] Yeah. Yeah. So, it's it's, you know, essentially the same thing that you can
[01:06:49] essentially the same thing that you can strengthen by doing Kegel exercises. And
[01:06:53] strengthen by doing Kegel exercises. And I'm sure most people might know, but in
[01:06:56] I'm sure most people might know, but in case you don't know what a Kegel
[01:06:57] case you don't know what a Kegel exercise is, it's that contraction of
[01:07:00] exercise is, it's that contraction of muscles that you do when you're trying
[01:07:02] muscles that you do when you're trying to stop the flow of urine, right? And
[01:07:05] to stop the flow of urine, right? And so, the idea is that if you do a certain
[01:07:07] so, the idea is that if you do a certain set of those, right? A couple times a
[01:07:09] set of those, right? A couple times a day,
[01:07:10] day, that that will strengthen your pelvic
[01:07:12] that that will strengthen your pelvic floor and actually can lead to more
[01:07:14] floor and actually can lead to more intense orgasms.
[01:07:17] intense orgasms. And the beauty
[01:07:18] And the beauty >> work? The it I think it does, right? And
[01:07:20] >> work? The it I think it does, right? And I think it's incredibly important,
[01:07:21] I think it's incredibly important, especially for women who are menopausal
[01:07:24] especially for women who are menopausal or postmenopausal when that tissue, you
[01:07:26] or postmenopausal when that tissue, you know, or after childbirth when that
[01:07:28] know, or after childbirth when that tissue can get stretched out. Now, I do
[01:07:31] tissue can get stretched out. Now, I do want to point out there are certain
[01:07:32] want to point out there are certain women who have a very tight pelvic floor
[01:07:34] women who have a very tight pelvic floor already who don't want to do that
[01:07:35] already who don't want to do that exercise.
[01:07:36] exercise. But for most people, it can be really
[01:07:38] But for most people, it can be really helpful. Um but yes, what it's it's the
[01:07:41] helpful. Um but yes, what it's it's the same contraction of muscles. So, this
[01:07:44] same contraction of muscles. So, this idea, you know, I mean, I remember
[01:07:45] idea, you know, I mean, I remember sitting around with girlfriends in
[01:07:48] sitting around with girlfriends in college and thinking, well, you know, I
[01:07:50] college and thinking, well, you know, I can have a clitoral stimulation, but I I
[01:07:52] can have a clitoral stimulation, but I I can't have one from vaginal sex. And you
[01:07:55] can't have one from vaginal sex. And you know, just thinking that it was some
[01:07:57] know, just thinking that it was some holy grail of a different type of
[01:07:59] holy grail of a different type of orgasm.
[01:08:00] orgasm. It's not. We see blood flow to slightly
[01:08:03] It's not. We see blood flow to slightly different areas, but the contraction of
[01:08:05] different areas, but the contraction of muscles in those two different types of
[01:08:07] muscles in those two different types of orgasms is totally equivalent. So, you
[01:08:10] orgasms is totally equivalent. So, you are not missing out if you
[01:08:11] are not missing out if you >> I find that
[01:08:12] >> I find that >> [laughter]
[01:08:13] >> [laughter] >> those facts to be liberating. Yes.
[01:08:15] >> those facts to be liberating. Yes. >> And very empowering. Yes. And that is my
[01:08:18] >> And very empowering. Yes. And that is my absolute goal with teaching people about
[01:08:21] absolute goal with teaching people about this is that you are not missing out on
[01:08:24] this is that you are not missing out on some holy grail of orgasms if you
[01:08:29] some holy grail of orgasms if you can't have a orgasm just simply from
[01:08:32] can't have a orgasm just simply from penetrative sex. Yeah.
[01:08:33] penetrative sex. Yeah. >> perfect sense because the orgasm
[01:08:36] >> perfect sense because the orgasm is mechanically the same thing is
[01:08:38] is mechanically the same thing is happening regardless of what produced
[01:08:40] happening regardless of what produced it. Um Dr. McNickols, we have a bunch of
[01:08:43] it. Um Dr. McNickols, we have a bunch of listener questions and I want to start
[01:08:45] listener questions and I want to start with one from Karen who's 56 years old
[01:08:48] with one from Karen who's 56 years old and she writes and
[01:08:50] and she writes and Dr. McNickols, I want to have sex
[01:08:53] Dr. McNickols, I want to have sex but it hurts now. I'm dry, it burns, and
[01:08:56] but it hurts now. I'm dry, it burns, and I'm starting to dread intimacy because
[01:08:57] I'm starting to dread intimacy because I'm scared it's going to be painful. Is
[01:09:00] I'm scared it's going to be painful. Is this just menopause? Is there anything I
[01:09:02] this just menopause? Is there anything I can do? It absolutely can be menopause.
[01:09:06] can do? It absolutely can be menopause. That sounds like menopause to me. And we
[01:09:09] That sounds like menopause to me. And we are in a fabulous time right now where
[01:09:12] are in a fabulous time right now where there has been so much more awareness
[01:09:14] there has been so much more awareness brought to the impact of perimenopause
[01:09:17] brought to the impact of perimenopause and menopause. You know, it's a time
[01:09:20] and menopause. You know, it's a time when look, levels of progesterone and
[01:09:23] when look, levels of progesterone and estrogen are rapidly declining. And
[01:09:26] estrogen are rapidly declining. And that's going to have the effect on the
[01:09:28] that's going to have the effect on the vagina of making lubrication harder.
[01:09:31] vagina of making lubrication harder. There can be atrophy of the vaginal
[01:09:33] There can be atrophy of the vaginal walls. And yes, that can lead to sexual
[01:09:36] walls. And yes, that can lead to sexual pain. But sex should not be painful,
[01:09:40] pain. But sex should not be painful, right? It should absolutely never be
[01:09:42] right? It should absolutely never be something that you're just suffering
[01:09:44] something that you're just suffering through. And so I think it's amazing
[01:09:47] through. And so I think it's amazing that we now have, you know, the black
[01:09:49] that we now have, you know, the black bottle warning from HRT therapy removed,
[01:09:53] bottle warning from HRT therapy removed, that people, you know, are taking, you
[01:09:56] that people, you know, are taking, you know, different types of hormones, you
[01:09:57] know, different types of hormones, you know, I I personally will say that I
[01:09:59] know, I I personally will say that I take it and it has been transformative
[01:10:01] take it and it has been transformative in my own life taking estrogen and
[01:10:03] in my own life taking estrogen and progesterone. Testosterone therapy has
[01:10:06] progesterone. Testosterone therapy has also been really revolutionary for
[01:10:09] also been really revolutionary for women. You we don't know that we have
[01:10:10] women. You we don't know that we have testosterone in our bodies. And
[01:10:13] testosterone in our bodies. And actually, we lose it dramatically during
[01:10:15] actually, we lose it dramatically during menopause. And by introducing just small
[01:10:18] menopause. And by introducing just small amounts of it to get it back to where it
[01:10:19] amounts of it to get it back to where it was in our 30s and 40s can have a huge
[01:10:22] was in our 30s and 40s can have a huge effect on our sex drive. So I, you know,
[01:10:25] effect on our sex drive. So I, you know, want to be careful because I'm not uh
[01:10:27] want to be careful because I'm not uh I'm not a I'm not a doctor. I'm not a
[01:10:29] I'm not a I'm not a doctor. I'm not a medical provider. I can just speak from
[01:10:31] medical provider. I can just speak from my experience and from what I've read,
[01:10:33] my experience and from what I've read, you know, myself, which is that it can
[01:10:36] you know, myself, which is that it can absolutely be hugely helpful. As can
[01:10:38] absolutely be hugely helpful. As can things like estrogen creams, which can
[01:10:40] things like estrogen creams, which can simply be applied directly to the
[01:10:43] simply be applied directly to the vagina. So if you're in menopause, Yes.
