# What Makes a Good Life? Lessons From the Longest Study on Happiness

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jnEizYzQl0
Translation: zh-TW

[00:00] I don't even know if I can get through the opening of this I literally am so excited for today
  我甚至不知道我能不能撐過這個開場，我今天真的非常興奮。

[00:11] [Music]
  [音樂]

[00:14] because over and over and over again living a good life is about the things that are right in front of you that you're not seeing
  因為一次又一次，過好生活關乎那些就在你眼前、你卻沒看見的事物。

[00:22] yeah what's the strongest predictor of who's going to be healthy and happy at age 80 when we look at age 50 and when we looked it wasn't their cholesterol levels it was how happy they were in their relationships
  是啊，當我們在50歲時觀察，什麼是預測誰在80歲時會健康快樂的最強指標？我們發現，不是他們的膽固醇水平，而是他們在關係中的幸福程度。

[00:38] as we get older the reality that life is short that it's limited rather than making us depressed it actually makes us happier because what we do is we start savoring life we start paying attention to what's really important
  隨著我們變老，生命短暫、有限的事實，非但沒有讓我們沮喪，反而讓我們更快樂，因為我們開始品味生活，開始關注真正重要的事物。

[00:55] hey it's Mel and I got a question for you what what does it mean
  嘿，我是Mel，我有個問題想問你：這到底意味著什麼？

[01:01] To live a good life, you know, you and I can get so caught up in the stupid things that you forget one of the biggest and most important aspects of your life: that at some point it's going to be over.
  要過一個好的人生，你知道，你我都可能太專注於那些愚蠢的事情，而忘記了你生命中最大且最重要的面向之一：那就是在某個時刻，它將會結束。

[01:15] Will you have lived a good life?
  你是否會過了一個好的人生？

[01:17] You and I are so busy trying to get to the next thing, to make a certain amount of money, drive a certain kind of car, get a certain number of followers, look a certain way, have certain things.
  你我都忙著追求下一件事，賺到一定數量的錢、開某種車、獲得一定數量的追隨者、擁有某種外表、擁有某些東西。

[01:29] But is that really what creates a good life?
  但這真的是創造一個好人生的關鍵嗎？

[01:32] When you lay on your deathbed and you look back on your life, did you live a good life?
  當你躺在臨終床上回顧你的人生時，你是否過了一個好的人生？

[01:41] Well, today you and I are not only going to consider that question, you're also going to learn the secrets to living a good life from an 86-year long study at Harvard.
  嗯，今天你我不僅要思考這個問題，你還將從哈佛大學一項長達86年的研究中學到過好人生的祕訣。

[01:50] It is the longest study that has ever been done on happiness, relationships, and the human experience.
  這是關於幸福、人際關係和人類經驗所做過最長的研究。

[01:57] Wherever it is that you're listening from, no matter how young or old you are.
  無論你從哪裡收聽，無論你年紀多輕或多老。

[02:02] Or how much money you have in the bank.
  或者你在銀行裡有多少錢。

[02:04] What you will learn today will inspire you to live a good life.
  你今天學到的將會啟發你過上好生活。

[02:12] You guys are always asking me what is my favorite recipe to cook.
  你們總是問我我最喜歡的食譜是什麼。

[02:15] Let me show you my favorite thing to cook up really cool thing for you.
  讓我展示我最喜歡為你烹調的超酷東西。

[02:19] I have a brand new training for you.
  我有一個全新的培訓給你。

[02:22] It's called Make It Happen two-part video training free workbook.
  它叫做「讓它發生」兩部分視頻培訓免費工作手冊。

[02:24] Why? Because I love you.
  為什麼？因為我愛你。

[02:27] I love cooking up ways to inspire and empower you.
  我喜歡烹調出啟發和賦能你的方法。

[02:29] And this year's training is all about execution.
  而今年的培訓全是關於執行。

[02:31] It covers science, neuroscience, principles in physics.
  它涵蓋科學、神經科學、物理學原理。

[02:36] All designed to help you not only make a plan but execute.
  全部旨在幫助你不僅制定計劃，還能執行。

[02:42] Because let's face it, you can cook up ideas in your head, but unless you actually take action, nothing is going to happen.
  因為老實說，你可以在腦中構思想法，但除非你實際採取行動，否則什麼都不會發生。

[02:48] So let me help you.
  所以讓我幫助你。

[02:50] Last year, half a million people took my free training.
  去年，有五十萬人參加了我的免費培訓。

[02:52] This year, it's going to be close to a million.
  今年，它將接近一百萬人。

[02:54] Do not miss out on the opportunity to create the life that you love and cook up something really awesome.
  不要錯過創造你熱愛的生活並烹調出真正了不起的東西的機會。

[02:59] Let me help you make it happen.
  讓我幫助你讓它發生。

[03:01] Just go to melrobbins.com slash Make It Happen.
  只需前往 melrobbins.com/MakeItHappen。

[03:04] Happen and you are
  發生，而你在

[03:10] Hey, it's Mel and I'm so glad you tuned in today.
  嘿，我是Mel，我很高興你今天收聽。

[03:16] Holy cow, I I already feel myself getting emotional.
  天哪，我已經感覺到自己變得情緒化。

[03:24] I don't know why I'm so moved by what we're about to talk about, 'cause we haven't even had the conversation yet.
  我不知道為什麼我對我們即將討論的內容如此感動，因為我們甚至還沒開始對話。

[03:31] Um, we're answering the question: what makes a good life?
  嗯，我們正在回答這個問題：什麼造就了美好的人生？

[03:35] Wo, I need to take a deep breath, because the tears are already rolling down my face.
  哇，我需要深呼吸，因為淚水已經從我的臉上滑落。

[03:42] And I'm so moved because I know that this is the most important conversation that you could have.
  而且我如此感動，因為我知道這是你可能擁有的最重要的對話。

[03:54] And I want you to really slow down and pay attention to what you're about to hear, because this really matters.
  而且我希望你真的放慢腳步，專注於你即將聽到的內容，因為這真的很重要。

[04:03] Everything that you are going to
  你即將經歷的一切

[04:05] Learn today is based on the single longest study ever done on happiness.
  今天的學習是基於有史以來對幸福進行的單一最長的研究。

[04:07] This study began at Harvard in 1938.
  這項研究始於1938年的哈佛大學。

[04:13] The study is on its 86th year.
  這項研究已進入第86年。

[04:15] This is not some study where they have people fill out forms and then they never see them again.
  這不是那種讓人填寫表格後就再也見不到他們的研究。

[04:21] They literally track people's lives until the end of their life.
  他們確實追蹤人們的生活直到他們生命的盡頭。

[04:27] It's called The Harvard Study of Adult Development.
  它被稱為哈佛成人發展研究。

[04:29] And the director of that study is here to share all of the research and more importantly what you need to prioritize starting today in order to live a good life.
  而該研究的負責人在這裡分享所有研究成果，更重要的是，為了過上好生活，你從今天起需要優先考慮什麼。

[04:43] There is nothing more important in this conversation because one of these days you're going to find yourself at the end of your life and you're going to look back and ask yourself, did I live a good life?
  這場對話中沒有什麼比這更重要了，因為總有一天你會發現自己處於生命的盡頭，你會回顧並問自己：我過得好嗎？

[04:56] And it is my hope that your answer is yes, that you're proud of yourself, that you're surrounded by people that you love, that you use the time that you.
  而我希望你的答案是肯定的，你為自己感到驕傲，你被你所愛的人包圍，你善用了你所擁有的時間。

[05:07] Had to really enjoy your life.
  必須真正享受你的人生。

[05:11] It is an absolute honor to introduce you to Dr. Robert Waldinger.
  這是我絕對的榮幸，向您介紹羅伯特·沃爾丁格博士。

[05:14] He's the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development.
  他是哈佛成人發展研究的主任。

[05:19] He's also a psychiatrist, a professor at Harvard Medical School, and a Zen priest.
  他也是一位精神科醫生、哈佛醫學院的教授，以及一位禪宗僧侶。

[05:25] He's the author of the amazing book and the international bestseller, The Good Life.
  他是這本精彩著作以及國際暢銷書《美好人生》的作者。

[05:29] And he is here to share all of the research, the secrets, and some very surprising takeaways.
  他來到這裡，分享所有的研究、祕密，以及一些非常令人驚訝的收穫。

[05:35] And I am certain that by the time you're done listening, your life will not be the same.
  而且我確信，當你聽完之後，你的人生將會截然不同。

[05:40] I hope you share this profound conversation with everyone you know and love, because we all deserve to live a good life.
  我希望你與你認識和關心的每個人分享這場深刻的對話，因為我們都值得過上美好的人生。

[05:50] So please help me welcome Dr. Robert Waldinger to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
  所以，請和我一起歡迎羅伯特·沃爾丁格博士來到梅爾·羅賓斯播客。

[05:55] I'm so glad to be here.
  我很高興來到這裡。

[05:56] Have you ever had anybody else cry during the open?
  你有沒有遇過其他人在開場時哭泣？

[06:00] Not during the opening, no.
  不是在開場時，沒有。

[06:02] For me, it means so much because you get what we're doing, and you get why.
  對我來說，這意義重大，因為你明白我們在做什麼，也明白為什麼。

[06:08] It's why it matters, like you know that you really get it, and it's like wow, what could be better for somebody who just wrote a book, really, if you think about it.
  這就是為什麼它很重要，就像你知道你真的懂了，然後感覺像是哇，對於一個剛寫完書的人來說，還有什麼比這更好的呢，真的，如果你仔細想想。

[06:18] So thank you, thank you for getting choked up.
  所以謝謝你，謝謝你哽咽了。

[06:20] You're welcome.
  不客氣。

[06:21] You're, I mean, I mean I didn't do it, like I literally am just so moved by what you're doing, and I really mean it.
  你，我是說，我是說我沒有做什麼，就像我真的被你正在做的事情深深感動了，而且我是真心的。

[06:32] Um, I guess I spent so much of my life causing myself a lot of unnecessary heartache, yeah, and it's because I didn't know any better.
  嗯，我想我一生中大部分時間都在給自己帶來很多不必要的心痛，是啊，那是因為我當時不懂事。

[06:42] And you're not alone, I mean so many of us, myself included, caused so much heartache just by what we imagined was true that wasn't really true about life, true, and also chasing the wrong things.
  而且你並不孤單，我是說我們很多人，包括我自己，僅僅因為我們想像為真但實際上並非如此的關於生活的事情，以及追逐錯誤的東西，就造成了那麼多心痛。

[06:56] And I just know that this really matters, and so let's talk about first this study, so that the person listening has context for why this study is so important, how it is different, and the...
  而且我知道這真的很重要，所以讓我們先談談這項研究，這樣聽眾就能了解為什麼這項研究如此重要、它有何不同，以及……

[07:11] Impact that it can make on their life so.
  它對他們生活所能產生的影響。

[07:14] Can you just tell us about the study?
  你能跟我們說說這項研究嗎？

[07:16] Sure, first of all, nobody would ever have dreamed when the study began that we would still be going today.
  當然，首先，研究開始時沒有人會想到我們今天還在進行。

[07:20] It started in 1938, and it started with two groups of young men.
  它始於1938年，最初有兩組年輕男性。

[07:26] First, um, Harvard College undergraduates, so a very privileged group, and boys from Boston's poorest and most disadvantaged families, a very underprivileged group.
  首先，嗯，哈佛大學的本科生，一個非常特權的群體，以及來自波士頓最貧窮、最弱勢家庭的男孩，一個非常弱勢的群體。

[07:41] And then eventually we expanded to spouses, we expanded to children, but initially it was a study of thriving.
  然後最終我們擴展到配偶，擴展到孩子，但最初它是一項關於茁壯成長的研究。

[07:52] Uh, the question was: what helps people make that transition from adolescence into young adulthood on good developmental paths?
  嗯，問題是：什麼能幫助人們在良好的發展道路上從青少年過渡到年輕成年？

[08:06] And of course, you know, with Harvard undergraduates, we think, well, they've got their lives all set up, they're, they're...
  當然，你知道，對於哈佛的本科生，我們想，嗯，他們的生活都安排好了，他們，他們……

[08:13] Privileged but with the inner city boys.
  特權階級，但與內城男孩一起。

[08:17] And they were on average about 12 when they entered the study.
  他們進入研究時平均年齡約12歲。

[08:22] The question was: how do some children from really disadvantaged homes manage to stay on good developmental path and grow up into healthy, happy adults?
  問題是：來自真正弱勢家庭的一些孩子如何能夠保持在良好的發展道路上，並成長為健康、快樂的成年人？

[08:34] So both groups were studied with the question of what helps us thrive.
  因此，兩個群體都被研究，問題是：什麼幫助我們茁壯成長？

[08:38] And how did the study work?
  這項研究是如何進行的？

[08:42] So you started in 1938, you've got a group of two very different people, right?
  所以你從1938年開始，你有一組兩個非常不同的人，對吧？

[08:49] Or that's the assumption because they come from very different backgrounds.
  或者這是假設，因為他們來自非常不同的背景。

