The 5 Sentences That Turn The Tables
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD1RI50NXzk
[00:00] You're sitting in a doctor's office.
[00:02] You're sitting in a doctor's office.
[00:02] You've been waiting for a minute.
[00:04] The door opens.
[00:04] The doctor walks in, sits down, looks at the chart for a second, not at you, and says, "It looks like we've been dealing with this for a while now."
[00:12] And then the doctor looks up and says, "What are we hoping to accomplish today?"
[00:19] Nothing aggressive, kind of standard, nothing weird uh really happened, but something moved there in your psychology.
[00:29] I want you to catch what it was.
[00:31] That first line that the doctor said to you that is a frame.
[00:33] So it plants the idea that this this problem is ongoing.
[00:38] It also says that everything is shared.
[00:40] It says we, not you.
[00:43] So that situation carries weight.
[00:45] You didn't agree to any of that stuff, but your nervous system filled in all the blanks as truth.
[00:53] So then the question the doctor asks, what are we hoping to accomplish today?
[00:57] That's obviously not a real question.
[00:59] It tells you the the scope of what you're allowed to desire, what you can want.
[01:02] allowed to desire, what you can want.
[01:04] It already assumes there's a shared goal already assumes there's a shared goal with a little uh fence around it.
[01:09] with a little uh fence around it.
[01:11] So, you walk in as this person with a body and a question or two.
[01:14] 10 seconds later, you're a collaborative patient
[01:18] that was working on a teammanaged
[01:21] problem with very limited objectives.
[01:24] So all those moments use the exact same
[01:27] architecture to come together.
[01:30] It's a statement that sets the frame and a
[01:32] question that locks you inside of it.
[01:36] We did it for years, hundreds of rooms,
[01:38] thousands of conversations.
[01:39] So by the end of tonight, you will see it and
[01:41] you're going to see it everywhere.
[01:46] Here's
[01:49] where most people start off when they try to take control of a conversation.
[01:54] They ask a question.
[01:57] That's usually the whole move.
[01:59] They walk into a room, a doctor's office,
[02:01] negotiation, a meeting with somebody uh
[02:04] negotiation, a meeting with somebody uh who outranks them, let's say.
[02:06] So, what who outranks them, let's say.
[02:09] So, what are we told by so many leaders and stuff?
[02:11] Ask better questions.
[02:13] The person asking the questions controls the conversation.
[02:15] You've heard that before.
[02:17] probably every sales book out there, every leadership seminar, all that kind of communication course kind of stuff.
[02:21] And it's absolutely wrong.
[02:23] It's it's totally wrong.
[02:26] Questions do matter, but a question by itself and is what I will call a naked question, strip naked question with nothing in front of it, it doesn't really control anything.
[02:32] So all the naked question does is operate inside of whatever frame is already running.
[02:46] And in most places that frame doesn't might not belong to you.
[02:51] And if you think about this for one second, you walk into a doctor's office and say, "Can you explain what's going on with my blood work?"
[02:59] Great question, right?
[03:02] It's reasonable.
[03:02] It's super clear and it does just about nothing to really change the
[03:04] just about nothing to really change the dynamic.
[03:06] You're a patient requesting information from an authority.
[03:08] So the frame was set the moment you sat down on that chair and your question is confirmed.
[03:11] So you're asking from below.
[03:15] It's the same thing in a corporate environment.
[03:16] You're in a meeting at some VP senior person and you say, you know, what's the priority on this project going forward or what's what's the deadline here?
[03:27] Great question, but all it does is reinforce that the VP decides the priority and you are the one receiving an answer.
[03:32] Right?
[03:35] So the question didn't take anything.
[03:37] it gave something away, gave away your your frame, your uh position.
[03:41] Then if you go somewhere higher stakes, blah blah blah, and you say, you know, what would it take to settle this before we go to trial?
[03:51] So you just showed your hand, right?
[03:57] That's a naked question.
[03:59] All five of these kind of do something different.
[04:01] They kind of set someone up for a different type of frame.
[04:03] And each one of these kind of makes a category of
[04:06] one of these kind of makes a category of question possible.
[04:09] question possible.
[04:13] So the first type is pacing.
[04:17] And pacing is the simplest and probably the most powerful.
[04:21] So a pacing statement describes what is already observably true.
[04:24] That's all it does.
[04:26] You're stating a reality as it is.
[04:30] It's something the other person can they can see it, they can feel it, they probably already know it or they're absolutely going to agree with it.
[04:35] The reason that this is so powerful is is kind of simple here.
[04:38] You say something true, the nervous system says, "Yep, internally there's this little microaggreement that happens below our awareness."
[04:46] And once that little yes is running, whatever comes next can ride on it, especially if it's a question.
[04:54] So an example of this might be a boss coming in and saying, you know, we've we've been going back and forth on this for a couple of weeks now.
[05:02] That's pacing, right?
[05:05] So you just you call it whatever you want, but it's just
[05:06] call it whatever you want, but it's just true.
[05:08] And because it's true, there's nothing to resist.
[05:10] The other person's critical faculty has no desire to activate or turn on.
[05:13] They hear it, they agree internally, and whatever comes next is kind of already in agreement mode a little bit.
[05:15] And when they realize it's a question, they get forced into the frame.
[05:17] Let's do a a corporate setting really quick.
[05:19] So let's say a boss comes in uh or let's say you are walking in talking to people and you say, you know, the team hit every benchmark on the last two quarters and now you ask what would need to be true to expand the budget for next quarter.
[05:21] So that question without the pacing statement sounds like you're asking for money.