[01:10:45] vagina. So if you're in menopause, Yes. and you're going through hormonal
[01:10:47] and you're going through hormonal changes or perimenopause,
[01:10:48] changes or perimenopause, >> Yes. and you're experiencing dryness,
[01:10:50] >> Yes. and you're experiencing dryness, other than HRT, what Is there anything
[01:10:53] other than HRT, what Is there anything else? Like use lube, this is your body,
[01:10:55] else? Like use lube, this is your body, okay?
[01:10:55] okay? >> exactly. So there are so many beautiful
[01:10:58] >> exactly. So there are so many beautiful types of organic flavored, name your
[01:11:02] types of organic flavored, name your your what you like kind of lube that we
[01:11:05] your what you like kind of lube that we should all be having and displaying
[01:11:07] should all be having and displaying beautifully on our nightstands.
[01:11:09] beautifully on our nightstands. >> [laughter]
[01:11:11] >> [laughter] >> And [clears throat] it's, you know, it's
[01:11:14] >> And [clears throat] it's, you know, it's just we've come so far in the types of
[01:11:17] just we've come so far in the types of lube that are available. Um, that can be
[01:11:19] lube that are available. Um, that can be wonderful, right? And aren't don't have
[01:11:22] wonderful, right? And aren't don't have to be messy and can be fun to use and
[01:11:24] to be messy and can be fun to use and can really just
[01:11:25] can really just make sex, you know, in general, I tell
[01:11:27] make sex, you know, in general, I tell people the wetter the better. So, the
[01:11:30] people the wetter the better. So, the more lubrication you can have down
[01:11:31] more lubrication you can have down there, the better off you're going to
[01:11:33] there, the better off you're going to be. Um, and estrogen creams, too, right?
[01:11:37] be. Um, and estrogen creams, too, right? That can really help to rebuild the
[01:11:39] That can really help to rebuild the tissue, you know, around the vulva can
[01:11:41] tissue, you know, around the vulva can be helpful. When we talk about menopause
[01:11:44] be helpful. When we talk about menopause and we talk about perimenopause, I want
[01:11:46] and we talk about perimenopause, I want to also just bring up that
[01:11:49] to also just bring up that obviously, as thrilled as I am for those
[01:11:52] obviously, as thrilled as I am for those conversations,
[01:11:54] conversations, I don't want women to lose sight of the
[01:11:56] I don't want women to lose sight of the fact that there are other very real
[01:11:59] fact that there are other very real things happening in your sex life that
[01:12:02] things happening in your sex life that could be influencing your desire, right?
[01:12:05] could be influencing your desire, right? So, for example, if you are feeling, you
[01:12:09] So, for example, if you are feeling, you know, stressed out and exhausted and
[01:12:12] know, stressed out and exhausted and overwhelmed and taking care of everybody
[01:12:15] overwhelmed and taking care of everybody else's needs, right? When we look at all
[01:12:18] else's needs, right? When we look at all the variables impacting women, that can
[01:12:20] the variables impacting women, that can have just as much of an effect on
[01:12:24] have just as much of an effect on lowering your level of desire as can the
[01:12:27] lowering your level of desire as can the hormones and equally needs to be
[01:12:29] hormones and equally needs to be addressed, right? Whether it is through
[01:12:32] addressed, right? Whether it is through having conversations with your partner
[01:12:34] having conversations with your partner about perhaps how to rearrange different
[01:12:38] about perhaps how to rearrange different divisions of labor in the household,
[01:12:41] divisions of labor in the household, right? The more you have a partner that
[01:12:43] right? The more you have a partner that can lean in and help you to, you know,
[01:12:47] can lean in and help you to, you know, feel like you are
[01:12:49] feel like you are achieving your dreams and that you are
[01:12:52] achieving your dreams and that you are able to have support where you need it
[01:12:55] able to have support where you need it and you know even you know I tell people
[01:12:58] and you know even you know I tell people I don't think mystery is the secret to
[01:13:02] I don't think mystery is the secret to keeping passion alive. I think it's
[01:13:05] keeping passion alive. I think it's gratitude. I think it's really being
[01:13:08] gratitude. I think it's really being able to appreciate all that our partners
[01:13:11] able to appreciate all that our partners do to you know help us help our families
[01:13:17] do to you know help us help our families that the ways that they lean in right
[01:13:20] that the ways that they lean in right because so often it can be sort of these
[01:13:23] because so often it can be sort of these hidden culprits in your relationship
[01:13:26] hidden culprits in your relationship these tiny resentments that can start to
[01:13:28] these tiny resentments that can start to grow if you feel like you're not
[01:13:31] grow if you feel like you're not appreciated or if you feel like you're
[01:13:33] appreciated or if you feel like you're just simply not seen or not heard in
[01:13:37] just simply not seen or not heard in your relationship and we need to
[01:13:38] your relationship and we need to understand everything and be interested
[01:13:41] understand everything and be interested in everything about our partner you know
[01:13:44] in everything about our partner you know not just what they did that day but what
[01:13:47] not just what they did that day but what they want what they're interested in
[01:13:48] they want what they're interested in what their worried about what their
[01:13:50] what their worried about what their insecurities are what the details are of
[01:13:53] insecurities are what the details are of the hobby that they're really into what
[01:13:55] the hobby that they're really into what the details are of the work that they're
[01:13:58] the details are of the work that they're working on because the more that we can
[01:14:00] working on because the more that we can see
[01:14:01] see in relationships the more we feel
[01:14:04] in relationships the more we feel connected and see each other the more we
[01:14:07] connected and see each other the more we feel heard the more gratitude we express
[01:14:11] feel heard the more gratitude we express that is going to be a pathway I think
[01:14:13] that is going to be a pathway I think into that desire that we all crave that
[01:14:16] into that desire that we all crave that really sets the tone for a healthy sex
[01:14:18] really sets the tone for a healthy sex life. So when you say gratitude Yes.
[01:14:22] life. So when you say gratitude Yes. Are you talking to our spouse?