[08:53] And how did the study actually work?
  這項研究實際上是如何運作的？

[08:56] Well, the Harvard group consisted of 268 young men, and the inner city group 456.
  嗯，哈佛組由268名年輕男性組成，內城組則有456人。

[09:03] We started with medical exams, psychological interviews.
  我們從體檢和心理訪談開始。

[09:08] We went to their homes and talked to their parents and sometimes their grandparents.
  我們去了他們的家，與他們的父母，有時還有祖父母交談。

[09:14] Workers made notes about like disciplinary style in the home and even what was being served for dinner in 1938.
  工作人員記錄了像是家中的管教風格，甚至1938年晚餐供應了什麼。

[09:23] And then they were followed all the way through adolescence into adulthood.
  然後他們從青春期一路被追蹤到成年。

[09:27] Some famous people John F was part of the Harvard group.
  一些知名人物，約翰·F是哈佛組的一員。

[09:33] Ben Bradley who was the longtime editor of the Washington Post.
  班·布萊德利，曾任《華盛頓郵報》的長期主編。

[09:35] The Boston Strangler was part of the inner city group.
  波士頓扼殺者是內城組的一員。

[09:41] But most people were not famous, they weren't infamous.
  但大多數人並不有名，他們也不是惡名昭彰。

[09:43] They were just living their lives.
  他們只是在過自己的生活。

[09:46] And then how did you follow them because it didn't end with just this sort of one series of interviews?
  那麼你們是如何追蹤他們的，因為這不僅僅是這一系列訪談就結束了？

[09:52] No, and most studies do end that way, or most studies that try to follow people over times stop before 10 years are up because too many people drop out.
  不，大多數研究確實那樣結束，或者大多數試圖長期追蹤人們的研究在10年期限到來前就停止了，因為太多人退出。

[10:05] So this study followed people year after year with questionnaires.
  所以這項研究透過問卷年復一年地追蹤人們。

[10:08] How's your life going?
  你的生活過得如何？

[10:10] Interviews every 10 years where we went to their homes and sat down with.
  每十年進行一次訪談，我們去他們家中坐下來談。

[10:15] Them and talked about their lives.
  他們談論了他們的生活。

[10:17] Medical exams, um, getting their medical records from their doctors.
  醫療檢查，嗯，從他們的醫生那裡取得他們的醫療記錄。

[10:23] And then, and this is the coolest thing, eventually we brought in new techniques.
  然後，這是最酷的事情，最終我們引入了新技術。

[10:28] So we studied the same big things like, you know, physical health, mental health, work life, relationships.
  所以我們研究了同樣的大問題，像是你知道的，身體健康、心理健康、工作生活、人際關係。

[10:35] But we started bringing in new techniques as science developed them.
  但隨著科學的發展，我們開始引入新技術。

[10:38] So now we draw blood for DNA and messenger RNA.
  所以現在我們抽血來檢測DNA和信使RNA。

[10:42] Those things weren't even imagined in 1938.
  這些東西在1938年甚至無法想像。

[10:48] We put people into the MRI scanner and look at their brains and how they light up when we show them different images.
  我們讓人們進入MRI掃描儀，觀察他們的大腦以及當我們展示不同圖像時它們如何亮起。

[10:55] Again, people would have thought this was like something from outer space.
  再次，人們會認為這像是來自外太空的東西。

[11:01] We had told you in 1938 we could put you in a scanner and look inside at your brain.
  我們在1938年告訴過你，我們可以把你放進掃描儀，觀察你大腦的內部。

[11:06] So it's a really exciting way to see how we can bring in the new tools of science to look at the same questions about well-being.
  所以這是一個非常令人興奮的方式，來看看我們如何引入科學的新工具來探討關於幸福感的相同問題。

[11:15] What is the biggest takeaway?
  最大的收穫是什麼？

[11:18] From this 86-year-long study, the biggest takeaway is that the people who live the longest, stay the healthiest, and are the happiest are the people who have more relationships with other people and warmer relationships with other people.
  從這項長達86年的研究中，最大的收穫是：活得最久、保持最健康且最快樂的人，是那些與他人有更多關係、與他人有更溫暖關係的人。

[11:37] That the people who literally saw more people in a given week, um, the people who felt happier with their relationships actually lived years longer and they stayed healthier.
  那些在特定一週內實際見到更多人的人，嗯，那些對自己關係感到更快樂的人，實際上多活了幾年，而且他們保持得更健康。

[11:50] They didn't develop the diseases of aging as soon, if they developed them at all, compared to people who were more isolated, who didn't care about relationships.
  與那些更孤立、不關心關係的人相比，他們要麼根本沒出現老化疾病，要麼較晚才出現。

[12:02] What was the most surprising?
  最令人驚訝的是什麼？

[12:06] The surprise was not that relationships keep us happier, 'cause sure, if we have warmer relationships we're going to be happier.
  令人驚訝的不是關係讓我們更快樂，因為當然，如果我們有更溫暖的關係，我們會更快樂。

[12:13] The surprise was that they keep us physically healthier.
  令人驚訝的是，它們讓我們身體更健康。

[12:15] So how could relationships get into the
  那麼，關係如何能進入到

[12:19] Body and shape our physiology so that
  身體並塑造我們的生理機能，使得

[12:23] Good relationships make it less likely that we'll get coronary artery disease.
  良好的關係能降低我們罹患冠狀動脈疾病的機率。

[12:28] They make it less likely that we'll get type 2 diabetes.
  它們也降低我們罹患第二型糖尿病的機率。

[12:33] How is that even possible?
  這怎麼可能呢？

[12:36] So in the last 10 years, that's what we've been studying in our laboratory.
  所以在過去十年，這就是我們在實驗室裡一直在研究的。

[12:40] How is it possible?
  這怎麼可能呢？

[12:40] Well, it turns out the best hypothesis we have with good data is that it has to do with stress.
  嗯，根據現有良好數據，我們最好的假設是這與壓力有關。

[12:51] That relationships are stress regulators.
  也就是說，關係是壓力的調節器。

[12:54] So if you think about it, we're stressed at different times all day long, right?
  所以如果你仔細想想，我們整天在不同時間都會感到壓力，對吧？

[12:59] Like I might leave here and an hour from now something really stressful might happen.
  比如我可能離開這裡，一個小時後就會發生非常壓力大的事情。

[13:04] And I can literally feel my body rev up, my heart rate revs up, my breathing gets faster, all that, right, fight or flight response.
  而且我真的能感覺到身體加速運轉，心跳加速，呼吸變快，所有這些，對吧，就是戰或逃反應。

[13:16] What we know is that if I can go home and talk to somebody, if I can call somebody on the phone or talk to someone.
  我們知道的是，如果我能回家跟某人談談，或者打電話給某人聊聊。

[13:19] At home I can literally feel my body come down and that's what the body's meant to do so it's good that the body gets all revved up in response to stressors to meet a stressor but then it's meant to calm down and what we think happens when we don't have good relationships is that we stay in a kind of low-level fight or flight mode where we have higher levels of circulating stress hormones higher levels of white blood cells ready to fight off danger and that those things gradually break down multiple systems in the body over time.
  在家裡，我真的可以感覺到身體放鬆下來，而這正是身體應該做的，所以身體在面對壓力源時被激發起來以應對壓力是好的，但之後它應該冷靜下來。我們認為，當我們沒有良好的人際關係時，會發生的是我們停留在某種低度的戰鬥或逃跑模式，其中循環的壓力荷爾蒙水平較高，白血球水平也較高，準備好對抗危險，而這些東西會隨著時間逐漸破壞身體的多個系統。

[13:59] One of the things that I thought was really interesting was that in the study that you could determine and predict who was going to be healthy at the age of 80 based on certain things you could see in the present.
  我認為非常有趣的一件事是，在這項研究中，你可以根據現在能看到的某些東西來確定並預測誰在80歲時會保持健康。

[14:12] Can you tell us about that?
  你能跟我們說說這個嗎？

[14:16] Yeah, so we had studied everybody out to age 80 and we thought okay we have all this.
  是的，所以我們研究了每個人直到80歲，然後我們想，好吧，我們有這一切。

[14:21] Information about them year after year after year.
  關於他們的資訊，年復一年。

[14:26] Let's look back at them in middle age.
  讓我們回顧他們的中年時期。

[14:29] So we picked 50, okay?
  所以我們選了50歲，好嗎？

[14:32] Let's look back at everything we know about them and say what are the strongest predictors.
  讓我們回顧我們所知的一切，並說出最強的預測因子是什麼。

[14:37] Since we know what they look like at age 80, what's the strongest predictor of who's going to be healthy and happy at age 80?
  既然我們知道他們80歲時的樣貌，誰會在80歲時健康快樂的最強預測因子是什麼？

[14:44] When we look at age 50, and when we looked, it wasn't their cholesterol levels.
  當我們觀察50歲時，我們發現並非他們的膽固醇水平。

[14:50] It was how happy they were in their relationships initially.
  最初是他們在關係中的快樂程度。

[14:53] We didn't believe it.
  我們不相信。

[14:55] We reanalyzed the data because we said this can't be true.
  我們重新分析了數據，因為我們說這不可能是真的。

[15:00] And then other studies of different groups of people began to find the same thing.
  然後其他針對不同人群的研究開始發現同樣的事情。

[15:05] And that's how you know you have a scientific truth, not when one study, even our study, shows something.
  這就是你如何知道擁有科學真理，不是當一項研究，即使是我們的研究，顯示某事時。

[15:11] It's when many studies point to the same thing.
  而是當許多研究指向同一件事時。

[15:15] So Dr. Waldinger, can you talk directly to the person listening?
  所以瓦爾丁格博士，您能直接對聽眾說話嗎？

[15:18] Because there are so many.
  因為有這麼多人。

[15:22] People that write in and listen to the show around the world who either feel super lonely or they are not happy in their relationships.
  那些寫信來並收聽這個節目的人，遍布世界各地，他們要麼感到極度孤獨，要麼在感情關係中不快樂。

[15:31] What is your message to that person about what's possible for them?
  你對那個人有什麼訊息，關於他們可能擁有的未來？

[15:35] Yeah, well, you know, if you think about it, there are many reasons why you might not be happy in your relationships and there are many reasons why you might be lonely.
  是的，你知道，如果你仔細想想，有很多原因可能讓你在感情關係中不快樂，也有很多原因可能讓你感到孤獨。

[15:50] So let's start with your current relationships.
  那麼，我們先從你目前的感情關係開始。

[15:53] What are the reasons for not being happy?
  不快樂的原因是什麼？

[15:56] So at the worst end, there are really toxic relationships, there are abusive relationships, relationships where we might feel afraid of a partner.
  所以最糟糕的情況是，確實有毒害的關係、虐待性的關係，以及我們可能對伴侶感到害怕的關係。

[16:09] Those are relationships where, when we can, we need to step away if there's violence, if there's terrible emotional or physical or sexual abuse.
  這些關係中，如果存在暴力、可怕的情感、身體或性虐待，我們在可能的時候需要離開。

[16:20] Okay, that's at the extreme end, but most of our relationships aren't troubled in that.
  好吧，那是極端情況，但我們大多數的感情關係並非如此困擾。

[16:24] Way most relationships have difficulties.
  大多數關係都會有困難。

[16:27] You know, I've been married for 38 years.
  你知道，我已經結婚38年了。

[16:29] Do I ever have disagreements with my wife?
  我是否曾與妻子有過分歧？

[16:33] Of course.
  當然。

[16:35] I mean, any relationship with friends or family that's of any importance is going to have disagreements.
  我的意思是，任何重要的朋友或家人關係都會有分歧。

[16:43] So then the question is, are those relationships worth the work of working out difficulties?
  那麼問題是，這些關係是否值得花費心力去解決困難？

[16:51] And in many cases, they are worth the work.
  而且在許多情況下，它們值得付出努力。

[16:54] So then the question is, can you work it out?
  那麼問題是，你能解決嗎？

[16:57] Can you, in fact, first of all accept other people for the things you don't like as well as the things you like?
  事實上，你能否首先接受他人那些你不喜歡以及你喜歡的地方？

[17:06] Uh, just as we hope they'll accept us for the ways that I'm annoying and don't even realize it maybe.
  呃，就像我們希望他們接受我們那些可能令人討厭甚至自己都沒意識到的行為。

[17:13] But then, can you also work out differences?
  但接著，你能否也解決分歧？

[17:16] Can you talk about what you care about, what's difficult for you in the relationship, and see if you and the other person can come to a better understanding?
  你能否談論你所關心的事、關係中對你而言困難的部分，並看看你和對方能否達成更好的理解？

[17:24] Many.
  很多。

[17:27] Times that's possible.
  有時候這是可能的。

[17:29] Tell us about what you learned based on this study and the experience of being lonely.
  告訴我們你根據這項研究和孤獨的經歷學到了什麼。

[17:36] You know, one of the things we've learned when we study loneliness is that the causes of why we're lonely are many.
  你知道，我們研究孤獨時學到的一件事是，我們感到孤獨的原因有很多。

[17:43] And so again, the first step is to think about why do I feel lonely.
  所以再次強調，第一步是思考為什麼我感到孤獨。

