Relationship Expert: How To Find a Great Partner (And Avoid Divorce) | E301 Lila Rose Show
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9qV1P_z-OY
[00:00] Women change for relationships.
[00:01] Women change for relationships.
[00:01] Men change for consequences.
[00:03] So find a man who's already changed cuz he's already had the consequences.
[00:05] You need to find the man who wants to build a business with you, not the man who wants to be stimulated by you.
[00:10] A real woman with real value does not compete with anybody.
[00:13] All those questions you would recommend for the first date and second date.
[00:17] I mean, instead of like, let's just get to know each other and see if the vibe is good.
[00:20] Yeah.
[00:20] That's what the Bible says.
[00:20] Yeah.
[00:22] Get to know each other and do the vibe.
[00:23] That's what it says for 8 years.
[00:24] There's one specific way that men need to be sharing with their wives.
[00:26] Four steps.
[00:27] I think a lot of women are going to say it feels impossible to find this guy.
[00:30] And a lot of modern men are raised by women.
[00:32] But when you push on a man and ask him to start thinking critically and having conversations, he'll give you better answers.
[00:36] Turn your red flags into green flags by being clear that you know them, you're honest about them, and you're working on them.
[00:45] Thank you so much for listening to the Llaya Rose Show.
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[01:31] Thank you so much to all of our patrons. Adam Lane Smith, welcome back to the podcast.
[01:34] I'm so glad to be here again, Laya. Thank you for having me.
[01:37] I am delighted, and congratulations on your almost born number six.
[01:40] Number six, sixth child so far.
[01:42] People always say, why do you have six kids? Haven't you done enough to your wife?
[01:46] And I say, it was her idea in the first place.
[01:48] I love that. There's so much that I want to talk to you about today.
[01:53] And the topic that I think has been one of the most asked for about on the show and that people seem to be very helped by is the question of how do we find and marry
[02:03] the question of how do we find and marry well the person that God may have for me.
[02:06] And so I wanted to kick this off by asking you why do you think today it is seems so especially difficult for people to find the right person to marry and to even get married?
[02:18] What do you think most people think marriage is today in 2026?
[02:21] What have you seen? What what do they think what do they think the nature of the relationship is?
[02:26] I think that it might look different for different folks, but largely speaking it involves a nice fancy wedding.
[02:30] Uh so I think the wedding is actually a lot about the marriage for the initial view people have and then it's some sort of you know you get a house together, you move in together, you probably have a few kids together and you know if your parents made mistakes you don't make them and if they didn't make mistakes you try to do it like your parents.
[02:50] Mhm. It is get together, give each other good feelings till one of us dies.
[02:55] That's what most people are doing.
[02:56] It's uh it's a friend that you sleep with and pay bills with.
[02:59] That's what most people are thinking marriage is.
[03:01] And that's why marriage is failing so bad today is we
[03:03] marriage is failing so bad today is we have cut it down to such a pointless
[03:06] have cut it down to such a pointless little thing.
[03:08] That's not what marriage ever has been.
[03:09] ever has been.
[03:11] Biblical marriage and just human marriage in every culture and every
[03:13] marriage in every culture and every civilization for all of human history
[03:15] civilization for all of human history has always been a business.
[03:17] has always been a business.
[03:17] A business.
[03:19] It will always be a business.
[03:20] It has always been a business and it needs to be a business.
[03:23] It has to.
[03:24] It is a business arrangement.
[03:27] And when we start turning it into an emotional arrangement first, that's where we go wrong.
[03:29] And we did that a hundred years ago and it's been devastation ever since.
[03:31] been devastation ever since.
[03:32] So you're saying it wasn't until maybe a hundred years ago in I'm guessing the western largely world especially US we
[03:34] hundred years ago in I'm guessing the western largely world especially US we started to view marriage as an emotional
[03:36] western largely world especially US we started to view marriage as an emotional affair and not as a business
[03:39] started to view marriage as an emotional affair and not as a business relationship.
[03:41] affair and not as a business relationship.
[03:43] relationship.
[03:44] Correct.
[03:45] What does that what does that mean?
[03:47] Marriage is the center of every other business you will ever create in your
[03:50] business you will ever create in your life.
[03:52] life.
[03:53] Whether that's the business of children, grandchildren,
[03:55] children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, if it's starting an
[03:57] great-grandchildren, if it's starting an actual company together and physically
[03:59] actual company together and physically protecting that company.
[04:01] protecting that company.
[04:01] If it's running a household together, if it's running a
[04:03] a household together, if it's running a nonprofit, you and your husband have a nonprofit, you and your husband have a tremendous amount going on.
[04:06] I know that you do.
[04:08] Your marriage is the business, the core business that everything else is a subsidiary of.
[04:13] So, you form a business contract together, agreeing that we will do this forever for the rest of our lives.
[04:17] We will keep growing our skills.
[04:19] We will unite and be one together.
[04:21] one entity.
[04:24] This is a company.
[04:26] You've built a company together and that's why you guys are winning in your marriage.
[04:29] But that's what marriage always has been.
[04:31] Now, it's also supposed to be joining larger family structures and uniting groups, tribes, neighborhoods, everything bonding together.
[04:36] So, it's not meant to be two human beings in isolation either.
[04:41] But putting that aside, even if it is two human beings today, it's a business.
[04:46] Then we have to pick a business partner who is savvy, whose skill set matches ours, whose weaknesses are fixed by our strengths, their strengths, their weaknesses, us.
[04:57] All of that has to be bonded together.
[04:59] We have to really look at that.
[05:01] It would be much smarter for people today to read a book about how to pick a co-founder than to pick a
[05:04] pick a co-founder than to pick a romantic partner.
[05:05] romantic partner.
[05:07] So, I have so many questions about what you just said, and I get that a lot.
[05:10] It's very there's a lot that's so compelling there.
[05:12] But first of all, what about love?
[05:13] The role of love and attraction.
[05:15] Love is absolutely vital in a marriage.
[05:17] It absolutely is.
[05:18] Feelings of love, not just and by love, obviously we should define it.
[05:21] It's a choice to will the good of the other, but also the feelings of love and attraction.
[05:25] Feelings of attraction, feelings of commitment, feelings of affection, those are there.
[05:30] I tend to think that love itself is not a feeling.
[05:33] Most people think it is.
[05:35] There's feelings associated with it certainly and we and we can wrap those up and call them love.
[05:39] But love itself is doing what is truly best for the other human being.
[05:42] not what makes them comfortable or even what makes them happy necessarily, but what's truly best for them.
[05:47] That's what it means when the Bible says love thy neighbor.
[05:49] It doesn't mean have affection for your neighbor.
[05:52] It means do what's actually best for your neighbor.
[05:54] So yes, it is important that a marriage grow in love and intimacy and affection and all of those things that we call but it needs to be business first.
[06:00] I'm not advocating for arranged marriage, maybe assisted marriage, right?
[06:03] But but it needs to be
[06:07] marriage, right?
[06:11] But but it needs to be can we work together before it's do we can we work together before it's do we have wild inescapable passion for each other that can be built
[06:15] other that can be built >> but would you say the base level is you need to feel attraction for the person
[06:18] it doesn't need to be wild crazy infatuation but there needs to be at least attraction would you say is like a floor level
[06:25] floor level >> sure basis or
[06:26] yeah I have a lot of coaching clients come to me and they ask and I have a a three three chemistry process that you go through
[06:32] one is primal chemistry Usually we need to be about 7 out of 10.
[06:37] A person when you have to like what they sound like, how they smell, how they talk, how they act, their sense of humor.
[06:41] About 7 out of 10. We know that when you have rich oxytocin bonding hormone that takes months to build.
[06:48] When you have that, they go up by about 20%.
[06:50] So that 7 out of 10 turns into a 9 out of 10 for each side, right?
[06:54] Then there's personal chemistry number two, which is our values, our goals.
[06:58] Most people substitute this for the music we like and the movies we like and the video games and the Netflix shows.
[07:01] And that's everything about how we bond, but it's supposed to be our religious faith, our beliefs, our goals, our desires, what
[07:08] beliefs, our goals, our desires, what we're building and crafting more business arrangement.
[07:10] And then number three is the attachment chemistry.
[07:13] You knew I was going to do that.
[07:14] So the attachment chemistry of can we form relationships where we actually resolve issues transparently and explicitly or do we keep everything inside and try to just buckle down on our own?
[07:23] Those three types of chemistry are crucial.
[07:25] Yes, primal chemistry is there, but it doesn't need to be 11 out of 10 like most people think.
[07:31] So using that framework to start with uh primal chem chemistry it sounds like that's not something you can develop except for that extra 20%.
[07:37] After you build trust with the person there or it's not >> women can develop it a little bit.
[07:44] >> I think that I've I mean I've seen that yes women can foster it a little bit.
[07:48] Women can be forgiving of a man who's a little uglier or a little less attractive in some ways.
[07:51] Men need usually about six and a half seven out of 10 to begin with.
[07:54] We're just very visually stimulated creatures unfortunately in that regard.
[07:57] But every man has a different type.
[08:01] So any person out there who's worrying that she's not a Barbie doll, you don't have to be, right?
[08:05] Find the guy that likes who you are.
[08:06] But about [clears throat] seven out of 10 for every person is what the show.
[08:09] Of 10 for every person is what the show.
[08:12] And so that's more like nature, not nurture.
[08:15] That's more the natural stuff you have as opposed to what you can build.
[08:17] There there's an element of it.
[08:18] Absolutely.
[08:20] Yeah.
[08:20] The the oxytocin and the vasopressin bonding hormones increase that and help it.
[08:23] There does need to be a base element.
[08:25] Um, now I I just before we move on to the other forms of chemistry and then into the whole work of finding and building a a marriage as a business like you're describing, is there any advice you have for people about preparing themselves to be on just that first level of chemistry on that primal chemistry, the most likely of six or seven of the person that they would desire?
[08:46] Absolutely.
[08:47] Remember that no matter who you are, what you look like, what your hair is, your body shape, male, female, whoever you are, you are somebody's type.
[08:53] The goal is not to become everybody's type.
[08:56] The goal is to become the best, most attractive version of the type that you are so that the people who are attracted to you spot you and desire you so that you have that.
[09:07] If you have whatever body type you have, make sure you're living to it.
[09:08] Let's just say that
[09:11] you're living to it.
[09:11] Let's just say that in the most tasteful way, obviously.
[09:13] in the most tasteful way, obviously.
[09:13] What does that meaning?
[09:15] Like even if you're built larger or smaller or whatever it is, be healthy as best you can.
[09:16] you're built larger or smaller or whatever it is, be healthy as best you can.
[09:19] whatever it is, be healthy as best you can.
[09:19] So you're more most you're in your most true form, not the cultural societal norm form, but your most true form to attract that mate.
[09:21] can.
[09:21] So you're more most you're in your most true form, not the cultural societal norm form, but your most true form to attract that mate.
[09:23] most true form, not the cultural societal norm form, but your most true form to attract that mate.
[09:25] societal norm form, but your most true form to attract that mate.
[09:27] form to attract that mate.
[09:27] Absolutely.
[09:28] If you're afraid that your hair is the wrong color, if you're afraid that you are too fat in certain areas, too skinny in other areas, if you're afraid that your eyebrows are the wrong shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:29] hair is the wrong color, if you're afraid that you are too fat in certain areas, too skinny in other areas, if you're afraid that your eyebrows are the wrong shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:31] afraid that you are too fat in certain areas, too skinny in other areas, if you're afraid that your eyebrows are the wrong shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:33] areas, too skinny in other areas, if you're afraid that your eyebrows are the wrong shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:35] you're afraid that your eyebrows are the wrong shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:37] wrong shape or your nose is a certain shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:38] shape or your lips are too thin or too fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:41] fat or whatever it is, optimize because understand every person has a different type.
[09:43] understand every person has a different type.
[09:43] Every person has a range of what they prefer.
[09:44] type.
[09:44] Every person has a range of what they prefer.
[09:46] they prefer.
[09:46] They look at their mom for their first years of life and they probably want to see you and their mom.
[09:48] their first years of life and they probably want to see you and their mom.
[09:49] probably want to see you and their mom.
[09:49] It's just a strange thing to be honest with you.
[09:51] It's just a strange thing to be honest with you.
[09:51] Um my mother was a redhead and every woman I ever dated was a red head down to my wife who's a redhead down to my daughters who are all redheads now.
[09:53] with you.
[09:53] Um my mother was a redhead and every woman I ever dated was a red head down to my wife who's a redhead down to my daughters who are all redheads now.
[09:55] every woman I ever dated was a red head down to my wife who's a redhead down to my daughters who are all redheads now.
[09:57] down to my wife who's a redhead down to my daughters who are all redheads now.
[09:57] I have that in me.
[09:58] I I just could not be with a woman who was blonde.
[10:00] have that in me.
[10:00] I I just could not be with a woman who was blonde.
[10:02] with a woman who was blonde.
[10:02] That's just never going to work for me.
[10:03] never going to work for me.
[10:03] So you have you noticed that pattern?
[10:04] So you have you noticed that pattern?
[10:04] Men tend to be attracted to women that look like a younger version of their mothers.
[10:07] Men tend to be attracted to women that look like a younger version of their mothers.
[10:09] look like a younger version of their mothers.
[10:09] mothers.
[10:09] Quite often.
[10:09] Quite often that's often
[10:12] Quite often.
[10:12] Quite often that's often the case.
[10:14] Uh sometimes sometimes other things come in and skew that as well but
[10:16] a lot of times I strangely have found that uh yes it seems very true.
[10:22] Interesting.
[10:25] Um so then the general advice though and then you said try to augment or try to develop whatever your you know physicality is to be the best you can be.
[10:32] Mhm.
[10:33] I just want to get your take on this cuz it seems to be all the rage looks maxing because I do think it impacts bonding and it impacts the way we see ourselves and other people and how we feel love and how we receive and give love.
[10:44] A lot of people are pursuing plastic surgery.
[10:47] Um you know things that are more light like fillers and Botox or you know there's younger people like clavicular who's you know I don't know if they're like breaking their bones and then restructuring them.
[10:58] Um, so there's extreme versions of this, but largely speaking, the beauty industry, not just like makeup, but beauty treatments and beauty cosmetic surgeries has increased dramatically.
[11:09] It's in the billions and billions of dollars and increases every year, year over year.
[11:10] Um, your average
[11:12] year, year over year.
[11:14] Um, your average girl is considering whether she should get fillers and, you know, Botox and she's in her 20s.
[11:20] Uh, do you think that that's good, bad?
[11:22] Do you think that affects attachment and preparing to meet the right mate?
[11:26] I think that people are desperate to try to find somebody and get them to pay attention.
[11:29] I think that people are out there trying to stimulate other people visually, and that's not the process here.
[11:34] You're trying to attract somebody, which is different from stimulating them.
[11:39] A lot of women are modeling themselves based on the porn industry because that's what they think most men are attracted to and want and look at.
[11:47] And a lot of men who have insecure attachment and problems and and biochemical issues because of their attachment challenges are dopamine focused.
[11:53] So, if you want to be a woman who stimulates dopamine in people, they're probably not going to consider you for marriage, you're going to look like somebody who is there for dopamine, and that's going to trigger their brain in a very specific way.
[12:03] It's unfortunate, but it's true.
[12:05] If you want to be a woman who is trying to find a business partner, you're probably not looking for a porn saturated man.
[12:11] You're looking for a man who's looking for a
[12:13] looking for a man who's looking for a partner who takes herself seriously in partner who takes herself seriously in those areas and is not trying to go for those areas and is not trying to go for vanity.
[12:20] If you look desperate, they will assume you're desperate.
[12:21] Spoken like a true father.
[12:23] That's such good advice what you just said.
[12:26] And it's really lovely coming from a man who has your, you know, therapeutic background and everything else because I think women and men need to hear that message where yes, you want to maximize your beautiful god-given body, take care of it, you know, present yourself the best you can, but if you're trying to appeal to look a certain way, that is ultimately a pornified version that the culture is like pushing.
[12:47] I mean, that's where it cames from.
[12:48] Like you look at like the Mona Lisa, the poor Mona Lisa would get torn apart, you know, on social media today in terms of like not seen as the perfect ideal woman.
[12:56] Like her lips and, you know, her eyebrows and, you know, even her her body like she's larger woman and I just think but she's this lovely mysterious, you know, inviting creature that like everyone has marveled at, you know, now for uh centuries.
[13:10] centuries.
[13:12] I agree.
[13:14] It's really hard to find good content to watch with my kids for when they are allowed to have screen time.
[13:17] I'm always on the lookout for low stimulating, storydriven, and values-based kids content.
[13:24] That's why I'm very excited about Brave Plus.
[13:27] Brave Plus is a new streaming platform with content that reinforces our values instead of undermining them.
[13:30] Every show is vetted by real Christian parents, not only to screen out messages that are harmful, but to also avoid overstimulating video content that's linked to mental and behavioral issues.
[13:41] When you check it out, you'll find classics like Strawberry Shortcake, Babar, Paddington, as well as new shows like season 2 of Iggy and Mr. Kirk starring Kirk Cameron.
[13:53] And right now, just for my listeners, you can try Brave Plus free for 7 days.
[13:59] Go to brave plus.com/la.
[14:01] That's brave plus.com/la for a free 7-day trial.
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[14:53] And I will say this, I have in my coaching practice, I work with so many people and I have a lot of actual literal global supermodels coming to me at this point.
[15:03] Sometimes they're coming with their husband or their boyfriend and they I keep hearing the same thing.
[15:09] He's not attracted to me anymore.
[15:10] The supermodel is saying >> supermodels.
[15:12] He's not attracted.
[15:15] He can't get an erection.
[15:15] He just our our sex life is dead.
[15:17] He just our our sex life is dead.
[15:17] I don't feel attractive.
[15:17] I feel ugly.
[15:20] don't feel attractive.
[15:20] I feel ugly.
[15:21] These are the women that every woman on earth is comparing herself to.
[15:23] earth is comparing herself to.
[15:23] and they are saying, "I feel ugly, unattracted, and my husband doesn't want me and won't look at me."
[15:27] and my husband doesn't want me and won't look at me.
[15:27] That's dopamine.
[15:30] Dopamine burns out.
[15:30] It has an absolute end.
[15:32] There's no dopamine of of if if if you're dating somebody, it's about 5 to 7 months of dating and it falls off a cliff and it's gone.
[15:35] There's no dopamine of of if if if
[15:37] you're dating somebody, it's about 5 to 7 months of dating and it falls off a cliff and it's gone.
[15:39] cliff and it's gone.
[15:39] So, if you are trying to look, nine out of 10 it just drags on for an extra couple weeks and then it dies.
[15:41] trying to look, nine out of 10 it just
[15:45] drags on for an extra couple weeks and then it dies.
[15:46] then it dies.
[15:46] We're not meant to bond through dopamine.
[15:49] We can't.
[15:49] It's an object thing.
[15:51] It's not a human thing.
[15:51] So for all the women out there who are trying to be stimulating, you think you're competing with the hub, you think you're competing with Tinder, you think you're competing with Instagram, you're not.
[15:53] object thing.
[15:53] It's not a human thing.
[15:53] So for all the women out there who are trying to be stimulating, you think you're competing with the hub, you think you're competing with Tinder, you think you're competing with Instagram, you're not.
[15:54] for all the women out there who are trying to be stimulating, you think
[15:56] you're competing with the hub, you think
[15:57] you're competing with Tinder, you think
[15:59] you're competing with Instagram, you're not.
[16:00] you're competing with Instagram, you're not.
[16:00] Those are the wrong chemicals.
[16:02] A real woman with real value does not compete with anybody.
[16:04] real woman with real value does not compete with anybody.
[16:04] And that's what I want to send out there to all the women who are listening right now.
[16:07] compete with anybody.
[16:07] And that's what I want to send out there to all the women who are listening right now.
[16:08] who are listening right now.
[16:08] You are not.
[16:10] You are not.
[16:10] You're not in competition with anyone.
[16:11] anyone.
[16:11] You need to find the man who wants to build a business with you, not the man who wants to be stimulated by you.
[16:13] You need to find the man who wants to build a business with you, not
[16:15] wants to build a business with you, not the man who wants to be stimulated by you.
[16:17] the man who wants to be stimulated by you.
[16:17] Mic drop. That's so good. And it's so needed for women and men to hear today.
[16:22] What do you tell those couples?
[16:24] What do you tell those couples where they're objectively some of the most beautiful people on the planet and they're married or they're in relationship and they can't even sexually they're not even sexually attracted anymore?
[16:34] A great question.
[16:36] I I usually start asking the man uh I don't blame him, but I ask him I say, "Do you know how to when you come home breathe and let everything out and then actually be present with her?
[16:46] Does your mind turn off?
[16:48] Are you able to immerse with her or is she one more problem to solve?
[16:49] Do you know how to talk with her?
[16:51] Do you know how to receive the peace she's trying to give you?
[16:54] Do you know how to help her feel safe and cared for so she can give you that peace?
[16:58] Do you know that your nervous system has another mode you can flip into, which is a rest and digest mode?
[17:02] Most of these men have what we call avoidant attachment style.
[17:05] They're incredibly high performers.
[17:07] Sometimes in the multi-billion dollar level, and they cannot click into a peace mode.
[17:12] So, their receptors for bonding are closed.
[17:15] and they just go through their life looking at one beautiful thing after
[17:18] looking at one beautiful thing after another trying to get stimulation
[17:20] another trying to get stimulation because they can never rest.
[17:21] So there's because they can never rest.
[17:23] So there's that woman who adors him.
[17:25] She's a supermodel, yes, but she's a woman first and she's trying to give him peace and
[17:27] and she's trying to give him peace and warmth and and love and immerse him in
[17:29] warmth and and love and immerse him in her goodness and he can't.
[17:32] So he can't receive everything that she's trying to
[17:34] give.
[17:36] So of course it's just dopamine stimulation that will die.
[17:38] No matter how beautiful the woman is, that will die at
[17:40] some point because he can't receive her.
[17:42] There's a lot of men out there who can't
[17:43] receive women.
[17:45] They're a lot like the dog chasing the car and then they catch
[17:47] the car and have no idea what to do.
[17:48] So, they find the next car that's driving
[17:49] by.
[17:50] So, these men are still sexually
[17:51] interested, but they are not interested
[17:53] in that warm, inviting, peacefilled
[17:55] woman in their own home, even if she's
[17:57] objectively 10 out of 10, you know, gorgeous.
[17:58] He now needs to go achieve the
[18:01] next maybe sexual conquest.
[18:03] And that's part of what's might be destroying the
[18:04] relationship.
[18:05] Absolutely.
[18:06] And many of the men don't want to.
[18:08] So, they actually buckle down and say, "I'll just never be happy
[18:09] again."
[18:10] And they >> meaning they don't want to break up the
[18:11] marriage.
[18:13] They don't want to betray her.
[18:14] They're they're very ethical men.
[18:16] They're trying hard, but now it's my life will be joyless and I will continue
[18:19] life will be joyless and I will continue pouring myself out.
[18:20] And this is where a pouring myself out.
[18:22] And this is where a lot of good Christian men get trapped with this.
[18:24] High performing Christian men.
[18:26] I just have to sacrifice my happiness for the rest of my life.
[18:29] Never be fulfilled again and never have joy.
[18:31] And the wife is saying, they're saying, "I don't want that for you.
[18:34] What do we do?"
[18:35] And they just look at each other and have no clue.
[18:37] Wow.
[18:38] That's attachment right there.
[18:39] By the way, what do you tell that man?
[18:43] What what does he have to do to be able to break out of that terrible pattern he's in?
[18:47] And the woman, they're both in a bad pattern.
[18:48] There's a couple of things I tell people and and it cannot be fivehour conversations.
[18:52] That actually is death for everybody.
[18:52] Talking talking stuck in a loop, right?
[18:56] And they don't know what to do.
[18:57] I tell people there's three minute conversations you need to be having.
[19:00] And if you can't have a three-minute conversation about desire, about needs,
[19:04] about hopes, about peace, about solving a problem, then you can't have any conversation.
[19:07] 3 minutes is all you need to fix most problems.
[19:09] If you can't, there's an attachment problem and a skill issue right there.
[19:13] So, what I tell men first is learn with a skill to manage your nervous system and bring it down.
[19:16] Nobody on the planet can calm your nervous system except you.
[19:18] And you have
[19:19] nervous system except you.
[19:19] And you have to use physical techniques.
[19:21] God gave us to use physical techniques.
[19:21] God gave us one brain, but he split it in half.
[19:24] one brain, but he split it in half.
[19:24] Our emotional side takes over.
[19:26] The logical emotional side takes over.
[19:26] The logical brain goes down.
[19:27] You cannot logic your brain goes down.
[19:27] You cannot logic your way out of your feelings.
[19:29] God also gave way out of your feelings.
[19:29] God also gave us a body and a nervous system to manage
[19:31] us a body and a nervous system to manage the rest of our brain.
[19:33] So, you use your the rest of our brain.
[19:33] So, you use your body to manage the nervous system and
[19:35] body to manage the nervous system and cool the emotions.
[19:36] cool the emotions.
[19:36] Men don't know how to do this today.
[19:38] do this today.
[19:38] You have to learn number one, she can't get to you while your
[19:40] one, she can't get to you while your guard is up.
[19:41] guard is up.
[19:41] When you manage your nervous system correctly, then you can
[19:43] nervous system correctly, then you can begin sharing with her and talking with
[19:45] begin sharing with her and talking with her and relaxing with her.
[19:47] her and relaxing with her.
[19:47] As you communicate and build expectations and
[19:49] communicate and build expectations and clear relationship structures, you can
[19:51] clear relationship structures, you can share your desires.
[19:53] share your desires.
[19:53] She can soften and you can soften.
[19:55] you can soften.
[19:55] You can actually immerse in her nervous system as it's calm and
[19:57] in her nervous system as it's calm and settled.
[19:59] settled.
[19:59] Men are supposed to pro provide safety, but a woman turns that safety
[20:02] safety, but a woman turns that safety back into peace for him and rests him in
[20:04] back into peace for him and rests him in it.
[20:06] it.
[20:06] If he can't do that, he just needs to learn to make fix his nervous system.
[20:08] to learn to make fix his nervous system.
[20:09] >> How do you do that?
[20:09] What would what's the tips that you give a guy who's just
[20:11] the tips that you give a guy who's just so amped up he can't just rest calm and
[20:14] so amped up he can't just rest calm and receive?
[20:16] receive?
[20:16] Be that safe place for her and let her rest calm and then they really
[20:17] let her rest calm and then they really connect.
[20:17] connect.
[20:19] >> Yeah.
[20:19] So, a few things.
[20:19] One, uh if his oxytocin's been low for life from
[20:21] oxytocin's been low for life from childhood, again, avoidant attachment
[20:23] childhood, again, avoidant attachment style typically very high performers.
[20:25] style typically very high performers. Almost all of them have this. They can
[20:27] Almost all of them have this. They can never ever rest. So, they work 16 hours
[20:29] never ever rest. So, they work 16 hours a day. They build great companies.
[20:30] a day. They build great companies. They're incredible achievers. But at
[20:32] They're incredible achievers. But at home, they're usually awful. I just
[20:34] home, they're usually awful. I just there's no other word for it. They're
[20:35] there's no other word for it. They're not [snorts] horrible or cruel, but they
[20:37] not [snorts] horrible or cruel, but they just are closed and cold.