[01:14:24] Are you talking to our spouse? That they need to be more grateful for
[01:14:26] That they need to be more grateful for us because
[01:14:28] us because I you know like when you hear it and
[01:14:30] I you know like when you hear it and you're also the mom and the wife and
[01:14:33] you're also the mom and the wife and you're taking care of everything and
[01:14:35] you're taking care of everything and you're exhausted and your hormones are
[01:14:36] you're exhausted and your hormones are all over the place and and and and and
[01:14:39] all over the place and and and and and and and you're last on your list feeling
[01:14:41] and and you're last on your list feeling grateful for your partner
[01:14:43] grateful for your partner is like are you kidding me don't they
[01:14:45] is like are you kidding me don't they need to be grateful for me, so that I
[01:14:48] need to be grateful for me, so that I Exactly.
[01:14:50] Exactly. >> Exactly.
[01:14:51] >> Exactly. >> to me about this gratitude piece. I hope
[01:14:53] >> to me about this gratitude piece. I hope that you are listening to this with your
[01:14:55] that you are listening to this with your partner, because I want you to both
[01:14:58] partner, because I want you to both experience gratitude. But, yes, I think
[01:15:01] experience gratitude. But, yes, I think especially for women who are in
[01:15:04] especially for women who are in relationships where you are working to
[01:15:08] relationships where you are working to manage everybody else's needs. Maybe you
[01:15:10] manage everybody else's needs. Maybe you have a career as well on top of that.
[01:15:14] have a career as well on top of that. You are you know, thinking about the
[01:15:16] You are you know, thinking about the kids parent-teacher conference that's
[01:15:19] kids parent-teacher conference that's coming up, or the dog that ate the
[01:15:21] coming up, or the dog that ate the crayons that last night, and it's your
[01:15:24] crayons that last night, and it's your you know, now you've got to call the vet
[01:15:26] you know, now you've got to call the vet and figure out exactly what's going on.
[01:15:28] and figure out exactly what's going on. There's so many responsibilities.
[01:15:30] There's so many responsibilities. You're doing so much. And to the extent
[01:15:35] You're doing so much. And to the extent that your partner, right, your husband
[01:15:38] that your partner, right, your husband or whoever you are with, can lean in and
[01:15:42] or whoever you are with, can lean in and recognize that, right, really understand
[01:15:45] recognize that, right, really understand just the enormous amounts of emotional
[01:15:49] just the enormous amounts of emotional and invisible labor that you are
[01:15:52] and invisible labor that you are undertaking, that is a huge aphrodisiac.
[01:15:56] undertaking, that is a huge aphrodisiac. That is going to help you feel needed,
[01:15:59] That is going to help you feel needed, feel seen, feel appreciated,
[01:16:02] feel seen, feel appreciated, right? Distance does not make the heart
[01:16:05] right? Distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Gratitude does. We need to
[01:16:08] grow fonder. Gratitude does. We need to be appreciating all that our partners
[01:16:12] be appreciating all that our partners are doing. And yes, of course this goes
[01:16:14] are doing. And yes, of course this goes in the other direction, right?
[01:16:15] in the other direction, right? Understanding that the men in our lives
[01:16:18] Understanding that the men in our lives or our partners are also doing so much,
[01:16:22] or our partners are also doing so much, are under a lot of stress, are maybe
[01:16:25] are under a lot of stress, are maybe don't have the ways to find the support
[01:16:28] don't have the ways to find the support that they need because of this culture
[01:16:29] that they need because of this culture we live in that under-prioritizes being
[01:16:32] we live in that under-prioritizes being able to take, you know, give proper
[01:16:35] able to take, you know, give proper attention to men's feelings and
[01:16:37] attention to men's feelings and insecurities, right? He might be feeling
[01:16:40] insecurities, right? He might be feeling a sense of anxiety about things that
[01:16:42] a sense of anxiety about things that would really help him to feel more
[01:16:44] would really help him to feel more connected to you, too, if he could talk
[01:16:47] connected to you, too, if he could talk about it. But, the most important thing
[01:16:50] about it. But, the most important thing is to feel like your needs are being
[01:16:53] is to feel like your needs are being recognized, that the amount you are
[01:16:56] recognized, that the amount you are doing is appreciated,
[01:16:59] doing is appreciated, because when we feel appreciated, we
[01:17:01] because when we feel appreciated, we feel seen. And when we feel seen, that
[01:17:04] feel seen. And when we feel seen, that turns on our desire.
[01:17:08] turns on our desire. Uh our next question is from Maya, 41,
[01:17:11] Uh our next question is from Maya, 41, Chicago.
[01:17:12] Chicago. I've been single for years, and it's
[01:17:14] I've been single for years, and it's like my sex life just disappeared. I
[01:17:17] like my sex life just disappeared. I miss intimacy, but dating feels
[01:17:19] miss intimacy, but dating feels exhausting. I feel rusty and insecure.
[01:17:21] exhausting. I feel rusty and insecure. How do I rebuild desire and confidence
[01:17:23] How do I rebuild desire and confidence when it's been so long without forcing
[01:17:26] when it's been so long without forcing myself into hookups I don't want? So,
[01:17:30] myself into hookups I don't want? So, being newly single, I just want to
[01:17:32] being newly single, I just want to really normalize that. It can be a scary
[01:17:34] really normalize that. It can be a scary time, right? Whether you are young and
[01:17:38] time, right? Whether you are young and still navigating sex and dating culture
[01:17:41] still navigating sex and dating culture in your 20s, or if you're in your 40s or
[01:17:44] in your 20s, or if you're in your 40s or 50s and newly single after being
[01:17:46] 50s and newly single after being divorced, or, you know, it can feel
[01:17:48] divorced, or, you know, it can feel scary being with a new sexual partner,
[01:17:51] scary being with a new sexual partner, right? Whether it's been many, many
[01:17:53] right? Whether it's been many, many years, or if it's just an ongoing part
[01:17:55] years, or if it's just an ongoing part of your life. And so, understanding that
[01:17:59] of your life. And so, understanding that when you show up sexually, first of all,
[01:18:02] when you show up sexually, first of all, with a person, again, it's having this
[01:18:05] with a person, again, it's having this growth mindset. You shouldn't just be
[01:18:08] growth mindset. You shouldn't just be assuming that the sex you're going to be
[01:18:10] assuming that the sex you're going to be having is going to have to instantly,
[01:18:13] having is going to have to instantly, out of the gate, be absolutely perfect.
[01:18:15] out of the gate, be absolutely perfect. It's letting go of these ideas of
[01:18:18] It's letting go of these ideas of perfection and normalizing,
[01:18:21] perfection and normalizing, you know, maybe you feel a little bit
[01:18:23] you know, maybe you feel a little bit different in your body. It's going to
[01:18:25] different in your body. It's going to take a little bit of time to get back.
[01:18:27] take a little bit of time to get back. But,
[01:18:28] But, in terms of this anxiety around casual
[01:18:31] in terms of this anxiety around casual sex and dating culture,
[01:18:34] sex and dating culture, I want to speak to that specifically,
[01:18:36] I want to speak to that specifically, because we already know, you know, I
[01:18:39] because we already know, you know, I describe it to my students as a culture
[01:18:42] describe it to my students as a culture of chill. It's literally a time when it
[01:18:45] of chill. It's literally a time when it is very cool to not have you don't want
[01:18:49] is very cool to not have you don't want to catch feelings, quote unquote, right?