[17:46] So remember, loneliness is that experience of feeling less connected to other people than I want to be.
  所以記住，孤獨是一種感覺與他人的連結不如我所願的經歷。

[17:50] So I could be lonely in my marriage, I could be lonely in a crowd.
  所以我可能在婚姻中感到孤獨，也可能在人群中感到孤獨。

[17:59] It doesn't necessarily mean being alone on a mountaintop.
  這不一定意味著獨自一人在山頂上。

[18:04] Can I just stop you right there, because I think I just got something.
  我能就在這裡打斷你嗎，因為我覺得我剛剛明白了什麼。

[18:06] I just probably five years ago was struggling profoundly with loneliness.
  大概五年前，我正深深地與孤獨掙扎。

[18:13] I was extraordinarily busy, but I felt very disconnected from my husband Chris.
  我極度忙碌，但我感覺與我的丈夫克里斯非常疏離。

[18:19] I felt like I never saw my friends.
  我覺得我從未見到我的朋友。

[18:21] I didn't feel connected to the community that I lived in.
  我感覺與我居住的社區沒有連結。

[18:24] Yeah, and even.
  是的，甚至。

[18:30] Though I was surrounded by people all the time and on planes at work even standing in the kitchen with my husband Chris, I felt this deep sense of disconnection.
  雖然我身邊總是人來人往，在飛機上、工作中，甚至和丈夫克里斯一起站在廚房裡，我卻感到一種深深的疏離感。

[18:41] But I read it as something is wrong with me.
  但我把它解讀成自己出了問題。

[18:46] As just this sort of indictment that I've done something.
  就像是一種對我的指控，認為我做錯了什麼。

[18:53] And the way that you just said it, I had this little epiphany where I was like, oh wait a minute.
  而你剛才說這話的方式，讓我突然有了一個小頓悟，心想：喔，等一下。

[18:59] What if when you feel lonely, it's just like a signal, sort of like hunger or thirst, that there's something that you want?
  如果感到孤獨只是一種信號，就像飢餓或口渴一樣，表示你渴望某樣東西呢？

[19:06] There's nothing wrong with you other than the fact that you need human connection.
  你沒有什麼問題，只是你需要人與人之間的連結。

[19:09] You need this feeling of belonging in your relationships.
  你需要這種在關係中的歸屬感。

[19:14] So I just wanted to make sure that as you're listening, that I highlighted that.
  所以我只是想確保，在你聆聽的過程中，我已經強調了這一點。

[19:18] And so one takeaway already is in those moments where you find yourself lonely, catch yourself on that default of making yourself wrong and go, oh wait a minute.
  所以一個重點已經浮現：在那些你感到孤獨的時刻，要察覺自己那種習慣性自責的傾向，然後說：喔，等一下。

[19:32] Remember from this interview that I heard that this is actually a signal that there's something to do exactly that is perfect, you know.
  從這次訪談中記得，我聽說這其實是一個信號，表示有某件事要做，正是完美的，你知道。

[19:42] And that moment of making yourself wrong or making the world wrong, that if we can get out of the mode of blaming anybody but just say, "Oh, this means I want connection," it can be so helpful.
  而那個讓自己錯或讓世界錯的時刻，如果我們能擺脫責怪任何人的模式，只說「哦，這表示我想要連結」，這會非常有幫助。

[19:56] And actually, when couples come into Y and they're angry at each other, often what you get to help them see is that underneath what they're yearning for is, "I want to be closer to you."
  實際上，當伴侶來到Y並對彼此生氣時，你常能幫助他們看到的是，他們內心渴望的是「我想更靠近你」。

[20:09] And that once they get that, oh my gosh, everything changes.
  而一旦他們明白了，天哪，一切都改變了。

[20:13] So once we stop blaming ourselves or anybody else and we just say, "Oh, I'd like more connection," what's making that difficult right now?
  所以一旦我們停止責怪自己或任何人，只說「哦，我想要更多連結」，是什麼讓這變得困難？

[20:21] And then we start looking at the things that we might be able to do to make more connection.
  然後我們開始看看我們可能可以做哪些事情來創造更多連結。

[20:28] So if you were to take that and turn it into something that somebody...
  所以如果你要把那個轉化為某種東西給某人……