[05:23] With the pacing statement, it sounds like the logical next step.
[05:26] So, the brain kind of grabs on to it a little bit.
[05:28] The statement did all the work.
[05:31] The question just walks through the door.
[05:32] Type number two is alignment.
[05:35] And you're like, "Oh, alignment kind of sounds like pacing."
[05:38] It's different because pacing
[06:09] pacing." It's different because pacing is describing reality.
[06:12] Alignment is describing reality.
[06:15] Alignment describes a shared intent or a common desired outcome, if you want to say it that way.
[06:18] You're telling the other person before they've committed to anything that both of you are on the same side.
[06:22] So what this does neurologically, it collapses that adversarial frame.
[06:27] So the moment someone hears, you know, we're trying to solve the same problem, even if they haven't agreed to that yet, their nervous system starts orienting framing into cooperation mode.
[06:40] And they didn't decide to.
[06:43] The frame told them to do that.
[06:47] So, like an example is like I want to make sure we're both getting what we need out of this.
[06:51] Simple, calm, does something very specific.
[06:53] It makes it almost impossible for the other person to be really adversarial without looking stupid cuz you basically just shared a declared purpose.
[07:04] So, if they push back, they're pushing pushing back against collaboration.
[07:07] And right after that,
[07:11] collaboration.
[07:14] And right after that, what would it look like if we cut one initiative to protect the other three?
[07:17] But with that statement, you become a strategic thinker type of person.
[07:21] An alignment statement doesn't mean that they agree that we're sharing a fact.
[07:25] They'll agree that we have something in common.
[07:30] All right. So, type number three is resonance statements.
[07:33] And this is the one probably I would assume most people will probably mess up because it requires you to actually see the other person uh like to see what they're carrying into the room and name it before that person names it.
[07:45] So what we're really doing is reflecting the other person's internal state, their priority, their frustration, maybe something they're pissed off about, showing that to them.
[07:57] And when you do that accurately, something happens that you can literally watch.
[08:02] Their shoulders are going to drop.
[08:04] You can see this.
[08:07] Their breathing changes because somebody just told them they don't have to fight
[08:11] Just told them they don't have to fight to be understood because that's what most of us walk into a room hoping.
[08:16] So the fight that they were preparing for kind of evaporates a little bit.
[08:20] In a corporate world, you might hear something like, 'I could be wrong, but I think you're frustrated because this is the third time the scope of this project has changed.'
[08:29] And nobody has acknowledged that it cost you something every single time.
[08:33] And right after that, what would make this version feel worth committing to for you?
[08:41] So they were ready to fight, right?
[08:43] But we take it out of the room by naming what nobody else is going to name.
[08:47] Resonance is the most powerful of these five to me in my opinion.
[08:51] The fourth decision type, this is concession.
[08:56] This one's great, especially if you want to take authority and make it sound like you're not.
[09:00] But the frame is more powerful than everything.
[09:03] So, we're basically giving up a little bit of ground.
[09:08] We're acknowledging some kind of a cost that we had to pay or a limitation that we have, maybe a mistake.
[09:12] limitation that we have, maybe a mistake that we made or that we're going through.
[09:15] that we made or that we're going through something difficult or having a hard time doing something and we're doing it.
[09:16] something difficult or having a hard time doing something and we're doing it before the other person forces us to.
[09:18] time doing something and we're doing it before the other person forces us to.
[09:22] before the other person forces us to. That means we're in charge.
[09:24] That means we're in charge. The reason this works so well, I think, is because it disarms a counterattack before the counterattack can be launched at all.
[09:27] this works so well, I think, is because it disarms a counterattack before the counterattack can be launched at all.
[09:30] counterattack can be launched at all. So, most people that work in super high frame environments are always ready for a fight.
[09:32] So, most people that work in super high frame environments are always ready for a fight.
[09:35] frame environments are always ready for a fight. If you think of like the show Suits, which is about a lawyer who spends his life posturing in full posturing uh pretend alpha mode, but but these people walk around braced.
[09:37] a fight. If you think of like the show Suits, which is about a lawyer who spends his life posturing in full posturing uh pretend alpha mode, but but these people walk around braced.
[09:40] Suits, which is about a lawyer who spends his life posturing in full posturing uh pretend alpha mode, but but these people walk around braced.
[09:43] spends his life posturing in full posturing uh pretend alpha mode, but but these people walk around braced.
[09:45] posturing uh pretend alpha mode, but but these people walk around braced.
[09:49] uh they have their objections. They have like a full magazine of objections ready to go.
[09:52] these people walk around braced. uh they have their objections. They have like a full magazine of objections ready to go.
[09:54] have their objections. They have like a full magazine of objections ready to go.
[09:58] full magazine of objections ready to go. You say, you know, what would need to be true for you to say yes to to me anyway on this?
[10:00] You say, you know, what would need to be true for you to say yes to to me anyway on this?
[10:03] true for you to say yes to to me anyway on this? So, that's a question that you cannot ever ask uh without that concession first, right?
[10:06] on this? So, that's a question that you cannot ever ask uh without that concession first, right?
[10:08] cannot ever ask uh without that concession first, right? It would sound arrogant, super arrogant, but after the
[10:10] concession first, right? It would sound arrogant, super arrogant, but after the
[10:13] arrogant, super arrogant, but after the concession, it sounds like the kind of concession, it sounds like the kind of direct thing that gets respect because direct thing that gets respect because you earned the respect first in like 10 seconds it took you to make that seconds it took you to make that statement.
[10:23] So, the concession is never weakness.