[01:18:51] to catch feelings, quote unquote, right? We don't want to come across as being
[01:18:53] We don't want to come across as being needy or as codependent, right? We have
[01:18:57] needy or as codependent, right? We have all of this language around what is a
[01:19:00] all of this language around what is a very basic human need, which is to
[01:19:02] very basic human need, which is to simply be made to feel like our needs
[01:19:06] simply be made to feel like our needs matter. And so, when you're looking at
[01:19:08] matter. And so, when you're looking at casual sex
[01:19:10] casual sex and hookup culture in general, right? It
[01:19:13] and hookup culture in general, right? It helps to first know that it is possible
[01:19:16] helps to first know that it is possible to have wonderful casual sex
[01:19:19] to have wonderful casual sex experiences, right? It is possible, you
[01:19:22] experiences, right? It is possible, you know, when we look at the literature,
[01:19:24] know, when we look at the literature, you know, we we do see that absolutely,
[01:19:26] you know, we we do see that absolutely, in fact, if you're even just looking at,
[01:19:28] in fact, if you're even just looking at, you know, younger people where the
[01:19:29] you know, younger people where the majority of casual sex research has been
[01:19:31] majority of casual sex research has been performed on,
[01:19:33] performed on, that, you know, there are about a third
[01:19:36] that, you know, there are about a third of people who report having great casual
[01:19:38] of people who report having great casual sex,
[01:19:39] sex, about a third who report that it's meh,
[01:19:42] about a third who report that it's meh, kind of good, kind of bad, meaning they
[01:19:45] kind of good, kind of bad, meaning they felt it was exciting, it was
[01:19:46] felt it was exciting, it was pleasurable, but they just kind of felt
[01:19:49] pleasurable, but they just kind of felt maybe a little disappointed in
[01:19:51] maybe a little disappointed in themselves or they felt a little bit,
[01:19:53] themselves or they felt a little bit, you know, not great about the whole
[01:19:55] you know, not great about the whole experience. They felt maybe a little
[01:19:57] experience. They felt maybe a little empty and disconnected. And then there's
[01:19:59] empty and disconnected. And then there's a whole third of people who felt like it
[01:20:01] a whole third of people who felt like it just was a really crummy experience.
[01:20:04] just was a really crummy experience. Look, I think like a quarter of
[01:20:06] Look, I think like a quarter of 40-year-olds I just read are now single.
[01:20:09] 40-year-olds I just read are now single. And, you know, if we look at, you know,
[01:20:11] And, you know, if we look at, you know, the average age of marriage, it's 31. We
[01:20:14] the average age of marriage, it's 31. We have a lot of people in the population
[01:20:16] have a lot of people in the population who are trying to navigate singlehood
[01:20:19] who are trying to navigate singlehood and casual sex and may not be ready for
[01:20:21] and casual sex and may not be ready for a long-term relationship. And so, the
[01:20:23] a long-term relationship. And so, the question becomes, can we look to the
[01:20:25] question becomes, can we look to the data and try to understand what predicts
[01:20:29] data and try to understand what predicts a really positive, pleasurable, exciting
[01:20:32] a really positive, pleasurable, exciting sexual experience
[01:20:33] sexual experience versus one that leaves you feeling empty
[01:20:36] versus one that leaves you feeling empty and maybe a little bit shook, right? And
[01:20:39] and maybe a little bit shook, right? And what we find is, you know, a couple of
[01:20:41] what we find is, you know, a couple of interesting things. First of all, it
[01:20:43] interesting things. First of all, it really largely boils down to motivation.
[01:20:47] really largely boils down to motivation. You know, in other words, if you are
[01:20:49] You know, in other words, if you are looking at the sexual experience and
[01:20:51] looking at the sexual experience and coming from a place where you want
[01:20:54] coming from a place where you want excitement and it's adventure and it
[01:20:56] excitement and it's adventure and it would feel good and to be pleasurable
[01:20:58] would feel good and to be pleasurable and that's sort of the thrill of the
[01:20:59] and that's sort of the thrill of the chase and it seems exciting,
[01:21:02] chase and it seems exciting, you are probably more likely to have a
[01:21:05] you are probably more likely to have a positive experience. We tend to have
[01:21:07] positive experience. We tend to have more negative casual sex experiences
[01:21:10] more negative casual sex experiences when you're doing it because you're
[01:21:12] when you're doing it because you're secretly hoping it's going to lead to
[01:21:14] secretly hoping it's going to lead to more, but you don't quite know how to
[01:21:17] more, but you don't quite know how to ask for that, right? And again, because
[01:21:20] ask for that, right? And again, because we live in this culture
[01:21:22] we live in this culture that makes you feel like you're needy if
[01:21:24] that makes you feel like you're needy if you ask ahead of time, you know, I'm not
[01:21:27] you ask ahead of time, you know, I'm not quite sure that where things stand, you
[01:21:28] quite sure that where things stand, you know, can you let me know or I can't
[01:21:31] know, can you let me know or I can't quite tell what you want, you know, I'm
[01:21:33] quite tell what you want, you know, I'm really into you. This is really
[01:21:35] really into you. This is really exciting. I love spending time with you.
[01:21:37] exciting. I love spending time with you. I'm really attracted to you, but I'm not
[01:21:40] I'm really attracted to you, but I'm not that into casual sex. So, is it any you
[01:21:43] that into casual sex. So, is it any you know, can we have a conversation about
[01:21:45] know, can we have a conversation about kind of where we are, right? Versus you
[01:21:48] kind of where we are, right? Versus you know, also normalizing phrases like
[01:21:51] know, also normalizing phrases like are you okay if this is just for fun,
[01:21:53] are you okay if this is just for fun, right? Are you okay if this is just
[01:21:55] right? Are you okay if this is just about a night of excitement, right? It
[01:21:58] about a night of excitement, right? It In other words, part of the problem is
[01:22:00] In other words, part of the problem is that because we put so much shame on
[01:22:02] that because we put so much shame on casual sex experiences, we need to feel
[01:22:05] casual sex experiences, we need to feel like we need to hide our motivation if
[01:22:07] like we need to hide our motivation if that's really what we're looking for.
[01:22:10] that's really what we're looking for. And by acknowledging that sex can be
[01:22:12] And by acknowledging that sex can be satisfying in a variety of contexts,
[01:22:15] satisfying in a variety of contexts, what we're really doing is empowering
[01:22:16] what we're really doing is empowering people to say, know what you want,
[01:22:19] people to say, know what you want, right? Go after what you want. Are you
[01:22:21] right? Go after what you want. Are you the kind of person that feels like
[01:22:23] the kind of person that feels like casual sex could be fun, that maybe, you
[01:22:26] casual sex could be fun, that maybe, you know, while you're single and exploring
[01:22:28] know, while you're single and exploring your sexuality again and maybe looking
[01:22:31] your sexuality again and maybe looking for excitement that it could be
[01:22:32] for excitement that it could be something that's pleasurable, great,
[01:22:35] something that's pleasurable, great, right? Don't feel shy about having it,
[01:22:38] right? Don't feel shy about having it, right? Make sure that you find a partner
[01:22:41] right? Make sure that you find a partner who
[01:22:42] who is, you know, emotionally there and
[01:22:44] is, you know, emotionally there and mature and that you really connect with.
