# The Barriers to Loving Presence (Part 1A) - Tara Brach

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwseJ73D7R8
Translation: es

[00:09] so I wanted to start tonight uh the talk with a story that I've always loved and it it is written by Lauren Eisley and it starts once on Ancient Earth there was a human boy walking along a beach and there had just been a storm so there were starfish scattered along the sands and the boy knew the fish would die so he began to fling the fish to the sea but of course every time he threw one starfish in another one would appear somewhere else and an old Earth man happened to be walking along and saw what the boy was doing and he called out you know why are you doing this boy said well I'm trying to save the starfish we're getting sirens in the background to give us a little more drama here save the starfish

[01:01] The man said, but your attempts are useless every time you save one, another returns, often the same one. You can't save them also. Why bother trying? Why does it matter anyway? the boy thought about this for a while, a starfish in his hand. He answered, Well, it matters to this one. And he flung it back into the sea.
  El hombre dijo: Pero tus intentos son inútiles. Cada vez que salvas a uno, otro regresa, a menudo el mismo. Tampoco puedes salvarlos. ¿Por qué molestarse en intentarlo? ¿Por qué importa de todos modos? pensó el niño mientras sostenía una estrella de mar en su mano. Él respondió: Bueno, a este le importa. Y la arrojó de vuelta al mar.

[01:28] There is something about the consciousness of being with anyone that we're with any being, any creature, including the life within us. And really getting that life matters to this being, that when we get that each of us cares about being alive, there's immediately a resonance in the heart.
  Hay algo en la conciencia de estar con cualquiera, con cualquier ser, cualquier criatura, incluida la vida dentro de nosotros. Y realmente entender que la vida importa a este ser, que cuando entendemos que a cada uno de nosotros le importa estar vivo, hay inmediatamente una resonancia en el corazón.

[01:51] The core of most spiritual paths that I've encountered is a HSA is this nonviolence, is this
  El núcleo de la mayoría de los caminos espirituales que he encontrado es una HSA, es esta no violencia, es este

[02:05] kindness and it's uh unconditional it's a kindness to all beings it's all-encompassing and in the teachings of true Refuge which are really the teachings of realizing our true nature this capacity to care about beings care about life is considered to be a key expression of our awakened heart mind this caring and yet if we reflect on our own lives and you can I'm going to have you reflect of course as part of this class um most of us are aware of how we hold back our loving not exactly the mechanics of it but we're aware that there's this potential we've touched it I mean we know what it's like to feel tender and warm and open and we're aware of the difference between that and how many moments of our life were kind of on
  la bondad y es incondicional es una bondad para todos los seres es abarcadora y en las enseñanzas del verdadero Refugio que son realmente las enseñanzas de realizar nuestra verdadera naturaleza esta capacidad de preocuparse por los seres preocuparse por la vida se considera una expresión clave de nuestra mente-corazón despierta este cuidado y sin embargo si reflexionamos sobre nuestras propias vidas y puedes voy a hacerte reflexionar por supuesto como parte de esta clase la mayoría de nosotros somos conscientes de cómo reprimimos nuestro amor no exactamente la mecánica de ello pero somos conscientes de que existe este potencial lo hemos tocado quiero decir sabemos cómo es sentirse tierno cálido y abierto y somos conscientes de la diferencia entre eso y cuántos momentos de nuestra vida estamos como que

[03:06] automatic and we're not so warm and receptive we kind of know that we hold back loving.
  automático y no somos tan cálidos y receptivos, sabemos que nos abstenemos de amar.

[03:14] And under that what we start discovering when we meditate is just this very strong conditioning to narrow ourselves to be caught in reactivity to be judgmental to be on our way somewhere else to be speed along to be preoccupied with how others are perceiving us try to get ourselves more comfortable and secure.
  Y bajo eso, lo que empezamos a descubrir cuando meditamos es solo este condicionamiento muy fuerte a limitarnos, a quedar atrapados en la reactividad, a ser críticos, a ir a otro lugar, a darnos prisa, a estar preocupados por cómo nos perciben los demás, a intentar sentirnos más cómodos y seguros.

[03:39] We know the self-centeredness it's it's not I'm not saying this like we're bad it just we know that's our strong conditioning to be living in a sliver of who we are and not inhabiting that open-heartedness.
  Conocemos el egocentrismo, no estoy diciendo esto como si fuéramos malos, simplemente sabemos que ese es nuestro fuerte condicionamiento para vivir en una pequeña parte de quiénes somos y no habitar esa apertura de corazón.

[03:54] So we know that when we check it out.
  Así que sabemos que cuando lo comprobamos.