[20:34] can do so if you're listening and you do

[20:36] feel lonely or you're listening and

[20:37] you're like oh I relate to what Mel just

[20:39] said like feeling very disconnected from

[20:41] your partner is a simple step to Simply

[20:44] go up and say I've been feeling very

[20:45] lonely and I miss feeling connected to

[20:49] you yes although that could feel like

[20:54] blame to a partner but many partners

[20:57] will be okay he with hearing that some

[21:00] Partners may just need to hear I'd love

[21:03] to spend a little more time could we go

[21:05] for a walk after dinner tonight making a

[21:08] positive suggestion might be a place to

[21:11] start I feel like I just got really good

[21:15] advice because I tend to go to Chris and

[21:17] just vomit the problem

[21:19] Chris like but making a positive

[21:23] suggestion for connection yes yes

[21:26] because often when we V the problem

[21:29] which I do too at times um when we vomit

[21:32] the problem the other person is like

[21:34] well what do I do about that right but

[21:36] what if we come with a suggestion of

[21:39] something that would help me feel more

[21:41] connected and it can be small it can be

[21:45] you know taking a walk it can be could

[21:47] we plan a night just the two of us to go

[21:50] out to dinner this week something very

[21:53] specific that's not hard to say yes

[21:56] to to try that

[21:59] first now what if you're lonely and what

[22:03] you realize is that I get scared when

[22:06] I'm with other people like I'm afraid of

[22:09] being rejected so that's something

[22:12] that's possible to work on there are

[22:14] first of all books you can read about

[22:18] getting through social anxiety there's

[22:20] therapy for it the perhaps you have a

[22:23] trusted friend or a family member who

[22:26] you could talk to about what it's like

[22:28] to walk into a room and realize that

[22:31] you're afraid that people aren't going

[22:32] to like you because many of us have that

[22:36] feeling so social anxiety is one common

[22:39] reason why we hold ourselves back from

[22:43] people sometimes it's that we need to

[22:47] put ourselves in situations where

[22:49] connection is easier the way to do that

[22:52] they've actually studied this in

[22:54] research the quickest way to make

[22:56] friends is to do something you care

[22:59] about or something you love to do do it

[23:03] alongside other people and do it again

[23:06] and again with those same other people

[23:08] so let's say you love gardening let's

[23:11] say you love pickle ball let's say you

[23:15] love fighting for I'm a protection right

[23:20] anything that you love or that you're

[23:21] passionate about put yourself in a

[23:23] situation where you can do that activity

[23:27] with other people because first of all

[23:29] it brings you in contact with new people

[23:31] it also puts you in a situation where

[23:34] you share something we both are worried

[23:38] about climate change or we both love

[23:40] bird watching so you have an immediate

[23:43] place to start conversations if you're

[23:45] feeling awkward well how do I talk to

[23:47] this stranger and so that turns out to

[23:50] be the quickest way to make new

[23:53] relationships the other thing that's

[23:55] worth remembering when you're thinking

[23:58] about about talking to someone new is

[24:01] it's not going to go well every time and

[24:04] that's okay think of it more like being

[24:07] up to bat in baseball like if you hit

[24:10] the ball one time out of three you are

[24:12] doing amazing and chances are you're

[24:16] going to get a friendly response from a

[24:19] stranger many more times than one out of

[24:21] three most of the time people are going

[24:24] to be kind to you and going to respond

[24:26] well but don't worry if somebody doesn't

[24:29] it might mean that they're just having a

[24:31] bad day or they're not in the mood to

[24:33] talk

[24:34] so remind yourself that it's okay to try

[24:39] multiple times to talk to new people and

[24:42] that sometimes it's going to go

[24:45] well you did a mini Harvard study on

[24:49] your own life yeah and I would love to

[24:51] have you walk us through how you do that

[24:55] for

[24:56] yourself okay what we call the mini

[24:58] Harvard study was noticing how my view

[25:04] of my life changes as I get older as I

[25:09] go through different phases of life okay

[25:12] why is that important why is it

[25:14] important because I used to imagine that

[25:17] once I got into my 20s okay I was

[25:20] supposed to find a profession and I was

[25:21] supposed to find a partner and I had my

[25:24] friends and I was done and I wasn't

[25:26] really going to change very much and I

[25:28] would just go through my life and then

[25:29] die and of course we know that doesn't

[25:32] happen but it's very important to remind

[25:36] ourselves of how much life changes and

[25:39] how much we change so the mini Harvard

[25:42] study is just go find a photograph of

[25:45] yourself maybe when you're half as old

[25:48] as you are

[25:49] now look at that photograph and ask

[25:52] yourself what did life look like to me

[25:56] when I was that age what was important

[25:59] to me and how is it different now how is

[26:02] it the same what are what's important to

[26:05] me now that has always been important

[26:07] but what has changed and what you'll see

[26:11] is how we all grow and change as we go

[26:15] through life and that that's not only

[26:18] okay that's absolutely essential so I uh

[26:22] got a photo of myself I am 27 years old

[26:28] and this photo this was the day if

[26:30] you're watching on YouTube you can see

[26:31] it if you're listening it's a photo of

[26:33] Chris and I hours literally after we had

[26:36] just gotten engaged H and this is kind

[26:39] of halfway through life and so what are

[26:42] the questions that I'm asking myself so

[26:44] the question is what did life look like

[26:47] to you then what was most important to

[26:50] you then um I felt like I had my whole

[26:53] life ahead of me and I was building a

[26:56] life with Chris

[27:01] and I guess what was important to me

[27:04] them was just him and making money yeah

[27:10] like that was the focus like how am I

[27:11] paying my rent because I was a public

[27:13] defender working for legal aid in New

[27:15] York City yeah and it was very hard to

[27:17] pay my bills in New York City on

[27:19] $119,000 a year and so I just was

[27:23] maniacally focused on making money and

[27:26] what is my next career move and how does

[27:28] Chris feel about me and that was the

[27:32] focus in life okay perfect now what now

[27:36] what's most important to you now as you

[27:39] look at your life oh boy um so much I

[27:43] mean if I had to boil it down it would

[27:44] be relationships it would be my

[27:46] relationship with Chris the people I

[27:48] work with our children our friends yeah

[27:52] family and do you feel like you have

[27:54] your whole life ahead of you I do I

[27:56] really do like I think one of the things

[27:58] that has happened for me is that there

[28:01] was a

[28:03] gripping when I was 26 years old

[28:06] everything felt like life or death and

[28:08] that might have been because I had no

[28:11] idea how much childhood trauma had

[28:13] impacted me I was still profoundly

[28:17] struggling with anxiety so I lived in a

[28:19] very fight ORF flight yes space and I

[28:21] had not discovered the

[28:26] lifechanging impact of really working on

[28:29] your inside life yeah and settling your

[28:32] nervous system and you know I would the

[28:35] way that I would put it is I was really

[28:37] obsessed with the curtains on the window

[28:41] what things looked like how expensive

[28:43] they were like how does it look compared

[28:44] to everybody else's and I had no idea

[28:48] how to enjoy the view yeah well and that

[28:52] is exactly what happens to most of us as

[28:56] as a species we get more appreciative of

[29:00] the view right we get less worried about

[29:03] what the curtains look like and we look

[29:05] Beyond to oh my gosh the world is so

[29:08] beautiful the world is so full of

[29:11] richness right because I was so obsessed

[29:15] with the stuff on the surface right like

[29:17] the outside stuff the you know I'm using

[29:19] the curtains as a metaphor but the car

[29:20] that you drive the amount of money that

[29:22] you make the friend group that you're in

[29:24] how much you weigh what you look like

[29:25] where you're buying a house like all

[29:27] that stuff on the outside that it fueled

[29:31] a lot of insecurity and I didn't know

[29:33] what to do with it and so when you when

[29:36] I think about where I'm at now I am so

[29:39] focused

[29:41] on enjoying the view and I really do

[29:45] believe that the best years of my life

[29:48] are ahead of me yes that there are

[29:50] people that I will meet in the future

[29:53] that will be some of my most important

[29:56] relationships and friends that I have't

[29:58] Haven met yet yes

[30:00] yes now one thing I want to say is that

[30:02] when you open this podcast you

[30:06] reminded our listeners we're all going

[30:08] to die life is going to end and what we

[30:12] think happens there's good research on

[30:14] this is that as we get older the reality

[30:17] that life is short that it's limited

[30:21] rather than making us depressed it

[30:24] actually makes us happier because what

[30:26] we do is we start savoring life we start

[30:29] paying attention to what's really

[30:31] important you know the curtains the

[30:34] brand of my car not so important as you

[30:39] know am I good to my family am I doing

[30:42] things that mean something to me in my

[30:45] life right and so what happens is we

[30:48] shed some of the things that when we put

[30:50] them next to the fact that life is short

[30:53] they sort of Fall Away that we realize

[30:54] they're just not that important so Dr

[30:57] waldinger based on the study what do we

[30:59] get wrong about

[31:01] happiness well we get wrong all the

[31:03] things that the culture tells us will

[31:06] make us happy so the culture says if you

[31:09] buy this make of car you're going to be

[31:11] happy you're going to be cooler if you

[31:13] serve this brand of pasta to your family

[31:16] your family dinners are going to be

[31:17] Blissful right that's the message of the

[31:20] pasta ad we see on TV if you use this

[31:23] face cream you're never going to get old

[31:25] you're certainly never going to look old

[31:27] right we're sold all these messages

[31:30] about what will make us happy if you

[31:33] achieve a lot at work people come to me

[31:36] saying I feel terrible because I'm not a

[31:39] billionaire yet and when I ask the

[31:42] question well what's the billion dollars

[31:45] going to be for many of them are

[31:48] wide-eyed they're like deer in the

[31:49] headlights well well I don't know I just

[31:51] feel like I need to become a billionaire

[31:53] so we're given these messages that this

[31:56] is what's important when it turns out

[31:59] that those things don't actually make us

[32:02] happy but they are measurable they're

[32:04] like Badges of achievement and so we

[32:07] want those badges it's sort of like our

[32:10] watches can can tell us okay you've done

[32:13] 10,000 steps today is that really what

[32:17] matters what my watch says or is what

[32:20] really matters how my body feels when I

[32:22] move right and so what we want is to get

[32:25] beyond the badges of achievement to the

[32:28] substance of our life why do we go after

[32:33] all of this wealth and all of the stuff

[32:35] when I think deep down we all kind of

[32:37] know it's not the answer but we can't

[32:39] help ourselves from chasing it you know

[32:42] what I mean yeah well because it looks

[32:44] like something we could get and then be

[32:46] done that if I get there then I'm going

[32:48] to be happy right if I that billion

[32:51] dollars when I reach that billion dollar

[32:53] Mark then I'm going to be

[32:55] happy what turns out is that life isn't

[32:58] like that you know when we say life is a

[33:01] journey it can sound like a cliche but

[33:03] it's not life is an ongoing process of

[33:07] change what that means is we're never

[33:09] done our relationships are never done

[33:12] our happiness is never constant we're

[33:15] going to move from being more happy to

[33:17] less happy back to more happy that's the

[33:20] truth of life even though what we wish

[33:22] for is a final resting place where it's

[33:25] never difficult again that that doesn't

[33:28] exist if you're constantly chasing

[33:31] things and you said getting to that

[33:34] final place like I get that house on the

[33:36] beach I get the money in the bank I find

[33:38] the love of my life all these things

[33:41] that we're chasing chasing chasing

[33:44] because we think that we get there and

[33:46] we will have that exhale and we'll feel

[33:49] what we want to feel yeah how do you

[33:52] counsel people especially based on what

[33:54] you've seen in this

[33:56] study to wrestle with that though well

[34:00] the first is to recognize it to believe

[34:03] it most of us say no wait there has to

[34:05] be a way in fact so I'm a a Zen master

[34:09] I'm a roshi and so people have said to

[34:12] me well you're finally at a place where

[34:14] you're always calm you're always clear

[34:18] about life and I say no some mornings I

[34:22] wake up confused or sad or I feel like

[34:24] I'm doing it all wrong and they say wait

[34:27] no not you you you it can't be you can't

[34:30] have those ups and downs and I say yes

[34:32] me everybody on the planet so the first

[34:35] thing is to recognize it and then to say

[34:39] okay but there are ways that we can work

[34:43] with the challenges that are always

[34:45] coming our way we can work with the ups

[34:47] and downs there's a saying from John

[34:50] kabat Zin that I love he said you can't

[34:53] stop the waves but you can learn how to

[34:56] surf you can't stop the waves of

[35:00] Challenge and unhappiness and anxiety

[35:03] and anger that come our way at times but

[35:06] you can learn how to surf you can learn

[35:08] how to work with them better Dr

[35:11] waldinger I am loving this so much

[35:13] because you are making me think about

[35:17] the deeper meaning of life and here's

[35:20] what I want to do next I really want to

[35:21] get into what do I do what do I do so

[35:24] don't go anywhere make sure you share

[35:26] this conversation with people that you

[35:27] love

[35:28] take a listen to our sponsors Dr

[35:29] waldinger and I will be back after a

[35:31] short break and we're going to dig into

[35:34] all of the steps all of the actions the

[35:36] simple things you're going to do to

[35:38] create a good life stay with us hey it's

[35:40] your friend Mel and I'm so excited

[35:42] because I can finally tell you about a

[35:44] free gift that I've been working on just

[35:46] for you it is a two-part video training

[35:49] called make it happen with Mel Robins it

[35:52] teaches you how you go from thinking

[35:55] about what you want to actually doing it

[35:57] and making it happen I'm doing this

[35:59] because I want to thank you thank you

[36:00] for being here with me on social media

[36:02] thank you for being a fan of the Mel

[36:04] Robbins podcast you made us the fifth

[36:06] most followed podcast in the world last

[36:09] year wow so I've poured my heart and

[36:11] soul into this free two-part video

[36:14] training just for you as a thank you I

[36:16] want to teach you how to apply

[36:19] everything that you're learning to make

[36:21] Real Results happen in your life how do

[36:24] you jump in great question go to

[36:25] melrobbins.com

[36:27] happen last year when I did a training

[36:29] more than half a million of you took

[36:31] advantage of it this year's training is

[36:33] even better again go to melrobbins.com

[36:35] slake it

[36:39] happen welcome back it's your friend Mel

[36:41] I'm so thrilled that you're still here

[36:43] with me and Dr waldinger so Dr waldinger

[36:46] can you give us more advice on exactly