[10:25] That's the one thing I just want to leave you with on this one.
[10:27] It's the thing that kind of earns you the right to ask a deep question or a hard question.
[10:33] So, concessions should always come before hard questions.
[10:38] The fifth is presupposition.
[10:41] And this is the sharpest tool in the kit.
[10:43] And I think it's the one that people underestimate because it looks like it's doing very little.
[10:50] A presupposition statement embeds an assumption as a fact by treating it like it's already been established.
[10:57] So the assumption lives inside the language like a foundation under a house.
[11:01] You might say since we're moving forward with the expansion even though nobody said we're moving forward just yet hasn't been decided but your brain kind of treats the sentence as subtle depending on the environment the other
[11:15] depending on the environment the other person would have to stop back up and
[11:16] person would have to stop back up and explicitly challenge you.
[11:19] explicitly challenge you.
[11:19] And in a corporate world, the presupposition is
[11:22] corporate world, the presupposition is like, you know, now that we've
[11:23] like, you know, now that we've established this team can deliver at
[11:25] established this team can deliver at this level, what is the argument against
[11:28] this level, what is the argument against giving us more runway on the next phase
[11:30] giving us more runway on the next phase on the next project that we do?
[11:33] on the next project that we do?
[11:33] That's why these questions become so massively
[11:35] why these questions become so massively powerful in setting a frame and
[11:37] powerful in setting a frame and controlling the frame and getting
[11:38] controlling the frame and getting outcomes.
[11:41] outcomes.
[11:41] Presupposition does the selling.
[11:43] selling.
[11:43] The question just asks them to argue against something that feels
[11:44] argue against something that feels already decided.
[11:49] Look, I know you don't want to watch
[11:50] Look, I know you don't want to watch another end.
[11:53] I don't blame you.
[11:53] But I have seen this change too many lives to
[11:55] have seen this change too many lives to just let you scroll past it.
[11:57] just let you scroll past it.
[11:57] There's a moment that most people have where
[11:59] moment that most people have where something feels off in a conversation
[12:02] something feels off in a conversation and we ignore it.
[12:05] and we ignore it.
[12:05] And it's not because you're wrong, but it's just cuz we don't
[12:07] you're wrong, but it's just cuz we don't trust what we're seeing.
[12:08] trust what we're seeing.
[12:08] And that's where all of this starts.
[12:11] where all of this starts.
[12:11] NCI level one isn't about learning a bunch of tricks.
[12:13] isn't about learning a bunch of tricks.
[12:13] It's about finally understanding what
[12:16] It's about finally understanding what you've been noticing your whole life.
[12:18] You've been noticing your whole life already.
[12:21] You start to see behavior a lot more clearly.
[12:23] The body language, the emotional shifts, the intent that's behind someone's actions.
[12:26] So, you don't guess anymore.
[12:28] You read what's going on.
[12:31] You understand what's going on, and you can actually respond with precision.
[12:33] Most people ignore what they see.
[12:36] This is where you learn to trust it.
[12:39] NCI1 is a foundational course in behavior profiling and the link is right down in the description.
[12:41] So the statement by itself obviously not going to do very much.
[12:44] It might land, it might not, but it doesn't require anything from the other person till we get to the question phase.
[12:46] The question is what forces participation.
[12:48] We're making the other person step inside the frame and act like it belongs to them like it has the whole time.
[12:50] There again, there's five types here.
[12:53] They move faster than the statement because once the statement's done the work, the question doesn't need to be really complicated.
[12:54] Doesn't need to be a complex question.
[13:18] complex question.
[13:18] So, the first question is directional.
[13:21] So, the first question is directional.
[13:21] And a directional question, and I know this sounds like, oh, I've got to mix up these two different sets of five, which could be, I guess, 25 possible scenarios.
[13:24] And a directional question, and I know this sounds like, oh, I've got to mix up
[13:25] this sounds like, oh, I've got to mix up these two different sets of five, which
[13:27] these two different sets of five, which could be, I guess, 25 possible
[13:29] could be, I guess, 25 possible scenarios.
[13:29] I promise you'll have a a framework for this.
[13:32] scenarios. I promise you'll have a a framework for this.
[13:32] And even if you screw this up, you're going to learn it in no time.
[13:34] framework for this. And even if you screw this up, you're going to learn it
[13:36] screw this up, you're going to learn it in no time.
[13:36] It's going to be your go-to technique.
[13:39] in no time. It's going to be your go-to technique.
[13:39] Okay. So, directional question points toward a conclusion without stating it.
[13:41] technique. Okay. So, directional question points toward a conclusion
[13:44] question points toward a conclusion without stating it.
[13:44] So, we're building a little hallway that only goes one direction and then asking them to kind of walk.
[13:46] without stating it. So, we're building a little hallway that only goes one
[13:48] little hallway that only goes one direction and then asking them to kind
[13:50] direction and then asking them to kind of walk.
[13:50] What do you think happens to the team if we keep running at this pace for another 6 months?
[13:52] of walk. What do you think happens to the team if we keep running at this pace
[13:54] the team if we keep running at this pace for another 6 months?
[13:54] We don't say the team's going to burn out.
[13:57] for another 6 months? We don't say the team's going to burn out.
[13:57] They arrived at the answer themselves.
[13:59] team's going to burn out. They arrived at the answer themselves.
[13:59] It's their conclusion now.
[14:02] at the answer themselves. It's their conclusion now.
[14:02] They're going to own it.
[14:04] conclusion now. They're going to own it.
[14:04] So, you didn't argue anything.
[14:04] You're not you're not pushing anybody and just pointing and letting their brain do all the rest of the work.