[04:00] So here are um some words of roomie that uh have.
  Así que aquí hay algunas palabras de Rumi que tienen.

[04:06] been a real inspiration in my life that I want to share tonight and really have our entire reflection in a sense circling around these roomy writes your path is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you have built against it.
  ha sido una verdadera inspiración en mi vida que quiero compartir esta noche y realmente tener toda nuestra reflexión en cierto sentido girando en torno a estas amplias escrituras, tu camino no es buscar el amor, sino simplemente buscar y encontrar todas las barreras dentro de ti que has construido contra él.

[04:28] so let me say that again your path is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself you have built against it.
  así que déjame decir eso de nuevo, tu camino no es buscar el amor, sino simplemente buscar y encontrar todas las barreras dentro de ti que has construido contra él.

[04:44] so I find this extremely powerful because it's a teaching and it's a practice all in one it presumes that love is already here that we're not seeking for something we're not cultivating something that the love is already here it's intrinsic to what we are in fact.
  así que encuentro esto extremadamente poderoso porque es una enseñanza y es una práctica todo en uno, presume que el amor ya está aquí, que no estamos buscando algo, que no estamos cultivando algo, que el amor ya está aquí, es intrínseco a lo que somos, de hecho.

[05:07] The spiritual path is kind of an uncovering of what's clouded it over.
  El camino espiritual es una especie de descubrimiento de lo que lo ha nublado.

[05:12] So that's the presumption in that teaching.
  Así que esa es la presunción en esa enseñanza.

[05:15] And then there's a practice, a prescription, which is bring your attention to where the barriers are.
  Y luego hay una práctica, una prescripción, que es llevar tu atención a dónde están las barreras.

[05:22] Find them, bring them into conscious awareness.
  Encuéntralas, llévalas a la conciencia.

[05:26] And again, the understanding is the the more we are mindful of the ways we create separation.
  Y de nuevo, la comprensión es que cuanto más conscientes somos de las formas en que creamos separación.

[05:35] The more we have some choice about it.
  Más tenemos alguna opción al respecto.

[05:41] So really this inquiry in any moment, and I invite you to explore it right now, of what is between me and loving presence?
  Así que realmente esta indagación en cualquier momento, y te invito a explorarla ahora mismo, ¿qué hay entre yo y la presencia amorosa?

[05:56] This, the power of inquiry is to bring our attention to what we might have in our trance not been.
  Esto, el poder de la indagación es llevar nuestra atención a lo que podríamos haber tenido en nuestro trance sin haber sido.

[06:07] Noticing and you might right from the start right at the beginning of our reflection just close your eyes and close your eyes and bring to mind perhaps someone that you care about and you know there's more distance than you want.
  Notando y podrías, desde el principio, justo al comienzo de nuestra reflexión, simplemente cerrar los ojos y cerrar los ojos y traer a la mente quizás a alguien que te importa y sabes que hay más distancia de la que deseas.

[06:40] And just for a few moments let that relationship be in the foreground of your attention and in an intuitive way just sense into it what are the barriers that you've created how how do you make distance here what's between you and loving presence in this.
  Y solo por unos momentos, deja que esa relación esté en primer plano de tu atención y de una manera intuitiva, simplemente siéntela, ¿cuáles son las barreras que has creado? ¿cómo creas distancia aquí? ¿qué hay entre tú y la presencia amorosa en esto?

[07:23] relationship you might keep this relationship in the back of your mind as we reflect a little together on some of the most uh common ways that we all do it that we all create distance but again um what we're doing tonight is looking at how asking questions how inquiry energetically brings the attention to the places that we haven't been noticing the unconscious ways that we make distance shines light so what is it that just to step back a bit how come we armor ourselves how can we even do that how can we have barriers to loving and that's one of the beginning questions to say and I'll just name that there are really three evolutionary facets of

[08:24] conditioning that through through our history humans have had that is part of our survival and one is to avoid harm.
  El condicionamiento que a través de nuestra historia los humanos hemos tenido es parte de nuestra supervivencia y una es evitar el daño.

[08:33] the other is to move to towards whatever we think will give us pleasure and reward and the third is to attach when we've got something we think we want or is going to help us to grasp on.
  La otra es moverse hacia lo que creemos que nos dará placer y recompensa, y la tercera es aferrarse cuando tenemos algo que creemos que queremos o que nos ayudará a asimilarlo.

[08:46] okay and if we start investigating our barriers to loving we're going to find elements of these.
  Bien, y si empezamos a investigar nuestras barreras para amar, encontraremos elementos de estas.