[20:40] just are closed and cold. They need to learn first to take breaths
[20:44] They need to learn first to take breaths and reset in a moment and calm down. Uh
[20:47] and reset in a moment and calm down. Uh I have a specific 13-minute technique
[20:49] I have a specific 13-minute technique that I teach my coaching clients that
[20:50] that I teach my coaching clients that just brings them down from 8 out of 10
[20:52] just brings them down from 8 out of 10 to 1 out of 10 nervous system. And they
[20:54] to 1 out of 10 nervous system. And they can calm down and reset their nervous
[20:56] can calm down and reset their nervous system through Vegas stimulation,
[20:58] system through Vegas stimulation, through body techniques, and and just
[21:00] through body techniques, and and just managing it with through breathing and
[21:01] managing it with through breathing and stretching and all of these pieces. It's
[21:03] stretching and all of these pieces. It's amazing how fast it works when you know
[21:05] amazing how fast it works when you know what to do. And as you come down, your
[21:07] what to do. And as you come down, your oxytocin receptors begin to open up and
[21:09] oxytocin receptors begin to open up and unblock from the cortisol. Now, this
[21:11] unblock from the cortisol. Now, this allows that woman to then stimulate you
[21:13] allows that woman to then stimulate you with touch, scratching your scalp,
[21:15] with touch, scratching your scalp, nonsexual touch, holding you, touching
[21:17] nonsexual touch, holding you, touching you, playing with you, flirting with
[21:19] you, playing with you, flirting with you. You can't even have flirtation in
[21:22] you. You can't even have flirtation in your marriage if you're in a in a
[21:23] your marriage if you're in a in a stimulated sympathetic nervous system
[21:25] stimulated sympathetic nervous system state. It's the rest and digest
[21:27] state. It's the rest and digest parasympathetic state where playfulness
[21:28] parasympathetic state where playfulness and fun happens. Most of these men tell
[21:30] and fun happens. Most of these men tell me, "I want my wife to be more playful
[21:32] me, "I want my wife to be more playful and flirtatious," but he's not giving
[21:34] and flirtatious," but he's not giving her the safety to help her click into
[21:36] her the safety to help her click into that mode either. So, he's preventing
[21:37] that mode either. So, he's preventing her from doing it. If you can then play,
[21:40] her from doing it. If you can then play, oxytocin levels go up, which releases a
[21:42] oxytocin levels go up, which releases a chemical GABA, GABA, which goes up,
[21:44] chemical GABA, GABA, which goes up, which suppresses your cortisol going
[21:46] which suppresses your cortisol going forward, and now you're kept in a
[21:48] forward, and now you're kept in a long-term productive, healthy rest and
[21:50] long-term productive, healthy rest and digest state. We see your nervous system
[21:52] digest state. We see your nervous system improve, your immune system improve, men
[21:54] improve, your immune system improve, men become more resilient against cancer,
[21:56] become more resilient against cancer, heart attack, stroke, stronger, more
[21:58] heart attack, stroke, stronger, more arousal, shall we say, but also more joy
[22:01] arousal, shall we say, but also more joy in his life. If his testosterone was
[22:04] in his life. If his testosterone was down 30% from chronic stress, which we
[22:06] down 30% from chronic stress, which we see in our culture, it actually begins
[22:07] see in our culture, it actually begins to go up at this point. His human growth
[22:10] to go up at this point. His human growth hormone goes up. His sleep improves. His
[22:12] hormone goes up. His sleep improves. His wound healing improves. His muscles grow
[22:14] wound healing improves. His muscles grow stronger and faster. Everything improves
[22:16] stronger and faster. Everything improves biochemically for him. So, I hear a lot,
[22:18] biochemically for him. So, I hear a lot, and I'm sure you hear this, too. What do
[22:20] and I'm sure you hear this, too. What do women bring to the table? Right? That's
[22:21] women bring to the table? Right? That's the question going around on social
[22:22] the question going around on social media all the time. This is what women
[22:24] media all the time. This is what women bring to the table. But most men have
[22:25] bring to the table. But most men have the door locked in her face and he
[22:27] the door locked in her face and he doesn't realize it.
[22:28] doesn't realize it. >> What would you say to for those three
[22:31] >> What would you say to for those three minute that three minute conversation?
[22:33] minute that three minute conversation? So once he can get in the in enough
[22:34] So once he can get in the in enough state of chill,
[22:36] state of chill, including deep breathing and just
[22:39] including deep breathing and just >> trying to relax and then you have the
[22:41] >> trying to relax and then you have the saying this three-minute conversation.
[22:43] saying this three-minute conversation. What is that three-minute conversation?
[22:45] What is that three-minute conversation? How do you have that three-minute
[22:46] How do you have that three-minute conversation instead of getting into
[22:48] conversation instead of getting into endless circles of or loops of conflict
[22:51] endless circles of or loops of conflict or disagreement or misunderstanding or
[22:53] or disagreement or misunderstanding or whatever?
[22:53] whatever? >> That's a great question. Here's a
[22:54] >> That's a great question. Here's a three-minute qu Someone want to time me
[22:56] three-minute qu Someone want to time me 3 minutes on this one?
[22:57] 3 minutes on this one? >> I do. Let's time it.
[22:58] >> I do. Let's time it. >> Yeah.
[22:58] >> Yeah. >> Here's a three-minute conversation or
[22:59] >> Here's a three-minute conversation or less that a man like that, a high
[23:01] less that a man like that, a high performer can have with his wife to
[23:02] performer can have with his wife to actually begin calming down at home.
[23:05] actually begin calming down at home. >> By the way, one quick question. Does
[23:07] >> By the way, one quick question. Does this also apply to dates?
[23:09] this also apply to dates? >> It can and should. This works perfectly
[23:11] >> It can and should. This works perfectly if you're dating and you're getting
[23:12] if you're dating and you're getting ready to go into a process into a
[23:14] ready to go into a process into a relationship. This is how you could do
[23:16] relationship. This is how you could do it at the beginning and set up this
[23:17] it at the beginning and set up this expectation or you're a husband coming
[23:18] expectation or you're a husband coming home to your wife and you're having
[23:20] home to your wife and you're having difficulties.
[23:21] difficulties. >> Amazing.
[23:21] >> Amazing. >> Let's let's assume he's coming home to
[23:23] >> Let's let's assume he's coming home to his wife.
[23:24] his wife. >> Amazing.
[23:24] >> Amazing. >> And he wants to rest and has never told
[23:26] >> And he wants to rest and has never told her before that he can't. Sound good?
[23:28] her before that he can't. Sound good? >> 2 minutes.
[23:28] >> 2 minutes. >> Yes.
[23:29] >> Yes. >> I'm going to pretend you're a wife.
[23:30] >> I'm going to pretend you're a wife. >> Okay.
[23:32] >> Okay. >> Sweetheart, I need to be honest with
[23:34] >> Sweetheart, I need to be honest with you. I always want to take care of you
[23:36] you. I always want to take care of you and I always want you to be okay. And a
[23:38] and I always want you to be okay. And a lot of times it feels like you're not.
[23:39] lot of times it feels like you're not. So when I come home and you look
[23:41] So when I come home and you look stressed out or tired or frazzled, I
[23:43] stressed out or tired or frazzled, I feel like I need to take care of you
[23:45] feel like I need to take care of you immediately and my brain won't turn off.
[23:46] immediately and my brain won't turn off. So I stay in problem mode. I'm not
[23:49] So I stay in problem mode. I'm not telling you not to have feelings, but
[23:51] telling you not to have feelings, but when I come home, I would love to rest
[23:52] when I come home, I would love to rest with you in a good peaceful environment
[23:54] with you in a good peaceful environment first. Give me a status report. Tell me
[23:56] first. Give me a status report. Tell me if there's any red flags, if there's no
[23:58] if there's any red flags, if there's no fires. I'm going to do my nervous system
[24:00] fires. I'm going to do my nervous system work and cool down. And I'd like some
[24:02] work and cool down. And I'd like some time to decompress, but then I want to
[24:04] time to decompress, but then I want to sit with you. I want us to laugh. I want
[24:06] sit with you. I want us to laugh. I want us to play for at least 30 minutes,
[24:08] us to play for at least 30 minutes, maybe an hour. I need that time with
[24:10] maybe an hour. I need that time with you, but I need to know that I can turn
[24:12] you, but I need to know that I can turn off. Can you give me that report? Give
[24:14] off. Can you give me that report? Give me the decompression. And can we play
[24:17] me the decompression. And can we play just a little bit? If we can do that, I
[24:19] just a little bit? If we can do that, I know I can be there for you.
[24:21] know I can be there for you. >> Now, I'm imagining what a wife or other
[24:24] >> Now, I'm imagining what a wife or other person might say, and they might say,
[24:27] person might say, and they might say, "It all sounds great. I'm stressed out
[24:29] "It all sounds great. I'm stressed out of my mind.
[24:30] of my mind. >> I had a super stressful day." And I, you
[24:34] >> I had a super stressful day." And I, you know, if they have kids, there's kids
[24:36] know, if they have kids, there's kids running around. There's dinner if this
[24:37] running around. There's dinner if this is the end of work day. And so you going
[24:40] is the end of work day. And so you going off and de-stressing and then coming to
[24:41] off and de-stressing and then coming to me and just wanted to hang out. You
[24:43] me and just wanted to hang out. You know,
[24:44] know, >> I don't know how we're going to make
[24:45] >> I don't know how we're going to make that happen. Sounds nice.
[24:47] that happen. Sounds nice. >> We need to make this happen because
[24:48] >> We need to make this happen because otherwise you and I, we're not
[24:50] otherwise you and I, we're not connecting the way we need to. I'm not
[24:51] connecting the way we need to. I'm not getting what I need, but you're not also
[24:52] getting what I need, but you're not also getting the best of me, and I don't want
[24:53] getting the best of me, and I don't want to do that. So, I agree. Let's build
[24:56] to do that. So, I agree. Let's build some systems where you're less stressed.
[24:57] some systems where you're less stressed. Let's take some of that off your plate.
[24:59] Let's take some of that off your plate. Let's work together and get that
[25:00] Let's work together and get that corrected. Number one. Number two, let's
[25:02] corrected. Number one. Number two, let's time our schedules. If I need some time
[25:04] time our schedules. If I need some time to decompress, you obviously do, too.
[25:06] to decompress, you obviously do, too. And maybe we need to time the time with
[25:07] And maybe we need to time the time with the kids. Maybe it's at night. Maybe
[25:08] the kids. Maybe it's at night. Maybe it's from 9:00 to 9:45. Let's build
[25:11] it's from 9:00 to 9:45. Let's build that. Let's be smart about this. But
[25:13] that. Let's be smart about this. But this is absolutely mandatory. We can't
[25:14] this is absolutely mandatory. We can't we can't not do this.
[25:16] we can't not do this. >> So, you're saying for the sake of the
[25:17] >> So, you're saying for the sake of the health of the relationship
[25:18] health of the relationship >> for our business, every business that
[25:21] >> for our business, every business that comes from it, this is non-negotiable.
[25:24] comes from it, this is non-negotiable. So would you recommend sticking the kids
[25:26] So would you recommend sticking the kids in front of a 20 minute cartoon
[25:30] in front of a 20 minute cartoon every evening? Like what are the stakes
[25:32] every evening? Like what are the stakes here?
[25:32] here? >> That's totally fine.
[25:33] >> That's totally fine. >> You think so?
[25:34] >> You think so? >> I think that if we need to,
[25:37] >> I think that if we need to, >> then sure, let's be strategic, right? 20
[25:41] >> then sure, let's be strategic, right? 20 minutes of cartoons every night, but the
[25:44] minutes of cartoons every night, but the parents have a loving, intimate, intact,
[25:46] parents have a loving, intimate, intact, romantic relationship where the father
[25:48] romantic relationship where the father can be emotionally connected to his kids
[25:50] can be emotionally connected to his kids and his wife and show them that where
[25:52] and his wife and show them that where the mom is calmer and more relaxed and
[25:54] the mom is calmer and more relaxed and at peace and breathing, where everybody
[25:57] at peace and breathing, where everybody is actually flowing and they get to talk
[25:59] is actually flowing and they get to talk about what's going on and share and the
[26:01] about what's going on and share and the kids see the parents managing and then
[26:03] kids see the parents managing and then they have a strong vibrant marriage for
[26:05] they have a strong vibrant marriage for the next 50 years that the kids get to
[26:07] the next 50 years that the kids get to model on. I think that 20 minutes of
[26:10] model on. I think that 20 minutes of cartoons, especially quality material,
[26:12] cartoons, especially quality material, the chosen adventures is great. My kids
[26:13] the chosen adventures is great. My kids are loving that. It's pretty safe. That
[26:16] are loving that. It's pretty safe. That would be a great payoff to achieve what
[26:18] would be a great payoff to achieve what we're looking for. We don't have to have
[26:20] we're looking for. We don't have to have absolute perfection. We need to do some
[26:22] absolute perfection. We need to do some balancing and take care of ourselves,
[26:24] balancing and take care of ourselves, but the marriage is everything.
[26:26] but the marriage is everything. >> Shout out to Brave Plus. It's a kid a
[26:28] >> Shout out to Brave Plus. It's a kid a low stem streaming network that we love
[26:30] low stem streaming network that we love on the show. Um I I remember when I was
[26:34] on the show. Um I I remember when I was Joe and I were dating, we went to
[26:37] Joe and I were dating, we went to counseling, marriage counseling in
[26:38] counseling, marriage counseling in preparation of we were engaged
[26:40] preparation of we were engaged preparation to be married and the
[26:42] preparation to be married and the counselor very older gentleman had done
[26:45] counselor very older gentleman had done decades of counseling couples families
[26:47] decades of counseling couples families and he said you should talk. It's
[26:50] and he said you should talk. It's different than what you're saying
[26:51] different than what you're saying because talk was a big part of it which
[26:53] because talk was a big part of it which I think what you're saying that's more
[26:54] I think what you're saying that's more valuable because sometimes talk can be
[26:56] valuable because sometimes talk can be exhausting especially for the man but he
[26:58] exhausting especially for the man but he was saying 30 minutes close the door
[27:00] was saying 30 minutes close the door talk to each other put the kids in front
[27:02] talk to each other put the kids in front of a TV like just if you have kids put
[27:04] of a TV like just if you have kids put them in front of a TV you need to look
[27:06] them in front of a TV you need to look each other in the eyes and talk.
[27:08] each other in the eyes and talk. >> Yes.
[27:09] >> Yes. >> Um in terms of activity let's say
[27:11] >> Um in terms of activity let's say there's those three minutes at least of
[27:13] there's those three minutes at least of talk
[27:14] talk >> but what else?
[27:15] >> but what else? >> 3 minutes to solve a problem.
[27:16] >> 3 minutes to solve a problem. >> To solve a problem. Got it. Okay.
[27:18] >> To solve a problem. Got it. Okay. >> Absolutely. But you can talk more than 3
[27:19] >> Absolutely. But you can talk more than 3 minutes.
[27:20] minutes. >> Absolutely. And you might need to set a
[27:21] >> Absolutely. And you might need to set a schedule and have bullet points that you
[27:23] schedule and have bullet points that you both come with for that conversation,
[27:24] both come with for that conversation, but it needs to be short, not 5 hours.
[27:26] but it needs to be short, not 5 hours. Uh talk. There's another way that men do
[27:28] Uh talk. There's another way that men do this, and I teach men all the time. Do
[27:30] this, and I teach men all the time. Do you know how to talk to your wife? And
[27:32] you know how to talk to your wife? And they always say, I have no idea. I say,
[27:34] they always say, I have no idea. I say, would you like to learn a method of talk
[27:35] would you like to learn a method of talk that can you can do in about 5 to 10
[27:38] that can you can do in about 5 to 10 minutes a day that will make your sex
[27:40] minutes a day that will make your sex life triple? And they say, "Well, yeah,
[27:43] life triple? And they say, "Well, yeah, Adam, I'm willing to learn that." So, I
[27:45] Adam, I'm willing to learn that." So, I say, "Okay, here's what you need to
[27:46] say, "Okay, here's what you need to understand. Your wife needs to know that
[27:49] understand. Your wife needs to know that she is becoming more personally valuable
[27:51] she is becoming more personally valuable to you over time because you value her
[27:52] to you over time because you value her wisdom and her character and her
[27:54] wisdom and her character and her experience. Wives know that they are
[27:57] experience. Wives know that they are trading youth and beauty for wisdom and
[27:59] trading youth and beauty for wisdom and experience. It's an amazing trade that
[28:01] experience. It's an amazing trade that makes both of your lives better, but she
[28:03] makes both of your lives better, but she needs to know that it is not youth and
[28:05] needs to know that it is not youth and beauty that's keeping you with her. It's
[28:07] beauty that's keeping you with her. It's who she is. So, you need to have
[28:09] who she is. So, you need to have conversations with her at least three to
[28:11] conversations with her at least three to four times a week where you really
[28:12] four times a week where you really embody that.
[28:14] embody that. >> You with me so far? That sounding good?
[28:16] >> You with me so far? That sounding good? I see. I see the look in your eyes. So,
[28:18] I see. I see the look in your eyes. So, to do this, there's one specific way
[28:19] to do this, there's one specific way that men need to be sharing with their
[28:21] that men need to be sharing with their wives. Very, very specific, and it's
[28:23] wives. Very, very specific, and it's counterintuitive.
[28:24] counterintuitive. >> Four steps. You know, I always have
[28:26] >> Four steps. You know, I always have numbers, right? Four steps. Number one,
[28:29] numbers, right? Four steps. Number one, sweetheart, can I bounce some ideas off
[28:30] sweetheart, can I bounce some ideas off of you? I have something that's going on
[28:32] of you? I have something that's going on in my life right now. I just kind of
[28:33] in my life right now. I just kind of want to run by you. See what your brain
[28:34] want to run by you. See what your brain does. The male's brain observes problems
[28:37] does. The male's brain observes problems in the back and jumps forward to solve
[28:39] in the back and jumps forward to solve them as fast as possible, but without
[28:40] them as fast as possible, but without much nuance. You might have noticed this
[28:42] much nuance. You might have noticed this sometimes with men that we get very
[28:44] sometimes with men that we get very laser focused and we jump too fast. The
[28:46] laser focused and we jump too fast. The female brain observes in the back and
[28:48] female brain observes in the back and goes back and forth across the
[28:49] goes back and forth across the hemispheres to make connections,
[28:50] hemispheres to make connections, relationships, and analyze data. Slower
[28:53] relationships, and analyze data. Slower at decision-m, but more nuanced and more
[28:55] at decision-m, but more nuanced and more thoughtful. We're supposed to be this
[28:56] thoughtful. We're supposed to be this way. So, our brains are actually meant
[28:58] way. So, our brains are actually meant to fit in like this and work together.
[29:00] to fit in like this and work together. God built us that way. So, sweetheart,
[29:03] God built us that way. So, sweetheart, can I run an idea by you? Yeah, no
[29:05] can I run an idea by you? Yeah, no problem. Here's a problem. I'm facing a
[29:07] problem. Here's a problem. I'm facing a challenge. Maybe it's at work, right? Uh
[29:09] challenge. Maybe it's at work, right? Uh Steve at work won't stop talking. He's
[29:11] Steve at work won't stop talking. He's always bothering me and he's being very
[29:13] always bothering me and he's being very rude and I don't like it. Right? Steve
[29:15] rude and I don't like it. Right? Steve at work won't stop talking. It's
[29:16] at work won't stop talking. It's affecting my work performance. You talk
[29:19] affecting my work performance. You talk about how you feel. So, the problem
[29:20] about how you feel. So, the problem you're facing, the feeling you're
[29:22] you're facing, the feeling you're having. This is useful sensory data. It
[29:25] having. This is useful sensory data. It tells her what your priority level is,
[29:27] tells her what your priority level is, how significant it is, how much time you
[29:29] how significant it is, how much time you have left. It also humanizes you so she
[29:31] have left. It also humanizes you so she understands what decisions you're making
[29:32] understands what decisions you're making and why. It is really frustrating me
[29:35] and why. It is really frustrating me because I am I am very prideful about my
[29:37] because I am I am very prideful about my work. I love my work. I really take it
[29:40] work. I love my work. I really take it seriously and it's making it harder cuz
[29:41] seriously and it's making it harder cuz Steve won't stop talking. Number three,
[29:44] Steve won't stop talking. Number three, the solution you think you're going to
[29:46] the solution you think you're going to apply. I think I'm just going to punch
[29:48] apply. I think I'm just going to punch Steve right in the mouth. That will make
[29:49] Steve right in the mouth. That will make him stop and he'll leave me alone. It'll
[29:52] him stop and he'll leave me alone. It'll be great. Maleb brain, right?
[29:54] be great. Maleb brain, right? Most men stop here and say, "Adam, if I
[29:56] Most men stop here and say, "Adam, if I already have a solution, why am I
[29:57] already have a solution, why am I talking to my wife? This is stupid. I'm
[29:58] talking to my wife? This is stupid. I'm just going to go do it."
[30:00] just going to go do it." Here's why. Number four, before I do
[30:03] Here's why. Number four, before I do that,
[30:05] that, is there anything I've missed? Do you
[30:07] is there anything I've missed? Do you have any thoughts to add to that as I'm
[30:09] have any thoughts to add to that as I'm making this decision? It's not should I
[30:12] making this decision? It's not should I do that? You're not making her the boss
[30:13] do that? You're not making her the boss and and making her the one responsible.
[30:16] and and making her the one responsible. Is there anything I've missed? You're
[30:18] Is there anything I've missed? You're actually checking in with her and
[30:19] actually checking in with her and saying, "Look, you know my way of
[30:20] saying, "Look, you know my way of thinking. You know where I'm short. You
[30:22] thinking. You know where I'm short. You know where I'm good. You know where I'm
[30:23] know where I'm good. You know where I'm bad. You know everything about me. And
[30:26] bad. You know everything about me. And your brain works different from mine. I
[30:28] your brain works different from mine. I trust you. Can you run this through your
[30:30] trust you. Can you run this through your brain and tell me what I'm missing?" And
[30:32] brain and tell me what I'm missing?" And the woman's brain, it's beautiful. When
[30:34] the woman's brain, it's beautiful. When my wife does this, she just comes up
[30:36] my wife does this, she just comes up with crazy things I would never have
[30:37] with crazy things I would never have imagined. Well, this could work, but
[30:39] imagined. Well, this could work, but this and this and this, this will be a
[30:41] this and this and this, this will be a problem. Here's this. [snorts] A man
[30:43] problem. Here's this. [snorts] A man goes, "Wow, I never thought about that."
[30:45] goes, "Wow, I never thought about that." Okay, so if I do this, I add this piece.
[30:49] Okay, so if I do this, I add this piece. And usually women will present it as,
[30:50] And usually women will present it as, "Well, what about this? Have you thought
[30:52] "Well, what about this? Have you thought about this?" They'll ask questions.
[30:53] about this?" They'll ask questions. Women don't usually like to say direct,
[30:55] Women don't usually like to say direct, but they'll ask questions and stimulate
[30:57] but they'll ask questions and stimulate his thinking brain. And this is the
[30:59] his thinking brain. And this is the discussion. This is you actually getting
[31:01] discussion. This is you actually getting your wife's wisdom, cuz no one will ever
[31:02] your wife's wisdom, cuz no one will ever know you better than your wife knows you
[31:04] know you better than your wife knows you realistically. Fair.
[31:06] realistically. Fair. >> That's so [music] good.
[31:08] >> That's so [music] good. I'm a huge fan of Weheart Nutrition. It
[31:10] I'm a huge fan of Weheart Nutrition. It is a prolife family-owned business that
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[32:49] everyife.com. Use code lila at checkout. I think there is a there is sort of a
[32:52] I think there is a there is sort of a narrative around men that men cannot
[32:55] narrative around men that men cannot show vulnerability or weakness that it's
[32:58] show vulnerability or weakness that it's weak to show weakness. And men are not
[33:02] weak to show weakness. And men are not able to express their feelings
[33:05] able to express their feelings intimately with a woman because they're
[33:07] intimately with a woman because they're afraid of rejection or not looking
[33:09] afraid of rejection or not looking strong enough or they don't know how to
[33:11] strong enough or they don't know how to even verbalize that.
[33:12] even verbalize that. >> Mhm. [laughter] Yeah. So I tell men and
[33:14] >> Mhm. [laughter] Yeah. So I tell men and I hear this a lot. You get two choices.
[33:16] I hear this a lot. You get two choices. You can show weakness or you can show
[33:18] You can show weakness or you can show stupidity. Which one do you want to
[33:19] stupidity. Which one do you want to show?
[33:20] show? >> Weakness in this case is I'm having a
[33:22] >> Weakness in this case is I'm having a challenge. I need to fix it. I'm working
[33:25] challenge. I need to fix it. I'm working on it. I'd like some advice and some
[33:26] on it. I'd like some advice and some counsel. I'm a wise enough man to know
[33:29] counsel. I'm a wise enough man to know I'll never be perfect. So, I have some
[33:31] I'll never be perfect. So, I have some challenges. Can you run it through your
[33:32] challenges. Can you run it through your brain and give me experience and the
[33:34] brain and give me experience and the benefit of your wisdom? So, you can look
[33:36] benefit of your wisdom? So, you can look weak, quote unquote, vulnerable in that
[33:38] weak, quote unquote, vulnerable in that moment because you're facing a challenge
[33:40] moment because you're facing a challenge and grow their respect for you because
[33:42] and grow their respect for you because you're a man who faces your challenges
[33:43] you're a man who faces your challenges headon and does something about them. Or
[33:46] headon and does something about them. Or you can look like an idiot who says, "I
[33:48] you can look like an idiot who says, "I can't ask anyone for anything, so I'm
[33:50] can't ask anyone for anything, so I'm going to get it wrong all the time."
[33:53] going to get it wrong all the time." Two choices.
[33:54] Two choices. >> What if they think they're getting it
[33:55] >> What if they think they're getting it right? That's fantastic. And they might
[33:58] right? That's fantastic. And they might for a while, but nobody, no man, is an
[34:00] for a while, but nobody, no man, is an island. And every man, even righteous
[34:03] island. And every man, even righteous men, sin 40 times a day. So what you're
[34:05] men, sin 40 times a day. So what you're told
[34:06] told >> and the wife, the woman is supposed to
[34:08] >> and the wife, the woman is supposed to be helpful in this way is what you're
[34:09] be helpful in this way is what you're saying.
[34:10] saying. >> And that's also a pathway to connecting
[34:11] >> And that's also a pathway to connecting and bonding with her.
[34:12] and bonding with her. >> Right. So it's a business.
[34:14] >> Right. So it's a business. >> You need to invite. It sounds like what
[34:15] >> You need to invite. It sounds like what you're saying to me, whether it's in a
[34:17] you're saying to me, whether it's in a relationship where you're getting to
[34:18] relationship where you're getting to know someone and you're testing
[34:19] know someone and you're testing connection and developing connection or
[34:21] connection and developing connection or you're married, is in order to bond with
[34:24] you're married, is in order to bond with your woman and for a woman to bond with
[34:26] your woman and for a woman to bond with her man, there needs to be an ensheling
[34:29] her man, there needs to be an ensheling the struggles of the daily life together
[34:31] the struggles of the daily life together and solving the problems of the daily
[34:33] and solving the problems of the daily life together.
[34:33] life together. >> There's a basic bonding hormone called
[34:35] >> There's a basic bonding hormone called vasopressin that men have more receptors
[34:36] vasopressin that men have more receptors for. Vasop prein is only activated when
[34:39] for. Vasop prein is only activated when we solve problems together as a team. It
[34:41] we solve problems together as a team. It is not activated under any other real
[34:43] is not activated under any other real circumstances between humans. It's also
[34:45] circumstances between humans. It's also when we see it in mammals, it's the
[34:47] when we see it in mammals, it's the thing that makes them monogamous and
[34:49] thing that makes them monogamous and protective. If we block it in mammals,
[34:52] protective. If we block it in mammals, they start cheating. If we flood them,
[34:54] they start cheating. If we flood them, they become more monogous, even if they
[34:55] they become more monogous, even if they were cheating before. Men need this.
[34:58] were cheating before. Men need this. It's what makes World War II veterans
[35:00] It's what makes World War II veterans hug each other and cry after 50, 60
[35:02] hug each other and cry after 50, 60 years when they see each other again.
[35:04] years when they see each other again. This is the bonding hormone for loyalty
[35:06] This is the bonding hormone for loyalty especially with men and then a drive
[35:08] especially with men and then a drive toward passion, sex, desire, connection,
[35:11] toward passion, sex, desire, connection, protection, everything. This is
[35:13] protection, everything. This is fulfillment for men. This is the
[35:14] fulfillment for men. This is the commitment hormone. Women have it too,
[35:16] commitment hormone. Women have it too, but men have it more. He cannot do this
[35:18] but men have it more. He cannot do this if he is not bonding with you. And women
[35:20] if he is not bonding with you. And women know this intuitively. It's also again
[35:23] know this intuitively. It's also again marriage is a business. I believe the
[35:25] marriage is a business. I believe the man is the CEO, constantly running
[35:27] man is the CEO, constantly running around putting out fires, facing
[35:28] around putting out fires, facing problems, bringing vision. But if you
[35:30] problems, bringing vision. But if you hire a chief operations officer, a COO
[35:33] hire a chief operations officer, a COO who runs on the inside and runs your
[35:35] who runs on the inside and runs your company, and then you shut her up, lock
[35:37] company, and then you shut her up, lock her in her office, never speak to her,
[35:39] her in her office, never speak to her, and then you just walk by occasionally
[35:40] and then you just walk by occasionally to look at her cuz she's pretty. Why
[35:42] to look at her cuz she's pretty. Why have you hired her? And most women know
[35:44] have you hired her? And most women know that it kills her job security when you
[35:47] that it kills her job security when you don't talk to her. So, what kind of
[35:49] don't talk to her. So, what kind of idiot CEO hires an executive and
[35:52] idiot CEO hires an executive and co-found with her and then says, "I can
[35:55] co-found with her and then says, "I can never ever ever tell my executive and my
[35:58] never ever ever tell my executive and my co-founder that I don't know how to do
[36:00] co-founder that I don't know how to do something. I will guess and do it wrong
[36:03] something. I will guess and do it wrong because that's better than asking for
[36:05] because that's better than asking for her help. It is the dumbest thing that
[36:08] her help. It is the dumbest thing that you can possibly do. And I know that men
[36:10] you can possibly do. And I know that men do it because they're afraid that women
[36:12] do it because they're afraid that women will lose respect for them. Do it the
[36:14] will lose respect for them. Do it the correct way. You don't go to her sobbing
[36:17] correct way. You don't go to her sobbing on the floor saying, "I'm so broken and
[36:19] on the floor saying, "I'm so broken and sad. Please fix me." Or, "Please rescue
[36:21] sad. Please fix me." Or, "Please rescue me. You be the CEO now. You be my
[36:23] me. You be the CEO now. You be my mommy." You go and say, "I'm having
[36:25] mommy." You go and say, "I'm having these challenges and I'm working on
[36:27] these challenges and I'm working on them. Help me do that."
