# The Power of IFS to Heal Trauma - No Bad Parts Book Summary by Richard Schwartz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AVCZD5XYys

[00:00] I did not expect this book to affect me as much as it did.
[00:04] And now I can see why Internal Family Systems is such a powerful tool for treating trauma and other mental health conditions and why they even made a couple of movies based on this approach.
[00:11] So, in this video, I'm going to summarize what I've learned about IFS with you and share some of the exercises that helped me see myself more clearly and detach a little bit from my parts, some of them very loud, and feel more compassionate and calm toward myself and others.
[00:29] So, [music] let's talk about No Bad Parts by Richard Schwarz.
[00:42] Hey guys, real quick.
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[01:30] Back to the video.
[01:32] IFS or internal family systems is a therapy approach developed by Richard Schwarz.
[01:37] And from what I hear, he goes by Dick.
[01:39] The main idea is that we're all made up of different parts.
[01:42] We might have a perfectionistic part, an angry part, and a scared little kid part inside of us.
[01:48] And there's these cultural approaches from Freudian psychology to religious philosophies to CBT that have taught us that there are bad parts inside of us that need to be shamed and
[02:00] suppressed.
[02:02] And what I think is beautiful about IFS is this concept that Schwarz put right here in the title of the book.
[02:07] There are no bad parts.
[02:09] Dick was trained as a marriage and family therapist like me.
[02:11] Woohoo.
[02:13] Family therapy.
[02:15] And in family therapy, you're trained to work with a bunch of family members all in the same room and to look for their dynamics.
[02:21] There might be a problem child and a critical parent and a rescuer parent, for example.
[02:26] Each of them plays a role in the family system and the more you pressure them, the more rigid they become in those roles.
[02:32] So for example, if the father is the critical parent, the more he criticizes the problem child, the more likely she is to act out.
[02:42] And the more critical the father is, the more likely the mother steps in to rescue the child.
[02:47] Now Dick started to see this dynamic when he was working with bulimic patients.
[02:51] and he tried to work with the families of bulimic patients.
[02:54] But when he found that that wasn't working, he got curious.
[02:56] Here's what he said.
[02:57] They kept binging and purging much to my frustration.
[02:59] And I began asking why.
[03:01] they started talking this language of parts and would say some version of when something bad happens, this critic attacks me inside and it brings up a part makes me feel worthless and empty and alone.
[03:12] And that feeling is so dreadful that the binge comes in to rescue me from it.
[03:16] But the act of the binge triggers the critic again.
[03:20] And it sounded as a family therapist familiar cuz that's what I'd been studying, these patterns in families.
[03:24] At first I thought, well, that's a nice metaphor for different emotions and thoughts and and we can work with that.
[03:30] But they were talking about these things as if they had full personalities and a lot of autonomy and that they couldn't control them.
[03:38] Then I got scared.
[03:38] I thought maybe these are people with multiple personality disorder till I started listening inside myself and oh my god, I've got them too.
[03:45] and mine are as full personalities and sometimes as extreme as theirs.
[03:50] And then I just got curious and have spent the next 40 years studying these internal systems.
[03:57] In no bad parts, he writes, when we simply
[04:02] turn our attention inside, we find that what we thought were random thoughts and emotions comprise a bustling inner community that has been interacting behind the scenes throughout our lives.
[04:12] Now, to be clear, IFS is different from dissociative identity disorder.
[04:17] In fact, having parts is normal, it's natural, and it's healthy.
[04:19] IFS says we're all born with these parts.
[04:22] And the goal is learning how to work with them with clarity and compassion.
[04:26] Now, unlike the movie Inside Out, these parts aren't just emotions.
[04:30] They can be like little people that you visualize with their own thoughts and feelings and needs.
[04:35] They often have important roles like keeping you safe or numbing you to pain or motivating you to try hard.
[04:41] Sometimes these parts are just a bodily sensation that you have or a quiet little voice.
[04:50] And often there are parts we aren't even aware of.
[04:52] Um there's also parts that are really loud that take most of our attention.