[08:52] so these are I'm just trying to create a little bit of a conceptual framework so avoid harm.
  Así que estas son, solo estoy tratando de crear un pequeño marco conceptual, así que evitemos el daño.

[08:56] how do how do we go about that and how does it affect us in relationships because we do it.
  ¿Cómo lo hacemos y cómo nos afecta en las relaciones porque lo hacemos?

[09:02] we do it just the way the armoring of our hearts no different than a turtle would have a shell or a porcupine would have its quills or a octopus puts out its ink or I got this image of writing on a tablet with a quill and ink now but you get the idea it's like this is just our way of protecting ourselves.
  Lo hacemos de la misma manera que el endurecimiento de nuestros corazones, no diferente a como una tortuga tendría un caparazón o un puercoespín tendría sus púas o un pulpo saca su tinta, o me vino la imagen de escribir en una tableta con pluma y tinta ahora, pero entiendes la idea, es como nuestra forma de protegernos.

[09:20] and the more we've been in this life in our own
  Y cuanto más hemos estado en esta vida en nuestro propio

[09:26] personal lives wounded the more there's going to be armoring to protect cuz the heart is this organ and Nexus of great sensitivity and some of the some of the woundedness makes the sensitivity feel excruciatingly raw so we protect so the different ways that it shows up if we start looking at how we protect the different ways it plays out is that there's some core beliefs that emerge that come from our history that either I'm Unworthy of love so we protect ourselves because there's this belief and that tells us we're going to get hurt um I'm flawed you know I'll be rejected our the world is not trustworthy it's a dangerous place and others will suffocate me will take advantage of me will overwhelm me will abuse me so we have a belief system put in place makes that armoring stronger so how it plays out one of the big ways

[10:27] it'll play out if we for some of you as you were saying okay well how do I create distance well I create distance because I spend a lot of time blaming and judging and I know we don't even have to do a hand raise I'm always inclined to but we know it you know we do that remember in uh last year in the New Yorker there was a couple facing off and he's defiantly saying yeah well the dolly llama didn't have to put up with you're whining you know so you know so there's is blaming and our insecurity also and we can see how this happens when we're insecure something's wrong with me the other person we we kind of project that they're judging us we have what's called a negative bias through Evolution where our mind fixates on where we see something's wrong or problematic you can just watch in our relationships how often rather than enjoying and saying oh you know this life is so fleeting let's enjoy other we

[11:29] fixate we fixate on what's wrong.
  nos fijamos en lo que está mal.

[11:33] I think of these two women on a bench talking and one of them says oi.
  Pienso en estas dos mujeres sentadas en un banco hablando y una de ellas dice oi.

[11:37] then the other one goes oi.
  entonces la otra dice oi.

[11:41] then the first one says okay enough about the children.
  entonces la primera dice está bien, suficiente sobre los niños.

[11:45] you know it's that kind of thing.
  sabes, es ese tipo de cosa.

[11:47] it's like we just it's just that kind of a complaint thing.
  es como si simplemente fuera ese tipo de queja.

[11:50] that's a real habit in our mind.
  ese es un hábito real en nuestra mente.

[11:51] and so and then another way that we could might have noticed with in relationships is in some way we feel a victim.
  y entonces, otra forma en que podríamos haber notado en las relaciones es que de alguna manera nos sentimos víctimas.

[11:56] like in some way we're being manipulated taken advantage of and we lock into that role.
  como si de alguna manera estuviéramos siendo manipulados, aprovechados y nos encerramos en ese papel.

[12:05] this is just another way it plays out.
  esta es solo otra forma en que se desarrolla.

[12:08] that just to be aware of how do we create a barrier.
  solo para ser conscientes de cómo creamos una barrera.

[12:11] ah I'm the victim.
  ah, soy la víctima.

[12:13] some of you might remember the story of a devoted wife had spent a a lifetime taking care of her husband.
  algunos de ustedes recordarán la historia de una esposa devota que había pasado toda una vida cuidando a su esposo.

[12:16] and now he's slipping in out of a coma for months but she stayed by his side every.
  y ahora él está entrando y saliendo de un coma durante meses, pero ella se quedó a su lado cada.

[12:31] single day when he came to his senses he motioned for her to come closer she sat by his bed he said you know what dear you've been with me through all the bad times when I got fired you were there to support me when the business failed you were there to support me when I got shot you were by my side when we lost the house you gave me support when my health started failing you're still by my side you know what what dear she said gently I think you bring me bad luck so again in a way we have to be light about these because every one of us has barriers we all erect defenses from being hurt but the way we do it we have each have our ways and pl and being a victim is a big one and then of course there's ways that we defend ourselves by pretending we pretend to

[13:32] feel one thing we pretend to have things going better for us than they're going or worse for us than they're going.
  sentimos una cosa que pretendemos tener las cosas mejor para nosotros de lo que van o peor para nosotros de lo que van.