[14:05] So, you didn't argue anything. You're not you're not pushing anybody and just
[14:07] not you're not pushing anybody and just pointing and letting their brain do all
[14:09] pointing and letting their brain do all the rest of the work.
[14:09] It's the power of a directional question.
[14:10] the rest of the work. It's the power of a directional question.
[14:10] If you say if we don't address this in the next quarter, where is that going to leave us going into the next fiscal year?
[14:13] a directional question. If you say if we don't address this in the next quarter,
[14:14] don't address this in the next quarter, where is that going to leave us going
[14:16] where is that going to leave us going into the next fiscal year?
[14:19] into the next fiscal year?
[14:21] All right. So, type number two is the assumptive question.
[14:24] The assumptive question jumps over the decision and ask about what comes after it.
[14:30] So, the decision itself that I want this person to make is never even questioned.
[14:32] it's treated as already made.
[14:34] So, we might say when we roll this out next month, do you want to start with the East Coast team or go like companywide with all this?
[14:38] Or instead of do you want to um you ask advice?
[14:46] So, like when we roll this out next month, do you think it would be the wisest to do a little bit at a time or launch companywide all the off the fastest?
[14:55] I'm just curious cuz I've seen you do a lot of uh interesting stuff that seemed to work out before.
[15:00] So, nobody said we're rolling this out.
[15:02] Nobody said it's happening next month, but the question blew past that stuff and they kind of accepted it.
[15:08] That's the the question type that pairs probably most naturally with presupposition, right?
[15:13] And then which probably makes sense to everybody.
[15:14] The statement installs a little assumption and then the assumptive asks them to operate
[15:19] the assumptive asks them to operate inside of it.
[15:23] inside of it. But number three is elicitation.
[15:25] But number three is elicitation. Elicitation is the art of getting
[15:27] Elicitation is the art of getting information. Seth, you said NLP
[15:30] information. Seth, you said NLP technique. What? I I think you
[15:31] technique. What? I I think you misspelled Plato is the art of getting
[15:33] misspelled Plato is the art of getting data from people without the other
[15:35] data from people without the other person feeling like they're giving it to
[15:38] person feeling like they're giving it to you. So most questions feel like
[15:40] you. So most questions feel like extraction, interrogation. You know what
[15:42] extraction, interrogation. You know what they do? They shine a light on your
[15:44] they do? They shine a light on your intent. So if you need to be a little
[15:46] intent. So if you need to be a little bit more indirect, this is what you're
[15:49] bit more indirect, this is what you're going to do. So we don't get someone's
[15:51] going to do. So we don't get someone's guard up. We don't let them filter and
[15:53] guard up. We don't let them filter and we don't let them manage what they
[15:55] we don't let them manage what they share. We make them less cautious about
[15:57] share. We make them less cautious about management. Elicitation should feel more
[15:59] management. Elicitation should feel more like a conversation, like thinking out
[16:02] like a conversation, like thinking out loud together. So, it's not that
[16:04] loud together. So, it's not that somebody decides to hand you something
[16:06] somebody decides to hand you something because you asked. The question made it
[16:07] because you asked. The question made it feel or the statement made it feel like
[16:09] feel or the statement made it feel like a natural thing. And you might, and
[16:11] a natural thing. And you might, and these sound similar to the questions
[16:13] these sound similar to the questions except they're statements. You might
[16:15] except they're statements. You might say, you know, I've been trying to
[16:16] say, you know, I've been trying to figure out how teams like yours usually
[16:19] figure out how teams like yours usually handle the budgeting on something this
[16:22] handle the budgeting on something this massive.
[16:24] massive. So, no question mark. And that's part of the point.
[16:28] So number four is the reframe.
[16:30] So number four is the reframe. My favorite.
[16:32] favorite. And the cool thing about number four is it it's like a Lego that
[16:34] number four is it it's like a Lego that fits all of the statements.
[16:37] So a reframe question takes a current lens, whatever
[16:40] the other person is kind of looking through and then kind of swaps it
[16:41] through and then kind of swaps it without announcing it obviously.
[16:43] without announcing it obviously. So the question itself is the lens change, not
[16:45] question itself is the lens change, not the statement.
[16:48] So you might say, you know, what if this isn't a budget problem?
[16:50] know, what if this isn't a budget problem? What if it's a sequencing problem?
[16:52] problem? What if it's a sequencing problem? And then they're going to be like, "What? Explain. What do you mean?"
[16:54] problem? And then they're going to be like, "What? Explain. What do you mean?"
[16:56] like, "What? Explain. What do you mean?" Everything up to this point has been about money.
[16:57] Everything up to this point has been about money. Everybody in the room is thinking about money.
[16:59] about money. Everybody in the room is thinking about money. And in one sentence, you can pick up the lens they
[17:00] thinking about money. And in one sentence, you can pick up the lens they were all looking through and replace it
[17:02] sentence, you can pick up the lens they were all looking through and replace it in one little question.
[17:04] were all looking through and replace it in one little question. So now, anyone who keeps talking about a budget sounds
[17:06] in one little question. So now, anyone who keeps talking about a budget sounds like they missed the real issue here.
[17:08] So now, anyone who keeps talking about a budget sounds like they missed the real issue here. Or you might say something like, you know,
[17:10] like they missed the real issue here. Or you might say something like, you know, what would we be doing differently if we knew this deal was going to close?
[17:12] you might say something like, you know, what would we be doing differently if we knew this deal was going to close?
[17:14] knew this deal was going to close? So that shifts the entire frame.