[04:56] Now in IFS these different parts are categorized as either protectors or exiles.
[04:59] So exiles are the
[05:05] Wounded parts, right?
[05:07] These are the parts of us that carry the most pain or shame or fear or feelings of worthlessness.
[05:10] They're often younger.
[05:14] They're vulnerable parts that got exiled or pushed away from awareness because those emotions felt too overwhelming or because the other parts decided it wasn't safe to let them show up in daily life.
[05:28] Some common exiles are the invisible child who was neglected or the rejected teenager who was bullied.
[05:31] Okay.
[05:34] And then there are protectors who are just trying to keep us safe.
[05:37] And there are two types of protectors.
[05:39] There's managers and firefighters.
[05:41] Now managers are the planners and the controllers who are trying to prevent pain.
[05:47] They are proactive.
[05:49] They can look like perfectionism, humor, worry.
[05:53] They can look like planning or controlling behaviors.
[05:55] They can show up as like overachieving, people pleasing, or avoiding risks or rejection.
[06:02] They're usually very tired and stressed out because they're working all the time.
[06:07] Some of them never sleep.
[06:07] Okay.
[06:09] Firefighters are there for crisis.
[06:12] They are reactive.
[06:15] Their role is to rush in when the exiles get triggered and to extinguish that overwhelming pain.
[06:20] These can look like rage, self harm, dissociation, substance use.
[06:24] Um, they might show up as angrily defending yourself against criticism or numbing yourself with alcohol to avoid disappointment.
[06:31] So, managers and firefighters are usually fighting, right?
[06:35] They This one wants you to be more self-controlled and this one wants you to not feel so much.
[06:42] Now, why won't they back down?
[06:43] Why won't they stop fighting with each other?
[06:45] It's because they love you.
[06:47] They love you too much to do that.
[06:49] They're convinced that they are helping you.
[06:51] And that's why they won't give up.
[06:52] It's not because they're stubborn or mean or bad.
[06:55] So, the important thing to remember is there are no bad parts.
[06:57] Every part has a good intention behind what it's doing, right?
[07:03] A part that yells at your partner really cares about the relationship and and
[07:08] whether or not your spouse shows up for you.
[07:10] Um, a part that criticizes you wants you to get better and improve.
[07:14] A part that uses substances wants you to feel better and have fun.
[07:19] When a member of our family is trying to fight us or it seems to be undermining us, it's natural to want to change them or to argue with them or to avoid them.
[07:30] But what we find with IFS is that fighting our parts usually leads to more dysfunction.
[07:34] Trying to suppress those inner voices leads to more internal struggle or it just it allows these protectors to run our life.
[07:44] So, for example, like trying to hate your perfectionistic part can lead to more self-hatred and fuel more perfectionism.
[07:53] IFS sees all of our parts.
[07:53] Um, exiles, managers, and firefighters not as something bad that we need to get rid of, but as hurt parts that need care.
[08:04] These are often innocent young children who took on the responsibility of life,
[08:08] and they shouldn't have to carry that load anymore.
[08:10] So, like, how do we do it?
[08:13] Right?
[08:13] I'm talking in theory now, but let's move a little bit toward practice.
[08:17] In IFS therapy, the goal is not to keep suppressing these parts, but to build enough safety and self leadership that these exiles and protectors can finally be witnessed, comforted, and unburdened.
[08:30] Each one of these needs reassurance that you can be kept safe and needs to be able to trust that you can handle life as it comes at you.
[08:37] And then when that happens, all of these parts can transform.
[08:39] They can they can shift roles and their roles now become ones where they're like vital and creative and connected.
[08:47] Like all that energy they were putting into fighting each other turns into like helping you become your best person.
[08:52] So instead of trying to kill the parts of ourel that we don't like if teaches us to listen to them and create a healthy internal family.
[08:59] So an amazing thing happens when you start to notice your parts.
[09:04] When you start to see them and name them and listen to them.
[09:09] there's this incredible part of you that starts to emerge.
[09:14] And in IFS, it's called the self with a capital S.