[01:22:47] mature and that you really connect with. You know, or is casual sex just
[01:22:49] You know, or is casual sex just something that you know in the back of
[01:22:51] something that you know in the back of your head is not right for you, right?
[01:22:54] your head is not right for you, right? Some of us are just not wired to be
[01:22:56] Some of us are just not wired to be having unattached casual sex and that is
[01:22:59] having unattached casual sex and that is also very okay, right? You're not You're
[01:23:03] also very okay, right? You're not You're not not sex positive if you don't like
[01:23:06] not not sex positive if you don't like hooking up. You're not not empowered if
[01:23:09] hooking up. You're not not empowered if you don't like hooking up. You're not
[01:23:11] you don't like hooking up. You're not not confident if you don't like hooking
[01:23:13] not confident if you don't like hooking up. You just aren't wired It's okay,
[01:23:17] up. You just aren't wired It's okay, right? So, it's just about normalizing
[01:23:19] right? So, it's just about normalizing this
[01:23:20] this and giving people the tools to know what
[01:23:22] and giving people the tools to know what they want so that you can go out and
[01:23:25] they want so that you can go out and choose and only agree to the sexual
[01:23:28] choose and only agree to the sexual experiences that truly make you happy.
[01:23:30] experiences that truly make you happy. What I love about the question you just
[01:23:32] What I love about the question you just gave us, "Are you okay if this is just
[01:23:35] gave us, "Are you okay if this is just for fun tonight?"
[01:23:36] for fun tonight?" >> Yeah.
[01:23:36] >> Yeah. is that before you ask it of the other
[01:23:38] is that before you ask it of the other person, you should ask it of yourself.
[01:23:40] person, you should ask it of yourself. Yes, exactly.
[01:23:42] Yes, exactly. >> we gaslight ourselves, women in
[01:23:44] >> we gaslight ourselves, women in particular,
[01:23:45] particular, into believing that if I go along with
[01:23:47] into believing that if I go along with the casual sex, if I drink and I'm down
[01:23:51] the casual sex, if I drink and I'm down to you know what, that somehow that's
[01:23:54] to you know what, that somehow that's going to lead to something meaningful
[01:23:56] going to lead to something meaningful and long-term. Right. Now, in the
[01:23:58] and long-term. Right. Now, in the research, is there any breakdown in
[01:24:00] research, is there any breakdown in terms of
[01:24:02] terms of men versus women? There are some gender
[01:24:05] men versus women? There are some gender differences, but they're not nearly as
[01:24:08] differences, but they're not nearly as extreme as what the media portrays them
[01:24:11] extreme as what the media portrays them to be. And we see this in the
[01:24:12] to be. And we see this in the literature, but we also I mean, I can
[01:24:14] literature, but we also I mean, I can even just tell you when I pull the
[01:24:16] even just tell you when I pull the thousands and thousands of students that
[01:24:19] thousands and thousands of students that come through my class and I look, for
[01:24:21] come through my class and I look, for example, at that group that says the
[01:24:24] example, at that group that says the casual sex experience was amazing, there
[01:24:26] casual sex experience was amazing, there are slightly more men than women who
[01:24:29] are slightly more men than women who report that, but the difference is not
[01:24:32] report that, but the difference is not nearly as big as you might think, right?
[01:24:35] nearly as big as you might think, right? And one group the data does show is
[01:24:37] And one group the data does show is particularly good at having positive
[01:24:40] particularly good at having positive sexual casual sex experiences
[01:24:43] sexual casual sex experiences are [snorts] older women who might be
[01:24:45] are [snorts] older women who might be newly single and maybe don't feel like
[01:24:48] newly single and maybe don't feel like they have the pressure to settle down
[01:24:51] they have the pressure to settle down and they you know feel a bit more
[01:24:53] and they you know feel a bit more confident and they they feel like
[01:24:55] confident and they they feel like they're better able to speak up, right?
[01:24:56] they're better able to speak up, right? And that does a couple of things because
[01:24:59] And that does a couple of things because if you're in that position, you'll feel
[01:25:01] if you're in that position, you'll feel better asking for what it is that brings
[01:25:04] better asking for what it is that brings you pleasure. So, in other words, if you
[01:25:08] you pleasure. So, in other words, if you are having an orgasm, if it's truly
[01:25:10] are having an orgasm, if it's truly pleasurable, it's more likely to be a
[01:25:12] pleasurable, it's more likely to be a positive experience for you.
[01:25:15] positive experience for you. I don't want to under emphasize or
[01:25:18] I don't want to under emphasize or dismiss the fact that yes, a sexual
[01:25:20] dismiss the fact that yes, a sexual double standard still exists. Women are
[01:25:22] double standard still exists. Women are going to be judged more harshly. It's
[01:25:24] going to be judged more harshly. It's also more dangerous because they're
[01:25:26] also more dangerous because they're physically smaller on average, for sure.
[01:25:28] physically smaller on average, for sure. Casual sex does for that reason carry
[01:25:31] Casual sex does for that reason carry more risks, but I think that, you know,
[01:25:34] more risks, but I think that, you know, I mean in terms of emotional intimacy,
[01:25:36] I mean in terms of emotional intimacy, yes, there is data showing that for
[01:25:39] yes, there is data showing that for women, especially when there is
[01:25:42] women, especially when there is emotional intimacy, they tend to be more
[01:25:45] emotional intimacy, they tend to be more likely to enjoy sex and to have orgasms.