[13:39] actually there's lying there's hiding there's moving away there's not being willing to communicate and we know that that we have out of our fear we back off.
  en realidad hay mentiras hay ocultación hay alejamiento hay falta de voluntad para comunicarse y sabemos que por miedo nos echamos atrás.

[13:49] it's like Jules feifer has a cartoon where the woman saying but I love you and he's saying don't you threaten me.
  es como si Jules Feifer tuviera una caricatura donde la mujer dice pero te amo y él dice no me amenaces.

[13:56] you know but it's that kind of thing not to go where it's difficult.
  sabes pero es ese tipo de cosas no ir a donde es difícil.

[14:02] then there's the ways that we disengage um in some way uh preoccupy and get riveted on some comfortable substitute that keeps us absorbed whether it's video games or TV or overworking so we're just not there.
  luego están las formas en que nos desconectamos um de alguna manera uh nos preocupamos y nos fijamos en algún sustituto cómodo que nos mantiene absortos ya sean videojuegos o televisión o trabajar en exceso así que simplemente no estamos allí.

[14:23] we know that one we can sometimes act like we're really accepting what's going on with our with people that are close to us.
  sabemos que a veces podemos actuar como si realmente estuviéramos aceptando lo que está pasando con nuestra gente cercana.

[14:33] when there's not connection but it's not really acceptance
  cuando no hay conexión pero no es realmente aceptación

[14:35] It's Kind of a false resignation or it's indifference
  Es como una falsa resignación o es indiferencia

[14:40] and I think that's really important because the word radical acceptance it's out there not just from Tara Brock
  y creo que eso es realmente importante porque la palabra aceptación radical está ahí fuera no solo de Tara Brock

[14:45] it's out there as like you know as part of different therapy processes DBT and and others
  está ahí fuera como sabes como parte de diferentes procesos de terapia DBT y otros

[14:52] and acceptance is really tricky
  y la aceptación es realmente complicada

[14:56] acceptance can really be in some way a a masquerading for uh a fear and inaction
  la aceptación realmente puede ser de alguna manera un disfraz de miedo e inacción

[15:03] just not going to deal with it
  simplemente no voy a lidiar con eso

[15:05] you might have also noticed this is a whole different realm when you checked out that relationship
  también podrías haber notado que este es un ámbito completamente diferente cuando revisaste esa relación

[15:10] that there's some way that you're unable to settle in and pay attention and be close
  que de alguna manera eres incapaz de asentarte y prestar atención y estar cerca

[15:16] because you're restlessly seeking something more and something different
  porque buscas inquietamente algo más y algo diferente

[15:21] this is the kind of pursuing Advantage reward
  este es el tipo de búsqueda de ventaja y recompensa

[15:25] and it's that kind of thing where this isn't it
  y es ese tipo de cosa donde esto no es

[15:28] the I'm not getting the love I need
  no estoy recibiendo el amor que necesito

[15:34] there's something more somewhere else
  hay algo más en otro lugar

[15:36] I'm not getting the entertainment
  no estoy recibiendo el entretenimiento

[15:37] I'm not getting the fun
  no estoy divirtiéndome

[15:40] I'm not getting the soothing
  no estoy recibiendo el consuelo

[15:40] I think it's so interesting with the personals how you know we see these descriptions of other people and they sound a certain way on paper that matches our ideal because we go around with these ideals of how people should be and then in person does it match
  Creo que es tan interesante con los anuncios personales cómo sabes que vemos estas descripciones de otras personas y suenan de cierta manera en el papel que coincide con nuestro ideal porque andamos con estos ideales de cómo deberían ser las personas y luego en persona, ¿coincide?

[16:02] rarely single black female seeks male companionship ethnicity unimportant
  raramente mujer negra soltera busca compañía masculina, etnia sin importancia

[16:07] I'm a very good-look girl who loves to play
  Soy una chica muy guapa a la que le encanta jugar

[16:10] I love long walks in the woods riding in your pickup truck hunting camping fishing trips cozy winter nights Lying by the fire candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand rub me right way and watch me respond
  Me encantan los largos paseos por el bosque, montar en tu camioneta, cazar, acampar, pescar, noches acogedoras de invierno, acostada junto al fuego, cenas a la luz de las velas me tendrán comiendo de tu mano, abrázame de la manera correcta y mírame responder

[16:20] I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me
  Estaré en la puerta principal cuando llegues a casa del trabajo, vistiendo solo lo que la naturaleza me dio

[16:27] kiss me and I'm Yours call and gives a phone number and asks for Daisy
  bésame y soy tuya, llama y da un número de teléfono y pide a Daisy

[16:32] so thousands of men have called up
  así que miles de hombres han llamado

[16:34] the number it was the Atlanta Humane Society black lab.
  el número era la Sociedad Humana de Atlanta, un labrador negro.