[09:18] Now, the self is the deepest part of you.
[09:21] It holds all of the parts.
[09:24] Kind of like how an ocean holds all of its fishes.
[09:27] The self is who leads, guides, listens to, and comforts each of the parts.
[09:32] And you guys, like this is my favorite part of IFS because like when you can let the self do its work, both your internal and external relationships just have more peace.
[09:44] Okay, let me share a personal example.
[09:47] The other day, my husband and I were trying to have a planning session.
[09:50] Now, planning makes him anxious and when I have no plan, I feel anxious.
[09:53] Okay, so this is a difficult situation.
[09:56] So, we're sitting down talking about our calendar and I remind him for the second or third time about a task that needs to be done that he agreed to do.
[10:04] And he asks me to explain it to him again [clears throat] for the third time.
[10:09] Now, I start to feel
[10:12] Somewhat angry and annoyed, like, oh, why do I have to plan everything?
[10:15] Does he even care?
[10:15] This is so frustrating.
[10:18] And then I started to feel bad for getting angry.
[10:20] So, then I just stopped talking.
[10:22] Now, he paused for a minute and I took a breath and closed my eyes.
[10:27] Um, and I could see this like angry part of me.
[10:29] It was this part of me that feels hurt and unloved when people don't pay attention to me and this is a firefighter.
[10:37] And then because I felt like the victim because it seems like people don't care about me, then I could see the manager part jumping in and saying like, "Oh, don't do anything stupid, Emma.
[10:49] Don't say anything.
[10:51] Don't make Ryan hate planning even more because you're going to be so sensitive about stuff like this.
[10:54] Now, I had just finished reading No Bad Parts.
[10:56] So, as I noticed these parts coming forward, suddenly I could kind of see them clearly and I felt my capital S self just stepping back and um being curious
[11:12] about them.
[11:14] I was able to ask them like what they needed.
[11:17] I I felt more centered and I felt myself soften up a little bit.
[11:19] So, I asked like the ragy victimy part.
[11:22] said, "What do you need?"
[11:26] And she said, "I need to be shown that people care about me, that that Ryan cares about me."
[11:31] And then I asked the manager what she needed.
[11:33] [sighs] "I need the angry one to not speak up because if she tells Ryan what she really needs, that will push him away."
[11:40] And like to be honest, if I had told Orion like, "Oh, why don't you ever pay attention to my planning?"
[11:48] It would have come out in like an angry, judgmental way.
[11:49] So then I imagined myself, my capital S self, telling the little angry victim, "Okay, I'm going to stand up for you.
[11:59] I'm going to stand up for what you need."
[12:01] And then I imagine myself telling the manager, "Don't worry.
[12:05] I'm going to do it in a calm, firm way."
[12:07] And my parts reacted by calming down a
[12:14] little bit.
[12:16] And I was able to feel more clear.
[12:16] Okay.
[12:19] So then I opened my eyes.
[12:22] Ryan, the angel that he is, had been patiently sitting there while I had this little internal family conversation.
[12:26] And I said to him, like, "It really helps me feel like you care about me when you write down and follow up on the things we talk about.
[12:33] Like, could you please put this in your phone's reminders?
[12:38] And he said something along the lines of like, "Sure, honey.
[12:39] I'm sorry I forgot.
[12:41] I'll do better next time."
[12:43] And and this big problem was solved.
[12:46] The self is the gentle and wise leader who can guide your internal family to being harmonious and loving.
[12:52] You don't need to be calmer, more curious, or more courageous.
[12:59] There's a part of you that already is calm.
[13:01] [clears throat]
[13:04] It is curious and it is courageous.
[13:06] It's already there.
[13:06] It's not damaged.
[13:06] It's not scared.
[13:06] It's not wounded.
[13:08] And the best way I can describe this is just to tell you like this is something you have to experience.
[13:16] Like the way you do it is through exercises.
[13:21] And these are kind of like little meditations.
[13:24] Um and I'm I'm really excited for you to to learn these with me.