[36:49] how we can implement this wisdom well by

[36:51] doing a lot of the things that science

[36:54] tells us makes us strong

[36:58] so for example not being reactive when

[37:01] we can help it when we can take a moment

[37:03] to stop and take a breath when we're

[37:07] feeling challenged so when we're feeling

[37:09] anxious or angry or scared to just stop

[37:13] and be with it for a moment and say to

[37:15] ourselves okay what's happening now um

[37:19] what's causing it what is my wisest way

[37:23] to deal with this challenge right now so

[37:26] just stopping taking a little mini

[37:28] timeout taking a breath is the first

[37:31] step and then using what I call our wise

[37:35] mind to say okay what has worked well in

[37:38] the past what hasn't worked well so you

[37:41] know you get the email that makes you

[37:43] angry and you want to fire off an angry

[37:45] email and response and you stop you take

[37:49] a breath and you say

[37:50] okay what would be the wisest way to

[37:53] deal with this email that I want to get

[37:56] so mad

[37:58] right and sometimes I'm going to sleep

[38:01] on this I'm going to wait till tomorrow

[38:02] morning and see how it looks to me

[38:04] tomorrow morning now sometimes we don't

[38:06] have that time uh to step back but most

[38:10] of the time we do even if our partner

[38:12] says something that makes us Furious can

[38:15] we not rise to the bait but can we stop

[38:19] and take a breath and say I'm just going

[38:20] to take a moment here to hear what you

[38:23] said and think about how I can respond

[38:27] to you

[38:28] I wish we would have had this

[38:29] conversation two days ago because there

[38:31] no I'm not kidding because there's a

[38:34] text that I sent that I sent in the heat

[38:37] of like an anxiety wave and now I am

[38:41] sitting here two days later it's not

[38:44] been responded to by the other person

[38:47] and I of course am managing the wave of

[38:50] oh my God I wish I hadn't sent that

[38:54] oh how do I deal with this moment right

[38:57] now when I feel this regret that I

[39:00] didn't put myself in pause okay the

[39:03] first thing is you don't beat yourself

[39:04] up about it too late you say okay how

[39:08] what am I going to learn from this so

[39:11] when we feel like we've made a

[39:13] mistake you know failure is fine the

[39:17] question is how do we learn from it so

[39:19] if I and I've done this believe me where

[39:21] I've I've fired off an angry response

[39:24] and then I go oh no you know but then

[39:27] okay how am I going to learn from it so

[39:29] the point is don't beat yourself up step

[39:33] away from that when you can and say okay

[39:36] what am I going to learn here and I you

[39:39] know I have to learn it over and over

[39:40] again I I it's not like I it's one

[39:43] andone well I'll tell you the fact that

[39:45] you're a Zen uh master and you are still

[39:49] struggling with this I literally I'm

[39:50] like why on Earth would you become a zen

[39:52] master if you still have to struggle

[39:53] with the same stuff that we all do

[39:55] because part of what I teach is we all

[39:57] struggle with this that and and part of

[40:00] the wisdom of Zen is to say there is no

[40:03] final place there's actually a saying in

[40:06] Zen there is nothing to attain and what

[40:09] we mean by that is there's no final

[40:12] place where we've got it all figured out

[40:14] and that that's so important to know

[40:17] otherwise we tend to follow people who

[40:20] tell us they've got it all figured out

[40:22] nobody's like that there's nobody on the

[40:24] planet who can who alone can fix it

[40:28] well I want to talk a little bit about

[40:30] money what did this 86 yearlong study at

[40:33] Harvard tell you about the role that

[40:35] money plays when it comes to happiness

[40:37] in your life it's complicated so Money

[40:41] Matters Money Matters what we find when

[40:44] we do research on this is that having

[40:47] our basic needs met is vital so food

[40:51] security like think of the the billions

[40:54] of people who are food insecure people

[40:57] people who don't know where they're

[40:58] going to sleep tonight people who don't

[41:01] know if they can educate their children

[41:03] if they can pay for their medication

[41:06] having those basic financial needs met

[41:09] is essential so there have been

[41:11] estimates in the research of you know

[41:13] you need to make at least $75,000 a year

[41:17] in the US but whatever the the amount is

[41:21] and it's kind of arbitrary it's really

[41:24] can I get my basic needs met and until

[41:27] then that happens we are significantly

[41:29] less happy but then if I make 75 million

[41:35] dollar a year that's not going to make

[41:38] me a whole lot happier than having my

[41:41] basic financial needs met that's

[41:43] important because if I set out to make

[41:46] myself happy by trying to make a lot of

[41:49] money it's a Fool's errand it's not

[41:52] going to

[41:53] happen it's hard though to to really

[41:58] accept that that's true and I've been in

[42:01] situations in my life both when I was at

[42:03] the beginning of my career as a public

[42:06] defender right not making money not able

[42:09] to like make the ends meet I've been in

[42:12] a situation in my marriage where we

[42:13] couldn't pay our bills we were just

[42:16] absurdly in debt and there were leans on

[42:18] the house and there is a level of acute

[42:23] and chronic stress yep and anxiety that

[42:26] you feel abolutely when you cannot buy

[42:28] groceries or pay your rent absolutely

[42:31] and so when you're in that

[42:36] situation I hear what you're saying

[42:38] which is until you can get your basic

[42:41] needs

[42:43] met accessing a deeper level of

[42:46] happiness is going to be really

[42:47] difficult because you're not thriving

[42:49] you have legitimate stress and problems

[42:53] that are overtaking your body and your

[42:55] mind and that's a very very real thing

[42:58] so money becomes a really important tool

[43:01] y to be able to relieve stress and solve

[43:04] some of your problems but if I'm

[43:06] listening closely you're saying it's not

[43:09] the point of your life right and too

[43:12] many of us fall into this trap where we

[43:17] believe because of what we see on social

[43:19] media or what is celebrated in our

[43:21] culture the new cars The Mansions the

[43:25] Jets the all of it that you start to

[43:27] think that it's the point of your life

[43:30] yes yes and so we should think about

[43:32] money as a tool not the point exactly to

[43:36] think well what's the money for and when

[43:41] I answer that is that likely to actually

[43:44] make me happy so we can each do a little

[43:48] internal check what are the times when

[43:50] I've been the

[43:52] happiest was it actually when I had that

[43:57] new car um maybe for a few minutes but

[44:02] was it actually when I had that

[44:05] wonderful time with my niece and we just

[44:08] spent an afternoon knocking around the

[44:11] city of Boston together that was magical

[44:14] for me right so what I know when I check

[44:17] in with myself is that the times that

[44:20] I'm happiest are having experiences with

[44:24] people I care about doing things I care

[44:26] about that they don't happen to be the

[44:28] things that money can buy but if I were

[44:32] making $119,000 a year in New York City

[44:36] darn right Money Matters hugely and and

[44:40] you're absolutely right that it's that

[44:41] it's a level of stress that prevents us

[44:44] from being happy until we have those

[44:46] needs met that was a great question that

[44:48] you asked us to contemplate and so I

[44:50] want to ask you as you're listening to

[44:53] just stop and think back on your life

[44:55] right now and if you think about times

[44:58] where you are the happiest what's

[45:00] interesting is I reflect on that

[45:02] question it is

[45:05] 1,000% when I am out doing something

[45:08] with other people yeah it is being for

[45:11] me anyway outside we're hiking we're

[45:14] sitting and watching the sunset we are

[45:17] out working in the yard we're exploring

[45:21] some new area and it's with other people

[45:25] and these experiences and so I

[45:27] if you can even just switch your

[45:29] perspective and think about money as a

[45:31] tool to help create more of those

[45:33] connections and experiences with other

[45:35] people you have a completely different

[45:37] lens on it exactly and they've actually

[45:40] studied this they actually studied like

[45:42] what makes us happier paying for

[45:45] material things with our extra money y

[45:48] or paying for experiences and what they

[45:51] find is that paying for experiences

[45:54] whether it's you know going to a

[45:56] national park uh tickets to a basketball

[45:59] game going to a museum whatever it might

[46:02] be that makes us happier and it makes us

[46:04] happier for longer than buying a

[46:07] physical object awesome awesome so let's

[46:11] talk about comparison how does comparing

[46:14] where you are in life to somebody else

[46:18] impact your

[46:20] happiness there's a quote from Teddy

[46:23] Roosevelt that I love he said comparison

[46:26] is the thief of

[46:28] joy and what we find when we study this

[46:31] is that people who compare themselves to

[46:34] other people more often day-to- day in a

[46:37] given day you are less happy and the

[46:40] people who don't compare themselves as

[46:43] much feel better about life and better

[46:46] about themselves how the heck do we stop

[46:50] isn't it human nature to compare

[46:51] yourself to somebody else it is human

[46:53] nature but there are situations that

[46:55] pull for comparison and and there are

[46:57] situations that don't and by pull you

[46:59] mean it is triggering you to do it it

[47:02] makes us compare gotcha okay like we

[47:05] almost can't help it yes okay so what

[47:07] pulls for

[47:08] comparison Doom scrolling through social

[47:11] media pulls for comparison when I look

[47:13] at other people's curated lives other

[47:16] people's photos of beautiful meals or

[47:19] great vacations and I compare it to my

[47:22] own mundane life of driving through

[47:25] traffic I think ah you you know uh I'm

[47:27] not living my best life everybody else

[47:29] has it figured out right right so social

[47:31] media if we consume it passively pulls

[47:35] for comparison but what about

[47:39] gardening right what about bird watching

[47:42] H it doesn't really make us want to

[47:44] compare it's just oh my gosh that's so

[47:47] amazing what would you say though to a

[47:49] 20-year-old that's listening to this

[47:51] because we have a huge range of

[47:56] listeners and there's tons of families

[47:59] that share episodes back and forth moms

[48:02] and dads sending to sons and daughters

[48:04] and vice versa and so what would you say

[48:07] to the 20-year-old because the second

[48:09] that you said bird watching and

[48:12] gardening which by you know I'm going on

[48:14] an owl walking date with my husband you

[48:17] know like a tour with a local thing in

[48:18] our community on Sunday and and I can't

[48:21] wait but if you had said bird watching

[48:23] and gardening to me forget it when I was

[48:26] in my 20s I'd be like uh D not listening

[48:29] to this anymore so what do you say to

[48:30] somebody in their 20s who has grown up

[48:33] with a phone in their hand yeah who is

[48:36] now in a generation and in a life

[48:40] experience where everybody's outside

[48:43] life is on display and it makes you feel

[48:47] terrible on the inside about where you

[48:50] are and what I would say is make sure

[48:53] you're spending a lot of time in real

[48:56] life

[48:57] a lot of time away from your phone or at

[49:00] least with your phone in your pocket

[49:02] never taking it out with people in

[49:06] activities that you love so what are the

[49:08] activities that you love is it playing

[49:11] basketball could be just hanging out

[49:13] with your friends doing nothing I

[49:15] actually heard a story today on NPR

[49:18] about how video games can put some

[49:22] people into a state of flow where

[49:24] they're just in it they're just like

[49:27] doing the game and they're not thinking

[49:29] about they're not comparing themselves

[49:31] they're just like just trying to get

[49:33] better at this game now can it can it

[49:37] addict us yes it can but video games can

[49:39] be a a break from this comparison on

[49:43] social media um so there are all kinds

[49:46] of ways to to find those places in your

[49:49] life where you're just in an activity

[49:52] that you love that you're engaged in you

[49:55] know I on that note video games I think

[49:57] it's this is a really important

[50:00] experience to share is that I think

[50:02] they're very different than your kid or

[50:05] your loved one scrolling on social media

[50:07] because the social media and the surfing

[50:10] is passive and video game playing is

[50:13] very active and I remember when our son

[50:15] started getting super into video games

[50:19] my husband and I would be in the kitchen

[50:21] arguing cuz I was a big gamer when Atari

[50:23] came out and played video games all the

[50:25] time and so I'm defending our son like

[50:28] he doesn't need to be outside like he

[50:29] loves it he's really good at it what

[50:30] there's nothing wrong with gaming I know

[50:32] I know you didn't game and I remember

[50:34] having this huge Epiphany once where I

[50:38] went to check in on him one afternoon

[50:41] and he had a headset on and there were

[50:42] seven of his friends playing yeah and he

[50:45] wasn't alone he was not only in a state

[50:47] of flow doing something very active with

[50:49] his mind and solving problems and doing

[50:51] all this stuff but he was talking to his

[50:54] friends as they were all playing this

[50:56] game game together and I say that

[50:59] because I think we often look at what's

[51:01] happening on the outside without

[51:03] realizing oh there maybe something

[51:05] deeper here and with video games it

[51:07] doesn't surprise me that there's not

[51:09] only the state of flow but a lot of

[51:12] people have found ways to stay very

[51:15] connected to other people by playing

[51:17] together yes and that's such an

[51:19] important point because you know we have

[51:22] these stereotypes particularly of boys

[51:25] and young men that well they're just

[51:28] kind of loners and they're on their

[51:29] video games and they're not making

[51:31] connections but what you said is exactly

[51:34] right many young men will say I'm with

[51:37] my friends and we're doing this thing I

[51:39] mean how is it different from playing

[51:41] basketball with your friends now there's

[51:42] a physical element but still there's a

[51:45] connection element in basketball and in

[51:48] some video games that I suspect is

[51:51] pretty similar when you look at the

[51:55] research from this 86 year long study

[51:57] what did the participants say at the end

[52:00] of their life what were their biggest

[52:03] regrets and what were the big lessons

[52:06] Okay the biggest

[52:08] regrets two categories one was I wish I

[52:12] hadn't spent so much time at work I wish

[52:15] I had spent more time with people I

[52:17] cared about almost the number one

[52:21] regret and then the other regret and

[52:24] this came more from women than from Men

[52:27] was I wish I hadn't worried so much

[52:30] about what other people

[52:33] thought and then so those are the two

[52:35] big

[52:36] regrets the things that people were

[52:38] proudest of were not their achievements

[52:41] and many people had achieved a lot it

[52:43] was people it was I was a good Mentor I

[52:47] was a good partner I was a good

[52:50] parent um I uh was a good boss you know

[52:56] was always about the relationships even

[52:59] among people who had won huge prizes or

[53:01] gotten big accolades that's not what

[53:04] they named when they were looking back

[53:07] on their

[53:08] life you said the biggest regret

[53:11] particularly for women was wasting so

[53:15] much of your life worrying about what