[36:29] them. Help me do that." >> And you also don't just, like you said,
[36:31] >> And you also don't just, like you said, block her out and just, you know,
[36:33] block her out and just, you know, suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer, and
[36:35] suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer, and never invite her into problem solving
[36:37] never invite her into problem solving with you. That is a great way for a man
[36:39] with you. That is a great way for a man to go on and start having affairs that
[36:41] to go on and start having affairs that he doesn't want to have down the road
[36:43] he doesn't want to have down the road because he'll convince himself. He
[36:45] because he'll convince himself. He doesn't have an ally. No one helps him.
[36:47] doesn't have an ally. No one helps him. He's all alone. And then to be a good
[36:49] He's all alone. And then to be a good husband and keep going, he needs the
[36:51] husband and keep going, he needs the dopamine. That's a great way for a man
[36:54] dopamine. That's a great way for a man to convince himself that it's okay to
[36:56] to convince himself that it's okay to have an affair. I work on those all the
[36:57] have an affair. I work on those all the time. I have couples come in where one
[36:59] time. I have couples come in where one of them, the man usually has had an
[37:01] of them, the man usually has had an affair, he hates it, she hates it, and
[37:02] affair, he hates it, she hates it, and they want to fix it, and they don't know
[37:04] they want to fix it, and they don't know how. That's how we have to fix it. is
[37:06] how. That's how we have to fix it. is the only way to fix is by showing her
[37:08] the only way to fix is by showing her that he is a different man and that he
[37:11] that he is a different man and that he actually values her as a human being not
[37:13] actually values her as a human being not as a pretty object in his life.
[37:15] as a pretty object in his life. >> When you talk about vasopressin being
[37:16] >> When you talk about vasopressin being this bonding hormone and this loyalty
[37:18] this bonding hormone and this loyalty hormone, I think also about, you know,
[37:21] hormone, I think also about, you know, you mentioned the World War II veterans,
[37:22] you mentioned the World War II veterans, you know, men who are on a sports team,
[37:25] you know, men who are on a sports team, you know, with other men or they were in
[37:27] you know, with other men or they were in a fraternity with other men or they were
[37:29] a fraternity with other men or they were just with other men. Military is
[37:30] just with other men. Military is obviously a prime example and those
[37:33] obviously a prime example and those lifelong friendships and connections
[37:36] lifelong friendships and connections that pass the test of time and somehow
[37:39] that pass the test of time and somehow those can feel deeper and safer and
[37:43] those can feel deeper and safer and stronger than the woman. And I think
[37:45] stronger than the woman. And I think women sometimes feel a sense of jealousy
[37:50] women sometimes feel a sense of jealousy for their man connecting so deeply and
[37:53] for their man connecting so deeply and feeling so safe with other men, but then
[37:55] feeling so safe with other men, but then they think, well, he needs that. I'm not
[37:57] they think, well, he needs that. I'm not really the best friend. I mean, I'm I'm
[37:59] really the best friend. I mean, I'm I'm a friend. I'm a best friend, but he
[38:01] a friend. I'm a best friend, but he needs his male best friends, those guys.
[38:03] needs his male best friends, those guys. And I'm like the beautiful woman he
[38:05] And I'm like the beautiful woman he adores. And so, I'll kind of play that
[38:07] adores. And so, I'll kind of play that role, the beautiful woman that's like
[38:09] role, the beautiful woman that's like attractive and charming. And then, you
[38:11] attractive and charming. And then, you know, and also the damsel in distress.
[38:12] know, and also the damsel in distress. Occasionally, he can solve my problem
[38:14] Occasionally, he can solve my problem and then let him go and be a guy. And I
[38:16] and then let him go and be a guy. And I do think that's a bit of a stereotype
[38:18] do think that's a bit of a stereotype that a lot of people just accidentally
[38:20] that a lot of people just accidentally fall into living that way instead of we
[38:23] fall into living that way instead of we are co-equals COO and CEO but so he's
[38:26] are co-equals COO and CEO but so he's you know he's the lead but we're equal
[38:28] you know he's the lead but we're equal in terms of our toughness. We're going
[38:30] in terms of our toughness. We're going to be strong together in different ways
[38:32] to be strong together in different ways and we're going to fight for this shared
[38:34] and we're going to fight for this shared project we're building and we have these
[38:36] project we're building and we have these beautiful roles in that and we are more
[38:38] beautiful roles in that and we are more intimate than any other two people out
[38:40] intimate than any other two people out there. I mean we are this team and the
[38:42] there. I mean we are this team and the loyalty the the most loyalty is here.
[38:45] loyalty the the most loyalty is here. The most trust is here. It's not like he
[38:46] The most trust is here. It's not like he finally feels safe and trust and loyalty
[38:48] finally feels safe and trust and loyalty with the dudes and comes home to me and
[38:50] with the dudes and comes home to me and there's like chaos. We have that bond
[38:52] there's like chaos. We have that bond and it's tighter than anything.
[38:54] and it's tighter than anything. >> Yes, it is equal as co-founders first.
[38:56] >> Yes, it is equal as co-founders first. Co-founding a legacy that God is leading
[38:59] Co-founding a legacy that God is leading you to co-found. Remember that marriage
[39:00] you to co-found. Remember that marriage is a vocation. God doesn't give
[39:02] is a vocation. God doesn't give vocations so you feel good. God God
[39:05] vocations so you feel good. God God gives vocations to achieve a purpose.
[39:07] gives vocations to achieve a purpose. Marriage is to achieve a purpose. That's
[39:08] Marriage is to achieve a purpose. That's why it's a business. This is a vocation,
[39:11] why it's a business. This is a vocation, not not uh a fun retreat you get to go
[39:13] not not uh a fun retreat you get to go on. Right? So you have to be equal
[39:16] on. Right? So you have to be equal co-founders first, equal in human
[39:18] co-founders first, equal in human dignity and equal in value. And then God
[39:21] dignity and equal in value. And then God gives you roles inside of that that you
[39:23] gives you roles inside of that that you specialize into. So you are equal
[39:25] specialize into. So you are equal co-founders and then he is the CEO and
[39:27] co-founders and then he is the CEO and she is the COO. Some people like to
[39:29] she is the COO. Some people like to argue with me and say, "Adam, the woman
[39:31] argue with me and say, "Adam, the woman is the leader." Sometimes people say,
[39:32] is the leader." Sometimes people say, "The man's the leader." I hear women say
[39:34] "The man's the leader." I hear women say they're the leader. I think each one of
[39:35] they're the leader. I think each one of them is leading in their own domain in
[39:38] them is leading in their own domain in separate ways. Masculine leadership on
[39:40] separate ways. Masculine leadership on the outside and feminine leadership on
[39:42] the outside and feminine leadership on the inside. We have different spheres.
[39:43] the inside. We have different spheres. There's no reason to step on each
[39:45] There's no reason to step on each other's toes and there's no argument
[39:46] other's toes and there's no argument about who's more valuable or who's more
[39:48] about who's more valuable or who's more important. The system dies if we are out
[39:50] important. The system dies if we are out of alignment. We are designed to be
[39:52] of alignment. We are designed to be together and fit that way. Going back to
[39:54] together and fit that way. Going back to your question a little bit earlier about
[39:55] your question a little bit earlier about how people can do this when they're
[39:57] how people can do this when they're looking for a partner. This is what
[39:58] looking for a partner. This is what you're filtering for. Can he work with
[40:01] you're filtering for. Can he work with me? Does he value a woman who brings
[40:04] me? Does he value a woman who brings insight and thoughtfulness? When I ask
[40:06] insight and thoughtfulness? When I ask questions, does he answer them? Does he
[40:08] questions, does he answer them? Does he welcome them or does he run screaming
[40:09] welcome them or does he run screaming from them? Does he ask me questions?
[40:12] from them? Does he ask me questions? What is he looking for? What's his
[40:14] What is he looking for? What's his vision? What kind of company does he
[40:15] vision? What kind of company does he want to build? If I want to open a
[40:17] want to build? If I want to open a spaghetti restaurant, he wants to open a
[40:18] spaghetti restaurant, he wants to open a Nike shoe factory, there's a problem. If
[40:20] Nike shoe factory, there's a problem. If he just wants to see where it goes for
[40:22] he just wants to see where it goes for the next 8 years, there's a problem.
[40:24] the next 8 years, there's a problem. We're building a business. We're not
[40:25] We're building a business. We're not just laying around on a beach thinking
[40:27] just laying around on a beach thinking about a business. She needs to be
[40:29] about a business. She needs to be effectively filtering as if she has a
[40:32] effectively filtering as if she has a billion dollar idea that she's finding
[40:34] billion dollar idea that she's finding the right co-founder for. and you're
[40:36] the right co-founder for. and you're either going to have that billion dollar
[40:38] either going to have that billion dollar idea turn into 10 billion with the right
[40:40] idea turn into 10 billion with the right CEO or turn into five bucks with the
[40:42] CEO or turn into five bucks with the wrong CEO. You need to make sure you're
[40:44] wrong CEO. You need to make sure you're doing that. So a lot of questions about
[40:47] doing that. So a lot of questions about that and this is now going into the kind
[40:49] that and this is now going into the kind of mate selection process and then I
[40:52] of mate selection process and then I want to talk about once the selection
[40:53] want to talk about once the selection process has been completed and the
[40:55] process has been completed and the marriage has commenced
[40:56] marriage has commenced >> the uh maybe concerns people have or
[41:01] >> the uh maybe concerns people have or they're like oh I wish I had known this
[41:02] they're like oh I wish I had known this Adam before I got married or oh it's
[41:04] Adam before I got married or oh it's different than I thought we had
[41:06] different than I thought we had discussed and like you know problem
[41:08] discussed and like you know problem solving that but for dating uh even what
[41:12] solving that but for dating uh even what you just said
[41:14] you just said I think for a lot of women will
[41:16] I think for a lot of women will resonate.
[41:18] resonate. >> They would like to approach dating that
[41:20] >> They would like to approach dating that way. Highly value myself. I have no
[41:22] way. Highly value myself. I have no competitor. I'm going to take care of
[41:24] competitor. I'm going to take care of myself and be the best I can be. You
[41:25] myself and be the best I can be. You know, work on myself and then I'm going
[41:27] know, work on myself and then I'm going out to search for a co-equal, my CEO.
[41:30] out to search for a co-equal, my CEO. I'm the COO and we're going to build
[41:31] I'm the COO and we're going to build something really beautiful together.
[41:32] something really beautiful together. Blah blah blah. Right? This all sounds
[41:34] Blah blah blah. Right? This all sounds great. But I think a lot of women are
[41:36] great. But I think a lot of women are going to say it's impossible, Adam.
[41:38] going to say it's impossible, Adam. [laughter]
[41:38] [laughter] [gasps] Uh it's just imp it feels
[41:41] [gasps] Uh it's just imp it feels impossible to find this guy. first just
[41:43] impossible to find this guy. first just filtering for guys that are going to
[41:44] filtering for guys that are going to respect chastity you know if you're a
[41:46] respect chastity you know if you're a Christian who are not who are going to
[41:48] Christian who are not who are going to be you know pure and who are not
[41:50] be you know pure and who are not addicted already to porn unfortunately
[41:52] addicted already to porn unfortunately that's like so many people because they
[41:53] that's like so many people because they get hooked as children and it's just
[41:55] get hooked as children and it's just horrific
[41:56] horrific >> and then like they have the right view
[41:58] >> and then like they have the right view of women a respectful view but then
[42:00] of women a respectful view but then they're also traditional and that they
[42:01] they're also traditional and that they want to be the man right so there's this
[42:03] want to be the man right so there's this like thing where they're not like a
[42:04] like thing where they're not like a doineering man but then they're also a
[42:06] doineering man but then they're also a man who wants to lead
[42:09] man who wants to lead >> and then oh and they want to build
[42:11] >> and then oh and they want to build something with me and then we can make
[42:13] something with me and then we can make it all work.
[42:14] it all work. >> Mhm.
[42:14] >> Mhm. >> It's like there's so many levels in that
[42:16] >> It's like there's so many levels in that Mario Kart game that I think some women
[42:19] Mario Kart game that I think some women are just like, I'm out in the dating
[42:20] are just like, I'm out in the dating market and I'm just having a lot of
[42:22] market and I'm just having a lot of trouble finding that guy. And then I'm
[42:24] trouble finding that guy. And then I'm going to say this from the man's point
[42:26] going to say this from the man's point of view cuz he has his own issues. You
[42:28] of view cuz he has his own issues. You know, it's not like it's just women have
[42:29] know, it's not like it's just women have a hard time. Men are having a hard time,
[42:30] a hard time. Men are having a hard time, too.
[42:30] too. >> I I hear the same thing from men. Men
[42:32] >> I I hear the same thing from men. Men are convinced that women don't want
[42:33] are convinced that women don't want marriage or kids anymore. And women are
[42:34] marriage or kids anymore. And women are convinced men don't want marriage and
[42:36] convinced men don't want marriage and kids anymore because nobody's talking
[42:37] kids anymore because nobody's talking about it. The biggest thing that I see
[42:38] about it. The biggest thing that I see is that nobody is willing to ask
[42:40] is that nobody is willing to ask questions or be blunt about what they
[42:42] questions or be blunt about what they want. And I don't mean and nasty about
[42:44] want. And I don't mean and nasty about it. Most women only become honest when
[42:46] it. Most women only become honest when they become mean and nasty because
[42:47] they become mean and nasty because they're angry. Anger [snorts] is the
[42:49] they're angry. Anger [snorts] is the only thing that makes most people be
[42:50] only thing that makes most people be honest in dating anymore.
[42:53] honest in dating anymore. I think that people need to be leading
[42:54] I think that people need to be leading with curiosity and politeness, but
[42:56] with curiosity and politeness, but asking very blunt, direct questions.
[42:57] asking very blunt, direct questions. What I have found actually is that a lot
[42:59] What I have found actually is that a lot of modern men are raised by women and
[43:01] of modern men are raised by women and they're trying to be very, very
[43:03] they're trying to be very, very accommodating.
[43:04] accommodating. >> [snorts]
[43:04] >> [snorts] >> But when you push on a man and ask him
[43:06] >> But when you push on a man and ask him to start thinking critically and having
[43:08] to start thinking critically and having conversations, he'll give you better
[43:10] conversations, he'll give you better answers. Sometimes he's forming them on
[43:12] answers. Sometimes he's forming them on the spot. I'm not saying that it's her
[43:13] the spot. I'm not saying that it's her job to build a man. It's her job to
[43:15] job to build a man. It's her job to inspire him through conversation to be
[43:18] inspire him through conversation to be the man that he is. And I think that's
[43:20] the man that he is. And I think that's one thing that's missing is that most
[43:21] one thing that's missing is that most men don't know how to integrate with
[43:23] men don't know how to integrate with women because they don't know what women
[43:24] women because they don't know what women want. So my biggest thing, number one,
[43:26] want. So my biggest thing, number one, is for women out there, start asking
[43:28] is for women out there, start asking questions. What are you building in your
[43:30] questions. What are you building in your life? What are you achieving in your
[43:32] life? What are you achieving in your life? Who's a mentor you look up to?
[43:34] life? Who's a mentor you look up to? What's a skill you're learning right
[43:36] What's a skill you're learning right now? What do you want to build for? Are
[43:39] now? What do you want to build for? Are you wanting to get married and have a
[43:40] you wanting to get married and have a wife or just have a girlfriend forever?
[43:42] wife or just have a girlfriend forever? It's okay whichever way. Just tell me so
[43:44] It's okay whichever way. Just tell me so I make sure we're aligned, right? It's
[43:45] I make sure we're aligned, right? It's not an angry conversation. It's a
[43:47] not an angry conversation. It's a friendly one.
[43:48] friendly one. >> What would you want a wife to do in your
[43:50] >> What would you want a wife to do in your life? What's that vision? Do you want
[43:52] life? What's that vision? Do you want kids? If so, why? The why is so crucial.
[43:56] kids? If so, why? The why is so crucial. Most women don't ask if you want to get
[43:58] Most women don't ask if you want to get married or have kids until year eight.
[44:01] married or have kids until year eight. So on the first date is where I tell
[44:03] So on the first date is where I tell women start asking these things.
[44:05] women start asking these things. >> All those questions you would recommend
[44:06] >> All those questions you would recommend for the first date
[44:07] for the first date >> first and second date and third date and
[44:09] >> first and second date and third date and third date you start talking about the
[44:11] third date you start talking about the harsh realities of what each one of you
[44:12] harsh realities of what each one of you is facing and what you're doing about
[44:14] is facing and what you're doing about it.
[44:14] it. >> I love I mean I love that but some
[44:16] >> I love I mean I love that but some people listen are like too quick. I like
[44:18] people listen are like too quick. I like what do you want to do? I mean instead
[44:19] what do you want to do? I mean instead of like let's just get to know each
[44:20] of like let's just get to know each other and see if the vibe is good.
[44:22] other and see if the vibe is good. >> Yeah. That's what the Bible says. Yeah.
[44:23] >> Yeah. That's what the Bible says. Yeah. Get to know each other and do the vibe.
[44:25] Get to know each other and do the vibe. That's what it says for eight years,
[44:26] That's what it says for eight years, right? No.
[44:27] right? No. >> One date. One date. No. Well, they say
[44:29] >> One date. One date. No. Well, they say the truth shall set you free. So, I say
[44:31] the truth shall set you free. So, I say tell the truth as fast as possible. But
[44:34] tell the truth as fast as possible. But >> the harsher truths come on date number
[44:35] >> the harsher truths come on date number three. I have a whole three-date method.
[44:37] three. I have a whole three-date method. And and people always tell me I'm crazy.
[44:38] And and people always tell me I'm crazy. >> We got to do the three- date method.
[44:40] >> We got to do the three- date method. >> I know. We will. We will.
[44:41] >> I know. We will. We will. >> I will say though, I've talked and maybe
[44:42] >> I will say though, I've talked and maybe these are anxious avoidant men or maybe
[44:44] these are anxious avoidant men or maybe they're women with their own attachment
[44:45] they're women with their own attachment issues, but I have heard from some
[44:48] issues, but I have heard from some people from men. I'll say this is
[44:50] people from men. I'll say this is specifically I've heard this for with
[44:52] specifically I've heard this for with some men and I and I've heard a version
[44:53] some men and I and I've heard a version of women. So, let me explain. With the
[44:55] of women. So, let me explain. With the men, it's She just wanted to check her
[44:58] men, it's She just wanted to check her boxes.
[44:59] boxes. >> I was a box. I was a I was a piece of
[45:01] >> I was a box. I was a I was a piece of paper. Yes.
[45:02] paper. Yes. >> And I had boxes written up from my head
[45:04] >> And I had boxes written up from my head to my toe and she was checking boxes and
[45:06] to my toe and she was checking boxes and they didn't all check and then it was
[45:08] they didn't all check and then it was obnoxious and I didn't like her.
[45:10] obnoxious and I didn't like her. >> And then the woman it's like um he
[45:12] >> And then the woman it's like um he didn't really I mean the woman it's more
[45:14] didn't really I mean the woman it's more actually he didn't really want to get to
[45:16] actually he didn't really want to get to know me. So there's actually the
[45:17] know me. So there's actually the opposite issue a lot of the time. But
[45:20] opposite issue a lot of the time. But >> there's a lot of wrong ways to do this.
[45:22] >> there's a lot of wrong ways to do this. There's one right way to do it. There's
[45:24] There's one right way to do it. There's a lot of wrong ways. Most people do it
[45:26] a lot of wrong ways. Most people do it the wrong way by being pleasing and
[45:28] the wrong way by being pleasing and accommodating and friendly and just
[45:29] accommodating and friendly and just having fun for the first 20 dates and
[45:31] having fun for the first 20 dates and then it goes nowhere and they wonder
[45:33] then it goes nowhere and they wonder why. And then they eventually get angry
[45:35] why. And then they eventually get angry and upset and start dating angrily and
[45:37] and upset and start dating angrily and demanding questions and bank statements
[45:39] demanding questions and bank statements and things like this and this is also
[45:40] and things like this and this is also not correct and then they start just
[45:42] not correct and then they start just running random checklists hoping that a
[45:43] running random checklists hoping that a checklist will help them. And what
[45:45] checklist will help them. And what you're doing is stimulating people or
[45:47] you're doing is stimulating people or protecting yourself from people. You're
[45:48] protecting yourself from people. You're not having relationships with people.
[45:50] not having relationships with people. Remember that these dating processes you
[45:52] Remember that these dating processes you are trying to find one correct
[45:54] are trying to find one correct co-founder that you can connect to human
[45:57] co-founder that you can connect to human to human. That's secure attachment. You
[45:59] to human. That's secure attachment. You are scanning for the ability to have
[46:01] are scanning for the ability to have secure relationship so that you can then
[46:03] secure relationship so that you can then work together effectively as a team for
[46:05] work together effectively as a team for the next 60 years. You have to start
[46:07] the next 60 years. You have to start assessing that from date number one. You
[46:10] assessing that from date number one. You have to anything else is wrong.
[46:12] have to anything else is wrong. >> And so the questions you would recommend
[46:14] >> And so the questions you would recommend what what is your three-day method?
[46:16] what what is your three-day method? >> First date primal chemistry.
[46:19] >> First date primal chemistry. You talk, you laugh, you joke, you ask
[46:22] You talk, you laugh, you joke, you ask questions that are more probing, and you
[46:24] questions that are more probing, and you ask the why questions. What do you do
[46:26] ask the why questions. What do you do for a living and why? Who's your best
[46:28] for a living and why? Who's your best friend and why? Who have you learned
[46:30] friend and why? Who have you learned from recently? And what have you learned
[46:32] from recently? And what have you learned and why them? The why questions is you
[46:35] and why them? The why questions is you get to know them a lot more. Primal
[46:36] get to know them a lot more. Primal chemistry, do you like how they look,
[46:37] chemistry, do you like how they look, how they sound, how they laugh, how they
[46:39] how they sound, how they laugh, how they talk, all of these pieces. By the end of
[46:41] talk, all of these pieces. By the end of the first date, you must must ask if
[46:44] the first date, you must must ask if they want a committed relationship and
[46:46] they want a committed relationship and if so, what it looks like. mandatory.
[46:49] if so, what it looks like. mandatory. >> Not necessarily, do you want a committed
[46:50] >> Not necessarily, do you want a committed relationship with me? But
[46:52] relationship with me? But >> yeah, we're not getting married
[46:52] >> yeah, we're not getting married tomorrow, but yeah.
[46:53] tomorrow, but yeah. >> Are you looking for a committed
[46:55] >> Are you looking for a committed relationship right now?
[46:56] relationship right now? >> Then they have to say yes, that is all I
[46:58] >> Then they have to say yes, that is all I want.
[46:58] want. >> But if they say like, well, I don't
[47:00] >> But if they say like, well, I don't know. I just want to see where this
[47:01] know. I just want to see where this goes.
[47:01] goes. >> Great. Fantastic. Go enjoy that with
[47:04] >> Great. Fantastic. Go enjoy that with somebody else.
[47:04] somebody else. >> Yes.
[47:05] >> Yes. >> Wonderful. You want to open a hot dog?
[47:06] >> Wonderful. You want to open a hot dog? >> A lot of girls think he's going to
[47:08] >> A lot of girls think he's going to change his mind. And sometimes they do
[47:09] change his mind. And sometimes they do change their mind.
[47:10] change their mind. >> Yeah. Women change for relationships.
[47:11] >> Yeah. Women change for relationships. Men change for consequences.
[47:14] Men change for consequences. >> That's good. So find a man who's already
[47:16] >> That's good. So find a man who's already changed because he's already had the
[47:17] changed because he's already had the consequences.
[47:18] consequences. >> Otherwise, you're going to have to be
[47:19] >> Otherwise, you're going to have to be his consequence and it's not going to be
[47:20] his consequence and it's not going to be fun.
[47:20] fun. >> Yeah. Then you're his mom.
[47:21] >> Yeah. Then you're his mom. >> Yeah. Or you're going to have to like
[47:23] >> Yeah. Or you're going to have to like walk out dramatically and it's going to
[47:24] walk out dramatically and it's going to be a pain for
[47:25] be a pain for >> terrible. I I have 12 levels of
[47:26] >> terrible. I I have 12 levels of consequences I teach women as well cuz
[47:27] consequences I teach women as well cuz they don't know how to do that. It's
[47:29] they don't know how to do that. It's it's just make him I have numbers for
[47:31] it's just make him I have numbers for every but it's just make him happy until
[47:33] every but it's just make him happy until I file for divorce
[47:35] I file for divorce >> 25 years in.
[47:36] >> 25 years in. >> Ouch.
[47:36] >> Ouch. >> That's what most women are doing.
[47:38] >> That's what most women are doing. >> Ouch. Ouch.
[47:39] >> Ouch. Ouch. >> Yes.
[47:40] >> Yes. >> Okay. So, date one primal chemistry. Is
[47:42] >> Okay. So, date one primal chemistry. Is it there? Ask the why questions. You
[47:44] it there? Ask the why questions. You don't have to do all the questions, of
[47:45] don't have to do all the questions, of course, but get a feel for them. Enjoy
[47:48] course, but get a feel for them. Enjoy yourself, right? Like get a glass of
[47:50] yourself, right? Like get a glass of wine if it's a dinner date or enjoy the
[47:51] wine if it's a dinner date or enjoy the hike, whatever you're doing.
[47:52] hike, whatever you're doing. >> Yeah, sure. But verify verify
[47:54] >> Yeah, sure. But verify verify commitment. Verify commitment. That's
[47:56] commitment. Verify commitment. That's their only target.
[47:57] their only target. >> Okay.
[47:57] >> Okay. >> Second date is personal chemistry. You
[47:59] >> Second date is personal chemistry. You ask a lot of questions about their
[48:00] ask a lot of questions about their values, their goals, their beliefs,
[48:03] values, their goals, their beliefs, their religion, their focus on
[48:04] their religion, their focus on philosophy or whatever it may be. Not
[48:06] philosophy or whatever it may be. Not intellectual highle stuff necessarily,
[48:08] intellectual highle stuff necessarily, but personal stuff. And see if they are
[48:10] but personal stuff. And see if they are capable of personal conversation. see if
[48:13] capable of personal conversation. see if they're capable of sharing emotional
[48:14] they're capable of sharing emotional data. If they're not, they might be
[48:16] data. If they're not, they might be heavily avoidant and overly
[48:17] heavily avoidant and overly intellectual. But you need to have those
[48:19] intellectual. But you need to have those questions on the second date. Yes, okay,
[48:21] questions on the second date. Yes, okay, you can talk about movies and hobbies
[48:23] you can talk about movies and hobbies and interests. That's maybe 15% of what
[48:25] and interests. That's maybe 15% of what you're trying to build. It's not 90%
[48:27] you're trying to build. It's not 90% like most people think, but make sure
[48:28] like most people think, but make sure your values aligned, especially
[48:31] your values aligned, especially third date, attachment chemistry. Let's
[48:34] third date, attachment chemistry. Let's talk about the real things that are
[48:35] talk about the real things that are actually a problem. Here's a challenge
[48:37] actually a problem. Here's a challenge I'm working on resolving right now in
[48:38] I'm working on resolving right now in myself and here's what I'm doing about
[48:40] myself and here's what I'm doing about it and here's how reveal personal
[48:41] it and here's how reveal personal vulnerability
[48:42] vulnerability >> and and challenge them to reveal as
[48:44] >> and and challenge them to reveal as well. We all know there's landmines in
[48:46] well. We all know there's landmines in dating. We all know there's red flags.
[48:47] dating. We all know there's red flags. What are they? Turn your red flags into
[48:50] What are they? Turn your red flags into green flags by being clear that you know
[48:52] green flags by being clear that you know them. You're honest about them and
[48:54] them. You're honest about them and you're working on them and actually
[48:55] you're working on them and actually working on them.