[16:43] so again the the idea is that we have an idea about how others should be and they don't match it and so we're seeking things to be different.
  así que de nuevo, la idea es que tenemos una idea de cómo deberían ser los demás y no coinciden con ella, y por eso buscamos que las cosas sean diferentes.

[17:09] so then finally there's the attaching that we have something that we like or want but we hold on real tight try to control to make sure we get to keep and then there's jealousy and possessiveness.
  así que finalmente está el apego, que tenemos algo que nos gusta o queremos pero nos aferramos muy fuerte, intentamos controlar para asegurarnos de que lo conservamos, y luego está la envidia y la posesividad.

[17:23] so these are these are just all the different ways that we create barriers.
  así que estas son, estas son solo todas las diferentes formas en que creamos barreras.

[17:29] and it's interesting and I invite you to check it out to watch your mind when you're in a relational.
  y es interesante y te invito a que lo compruebes, a que observes tu mente cuando estás en una relación.

[17:38] Situation, uh, especially ones that matter to us.
  Situación, eh, especialmente aquellas que nos importan.

[17:41] And you'll notice that it's a rare moment when we're not trying to move towards something else, make something happen, get away from something unpleasant, or hold on tight.
  Y notarás que es un momento raro cuando no estamos tratando de avanzar hacia otra cosa, hacer que algo suceda, alejarnos de algo desagradable o aferrarnos con fuerza.

[17:55] There's a rare moment when there's just open, loving presence.
  Hay un momento raro cuando solo hay presencia abierta y amorosa.

[18:04] We have deep conditioning to these different ways of pushing away, grasping.
  Tenemos un condicionamiento profundo a estas diferentes formas de apartar, de aferrarse.

[18:11] So again, just to take a moment to reflect and let your inquiry go a little deeper.
  Así que, de nuevo, solo tómate un momento para reflexionar y deja que tu indagación profundice un poco más.

[18:30] Just to bring that relationship to mind.
  Solo para traer esa relación a la mente.

[18:36] How do I create?
  ¿Cómo creo?

[18:47] Separation is it through judging am I pretending to be other than my authentic self?
  ¿La separación es a través del juicio? ¿Estoy pretendiendo ser otra cosa que mi yo auténtico?

[19:00] Am I grasping after more wanting something to be more or different?
  ¿Estoy anhelando más, queriendo que algo sea más o diferente?

[19:13] If you have a good sense of what you do to create distance, you might put yourself into the situation, your mind's eye, and sense what your body feels like when you're playing out the activity of either avoiding something or grasping after something judging.
  Si tienes una buena idea de lo que haces para crear distancia, podrías ponerte en la situación, en la imaginación, y sentir cómo se siente tu cuerpo cuando estás representando la actividad de evitar algo o anhelar algo juzgando.

[19:54] blaming notice how your mind is when you're you're in that mode of either judging or grasping or wanting something more.
  culpando nota cómo está tu mente cuando estás en ese modo de juzgar, o aferrarte, o desear algo más.

[20:09] preoccupied just the size of your mind space of your mind just sense if you can if you can tell that there's a narrowing of being.
  preocupado solo el tamaño de tu mente, el espacio de tu mente, solo siente si puedes, si puedes darte cuenta de que hay un estrechamiento del ser.

[20:20] there's a way in which you're narrowing away from your Hess cut off.
  hay una forma en la que te estás cerrando, alejado de tu Hess, desconectado.

[20:44] just honor this inquiry with that sense that it matters and you can keep on exploring this you can keep on posing this question in any.
  simplemente honra esta indagación con esa sensación de que importa y puedes seguir explorando esto, puedes seguir planteando esta pregunta en cualquier.