[53:16] other people think yeah how do you stop

[53:19] doing that well it's realizing that

[53:21] first of all most of that's not going to

[53:23] matter when we're dead right but

[53:27] what will matter am I treating people

[53:29] well that will matter and people will

[53:32] remember it even after we're gone it's

[53:35] not what people think but it's what I do

[53:38] so one of the sayings I like a lot is 20

[53:42] years from now the only people who will

[53:45] remember whether you worked late are

[53:48] your

[53:50] children and so if you think about it so

[53:52] much of what we worry about like is my

[53:54] boss going to like me are people going

[53:56] to think think I'm a good this or

[53:58] that is not going to matter down the

[54:01] road but whether I was a good ethical

[54:06] person that's going to matter a lot we

[54:09] matter and our Behavior matters but it's

[54:12] not necessarily other people's opinions

[54:14] about whether my curtains were the right

[54:17] shade of blue on the Windows yeah you're

[54:20] missing the point yeah so you said at

[54:24] the very beginning that the single

[54:26] biggest takeway from this 86 year long

[54:28] study on adult development at Harvard is

[54:31] that a good life is made from good

[54:35] relationships so let's focus on what

[54:38] makes for good

[54:39] relationships and let's start with what

[54:42] kind of relationships do you need in

[54:46] order to have a good life yeah okay so

[54:50] there's a kind of Bedrock relationship

[54:54] type that everybody needs which is who

[54:58] has my back so we asked our study

[55:02] members at one point who could you call

[55:05] in the middle of the night if you were

[55:07] sick or scared and most people could

[55:10] list you know several people in their

[55:12] life some people couldn't list anybody

[55:15] and some of those people were even

[55:17] married and they didn't list their

[55:18] spouse wow so we think that everybody

[55:22] needs one person in my world we call it

[55:26] a secure attachment to another person

[55:29] where you feel like if I'm in trouble

[55:31] that person would be there for me we've

[55:33] talked about it on this podcast is your

[55:35] 400 a.m. friend yeah the person you can

[55:37] pick up the phone to at 4:00 in the

[55:39] morning whether it's an emergency or

[55:41] you're just lonely and you need somebody

[55:43] to talk to yeah why does secure

[55:48] attachment matter and what is it how

[55:51] does it relate to happiness secure

[55:54] attachment refers to this idea that we

[55:56] all Bond when we're babies when we're

[55:59] tiny we bond to

[56:01] caregivers and that if the bonding goes

[56:05] well we end up believing that we are

[56:08] lovable and that there's somebody there

[56:10] to love us and that when we believe

[56:13] those things we grow up happy and we

[56:16] grow up brave enough to explore the

[56:19] world right because there's a home base

[56:22] we can come back to so sometimes you'll

[56:24] see on a playground you'll see a parent

[56:27] with a 2-year-old and the 2-year-old

[56:30] toddles off and then at some point

[56:32] they'll run back and they will grab the

[56:34] parent leg it's sometimes called

[56:36] refueling where they're reminded oh yeah

[56:38] yeah yeah yeah yeah home base and then

[56:41] they'll toddle off again and then

[56:42] they'll run back for that kind of

[56:44] momentary re refueling right we think

[56:49] that that's something we need all the

[56:50] way through life so how do I take a risk

[56:53] in my life you may have someone in your

[56:55] life maybe it's your spouse and if you

[56:58] start to take a risk like starting a new

[57:00] podcast you might run it by him and say

[57:03] what do you think do you think I could

[57:04] do this and we need somebody to say it's

[57:07] okay and I'm here even if it doesn't go

[57:10] well I've got your bag right I feel like

[57:12] that's the whole purpose of this podcast

[57:14] for the person listening yeah that it is

[57:17] a refueling yeah that it's a place you

[57:19] can come back to like a home base and

[57:24] hear somebody who really means it say

[57:26] you got this yes you can you can exactly

[57:30] well Dr waldinger I mean talking about

[57:32] relationships and connecting with people

[57:34] I already have a dozen people that I

[57:36] going to share this conversation with

[57:39] and so let's take a quick pause hear a

[57:41] word from our amazing sponsors because

[57:43] they allow us to bring this to you at

[57:46] zero cost and while you're listening to

[57:48] our sponsors take a minute and share

[57:51] this with somebody that you love because

[57:53] as you're learning relationships are

[57:56] what create a good life and Dr waldinger

[57:58] and I will be waiting for you after a

[58:00] short break stay with us hey it's Mel

[58:04] and you know what I want you to stop

[58:05] thinking about what you want and

[58:07] watching videos on YouTube and actually

[58:09] go out into your life and do something

[58:10] about it because action is the answer

[58:12] and the first action you should take is

[58:14] jump into my brand new free training

[58:16] it's called make it happen this training

[58:18] gives you the tools to go from thinking

[58:20] to doing it's packed with science it

[58:22] comes with a free workbook and it's

[58:24] exactly what you need right now more

[58:26] than half a million people are taking it

[58:28] and the fact is you do have the power to

[58:31] change your life and I want to help you

[58:33] all you have to do is click in the link

[58:35] in the caption or go to melrobbins.com

[58:38] makeit happen it's free you jump right

[58:41] in I'm going to be your coach I created

[58:43] it for you why wouldn't you take this

[58:47] opportunity to make your life better go

[58:50] do it do not miss out on the life you

[58:52] could be living let's make it happen

[58:55] together welcome back it's your friend

[58:56] Mel I'm so glad you are here thank you

[58:59] for sharing this conversation with the

[59:00] people that you love I know it's going

[59:02] to make a huge difference and we're

[59:04] learning incredible insights from the 86

[59:07] yearl Harvard adult development study

[59:09] we're here with Dr Robert waldinger who

[59:12] is breaking down the amazing insights

[59:16] from this research study and helping us

[59:18] live a good life one of the findings of

[59:21] the study is that your relationships not

[59:24] only create a good life but they

[59:26] actually make you healthier they make

[59:30] you live longer and so can you talk a

[59:34] little bit

[59:35] about

[59:36] how the connection that you feel with

[59:41] people in your life or even warm

[59:43] connections with strangers helps you

[59:45] manage

[59:46] stress yes I mean there are a bunch of

[59:49] ways it does that one is it makes us

[59:52] feel we're not alone and feeling like

[59:55] we're not alone is vital feeling like

[59:58] someone will catch me if I fall right uh

[01:00:02] feeling like we belong it's one of the

[01:00:04] reasons why feeling part of a group

[01:00:07] matters it's why being excluded from a

[01:00:10] group is so painful we need to feel like

[01:00:13] we belong to feel good about ourselves

[01:00:16] so even the small interactions we have

[01:00:19] like when you you go into the coffee

[01:00:21] shop and you have a nice exchange with

[01:00:23] the Barista who makes you you know your

[01:00:25] lot

[01:00:26] is that moment of connection where yeah

[01:00:29] you know how's your day going and and

[01:00:32] sometimes people will actually tell you

[01:00:33] how they day they'll really tell you not

[01:00:35] just on automatic pilot and that that

[01:00:38] helps us feel like we're with someone

[01:00:40] else and we we belong uh and we're seen

[01:00:43] by someone else can you talk a little

[01:00:45] bit based on the research of why these

[01:00:50] small moments and these small

[01:00:52] conversations even with a stranger

[01:00:55] throughout the week really are an

[01:00:57] important part of living a good

[01:01:00] life what we know is that those

[01:01:03] conversations with

[01:01:06] strangers again help us feel connected

[01:01:09] help us feel affirmed um they did an

[01:01:13] experiment in Chicago where there's a

[01:01:16] there are a lot of commuters on the

[01:01:17] Chicago commuter rail system and they

[01:01:20] assigned some people to do what they

[01:01:22] normally did on their commute which is

[01:01:24] to look at their phones or read a book

[01:01:26] book or whatever listen to music and the

[01:01:28] other people were assigned to talk to a

[01:01:30] stranger and they asked people how much

[01:01:33] do you think you're going to like this

[01:01:34] assignment and the people who were told

[01:01:37] they had to talk to strangers thought

[01:01:38] they were not going to like it when they

[01:01:41] completed their assignment they were all

[01:01:43] asked how do you feel now the people who

[01:01:46] talked to strangers were way happier

[01:01:49] than the people who just sat and did

[01:01:51] what they normally did on their

[01:01:53] commute and it seems that the

[01:01:55] connections we make are energizing much

[01:01:58] more often than not that yes sometimes

[01:02:00] we can get into a conversation we don't

[01:02:02] like but more often than not it's like

[01:02:06] oh it's nice it's nice to say hello to

[01:02:08] you it's nice to complain about the

[01:02:10] weather together um whatever it might be

[01:02:13] it just makes me feel like I

[01:02:15] belong this is something that I have

[01:02:19] always done I always said it was because

[01:02:21] I grew up in the midwest just very

[01:02:23] friendly I just am always talking to

[01:02:25] people I'm always saying hello to people

[01:02:27] I'm the person that gets onto an

[01:02:29] elevator we're staying at a hotel and

[01:02:31] there was this big electrical conference

[01:02:33] there and so we get into the elevator

[01:02:35] yesterday it's probably 7:30 in the

[01:02:37] morning it is full of just imagine a

[01:02:40] group of seven electrical contractors

[01:02:43] okay like get that picture in your mind

[01:02:45] they're all kind of standing there quiet

[01:02:46] I'm like hey guys what's up you first

[01:02:49] silence who is this yeah and I'm like

[01:02:51] how's the conference and they're like oh

[01:02:53] you know and then one guy starts to talk

[01:02:55] and then all of a do like popcorn

[01:02:56] popping next thing you know is we're

[01:02:58] going down the 17 floors we're chatting

[01:03:00] it up and I'm recommending the Almond

[01:03:02] croissant at the bakery in the cafe and

[01:03:04] so I love that and I

[01:03:08] realize

[01:03:10] that it's not even about being

[01:03:13] extroverted because I'm really more of

[01:03:15] somebody I'm realizing who's more Amber

[01:03:17] verted I'm extroverted at work but then

[01:03:19] I'm literally yeah a I never leave my

[01:03:22] house kind of thing yeah but I

[01:03:26] am so energized by it right so how did

[01:03:30] you feel at the start of the elevator

[01:03:31] ride and then at the end can you compare

[01:03:35] a th% I compare as I got out of my hotel

[01:03:38] room alone and I'm checking my phone as

[01:03:40] I'm walking down the hallway and then

[01:03:41] I'm turning right to walk down the other

[01:03:43] long hallway and I'm still on my phone

[01:03:46] and I'm thinking about my workday and

[01:03:47] I'm trapped in my head and then I walk

[01:03:49] over to the elevator and then I hit the

[01:03:52] button and I'm so not present

[01:03:56] that I step on the first elevator that

[01:03:58] dings and it's going up not down so then

[01:04:01] I go up alone in the elevator for

[01:04:04] another seven floors and then the first

[01:04:06] contractor walks in and the second I

[01:04:10] looked at him and I said good morning

[01:04:13] and he smiled and said good morning I

[01:04:16] felt a little burst of energy it was

[01:04:19] like I was immediately now in the moment

[01:04:21] Y and not on my phone I was now present

[01:04:24] with another human being staying at the

[01:04:26] same Hotel the door shut and as we start

[01:04:30] to descend I turn I'm like were you in

[01:04:34] the elevator with me yesterday morning

[01:04:36] and he kind of laughed he's like I don't

[01:04:38] think so and I'm like well you probably

[01:04:39] would have remembered it because I was

[01:04:40] yapping with everybody in the elevator

[01:04:42] but there was somebody in there and then

[01:04:43] the doors open and now we're talking and

[01:04:46] so then somebody else gets in and we I

[01:04:48] say good morning and then the guy looks

[01:04:50] up good morning and then we stand in and

[01:04:52] then the doors open again and so as

[01:04:54] everybody then starts to get on you were

[01:04:57] the greeter yes but the energy in the

[01:05:00] elevator shifted nobody was on their

[01:05:03] phone yeah and we didn't solve The

[01:05:05] World's problems but even just getting

[01:05:09] off the

[01:05:11] elevator and then as I asked her have a

[01:05:14] great day everybody and you know a

[01:05:16] couple people hey you too you know kind

[01:05:17] of thing I was

[01:05:20] present I felt a little less

[01:05:24] alone I felt a lift of Life Force energy

[01:05:29] yep from other people y it shifted my

[01:05:32] mood and it changed the day and and what

[01:05:36] you've developed is a habit of doing

[01:05:39] that and what is worth pointing out is

[01:05:43] that it's a habit we can develop that

[01:05:45] even though it's a little awkward at

[01:05:47] first if you just keep doing it it'll

[01:05:50] become second nature but I had to

[01:05:52] develop the Habit yeah and I think it's

[01:05:54] really important to note something

[01:05:57] that this is really important because

[01:06:00] you

[01:06:01] underestimate how big of a difference it

[01:06:04] makes in your life yeah and I'd like to

[01:06:07] offer one other example of how you can

[01:06:09] do this because I know that for a lot of

[01:06:11] people striking up a conversation or

[01:06:13] making small talk feels either scary or

[01:06:17] trivial and it's not and what I've

[01:06:20] noticed about making this a habit of

[01:06:22] creating what you in the research found

[01:06:25] are quote warm connections and these

[01:06:29] small social you know day-to-day

[01:06:32] interactions is that I notice that I

[01:06:36] would rather feel the way that I felt

[01:06:40] when I got off the elevator this morning

[01:06:43] at the hotel having just chatted and

[01:06:46] saying good morning to people in the

[01:06:48] elevator I'd rather feel that tiny

[01:06:51] little buzz and lift in my mood than the

[01:06:55] way that I feel when I'm Standing There

[01:06:58] Lonely looking at my phone waiting for

[01:07:01] time to pass by that I have realize that

[01:07:04] I have a

[01:07:05] choice about the experience in my

[01:07:08] day-to-day life that I can create for

[01:07:11] myself and so another way to do this is

[01:07:14] you probably go to a coffee shop most

[01:07:17] weeks and simply complimenting somebody

[01:07:21] either on their nails or the shirt

[01:07:23] they're wearing or how good the coffee

[01:07:26] looks and then after doing that three or

[01:07:28] four days in a row saying do you mind me

[01:07:30] asking what your first name is I feel

[01:07:32] like I I come in here every day I see I

[01:07:34] don't even like I'd like to just you

[01:07:36] know I Mel yes and then here's a pro tip

[01:07:40] when you turn around after you say their

[01:07:42] name write their name in your contacts

[01:07:46] in the notes under the uh entry for the

[01:07:51] coffee shop and as you pull in tomorrow

[01:07:54] morning if you're like me you will

[01:07:55] forget

[01:07:56] that Evan is the dude that is at the

[01:07:58] coffee shop at the hotel I stay at all

[01:08:00] the time in Boston I now know his name

[01:08:02] he knows my order yeah yeah because I

[01:08:04] use this and I refresh my memory the

[01:08:06] first couple times so when I walk up I'm

[01:08:08] like oh it's Evan right oh I'm Mel it's

[01:08:10] great to see you again that that small

[01:08:14] thing as crazy as it sounds it makes me