[48:56] working on them. >> Would you recommend the attachment
[48:57] >> Would you recommend the attachment framework say like I'm prone to, you
[48:59] framework say like I'm prone to, you know, anxious attachment. I have been in
[49:02] know, anxious attachment. I have been in the past. It's something I've made a lot
[49:03] the past. It's something I've made a lot of progress on. working on, but this is
[49:05] of progress on. working on, but this is what that has looked like for me. This
[49:06] what that has looked like for me. This is the why. Like even just a
[49:08] is the why. Like even just a >> You absolutely can if the other person's
[49:09] >> You absolutely can if the other person's savvy for that. But even just describing
[49:11] savvy for that. But even just describing what you do and how you're not doing it
[49:13] what you do and how you're not doing it anymore. Even just the behavior
[49:15] anymore. Even just the behavior patterns. Describe the behavior
[49:16] patterns. Describe the behavior patterns. Most people are more
[49:17] patterns. Most people are more comfortable with that. If you say, "Hey,
[49:18] comfortable with that. If you say, "Hey, I'm taking Adam Lane Smith's course. I'm
[49:20] I'm taking Adam Lane Smith's course. I'm in his program. I went to his retreat."
[49:21] in his program. I went to his retreat." Right? Great. Okay. Beautiful. But but
[49:24] Right? Great. Okay. Beautiful. But but behaviors and what you're doing about
[49:26] behaviors and what you're doing about them and challenge the other person to
[49:28] them and challenge the other person to do the same. If they can't be honest,
[49:29] do the same. If they can't be honest, get out. If they're just collapsing into
[49:31] get out. If they're just collapsing into it, get out. If they promise they're
[49:33] it, get out. If they promise they're going to do something about it later,
[49:34] going to do something about it later, get out. And then you have these three
[49:36] get out. And then you have these three dates of rockh hard data that you can
[49:38] dates of rockh hard data that you can keep coming back to for the next six
[49:40] keep coming back to for the next six months. If they deviate from it, you
[49:42] months. If they deviate from it, you told me that, but you're doing this.
[49:43] told me that, but you're doing this. What's going on? You said this, but
[49:44] What's going on? You said this, but you're doing this. You you said this,
[49:46] you're doing this. You you said this, but you're doing this. And you keep
[49:47] but you're doing this. And you keep asking questions forever. That's how you
[49:50] asking questions forever. That's how you start compatibility testing and
[49:51] start compatibility testing and filtering because now you hold them to
[49:52] filtering because now you hold them to their word. And a good person doesn't
[49:54] their word. And a good person doesn't have no breaches. A good person says,
[49:56] have no breaches. A good person says, "You're right. That is off. Thank you.
[49:58] "You're right. That is off. Thank you. I'm going to correct that." And then
[49:59] I'm going to correct that." And then they do. That's how you start really
[50:01] they do. That's how you start really compatibility testing the first six
[50:03] compatibility testing the first six months. Then I have a whole year
[50:05] months. Then I have a whole year protocol, a marriage protocol,
[50:07] protocol, a marriage protocol, everything. But but that's what you do
[50:08] everything. But but that's what you do right there is you begin three date
[50:10] right there is you begin three date testing by being really honest
[50:13] testing by being really honest completely with each other.
[50:14] completely with each other. >> What if it's like orange flags always
[50:17] >> What if it's like orange flags always ask about them?
[50:18] ask about them? >> Okay, then that's date. Just that's date
[50:21] >> Okay, then that's date. Just that's date five. That's date six.
[50:22] five. That's date six. >> There's enough green to keep you in the
[50:24] >> There's enough green to keep you in the dating, but there's like some things
[50:26] dating, but there's like some things you're not sure what this is. You're
[50:27] you're not sure what this is. You're getting to know them. You ask and see
[50:29] getting to know them. You ask and see what they say and make them resolve it.
[50:32] what they say and make them resolve it. >> It's not your job.
[50:33] >> It's not your job. >> It sounds like the way that you see
[50:35] >> It sounds like the way that you see dating is a constant judging process.
[50:38] dating is a constant judging process. >> Discernment.
[50:39] >> Discernment. >> Discernment.
[50:40] >> Discernment. >> Judging is you're a bad person and you
[50:42] >> Judging is you're a bad person and you deserve to be punished for it.
[50:43] deserve to be punished for it. Discernment is maybe you're the right
[50:45] Discernment is maybe you're the right fit for me for this business I'm
[50:46] fit for me for this business I'm building and maybe you're not. Let's
[50:48] building and maybe you're not. Let's talk about that. Maybe I'm the right fit
[50:49] talk about that. Maybe I'm the right fit for you and maybe I'm not. Let's ask
[50:51] for you and maybe I'm not. Let's ask questions. You know, the secret to a
[50:53] questions. You know, the secret to a good marriage is to be very endlessly
[50:54] good marriage is to be very endlessly curious about each other because
[50:56] curious about each other because otherwise you start making assumptions
[50:57] otherwise you start making assumptions about each other and then we do bad
[50:58] about each other and then we do bad things. If we can be curious about each
[51:00] things. If we can be curious about each other and ask questions, we clarify. One
[51:03] other and ask questions, we clarify. One thing I teach women in particular is if
[51:04] thing I teach women in particular is if you've been in a marriage where you're
[51:05] you've been in a marriage where you're always guessing and wondering and
[51:06] always guessing and wondering and afraid, best thing you can do is sit
[51:08] afraid, best thing you can do is sit down, write down all of your questions
[51:09] down, write down all of your questions on a list, set your husband down, have a
[51:11] on a list, set your husband down, have a conversation, feed him, feed, bring him
[51:13] conversation, feed him, feed, bring him a beer, feed him, and then interview him
[51:16] a beer, feed him, and then interview him podcast style and ask him every question
[51:18] podcast style and ask him every question you have so you finally get full clarity
[51:20] you have so you finally get full clarity on everything you've ever wondered. When
[51:21] on everything you've ever wondered. When I have my female clients do this, it is
[51:23] I have my female clients do this, it is such overwhelming relief for them. All
[51:26] such overwhelming relief for them. All of a sudden, they feel safer than
[51:27] of a sudden, they feel safer than they've ever felt. Not just because she
[51:28] they've ever felt. Not just because she got answers, but because he was willing
[51:30] got answers, but because he was willing to give them.
[51:31] to give them. >> Wow. That's a protocol that must be done
[51:33] >> Wow. That's a protocol that must be done in every relationship. But even during
[51:35] in every relationship. But even during >> let him talk, right?
[51:36] >> let him talk, right? >> She let him talk. She actually wanted to
[51:37] >> She let him talk. She actually wanted to learn and he was willing to share.
[51:39] learn and he was willing to share. That's something you could do during
[51:41] That's something you could do during dating.
[51:41] dating. >> We had Allison Armstrong on the show and
[51:43] >> We had Allison Armstrong on the show and she was saying the power of literally
[51:45] she was saying the power of literally like you're describing asking questions,
[51:47] like you're describing asking questions, deep questions.
[51:48] deep questions. >> Yes. and shutting up as the woman
[51:52] >> Yes. and shutting up as the woman because we want to connect and share and
[51:54] because we want to connect and share and you know maybe ask another one and we
[51:55] you know maybe ask another one and we can still ask further further questions
[51:57] can still ask further further questions but let that because men also tend to
[52:00] but let that because men also tend to I've noticed especially the great ones
[52:02] I've noticed especially the great ones like my wonderful husband they're very
[52:04] like my wonderful husband they're very thoughtful they're methodical
[52:05] thoughtful they're methodical >> and they're not necessarily wearing all
[52:07] >> and they're not necessarily wearing all of their thoughts on their sleeves or
[52:09] of their thoughts on their sleeves or you know just letting them no filter
[52:10] you know just letting them no filter come out so you need to give them time
[52:12] come out so you need to give them time and space and pay attention to let them
[52:15] and space and pay attention to let them say their full piece otherwise you can
[52:17] say their full piece otherwise you can whiz white whiz is right past the
[52:19] whiz white whiz is right past the revelation or the wisdom or the
[52:21] revelation or the wisdom or the connection because you're and this is
[52:23] connection because you're and this is also personality or temperament styles
[52:24] also personality or temperament styles too. So it could be the woman is like
[52:26] too. So it could be the woman is like this and the man's different. But that's
[52:28] this and the man's different. But that's where just listening, the skill of
[52:30] where just listening, the skill of listening is so key.
[52:31] listening is so key. >> If there's one thing I could tell women
[52:32] >> If there's one thing I could tell women right now that I wish they understood
[52:35] right now that I wish they understood about men. It's how accommodating and
[52:39] about men. It's how accommodating and gentle men are toward women every day in
[52:42] gentle men are toward women every day in ways that women have no clue about. and
[52:44] ways that women have no clue about. and he is over gentle and over accommodating
[52:47] he is over gentle and over accommodating and sacrificing himself and shutting up
[52:49] and sacrificing himself and shutting up just because you opened your mouth for a
[52:51] just because you opened your mouth for a moment, he will stop everything he was
[52:53] moment, he will stop everything he was going to say. So if you make it look
[52:56] going to say. So if you make it look like he needs to accommodate you. If you
[52:58] like he needs to accommodate you. If you make it look like you're sad or you're
[53:00] make it look like you're sad or you're upset or you're nervous or or you want
[53:02] upset or you're nervous or or you want to talk, he will shut down everything
[53:04] to talk, he will shut down everything he's doing and feeling to try to help
[53:07] he's doing and feeling to try to help you. That's what good men try to do. And
[53:09] you. That's what good men try to do. And I know our society claims the opposite
[53:11] I know our society claims the opposite about men. We see this this this desire
[53:14] about men. We see this this this desire to protect and help is so deep that when
[53:16] to protect and help is so deep that when we have co-ed military units. The
[53:19] we have co-ed military units. The research now is showing that co-ed
[53:20] research now is showing that co-ed military units don't do well because
[53:22] military units don't do well because women have a higher rate of getting
[53:24] women have a higher rate of getting injured and once they do, men then have
[53:27] injured and once they do, men then have a higher rate of getting injured because
[53:28] a higher rate of getting injured because they are all desperately trying to
[53:30] they are all desperately trying to rescue her in ways they don't do for
[53:32] rescue her in ways they don't do for other men. So co-ed units are leading to
[53:36] other men. So co-ed units are leading to increased injuries for women and men
[53:38] increased injuries for women and men both. [laughter]
[53:39] both. [laughter] But this is true on the dayto-day. Most
[53:42] But this is true on the dayto-day. Most men
[53:42] men >> I'm not I'm not a fan of women in in
[53:44] >> I'm not I'm not a fan of women in in combat.
[53:45] combat. >> I hear you typically. I hear you. And
[53:47] >> I hear you typically. I hear you. And and and
[53:49] and and I wish women understood on dates when
[53:52] I wish women understood on dates when men aren't talking and they're not
[53:53] men aren't talking and they're not sharing. It's because he doesn't want to
[53:54] sharing. It's because he doesn't want to scare you. He doesn't want to drive you
[53:56] scare you. He doesn't want to drive you away. He's you're talking so he's trying
[53:59] away. He's you're talking so he's trying to give you space to do it. He's
[54:01] to give you space to do it. He's actually trying to make you happy. He's
[54:03] actually trying to make you happy. He's trying to figure out what you want so
[54:05] trying to figure out what you want so that you'll see that he's a loving
[54:06] that you'll see that he's a loving husband who wants to be with you. Most
[54:08] husband who wants to be with you. Most men are just frozen solid because they
[54:10] men are just frozen solid because they have no idea what you want. So, if you
[54:12] have no idea what you want. So, if you can tell them what you want and then
[54:14] can tell them what you want and then step back and breathe and let them do
[54:16] step back and breathe and let them do what they're going to do, direct them
[54:18] what they're going to do, direct them just a little more and then let him go.
[54:21] just a little more and then let him go. All of a sudden, he will stop walking
[54:23] All of a sudden, he will stop walking around as if you're made of glass and
[54:24] around as if you're made of glass and he'll start working with you. That
[54:26] he'll start working with you. That 3minut talk I gave earlier about the
[54:28] 3minut talk I gave earlier about the husband coming home and saying,
[54:29] husband coming home and saying, "Remember what I said at the beginning?
[54:30] "Remember what I said at the beginning? I care about you and I love you and I
[54:32] I care about you and I love you and I want you to be okay, but I can't come
[54:34] want you to be okay, but I can't come straight home and start solving you
[54:37] straight home and start solving you because that means I can never turn off.
[54:40] because that means I can never turn off. So, I need some time to breathe. I need
[54:43] So, I need some time to breathe. I need scheduled structure. I need you to give
[54:45] scheduled structure. I need you to give me red flags or green flags. Tell me if
[54:47] me red flags or green flags. Tell me if there's a problem. Let's solve it. And
[54:48] there's a problem. Let's solve it. And then I need to be off because I can't if
[54:51] then I need to be off because I can't if you're not okay, I can't be okay. That's
[54:54] you're not okay, I can't be okay. That's what most men are doing is they're
[54:56] what most men are doing is they're solving problems for their wife
[54:57] solving problems for their wife endlessly at home or trying to and he
[55:00] endlessly at home or trying to and he can never turn off and rest with you and
[55:02] can never turn off and rest with you and then she's upset because she doesn't get
[55:03] then she's upset because she doesn't get his presence. That's the problem.
[55:06] his presence. That's the problem. >> The core goal is win-win.
[55:07] >> The core goal is win-win. >> The core goal is win-win. Absolutely.
[55:09] >> The core goal is win-win. Absolutely. It's not so that women shut up. That's
[55:11] It's not so that women shut up. That's not the goal. I love
[55:12] not the goal. I love >> it's not to have the woman just
[55:13] >> it's not to have the woman just endlessly sacrifice when he comes home
[55:14] endlessly sacrifice when he comes home and you're just let do whatever he needs
[55:16] and you're just let do whatever he needs cuz he needs to decompress. It's for the
[55:18] cuz he needs to decompress. It's for the sake of both of you and the relationship
[55:20] sake of both of you and the relationship which has to have the win-win in it.
[55:22] which has to have the win-win in it. >> Correct. They need structured time where
[55:23] >> Correct. They need structured time where she brings problems to him. When I when
[55:25] she brings problems to him. When I when I check out from my work at the end of
[55:27] I check out from my work at the end of the day and I'm helping people with
[55:28] the day and I'm helping people with relationships all day long, saving
[55:30] relationships all day long, saving marriages or whatever it may be. And I
[55:32] marriages or whatever it may be. And I come out, the first thing my wife
[55:34] come out, the first thing my wife doesn't do is say, "Adam, I need to talk
[55:35] doesn't do is say, "Adam, I need to talk to you about all my feelings for the
[55:37] to you about all my feelings for the day." That that would be death. I I I
[55:39] day." That that would be death. I I I can't do that. She says, "How are you
[55:41] can't do that. She says, "How are you doing?" And I say, "Great. Are there any
[55:42] doing?" And I say, "Great. Are there any immediate red flags?" She says, "No,
[55:44] immediate red flags?" She says, "No, we're good right now." I say, "Okay, can
[55:46] we're good right now." I say, "Okay, can I can I take 15 20 minutes to breathe?"
[55:48] I can I take 15 20 minutes to breathe?" Absolutely. We cool down. We eat as a
[55:50] Absolutely. We cool down. We eat as a family. We relax. Later that night, I
[55:52] family. We relax. Later that night, I sit down with her in structured time and
[55:54] sit down with her in structured time and say, "Okay, how are you doing? What do
[55:55] say, "Okay, how are you doing? What do you need from me? How are you doing
[55:57] you need from me? How are you doing today? What was your day like?" And I
[55:58] today? What was your day like?" And I listen and I talk and she unloads. And
[56:01] listen and I talk and she unloads. And then that also ends. And then we have
[56:02] then that also ends. And then we have fun time where we relax and immerse.
[56:05] fun time where we relax and immerse. She's got what she's needed. Now we can
[56:06] She's got what she's needed. Now we can actually rest as a couple. It's very
[56:08] actually rest as a couple. It's very structured for us. We've had to carve up
[56:10] structured for us. We've had to carve up that time so that my brain isn't
[56:12] that time so that my brain isn't constantly trying to solve her problems
[56:14] constantly trying to solve her problems and her brain isn't trying to just shove
[56:16] and her brain isn't trying to just shove everything down and martyr herself
[56:18] everything down and martyr herself without feeling loved. We have to do
[56:20] without feeling loved. We have to do both. Men and women need to win
[56:21] both. Men and women need to win together. We can't lose and we can't we
[56:23] together. We can't lose and we can't we can't make oursel lose. Then everybody
[56:25] can't make oursel lose. Then everybody loses.
[56:26] loses. >> I think the operating principle of like
[56:28] >> I think the operating principle of like the win-win there. I think a lot of
[56:30] the win-win there. I think a lot of people don't have a framework for
[56:32] people don't have a framework for win-win,
[56:33] win-win, >> right? That's they didn't grow up with
[56:35] >> right? That's they didn't grow up with win-win.
[56:35] win-win. >> No, that that's secure attachment. I
[56:37] >> No, that that's secure attachment. I have a retreat coming up. And at that
[56:38] have a retreat coming up. And at that retreat, what I'm going to be teaching
[56:39] retreat, what I'm going to be teaching my people is this. Your relationship is
[56:42] my people is this. Your relationship is supposed to be a third party entity that
[56:43] supposed to be a third party entity that exists between you. I think I talked
[56:45] exists between you. I think I talked about this briefly last time I was here
[56:46] about this briefly last time I was here on this podcast, but your marriage is is
[56:48] on this podcast, but your marriage is is a business. But that means that as you
[56:50] a business. But that means that as you both give to each other, it feeds you
[56:52] both give to each other, it feeds you and cares for you as well. So if you're
[56:54] and cares for you as well. So if you're martyring yourself, it's actually
[56:56] martyring yourself, it's actually starving and killing the relationship
[56:58] starving and killing the relationship too. So everyone begins to lose.
[57:01] too. So everyone begins to lose. Relationships [snorts]
[57:01] Relationships [snorts] are meant not meant to be the feelings
[57:03] are meant not meant to be the feelings we share between each other. So you have
[57:04] we share between each other. So you have to panic when the feelings are not good.
[57:06] to panic when the feelings are not good. It's this thing we're crafting. It
[57:07] It's this thing we're crafting. It should feed you. Does that make sense so
[57:09] should feed you. Does that make sense so far?
[57:09] far? >> It does. I I was going to ask and this
[57:11] >> It does. I I was going to ask and this is a good moment for it. This marriage
[57:13] is a good moment for it. This marriage is a business and you know this third
[57:15] is a business and you know this third entity of the marriage, the
[57:16] entity of the marriage, the relationship, it's not just feelings.
[57:17] relationship, it's not just feelings. feelings are in part of the parcel, but
[57:19] feelings are in part of the parcel, but it's about the win-win
[57:20] it's about the win-win >> in the holistic sense for the two people
[57:23] >> in the holistic sense for the two people and for what they're building together
[57:24] and for what they're building together and serving their kids, their family,
[57:25] and serving their kids, their family, and God, and everything else.
[57:27] and God, and everything else. >> But in the Christian view, marriage is a
[57:30] >> But in the Christian view, marriage is a sacrament.
[57:31] sacrament. >> It's at least a covenant, depending on
[57:33] >> It's at least a covenant, depending on your persuasion of Christianity. I
[57:35] your persuasion of Christianity. I believe it's a sacrament,
[57:36] believe it's a sacrament, >> which is an actual sign of God's love
[57:38] >> which is an actual sign of God's love living manifest here in the life of the
[57:41] living manifest here in the life of the Trinity. He made it. But there's a lot
[57:44] Trinity. He made it. But there's a lot of language about the man laying down
[57:47] of language about the man laying down his life for the wife and willing to die
[57:49] his life for the wife and willing to die to himself, the woman submitting to her
[57:51] to himself, the woman submitting to her husband. This idea of sacrifice involved
[57:53] husband. This idea of sacrifice involved in a marriage. And I've heard, you know,
[57:56] in a marriage. And I've heard, you know, good priests say when you walk up to the
[57:58] good priests say when you walk up to the altar to get married, it's like you're
[57:59] altar to get married, it's like you're physically about to get onto this cross
[58:00] physically about to get onto this cross and like you because marriage is a
[58:02] and like you because marriage is a sacrament, it's supposed to kind of like
[58:03] sacrament, it's supposed to kind of like be like Jesus's death. And you're
[58:05] be like Jesus's death. And you're getting nails slammed into your hands by
[58:07] getting nails slammed into your hands by each other. And that's what it's not
[58:09] each other. And that's what it's not about making you happy. It's about
[58:10] about making you happy. It's about making you holy. And it's like you're
[58:12] making you holy. And it's like you're going to be crucified basically in
[58:14] going to be crucified basically in marriage. So when it's tough, that's it.
[58:15] marriage. So when it's tough, that's it. Stick it out. That's what Christians do.
[58:17] Stick it out. That's what Christians do. >> Yeah. I have a lot of clients come in
[58:19] >> Yeah. I have a lot of clients come in and they are miserable because they
[58:21] and they are miserable because they follow that doctrine and they're both
[58:22] follow that doctrine and they're both wretchedly unhappy. They hate themselves
[58:24] wretchedly unhappy. They hate themselves and they hate each other and they can't
[58:25] and they hate each other and they can't make it work. That's not good theology.
[58:29] make it work. That's not good theology. Unfortunately,
[58:30] Unfortunately, >> martyr marriage is not good theology.
[58:31] >> martyr marriage is not good theology. >> It it cannot be. There there's certainly
[58:33] >> It it cannot be. There there's certainly situations where you may have to
[58:35] situations where you may have to sacrifice in a way that's painful or
[58:36] sacrifice in a way that's painful or unhappy for you. There there's times,
[58:39] unhappy for you. There there's times, right? your husband becomes crippled and
[58:41] right? your husband becomes crippled and and can't move below the neck and now
[58:43] and can't move below the neck and now it's a martyrdom situation where you you
[58:45] it's a martyrdom situation where you you choose to care for him. Those are those
[58:47] choose to care for him. Those are those are times but remember that
[58:52] remember the two become one.
[58:55] remember the two become one. If you are starving and destroying
[58:58] If you are starving and destroying yourself, you are starving and
[58:59] yourself, you are starving and destroying half of your spouse.
[59:01] destroying half of your spouse. >> Wow.
[59:02] >> Wow. Jesus doesn't just grind himself into
[59:06] Jesus doesn't just grind himself into the dirt for all three years of his
[59:08] the dirt for all three years of his ministry. It culminates in a cross and
[59:12] ministry. It culminates in a cross and then a resurrection
[59:13] then a resurrection >> and then he shows up with his friends.
[59:15] >> and then he shows up with his friends. Then he then he says, what does he say?
[59:16] Then he then he says, what does he say? Give me something to eat,
[59:18] Give me something to eat, >> right? And he's hanging out with his
[59:20] >> right? And he's hanging out with his bros and his friends and and Mary
[59:22] bros and his friends and and Mary Magdalene and everybody there. He's
[59:23] Magdalene and everybody there. He's hanging out with them. And then he flies
[59:24] hanging out with them. And then he flies up into heaven. He's like, "Hey, I'm
[59:26] up into heaven. He's like, "Hey, I'm going on ahead. I got things to do. It's
[59:28] going on ahead. I got things to do. It's going to be cool." He doesn't say, "Be
[59:31] going to be cool." He doesn't say, "Be wretchedly unhappy forever and hate your
[59:34] wretchedly unhappy forever and hate your life, and the more miserable you are,
[59:35] life, and the more miserable you are, the more you love me, and the more angry
[59:38] the more you love me, and the more angry you are and sad, the happier I am."
[59:41] you are and sad, the happier I am." That's not what he says. Be joyful,
[59:44] That's not what he says. Be joyful, rejoice, be gracious, love each other.
[59:48] rejoice, be gracious, love each other. Right? If I'm in a marriage, I don't
[59:50] Right? If I'm in a marriage, I don't want my wife broken, miserable, and
[59:52] want my wife broken, miserable, and devastated day after day after day.
[59:54] devastated day after day after day. Number one, because then she can't give
[59:56] Number one, because then she can't give to our children. What's that doing to
[59:57] to our children. What's that doing to our children and our grandchildren?
[59:59] our children and our grandchildren? What's that doing to my spirit and her
[01:00:01] What's that doing to my spirit and her spirit? She shouldn't want that of me
[01:00:03] spirit? She shouldn't want that of me either. This this myth that we have to
[01:00:05] either. This this myth that we have to endlessly martyr ourselves is wrong. If
[01:00:08] endlessly martyr ourselves is wrong. If we are unevenly yolked, yes, that's a
[01:00:11] we are unevenly yolked, yes, that's a problem. But we're also taught not to do
[01:00:13] problem. But we're also taught not to do that, right?
[01:00:16] that, right? Christians together cannot enjoy the
[01:00:20] Christians together cannot enjoy the suffering of another. We cannot. That's
[01:00:23] suffering of another. We cannot. That's forbidden to us. We actually have to
[01:00:25] forbidden to us. We actually have to make sure they're not suffering. Die to
[01:00:27] make sure they're not suffering. Die to self is a command to give away our extra
[01:00:31] self is a command to give away our extra ego. But God does not want us to
[01:00:34] ego. But God does not want us to collapse our identity into him and be
[01:00:37] collapse our identity into him and be mush at his feet without a thought or a
[01:00:39] mush at his feet without a thought or a conscious will. That would be slavery.
[01:00:42] conscious will. That would be slavery. He calls on us to have love. He gives us
[01:00:45] He calls on us to have love. He gives us free will so that we can choose to give
[01:00:47] free will so that we can choose to give it back to him. But then he doesn't take
[01:00:48] it back to him. But then he doesn't take it away and make us mindless automatons.
[01:00:51] it away and make us mindless automatons. That's also not the process. I cannot
[01:00:54] That's also not the process. I cannot live and rest knowing that my wife is
[01:00:56] live and rest knowing that my wife is miserable. She cannot live and rest
[01:00:58] miserable. She cannot live and rest knowing if I'm miserable. We have to
[01:01:00] knowing if I'm miserable. We have to care for each other. And again, it must
[01:01:02] care for each other. And again, it must be win-win because
[01:01:04] be win-win because otherwise we're doing it wrong. Marriage
[01:01:06] otherwise we're doing it wrong. Marriage is joyful.
[01:01:08] is joyful. >> That's so powerful. The, you know,
[01:01:10] >> That's so powerful. The, you know, reminding people you are one in a
[01:01:12] reminding people you are one in a marriage. So if you are on the cross
[01:01:14] marriage. So if you are on the cross getting crucified, they are too. Even if
[01:01:17] getting crucified, they are too. Even if you're doing it for them, it ultimately
[01:01:19] you're doing it for them, it ultimately is going to be that to them as well. And
[01:01:23] is going to be that to them as well. And so that's why to love them, you do have
[01:01:26] so that's why to love them, you do have to care for your own soul, your own body
[01:01:29] to care for your own soul, your own body as a as an expression of love for them
[01:01:31] as a as an expression of love for them and your oneness and for your kids and
[01:01:33] and your oneness and for your kids and everything else. And as importantly as
[01:01:36] everything else. And as importantly as you would care for your own body and you
[01:01:37] you would care for your own body and you want them to care for theirs and you
[01:01:38] want them to care for theirs and you help each other, you care for the
[01:01:40] help each other, you care for the relationship.
[01:01:41] relationship. >> Let's put this another way. The only
[01:01:42] >> Let's put this another way. The only time martyrdom is appropriate is when
[01:01:44] time martyrdom is appropriate is when God directly commands you to be a
[01:01:47] God directly commands you to be a martyr.
[01:01:49] martyr. If you are martyring yourself because
[01:01:51] If you are martyring yourself because you think it makes you good, that is
[01:01:53] you think it makes you good, that is self-righteous martyrdom, which is a
[01:01:55] self-righteous martyrdom, which is a sin. If you are martyring yourself
[01:01:58] sin. If you are martyring yourself because you are in a broken system and
[01:02:00] because you are in a broken system and don't know what else to do, but there's
[01:02:01] don't know what else to do, but there's options available to you. You're not
[01:02:03] options available to you. You're not sinning, but you are still you're
[01:02:06] sinning, but you are still you're ignorant. And that's actually the work
[01:02:07] ignorant. And that's actually the work of the devil at that point.
[01:02:09] of the devil at that point. >> Most people today, Adam,
[01:02:10] >> Most people today, Adam, >> most marriages are run by the devil and
[01:02:12] >> most marriages are run by the devil and not by God. Wow.
[01:02:13] not by God. Wow. >> Christian marriages are run by the devil
[01:02:15] >> Christian marriages are run by the devil and not by God because they think they
[01:02:18] and not by God because they think they have to be miserable to stay married.
[01:02:20] have to be miserable to stay married. They think that we have to lose. They
[01:02:22] They think that we have to lose. They think marriage is miserable and unhappy.
[01:02:24] think marriage is miserable and unhappy. The devil is just as active as God is.
[01:02:27] The devil is just as active as God is. We have to remember that. We like to
[01:02:29] We have to remember that. We like to forget that. We like to not talk about
[01:02:30] forget that. We like to not talk about it. But the devil is very, very active.