[01:25:49] likely to enjoy sex and to have orgasms. Here's another listener question. We
[01:25:51] Here's another listener question. We have two kids. We're exhausted and our
[01:25:53] have two kids. We're exhausted and our house has zero privacy. By the time we
[01:25:55] house has zero privacy. By the time we get to bed, we're done. How do you
[01:25:57] get to bed, we're done. How do you rebuild a sex life when life is chaos
[01:26:00] rebuild a sex life when life is chaos and you can't just quote schedule a date
[01:26:02] and you can't just quote schedule a date night every week? I mean, isn't that the
[01:26:04] night every week? I mean, isn't that the fundamental challenge? And I I can
[01:26:05] fundamental challenge? And I I can really relate to this, you know, I've
[01:26:07] really relate to this, you know, I've got two teenagers, an 11-year-old, and I
[01:26:10] got two teenagers, an 11-year-old, and I remember especially when they were a lot
[01:26:11] remember especially when they were a lot younger, it's exhausting. It's hard to
[01:26:14] younger, it's exhausting. It's hard to carve out time where it's just the two
[01:26:16] carve out time where it's just the two of you, and yeah, the scheduling sucks,
[01:26:19] of you, and yeah, the scheduling sucks, and the date night, it just feels like
[01:26:21] and the date night, it just feels like such tired advice, right? The first
[01:26:24] such tired advice, right? The first thing I want to say though is that your
[01:26:27] thing I want to say though is that your kids deserve to have parents that have a
[01:26:30] kids deserve to have parents that have a healthy sex life because, like we talked
[01:26:33] healthy sex life because, like we talked about in the beginning of this podcast,
[01:26:36] about in the beginning of this podcast, sex and pleasure are critical for your
[01:26:40] sex and pleasure are critical for your well-being. The more that you can
[01:26:42] well-being. The more that you can prioritize pleasure in your lives, the
[01:26:45] prioritize pleasure in your lives, the more sense of joy and connection that
[01:26:49] more sense of joy and connection that you can model towards each other,
[01:26:51] you can model towards each other, the better parents you're going to be,
[01:26:54] the better parents you're going to be, right? I think a big struggle parents
[01:26:57] right? I think a big struggle parents have is that they just don't understand
[01:27:00] have is that they just don't understand how important this aspect of their life
[01:27:03] how important this aspect of their life is, not just to the relationship, but to
[01:27:05] is, not just to the relationship, but to their own well-being. And so, yeah, it
[01:27:08] their own well-being. And so, yeah, it does mean
[01:27:09] does mean figuring out not just a date night, but
[01:27:13] figuring out not just a date night, but again, this intimacy date where you're
[01:27:15] again, this intimacy date where you're finding what is the emotional state that
[01:27:18] finding what is the emotional state that I need to get into in order to feel
[01:27:21] I need to get into in order to feel turned on for sex. How do I like you to
[01:27:25] turned on for sex. How do I like you to initiate? How do I like you to talk to
[01:27:28] initiate? How do I like you to talk to me before we have sex? Are there ways
[01:27:31] me before we have sex? Are there ways that we can set the mood ahead of time?
[01:27:34] that we can set the mood ahead of time? Should we be experimenting because if
[01:27:36] Should we be experimenting because if we're looking forward to a different
[01:27:38] we're looking forward to a different type of novelty, then it could be
[01:27:42] type of novelty, then it could be something that kind of peaks our
[01:27:43] something that kind of peaks our interest and gets us excited and makes
[01:27:45] interest and gets us excited and makes us pay attention to the moment more,
[01:27:47] us pay attention to the moment more, right? So, if you're having these
[01:27:48] right? So, if you're having these conversations and engaging in the
[01:27:51] conversations and engaging in the non-sexual physical touch and setting a
[01:27:54] non-sexual physical touch and setting a apart time when you can connect,
[01:27:57] apart time when you can connect, it will happen, right? It will
[01:27:59] it will happen, right? It will absolutely be something that you can
[01:28:02] absolutely be something that you can just simply close the door at night and
[01:28:04] just simply close the door at night and know that you're actually doing a
[01:28:07] know that you're actually doing a service to your kids by showing them
[01:28:10] service to your kids by showing them that mom and dad have an area in their
[01:28:12] that mom and dad have an area in their life that is just about each other.
[01:28:15] life that is just about each other. That's just about their own
[01:28:16] That's just about their own relationship, their own connection. That
[01:28:19] relationship, their own connection. That the kids are yes, critically important,
[01:28:23] the kids are yes, critically important, but they don't always have to be the
[01:28:25] but they don't always have to be the absolute center of your life 24 hours a
[01:28:28] absolute center of your life 24 hours a day, 60 minutes out of every hour. You
[01:28:31] day, 60 minutes out of every hour. You can take 30 minutes for just the two of
[01:28:34] can take 30 minutes for just the two of you and close the door and they will be
[01:28:35] you and close the door and they will be okay. They will be better off for it and
[01:28:38] okay. They will be better off for it and you'll be a happier person and better
[01:28:40] you'll be a happier person and better parent.
[01:28:41] parent. >> I love that. You know, one of the things
[01:28:43] >> I love that. You know, one of the things that changed my sex life with Chris was
[01:28:46] that changed my sex life with Chris was when we started having sex before Yes.
[01:28:49] when we started having sex before Yes. >> we went out. Because I always felt
[01:28:50] >> we went out. Because I always felt bloated or a little drunk or whatever
[01:28:53] bloated or a little drunk or whatever when we, you know, came back from a date
[01:28:55] when we, you know, came back from a date night. Um and then I didn't want to, but
[01:28:58] night. Um and then I didn't want to, but if you have a babysitter or a sister or
[01:29:01] if you have a babysitter or a sister or friend coming over anyway to watch the
[01:29:03] friend coming over anyway to watch the kids,
[01:29:04] kids, >> Have them come an hour early.
[01:29:05] >> Have them come an hour early. >> like,
[01:29:06] >> like, "Okay, [laughter] great. We're going to
[01:29:07] "Okay, [laughter] great. We're going to go get ready."
[01:29:08] go get ready." >> Yes. And then you're having secret sex.
[01:29:11] >> Yes. And then you're having secret sex. >> Exactly. Which is pretty hot. Very hot.
[01:29:14] >> Exactly. Which is pretty hot. Very hot. >> you have it before you feel bloated
[01:29:15] >> you have it before you feel bloated after the meal. And
[01:29:16] after the meal. And >> Yes. And if you're a parent and have a
[01:29:18] >> Yes. And if you're a parent and have a million responsibilities, not only are
[01:29:21] million responsibilities, not only are you full and bloated and a little bit
[01:29:23] you full and bloated and a little bit drunk when you get home and not as able
[01:29:26] drunk when you get home and not as able to experience pleasure, you're also
[01:29:28] to experience pleasure, you're also exhausted. I mean, you started out
[01:29:30] exhausted. I mean, you started out tired. After that night, you're going to
[01:29:32] tired. After that night, you're going to be really tired. So yes, have the
[01:29:34] be really tired. So yes, have the babysitter come an hour earlier and
[01:29:38] babysitter come an hour earlier and enjoy it then.
[01:29:40] enjoy it then. >> [laughter]
[01:29:40] >> [laughter] >> I love that. But I love the larger
[01:29:42] >> I love that. But I love the larger context that you deserve
[01:29:45] context that you deserve pleasure in your life. Yes.
[01:29:46] pleasure in your life. Yes. >> And it makes your whole life better.
[01:29:48] >> And it makes your whole life better. Um
[01:29:49] Um this question is so relatable because
[01:29:52] this question is so relatable because it's about sex, pleasure, and how you
[01:29:54] it's about sex, pleasure, and how you feel about your body.
[01:29:56] feel about your body. And this listener writes, "After
[01:29:57] And this listener writes, "After menopause and weight changes, I don't
[01:29:59] menopause and weight changes, I don't feel sexy anymore.
[01:30:01] feel sexy anymore. I'm so in my head during sex that I
[01:30:03] I'm so in my head during sex that I can't relax. I avoid intimacy because
[01:30:05] can't relax. I avoid intimacy because I'm embarrassed. How do I get out of
[01:30:07] I'm embarrassed. How do I get out of that spiral and feel desire again when I
[01:30:11] that spiral and feel desire again when I don't like my body? This is so
[01:30:13] don't like my body? This is so incredibly common and there's so much
[01:30:15] incredibly common and there's so much research coming out just about, first of
[01:30:18] research coming out just about, first of all, how much body image can get in the
[01:30:20] all, how much body image can get in the way of our ability to enjoy sex. It
[01:30:23] way of our ability to enjoy sex. It really can, as this listener is
[01:30:24] really can, as this listener is describing, bring you out of your head.