[13:25] So in the book No Bad Parts, the first exercise already has shifted how I interact with myself.
[13:32] Like this I I did not expect this from this book, but the first exercise changed me.
[13:37] Um, it's called mapping your parts.
[13:39] It's about taking time to get to know our parts and how this can be a really powerful way to reduce our internal conflict and and free oursel from from burdens and pain.
[13:51] And the way you do it is you sit down and you quietly pay attention to your body and then you just notice the parts of yourself that come up.
[14:03] Now, I'm making a much more detailed version of this exercise as a separate YouTube video.
[14:06] So, if you really want to experience this, which I think you should, please check out the the other video.
[14:14] I'll put the link in the description.
[14:15] Um, and and you can hear
[14:18] more of me talking to myself [laughter] because I demonstrate it as well.
[14:24] Okay, so that's the first exercise.
[14:25] It's mapping your parts.
[14:27] So, then after we've mapped our parts, now what?
[14:29] Like now we've gotten to know each of these people but they seem to be fighting a lot or this one doesn't have a voice, right?
[14:33] What's the next thing we do?
[14:36] That's what takes us to unblending.
[14:37] This is a really essential aspect of IFS and it's this idea of blending and unblending.
[14:43] So in internal family systems, blending happens when you become fused with a part.
[14:47] You feel like the part is you.
[14:51] So let me give you some examples.
[14:52] You feel overwhelming shame and you think like I'm worthless.
[14:55] No one could ever love me.
[14:58] the exile's belief becomes the whole truth.
[15:01] That's when you're blended with an exile.
[15:03] Um, you might notice this when you can't make a decision because your internal family members are arguing or you keep engaging in unhealthy habits like running away or binging because firefighters are desperately trying to control your feelings or you believe you
[15:19] just have to try harder to be better.
[15:22] That's when you're blended with a manager.
[15:23] Um, this is the protector part trying to keep you safe by uh resisting change.
[15:30] So, when one of our parts is running the show, we often get stuck in these unhealthy or reactive behaviors.
[15:36] So, when I was angry at my husband, my little victim was telling me stories like, "This is so unfair. Why do I have to do everything? He never cares about me."
[15:43] And it was fueling this angry desire to lash out and criticize him.
[15:47] So, in that moment, I was blended with my firefighter, my angry little firefighter.
[15:51] But when I stepped back and I noticed this part and I used my perspective as myself, I could create some space.
[15:59] Now, the manager wanted to suppress the victim part, but the self was a thoughtful and curious place I could step into.
[16:07] Now, I've used ACT for years, acceptance commitment therapy, for years to do what they call defusion, which is where you create some space between yourself and your thoughts.
[16:15] I have to be honest, like I found the IFS
[16:20] approach to be so much easier to practice than what I've been doing for like 15 years.
[16:27] Like this metaphor just makes it so much easier to apply.
[16:29] Now, here's how Dick Schwarz describes this in his book.
[16:31] When you simply focus on one of the parts, suddenly there was a you who was observing and an it was being observed.
[16:39] And this takes us to unblending.
[16:41] Unblending happens when you notice, oh, like this is just a part of me and then you shift back into that self energy, that calm, curious, compassionate awareness.
[16:52] Okay, let me walk you through how unblending works.
[16:53] So, instead of believing like, oh, I am worthless, you would say, oh, I I notice that a part of me feels worthless right now.
[17:02] When your inner critic says, you're failing, you pause and think, oh, that's my manager part speaking.
[17:08] I can listen to it without letting it take over.
[17:10] Or let's say you feel the the urge to like binge or or numb out, but instead of acting, you say, "Oh, that's my firefighter part.
[17:17] It's trying to protect
[17:20] me from something.
[17:22] I can check in with it and see if another behavior would be more helpful.
[17:28] Instead, uh you can hold compassion for each of these parts when you're unblended, right?
[17:31] So you see, you can say, "I see this little sad part of me and it feels so alone and I want to be with it."
[17:35] Or when I was planning with my husband, I could have said, "You're so unreliable."
[17:40] But that probably would have invited a lot more fighting.