[17:17] So that shifts the entire frame. And that would be like an internal team. Like I'm
[17:19] that shifts the entire frame. And that would be like an internal team. Like I'm
[17:20] And that would be like an internal team. Like I'm
[17:22] would be like an internal team.
[17:22] Like I'm not going to say that to a client.
[17:25] not going to say that to a client.
[17:25] Number five is diagnostic.
[17:28] A diagnostic question.
[17:28] This is kind of like power position.
[17:30] And a diagnostic question puts you in the role of the one evaluating.
[17:32] This is the most powerful when you need to like slap a frame down and not trigger that person's ego at all cuz it's in the form of a question.
[17:41] So the moment you're in that little role, the other person's role of being assessed whether they realize it or not.
[17:47] And typically they won't.
[17:48] So you might say to somebody, "Yeah, I'm just curious.
[17:51] uh walk me through how how you arrived at that number.
[17:56] And notice how just the phrase I'm just curious allows you to be able to say whatever you want, even if it's to somebody that's an authority figure.
[18:03] It positions you as the one who needs to be satisfied.
[18:06] The other person's kind of justifying, explaining, and maybe just building a case for you.
[18:10] Or you might say, "Help me understand the thinking behind that that timeline."
[18:15] Exact same move, asking them to show their work, just like in high school, right?
[18:19] And the person showing their work
[18:24] right?
[18:26] And the person showing their work is never ever the one holding you is never ever the one holding you frankly.
[18:28] The person asking to see the work, that's where the authority sits.
[18:30] And you're doing that covertly.
[18:34] I want to talk about what happens when this doesn't work really quick.
[18:37] Inevitably going to happen.
[18:39] So everything I just showed you does work.
[18:41] Trying is the opposite of having.
[18:43] So the moment they can see effort, the game is over.
[18:46] And if you're in a relationship or you know a narcissist or you work with a narcissist, you become the person reaching and they become the person like sitting back watching you do all the reaching.
[18:48] Right?
[18:57] So here is what you do instead.
[18:59] And I guarantee you this will work.
[19:05] Step one, you read the miss.
[19:07] You read what did I miss a little bit.
[19:09] So before you do anything, you need to know what happened cuz not all misses are the same.
[19:11] Sometimes it's cuz the other person wasn't listening.
[19:13] They're in their own head.
[19:15] They're already three moves ahead in their own agenda in their mind.
[19:16] So your statement was technically perfect and absolutely well executed.
[19:19] It just showed up in an empty space.
[19:21] Nobody
[19:27] just showed up in an empty space.
[19:29] Nobody was home to really receive it cuz they was home to really receive it cuz they were in their head.
[19:31] Which means I have a focus generation problem.
[19:34] Right?
[19:34] So the statement was fine.
[19:36] The tactic was fine.
[19:38] I have a problem generating focus in human beings.
[19:40] Sometimes it's not going to land because they heard it and maybe they rejected the premise.
[19:46] You've tried to pace reality and their version of reality is just way different.
[19:50] You ever try to talk to a schizophrenic and say,
[19:52] "Dude, I promise you they're not sending radio signals through the cavity fillings in your teeth.
[19:56] It's not real.
[19:58] It's not happening."
[20:00] And you're an idiot.
[20:02] You're just an idiot who doesn't know.
[20:03] You tried an argument.
[20:05] They want to be aligned with you.
[20:05] You tried a presupposition.
[20:07] Maybe they caught it.
[20:09] This is a different problem.
[20:11] They're not like tuned out or absent in any way at all.
[20:13] They're actively holding a different frame and yours just bounced off.
[20:18] Step two here, if the thing doesn't work, is release the frame to the universe.
[20:20] Set it free.
[20:23] You don't care about the frame.
[20:25] Let it go.
[20:25] Whatever the hell you just tried to install, drop it.
[20:28] hell you just tried to install, drop it. Don't reference it again. Don't try to
[20:30] Don't reference it again. Don't try to build on top of it. It didn't take. And
[20:33] build on top of it. It didn't take. And going back to it makes you look like
[20:35] going back to it makes you look like somebody with a plan that sucks. or no
[20:37] somebody with a plan that sucks. or no skills. And this is the hardest part for
[20:39] skills. And this is the hardest part for most people because you prepared, you
[20:41] most people because you prepared, you had a statement, you had the question
[20:43] had a statement, you had the question loaded up and the instinct, I need to
[20:45] loaded up and the instinct, I need to salvage the approach. And how do I
[20:47] salvage the approach. And how do I salvage it? Everything I planned for.
[20:49] salvage it? Everything I planned for. The willingness to let that go is what
[20:51] The willingness to let that go is what keeps you in the game here. So the
[20:54] keeps you in the game here. So the person who drops it without flinching at
[20:56] person who drops it without flinching at all and then moves is dangerous cuz they
[21:00] all and then moves is dangerous cuz they showed you that they have more than one
[21:02] showed you that they have more than one way in. Which brings us to step three.
[21:05] way in. Which brings us to step three. We shift the class, change it. So we
[21:08] We shift the class, change it. So we tried one class of statement and it
[21:10] tried one class of statement and it didn't land and we try a different one.
[21:13] didn't land and we try a different one. Not a different version of the same
[21:15] Not a different version of the same thing, a different class of statement.