[01:02:34] it. But the devil is very, very active. I think that's such an important
[01:02:35] I think that's such an important distinction because if your spouse
[01:02:37] distinction because if your spouse objectively, you know, is paralyzed
[01:02:39] objectively, you know, is paralyzed below the waist or whatever, some
[01:02:42] below the waist or whatever, some horrible accident you care for them,
[01:02:43] horrible accident you care for them, there's a form of martyrdom there. It's
[01:02:45] there's a form of martyrdom there. It's a significant thing to go out of your
[01:02:47] a significant thing to go out of your way and care for this one and, you know,
[01:02:49] way and care for this one and, you know, be everything that they need you to be.
[01:02:52] be everything that they need you to be. Or if, god forbid, you're in a marriage
[01:02:54] Or if, god forbid, you're in a marriage and the spouse is just hellbent on
[01:02:57] and the spouse is just hellbent on destruction. And I think this is another
[01:02:59] destruction. And I think this is another area I just want to get into for a
[01:03:01] area I just want to get into for a moment because it's also I think
[01:03:03] moment because it's also I think confusing for Christians especially and
[01:03:05] confusing for Christians especially and I think it's important if you're dating
[01:03:06] I think it's important if you're dating and preparing to know what you're
[01:03:08] and preparing to know what you're getting into cuz you see signs in dating
[01:03:10] getting into cuz you see signs in dating as well in a situation where you go into
[01:03:14] as well in a situation where you go into the marriage it seems to be valid.
[01:03:17] the marriage it seems to be valid. >> So you maybe you knew there was a porn
[01:03:19] >> So you maybe you knew there was a porn addiction at some point or you knew
[01:03:20] addiction at some point or you knew there was sexual compulsions at some
[01:03:22] there was sexual compulsions at some point or you knew they had attachment
[01:03:24] point or you knew they had attachment issues. You knew they had a prone to
[01:03:26] issues. You knew they had a prone to this addiction or they had issues. You
[01:03:28] this addiction or they had issues. You have issues. Whatever. You both know
[01:03:29] have issues. Whatever. You both know your issues. You're working on them to
[01:03:31] your issues. You're working on them to some degree. You get married.
[01:03:33] some degree. You get married. >> It blows up.
[01:03:34] >> It blows up. >> Yeah.
[01:03:35] >> Yeah. >> They act out.
[01:03:36] >> They act out. >> Yes.
[01:03:36] >> Yes. >> There's infidelity.
[01:03:37] >> There's infidelity. >> Yes.
[01:03:38] >> Yes. >> There's chronic deception.
[01:03:39] >> There's chronic deception. >> Yes.
[01:03:40] >> Yes. >> There's some other problem. There's
[01:03:42] >> There's some other problem. There's abusive behavior. Maybe they're not like
[01:03:44] abusive behavior. Maybe they're not like banging you over the head, but they're
[01:03:46] banging you over the head, but they're certainly highly emotionally neglectful
[01:03:48] certainly highly emotionally neglectful or abusive. You feel it is abusive to
[01:03:51] or abusive. You feel it is abusive to you. That's always kind of a question.
[01:03:52] you. That's always kind of a question. Is it abuse? Is it not? that a martyrdom
[01:03:55] Is it abuse? Is it not? that a martyrdom situation where you're like, "Well, I'm
[01:03:56] situation where you're like, "Well, I'm going to stay in the marriage and try to
[01:03:57] going to stay in the marriage and try to make it work or I'm going to remove
[01:03:59] make it work or I'm going to remove myself from the situation, but not
[01:04:00] myself from the situation, but not remarry because I I think marriage is
[01:04:02] remarry because I I think marriage is for life, but I'm not going to at least
[01:04:03] for life, but I'm not going to at least live with the guy." What do you
[01:04:05] live with the guy." What do you recommend?
[01:04:06] recommend? >> We could do a whole podcast on that, but
[01:04:07] >> We could do a whole podcast on that, but I want to just get your capsule for
[01:04:09] I want to just get your capsule for that.
[01:04:09] that. >> Two authority sources I go back to. One
[01:04:11] >> Two authority sources I go back to. One is attachment science, the bonding
[01:04:13] is attachment science, the bonding hormones, the behavioral patterns, the
[01:04:15] hormones, the behavioral patterns, the brain pathways, all of those pieces.
[01:04:17] brain pathways, all of those pieces. Number one is science, the way that God
[01:04:18] Number one is science, the way that God has structured our world and how we
[01:04:20] has structured our world and how we measure how he has structured it. And I
[01:04:22] measure how he has structured it. And I go back to our Lord Jesus Christ and his
[01:04:24] go back to our Lord Jesus Christ and his model and how he conducted himself. Both
[01:04:27] model and how he conducted himself. Both of those tell me this. Sacrifice is
[01:04:30] of those tell me this. Sacrifice is doing for somebody what they cannot do
[01:04:32] doing for somebody what they cannot do for themsel. Christ sacrificed himself
[01:04:35] for themsel. Christ sacrificed himself for people that could not do for
[01:04:38] for people that could not do for himself. He gave his life on the cross
[01:04:40] himself. He gave his life on the cross to do something no one else could do.
[01:04:44] to do something no one else could do. When someone could do, he ordered them
[01:04:48] When someone could do, he ordered them to do it and gave them no quarter. go
[01:04:51] to do it and gave them no quarter. go and sin no more.
[01:04:54] and sin no more. He didn't say, "Cool, I got you. Just
[01:04:55] He didn't say, "Cool, I got you. Just keep going."
[01:04:59] If we sacrifice oursel for somebody
[01:05:02] If we sacrifice oursel for somebody else's comfort with something they
[01:05:05] else's comfort with something they should be doing, we are complicit in
[01:05:07] should be doing, we are complicit in their sin.
[01:05:08] their sin. >> Wow, that's good.
[01:05:10] >> Wow, that's good. >> But the worst, here's a problem. The
[01:05:12] >> But the worst, here's a problem. The worst lie we tell to married women who
[01:05:14] worst lie we tell to married women who are trying to do right is that if you
[01:05:16] are trying to do right is that if you are kinder to your husband, he will
[01:05:19] are kinder to your husband, he will change. You have to be stern with your
[01:05:22] change. You have to be stern with your husband. I don't say mean. Women have
[01:05:25] husband. I don't say mean. Women have two modes. Kind and mean.
[01:05:28] two modes. Kind and mean. Stern. You are his executive partner and
[01:05:31] Stern. You are his executive partner and his co-founder. You are a feminine
[01:05:33] his co-founder. You are a feminine leader. You are his right-hand side. You
[01:05:36] leader. You are his right-hand side. You are his rib and closest to his heart.
[01:05:38] are his rib and closest to his heart. You are there to call him fat when he is
[01:05:41] You are there to call him fat when he is fat and mean when he is mean. That is
[01:05:44] fat and mean when he is mean. That is your job because you have to guard him.
[01:05:47] your job because you have to guard him. You are his guardian. You're the
[01:05:49] You are his guardian. You're the guardian of his soul and his spirit, and
[01:05:51] guardian of his soul and his spirit, and no one on this planet knows him like you
[01:05:52] no one on this planet knows him like you do. And if you are too kind to him, he
[01:05:55] do. And if you are too kind to him, he will mistakenly believe he's doing
[01:05:56] will mistakenly believe he's doing everything right. If you're mean to him,
[01:05:59] everything right. If you're mean to him, he will assume that you just don't like
[01:06:00] he will assume that you just don't like him. If you are stern and you have
[01:06:04] him. If you are stern and you have consequences,
[01:06:05] consequences, he must listen to you. It is not a
[01:06:08] he must listen to you. It is not a woman's job to be nice to her husband.
[01:06:10] woman's job to be nice to her husband. And I say that knowing my wife is
[01:06:11] And I say that knowing my wife is listening to this podcast. She's very
[01:06:13] listening to this podcast. She's very kind, but it's not her job to be nice to
[01:06:15] kind, but it's not her job to be nice to me. I would hate that. explain what that
[01:06:18] me. I would hate that. explain what that looks like. And I know we're getting
[01:06:20] looks like. And I know we're getting into the 12 consequences here, which is
[01:06:22] into the 12 consequences here, which is perfect.
[01:06:22] perfect. >> Yeah.
[01:06:23] >> Yeah. >> But walk me through this. So, we I just
[01:06:26] >> But walk me through this. So, we I just kind of laid out an image of, you know,
[01:06:27] kind of laid out an image of, you know, all the worst things that could happen.
[01:06:29] all the worst things that could happen. I think the tools you're about to
[01:06:30] I think the tools you're about to provide us here can be used in any
[01:06:32] provide us here can be used in any scenario, quite frankly.
[01:06:33] scenario, quite frankly. >> Absolutely.
[01:06:34] >> Absolutely. >> Um, and this is very important intel for
[01:06:37] >> Um, and this is very important intel for those who are preparing for marriage. So
[01:06:40] those who are preparing for marriage. So what is how does a woman handle
[01:06:44] what is how does a woman handle sternness while still being the safe
[01:06:46] sternness while still being the safe soft landing place
[01:06:49] soft landing place in a situation where it is a red red
[01:06:51] in a situation where it is a red red alert situation. So now the man and and
[01:06:54] alert situation. So now the man and and there's different degrees, right?
[01:06:55] there's different degrees, right? There's the severe degree of like abuse
[01:06:57] There's the severe degree of like abuse or there's betrayal and then there's the
[01:06:59] or there's betrayal and then there's the kind of more softer space of like he's
[01:07:01] kind of more softer space of like he's just not living up to potential. He's
[01:07:04] just not living up to potential. He's stuck in a bad routine. He's in a rut.
[01:07:05] stuck in a bad routine. He's in a rut. >> Yep. So there has to be a degree of
[01:07:07] >> Yep. So there has to be a degree of safety for women to perform their job.
[01:07:10] safety for women to perform their job. Women cannot do their job without safety
[01:07:12] Women cannot do their job without safety of some kind. If the man is not
[01:07:14] of some kind. If the man is not providing safety but not removing
[01:07:15] providing safety but not removing safety, then you need to build safety in
[01:07:18] safety, then you need to build safety in yourself and with your family and
[01:07:19] yourself and with your family and community and then use that so you can
[01:07:21] community and then use that so you can push on him or you need to make him
[01:07:23] push on him or you need to make him build safety. That's actually one of the
[01:07:24] build safety. That's actually one of the first things he should be doing. If he
[01:07:26] first things he should be doing. If he is removing safety through hurt, harm,
[01:07:28] is removing safety through hurt, harm, abuse, things like this, you need to
[01:07:30] abuse, things like this, you need to find safety and structure maybe by
[01:07:32] find safety and structure maybe by getting away from him. I'm not an
[01:07:33] getting away from him. I'm not an advocate for divorce, but for separation
[01:07:35] advocate for divorce, but for separation sometimes as a consequence for showing
[01:07:37] sometimes as a consequence for showing him that your love, your love is
[01:07:39] him that your love, your love is unconditional, but your time, attention,
[01:07:42] unconditional, but your time, attention, and proximity are not. And that he needs
[01:07:45] and proximity are not. And that he needs to be conducting himself appropriately
[01:07:47] to be conducting himself appropriately between him and God.
[01:07:49] between him and God. >> What's the threshold for removal from
[01:07:51] >> What's the threshold for removal from the home? Not divorce.
[01:07:52] the home? Not divorce. >> That's the last one. That is number 12
[01:07:54] >> That's the last one. That is number 12 out of 12.
[01:07:54] out of 12. >> Okay. So, we're going to get through the
[01:07:56] >> Okay. So, we're going to get through the consequence steps for that.
[01:07:57] consequence steps for that. >> We'll probably go through a couple of
[01:07:58] >> We'll probably go through a couple of them, but but there's too many. There's
[01:08:00] them, but but there's too many. There's there's a lot there's a lot of nuance,
[01:08:01] there's a lot there's a lot of nuance, but ultimately it's this. Ultimately,
[01:08:03] but ultimately it's this. Ultimately, it's this. Your time, your attention,
[01:08:05] it's this. Your time, your attention, your affection, and your warmth. Those
[01:08:07] your affection, and your warmth. Those are not love. Your love for your husband
[01:08:09] are not love. Your love for your husband is is unconditional regard for his
[01:08:11] is is unconditional regard for his wellbeing and doing what's truly right
[01:08:12] wellbeing and doing what's truly right for him. Which means not sacrificing
[01:08:14] for him. Which means not sacrificing yourself in a way that keeps him in his
[01:08:16] yourself in a way that keeps him in his sin. If you just nice him into hell, he
[01:08:19] sin. If you just nice him into hell, he will not thank you.
[01:08:22] will not thank you. What you need to do is start telling him
[01:08:24] What you need to do is start telling him at every opportunity. Not nagging and
[01:08:26] at every opportunity. Not nagging and not angry, but I know what you're doing
[01:08:28] not angry, but I know what you're doing and it's very inappropriate.
[01:08:31] and it's very inappropriate. I'm really sorry you made this choice
[01:08:32] I'm really sorry you made this choice today. I have to be honest with you. I
[01:08:35] today. I have to be honest with you. I am losing respect for you.
[01:08:37] am losing respect for you. >> This is more in terms of betrayal, like
[01:08:39] >> This is more in terms of betrayal, like sexual betrayal we're talking.
[01:08:40] sexual betrayal we're talking. >> He's looking at porn.
[01:08:41] >> He's looking at porn. >> Yeah,
[01:08:41] >> Yeah, >> he's looking at porn. Sweetheart, I have
[01:08:43] >> he's looking at porn. Sweetheart, I have to be honest with you. What you're doing
[01:08:45] to be honest with you. What you're doing is making me lose respect for you as a
[01:08:47] is making me lose respect for you as a man. And I say that cuz I have a lot of
[01:08:49] man. And I say that cuz I have a lot of respect for you. and this is going to
[01:08:51] respect for you. and this is going to hurt both of us. If you keep choosing
[01:08:53] hurt both of us. If you keep choosing this, I can't stop you. But I I don't
[01:08:57] this, I can't stop you. But I I don't think I can see you the same. And then
[01:09:00] think I can see you the same. And then you walk away. It's not a conversation.
[01:09:02] you walk away. It's not a conversation. It's a statement. And you do this every
[01:09:05] It's a statement. And you do this every day if necessary. And you keep it up.
[01:09:08] day if necessary. And you keep it up. You don't sweep it under the rug. You
[01:09:10] You don't sweep it under the rug. You don't be nice. You don't try to be
[01:09:11] don't be nice. You don't try to be encouraging and friendly. You don't try
[01:09:13] encouraging and friendly. You don't try to compete at all.
[01:09:14] to compete at all. >> No. Polite.
[01:09:15] >> No. Polite. >> You're polite.
[01:09:16] >> You're polite. >> Polite.
[01:09:18] >> Polite. But what does what does the Bible say
[01:09:20] But what does what does the Bible say about people who are in their sin?
[01:09:22] about people who are in their sin? Encourage them. Keep letting them do it.
[01:09:25] Encourage them. Keep letting them do it. Cheer them on. Pretend it's not
[01:09:26] Cheer them on. Pretend it's not happening. What did St. Paul say?
[01:09:30] happening. What did St. Paul say? He told us to judge each other. He
[01:09:32] He told us to judge each other. He actually said, "Judge each other." He
[01:09:33] actually said, "Judge each other." He said, "Don't judge people outside." He
[01:09:36] said, "Don't judge people outside." He commanded us, "Judge each other inside
[01:09:38] commanded us, "Judge each other inside the church." It's harsh words, but we
[01:09:42] the church." It's harsh words, but we have to.
[01:09:42] have to. >> Now, quick question. And it's I'm sure
[01:09:44] >> Now, quick question. And it's I'm sure somebody's thinking this question,
[01:09:46] somebody's thinking this question, especially if they're familiar with
[01:09:47] especially if they're familiar with someone in this situation or they
[01:09:49] someone in this situation or they themselves have been in it.
[01:09:51] themselves have been in it. >> Um, if you're married, do you withhold
[01:09:54] >> Um, if you're married, do you withhold sex as the woman if the man is actively
[01:09:58] sex as the woman if the man is actively involved in an affair or born?
[01:10:00] involved in an affair or born? >> Sex is the ultimate culmination of
[01:10:02] >> Sex is the ultimate culmination of intimacy. So, I am not a fan and women
[01:10:05] intimacy. So, I am not a fan and women cannot and must not weaponize sex. It's
[01:10:09] cannot and must not weaponize sex. It's not a reward to be given.
[01:10:12] not a reward to be given. But it is the gauge of trust and
[01:10:15] But it is the gauge of trust and intimacy.
[01:10:18] intimacy. So she needs to be honest with herself.
[01:10:19] So she needs to be honest with herself. If she doesn't feel safe enough to
[01:10:21] If she doesn't feel safe enough to connect with him, if she doesn't respect
[01:10:23] connect with him, if she doesn't respect him,
[01:10:25] him, then she needs to be blunt with him
[01:10:26] then she needs to be blunt with him about that.
[01:10:28] about that. >> I think a lot of men would say, "Well,
[01:10:30] >> I think a lot of men would say, "Well, you're weaponizing it now because you're
[01:10:32] you're weaponizing it now because you're not willing to be intimate with me."
[01:10:33] not willing to be intimate with me." >> Here's a key difference. If she's
[01:10:35] >> Here's a key difference. If she's telling him, "I have almost no desire
[01:10:37] telling him, "I have almost no desire for you whatsoever. I might be willing
[01:10:39] for you whatsoever. I might be willing to perform the mechanical act, but I'm
[01:10:40] to perform the mechanical act, but I'm going to be very clear with you. I'm
[01:10:42] going to be very clear with you. I'm sitting there the whole time just
[01:10:43] sitting there the whole time just wishing it was over and I don't want it
[01:10:44] wishing it was over and I don't want it and I don't want you and my respect for
[01:10:46] and I don't want you and my respect for you is gone. I have no desire
[01:10:48] you is gone. I have no desire whatsoever. So, I can do this for I'm
[01:10:50] whatsoever. So, I can do this for I'm willing and many wives are willing to.
[01:10:52] willing and many wives are willing to. It's not I hate it and I'm miserable and
[01:10:53] It's not I hate it and I'm miserable and I and I'm being violated. It's I'm
[01:10:55] I and I'm being violated. It's I'm willing to do it but I have no desire
[01:10:57] willing to do it but I have no desire and no interest and no respect. Most men
[01:11:00] and no interest and no respect. Most men that ruins their desire really fast.
[01:11:03] that ruins their desire really fast. Most good men will say then I don't want
[01:11:05] Most good men will say then I don't want it. Because what you're doing is you're
[01:11:07] it. Because what you're doing is you're giving him pressure and urgency and
[01:11:09] giving him pressure and urgency and consequences and pain so that he's
[01:11:11] consequences and pain so that he's actually facing the consequences of what
[01:11:13] actually facing the consequences of what he's doing. You're not punishing him.
[01:11:14] he's doing. You're not punishing him. I'm not saying punish your husband. I'm
[01:11:16] I'm not saying punish your husband. I'm saying be brutally honest with your
[01:11:18] saying be brutally honest with your husband so he sees the reflection of
[01:11:20] husband so he sees the reflection of himself. He needs to know that he is
[01:11:22] himself. He needs to know that he is killing your desire and your respect.
[01:11:24] killing your desire and your respect. Good men, most men respond to that more
[01:11:28] Good men, most men respond to that more than most women will ever understand.
[01:11:29] than most women will ever understand. But if you just pretend and keep doing
[01:11:31] But if you just pretend and keep doing it and pretend you like him and pretend
[01:11:33] it and pretend you like him and pretend it's fun, he thinks it's fine. And
[01:11:36] it's fun, he thinks it's fine. And again, you're complicit in his sin.
[01:11:38] again, you're complicit in his sin. >> So, he might spiral. I mean, I'm just
[01:11:40] >> So, he might spiral. I mean, I'm just imagining scenarios here where now she's
[01:11:43] imagining scenarios here where now she's she doesn't respect me. She doesn't, you
[01:11:45] she doesn't respect me. She doesn't, you know, she doesn't want to be with me
[01:11:47] know, she doesn't want to be with me where I'm not being, you know, I don't
[01:11:49] where I'm not being, you know, I don't experience intimacy and relationship.
[01:11:52] experience intimacy and relationship. So, it might have this effect of making
[01:11:54] So, it might have this effect of making him spiral even more down this path of
[01:11:57] him spiral even more down this path of betrayal.
[01:11:58] betrayal. >> What is the alternative there?
[01:12:01] >> What is the alternative there? I mean the only alternative is to
[01:12:02] I mean the only alternative is to basically lie which is not not an option
[01:12:05] basically lie which is not not an option >> right. One of the commandments that'd be
[01:12:06] >> right. One of the commandments that'd be a mortal sin.
[01:12:07] a mortal sin. >> I mean lie with your attitude or your
[01:12:09] >> I mean lie with your attitude or your body in terms of saying this is fine
[01:12:11] body in terms of saying this is fine when it's not fine.
[01:12:11] when it's not fine. >> It's bearing false witness.
[01:12:13] >> It's bearing false witness. >> Yeah. Interesting.
[01:12:14] >> Yeah. Interesting. >> It still it still is. It is hard to be a
[01:12:16] >> It still it still is. It is hard to be a wife. I'm going to be blunt. It's hard
[01:12:17] wife. I'm going to be blunt. It's hard to be a wife. It's hard to be a husband.
[01:12:19] to be a wife. It's hard to be a husband. That's the sacrifice part. The sacrifice
[01:12:21] That's the sacrifice part. The sacrifice part isn't I'm just going to be
[01:12:23] part isn't I'm just going to be miserable and unhappy forever. The
[01:12:25] miserable and unhappy forever. The sacrifice part is I'm going to have to
[01:12:26] sacrifice part is I'm going to have to say things that will hurt you so that I
[01:12:29] say things that will hurt you so that I don't harm you. so that you don't harm
[01:12:30] don't harm you. so that you don't harm yourself. It's the difference between
[01:12:33] yourself. It's the difference between hurt and harm. It is hard to be a wife.
[01:12:35] hurt and harm. It is hard to be a wife. It is a sacrifice. You set your ego and
[01:12:37] It is a sacrifice. You set your ego and your comfort aside to tell your husband
[01:12:38] your comfort aside to tell your husband when he is violating God's commandments.
[01:12:41] when he is violating God's commandments. It's hard to be a husband, to have to
[01:12:42] It's hard to be a husband, to have to say that to your wife when she's doing
[01:12:44] say that to your wife when she's doing wrong and inappropriate things. That is
[01:12:46] wrong and inappropriate things. That is the sacrifice we're called to make is to
[01:12:48] the sacrifice we're called to make is to be brutally honest and guard their
[01:12:50] be brutally honest and guard their spirit and their heart. That is the
[01:12:52] spirit and their heart. That is the sacrifice. Not being wretchedly
[01:12:54] sacrifice. Not being wretchedly miserable every day and being silent
[01:12:55] miserable every day and being silent about it. Silence is actually not
[01:12:58] about it. Silence is actually not biblical. Since we started this topic, I
[01:13:00] biblical. Since we started this topic, I want to just at least put a cap on it in
[01:13:02] want to just at least put a cap on it in terms of this part about these more
[01:13:05] terms of this part about these more intense maybe even abusive or betrayal
[01:13:07] intense maybe even abusive or betrayal situations.
[01:13:08] situations. >> So, you already mentioned like if
[01:13:09] >> So, you already mentioned like if there's serious harm, especially
[01:13:11] there's serious harm, especially physical danger, things like that.
[01:13:13] physical danger, things like that. >> Um removal,
[01:13:14] >> Um removal, >> get out,
[01:13:14] >> get out, >> you know, going to another secure
[01:13:16] >> you know, going to another secure location,
[01:13:17] location, >> family, household, friend, whatever,
[01:13:18] >> family, household, friend, whatever, figuring that out.
[01:13:19] figuring that out. >> But not divorce. You still want to make
[01:13:21] >> But not divorce. You still want to make it work, but it might take a it might
[01:13:22] it work, but it might take a it might you might be in a year's project now
[01:13:24] you might be in a year's project now >> with this person.
[01:13:25] >> with this person. >> Honestly, at that point, talk to your
[01:13:27] >> Honestly, at that point, talk to your priest. Talk to your bishop. Talk to
[01:13:29] priest. Talk to your bishop. Talk to people. Remember that a marriage is not
[01:13:30] people. Remember that a marriage is not two people. A marriage is an absolute
[01:13:32] two people. A marriage is an absolute covenant that's formed under God. But
[01:13:33] covenant that's formed under God. But there's a whole ecosystem around it. I'm
[01:13:35] there's a whole ecosystem around it. I'm never an advocate for staying in abuse.
[01:13:37] never an advocate for staying in abuse. Not ever. Especially if there's kids
[01:13:38] Not ever. Especially if there's kids involved. Never. But I also
[01:13:42] involved. Never. But I also I also know that we have to stick to the
[01:13:44] I also know that we have to stick to the covenant and the commandments that we
[01:13:45] covenant and the commandments that we have. So get out, be smart, do not be
[01:13:48] have. So get out, be smart, do not be silent, build a community. The worst
[01:13:50] silent, build a community. The worst thing women can do is be isolated and
[01:13:52] thing women can do is be isolated and alone without community. Family,
[01:13:53] alone without community. Family, friends, people they love and trust. But
[01:13:55] friends, people they love and trust. But then you make sure there are
[01:13:57] then you make sure there are consequences for that man again and
[01:13:58] consequences for that man again and again as you can. I'm not saying
[01:14:01] again as you can. I'm not saying confront him in his face and then he
[01:14:03] confront him in his face and then he murders you. That's not what I'm telling
[01:14:04] murders you. That's not what I'm telling anybody out there. I know we'll get
[01:14:05] anybody out there. I know we'll get those in the comments, I'm sure. But but
[01:14:08] those in the comments, I'm sure. But but no, this is be safe. Do your job. But a
[01:14:11] no, this is be safe. Do your job. But a good man must make it easier for his
[01:14:14] good man must make it easier for his wife to do her job. My job as a husband
[01:14:17] wife to do her job. My job as a husband is not to make it hard for my wife to
[01:14:19] is not to make it hard for my wife to give me the brutal truth. My job is to
[01:14:21] give me the brutal truth. My job is to make it easy for her because I accept
[01:14:23] make it easy for her because I accept it. I reward it. I encourage it. I
[01:14:26] it. I reward it. I encourage it. I respond to it. And I become a better
[01:14:28] respond to it. And I become a better man. That is my job. And if I don't,
[01:14:31] man. That is my job. And if I don't, it's not a problem between me and my
[01:14:32] it's not a problem between me and my wife. It's a problem between me and God.
[01:14:35] wife. It's a problem between me and God. And that's who she can appeal to. And
[01:14:37] And that's who she can appeal to. And she can keep pointing me back that way
[01:14:38] she can keep pointing me back that way and say, "What does this say about your
[01:14:41] and say, "What does this say about your relationship with God?" If my wife, if
[01:14:43] relationship with God?" If my wife, if I'm ever stuck, my wife says, "How does
[01:14:45] I'm ever stuck, my wife says, "How does this play out with you and God, Adam?"
[01:14:47] this play out with you and God, Adam?" >> It's a good question.
[01:14:50] >> It's a good question. >> Now it's not my wife nagging me anymore.
[01:14:52] >> Now it's not my wife nagging me anymore. Now, it's God himself pointing at me and
[01:14:56] Now, it's God himself pointing at me and telling me that I need to really take a
[01:14:57] telling me that I need to really take a look in the mirror. And it's a it's a
[01:14:59] look in the mirror. And it's a it's a husband's job to be receptive as his
[01:15:01] husband's job to be receptive as his wife in that way. It's not my wife's job
[01:15:04] wife in that way. It's not my wife's job to make me receptive to her. It's her
[01:15:05] to make me receptive to her. It's her job to do her job. It's not her job to
[01:15:08] job to do her job. It's not her job to fix me or rescue me.
[01:15:09] fix me or rescue me. >> So, and to put a cap on that with the
[01:15:12] >> So, and to put a cap on that with the divorce uh separation question, the
[01:15:15] divorce uh separation question, the Catholic Church does permit divorce in
[01:15:17] Catholic Church does permit divorce in the sense of legal divorce.
[01:15:19] the sense of legal divorce. >> Sure.
[01:15:19] >> Sure. >> If there is serious reason.
[01:15:21] >> If there is serious reason. >> Sure. You know, like abuse like we're
[01:15:23] >> Sure. You know, like abuse like we're describing
[01:15:24] describing >> some very extreme circumstances.