[01:30:27] describing, bring you out of your head. Start judging yourself from a
[01:30:29] Start judging yourself from a third-party perspective during sex where
[01:30:32] third-party perspective during sex where you're thinking about, "Oh my god, you
[01:30:34] you're thinking about, "Oh my god, you know, my stomach, my thighs. Oh god,
[01:30:37] know, my stomach, my thighs. Oh god, what do I look like from this angle?"
[01:30:40] what do I look like from this angle?" And this [snorts] is not being helped by
[01:30:42] And this [snorts] is not being helped by the media which is showing us, again,
[01:30:44] the media which is showing us, again, totally unrealistic, airbrushed,
[01:30:47] totally unrealistic, airbrushed, AI-generated images of bodies that are
[01:30:50] AI-generated images of bodies that are not attainable for 99.99%
[01:30:54] not attainable for 99.99% of us.
[01:30:55] of us. Um and it's just creating a level of
[01:31:00] Um and it's just creating a level of insecurity and anxiety that is literally
[01:31:03] insecurity and anxiety that is literally activating the exact parts of your brain
[01:31:05] activating the exact parts of your brain that need to quiet in order to enjoy
[01:31:08] that need to quiet in order to enjoy sex. So, the question
[01:31:10] sex. So, the question is what's the antidote? The most
[01:31:12] is what's the antidote? The most effective
[01:31:15] effective tool that you can develop to treat body
[01:31:18] tool that you can develop to treat body image issues and their a
[01:31:20] image issues and their a impact on your sex life is to develop
[01:31:24] impact on your sex life is to develop a sense of sexual mindfulness. It is a
[01:31:28] a sense of sexual mindfulness. It is a practice that is similar to other types
[01:31:31] practice that is similar to other types of mindfulness that you might practice
[01:31:33] of mindfulness that you might practice in the rest of your life, but it
[01:31:35] in the rest of your life, but it literally means during sex bringing
[01:31:39] literally means during sex bringing attention back to your breath. Bringing
[01:31:43] attention back to your breath. Bringing attention back to the sensations that
[01:31:46] attention back to the sensations that are in your body. Looking and focusing
[01:31:49] are in your body. Looking and focusing on exactly the sexual cues that are
[01:31:53] on exactly the sexual cues that are emanating from your partner and allowing
[01:31:55] emanating from your partner and allowing those to guide the sexual experience.
[01:31:58] those to guide the sexual experience. Now,
[01:31:59] Now, just like when somebody tries to
[01:32:01] just like when somebody tries to meditate, it's going to be natural while
[01:32:04] meditate, it's going to be natural while you're trying to do that for these ideas
[01:32:06] you're trying to do that for these ideas of oh my god, what does my stomach look
[01:32:08] of oh my god, what does my stomach look like or what do I look like from this
[01:32:09] like or what do I look like from this angle?
[01:32:10] angle? That's natural. Just notice those
[01:32:13] That's natural. Just notice those thoughts and allow them to pass out of
[01:32:16] thoughts and allow them to pass out of your brain. Right? Because the reality
[01:32:19] your brain. Right? Because the reality is that the person you're having sex
[01:32:21] is that the person you're having sex with, they're psyched to be there,
[01:32:23] with, they're psyched to be there, right? They're not sitting there judging
[01:32:25] right? They're not sitting there judging what you look like. And the reality is
[01:32:28] what you look like. And the reality is that
[01:32:29] that you don't need to have a perfect body.
[01:32:32] you don't need to have a perfect body. You do not need to be hairless to or
[01:32:35] You do not need to be hairless to or have perfectly sized genitals to have
[01:32:38] have perfectly sized genitals to have incredible sex. I think it's it's hard
[01:32:41] incredible sex. I think it's it's hard to tell people,
[01:32:43] to tell people, you know, and this is where
[01:32:44] you know, and this is where I think the body positivity movement has
[01:32:46] I think the body positivity movement has been both helpful, but also let us
[01:32:49] been both helpful, but also let us astray a little bit in that sometimes
[01:32:52] astray a little bit in that sometimes it's not going to feel realistic to
[01:32:54] it's not going to feel realistic to think I love my body, right? I I love my
[01:32:58] think I love my body, right? I I love my body. I love how I look, but I think for
[01:33:00] body. I love how I look, but I think for some women that's just sort of not
[01:33:02] some women that's just sort of not really realistic expectation. But if you
[01:33:05] really realistic expectation. But if you look in front of the mirror, right? And
[01:33:07] look in front of the mirror, right? And you're standing there naked, you can
[01:33:10] you're standing there naked, you can probably find a part of yourself that
[01:33:12] probably find a part of yourself that you do love. Maybe it's your collarbone.
[01:33:15] you do love. Maybe it's your collarbone. Maybe it's your lips. Maybe it's your
[01:33:17] Maybe it's your lips. Maybe it's your eyes. Maybe it's your hair, your legs,
[01:33:20] eyes. Maybe it's your hair, your legs, right? Your butt. And just focus on
[01:33:23] right? Your butt. And just focus on that, right? You know, I remember after
[01:33:26] that, right? You know, I remember after each of my pregnancies, right? I gained
[01:33:28] each of my pregnancies, right? I gained like 70 lb for each one. And your body
[01:33:31] like 70 lb for each one. And your body is just fundamentally different after
[01:33:34] is just fundamentally different after having kids.
[01:33:35] having kids. But for me, I know what was really
[01:33:37] But for me, I know what was really helpful was instead of focusing on oh my
[01:33:40] helpful was instead of focusing on oh my gosh, my belly. I have a pooch now and
[01:33:42] gosh, my belly. I have a pooch now and I'm heavier.
[01:33:43] I'm heavier. My body had just done something
[01:33:45] My body had just done something incredible. It had just produced a life,
[01:33:48] incredible. It had just produced a life, right? If we can start appreciating our
[01:33:51] right? If we can start appreciating our bodies for what they do for us. They get
[01:33:54] bodies for what they do for us. They get us to the places we want to go. They
[01:33:56] us to the places we want to go. They allow us to live the lives that we do,
[01:34:00] allow us to live the lives that we do, like you start to have more of an
[01:34:01] like you start to have more of an appreciation for your body beyond just
[01:34:04] appreciation for your body beyond just how it looks. You are desirable exactly
[01:34:08] how it looks. You are desirable exactly the way you are. Your body, your
[01:34:11] the way you are. Your body, your genitals don't need to be perfect. It is
[01:34:14] genitals don't need to be perfect. It is just a question of practicing
[01:34:16] just a question of practicing mindfulness, being at home in your body,
[01:34:19] mindfulness, being at home in your body, noticing those things when they get in
[01:34:20] noticing those things when they get in your way, and just bringing your
[01:34:22] your way, and just bringing your sensations back home where they belong.