[01:08:17] less lonely absolutely absolutely and it

[01:08:20] makes the other person feel seen Evan

[01:08:23] feels like you see him you're not just

[01:08:26] like doing some transactional thing it's

[01:08:28] like I see you and I'm glad we're here

[01:08:31] together and here's the other piece if I

[01:08:34] could take it to an even more profound

[01:08:35] level like every one of us wants to

[01:08:39] create more meaning in life and you want

[01:08:42] to feel like you have discovered this

[01:08:46] deeper sense of purpose and I will go to

[01:08:49] my grave knowing that I feel that my

[01:08:54] life is more meaningful and I am

[01:08:57] experiencing it at a deeper level simply

[01:09:01] because of this one habit of forcing

[01:09:04] myself to create these warm simple

[01:09:08] connections and conversations with

[01:09:10] strangers as I go about my day it's like

[01:09:13] a it's almost like being

[01:09:16] Tethered to a moing yeah that keeps you

[01:09:21] present in life that keeps you able to

[01:09:24] kind of ride the waves and locate a

[01:09:27] sense of energy and goodness as you go

[01:09:30] about your days no matter where you

[01:09:32] are yes and one of the things I would

[01:09:36] add is that we can't always do it every

[01:09:39] time so sometimes you're going to be in

[01:09:43] a bad mood or you're going to be really

[01:09:45] preoccupied with something and you're

[01:09:46] not going to be able to reach out to get

[01:09:51] outside of your own head and do just

[01:09:53] what you're describing it's okay if we

[01:09:56] can't do it every time yes do it when

[01:09:58] you can well I find that sometimes those

[01:10:00] small things take less energy than

[01:10:03] trying to refuel with a deeper

[01:10:05] conversation yeah from somebody else

[01:10:07] yeah um can you talk a little bit about

[01:10:09] what the study says about the importance

[01:10:11] of romantic relationships to your

[01:10:13] happiness and health and to living a

[01:10:15] good

[01:10:16] life yes so actually um I was uh talking

[01:10:23] about this to a group of people and one

[01:10:26] woman raised her hand and said well

[01:10:28] given all you've said if I don't have a

[01:10:30] partner should I just walk in front of a

[01:10:32] bus now and the answer is absolutely not

[01:10:35] you don't need a romantic partner that

[01:10:39] romance is great sex is great intimacy

[01:10:43] is great and intimacy can be with all

[01:10:46] kinds of people right so it may be that

[01:10:49] you don't have a romantic partner right

[01:10:52] now in your life that doesn't mean you

[01:10:54] never will but if you don't have one now

[01:10:58] there are ways to be intimate with close

[01:11:01] friends with other family members and so

[01:11:05] what we're finding is that these

[01:11:06] benefits of

[01:11:08] relationship don't require a marriage

[01:11:10] license they don't even require living

[01:11:13] in the same place with somebody that you

[01:11:16] can have people in your life maybe just

[01:11:19] one or two who are your close friends

[01:11:22] who you share your life with um and that

[01:11:25] there's no special Arrangement you need

[01:11:28] to have with them now that said what we

[01:11:31] do find in the research is that living

[01:11:34] with somebody in an intimate

[01:11:38] partnership actually keeps you healthier

[01:11:41] longer and helps you live longer but it

[01:11:44] there's no mystery about it it's because

[01:11:46] it's somebody to remind you to take your

[01:11:48] medication when you're older it's

[01:11:50] somebody to remind you to get off off

[01:11:52] the couch it's somebody to to drag you

[01:11:55] out to uh to a gathering when you're

[01:11:58] kind of stuck watching Netflix you make

[01:12:01] it sound so romantic well I know I know

[01:12:04] it's not so romantic but but it is

[01:12:06] really just the dayt day that other

[01:12:09] people make us better by keeping us on

[01:12:12] track it's somebody to get up for it's

[01:12:14] somebody to get dressed for that's one

[01:12:16] of the reasons we find that many times

[01:12:19] when one partner dies the other partner

[01:12:23] kind of doesn't live that long after

[01:12:25] words when we're very old because

[01:12:27] there's a way that living with another

[01:12:30] person helps us stay in the world and

[01:12:34] take care of

[01:12:35] ourselves is that kind of the same

[01:12:37] reason why pets are so good for your

[01:12:39] health oh yeah pets are great first of

[01:12:42] all they get us up they get us to walk

[01:12:44] um but also pets love us especially dogs

[01:12:48] dogs are particularly emotionally

[01:12:51] attuned to their masters pets provide

[01:12:54] comfort in in a way that again literally

[01:12:57] lowers the fight ORF flight response you

[01:12:59] can we can measure it when we're petting

[01:13:01] a dog ah the the body calms down I want

[01:13:06] to go back to something that you said

[01:13:08] you mentioned something about like even

[01:13:10] just having a friend or two that you

[01:13:12] have a much deeper or an intimate

[01:13:13] connection with do you have two or three

[01:13:15] examples that might get somebody's mind

[01:13:18] thinking about things that they could

[01:13:20] plan or do or ways they could look at

[01:13:22] their friendships to amplify them I do

[01:13:26] you know our lives are so busy and we're

[01:13:28] pulled in so many different

[01:13:31] directions and you know what we find is

[01:13:34] that often we want to see people but we

[01:13:38] don't so one of the things you can do is

[01:13:41] set up a regular contact with somebody

[01:13:44] so let's say maybe they're just one or

[01:13:47] two or five people who you say I got to

[01:13:50] have these people in my life regularly

[01:13:52] make it happen I'll give you an example

[01:13:55] my co-author for this book we wrote The

[01:13:57] Good Life is Mark Schulz he's been my

[01:14:01] collaborator for 30 plus years but he's

[01:14:04] also my friend so every Friday at noon

[01:14:08] we get on the phone he's he lives in

[01:14:10] Philly he's not around Boston so I might

[01:14:14] see him once a year in person but for 30

[01:14:17] plus years we've had a phone call every

[01:14:19] Friday at noon and yeah we we do talk

[01:14:22] about research and we talk about our

[01:14:23] writing together but we talk about our

[01:14:26] kids and our marriages and we talk about

[01:14:28] everything now one of us has to cancel

[01:14:33] if we're not going to meet Friday at

[01:14:35] noon that means that it's going to

[01:14:37] happen by default and that means it

[01:14:40] happens much more often than not it's

[01:14:43] rare that we cancel a time what if you

[01:14:46] had a friend like that who you said once

[01:14:48] a month we're going out to dinner so

[01:14:51] what I'm saying is try making one thing

[01:14:55] regular in your life with a friend or a

[01:14:57] sibling or somebody who you just want to

[01:15:00] say I don't want to lose this connection

[01:15:02] I want to tease that out because I think

[01:15:04] this is something that you could listen

[01:15:05] to and kind of Nod along and be like

[01:15:07] uhhuh uhhuh uh-huh and so I want to make

[01:15:09] sure that you really understand what

[01:15:11] we're saying here

[01:15:12] because over and over and over again

[01:15:15] living a good life is about the things

[01:15:18] that are right in front of you that

[01:15:20] you're not seeing yeah and everybody's

[01:15:23] busy and if this matters to you what

[01:15:28] he's recommending is that you schedule

[01:15:30] it as a reoccurring appointment it is

[01:15:33] already set up the babysitter is locked

[01:15:36] in or your friend is on board and so

[01:15:39] you've already done the hard part of

[01:15:41] moving from thinking about it to doing

[01:15:43] it and the appointment itself is what

[01:15:47] keeps you connected like if you have it

[01:15:48] in the calendar it's more likely to

[01:15:50] happen and there's something that I did

[01:15:52] that really helped me tremendously which

[01:15:55] is I have a habit every morning where I

[01:15:59] send a text to a friend or a family

[01:16:04] member just saying I was just thinking

[01:16:06] about you or sending a photo or whatever

[01:16:09] else and if I really do want to get

[01:16:12] together I say I would love to see you

[01:16:15] are you around next Thursday or I saw

[01:16:17] this photo come up on Facebook I just

[01:16:19] say I was thinking about you and we

[01:16:22] underestimate how much it means to

[01:16:24] somebody else and making it a habit to

[01:16:26] do that first thing in the morning every

[01:16:28] morning has kind of fanned The Embers of

[01:16:32] old relationships of people that are

[01:16:34] still friends I just never see them

[01:16:36] people that I went to college with high

[01:16:37] school with people that I used to work

[01:16:39] with like you have many more people in

[01:16:41] your life than you realize and these

[01:16:43] small habits actually help them

[01:16:46] contribute to creating a good life

[01:16:48] absolutely Mel you are the poster child

[01:16:51] for what we call in the book Social

[01:16:53] Fitness these small small actions like

[01:16:56] physical fitness like something you do

[01:16:58] every day to keep yourself socially fit

[01:17:02] and it can be small things like a text

[01:17:05] um it could be you know somebody with a

[01:17:07] long commute like you say well I can't

[01:17:09] add anything to my time well if you have

[01:17:11] a handsfree phone in your car use your

[01:17:14] commute time to talk to somebody instead

[01:17:17] of you know listening to music or

[01:17:19] listening to the news talk reach out to

[01:17:22] somebody there are all kinds of ways you

[01:17:24] can add to your life without having to

[01:17:28] add so much time that you are more

[01:17:30] stressed did the study give you any

[01:17:33] guidance on what makes for a good

[01:17:36] friendship yes several things one is

[01:17:40] what we call authenticity and all that

[01:17:42] means is I feel I can be myself with

[01:17:46] this person like I don't have to put on

[01:17:48] any kind of act I don't have to hide big

[01:17:52] parts of Who I Am with this person that

[01:17:55] that sense of just being able to show up

[01:17:57] as yourself means a huge amount in terms

[01:18:00] of the comfort with which you can be

[01:18:03] together the other thing that makes a

[01:18:05] good relationship is

[01:18:08] curiosity so if you think about it

[01:18:10] especially with long relationships we

[01:18:13] think well I know this person I know the

[01:18:15] what they're going to say I know how

[01:18:17] they're going to

[01:18:18] react bringing

[01:18:20] curiosity even to long-standing

[01:18:23] relationships can be so so good like one

[01:18:25] of one of my meditation teachers

[01:18:27] actually taught me this first he said

[01:18:31] your job when you go sit down on your

[01:18:32] cushion now for the 1,000th time as you

[01:18:36] meditate is to ask yourself what's here

[01:18:40] that I have never noticed before so what

[01:18:44] if you're sitting across from your

[01:18:46] friend at the coffee shop and you ask

[01:18:49] yourself what's here that I've never

[01:18:51] noticed before H and just bring

[01:18:55] curiosity even to the relationships that

[01:18:58] you think are routine mundane you know

[01:19:01] like the back of your hand you know

[01:19:02] what's interesting that I just thought

[01:19:04] about is that if you think about your

[01:19:06] own

[01:19:07] life and you go back

[01:19:10] to like half the age that you are

[01:19:14] looking backwards you realize how much

[01:19:16] you've grown how much you've changed how

[01:19:19] different of a person you are and yet we

[01:19:23] don't get give that same perspective to

[01:19:28] the people in our life like your mom has

[01:19:31] gone through the exact same amount of

[01:19:33] growth even though the habits on the

[01:19:35] outside look the same your partner is a

[01:19:38] totally different human being yes even

[01:19:40] though they look the same to you your

[01:19:42] friends have had so many things happen

[01:19:45] in their life that have changed who they

[01:19:48] are and what they care about and yet you

[01:19:51] still show up and talk about the same

[01:19:54] old sports team and how are the kids and

[01:19:58] there's something so much deeper going

[01:20:01] on yes to notice how somebody has

[01:20:05] changed can make someone feel so seen

[01:20:08] and understood do you have a good

[01:20:10] question like how would you advise us if

[01:20:13] you know you're sitting here listening

[01:20:15] to this and you're considering

[01:20:17] everything and you're thinking about the

[01:20:20] just treasure that is right in front of

[01:20:21] your face with the people that are

[01:20:23] already in your life

[01:20:26] how do you lean in without sounding like

[01:20:28] some weird cheeseball that's just

[01:20:30] listened to a podcast episode and now

[01:20:32] you're like so you know have you thought

[01:20:35] about how much you've changed in the

[01:20:37] last half decade you I'm curious like

[01:20:39] what's a way to like Broach this with

[01:20:42] somebody yeah well one thing we could do

[01:20:45] is notice change like to say you know

[01:20:49] you're doing that differently than you

[01:20:51] used to tell me about that or or you

[01:20:53] know I've noticed this is that right do

[01:20:56] you think that this is more important to

[01:20:58] you than it used to be or you know just

[01:21:00] to notice and ask have I got that right

[01:21:03] I can think about a time when my

[01:21:05] brother-in-law turned to me and he said

[01:21:06] you know you're really

[01:21:09] different than you used to

[01:21:12] be and I just wanted to acknowledge like

[01:21:15] just how much work you've done and like

[01:21:19] how fun you are to be around of course I

[01:21:21] immediately went to make myself wrong

[01:21:22] like wow I must have been a real

[01:21:26] but it was I remember

[01:21:29] feeling very touched Yeah by that yeah

[01:21:34] and so I think that's a wonderful

[01:21:36] suggestion to say to somebody you know

[01:21:38] I've noticed that you know you're a lot

[01:21:40] calmer or that you seem happier or that

[01:21:42] something's off like you don't seem like

[01:21:44] yourself yeah or that you're spending

[01:21:47] more time on this you're spending less

[01:21:49] time on that or you you seem less

[01:21:52] worried about this just anything because

[01:21:54] partly it's saying I notice you I don't

[01:21:57] just take you for granted I think about

[01:21:59] you and how you are that I'm stealing

[01:22:03] that I love that take it I am I'm

[01:22:05] grabbing all this and I'm going to run

[01:22:06] back into my life what if the person

[01:22:09] listening to this is really introverted

[01:22:12] and the idea of these

[01:22:15] conversations just out and about in your

[01:22:18] life make their skin crawl and they're

[01:22:19] like I don't want a lot of people in my

[01:22:23] life that is perfectly fine that many

[01:22:27] people are introverted we're all

[01:22:29] somewhere on that spectrum between

[01:22:31] introversion and extroversion and

[01:22:34] there's no normal there's no better or

[01:22:36] worse that introverts are just great and

[01:22:39] just fine as they are so then the

[01:22:42] question is how many people do I need in

[01:22:45] my life and for me if I'm an introvert

[01:22:48] having a lot of people in my life would

[01:22:50] be stressful it would be one of those

[01:22:53] stressors in my life so instead focus on

[01:22:56] the one or two people who you want to

[01:22:59] invest in and who help you feel good in

[01:23:02] your life don't worry about the fact

[01:23:05] that there are other people out there

[01:23:06] who are party animals and getting their

[01:23:09] energy from lots of people what does the

[01:23:11] study say about raising kids what's

[01:23:14] important to focus

[01:23:16] on

[01:23:18] wow

[01:23:20] um probably the most important thing

[01:23:22] about raising kids

[01:23:25] is providing them with

[01:23:27] stability and love so one of the things