[17:41] Uh but if I'd said like, "Oh, a part of me feels hurt by you."
[17:47] That would have been more helpful.
[17:49] This is one of the most powerful and most simple things you can do.
[17:51] When you start to notice your parts, you create the space to act with more calm and compassion.
[17:59] And then the healing continues to deepen.
[18:01] So the self goes into each part and helps each part unburden.
[18:05] And I would say this this process is best learned with a therapist trained in IFS.
[18:09] But the basic process sounds like this.
[18:11] Here's an example where [snorts] the author Richard Schwarz describes the process of unbburdening the inner critic.
[18:17] I would have you focus on that critical voice.
[18:19] Find it in your body.
[18:21] Most people
[18:22] find that particular part in their head somewhere.
[18:23] And I would ask you, Tammy, how do you feel toward that critical part of you?
[18:30] And it's likely you'd say something, I hate it.
[18:32] It just makes me feel like really bad and it keeps me from doing what I want to do in my life.
[18:35] It holds me back.
[18:35] But we would ask the ones who hate it to give us the space to get curious.
[18:39] I wouldn't have you talk to it until you were at least had some sort of open-mindedness toward it.
[18:46] And at that point, I would have you ask it what's it afraid would happen if it didn't do this to you all day.
[18:52] It's likely it would say some version of or you would hear without thinking, you know, just wait and see what comes back to you from that part that it's afraid if it didn't do this to you, you'd get hurt maybe or people would judge you or you wouldn't be perfect and then you'd be abandoned or there's always some kind of protective reason.
[19:11] then would have you say to it, if we could go to the part of you that it protects that has been hurt in the past and heal that so it wasn't such a threat, would this part
[19:22] have to keep doing this?
[19:24] And most of the time they'll say no, they wouldn't have to.
[19:25] And I might ask, what would it like to do instead of being this critic?
[19:30] And often, oddly enough, the answer is the opposite role.
[19:32] So you might hear it say, I'd like to be your cheerleader.
[19:36] I'd like to help you get out in the world.
[19:37] I'd like to, you know, help you feel good about yourself.
[19:41] And so we would then negotiate permission from it to go to what it protected that vulnerable hurt part and we have a process for actually unburdening that part so that it felt much much better and less vulnerable and then bring the critic in to see that what it was protecting is no longer needed.
[19:59] Now if we would like to shift into that that other role that's sort of in a nutshell the process we do.
[20:04] So the self unburdens the critic from needing to protect the exile and both the exile and the critic experience powerful healing.
[20:10] Okay, so let's go back to the self again.
[20:12] Like again this is my favorite part of IFS because healing happens when the self leads instead of the protectors.
[20:18] But if the self is different from the parts, what actually is it?
[20:21] So in no bad parts, Dick
[20:23] describes the self as a spiritual
[20:26] essence that's hard to describe but easy
[20:28] to experience. And I I like I really
[20:31] hope you try the exercises that I'm
[20:33] going to link. When you experience the
[20:34] self, you're going to notice the eight
[20:36] C's of self energy. It's calm. It's
[20:39] curious. It's compassionate. It has
[20:42] clarity. It can see situations and parts
[20:44] for what they are. It's confident. It
[20:47] trusts in its own ability to lead. And
[20:49] it knows what's right and wrong. It's
[20:51] courageous. It's willing to speak the
[20:53] truth. And it's also willing to face
[20:55] pain. It's creative. So, it's
[20:57] resourceful. It's not so rigid in what
[20:59] it does. It's also connected. It feels
[21:02] this sense of connectedness to
[21:04] ourselves, to others, and to our
[21:07] internal world as well. Beautiful
[21:09] reality of the self is that even if
[21:11] trauma has fragmented your system and
[21:13] major parts fight each other, the self
[21:16] is never damaged. The self is always
[21:19] whole. You don't need to be more calm. A
[21:21] part of you is already calm. You don't
[21:23] need to be more courageous. A part of
[21:25] you already is courageous. So by its
[21:28] nature, the self is this deep source of
[21:30] healing. You can think of it like the
[21:32] sun. Even when the storm clouds blacken
[21:34] the sky, the sun is there. It's ready to
[21:36] break through with love and light. So
[21:39] Schwarz writes, "Every part of our
[21:42] personality that we do not love will
[21:44] become hostile to us. When you feel
[21:46] angry or afraid of one of your parts,
[21:48] you can know that that's not the self.