[01:15:25] >> some very extreme circumstances. >> But then remarage would not be
[01:15:26] >> But then remarage would not be permitted. Correct. Unless there is an
[01:15:28] permitted. Correct. Unless there is an anolment, which would say this is
[01:15:30] anolment, which would say this is rendering the marriage null and void
[01:15:32] rendering the marriage null and void because it never really existed because
[01:15:34] because it never really existed because often there was a lack of full uh choice
[01:15:37] often there was a lack of full uh choice for it. You didn't you weren't able to
[01:15:39] for it. You didn't you weren't able to fully commit to it because you had
[01:15:40] fully commit to it because you had incomplete or false information. They
[01:15:43] incomplete or false information. They went into the marriage without full
[01:15:44] went into the marriage without full freedom or full knowledge, you know. And
[01:15:46] freedom or full knowledge, you know. And there are a lot of anulments today. You
[01:15:48] there are a lot of anulments today. You know, some people say, "Oh, that's cuz
[01:15:49] know, some people say, "Oh, that's cuz the Catholic Church is handing out
[01:15:50] the Catholic Church is handing out anulments like divorces and they're just
[01:15:52] anulments like divorces and they're just abusing the system." And I actually
[01:15:53] abusing the system." And I actually think no. I just think there's a lot of
[01:15:55] think no. I just think there's a lot of marriages today that aren't real
[01:15:56] marriages today that aren't real marriages
[01:15:57] marriages >> that are not real marriages. It's people
[01:15:58] >> that are not real marriages. It's people playing house and just having feelings.
[01:16:00] playing house and just having feelings. Yes. Correct. I And I'll never advocate
[01:16:02] Yes. Correct. I And I'll never advocate for divorce, but I'll leave that up to
[01:16:04] for divorce, but I'll leave that up to the the person and their priest to have
[01:16:06] the the person and their priest to have that discussion if it's right for you.
[01:16:07] that discussion if it's right for you. Like you said, grave matters are a whole
[01:16:10] Like you said, grave matters are a whole other thing. And I'm not here to tell
[01:16:11] other thing. And I'm not here to tell you what's a grave matter religiously
[01:16:12] you what's a grave matter religiously and what's not. I'm here to give you the
[01:16:13] and what's not. I'm here to give you the science,
[01:16:14] science, >> right? And talk to your priest or talk
[01:16:15] >> right? And talk to your priest or talk to your certainly if you're not a
[01:16:17] to your certainly if you're not a Catholic. I am also part of an
[01:16:18] Catholic. I am also part of an ecosystem. I'm not a priest myself or a
[01:16:20] ecosystem. I'm not a priest myself or a bishop in that regard. I'm here to make
[01:16:22] bishop in that regard. I'm here to make sure that people have all the
[01:16:23] sure that people have all the information they need. I think that
[01:16:24] information they need. I think that religion and science are unified really.
[01:16:28] religion and science are unified really. We are just talking about two different
[01:16:31] We are just talking about two different aspects of the same thing. We need both.
[01:16:33] aspects of the same thing. We need both. >> And I think there's more we could talk
[01:16:34] >> And I think there's more we could talk about, but I'm curious if there's
[01:16:35] about, but I'm curious if there's consequences men can
[01:16:38] consequences men can provide because we're we're kind of
[01:16:40] provide because we're we're kind of focusing on poor behavior from men.
[01:16:42] focusing on poor behavior from men. >> Yes.
[01:16:43] >> Yes. >> There's plenty of poor behavior from
[01:16:45] >> There's plenty of poor behavior from women.
[01:16:45] women. >> Oh my gosh. I I get I get that all the
[01:16:46] >> Oh my gosh. I I get I get that all the time as well. Yeah, absolutely. My
[01:16:48] time as well. Yeah, absolutely. My coaching clients all the time tell me
[01:16:49] coaching clients all the time tell me >> and the thing that most comes to mind
[01:16:51] >> and the thing that most comes to mind with me as kind of the chronic issue for
[01:16:52] with me as kind of the chronic issue for the modern woman is and and maybe you
[01:16:56] the modern woman is and and maybe you see it differently in coaching. I'm
[01:16:57] see it differently in coaching. I'm curious what you say to this is kind of
[01:16:59] curious what you say to this is kind of just narcissism.
[01:17:01] just narcissism. Women who are just very self-absorbed
[01:17:04] Women who are just very self-absorbed and immature and so they're not able to
[01:17:07] and immature and so they're not able to be that actual best friend and
[01:17:10] be that actual best friend and co-founder.
[01:17:11] co-founder. >> Yeah.
[01:17:11] >> Yeah. >> Because they're so
[01:17:13] >> Because they're so immature. lack of humility, lack of
[01:17:16] immature. lack of humility, lack of charity, lack of trust, lack of respect.
[01:17:19] charity, lack of trust, lack of respect. I see a lot of that.
[01:17:20] I see a lot of that. >> Is would you say that's the worst? Like
[01:17:22] >> Is would you say that's the worst? Like if if men's biggest issue is being able
[01:17:25] if if men's biggest issue is being able to like open up and connect and then
[01:17:26] to like open up and connect and then maybe also like porn addiction, would
[01:17:28] maybe also like porn addiction, would you kind of say those are maybe two of
[01:17:29] you kind of say those are maybe two of the biggest issues for men?
[01:17:31] the biggest issues for men? >> I think that the art of being a wife is
[01:17:33] >> I think that the art of being a wife is something that has been largely lost for
[01:17:35] something that has been largely lost for modern women in the West.
[01:17:36] modern women in the West. >> Yes.
[01:17:37] >> Yes. >> I think that being a wife is an
[01:17:39] >> I think that being a wife is an enormously unique vocation among
[01:17:41] enormously unique vocation among everything else. It is incredible and
[01:17:44] everything else. It is incredible and very very detailed in a skill set. And I
[01:17:46] very very detailed in a skill set. And I think most modern women don't have the
[01:17:48] think most modern women don't have the safety they need to be able to do it.
[01:17:50] safety they need to be able to do it. They aren't raised with fathers that
[01:17:51] They aren't raised with fathers that provide safety. They go out into the
[01:17:53] provide safety. They go out into the world hoping a stranger will make them
[01:17:55] world hoping a stranger will make them feel safe. They don't even know how to
[01:17:56] feel safe. They don't even know how to be safe. I think men try to provide
[01:17:58] be safe. I think men try to provide safety and then women don't receive it
[01:18:00] safety and then women don't receive it very well. Then they get angry and
[01:18:02] very well. Then they get angry and bitter at him for not making her feel
[01:18:03] bitter at him for not making her feel safe cuz her attachment issues are out
[01:18:05] safe cuz her attachment issues are out of control and she'll never feel relaxed
[01:18:07] of control and she'll never feel relaxed enough and then she's mad at him that
[01:18:08] enough and then she's mad at him that she feels anxious. I think that a lot of
[01:18:10] she feels anxious. I think that a lot of women want to turn their husband into
[01:18:12] women want to turn their husband into their therapist and their best friend
[01:18:14] their therapist and their best friend and their father and replace everything
[01:18:16] and their father and replace everything else in their life with one man and then
[01:18:18] else in their life with one man and then they get angry at him for going to work
[01:18:19] they get angry at him for going to work because he's not right there to take
[01:18:20] because he's not right there to take care of her feelings. I think that women
[01:18:22] care of her feelings. I think that women don't know how to appreciate a man
[01:18:25] don't know how to appreciate a man anymore.
[01:18:26] anymore. And I think all of that is wrapped up in
[01:18:28] And I think all of that is wrapped up in the problem.
[01:18:29] the problem. >> I agree and I think this is an area even
[01:18:31] >> I agree and I think this is an area even myself as a as a wife like how do I be a
[01:18:35] myself as a as a wife like how do I be a good wife? you know, my mother, I saw
[01:18:37] good wife? you know, my mother, I saw her heroically doing many things. So, I
[01:18:39] her heroically doing many things. So, I can model certain things for my mother,
[01:18:41] can model certain things for my mother, but there's a lot of pieces still that
[01:18:43] but there's a lot of pieces still that I, you know, I've had to learn or I'm
[01:18:45] I, you know, I've had to learn or I'm learning actively, right? And but again,
[01:18:48] learning actively, right? And but again, I think a lot of the advice out there
[01:18:49] I think a lot of the advice out there about like how to be with a man. It's
[01:18:52] about like how to be with a man. It's very superficial.
[01:18:53] very superficial. >> Mhm.
[01:18:54] >> Mhm. >> And it's basically how to appease a man
[01:18:56] >> And it's basically how to appease a man or how to please a man as opposed to how
[01:18:58] or how to please a man as opposed to how to build with a man.
[01:18:59] to build with a man. >> How to give him dopamine and not give
[01:19:00] >> How to give him dopamine and not give him cortisol. Yes.
[01:19:01] him cortisol. Yes. >> Those are the two things I hear a lot.
[01:19:03] >> Those are the two things I hear a lot. >> Yes. Exactly. I remember even as a girl,
[01:19:05] >> Yes. Exactly. I remember even as a girl, my mother was on her own kick of like,
[01:19:06] my mother was on her own kick of like, "How do I be a good wife to my father,
[01:19:08] "How do I be a good wife to my father, my her husband, and she read this book
[01:19:11] my her husband, and she read this book and I read it as a teenage girl called
[01:19:13] and I read it as a teenage girl called Fascinating Womanhood?"
[01:19:15] Fascinating Womanhood?" >> And it's all about dopamine hits and
[01:19:17] >> And it's all about dopamine hits and lowering the cortisol of the man. Like
[01:19:19] lowering the cortisol of the man. Like everything from like taking off his
[01:19:20] everything from like taking off his shoes when he walks in the door and all
[01:19:22] shoes when he walks in the door and all of this like but none nothing in there
[01:19:24] of this like but none nothing in there and about being virtuous and pretty, you
[01:19:26] and about being virtuous and pretty, you know, but nothing in there was about
[01:19:28] know, but nothing in there was about building with your man.
[01:19:30] building with your man. >> Sure. and creating an empire and
[01:19:32] >> Sure. and creating an empire and creating new souls, you know, like
[01:19:34] creating new souls, you know, like children that you now have to raise,
[01:19:36] children that you now have to raise, >> correct,
[01:19:36] >> correct, >> to be saints, right? Like that wasn't
[01:19:38] >> to be saints, right? Like that wasn't it. It was very in that sense
[01:19:39] it. It was very in that sense superficial.
[01:19:40] superficial. >> Um,
[01:19:42] >> Um, >> so I guess for women and this art of
[01:19:45] >> so I guess for women and this art of being a wife and the common mistakes
[01:19:48] being a wife and the common mistakes that women may make, what would you say
[01:19:52] that women may make, what would you say are the common mistakes that women make?
[01:19:55] are the common mistakes that women make? >> You know, the biggest one
[01:19:56] >> You know, the biggest one >> in wifdom,
[01:19:57] >> in wifdom, >> the very biggest one. And and I and I
[01:19:59] >> the very biggest one. And and I and I have I face this challenge every time I
[01:20:01] have I face this challenge every time I work with a couple. I tell women, "You
[01:20:05] work with a couple. I tell women, "You want to hear I love you." He needs to
[01:20:08] want to hear I love you." He needs to hear I respect you. Those are two
[01:20:10] hear I respect you. Those are two different things. Men don't
[01:20:12] different things. Men don't biochemically respond the same to I love
[01:20:14] biochemically respond the same to I love you as they do to I respect you. When a
[01:20:17] you as they do to I respect you. When a man says I I love you to his wife, she
[01:20:19] man says I I love you to his wife, she gets a cascade of oxytocin, that bonding
[01:20:22] gets a cascade of oxytocin, that bonding hormone that says I'm I belong. I'm
[01:20:24] hormone that says I'm I belong. I'm accepted. I'm loved. I'm cared for. She
[01:20:27] accepted. I'm loved. I'm cared for. She flips into a sympathetic nervous system
[01:20:29] flips into a sympathetic nervous system state and starts flooding with
[01:20:30] state and starts flooding with serotonin, fulfillment, contentment. I
[01:20:33] serotonin, fulfillment, contentment. I belong here and it's good. Some
[01:20:35] belong here and it's good. Some dopamine. Absolutely. She floods with
[01:20:38] dopamine. Absolutely. She floods with GABA which suppresses her cortisol. So,
[01:20:40] GABA which suppresses her cortisol. So, a huge stress relief all at once. It's
[01:20:42] a huge stress relief all at once. It's this amazing cascade that goes through
[01:20:44] this amazing cascade that goes through her and she assumes that her husband
[01:20:45] her and she assumes that her husband feels the same when she says, "I love
[01:20:47] feels the same when she says, "I love you." But men are aware that women can
[01:20:50] you." But men are aware that women can love a yappy little purse dog that they
[01:20:52] love a yappy little purse dog that they have no respect for. Men are aware that
[01:20:54] have no respect for. Men are aware that women love children. Men are aware that
[01:20:57] women love children. Men are aware that women love stupid creatures. Men are
[01:21:00] women love stupid creatures. Men are aware that women can love something they
[01:21:02] aware that women can love something they still pity. That is not the same for a
[01:21:04] still pity. That is not the same for a man. Remember that he is designed to
[01:21:06] man. Remember that he is designed to fight every day to keep you alive, to
[01:21:08] fight every day to keep you alive, to protect you, to serve you, to help grow
[01:21:10] protect you, to serve you, to help grow with you. His job is to stand guard
[01:21:13] with you. His job is to stand guard between you and every danger on the
[01:21:14] between you and every danger on the planet. Love like that is not what his
[01:21:18] planet. Love like that is not what his system is designed to value. We know
[01:21:20] system is designed to value. We know that when a woman put walks up to her
[01:21:21] that when a woman put walks up to her husband and puts her hands on his
[01:21:23] husband and puts her hands on his shoulder right here on his chest and
[01:21:24] shoulder right here on his chest and looks up at him and says, "I respect
[01:21:27] looks up at him and says, "I respect you." We know that his system floods
[01:21:30] you." We know that his system floods with testosterone, a surge of it, and he
[01:21:32] with testosterone, a surge of it, and he has an overwhelming protective instinct
[01:21:34] has an overwhelming protective instinct that grows through him
[01:21:35] that grows through him >> to physically say those words
[01:21:36] >> to physically say those words >> physically to hear. Yes.
[01:21:37] >> physically to hear. Yes. >> So, a woman should say, you think a
[01:21:38] >> So, a woman should say, you think a woman should say that to her husband
[01:21:39] woman should say that to her husband every day?
[01:21:40] every day? >> I think it is mandatory that she needs
[01:21:42] >> I think it is mandatory that she needs to be saying it. And when I tell women
[01:21:44] to be saying it. And when I tell women this, I get the same reaction.
[01:21:47] this, I get the same reaction. Do I have to say that word?
[01:21:51] Do I have to say that word? Do I have to I mean I show it.
[01:21:55] Do I have to I mean I show it. >> You think that's the feminism cancer?
[01:21:57] >> You think that's the feminism cancer? What is that? Why it why is that? What's
[01:22:00] What is that? Why it why is that? What's so bad with respecting your husband?
[01:22:01] so bad with respecting your husband? Like
[01:22:02] Like >> it puts her into a position of
[01:22:04] >> it puts her into a position of subservience in her eyes that he now has
[01:22:07] subservience in her eyes that he now has power over her
[01:22:09] power over her >> that he that he's somehow better than
[01:22:10] >> that he that he's somehow better than she is. He
[01:22:11] she is. He >> she looks up to him and that makes him
[01:22:13] >> she looks up to him and that makes him better. Now it makes her vulnerable. And
[01:22:16] better. Now it makes her vulnerable. And if he turns on on her and uses that
[01:22:18] if he turns on on her and uses that against her, she's helpless.
[01:22:20] against her, she's helpless. She's [snorts] been conditioned from
[01:22:22] She's [snorts] been conditioned from four generations of women where men have
[01:22:24] four generations of women where men have died, checked out, been murdered, died
[01:22:26] died, checked out, been murdered, died in war, broke mentally, abandoned, did
[01:22:30] in war, broke mentally, abandoned, did all these things. And all these women
[01:22:32] all these things. And all these women said, "Men will ruin you in one way or
[01:22:34] said, "Men will ruin you in one way or another. So stick to your career.
[01:22:36] another. So stick to your career. Protect yourself. Don't let them get a
[01:22:38] Protect yourself. Don't let them get a leg up on you. Don't stay at home. Have
[01:22:40] leg up on you. Don't stay at home. Have your own money. Keep a secret bank
[01:22:42] your own money. Keep a secret bank account." all these messages from
[01:22:45] account." all these messages from generations. Yes, the feminism is there
[01:22:47] generations. Yes, the feminism is there too, but honestly, it's just raw
[01:22:50] too, but honestly, it's just raw survival and trauma with feminis.
[01:22:52] survival and trauma with feminis. >> Yeah.
[01:22:53] >> Yeah. >> Women are conditioned to be afraid of
[01:22:55] >> Women are conditioned to be afraid of trusting a man anymore.
[01:22:57] trusting a man anymore. >> To your point of what you're saying,
[01:22:59] >> To your point of what you're saying, because of all of that trauma or
[01:23:01] because of all of that trauma or betrayal or woundedness or brokenness,
[01:23:03] betrayal or woundedness or brokenness, they're legit things.
[01:23:04] they're legit things. >> Yes.
[01:23:05] >> Yes. >> So, it's not like she's inventing that.
[01:23:07] >> So, it's not like she's inventing that. >> No, she's not. She's not wrong for how
[01:23:08] >> No, she's not. She's not wrong for how she's feeling. But I will say this, if
[01:23:10] she's feeling. But I will say this, if you can't say I respect you, to a man,
[01:23:13] you can't say I respect you, to a man, then you can't love him correctly the
[01:23:16] then you can't love him correctly the way a man needs. And if you can't say, I
[01:23:19] way a man needs. And if you can't say, I respect you, to a man, and that's off
[01:23:20] respect you, to a man, and that's off the table. You will only date men you
[01:23:22] the table. You will only date men you don't respect. This is why women put up
[01:23:25] don't respect. This is why women put up with nonrespectful men, men they cannot
[01:23:28] with nonrespectful men, men they cannot respect at all, cuz they say, "Well, I'm
[01:23:30] respect at all, cuz they say, "Well, I'm never going to respect anyone, so why
[01:23:31] never going to respect anyone, so why bother?" This is what makes women settle
[01:23:34] bother?" This is what makes women settle for men that they cannot respect because
[01:23:36] for men that they cannot respect because they can't say, "I respect you to" to a
[01:23:37] they can't say, "I respect you to" to a good man. So the distinction you're
[01:23:40] good man. So the distinction you're making is you need to be able to say and
[01:23:43] making is you need to be able to say and obviously be, you know, say you respect
[01:23:46] obviously be, you know, say you respect and be respectful to a good man. Yes.
[01:23:48] and be respectful to a good man. Yes. >> Now, if he's not a good man, this is
[01:23:50] >> Now, if he's not a good man, this is this is the immediate question I get
[01:23:52] this is the immediate question I get from women. What if he's not? That's the
[01:23:54] from women. What if he's not? That's the immediate question that I get from
[01:23:55] immediate question that I get from women. What if he's not?
[01:23:56] women. What if he's not? >> Immediately, every woman, even even you,
[01:23:59] >> Immediately, every woman, even even you, even a godly woman like you, what if
[01:24:00] even a godly woman like you, what if he's not, Adam, but what if he's not?
[01:24:02] he's not, Adam, but what if he's not? >> My goal in the interview is to channel
[01:24:03] >> My goal in the interview is to channel what other women% 100%. I love it. I
[01:24:05] what other women% 100%. I love it. I love that we're going there. Uh, that's
[01:24:07] love that we're going there. Uh, that's that's the immediate female brain
[01:24:08] that's the immediate female brain though, like is what if he's not? What
[01:24:10] though, like is what if he's not? What if he's a jerk?
[01:24:11] if he's a jerk? >> 100%. Back to what we said a moment ago.
[01:24:14] >> 100%. Back to what we said a moment ago. You need to call him on that. What did I
[01:24:17] You need to call him on that. What did I say when when the first thing I said
[01:24:20] say when when the first thing I said when he's not when when he's using
[01:24:22] when he's not when when he's using pornography? What did I say? I'm losing
[01:24:24] pornography? What did I say? I'm losing respect for you, sweetheart.
[01:24:27] respect for you, sweetheart. Women don't bat an eye at saying I'm
[01:24:28] Women don't bat an eye at saying I'm losing respect for you.
[01:24:32] losing respect for you. But to do that,
[01:24:32] But to do that, >> did you start by respecting him? I mean,
[01:24:35] >> did you start by respecting him? I mean, this is the complaint of the guy who
[01:24:36] this is the complaint of the guy who might be falling into sexual sin. If I
[01:24:38] might be falling into sexual sin. If I was interviewing that guy right now,
[01:24:40] was interviewing that guy right now, correct? He'd probably be like, "Well, I
[01:24:42] correct? He'd probably be like, "Well, I wasn't getting what I needed in the
[01:24:43] wasn't getting what I needed in the marriage." Correct. They'll blame the
[01:24:45] marriage." Correct. They'll blame the wife or the relationship.
[01:24:47] wife or the relationship. >> If he's not getting what he needs in the
[01:24:48] >> If he's not getting what he needs in the marriage, often it's his own fault for
[01:24:50] marriage, often it's his own fault for not knowing how to get it. Right. But
[01:24:52] not knowing how to get it. Right. But it's not it's not his fault because he's
[01:24:54] it's not it's not his fault because he's usually avoidant, but it's his fault for
[01:24:56] usually avoidant, but it's his fault for not correcting that. He needs to go.
[01:24:58] not correcting that. He needs to go. >> It's within his power to solve.
[01:24:59] >> It's within his power to solve. >> Correct.
[01:25:00] >> Correct. >> So, it's not like he's a helpless victim
[01:25:01] >> So, it's not like he's a helpless victim is what you're saying.
[01:25:02] is what you're saying. >> Correct.
[01:25:03] >> Correct. For the woman's perspective, there's
[01:25:06] For the woman's perspective, there's also something that's within her power
[01:25:07] also something that's within her power to solve.
[01:25:08] to solve. >> Absolutely. Your respect is the
[01:25:10] >> Absolutely. Your respect is the consequence in the relationship. And
[01:25:12] consequence in the relationship. And your respect is what leads to sex. When
[01:25:15] your respect is what leads to sex. When you ask me, should she hold back on sex?
[01:25:17] you ask me, should she hold back on sex? I think that sex should be directly
[01:25:19] I think that sex should be directly correlated to the respect she has for
[01:25:21] correlated to the respect she has for that man. If she doesn't respect him,
[01:25:23] that man. If she doesn't respect him, she should not have sex with him. And
[01:25:24] she should not have sex with him. And she should tell him, I cannot have sex
[01:25:26] she should tell him, I cannot have sex with you because I don't respect you.
[01:25:28] with you because I don't respect you. And that needs to be a healthy, normal
[01:25:30] And that needs to be a healthy, normal consequence. She's not withholding sex.
[01:25:32] consequence. She's not withholding sex. She is responding correctly to a lack of
[01:25:35] She is responding correctly to a lack of respectability in him. And that should
[01:25:37] respectability in him. And that should drive him through urgency and pain,
[01:25:39] drive him through urgency and pain, frankly, to become a respectable man.
[01:25:42] frankly, to become a respectable man. Because the natural consequence is if I
[01:25:45] Because the natural consequence is if I don't respect you, we don't have sex. If
[01:25:46] don't respect you, we don't have sex. If I do respect you, we have tons of sex
[01:25:48] I do respect you, we have tons of sex all the time, everywhere, constantly.
[01:25:51] all the time, everywhere, constantly. Those are the two realities. So give
[01:25:53] Those are the two realities. So give your man those two realities. It should
[01:25:56] your man those two realities. It should be tied to the respect you feel toward
[01:25:58] be tied to the respect you feel toward him. And that respect is based on the
[01:26:00] him. And that respect is based on the love and real love he gives you and the
[01:26:03] love and real love he gives you and the safety he creates for you. Those two
[01:26:05] safety he creates for you. Those two factors. Does he create safety and give
[01:26:08] factors. Does he create safety and give you authentic love? As a wonderful
[01:26:11] you authentic love? As a wonderful third, I would say is he close and
[01:26:13] third, I would say is he close and connected with God. But he can't do
[01:26:15] connected with God. But he can't do those two things unless he really is to
[01:26:17] those two things unless he really is to be honest with you. And all of this
[01:26:18] be honest with you. And all of this loops back to secure attachment. I know
[01:26:20] loops back to secure attachment. I know people are listening and saying, "Adam,
[01:26:22] people are listening and saying, "Adam, this sounds so hard." Yeah, insecurely
[01:26:24] this sounds so hard." Yeah, insecurely attached relationships don't allow this.
[01:26:25] attached relationships don't allow this. You have to build secure attachment to
[01:26:26] You have to build secure attachment to do this. So, in dating, I think the
[01:26:29] do this. So, in dating, I think the prescription is pretty clear. You you
[01:26:32] prescription is pretty clear. You you know, not just a three-day uh tool that
[01:26:34] know, not just a three-day uh tool that you discussed, but also, you know, what
[01:26:36] you discussed, but also, you know, what you're looking for in a man is a man
[01:26:38] you're looking for in a man is a man that you can freely say, "I respect
[01:26:40] that you can freely say, "I respect you." But if you have trouble, he he's
[01:26:42] you." But if you have trouble, he he's an objectively good guy and you're
[01:26:44] an objectively good guy and you're having trouble saying, "I freely
[01:26:45] having trouble saying, "I freely respect, you know, I respect you." What
[01:26:47] respect, you know, I respect you." What is that in the woman that she needs to
[01:26:49] is that in the woman that she needs to work through? What kind of attachment
[01:26:51] work through? What kind of attachment disorder is she wrestling with that she
[01:26:53] disorder is she wrestling with that she just kind of sees good man and can't
[01:26:55] just kind of sees good man and can't appreciate good man? This is a
[01:26:57] appreciate good man? This is a challenging question because some people
[01:26:59] challenging question because some people will say it comes back to pride in her
[01:27:00] will say it comes back to pride in her that she's being prideful and refusing.
[01:27:02] that she's being prideful and refusing. And I don't think that's actually the
[01:27:03] And I don't think that's actually the case. I don't think it's women being
[01:27:05] case. I don't think it's women being overly prideful and stubborn and mean
[01:27:07] overly prideful and stubborn and mean and and such. I don't think women are
[01:27:08] and and such. I don't think women are really that way. I think women are
[01:27:10] really that way. I think women are innately very practical and I think that
[01:27:12] innately very practical and I think that they are afraid of being hurt. They need
[01:27:15] they are afraid of being hurt. They need safety. But you have to be able to
[01:27:16] safety. But you have to be able to receive safety. Sometimes it's doing her
[01:27:18] receive safety. Sometimes it's doing her nervous system work so she can calm down
[01:27:20] nervous system work so she can calm down enough to receive safety. quite often
[01:27:22] enough to receive safety. quite often it's not knowing the questions she needs
[01:27:23] it's not knowing the questions she needs to ask to understand if she respects him
[01:27:26] to ask to understand if she respects him or not
[01:27:26] or not >> to feel full trust
[01:27:27] >> to feel full trust >> to feel the full trust in him to be able
[01:27:29] >> to feel the full trust in him to be able to actually receive that
[01:27:30] to actually receive that >> like she can kind of sense oh he seems
[01:27:33] >> like she can kind of sense oh he seems good he seems non-threatening but like I
[01:27:36] good he seems non-threatening but like I don't fully know how to internally give
[01:27:37] don't fully know how to internally give myself confidence because I'm not even
[01:27:39] myself confidence because I'm not even sure the framework I should be using or
[01:27:40] sure the framework I should be using or the questions I should be asking
[01:27:42] the questions I should be asking >> that's it she doesn't know the job she's
[01:27:43] >> that's it she doesn't know the job she's applying for to be chief operations
[01:27:45] applying for to be chief operations officer she doesn't know how to filter
[01:27:47] officer she doesn't know how to filter and and correctly interview him to be a
[01:27:49] and and correctly interview him to be a chief oper ex executive officer her. She
[01:27:51] chief oper ex executive officer her. She doesn't know how to build a company
[01:27:52] doesn't know how to build a company together. She's trying frantically to
[01:27:54] together. She's trying frantically to give a stranger good feelings so he'll
[01:27:56] give a stranger good feelings so he'll adopt her and she won't be alone and
[01:27:58] adopt her and she won't be alone and afraid in this world anymore. And that
[01:28:00] afraid in this world anymore. And that she's hoping that he will give her some
[01:28:01] she's hoping that he will give her some scraps of safety so that she can barely
[01:28:03] scraps of safety so that she can barely cling to them for the rest of her life.