[21:18] thing, a different class of statement. So if you open with pacing and they
[21:19] So if you open with pacing and they rejected your version of reality, you
[21:23] rejected your version of reality, you don't pace harder. Think about that
[21:25] don't pace harder. Think about that really quick. Like pacing got rejected,
[21:27] really quick. Like pacing got rejected, you're like, "No, no, I'm going to pace
[21:28] you're like, "No, no, I'm going to pace hard. I'm going to 10x. I'm going to 10x
[21:30] hard. I'm going to 10x. I'm going to 10x this thing." Bad idea. So instead of
[21:33] this thing." Bad idea. So instead of that, I moved to resonance. Name what
[21:36] that, I moved to resonance. Name what you see in them instead of describing
[21:38] you see in them instead of describing the situation. That's a completely
[21:40] the situation. That's a completely different entry point. So if you tried
[21:42] different entry point. So if you tried alignment and they didn't want to play
[21:44] alignment and they didn't want to play on the same team, we move to concession.
[21:46] on the same team, we move to concession. This make sense? So we give ground.
[21:49] This make sense? So we give ground. Acknowledge something that's real that
[21:51] Acknowledge something that's real that does something that alignment can't do
[21:53] does something that alignment can't do against a hostile frame. And step four,
[21:58] against a hostile frame. And step four, you kind of deploy that new player
[21:59] you kind of deploy that new player pairing, a new statement class, a new
[22:01] pairing, a new statement class, a new question type. exact same destination,
[22:03] question type. exact same destination, totally different door at this time. And
[22:05] totally different door at this time. And here's the thing. I think your your
[22:07] here's the thing. I think your your brains are all forgetting right now or
[22:09] brains are all forgetting right now or not aware of right now. Not forgetting
[22:12] not aware of right now. Not forgetting is the second attempt actually has a
[22:15] is the second attempt actually has a huge advantage. I think the first
[22:17] huge advantage. I think the first attempt doesn't have an advantage
[22:19] attempt doesn't have an advantage because now you have data. You know what
[22:22] because now you have data. You know what didn't work. You know something about
[22:24] didn't work. You know something about how they hold their frame, what they
[22:25] how they hold their frame, what they protect, what they dismiss, what they're
[22:28] protect, what they dismiss, what they're going to try to counter offer. So, your
[22:30] going to try to counter offer. So, your first attempt was just a read and your
[22:32] first attempt was just a read and your second attempt is way more
[22:33] second attempt is way more well-informed. So, the best operators
[22:36] well-informed. So, the best operators that I've ever watched in my life, they
[22:38] that I've ever watched in my life, they don't land the frame on the first try.
[22:40] don't land the frame on the first try. That's fine. They use the first
[22:42] That's fine. They use the first statement the way a boxer uses like a a
[22:44] statement the way a boxer uses like a a jab. I'm not trying to do a knockout
[22:46] jab. I'm not trying to do a knockout with a jab. I'm going to see how the
[22:48] with a jab. I'm going to see how the other person moves. What do they
[22:50] other person moves. What do they protect? Where are they going to shift
[22:51] protect? Where are they going to shift their weight? What opens up as they're
[22:54] their weight? What opens up as they're starting to react. All right, let me
[22:55] starting to react. All right, let me keep this simple. You probably don't
[22:57] keep this simple. You probably don't want to be watching an ad right now, but
[22:59] want to be watching an ad right now, but if you stay with me for one minute, this
[23:01] if you stay with me for one minute, this could change your entire life. It's
[23:03] could change your entire life. It's already changed tens of thousands of
[23:06] already changed tens of thousands of people's lives all around the world.
[23:07] people's lives all around the world. Most people try to influence by pushing
[23:10] Most people try to influence by pushing harder, pushing harder. They say more,
[23:12] harder, pushing harder. They say more, they explain more, and it rarely works
[23:15] they explain more, and it rarely works the way that they want it to. This is
[23:17] the way that they want it to. This is because influence doesn't happen on the
[23:19] because influence doesn't happen on the surface. Influence happens way
[23:22] surface. Influence happens way underneath that. NCI level 3 is where
[23:25] underneath that. NCI level 3 is where you learn how behavior actually moves
[23:27] you learn how behavior actually moves and how to guide it without any
[23:29] and how to guide it without any resistance. You start designing outcomes
[23:32] resistance. You start designing outcomes in your life instead of hoping for
[23:35] in your life instead of hoping for outcomes. You understand how decisions
[23:37] outcomes. You understand how decisions are made and then you learn how to shape
[23:40] are made and then you learn how to shape them. This is where all those things
[23:42] them. This is where all those things stop feeling random. NCI3 is the most
[23:46] stop feeling random. NCI3 is the most advanced behavior course in the world. I
[23:49] advanced behavior course in the world. I guarantee it. I just want you to check
[23:51] guarantee it. I just want you to check it out. I put the link right down below
[23:54] it out. I put the link right down below in the description. So, we have those
[23:56] in the description. So, we have those five things. There's not a right way to
[23:58] five things. There's not a right way to do each one. There's not some like
[24:00] do each one. There's not some like flowchart to where you can select
[24:02] flowchart to where you can select everything. Every room that you walk
[24:04] everything. Every room that you walk into is going to have a frame that was
[24:05] into is going to have a frame that was there before you got there. Everywhere.