[21:50] That's how the parts react to each
[21:52] other. But when your self steps in to
[21:54] listen to all of your parts with
[21:55] kindness and curiosity, it creates space
[21:58] for healing the whole internal family
[22:00] system. The self listens to your
[22:02] protectors, building trust so that they
[22:04] can soften their roles. It connects with
[22:07] exiles. It witnesses their pain and it
[22:09] helps them release their burdens. When
[22:11] the self brings compassion and curiosity
[22:13] to all the parts, it gains their trust
[22:14] so they can soften their roles. Now, you
[22:17] might be thinking, "This sounds too good
[22:19] to be true." But I don't want you to
[22:22] take my word for it. I want you to try
[22:24] some of these exercises and just
[22:26] experience it for yourself. Here's what
[22:28] you'll find. Here's what Dick says.
[22:29] Within each of us is a wise,
[22:31] compassionate essence of goodness that
[22:33] knows how to relate harmoniously. In
[22:36] addition, we are not one messed up mind,
[22:38] but an internal system of parts. Sure,
[22:41] these parts can be sometimes disruptive
[22:43] or harmful, but once they're
[22:45] unbburdened, they return to their
[22:47] essential goodness. I know this sounds
[22:49] like a lot, but making this paradigm
[22:51] shift doesn't require huge sacrifices or
[22:54] suffering. It can be really painful to
[22:56] retrieve these parts of yourself that
[22:58] you left in the dust, but the effort's
[23:00] worth it. Here's just this a taste of
[23:02] what you have to gain. You're going to
[23:04] feel more love for yourself and others,
[23:07] more access to your inner joy and
[23:09] delight, as well as your rich sadness
[23:12] and grief, and more meaningful habits
[23:14] and activities with a sense of
[23:16] fulfilling vision.
[23:18] So, how can we make this something we
[23:20] actually practice?
[23:22] You connect with your parts through
[23:24] daily practice. It's like a like a
[23:26] meditation or you could even do it on
[23:29] paper. You spend a few minutes each day
[23:31] checking in with your parts. You
[23:32] practice listening to them and taking
[23:34] time to touch in with yourself, your
[23:36] curious, calm, compassionate, courageous
[23:39] self. And then as you practice this,
[23:41] your inner world becomes more
[23:42] harmonious. And I think it's easy to see
[23:45] how on a global scale countries and
[23:47] their leaders react to inner exiles and
[23:50] protectors with violence. But as we heal
[23:53] our inner worlds, we can also make the
[23:54] world a better place. This experience of
[23:58] turning toward your own exiles with
[24:00] gentleness helps build the muscle to
[24:04] turn toward others with empathy and that
[24:06] softens relationships and heals families
[24:08] and I would say even communities. So
[24:11] every step of self leadership sends out
[24:13] these ripples of healing. So in that
[24:15] sense, cultivating the self isn't just
[24:16] personal growth. It's an act of service
[24:19] to the world. So I I personally found
[24:21] the process of IFS to be really powerful
[24:24] in my own life. And I hope you try some
[24:26] of the exercises so that you can
[24:27] experience this inner shift yourself. Uh
[24:30] make sure to watch this channel for the
[24:31] next couple videos that I put out with
[24:33] IFS exercises. And let me know in the
[24:35] comments if there's any other books or
[24:37] therapy methods that you'd like me to
[24:38] make a video about. Thank you so much
[24:41] for watching [music]
[24:42] and please take care. Hi there. If you
[24:45] found anything in this video helpful, I
[24:47] would really appreciate it if you could
[24:48] give it a thumbs up or share it with
[24:50] someone who could benefit from it