[01:28:05] cling to them for the rest of her life. Of course, in those circumstances, she
[01:28:07] Of course, in those circumstances, she doesn't want to give that man power or
[01:28:09] doesn't want to give that man power or control. But that's not marriage. That's
[01:28:11] control. But that's not marriage. That's not romance. That's not intimacy. That's
[01:28:12] not romance. That's not intimacy. That's not what man and woman is supposed to
[01:28:14] not what man and woman is supposed to be. She needs to be asking questions
[01:28:16] be. She needs to be asking questions about how would I learn if I respect
[01:28:18] about how would I learn if I respect this man or not? And if I don't, can I
[01:28:22] this man or not? And if I don't, can I say, you know,
[01:28:24] say, you know, I think you're a good guy. I would
[01:28:25] I think you're a good guy. I would respect you a lot more if you were doing
[01:28:27] respect you a lot more if you were doing this in your life. Do you have plans to
[01:28:30] this in your life. Do you have plans to do that? And are you already doing it? I
[01:28:32] do that? And are you already doing it? I would have a hard time feeling safe with
[01:28:34] would have a hard time feeling safe with you if you weren't doing this. So, are
[01:28:36] you if you weren't doing this. So, are you planning to do that shortly? That's
[01:28:38] you planning to do that shortly? That's how you start filtering men in dating.
[01:28:41] how you start filtering men in dating. Saying that on the third date, you know,
[01:28:43] Saying that on the third date, you know, I think you're fantastic, but this one
[01:28:45] I think you're fantastic, but this one thing I I got to tell you, this is
[01:28:46] thing I I got to tell you, this is really making me uncomfortable. What are
[01:28:49] really making me uncomfortable. What are you doing there? How married to that are
[01:28:51] you doing there? How married to that are you? And I'm going to be if you tell me
[01:28:52] you? And I'm going to be if you tell me you're going to do be fixing it, I'm not
[01:28:54] you're going to do be fixing it, I'm not dating and marrying for potential. So,
[01:28:56] dating and marrying for potential. So, you better really have a plan. You
[01:28:57] you better really have a plan. You better get things together quickly. I'll
[01:28:59] better get things together quickly. I'll watch. I'm willing to date you and see
[01:29:00] watch. I'm willing to date you and see what you do, but I would need you to fix
[01:29:02] what you do, but I would need you to fix this.
[01:29:02] this. >> What's an example of something that on a
[01:29:04] >> What's an example of something that on a third date you would notice that that
[01:29:05] third date you would notice that that needed to be asked?
[01:29:06] needed to be asked? >> Pornography.
[01:29:07] >> Pornography. >> Yes. So, you should ask about
[01:29:08] >> Yes. So, you should ask about pornography by the third date.
[01:29:10] pornography by the third date. >> Most men that I'm dating have porn
[01:29:12] >> Most men that I'm dating have porn issues. And I'll be honest with you, I'm
[01:29:13] issues. And I'll be honest with you, I'm tired of it. It's wrecked my last couple
[01:29:15] tired of it. It's wrecked my last couple of relationships and I don't ever want
[01:29:16] of relationships and I don't ever want to put up with it again. I'm aware that
[01:29:18] to put up with it again. I'm aware that men are visually stimulated and that
[01:29:19] men are visually stimulated and that there's some draw there. So, I'm not
[01:29:21] there's some draw there. So, I'm not going to be angry at you if you have
[01:29:22] going to be angry at you if you have temptation toward pornography, but what
[01:29:24] temptation toward pornography, but what are you doing to make sure it's not
[01:29:26] are you doing to make sure it's not going to destroy our family? How often
[01:29:28] going to destroy our family? How often do you use it? And really honest, I need
[01:29:29] do you use it? And really honest, I need to know because if you break our family
[01:29:31] to know because if you break our family up because of this, I won't thank you. I
[01:29:34] up because of this, I won't thank you. I need to know right now what the honest
[01:29:35] need to know right now what the honest truth is. So, what are you doing to
[01:29:37] truth is. So, what are you doing to resist pornography? Every man must have
[01:29:39] resist pornography? Every man must have some sort of system to resist it. What
[01:29:41] some sort of system to resist it. What are you doing? And if you don't have
[01:29:43] are you doing? And if you don't have one, are you building one? or are you
[01:29:46] one, are you building one? or are you gonna build one tonight and get back to
[01:29:48] gonna build one tonight and get back to me with that information because I can't
[01:29:50] me with that information because I can't date a man who doesn't have a system.
[01:29:52] date a man who doesn't have a system. >> That's strong. I mean, I remember there
[01:29:55] >> That's strong. I mean, I remember there was a gentleman, he was an adviser of
[01:29:56] was a gentleman, he was an adviser of mine and live action. He was the head of
[01:29:59] mine and live action. He was the head of one of the divisions of the FBI at one
[01:30:00] one of the divisions of the FBI at one point, Catholic gentleman, seven
[01:30:02] point, Catholic gentleman, seven daughters,
[01:30:03] daughters, >> and he would give these talks. He said
[01:30:05] >> and he would give these talks. He said the number one thing that he would find
[01:30:06] the number one thing that he would find with, you know, career criminals was
[01:30:08] with, you know, career criminals was there's two things, filth and porn.
[01:30:11] there's two things, filth and porn. >> Filth and porn. Filth and porn. All
[01:30:13] >> Filth and porn. Filth and porn. All different levels of crime. But then he
[01:30:15] different levels of crime. But then he also said that he would told his
[01:30:18] also said that he would told his daughters the first date you should ask
[01:30:20] daughters the first date you should ask about porn.
[01:30:21] about porn. >> Yeah. Absolutely. And not not it doesn't
[01:30:23] >> Yeah. Absolutely. And not not it doesn't even have to be are you using it. It's
[01:30:24] even have to be are you using it. It's what is your system to resist the
[01:30:26] what is your system to resist the temptation. A man every man on the
[01:30:28] temptation. A man every man on the planet needs to have a system to resist
[01:30:30] planet needs to have a system to resist it. It's not I just won't. What is your
[01:30:32] it. It's not I just won't. What is your system? I am close friends with two
[01:30:34] system? I am close friends with two priests actually three priests. I have
[01:30:37] priests actually three priests. I have confession constantly if I ever breach
[01:30:38] confession constantly if I ever breach anything. So that makes it easier for me
[01:30:40] anything. So that makes it easier for me not to sin because I don't want to have
[01:30:42] not to sin because I don't want to have to go see my friend who's a priest and
[01:30:43] to go see my friend who's a priest and look at him and say, "Here's what I
[01:30:45] look at him and say, "Here's what I did." Because every time I get close to
[01:30:47] did." Because every time I get close to temptation of that or any other sin, I
[01:30:49] temptation of that or any other sin, I remember his face looking at me like
[01:30:51] remember his face looking at me like this.
[01:30:53] this. And it's very easy not to sin because
[01:30:55] And it's very easy not to sin because now you have open accountability.
[01:30:56] now you have open accountability. Creating accountability and welcoming it
[01:30:58] Creating accountability and welcoming it as a man, creating accountability with
[01:31:00] as a man, creating accountability with other men, with other buddies. If if if
[01:31:02] other men, with other buddies. If if if I started using pornography or drugs or
[01:31:05] I started using pornography or drugs or cheating on my wife, my male friends
[01:31:07] cheating on my wife, my male friends would find out very quickly and then
[01:31:08] would find out very quickly and then they would gather around to beat me with
[01:31:10] they would gather around to beat me with baseball bats because they love my wife
[01:31:12] baseball bats because they love my wife and my children. They would punish and
[01:31:14] and my children. They would punish and discipline me so my wife didn't even
[01:31:16] discipline me so my wife didn't even have to. And I I've created that on
[01:31:19] have to. And I I've created that on purpose as a system. So it's hard for me
[01:31:21] purpose as a system. So it's hard for me to sin. Then my sins are small and I'm
[01:31:24] to sin. Then my sins are small and I'm ashamed of them and I go and correct
[01:31:25] ashamed of them and I go and correct them. So because I have accountability,
[01:31:27] them. So because I have accountability, my sins are this big. If a man doesn't,
[01:31:29] my sins are this big. If a man doesn't, his sins they grow to the container you
[01:31:32] his sins they grow to the container you create for them. What create what
[01:31:34] create for them. What create what container are you creating for your
[01:31:36] container are you creating for your sins? Every man must have a system.
[01:31:38] sins? Every man must have a system. Don't bait a man who doesn't have a
[01:31:39] Don't bait a man who doesn't have a system.
[01:31:40] system. >> What is the equivalent of this? Is there
[01:31:43] >> What is the equivalent of this? Is there an equivalent of a man, you know, asking
[01:31:45] an equivalent of a man, you know, asking about porn of a man on by the third date
[01:31:48] about porn of a man on by the third date and a woman's
[01:31:49] and a woman's >> possible pitfalls and a question that a
[01:31:52] >> possible pitfalls and a question that a man should be asking or screening for
[01:31:54] man should be asking or screening for within the first three dates.
[01:31:57] within the first three dates. You're going to get me in trouble with
[01:31:58] You're going to get me in trouble with these, aren't you?
[01:31:59] these, aren't you? >> Got to be asked. I know I'm putting
[01:32:01] >> Got to be asked. I know I'm putting myself in the man's shoes here.
[01:32:03] myself in the man's shoes here. >> Women don't like to hear the sexual kind
[01:32:06] >> Women don't like to hear the sexual kind of approach, but are you reserving
[01:32:09] of approach, but are you reserving yourself sexually for people you
[01:32:11] yourself sexually for people you respect?
[01:32:13] respect? >> Meaning, are you are you hooking up with
[01:32:15] >> Meaning, are you are you hooking up with guys or not?
[01:32:16] guys or not? >> Are you hooking up with guys left,
[01:32:17] >> Are you hooking up with guys left, right, and center? Did you hook up with
[01:32:19] right, and center? Did you hook up with three guys yesterday, and you don't like
[01:32:20] three guys yesterday, and you don't like any of them, and they don't like you,
[01:32:21] any of them, and they don't like you, but you're just hoping to find somebody?
[01:32:23] but you're just hoping to find somebody? Are you reserving yourself sexually for
[01:32:26] Are you reserving yourself sexually for people who respect you and that you
[01:32:28] people who respect you and that you respect completely?
[01:32:28] respect completely? >> Did you just say marriage?
[01:32:30] >> Did you just say marriage? >> I would say that. Yes. Me as a Catholic
[01:32:33] >> I would say that. Yes. Me as a Catholic man, I would be looking for that.
[01:32:35] man, I would be looking for that. >> But I'd also want her to say no to me
[01:32:37] >> But I'd also want her to say no to me until marriage. And and my wife and I
[01:32:39] until marriage. And and my wife and I had that conversation when we were
[01:32:40] had that conversation when we were dating that her job and my job was to
[01:32:42] dating that her job and my job was to say no to each other. No matter how much
[01:32:44] say no to each other. No matter how much each one of us desired each other at the
[01:32:45] each one of us desired each other at the dating process, we had to say no to each
[01:32:48] dating process, we had to say no to each other and preserve that. That was
[01:32:49] other and preserve that. That was actually a measure of trust for us.
[01:32:52] actually a measure of trust for us. I think that that has to be in place if
[01:32:54] I think that that has to be in place if you're going to be a faithful Catholic
[01:32:56] you're going to be a faithful Catholic couple in this regard. But but honestly,
[01:32:58] couple in this regard. But but honestly, whoever she is, if she has a sexual
[01:33:00] whoever she is, if she has a sexual history, many women today do, are you
[01:33:02] history, many women today do, are you reserving that for ultimate intimacy and
[01:33:05] reserving that for ultimate intimacy and ultimate respect? If you're going to be
[01:33:07] ultimate respect? If you're going to be a faithful Catholic woman, a faithful
[01:33:09] a faithful Catholic woman, a faithful Catholic wife, yes, that does mean
[01:33:11] Catholic wife, yes, that does mean marriage. Yes, that does mean doing a
[01:33:12] marriage. Yes, that does mean doing a lot of extensive inner work and saying,
[01:33:14] lot of extensive inner work and saying, "Why did I engage in these things? Why
[01:33:17] "Why did I engage in these things? Why did I choose to give myself to people
[01:33:19] did I choose to give myself to people that don't love me? Why did I give
[01:33:21] that don't love me? Why did I give myself to people that don't respect me?
[01:33:23] myself to people that don't respect me? And that usually leads back to
[01:33:24] And that usually leads back to attachment. This is not for shame and
[01:33:25] attachment. This is not for shame and misery and oh, you're a bad person. It's
[01:33:28] misery and oh, you're a bad person. It's I didn't believe I had worth beyond my
[01:33:31] I didn't believe I had worth beyond my sexual value. So, I used this to try to
[01:33:33] sexual value. So, I used this to try to get people to adopt me like a pet at the
[01:33:36] get people to adopt me like a pet at the pound so that he wouldn't leave me. And
[01:33:39] pound so that he wouldn't leave me. And I never understood the intimacy and
[01:33:41] I never understood the intimacy and closeness of sex. And that my sex to him
[01:33:45] closeness of sex. And that my sex to him is a gift that culminates in everything
[01:33:48] is a gift that culminates in everything we share together.
[01:33:50] we share together. That's the equation. Does she understand
[01:33:52] That's the equation. Does she understand the role of sex and intimacy that it's
[01:33:54] the role of sex and intimacy that it's the ultimate culmination of their
[01:33:56] the ultimate culmination of their oneness? And can she give that to him?
[01:33:58] oneness? And can she give that to him? If she can't, then even that gift is
[01:34:00] If she can't, then even that gift is tarnished. It means so much less to that
[01:34:02] tarnished. It means so much less to that man. And he knows that.
[01:34:04] man. And he knows that. >> Now, I've got to ask this because it's a
[01:34:06] >> Now, I've got to ask this because it's a it's a question of some debate and it
[01:34:09] it's a question of some debate and it certainly has a lot of implications. If
[01:34:11] certainly has a lot of implications. If somebody is, let's say, a virgin
[01:34:15] somebody is, let's say, a virgin >> and they want to marry a virgin,
[01:34:18] >> and they want to marry a virgin, >> do you think that that's an appropriate
[01:34:20] >> do you think that that's an appropriate goal, first of all, and second of all,
[01:34:23] goal, first of all, and second of all, can this be part of a conversation
[01:34:25] can this be part of a conversation during dating? And then there's also
[01:34:27] during dating? And then there's also this idea of a born again virgin where
[01:34:29] this idea of a born again virgin where regardless of your history, you are now
[01:34:31] regardless of your history, you are now trying a new path, which I think is most
[01:34:33] trying a new path, which I think is most people today.
[01:34:34] people today. >> I hear you. Uh, I remember that the
[01:34:37] >> I hear you. Uh, I remember that the Bible is written largely about people
[01:34:40] Bible is written largely about people who converted into Christianity rather
[01:34:42] who converted into Christianity rather than people who were raised in
[01:34:43] than people who were raised in Christianity. I'm aware that pretty much
[01:34:45] Christianity. I'm aware that pretty much all of the apostles were not Christians
[01:34:47] all of the apostles were not Christians before and they all had those other
[01:34:48] before and they all had those other lives. I'm aware that many of us are
[01:34:50] lives. I'm aware that many of us are pagans in many ways. I have not always
[01:34:52] pagans in many ways. I have not always been a Christian and I I certainly was
[01:34:53] been a Christian and I I certainly was not sexually pure when I've met my wife.
[01:34:56] not sexually pure when I've met my wife. I will just say that myself. I'm just
[01:34:57] I will just say that myself. I'm just going to get that out of the road right
[01:34:59] going to get that out of the road right now. Everybody asked me that eventually.
[01:35:00] now. Everybody asked me that eventually. So, I was not.
[01:35:02] So, I was not. >> Meaning you were not in the life before
[01:35:04] >> Meaning you were not in the life before meeting her wife. I was not a faithful
[01:35:06] meeting her wife. I was not a faithful good Christian before meeting my wife. I
[01:35:08] good Christian before meeting my wife. I I became a Christian shortly before
[01:35:10] I became a Christian shortly before meeting her really in good faith.
[01:35:11] meeting her really in good faith. >> So you're not saying you were actively
[01:35:12] >> So you're not saying you were actively doing bad sexual things as I met her.
[01:35:15] doing bad sexual things as I met her. No,
[01:35:15] No, >> you're just saying you had a past
[01:35:18] >> you're just saying you had a past most people do today.
[01:35:19] most people do today. >> As many people do today, right? We live
[01:35:20] >> As many people do today, right? We live we actually live in a post-Christian
[01:35:22] we actually live in a post-Christian world and we are ministering and
[01:35:24] world and we are ministering and evangelizing to pagans. And that doesn't
[01:35:26] evangelizing to pagans. And that doesn't mean they're bad people. It means they
[01:35:28] mean they're bad people. It means they don't have Christian practices. They
[01:35:29] don't have Christian practices. They aren't following the covenant of God. I
[01:35:30] aren't following the covenant of God. I have no judgment for those people. I
[01:35:32] have no judgment for those people. I don't say they're good or evil or bad or
[01:35:34] don't say they're good or evil or bad or whatever it may be. They are people that
[01:35:35] whatever it may be. They are people that are following something they don't know.
[01:35:38] are following something they don't know. Wonder. Okay. That's where you're at,
[01:35:39] Wonder. Okay. That's where you're at, right? I shouldn't say wonderful, but
[01:35:41] right? I shouldn't say wonderful, but that's where you're at. If you come to
[01:35:43] that's where you're at. If you come to understand the science of human bonding
[01:35:46] understand the science of human bonding through sexual practices, you come to
[01:35:47] through sexual practices, you come to understand that it does create bonds and
[01:35:49] understand that it does create bonds and a lot of things happen. And remembering
[01:35:51] a lot of things happen. And remembering that sex is for unity and procreation
[01:35:55] that sex is for unity and procreation both equally, right? We can't dismiss
[01:35:57] both equally, right? We can't dismiss one and and and not the other. We know
[01:35:59] one and and and not the other. We know it's for both. So with that in mind, if
[01:36:01] it's for both. So with that in mind, if you're asking me if one virgin has the
[01:36:03] you're asking me if one virgin has the right to then choose to marry another
[01:36:05] right to then choose to marry another virgin, great. Fantastic. Have that
[01:36:08] virgin, great. Fantastic. Have that conversation by all means. People can
[01:36:10] conversation by all means. People can want whatever they want. People are
[01:36:12] want whatever they want. People are allowed to want anything they want. If
[01:36:14] allowed to want anything they want. If you have had sex with 800 people and you
[01:36:16] you have had sex with 800 people and you want to marry a virgin, you're allowed
[01:36:17] want to marry a virgin, you're allowed to want that. It's probably not
[01:36:20] to want that. It's probably not realistic and probably most women who
[01:36:22] realistic and probably most women who have kept themselves pure and for that
[01:36:24] have kept themselves pure and for that for marriage will probably not say,
[01:36:26] for marriage will probably not say, "Great, 800 sounds wonderful.
[01:36:30] "Great, 800 sounds wonderful. Right. Is it a little predatory for a
[01:36:33] Right. Is it a little predatory for a 40-year-old man who's had sex with 800
[01:36:35] 40-year-old man who's had sex with 800 people to find an 18-year-old young
[01:36:37] people to find an 18-year-old young virgin? It sounds a little predatory for
[01:36:39] virgin? It sounds a little predatory for most people. Is she an adult and can she
[01:36:41] most people. Is she an adult and can she make decisions? I hope so. If her
[01:36:43] make decisions? I hope so. If her parents have raised her or correctly,
[01:36:44] parents have raised her or correctly, but she should also have an ecosystem
[01:36:46] but she should also have an ecosystem protecting her. All of that has to go
[01:36:48] protecting her. All of that has to go into this conversation to frame this
[01:36:49] into this conversation to frame this next thing I'm going to say, which is
[01:36:51] next thing I'm going to say, which is this. I think people need to be bluntly
[01:36:53] this. I think people need to be bluntly honest about what they want, but also
[01:36:54] honest about what they want, but also explain why they want it.
[01:36:56] explain why they want it. >> Yes. I think that if you're looking for
[01:36:58] >> Yes. I think that if you're looking for somebody with a low sexual history,
[01:37:01] somebody with a low sexual history, explain why to them and to yourself.
[01:37:03] explain why to them and to yourself. What does it mean? What does it
[01:37:04] What does it mean? What does it represent to you?
[01:37:06] represent to you? >> I think there's a lot of research out
[01:37:07] >> I think there's a lot of research out there that says that if you are actively
[01:37:09] there that says that if you are actively promiscuous as of this moment, you will
[01:37:11] promiscuous as of this moment, you will have difficulty bonding correctly. But
[01:37:14] have difficulty bonding correctly. But the research is fascinating. If you go 6
[01:37:16] the research is fascinating. If you go 6 months to a year with low or no sexual
[01:37:19] months to a year with low or no sexual interaction at all, those bonding
[01:37:21] interaction at all, those bonding practices begin to reset and your
[01:37:23] practices begin to reset and your relationships going forward actually are
[01:37:24] relationships going forward actually are healthier again. How hopeful. I mean,
[01:37:27] healthier again. How hopeful. I mean, that's such a good thing for people to
[01:37:29] that's such a good thing for people to remember.
[01:37:29] remember. >> Correct. Now, there's this stupid idea
[01:37:32] >> Correct. Now, there's this stupid idea from the internet that women have
[01:37:34] from the internet that women have oxytocin bonding with men through sex.
[01:37:36] oxytocin bonding with men through sex. So, then it ruins their ability to bond
[01:37:37] So, then it ruins their ability to bond ever again for the rest of their life.
[01:37:39] ever again for the rest of their life. And the research is very clear that's
[01:37:40] And the research is very clear that's not actually accurate anymore than it is
[01:37:42] not actually accurate anymore than it is for men. Oxytocin bonding doesn't work
[01:37:44] for men. Oxytocin bonding doesn't work that way. That's not how oxytocin works.
[01:37:46] that way. That's not how oxytocin works. We have oxytocin in nonsexual,
[01:37:48] We have oxytocin in nonsexual, non-romantic relationships as well. That
[01:37:50] non-romantic relationships as well. That is not actually a thing. But again, if
[01:37:53] is not actually a thing. But again, if you are endlessly having sex with people
[01:37:55] you are endlessly having sex with people right now promiscuously, that does, male
[01:37:57] right now promiscuously, that does, male or female, damage your ability to have
[01:37:58] or female, damage your ability to have those bonding mechanisms. So, are we
[01:38:01] those bonding mechanisms. So, are we allowed to want a virgin, husband or
[01:38:02] allowed to want a virgin, husband or wife? Absolutely.
[01:38:04] wife? Absolutely. Look at the realism of it. Look at the
[01:38:06] Look at the realism of it. Look at the conversations you're having. Do you live
[01:38:08] conversations you're having. Do you live in New York City or do you live in the
[01:38:10] in New York City or do you live in the middle of a rural country where there
[01:38:11] middle of a rural country where there may be more virgins there? Right? Look
[01:38:14] may be more virgins there? Right? Look at those pieces. Look at yourself.
[01:38:15] at those pieces. Look at yourself. Understand what it means. Understand
[01:38:17] Understand what it means. Understand what you're asking and have clear,
[01:38:18] what you're asking and have clear, direct conversations. And then you're
[01:38:20] direct conversations. And then you're also welcome to reject other people's
[01:38:21] also welcome to reject other people's demands on you. If somebody says I would
[01:38:24] demands on you. If somebody says I would only want to marry a virgin, okay,
[01:38:26] only want to marry a virgin, okay, you're going to look down on me because
[01:38:27] you're going to look down on me because I have had sex with three long-term
[01:38:30] I have had sex with three long-term boyfriends that didn't work out and then
[01:38:32] boyfriends that didn't work out and then I converted to the faith. You probably
[01:38:34] I converted to the faith. You probably won't like me. That's a okay, fine.
[01:38:36] won't like me. That's a okay, fine. We're not a good match. Do you think
[01:38:39] We're not a good match. Do you think that what some people who are very
[01:38:41] that what some people who are very fixated on this potentially where
[01:38:42] fixated on this potentially where they're like I need to be with a virgin
[01:38:44] they're like I need to be with a virgin the why behind it if it's such a big
[01:38:46] the why behind it if it's such a big deal it's like why is it because you're
[01:38:48] deal it's like why is it because you're afraid of betrayal is it because of a
[01:38:51] afraid of betrayal is it because of a sense of like physical purity or fear is
[01:38:53] sense of like physical purity or fear is it because you're afraid of being with
[01:38:54] it because you're afraid of being with someone more experienced like do you
[01:38:56] someone more experienced like do you would you recommend that person really
[01:38:57] would you recommend that person really exploring the why? I mean it seems like
[01:38:59] exploring the why? I mean it seems like an obviously good thing to want.
[01:39:01] an obviously good thing to want. >> Yeah. You know I can I can speak to
[01:39:02] >> Yeah. You know I can I can speak to myself. My wife was a virgin when we
[01:39:04] myself. My wife was a virgin when we met. I I was we were both very young.
[01:39:06] met. I I was we were both very young. She was a virgin when we met. I was not.
[01:39:09] She was a virgin when we met. I was not. She told me that and it was attractive
[01:39:10] She told me that and it was attractive to me, but it wasn't the one and only
[01:39:12] to me, but it wasn't the one and only defining feature like I would never
[01:39:14] defining feature like I would never never not. But it was attractive
[01:39:16] never not. But it was attractive particularly because to me it
[01:39:18] particularly because to me it represented that she understood the
[01:39:19] represented that she understood the value of sex and she was able to
[01:39:21] value of sex and she was able to discipline herself and not engage in it.
[01:39:23] discipline herself and not engage in it. And it was something I actually
[01:39:24] And it was something I actually respected that I had lacked. And I was
[01:39:26] respected that I had lacked. And I was aware that it was a lack in me. I was
[01:39:28] aware that it was a lack in me. I was aware that I was actually I was I want
[01:39:31] aware that I was actually I was I want to say lesser. I was I don't want to say
[01:39:32] to say lesser. I was I don't want to say it that way, but I was aware that it was
[01:39:34] it that way, but I was aware that it was it was a a unique attribute in her that
[01:39:37] it was a a unique attribute in her that I had lacked in understanding and in
[01:39:40] I had lacked in understanding and in discipline up until then. So, I think it
[01:39:42] discipline up until then. So, I think it represents that. I think that many
[01:39:44] represents that. I think that many people are trying to game a system and
[01:39:45] people are trying to game a system and they don't understand how human loyalty
[01:39:47] they don't understand how human loyalty works, many men today. So, they think
[01:39:49] works, many men today. So, they think that if a woman has ever had sex with
[01:39:51] that if a woman has ever had sex with anyone, it means she's going to cheat on
[01:39:52] anyone, it means she's going to cheat on him. I also think that I think that
[01:39:55] him. I also think that I think that people don't understand how loyalty is
[01:39:56] people don't understand how loyalty is built between humans at all. I don't
[01:39:59] built between humans at all. I don't think that women innately look for men
[01:40:00] think that women innately look for men who have had sex with a hundred other
[01:40:02] who have had sex with a hundred other people either. I I think that um
[01:40:08] I think we need to be honest about
[01:40:10] I think we need to be honest about loyalty and what it means. That's
[01:40:12] loyalty and what it means. That's realistically what I think. Nowhere in
[01:40:14] realistically what I think. Nowhere in the Bible that I'm aware, you can please
[01:40:16] the Bible that I'm aware, you can please correct me, but nowhere in it does it
[01:40:17] correct me, but nowhere in it does it say only marry a virgin. I'm not aware
[01:40:20] say only marry a virgin. I'm not aware of that anywhere in the Bible. People,
[01:40:21] of that anywhere in the Bible. People, please correct me if that's wrong.
[01:40:22] please correct me if that's wrong. Remember
[01:40:24] Remember that most Christians around the world
[01:40:26] that most Christians around the world have converted into the faith. Most
[01:40:29] have converted into the faith. Most Christians have a past. I'm more
[01:40:31] Christians have a past. I'm more concerned about what your relationship
[01:40:32] concerned about what your relationship is with God today, what your sexuality
[01:40:35] is with God today, what your sexuality would be today in a marriage, what it
[01:40:37] would be today in a marriage, what it means to you. Are you willing to engage
[01:40:39] means to you. Are you willing to engage in it joyfully?
[01:40:41] in it joyfully? Are you able to engage in it as the
[01:40:43] Are you able to engage in it as the culmination of intimacy? Is there
[01:40:45] culmination of intimacy? Is there loyalty outside of sex? That's really
[01:40:48] loyalty outside of sex? That's really what I'm interested in. What would you
[01:40:50] what I'm interested in. What would you say for younger generations like Gen Z?
[01:40:53] say for younger generations like Gen Z? Is something about dating and
[01:40:54] Is something about dating and relationships today that is more
[01:40:56] relationships today that is more positive or easier than it was for past
[01:40:59] positive or easier than it was for past generations? Is there anything
[01:41:00] generations? Is there anything >> easier? Jenzi is in an interesting split
[01:41:04] >> easier? Jenzi is in an interesting split because half of them are diving off the
[01:41:06] because half of them are diving off the cliff into absolute emotion and
[01:41:08] cliff into absolute emotion and stimulation.