[20:56] moment how am I creating barriers to

[21:04] love so what we'll do now is I'm going

[21:07] to share with you a few stories um

[21:09] several of them are my own because this

[21:11] has been such a um such a live and juicy

[21:14] inquiry for me I love posing questions I

[21:17] mean I find that it just all of a sudden

[21:19] more truth opens up and the basic

[21:23] understanding is what dissolves the

[21:26] armor is recognizing it

[21:30] but recognition has different levels you

[21:32] can recognize it in kind of a glancing

[21:33] blow and go oh yeah I'm judging again

[21:36] are you can recognize in a deep way and

[21:38] really sink in and begin to unpack

[21:40] what's there okay so for

[21:44] me um some years ago I really got it

[21:49] that judgment and blame created distance

[21:52] for me and it wasn't the kind of

[21:55] Judgment of you know oh you're a

[21:57] wretched person kind of judgment it was

[21:59] much more subtle ways of a person just

[22:02] not matching up to what I thought they

[22:04] should be doing in that moment or

[22:06] whatever so I made a commitment to

[22:10] Bringing rain to blame uh because rain

[22:13] as many of you know is just a very

[22:15] simple way of bringing

[22:18] mindfulness to a situation the letters

[22:21] of the Acron help to slow us down so we

[22:26] can really bring presence R is recog

[22:28] recognize a is allow I is investigate

[22:33] it's this inquiry and you investigate

[22:35] with kindness It's an intimate

[22:37] investigation and the end of rain is the

[22:39] freedom where you're no longer

[22:40] identified with that small sliver of

[22:42] yourself you're back to that natural

[22:45] openhearted being

[22:47] presence okay so I decided I was going

[22:50] to bring rain to blame and what that

[22:51] meant was whenever I caught myself in

[22:53] the act you know and if I was in the

[22:56] middle of a conversation it would

[22:58] wouldn't be able to do it but whenever I

[23:00] recognize it I would try to take a

[23:01] little space and and unpack it with this

[23:04] kind of inquiry knowing that this was

[23:07] one of the barriers to love him

[23:11] so very soon after I made that

[23:13] commitment I was with my family for the

[23:16] holidays so you know the story I mean

[23:18] it's like what else of course I you know

[23:21] we all regress into our old roles and of

[23:24] course I had judgments about that and um

[23:27] so one night it was really you know very

[23:30] obvious and I kind of said all right I

[23:32] said I'd do this so I kind of put on my

[23:33] Parker I went outside and I was going to

[23:35] do rain to blame and and started you

[23:38] know first with rain it's just recognize

[23:41] and allow okay judging you know I was

[23:43] judging everybody I was even judging the

[23:45] dogs for how they were begging I mean I

[23:47] was like it was very pervasive so but

[23:51] you know it it's my son my father my

[23:53] mother so I you know I just said okay

[23:56] judging and let it be there the a allow

[24:00] is really important cuz if you don't

[24:02] make room for things to be as they are

[24:05] right now you can't begin the inquiry

[24:09] you're in

[24:10] reaction okay so the pausing the a is

[24:13] really

[24:14] important and then I began to inquire

[24:17] and I started saying okay so what's

[24:19] really between me and loving presence

[24:21] and I found this really tight squeezing

[24:24] knot where the in my body that related

[24:26] to the judging

[24:29] and so I started breathing with it and I

[24:31] allowed that to be there and I just said

[24:33] you know really be as much as you want

[24:34] to be and it was very intense and then

[24:37] at the inquiry was really what's the

[24:38] belief or view of this place in me

[24:41] that's all squeezed and at first it was

[24:43] Well everybody's doing things wrong but

[24:47] as it unlayered it was really I don't

[24:50] like myself you know it was I'm not

[24:53] doing this right because everything

[24:55] others were doing in some way translated

[24:58] to my own failures I wasn't being The

[25:01] Peacemaker I should be I wasn't being a

[25:03] good enough mother you know I was it was

[25:06] me so recognizing that okay that was

[25:11] between me and loving presence bringing

[25:13] that more attention and sensing how many

[25:16] moments in my life has that created a

[25:20] sense of

[25:21] distance how many moments being down on

[25:26] myself has separated me from others and

[25:30] then there was a kindness and I put my

[25:31] hand on my heart cuz that's what I often

[25:33] do when I'm bringing that intimate

[25:35] attention in the eye of rain you know

[25:38] I'm inquiring bring present and and

[25:41] gradually there was this tender open

[25:43] opening which is what happens space

[25:46] opens up it's a shift in identity I'm no

[25:49] longer in that I'm wrong you're wrong

[25:52] place it's like the space that's paying

[25:54] attention and kind and so that was the

[25:57] an of rain and interestingly it started

[26:00] raining it was funny so I kind of was