[24:07] there before you got there. Everywhere. Sometimes that's positional. The doctor
[24:09] Sometimes that's positional. The doctor holds authority. The attorney has
[24:12] holds authority. The attorney has leverage. That's they specialize in
[24:14] leverage. That's they specialize in leverage. The executive has what does he
[24:17] leverage. The executive has what does he specialize in? Resources. Sometimes it's
[24:20] specialize in? Resources. Sometimes it's emotional. Someone's pissed off, they're
[24:22] emotional. Someone's pissed off, they're scared, they're they're just checked
[24:24] scared, they're they're just checked out, and maybe there's a narrative,
[24:26] out, and maybe there's a narrative, there's a story that everybody in the
[24:27] there's a story that everybody in the room uh has agreed to about what the
[24:30] room uh has agreed to about what the meeting is about, what the problem is,
[24:32] meeting is about, what the problem is, who's to blame, who's responsible for
[24:34] who's to blame, who's responsible for it. You need to see that frame before
[24:36] it. You need to see that frame before you try to replace it. And you can see
[24:38] you try to replace it. And you can see frames. We've done so many classes like
[24:40] frames. We've done so many classes like here's the basic types of frames, how to
[24:41] here's the basic types of frames, how to spot them. If the frame that exists is
[24:44] spot them. If the frame that exists is built on authority, resonance and
[24:47] built on authority, resonance and concession are your pretty much your
[24:49] concession are your pretty much your only way in. You're not going to out
[24:52] only way in. You're not going to out authority somebody with more authority.
[24:54] authority somebody with more authority. You've got to go under it. Somebody
[24:56] You've got to go under it. Somebody holds some positional power and the room
[24:59] holds some positional power and the room is organized around that. So resonance
[25:02] is organized around that. So resonance says, "I see you." Concession says, "I'm
[25:06] says, "I see you." Concession says, "I'm not here to fight you."
[25:08] not here to fight you." Both of those bypass the authority frame
[25:10] Both of those bypass the authority frame without uh like challenging it to a
[25:12] without uh like challenging it to a fight. If the existing frame is
[25:15] fight. If the existing frame is adversarial, both sides are braced.
[25:18] adversarial, both sides are braced. There's tension in the room. Nobody
[25:19] There's tension in the room. Nobody trusts anybody's intention. Alignment
[25:22] trusts anybody's intention. Alignment has to be your opening move. And whoever
[25:25] has to be your opening move. And whoever installs first tends to own the the
[25:28] installs first tends to own the the conversation.
[25:30] conversation. The second question is, what do I need
[25:31] The second question is, what do I need the other person to do next? Do not
[25:35] the other person to do next? Do not assume that this technique is about the
[25:37] assume that this technique is about the the outcome. 99% of techniques that you
[25:40] the outcome. 99% of techniques that you will learn, if you watch almost every
[25:41] will learn, if you watch almost every grad school except for maybe three or
[25:43] grad school except for maybe three or four of them, it's not about achieving
[25:45] four of them, it's not about achieving an outcome. It's what do I need them to
[25:47] an outcome. It's what do I need them to do next? Cuz if I can always know what
[25:50] do next? Cuz if I can always know what what needs to happen next, you don't
[25:51] what needs to happen next, you don't need to close sales anymore. You don't
[25:53] need to close sales anymore. You don't need to do anything anymore. It's never
[25:54] need to do anything anymore. It's never outcomebased.
[25:58] So, what do I need them to do in the
[26:01] So, what do I need them to do in the next 30 seconds? That tells you what
[26:04] next 30 seconds? That tells you what question type to use. And remember the
[26:06] question type to use. And remember the first one we just talked about
[26:07] first one we just talked about statements. Now, we're talking about
[26:08] statements. Now, we're talking about questions. If I I need them to arrive at
[26:10] questions. If I I need them to arrive at a specific conclusion all by themselves,
[26:13] a specific conclusion all by themselves, I'm going to go directional. If I need
[26:16] I'm going to go directional. If I need them to act like a decision's already
[26:18] them to act like a decision's already been made, I might go with the
[26:20] been made, I might go with the assumptive thing. If I need information
[26:22] assumptive thing. If I need information without them knowing, I got I know I
[26:24] without them knowing, I got I know I have to use elicitation. If I need to
[26:26] have to use elicitation. If I need to shift the way they're looking at
[26:27] shift the way they're looking at something, I'm going to reframe it. And
[26:29] something, I'm going to reframe it. And if I need to establish myself as the one
[26:31] if I need to establish myself as the one evaluating, I'm going into the
[26:32] evaluating, I'm going into the diagnostic part of this.
[26:36] diagnostic part of this. So, two questions. What frame is already
[26:38] So, two questions. What frame is already running? What do I need them to do next?
[26:40] running? What do I need them to do next? Once you've drilled this a little bit,
[26:41] Once you've drilled this a little bit, it takes about 2 seconds. And right now,
[26:44] it takes about 2 seconds. And right now, it feels like a lot, I'm sure. I promise
[26:46] it feels like a lot, I'm sure. I promise you if you practice this, you're not
[26:48] you if you practice this, you're not going to get good at it by sitting on
[26:50] going to get good at it by sitting on your couch, printing this out, getting
[26:52] your couch, printing this out, getting some scotch tape, putting it up on the
[26:54] some scotch tape, putting it up on the wall in your office, and you did. Doctor
[26:56] wall in your office, and you did. Doctor didn't learn this in med school. I
[26:57] didn't learn this in med school. I guarantee you this thing built itself
[27:00] guarantee you this thing built itself through 10,000 patient interaction. And
[27:02] through 10,000 patient interaction. And then you had the boss. I appreciate how
[27:04] then you had the boss. I appreciate how hard everybody here has been kind of
[27:06] hard everybody here has been kind of stretched thin over these past few
[27:08] stretched thin over these past few weeks. That's what kind of statement is
[27:10] weeks. That's what kind of statement is that? It's a concession, right? It gives
[27:12] that? It's a concession, right? It gives ground before he's asking for anything.