[01:23:30] we know from all the Child Development

[01:23:32] research that's been done I mean

[01:23:34] thousands of studies billions of dollars

[01:23:38] in child development it all boils down

[01:23:40] to what one scientist said he said every

[01:23:45] child needs a stable relationship with

[01:23:48] one adult who's crazy about them and so

[01:23:52] if you not crazy not

[01:23:55] who just loves them who just loves them

[01:23:57] and that doesn't mean affirms everything

[01:24:00] they do it doesn't mean praise

[01:24:02] everything that it means you just love

[01:24:04] them and you're stable and you're there

[01:24:07] they know they can count on you so it's

[01:24:10] the it's providing stability and that

[01:24:12] can be very hard for some of us for some

[01:24:15] families and so you know even through

[01:24:18] divorce for example how do we divorce in

[01:24:21] a way that provides the most stability

[01:24:23] for the kids I don't know how do you

[01:24:26] well you fight as little as you can you

[01:24:30] don't make war with your partner if you

[01:24:32] possibly can help it but you let the

[01:24:35] kids know we're both here for you we

[01:24:37] both still love you and you've got both

[01:24:39] of us and that's not going to change

[01:24:41] even though we're not going to be

[01:24:43] together anymore that's a huge message

[01:24:45] to give to kids a lot of what you're

[01:24:47] talking

[01:24:49] about when it comes to living a good

[01:24:52] life it's about the relation ships that

[01:24:54] you cultivate and it's about the inner

[01:24:57] life and the way that your life feels

[01:25:01] yeah how do you teach kids those kind of

[01:25:07] emotional skills yeah we really can

[01:25:10] teach it one of the things they know for

[01:25:12] example about family dinners is they're

[01:25:15] hugely important for teaching emotional

[01:25:19] skills you know kids listen to what we

[01:25:21] say but what they really do is they

[01:25:23] watch what we do and we model stuff all

[01:25:26] the time so at a family dinner or other

[01:25:30] places too are we respectful of each

[01:25:33] other do we really listen to each other

[01:25:35] or do we interrupt right we used to play

[01:25:38] the interrupting game with our kids

[01:25:40] where everybody would start out with a

[01:25:42] certain number of M&M's and if you

[01:25:44] interrupted you had to put one &m into

[01:25:46] the center pile and then and then you

[01:25:49] could earn it back if you didn't

[01:25:51] interrupt for a while at dinner so we

[01:25:54] teach not interrupting we teach

[01:25:56] listening we teach respect for

[01:25:59] somebody's views rather than jumping in

[01:26:01] and saying that's wrong or how can you

[01:26:04] believe that we we teach curiosity we

[01:26:08] teach turn taking we teach mutuality so

[01:26:11] one of the things that we know in a good

[01:26:14] relationship is that one person doesn't

[01:26:17] occupy all the air time well where do

[01:26:19] kids learn that first they learn it at

[01:26:22] home and so how do you have discussions

[01:26:26] where you share the airtime rather than

[01:26:28] one person taking it all what role does

[01:26:33] forgiveness or acceptance play in

[01:26:36] creating a good relationship

[01:26:38] particularly with

[01:26:39] family yes I mean the things we've been

[01:26:42] saying so one habit is being curious

[01:26:47] about how they're changing right in

[01:26:48] front of you and then um going with the

[01:26:52] flow so if someone one is changing not

[01:26:55] opposing that think of all the pain we

[01:26:58] cause each other by saying no no you

[01:27:00] can't grow up to be an engineer you have

[01:27:04] to be a doctor or you can't grow up to

[01:27:06] be a woodworker you have to be a lawyer

[01:27:10] however we decide someone else has to

[01:27:12] live their life that is a recipe for

[01:27:15] pain and suffering how in families

[01:27:18] because each of us is is who we are

[01:27:23] right each of us is this unfolding being

[01:27:26] who has their own likes and dislikes

[01:27:30] their own talents and so if I think oh

[01:27:33] my child has to be like me that's a

[01:27:36] recipe for a

[01:27:37] disaster um so what if we could really

[01:27:41] be curious about who is this being that

[01:27:44] I've brought into the world and how can

[01:27:46] I help this person Express who they are

[01:27:49] in the world that's a big factor in

[01:27:53] which families

[01:27:54] Thrive when you look at

[01:27:57] couples and this innate desire that we

[01:28:01] have to either change or control them

[01:28:04] yeah and you just mentioned that one of

[01:28:08] the amazing things that you can do for

[01:28:11] someone is to step aside and not

[01:28:13] interrupt the flow of them changing I

[01:28:17] was just curious what do you think the

[01:28:19] balance is between the nudging get off

[01:28:23] the couch

[01:28:24] we got to take a walk you've been

[01:28:25] sitting at your desk all day and

[01:28:29] stepping in and trying to control

[01:28:31] somebody I'm G to quote a famous zen

[01:28:35] teacher who told his monks you're

[01:28:39] perfect just as you are and you could

[01:28:42] use a little Improvement so it's this

[01:28:46] kind of paradox that yes we want to

[01:28:49] accept each other and we want to help

[01:28:52] help each other be better right so it is

[01:28:55] a little of both like we don't want to

[01:28:57] just accept kids and let them do

[01:28:59] whatever they want because they'll

[01:29:01] they'll be heathens they won't learn to

[01:29:03] function in the world they're also not

[01:29:05] adults yet they're not adults yet

[01:29:06] they're not able to choose for

[01:29:08] themselves we can't say to the toddler

[01:29:09] sure go out and play in the street if

[01:29:11] you want to no and you're right we we do

[01:29:14] want to say to our partner come take a

[01:29:17] walk with me you know we've spent enough

[01:29:19] time on the couch the balance is trying

[01:29:22] to let someone be who they are but to

[01:29:26] nudge them in the ways that we can to be

[01:29:31] healthier to to do things that that we

[01:29:34] think will help them be happier so it's

[01:29:36] always walking a fine line is there any

[01:29:39] strategy based on the research that

[01:29:41] works better than others because I think

[01:29:43] especially as you age and you see

[01:29:45] somebody's Health Decline and you want

[01:29:47] them to take better care of themselves

[01:29:49] did anything emerge from this study

[01:29:51] that's like obviously pressuring isn't

[01:29:54] going to work but is there something

[01:29:56] that you can do in terms of how you show

[01:29:58] up that makes it more likely or triggers

[01:30:03] intrinsic motivation for somebody else

[01:30:05] to want to do that work to improve

[01:30:07] themselves yeah um first of all let

[01:30:11] people learn from life don't Shield them

[01:30:15] from the consequences of what they

[01:30:18] choose if somebody says well I I don't

[01:30:22] really want to get a job

[01:30:24] okay well so how you going to pay your

[01:30:27] rent there are lots of things we can do

[01:30:29] to help people meet the challenges of

[01:30:32] life by not shielding them from the

[01:30:34] challenges of life that matters you know

[01:30:38] this often happens in the realm of

[01:30:40] addiction with loved ones that we have

[01:30:43] to uh let people deal with the pain of

[01:30:48] losing a job of losing a partner because

[01:30:51] they're not present because they're

[01:30:53] addicted to some substance that we don't

[01:30:56] try to run in and make it all better we

[01:30:58] let people when we can face the real

[01:31:02] world consequences of the choices they

[01:31:04] make and hopefully learn from them

[01:31:06] because that's how we all learn

[01:31:08] beautiful in chapter five there was this

[01:31:11] really interesting statistic about the

[01:31:13] fact that we spend half the time

[01:31:16] thinking about something else rather

[01:31:17] than being in the present moment yes can

[01:31:20] you talk a little bit about the

[01:31:22] importance of your attention yes yes

[01:31:26] so paying attention to just what's here

[01:31:31] now is something we don't normally do

[01:31:34] our minds carry us off into thinking

[01:31:37] about the future or thinking about the

[01:31:39] past and in some ways that's helpful

[01:31:43] like to be able to anticipate the future

[01:31:45] is a good thing it's one of the reasons

[01:31:47] why we survive so well and thinking

[01:31:49] about the past lets us learn from the

[01:31:52] past so all that's good but what we know

[01:31:55] is it doesn't make us as happy as being

[01:31:58] in the present as me paying attention

[01:32:01] right now to what it's like sitting here

[01:32:04] talking to you what the chair feels like

[01:32:06] under me what the air feels like on my

[01:32:10] skin that all of that when I can let

[01:32:12] myself be present for it actually makes

[01:32:15] me feel more alive so the practice of

[01:32:20] coming back into the present that's part

[01:32:23] of what flows is flow is just being

[01:32:25] present for what is you don't have to

[01:32:27] sit on a meditation cushion to do this

[01:32:30] you can take a walk in nature and you

[01:32:33] get outside of your thoughts about the

[01:32:35] past and present you just look at oh my

[01:32:37] gosh that tree is so beautiful and

[01:32:39] you're just right there in the moment um

[01:32:42] you know or you're right there with your

[01:32:43] friend and so what we find when we study

[01:32:47] this is that when we are in the present

[01:32:50] moment our mood is happier than when

[01:32:53] we're thinking about the past or

[01:32:55] thinking about the future can

[01:32:58] you help me and The

[01:33:02] Listener just drop into the present can

[01:33:04] you show us how accessible it is yeah

[01:33:08] yeah okay just sit here for a moment sit

[01:33:13] still listen to my voice maybe close

[01:33:16] your eyes if it's

[01:33:19] comfortable and now just feel

[01:33:24] your heartbeat wherever you feel it just

[01:33:27] feel that your heart is beating all the

[01:33:30] time most of the time we're not aware of

[01:33:32] it but it's right there supporting

[01:33:35] us and now take a moment to appreciate

[01:33:38] your breath going in and

[01:33:42] out and take a moment to appreciate any

[01:33:45] sounds that are reaching your

[01:33:49] ears that's

[01:33:50] it that's the present moment and so

[01:33:54] actually you can do that anywhere you

[01:33:56] can do it in a busy waiting room waiting

[01:33:59] for a doctor's appointment you can do it

[01:34:02] sitting at a red light Don't Close Your

[01:34:04] Eyes with the red light at in traffic

[01:34:07] but you can you can look at that red

[01:34:09] light and notice wow you know I'm

[01:34:12] breathing my heart's beating you can do

[01:34:15] this at any moment and dropping into the

[01:34:18] present moment just allows us to take a

[01:34:21] break from the swirl of automatic pilot

[01:34:24] of our automatic thoughts how has this

[01:34:28] study impacted your life oh a lot

[01:34:33] um at a certain point I realized okay

[01:34:38] I'm a Harvard Professor I could work 247

[01:34:42] I mean I could be writing papers editing

[01:34:45] applying for grant money and especially

[01:34:47] once my kids left home and they weren't

[01:34:50] there to pull me away and say Dad let's

[01:34:51] do this or drive me here and I realized

[01:34:54] that I could work all the time and not

[01:34:57] have any friends and then I was looking

[01:35:00] at my own study and saying wait a minute

[01:35:02] friendships are kind of important so

[01:35:05] what I've started doing is the stuff

[01:35:07] that I just recommended to all of you

[01:35:09] which is I started texting my friends I

[01:35:12] started making dinner dates not just

[01:35:15] letting my wife make the dinner dates

[01:35:17] for our couple right cuz she's the

[01:35:20] social director has been for years I

[01:35:22] started saying to my friend let's go

[01:35:24] take a walk let's go meet for coffee or

[01:35:26] a beer and what I made myself do was pay

[01:35:30] more attention to my

[01:35:32] relationships um and less attention to

[01:35:35] my work now we could say I'm lucky I'm

[01:35:38] older I'm more senior in my career I can

[01:35:41] do that but what I would say is that

[01:35:45] even when we're younger and we're under

[01:35:47] all those pressures of making a living

[01:35:49] and making a career and and supporting

[01:35:52] my family that we can still make sure we

[01:35:56] we keep in the as our North Star

[01:36:00] connections including at work because

[01:36:02] you can do this at work you can make

[01:36:04] more friends at work so that there are

[01:36:06] people you care more about showing up

[01:36:08] for each day well between the age of 20

[01:36:11] and 60 the people you work with are who

[01:36:13] you spend most of your time with dayto

[01:36:15] day so I think it's really a huge part

[01:36:18] of living a good life exactly so I love

[01:36:22] to always and by having you speak

[01:36:26] directly to the person who's listening

[01:36:28] so if you could just talk to the person

[01:36:32] listening about all the things that

[01:36:34] you've learned about living a good life

[01:36:38] what would you want them to

[01:36:41] know I would say invest in the people

[01:36:46] who you care about and invest in the

[01:36:48] things that you care about and if you

[01:36:50] keep your eye on those things um those

[01:36:53] are the most likely to make you feel

[01:36:55] like your life is good and then when

[01:37:00] you're in doubt about what to do make

[01:37:04] kindness your default setting so if

[01:37:07] you're in doubt should I do this or

[01:37:09] should I do that think to yourself well

[01:37:11] what would be the Kinder thing to do and

[01:37:14] do

[01:37:15] that Dr Robert waldinger thank you so

[01:37:19] much for being here with us I have been

[01:37:22] so looking forward to this you did not

[01:37:25] disappoint I have a million people I

[01:37:27] want to text now yeah and uh I also am

[01:37:31] really excited about the Curiosity piece

[01:37:34] and understanding that everybody around

[01:37:36] me has changed so much and leaning into

[01:37:39] it and noticing it is going to help me

[01:37:41] live a good life and to you I want to

[01:37:43] thank you for spending time with us

[01:37:47] today and in case nobody else tells you

[01:37:50] I wanted to be sure to tell you that I

[01:37:51] love you I believe in you and I believe

[01:37:54] in your ability to take everything that

[01:37:56] you learned today and I hope you do I

[01:37:59] hope you take what you learned and you

[01:38:01] put it into action in your day-to-day

[01:38:03] life because if you do you will look

[01:38:06] back when your life is near its end and

[01:38:10] you will be able to say I lived a good

[01:38:13] life all righty I'll talk to you in a

[01:38:15] few days and to you on YouTube I just

[01:38:18] wanted to take a minute and say thank

[01:38:20] you thank you for being a part of my

[01:38:23] life

[01:38:24] thank you for watching and subscribing

[01:38:27] to this channel thank you for sharing

[01:38:29] these episodes with the people that you

[01:38:31] love and this one in particular it is so

[01:38:33] important it is so profound I mean this

[01:38:36] is what life is about after all and so

[01:38:40] thank you for taking the time to send

[01:38:42] this link to people that you care about

[01:38:44] and in case no one else tells you I

[01:38:46] wanted to be sure to tell you that I

[01:38:48] love you and I believe in you and I

[01:38:50] believe in your ability to take

[01:38:52] everything that you learn today and to

[01:38:56] use it to create good relationships and

[01:38:59] to live a good life and one thing that

[01:39:03] is going to help you put this into

[01:39:05] action is this next video which is all

[01:39:09] about happiness and you're going to love

[01:39:11] it because I'm going to walk you through

[01:39:12] an exercise that is going to help you

[01:39:15] get deeply personal about what happiness

[01:39:19] really means to you