[26:01] scurrying back home but but I started

[26:03] bringing to mind the members of my

[26:05] family one by one and they were still

[26:08] doing quirky things that from

[26:11] discriminating wisdom they could have

[26:13] done it differently didn't matter didn't

[26:16] matter they were in my heart and I was

[26:18] in my heart and there was the heart

[26:20] space open rain on blame really

[26:24] really powerful and for me it's been

[26:28] this ongoing commitment that when I

[26:32] sense distance I'll say

[26:35] okay what am I doing to create a barrier

[26:38] and very often it's still judgment but

[26:42] the difference now because of that

[26:44] commitment to inquire is I catch it much

[26:47] much more quickly and I don't believe it

[26:50] so much like the judging is going on

[26:52] like as a matter of just rolling through

[26:55] but it's just a habit it's just like a

[26:56] little narrative that I'm not taking us

[27:00] seriously now there's different ways

[27:03] that this inquiry that roomie

[27:06] poses can help people one person I

[27:10] wanted to share with you is a a friend

[27:12] of mine who had had a number of failed

[27:15] romantic relationships in a

[27:17] row and she was just entering into a new

[27:21] one and really afraid she was going to

[27:24] sabotage it in all the way she always

[27:26] sabotaged things um

[27:28] she really liked this guy so she took on

[27:30] the question and the question is really

[27:32] you know how am I creating distance or

[27:36] separation she committed herself to what

[27:38] room said find the barriers to the

[27:42] loving and she started noticing the ways

[27:45] the activities that created distance how

[27:47] she was kept on testing them she was so

[27:49] insecure she kept testing them to see

[27:51] you know she would pretend disinterest

[27:53] and get busy and see if he would you

[27:55] know come come forth and um

[27:58] you know she latched onto judgment his

[28:00] way of driving of course that's going be

[28:02] a big one she was critical of his

[28:04] favorite movie which is that time was

[28:06] Fight Club which I actually think was a

[28:08] good movie but she was critical of it

[28:10] you know she was she's projected that he

[28:13] was judging her at times when she when

[28:15] she confessed to being really angry at

[28:16] her sister for something stupid so you

[28:18] know she just found herself doing these

[28:20] things but each time she would pause and

[28:24] say you know ask this question how am I

[28:26] creating distance and she'd started

[28:28] investigating them and find that

[28:31] underneath them was this belief I'm

[28:34] going to be hurt same belief I'm going

[28:36] to be rejected anybody that gets to know

[28:38] me will reject me and then underneath

[28:40] that the

[28:41] fear so instead of going ahead and

[28:44] playing out her behaviors she was

[28:47] pausing and being with that

[28:50] fear and she gradually started sensing

[28:53] that she could be a compassionate

[28:54] presence to that fear and not

[28:57] necessarily Act each time she had this

[28:59] impulse to you know go ahead and follow

[29:01] up on her judgment or her dising

[29:04] behaviors and the good news is and the

[29:07] they were both meditating so they both

[29:10] had this capacity to name and

[29:12] investigate it takes a certain amount of

[29:14] mindfulness

[29:15] training they started sharing with each

[29:17] other the ways that they became aware

[29:21] that they were uh creating

[29:24] separation and if there's any recipe in

[29:26] the world for in y it's that kind of

[29:30] Truth

[29:31] telling this relationship

[29:34] continued

[29:36] so discovering that our path is not to

[29:40] seek for love we're not trying to

[29:43] cultivate something rather we're looking

[29:45] to see what's happening to make

[29:49] distance now sometimes that inquiry can

[29:53] unravel in a way that that surprises us

[29:56] and I share um a story I think a few

[30:01] years ago I might have shared to some to

[30:03] in one of these classes um I was going

[30:07] to do a presentation at a conference in

[30:10] San Diego and the hotel was about a half

[30:13] an hour out of uh the airport and this

[30:18] cab driver um I I asked him if he knew

[30:21] where the hotel was oh yeah yeah yeah

[30:22] yeah I know I know I know I know is a

[30:24] latino man who's very you know kind of

[30:26] very poor English we you know I saw IID

[30:30] read that the airport was 25 minutes

[30:32] something like that well at about 45

[30:35] minutes when we were going around this

[30:36] industrial park and circling around in

[30:38] parking lots I realized he had no idea

[30:41] where he was going and then at around 55

[30:44] minutes I started really you know asking

[30:47] him questions well he was um pretty uh

[30:51] freaked out himself you know he was

[30:53] increasingly distressed and at one

[30:55] point he was driving faster faster I

[30:58] noticed that headlights were coming

[31:00] right in our Direction and I yelled out

[31:03] and he went like this with the wheel and