[27:15] ground before he's asking for anything. It acknowledges some kind of cost. It
[27:17] It acknowledges some kind of cost. It names the difficulty and it does it with
[27:20] names the difficulty and it does it with enough warmth that it feels generous.
[27:23] enough warmth that it feels generous. And then the boss says, "So what is
[27:25] And then the boss says, "So what is realistic for everybody to for a
[27:26] realistic for everybody to for a delivery date on this?" What kind of
[27:28] delivery date on this?" What kind of question is that? It's a directional
[27:30] question is that? It's a directional question. Realistic points in one
[27:33] question. Realistic points in one direction towards something conservative
[27:35] direction towards something conservative and and and manageable. Something that
[27:37] and and and manageable. Something that doesn't sound like you ignored what they
[27:40] doesn't sound like you ignored what they just acknowledged. So the question has
[27:42] just acknowledged. So the question has this like built-in gravity. pulls your
[27:44] this like built-in gravity. pulls your answer toward what? Moderation. And it
[27:47] answer toward what? Moderation. And it was that fast. Concession plus
[27:49] was that fast. Concession plus directional. And you think of the parent
[27:51] directional. And you think of the parent example. Let's go back to that. When I
[27:53] example. Let's go back to that. When I asked you to feel what that felt like,
[27:56] asked you to feel what that felt like, parent says, "The only thing I've ever
[27:58] parent says, "The only thing I've ever wanted in my life is what's best for
[28:00] wanted in my life is what's best for you." And I hope you know that. This a
[28:02] you." And I hope you know that. This a presupposition statement, but it's it's
[28:04] presupposition statement, but it's it's a deep one. She's not talking about a
[28:06] a deep one. She's not talking about a business decision or some corporate
[28:09] business decision or some corporate timeline. But the presupposition here is
[28:12] timeline. But the presupposition here is about identity. I am the one who loves
[28:14] about identity. I am the one who loves you. I am the one with good intentions.
[28:16] you. I am the one with good intentions. And you know that parent, mom or dad
[28:19] And you know that parent, mom or dad says, I just want you to help me
[28:21] says, I just want you to help me understand what you're thinking here.
[28:23] understand what you're thinking here. What kind of question is that?
[28:25] What kind of question is that? Diagnostic. It makes you become the one
[28:27] Diagnostic. It makes you become the one who is evaluated. It puts the parent in
[28:30] who is evaluated. It puts the parent in the evaluator role and you in the role
[28:32] the evaluator role and you in the role of the one who needs to explain. And
[28:34] of the one who needs to explain. And that's just presupposition plus a
[28:35] that's just presupposition plus a diagnostic question. And that sadly
[28:39] diagnostic question. And that sadly maybe beautifully is a combination that
[28:41] maybe beautifully is a combination that some of you have been living inside of
[28:42] some of you have been living inside of for maybe decades. Those three examples
[28:46] for maybe decades. Those three examples doctor, boss, mom, dad, none of those
[28:49] doctor, boss, mom, dad, none of those people were trying to manipulate you.
[28:51] people were trying to manipulate you. The doctor was being a doctor. The boss
[28:54] The doctor was being a doctor. The boss was managing a team. The parent was
[28:57] was managing a team. The parent was being a loving parent. This isn't like
[28:59] being a loving parent. This isn't like they read a playbook. Then do you think
[29:01] they read a playbook. Then do you think any of them are thinking actively about
[29:03] any of them are thinking actively about frame control? Why is there still frame
[29:05] frame control? Why is there still frame control going on? Because that
[29:06] control going on? Because that architecture runs 24 hours a day in
[29:09] architecture runs 24 hours a day in every situation you will ever be in for
[29:11] every situation you will ever be in for the rest of your life. Frame control is
[29:13] the rest of your life. Frame control is there. It's always there everywhere.
[29:16] there. It's always there everywhere. Statements set frames. Questions lock
[29:20] Statements set frames. Questions lock people inside of them. And if you can
[29:22] people inside of them. And if you can control that sequence, you can control
[29:24] control that sequence, you can control where any conversation goes and what's
[29:26] where any conversation goes and what's possible inside of it. Authorities are
[29:27] possible inside of it. Authorities are reporting a city-wide manhunt underway.
[29:31] reporting a city-wide manhunt underway. Officials,
[29:44] the world is breathing.
[29:48] A fragile sound.
[29:52] No echoes here.
[29:57] on sacred ground.
[30:01] A quiet pose, a steady beat. The truth
[30:06] A quiet pose, a steady beat. The truth we feel in simple heat.
[30:10] we feel in simple heat. Bare footsteps
[30:12] Bare footsteps on hollowed ground. A sacred rhythm we
[30:17] on hollowed ground. A sacred rhythm we have found
[30:19] have found out.
[30:36] The world just breathes and I can feel
[30:40] The world just breathes and I can feel it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it.
[30:45] it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just shadows lean in on the light.
[30:49] Just shadows lean in on the light. Another beautiful quiet night.
[31:11] The past is gone, but we remain
[31:16] The past is gone, but we remain washing over all the pain. A simple
[31:20] washing over all the pain. A simple truth,
[31:22] truth, a feeling pure, a soft connection
[31:26] a feeling pure, a soft connection to door.
[31:46] The world just bre and I can feel it. A
[31:51] The world just bre and I can feel it. A perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just
[31:55] perfect promise. Can't conceal it. Just shadows leaning on the light. Another
[32:00] shadows leaning on the light. Another beautiful quiet night.
[32:23] Oh.
[32:40] This quiet night.
[32:45] What makes forever
[32:53] and the world just breathes.