[01:34:25] sensations back home where they belong. Maybe this is too pragmatic of a way to
[01:34:26] Maybe this is too pragmatic of a way to look at this, but one of the things that
[01:34:28] look at this, but one of the things that you've really also taught us, Dr.
[01:34:31] you've really also taught us, Dr. McNichols, is that the parts of your
[01:34:33] McNichols, is that the parts of your body
[01:34:34] body that give you pleasure,
[01:34:36] that give you pleasure, they work no matter what you weigh. Yes.
[01:34:39] they work no matter what you weigh. Yes. They work regardless of what's hanging
[01:34:42] They work regardless of what's hanging or shaking or that you don't like. And
[01:34:45] or shaking or that you don't like. And that those parts
[01:34:46] that those parts deserve to get some attention.
[01:34:49] deserve to get some attention. >> Exactly. Exactly.
[01:34:51] >> Exactly. Exactly. >> there's also this like focusing on 99%
[01:34:54] >> there's also this like focusing on 99% of your body that you hate. You got 1%
[01:34:56] of your body that you hate. You got 1% that's still going to give you an
[01:34:57] that's still going to give you an orgasm. So, give that part of your body
[01:34:59] orgasm. So, give that part of your body a little bit of attention,
[01:35:01] a little bit of attention, >> [laughter]
[01:35:03] >> [laughter] >> Yes, amen.
[01:35:04] >> Yes, amen. Dr. McNichols, what are your parting
[01:35:06] Dr. McNichols, what are your parting words?
[01:35:07] words? Own your pleasure and own your
[01:35:09] Own your pleasure and own your fundamental right as a human being to
[01:35:12] fundamental right as a human being to enjoy a healthy sex life and the
[01:35:14] enjoy a healthy sex life and the physical connection and psychological
[01:35:16] physical connection and psychological well-being that that brings with it.
[01:35:18] well-being that that brings with it. Dr. McNichols, thank you, thank you,
[01:35:21] Dr. McNichols, thank you, thank you, thank you for hopping on a plane and
[01:35:23] thank you for hopping on a plane and flying across country and really
[01:35:27] flying across country and really teaching us and empowering us about this
[01:35:29] teaching us and empowering us about this fundamental aspect of improving our
[01:35:32] fundamental aspect of improving our lives, which is really seeing the
[01:35:36] lives, which is really seeing the critical role that pleasure plays in
[01:35:39] critical role that pleasure plays in your life and teaching us ways that we
[01:35:41] your life and teaching us ways that we can be
[01:35:43] can be in control of having more pleasure. The
[01:35:45] in control of having more pleasure. The book is you could be having better sex.
[01:35:48] book is you could be having better sex. Thank you, thank you, thank you for
[01:35:50] Thank you, thank you, thank you for teaching us how to have better sex.
[01:35:52] teaching us how to have better sex. Thank you, Mel. This was such an
[01:35:53] Thank you, Mel. This was such an enjoyable time. I really appreciate it.
[01:35:56] enjoyable time. I really appreciate it. Well, I can't wait to hear what you do
[01:35:58] Well, I can't wait to hear what you do with this conversation. And so, I just
[01:36:00] with this conversation. And so, I just want to thank you for spending time
[01:36:02] want to thank you for spending time listening to or watching here on YouTube
[01:36:05] listening to or watching here on YouTube and learning about sex, learning about
[01:36:08] and learning about sex, learning about your body, learning about having a
[01:36:11] your body, learning about having a growth mindset related to sex. I am so
[01:36:14] growth mindset related to sex. I am so excited. I cannot wait to listen to this
[01:36:16] excited. I cannot wait to listen to this with my husband, Chris. I can't wait for
[01:36:18] with my husband, Chris. I can't wait for you to share this with people in your
[01:36:19] you to share this with people in your life. But mostly, I'm just excited for
[01:36:22] life. But mostly, I'm just excited for you to experience more pleasure in your
[01:36:24] you to experience more pleasure in your life because you deserve it and now you
[01:36:26] life because you deserve it and now you understand the critical benefits of it.
[01:36:30] understand the critical benefits of it. And in case no one else tells you, I
[01:36:31] And in case no one else tells you, I wanted to be sure to tell you that I
[01:36:33] wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I
[01:36:35] love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a
[01:36:36] believe in your ability to create a better life. And what I'm convinced of
[01:36:39] better life. And what I'm convinced of because of Dr. McNichols is that
[01:36:41] because of Dr. McNichols is that pleasure
[01:36:42] pleasure is a
[01:36:43] is a very important part of your life getting
[01:36:45] very important part of your life getting better. And now you got the road map for
[01:36:47] better. And now you got the road map for experiencing more of it. All righty, I
[01:36:50] experiencing more of it. All righty, I will see you in the very next episode.
[01:36:51] will see you in the very next episode. I'm going to welcome you in the moment
[01:36:52] I'm going to welcome you in the moment you hit play.
[01:36:54] you hit play. And thank you. Thank you for watching
[01:36:55] And thank you. Thank you for watching all the way to the end. Didn't you love
[01:36:57] all the way to the end. Didn't you love Dr. McNichols? Oh my gosh, they did not
[01:37:00] Dr. McNichols? Oh my gosh, they did not teach a class like this when I was in
[01:37:01] teach a class like this when I was in [music] college. I'm so glad that you
[01:37:03] [music] college. I'm so glad that you watched all the way to the end. Thank
[01:37:05] watched all the way to the end. Thank you for sharing this with people that
[01:37:07] you for sharing this with people that you care about. Thank you for sharing
[01:37:08] you care about. Thank you for sharing this with women in your life. Every one
[01:37:12] this with women in your life. Every one of us deserves this information and I
[01:37:14] of us deserves this information and I love how the conversation was all about
[01:37:17] love how the conversation was all about pleasure [music] and how it makes your
[01:37:19] pleasure [music] and how it makes your life better. And one more thing, I know
[01:37:21] life better. And one more thing, I know you're thinking, "Okay, Mel, shut up.
[01:37:23] you're thinking, "Okay, Mel, shut up. What video should I watch next?" First
[01:37:25] What video should I watch next?" First of all, I got to say, if that subscribe
[01:37:26] of all, I got to say, if that subscribe button is lit up, hit it. Okay, hit it
[01:37:30] button is lit up, hit it. Okay, hit it because that's one way that you can show
[01:37:32] because that's one way that you can show me and my team that you really
[01:37:33] me and my team that you really appreciate us bringing you these [music]
[01:37:35] appreciate us bringing you these [music] world-renowned experts for free. It's
[01:37:37] world-renowned experts for free. It's free to subscribe. It's the best way to
[01:37:39] free to subscribe. It's the best way to support us and that way you're not going
[01:37:40] support us and that way you're not going to miss a thing. All right, [music] next
[01:37:42] to miss a thing. All right, [music] next video, right here. And I will welcome
[01:37:43] video, right here. And I will welcome you in the moment you hit play.