[31:06] went over the median and got us going in

[31:07] the right direction he was going he was

[31:09] so confused he was going against on a

[31:12] highway the anyway so I went from being

[31:17] you know I I had yelled and I was

[31:19] terrified to this kind of surreal calm

[31:23] he got he he got to the hotel and I was

[31:27] it was almost like I was detached and I

[31:29] remember and I looked at him and I just

[31:31] said very gently you know well you

[31:33] understand I can't pay you for this you

[31:36] know um and you know it was it was it

[31:39] was like um how how to say it um that

[31:45] you know I was this errant man and it

[31:47] just a destiny like I just of course I

[31:49] wasn't going to pay and and he just kind

[31:51] of gave me a kind of look and and we

[31:54] left so I went upstairs and my real

[31:58] State kind of dissolved and I found that

[32:00] I was uh very agitated really agitated

[32:05] so I kind of the inquiry okay so what's

[32:07] between me and presence or me

[32:09] and being okay being happy whatever and

[32:13] I realized and it was very very

[32:16] quickly you know I kind of put aside the

[32:18] story of what just happened that I had a

[32:20] huge amount of Shame huge and um I felt

[32:26] really mean I felt bad I felt

[32:29] punitive and so I started inquiring I

[32:32] said okay so you know what what happened

[32:35] what was between me and loving presence

[32:39] you know like what what really went went

[32:41] on and I started discovering these

[32:44] beliefs that I had been inside and this

[32:47] kind of a trance of you know he's

[32:50] supposed to know his job I'm supposed to

[32:53] be treated a certain way like I'm the

[32:55] passenger and I should be taken where

[32:57] I'm entitled to be taken to where I am

[32:58] supposed to get to in a certain amount

[32:59] of time and my life is not supposed to

[33:01] be at risk you had an idea of how it was

[33:03] supposed to be and it was almost like I

[33:06] went into this role of this entitled

[33:08] offended person who of course wasn't

[33:10] going to pay but there was a kind of

[33:12] superiority at it and I and I think of

[33:15] it in retrospect as kind of a cultural

[33:18] thing too my it was like I was in the

[33:21] state where I was being kind of gentle

[33:22] and a little bit like of course I can't

[33:24] pay you it's like this child you know

[33:26] you didn't you have to you need a

[33:28] timeout you know it was it was Superior

[33:30] you

[33:31] know and and in a way it was the

[33:33] blindness of white privilege it was very

[33:36] cultural it felt like deep shame and I

[33:38] feel even in sharing the story there's I

[33:41] share a lot of stories about myself and

[33:43] often I'm no no longer can feel in my

[33:46] body so much the the um yuckiness but

[33:51] this one I can I it's it was very

[33:53] painful wasn't that long ago it's just a

[33:55] couple years ago Caesar when I say oh

[33:58] about 15 years ago I did this dumb thing

[34:00] you know but it's not one of those so

[34:04] the barrier I created was the story of

[34:07] who I was and this kind of

[34:10] entitlement of um you know how I was

[34:13] supposed to be treated that blinded me

[34:15] to his vulnerability to the fact that he

[34:17] was poor and scared and new in the

[34:20] country and struggling and probably had

[34:22] a family that needed you know I could

[34:24] afford to pay

[34:26] it my point in sharing the story is we

[34:29] go into a trance that really cuts off

[34:33] the sensitivity of our

[34:35] hearts and if we want to be

[34:39] free this

[34:41] inquiry and it's an inquiry to ask over

[34:43] and over and and as much as we can

[34:47] remember um what is between me and

[34:50] loving

[34:52] presence share with you an interesting

[34:54] kind of update on this story tonight I

[34:58] came into the parking lot I have um a

[35:00] spot that's usually saved for me there's

[35:01] two cones and cuz I sometimes get caught

[35:04] in traffic and I need to get here and be

[35:05] able to settle in so Janet kindly Janet

[35:09] and Gary put out the so I went to my

[35:12] drove to where my spot is but the cones

[35:13] are put aside and another car was there

[35:16] and I got this wave of right you know

[35:18] I'm the teacher here and I need to get

[35:20] in and I have a job to do and somebody

[35:22] took my SP you know so I parked and I

[35:24] ran into my friend Barry and we were

[35:25] laughing about it cuz it was really no

[35:27] different sure you know it's good for me

[35:30] to have my place there but I'm here and

[35:33] the fact that I snapped into this kind

[35:36] of entitled righteous outrage thing

[35:39] that's a reflex that's

[35:42] trance that was between me and loving

[35:45] presence until I you know recognized it

[35:49] some now if you happen to be sitting

[35:51] here thinking oh I was the

[35:55] one I just want you to know I I did take

[35:58] your license plate

[36:03] but I'm kidding it it was a gift in

[36:06] Disguise I got to hang out with a good

[36:08] buddy for a few minutes

[36:15] [Music]