[01:41:10] stimulation. Life is bleak. Life is joyless and and
[01:41:13] Life is bleak. Life is joyless and and pointless. So you have to immerse not
[01:41:14] pointless. So you have to immerse not enjoy but in pleasure which is two
[01:41:16] enjoy but in pleasure which is two different things. They are giving in
[01:41:18] different things. They are giving in absolutely to despair and hedonism at
[01:41:21] absolutely to despair and hedonism at the same time. And they think
[01:41:23] the same time. And they think relationships are just something you wad
[01:41:25] relationships are just something you wad up and throw away and pull the next one
[01:41:27] up and throw away and pull the next one out. It it's just endless consumerism of
[01:41:29] out. It it's just endless consumerism of relationships and humans. That's one s
[01:41:32] relationships and humans. That's one s that's one side of Gen Z. And the other
[01:41:35] that's one side of Gen Z. And the other side of Gen Z are enormously practical.
[01:41:38] side of Gen Z are enormously practical. They are burned out on dopamine. They
[01:41:41] They are burned out on dopamine. They are trying to find the purpose behind
[01:41:43] are trying to find the purpose behind everything else. They are flocking back
[01:41:45] everything else. They are flocking back to overly traditional church things as
[01:41:48] to overly traditional church things as traditional as possible. They are
[01:41:51] traditional as possible. They are looking at what our ancestors did and
[01:41:53] looking at what our ancestors did and then they're dissecting it and trying to
[01:41:54] then they're dissecting it and trying to understand why our ancestors did it.
[01:41:57] understand why our ancestors did it. There's an old wisdom that's coming back
[01:41:59] There's an old wisdom that's coming back because they have to. They are growing
[01:42:01] because they have to. They are growing up in the rubble of a society that has
[01:42:03] up in the rubble of a society that has collapsed that we just haven't
[01:42:04] collapsed that we just haven't recognized yet. They're in the ashes of
[01:42:07] recognized yet. They're in the ashes of a greater culture that has already
[01:42:09] a greater culture that has already passed and they're aware of it and
[01:42:11] passed and they're aware of it and they're trying to make sense of it. When
[01:42:13] they're trying to make sense of it. When I talk about marriage as a business, it
[01:42:15] I talk about marriage as a business, it resonates with that half of Gen Z.
[01:42:17] resonates with that half of Gen Z. Millennials get angry at me and say no,
[01:42:19] Millennials get angry at me and say no, it's feelings.
[01:42:21] it's feelings. Gen Z says, you're absolutely right. So,
[01:42:24] Gen Z says, you're absolutely right. So, they're the ones having the conversation
[01:42:26] they're the ones having the conversation around does marriage even matter
[01:42:27] around does marriage even matter anymore. Half of them say no because
[01:42:30] anymore. Half of them say no because it's just about feelings and the other
[01:42:32] it's just about feelings and the other half says no because I already have the
[01:42:34] half says no because I already have the feelings. When I tell Gen Z that it's a
[01:42:36] feelings. When I tell Gen Z that it's a business, they love it. So you think in
[01:42:39] business, they love it. So you think in a sense Gen Z is is prepared or is
[01:42:42] a sense Gen Z is is prepared or is seeking out or building marriages that
[01:42:44] seeking out or building marriages that are in some ways built to last more than
[01:42:47] are in some ways built to last more than the millennial set of marriages.
[01:42:48] the millennial set of marriages. >> If we can show them what secure
[01:42:50] >> If we can show them what secure attachment means between two human
[01:42:51] attachment means between two human beings, building an actual human
[01:42:54] beings, building an actual human relationship where we talk, where we
[01:42:56] relationship where we talk, where we have safety and peace and connection,
[01:42:58] have safety and peace and connection, where we tell the truth even when it's
[01:43:00] where we tell the truth even when it's unpleasant. In fact, especially when
[01:43:02] unpleasant. In fact, especially when it's unpleasant. When we hold each other
[01:43:04] it's unpleasant. When we hold each other accountable, but not with anger, with
[01:43:05] accountable, but not with anger, with with firmness, but with love. When we
[01:43:08] with firmness, but with love. When we can have an honest, secure relationship,
[01:43:11] can have an honest, secure relationship, and have those three-minute talks. When
[01:43:14] and have those three-minute talks. When we can engage honestly and directly with
[01:43:16] we can engage honestly and directly with each other as man and wife is supposed
[01:43:18] each other as man and wife is supposed to. As we can unify and then build
[01:43:21] to. As we can unify and then build forward for a purpose through our
[01:43:22] forward for a purpose through our vocation. As we can take what Christ has
[01:43:25] vocation. As we can take what Christ has shown us is a real relationship and
[01:43:27] shown us is a real relationship and model that with each other, then yes, we
[01:43:29] model that with each other, then yes, we can build that forward. And I think half
[01:43:31] can build that forward. And I think half of Gen Z is going to get that. I think
[01:43:33] of Gen Z is going to get that. I think we're going to go into an very very ugly
[01:43:36] we're going to go into an very very ugly culling period where the halves and the
[01:43:38] culling period where the halves and the have nots are going to move forward and
[01:43:40] have nots are going to move forward and go in very different directions. And the
[01:43:42] go in very different directions. And the halves are the people who will build
[01:43:44] halves are the people who will build real marriage.
[01:43:46] real marriage. >> So if I'm a Gen Z person or let's say
[01:43:49] >> So if I'm a Gen Z person or let's say I'm a millennial who missed the marriage
[01:43:51] I'm a millennial who missed the marriage train and I'm desperately hoping to
[01:43:52] train and I'm desperately hoping to marry and I'm like, "Okay, this all
[01:43:55] marry and I'm like, "Okay, this all sounds so good, Adam. I'm I'm locked in.
[01:43:58] sounds so good, Adam. I'm I'm locked in. I want to be a co-founder. I want to do
[01:44:00] I want to be a co-founder. I want to do it all. I like the three-day date
[01:44:01] it all. I like the three-day date method. That's good. I know the chastity
[01:44:04] method. That's good. I know the chastity thing is important. Get rid of the porn.
[01:44:06] thing is important. Get rid of the porn. Like all of this, right? Um but what do
[01:44:09] Like all of this, right? Um but what do I go into this with in terms of my
[01:44:11] I go into this with in terms of my vision for the business?
[01:44:14] vision for the business? Should I be developing certain skills?
[01:44:17] Should I be developing certain skills? Should I kind of write out how I
[01:44:19] Should I kind of write out how I envision life? How do I know if it's a
[01:44:21] envision life? How do I know if it's a good one vision or not? This framework
[01:44:24] good one vision or not? This framework is new to me.
[01:44:25] is new to me. I always tell people that life only
[01:44:27] I always tell people that life only makes sense when you plan it in reverse
[01:44:29] makes sense when you plan it in reverse and then live it forward. Most people
[01:44:31] and then live it forward. Most people are trying to plan forward. They're
[01:44:33] are trying to plan forward. They're trying to plan day by day by day and try
[01:44:35] trying to plan day by day by day and try to figure out where they want to go
[01:44:37] to figure out where they want to go someday based on where they are today.
[01:44:39] someday based on where they are today. You need to plan in reverse. Start the
[01:44:41] You need to plan in reverse. Start the day after your funeral. Who outlives
[01:44:43] day after your funeral. Who outlives you? What is your human legacy? Your
[01:44:45] you? What is your human legacy? Your human impact. If you want kids,
[01:44:47] human impact. If you want kids, grandkids, great-grandkids, mentees,
[01:44:50] grandkids, great-grandkids, mentees, students, and people left behind, that
[01:44:52] students, and people left behind, that love each other, that support each
[01:44:54] love each other, that support each other, that are stronger because you
[01:44:56] other, that are stronger because you were there, but even stronger now
[01:44:58] were there, but even stronger now because you're gone, and they can move
[01:44:59] because you're gone, and they can move on and take those roles and lead
[01:45:01] on and take those roles and lead forward, they're sad, but also joyful
[01:45:04] forward, they're sad, but also joyful because they know the future is bright
[01:45:06] because they know the future is bright and they're together and unified. If
[01:45:09] and they're together and unified. If that's the legacy you want to craft,
[01:45:11] that's the legacy you want to craft, then build that backwards. Start 20.
[01:45:13] then build that backwards. Start 20. That's that's 50 years from now or 60
[01:45:15] That's that's 50 years from now or 60 years from now. Start 20 years from now.
[01:45:18] years from now. Start 20 years from now. What needs to be happening 20 years from
[01:45:19] What needs to be happening 20 years from now to get there? Then 10 years from
[01:45:21] now to get there? Then 10 years from now, then 5 years from now, then 1 year
[01:45:23] now, then 5 years from now, then 1 year from now, then nine,
[01:45:25] from now, then nine, let's say 90 days from now, 3 months,
[01:45:27] let's say 90 days from now, 3 months, then a month from now, then a week from
[01:45:29] then a month from now, then a week from now, then a day from now. What am I
[01:45:31] now, then a day from now. What am I doing today that's going to get me there
[01:45:32] doing today that's going to get me there 60 years from now? And what husband or
[01:45:35] 60 years from now? And what husband or wife do I need to build forward into
[01:45:37] wife do I need to build forward into that as well? And what skills should I
[01:45:38] that as well? And what skills should I have to get there? reverse engineer from
[01:45:41] have to get there? reverse engineer from the end goal, then live it forward and
[01:45:44] the end goal, then live it forward and fine-tune as you go forward. We are
[01:45:46] fine-tune as you go forward. We are called to build to a plan. We're not
[01:45:49] called to build to a plan. We're not called to just barely survive dayto-day.
[01:45:51] called to just barely survive dayto-day. That's not what God has in mind for us.
[01:45:53] That's not what God has in mind for us. >> And when you're imagining this lifelong
[01:45:56] >> And when you're imagining this lifelong process towards a final end, maybe that
[01:45:59] process towards a final end, maybe that day after day before the funeral, right?
[01:46:01] day after day before the funeral, right? Your funeral and you're envisioning all
[01:46:03] Your funeral and you're envisioning all of these things. I think a lot of people
[01:46:05] of these things. I think a lot of people may try doing that. That's an
[01:46:07] may try doing that. That's an interesting thought experiment, Adam.
[01:46:09] interesting thought experiment, Adam. But then they're like, "Okay, I don't
[01:46:10] But then they're like, "Okay, I don't think I'm actually This is realistic."
[01:46:12] think I'm actually This is realistic." You know, we're just going to kind of
[01:46:13] You know, we're just going to kind of see how it goes. Try our best.
[01:46:16] see how it goes. Try our best. >> I'll maybe, you know, train to become a
[01:46:18] >> I'll maybe, you know, train to become a nurse or something.
[01:46:19] nurse or something. >> And, you know, these are ideas, but I
[01:46:22] >> And, you know, these are ideas, but I don't know. Like Instagram tells me to
[01:46:23] don't know. Like Instagram tells me to like dream of having a big fancy house.
[01:46:25] like dream of having a big fancy house. I doubt I'm going to have one. Whatever.
[01:46:26] I doubt I'm going to have one. Whatever. Right?
[01:46:27] Right? >> There's just this like millu of chaotic
[01:46:31] >> There's just this like millu of chaotic visions and ideas and then consumerism.
[01:46:33] visions and ideas and then consumerism. like you're flipping through social
[01:46:34] like you're flipping through social media and you have like in you know
[01:46:36] media and you have like in you know visions of you know Pinterest boards.
[01:46:38] visions of you know Pinterest boards. How do you develop a vision that's a
[01:46:40] How do you develop a vision that's a good one and that's one that is
[01:46:44] good one and that's one that is one you should actually aim at.
[01:46:46] one you should actually aim at. >> Yeah.
[01:46:46] >> Yeah. >> Cuz again back to the practicality
[01:46:48] >> Cuz again back to the practicality question.
[01:46:48] question. >> Absolutely. It's the man's job to be
[01:46:50] >> Absolutely. It's the man's job to be honest with you. The woman creates a
[01:46:52] honest with you. The woman creates a rough draft of what she's hoping for.
[01:46:54] rough draft of what she's hoping for. The man's job as the CEO is to come in
[01:46:57] The man's job as the CEO is to come in and provide a fleshed out complete
[01:46:59] and provide a fleshed out complete vision he presents to her. And then the
[01:47:01] vision he presents to her. And then the woman chooses to commit to that vision
[01:47:05] woman chooses to commit to that vision and then she devotes herself to the man.
[01:47:07] and then she devotes herself to the man. I always tell people this.
[01:47:08] I always tell people this. >> This is a process before marriage.
[01:47:10] >> This is a process before marriage. >> This is a process before marriage. This
[01:47:11] >> This is a process before marriage. This is the process of becoming married. A
[01:47:14] is the process of becoming married. A woman does not commit to a man. That is
[01:47:16] woman does not commit to a man. That is not the correct pathway. Women don't
[01:47:17] not the correct pathway. Women don't commit to men and they shouldn't. Women
[01:47:19] commit to men and they shouldn't. Women commit to vision. Then they devote
[01:47:22] commit to vision. Then they devote themselves to that man to cocreate that
[01:47:24] themselves to that man to cocreate that vision together.
[01:47:25] vision together. >> And if he has no vision,
[01:47:27] >> And if he has no vision, >> then he's not doing his job.
[01:47:30] >> then he's not doing his job. And she could maybe inspire the vision.
[01:47:32] And she could maybe inspire the vision. >> She can demand a vision be complete be
[01:47:35] >> She can demand a vision be complete be given. And I say demand as a
[01:47:36] given. And I say demand as a co-executive would demand. Polite but
[01:47:39] co-executive would demand. Polite but firm. We need a vision. Our business is
[01:47:41] firm. We need a vision. Our business is spinning. We're going to go bankrupt. We
[01:47:43] spinning. We're going to go bankrupt. We have one week. I need a vision from you
[01:47:47] have one week. I need a vision from you one week from now.
[01:47:48] one week from now. >> Now, what if they're already married so
[01:47:50] >> Now, what if they're already married so that the stakes are even higher? There's
[01:47:51] that the stakes are even higher? There's no like, oh, maybe he's not the right
[01:47:53] no like, oh, maybe he's not the right fit for me. I'm moving on. and there
[01:47:55] fit for me. I'm moving on. and there isn't a vision or there there is a sort
[01:47:57] isn't a vision or there there is a sort of a vision but it's like we're just
[01:48:00] of a vision but it's like we're just gonna you know pay the mortgage and make
[01:48:03] gonna you know pay the mortgage and make sure the kids are well behaved.
[01:48:04] sure the kids are well behaved. >> That's not a vision. That's survival.
[01:48:08] >> That's not a vision. That's survival. Most men, I'll be honest with you, most
[01:48:09] Most men, I'll be honest with you, most men don't lack a vision because they
[01:48:10] men don't lack a vision because they don't care. That's not the process. Most
[01:48:12] don't care. That's not the process. Most men lack a vision because they are just
[01:48:14] men lack a vision because they are just barely scraping by. They don't think
[01:48:16] barely scraping by. They don't think it's possible to have much more than
[01:48:17] it's possible to have much more than that. They are just barely coping. They
[01:48:19] that. They are just barely coping. They are overwhelmed with stress. Usually,
[01:48:20] are overwhelmed with stress. Usually, they're alone. They don't have male
[01:48:22] they're alone. They don't have male friends. They don't have mentors. They
[01:48:23] friends. They don't have mentors. They don't have guides. They don't have
[01:48:24] don't have guides. They don't have teachers. They don't have other men. Men
[01:48:26] teachers. They don't have other men. Men need men and women need women. And we're
[01:48:28] need men and women need women. And we're we're diving into this trying to think
[01:48:30] we're diving into this trying to think that men and women fix each other. Men
[01:48:32] that men and women fix each other. Men need men and women need women. We always
[01:48:34] need men and women need women. We always have and always will. That's the
[01:48:36] have and always will. That's the process. So men need to be going to
[01:48:38] process. So men need to be going to other men and building those survival
[01:48:40] other men and building those survival instincts, building skills, getting out
[01:48:43] instincts, building skills, getting out of that pit, having a mentor who helps
[01:48:45] of that pit, having a mentor who helps him elevate. Men as man as what is it
[01:48:48] him elevate. Men as man as what is it they say? As steel sharpens steel, so
[01:48:50] they say? As steel sharpens steel, so one man sharpens another. It's not a a
[01:48:52] one man sharpens another. It's not a a woman's job to sharpen her husband. It's
[01:48:54] woman's job to sharpen her husband. It's her job to keep it in his ear endlessly
[01:48:56] her job to keep it in his ear endlessly that he is not sharp enough and then
[01:48:59] that he is not sharp enough and then say, "Who will you be talking to?"
[01:49:01] say, "Who will you be talking to?" >> She can't provide it for him is what
[01:49:02] >> She can't provide it for him is what you're saying.
[01:49:03] you're saying. >> A woman cannot be a man. I am sorry. A
[01:49:05] >> A woman cannot be a man. I am sorry. A wife cannot be a husband or a best
[01:49:07] wife cannot be a husband or a best friend to a man either. She can't You
[01:49:09] friend to a man either. She can't You can't be his best friend.
[01:49:10] can't be his best friend. >> So, what you're saying it sounds like is
[01:49:12] >> So, what you're saying it sounds like is the woman cannot solve this for the man.
[01:49:14] the woman cannot solve this for the man. She can only ask it from the man and
[01:49:17] She can only ask it from the man and then provide what she can provide as a
[01:49:19] then provide what she can provide as a woman which is help with execution a
[01:49:21] woman which is help with execution a soft place to land you know be you know
[01:49:24] soft place to land you know be you know be intimate feel uh safety together and
[01:49:27] be intimate feel uh safety together and connection together etc.
[01:49:28] connection together etc. >> Correct. It is not her job to do this.
[01:49:30] >> Correct. It is not her job to do this. Now can women do it if they absolutely
[01:49:32] Now can women do it if they absolutely have to for themsel? Yes. Women can do
[01:49:35] have to for themsel? Yes. Women can do most things men can do. It burns them
[01:49:37] most things men can do. It burns them badly. It destroys their nervous system.
[01:49:39] badly. It destroys their nervous system. It gives them reproductive cancers at a
[01:49:41] It gives them reproductive cancers at a much elevated rate. It literally kills
[01:49:44] much elevated rate. It literally kills them and makes their quality of life
[01:49:45] them and makes their quality of life lower. So, it hurts the entire time they
[01:49:47] lower. So, it hurts the entire time they are dying. They can. They shouldn't have
[01:49:50] are dying. They can. They shouldn't have to. It's man's job to do these things.
[01:49:53] to. It's man's job to do these things. People get this wrong. They think that
[01:49:54] People get this wrong. They think that women exist to try to just make life
[01:49:56] women exist to try to just make life easier for men. Men exist to make life
[01:50:00] easier for men. Men exist to make life easier for women to do the actual work
[01:50:02] easier for women to do the actual work of the human race. Masculinity exists to
[01:50:05] of the human race. Masculinity exists to create a buffer so femininity can do the
[01:50:07] create a buffer so femininity can do the job on the inside of raising loving,
[01:50:09] job on the inside of raising loving, intimate, healthy, secure children who
[01:50:11] intimate, healthy, secure children who become good men and women in the future.
[01:50:14] become good men and women in the future. Men and husbands exist to facilitate the
[01:50:16] Men and husbands exist to facilitate the family. That is our job. So when we take
[01:50:18] family. That is our job. So when we take the role of leader, it's servant leader,
[01:50:20] the role of leader, it's servant leader, right? Exactly as Christ does. That is
[01:50:22] right? Exactly as Christ does. That is our job. So if he's not doing his job,
[01:50:24] our job. So if he's not doing his job, he is failing to serve the family. This
[01:50:27] he is failing to serve the family. This is not let's make him more comfortable
[01:50:29] is not let's make him more comfortable as the king. This is why is the king
[01:50:32] as the king. This is why is the king failing us? This is his entire reason
[01:50:34] failing us? This is his entire reason for being a king.
[01:50:36] for being a king. >> How big of a problem is it if the
[01:50:38] >> How big of a problem is it if the visions are different?
[01:50:40] visions are different? >> 10 out of 10.
[01:50:41] >> 10 out of 10. >> That's like that's like a mega problem.
[01:50:43] >> That's like that's like a mega problem. >> 10 out of 10. That is the absolute
[01:50:45] >> 10 out of 10. That is the absolute problem and you need to break up
[01:50:46] problem and you need to break up immediately. Have some conversations.
[01:50:48] immediately. Have some conversations. Certainly make sure
[01:50:50] Certainly make sure >> what if they're like they're close but
[01:50:52] >> what if they're like they're close but they're not fully there.
[01:50:53] they're not fully there. >> Have conversations. How aligned are we?
[01:50:56] >> Have conversations. How aligned are we? Why the differences? Can they work
[01:50:58] Why the differences? Can they work together? Are they maybe off because I
[01:51:00] together? Are they maybe off because I have trauma? Are they maybe off because
[01:51:02] have trauma? Are they maybe off because I don't know what I want fully? Can we
[01:51:04] I don't know what I want fully? Can we have those conversations and discover
[01:51:05] have those conversations and discover this together? Talk. But if they can't
[01:51:08] this together? Talk. But if they can't align,
[01:51:10] align, you can't build it. I'm sorry.
[01:51:12] you can't build it. I'm sorry. >> What if someone gets married and they
[01:51:14] >> What if someone gets married and they kind of had a sense the vision's mostly
[01:51:16] kind of had a sense the vision's mostly the same. They weren't as developed in
[01:51:18] the same. They weren't as developed in intentionality of discovering it or even
[01:51:20] intentionality of discovering it or even envision envisioning it the way that you
[01:51:23] envision envisioning it the way that you would maybe have done if they'd done
[01:51:24] would maybe have done if they'd done your course, right? But they're married
[01:51:26] your course, right? But they're married and then they're like the visions are
[01:51:28] and then they're like the visions are they seem the visions seem to be further
[01:51:31] they seem the visions seem to be further moving apart.
[01:51:32] moving apart. >> Are they Christians or are they not
[01:51:34] >> Are they Christians or are they not Christians in this?
[01:51:36] Christians in this? >> Then we really have no choice except to
[01:51:39] >> Then we really have no choice except to actually unify and make marriage what
[01:51:40] actually unify and make marriage what it's supposed to be.
[01:51:41] it's supposed to be. >> So find a vision that you can do
[01:51:43] >> So find a vision that you can do together.
[01:51:44] together. >> Correct. I usually guide most of my
[01:51:46] >> Correct. I usually guide most of my couples. There's five key areas of
[01:51:47] couples. There's five key areas of vision that we can usually unify around.
[01:51:50] vision that we can usually unify around. But you have to sit and craft that
[01:51:51] But you have to sit and craft that vision together as a couple. It's not
[01:51:54] vision together as a couple. It's not it's it's very rarely so widely apart
[01:51:57] it's it's very rarely so widely apart that it wasn't apparent. Now maybe if
[01:52:00] that it wasn't apparent. Now maybe if she is overwhelmingly desiring to have a
[01:52:03] she is overwhelmingly desiring to have a career in in being a lawyer or a surgeon
[01:52:07] career in in being a lawyer or a surgeon and he wants a stay-at-home wife or
[01:52:09] and he wants a stay-at-home wife or something like this for the kids for
[01:52:10] something like this for the kids for their sake
[01:52:11] their sake >> and they just somehow didn't know this
[01:52:13] >> and they just somehow didn't know this didn't know this before they got married
[01:52:14] didn't know this before they got married maybe but very rarely is it so wildly
[01:52:18] maybe but very rarely is it so wildly discrepancy like that between them that
[01:52:19] discrepancy like that between them that it's unfunctional.
[01:52:21] it's unfunctional. talk. Figure out why those things are
[01:52:23] talk. Figure out why those things are important. Figure out what you can do
[01:52:25] important. Figure out what you can do together. Do those things and have those
[01:52:27] together. Do those things and have those conversations. But even the art of
[01:52:29] conversations. But even the art of talking about it is lost for most
[01:52:31] talking about it is lost for most people. If we [snorts] can just get
[01:52:33] people. If we [snorts] can just get husbands and wives to the talking board
[01:52:34] husbands and wives to the talking board and to the table and say, "Why do you
[01:52:36] and to the table and say, "Why do you want the things you want? Actually, tell
[01:52:38] want the things you want? Actually, tell me. I won't judge you or be angry at
[01:52:40] me. I won't judge you or be angry at you. Tell tell me why you want them and
[01:52:42] you. Tell tell me why you want them and why are they important? Can I ask a few
[01:52:44] why are they important? Can I ask a few more questions?" Okay. Can I share with
[01:52:46] more questions?" Okay. Can I share with you what I'm wanting and why that's
[01:52:48] you what I'm wanting and why that's important to me? Can we actually talk
[01:52:49] important to me? Can we actually talk about that and understand each other?
[01:52:51] about that and understand each other? Well, could we move a couple pieces?
[01:52:53] Well, could we move a couple pieces? Could we maybe make this work? Can we
[01:52:55] Could we maybe make this work? Can we prioritize your half and then prioritize
[01:52:57] prioritize your half and then prioritize mine? Can we make that flow? That's what
[01:53:00] mine? Can we make that flow? That's what we do. Absolutely, by all means, as a
[01:53:02] we do. Absolutely, by all means, as a couple. But again, secure attachment,
[01:53:04] couple. But again, secure attachment, which means conducting ourselves with
[01:53:06] which means conducting ourselves with love toward each other, but also
[01:53:08] love toward each other, but also trusting each other and having those
[01:53:09] trusting each other and having those honest conversations.
[01:53:11] honest conversations. >> Is the ideal in dating to find somebody
[01:53:13] >> Is the ideal in dating to find somebody who matches the vision 10 out of 10
[01:53:15] who matches the vision 10 out of 10 >> as much as you humanly can? Yes. How
[01:53:19] >> as much as you humanly can? Yes. How likely is that for the average person?
[01:53:20] likely is that for the average person? Should people be just like the
[01:53:22] Should people be just like the attraction seven out of 10 and it maybe
[01:53:24] attraction seven out of 10 and it maybe bumps up after getting to know them?
[01:53:26] bumps up after getting to know them? Maybe the connection in terms of the
[01:53:28] Maybe the connection in terms of the vision is like 6 to 7 out of 10 and then
[01:53:30] vision is like 6 to 7 out of 10 and then you just love them so much and you kind
[01:53:32] you just love them so much and you kind of get along with their vision and you
[01:53:33] of get along with their vision and you kind of move their direction a little
[01:53:34] kind of move their direction a little bit and you're like 8 out of 10.
[01:53:35] bit and you're like 8 out of 10. >> Most women have a pretty rough idea of
[01:53:37] >> Most women have a pretty rough idea of what their vision is. Marriage, kids,
[01:53:40] what their vision is. Marriage, kids, love, intimacy, legacy. They want that,
[01:53:43] love, intimacy, legacy. They want that, but the man has immense specifics
[01:53:45] but the man has immense specifics because it's his job to. The problem is
[01:53:47] because it's his job to. The problem is that most women try to get to a man who
[01:53:50] that most women try to get to a man who doesn't want marriage or kids, and she
[01:53:52] doesn't want marriage or kids, and she just is convinced that if she loves him
[01:53:53] just is convinced that if she loves him hard enough, he'll eventually want it.
[01:53:55] hard enough, he'll eventually want it. >> Meaning, she loves his vision, but the
[01:53:56] >> Meaning, she loves his vision, but the vision doesn't really
[01:53:57] vision doesn't really >> she doesn't even love his vision. She
[01:53:58] >> she doesn't even love his vision. She doesn't even want that. She loves him
[01:54:00] doesn't even want that. She loves him and commits to him and then completely
[01:54:02] and commits to him and then completely negates the vision entirely. This is why
[01:54:04] negates the vision entirely. This is why a woman cannot and should not commit to
[01:54:06] a woman cannot and should not commit to a man because she's bypassing the vision
[01:54:08] a man because she's bypassing the vision completely and she's actually sabotaging
[01:54:10] completely and she's actually sabotaging herself
[01:54:10] herself >> and him
[01:54:11] >> and him >> and him.
[01:54:13] >> and him. >> So, she can't just love him. She has to
[01:54:15] >> So, she can't just love him. She has to love his vision.
[01:54:16] love his vision. >> That's what marriage is.
[01:54:18] >> That's what marriage is. >> And and she should ascertain that vision
[01:54:20] >> And and she should ascertain that vision in dating.
[01:54:20] in dating. >> That's what marriage is. And if you
[01:54:22] >> That's what marriage is. And if you don't want that, then go live together
[01:54:24] don't want that, then go live together in a house and pretend you're married.
[01:54:27] in a house and pretend you're married. But that's not marriage.
[01:54:29] But that's not marriage. >> What is the most radical kind of
[01:54:31] >> What is the most radical kind of transformation that you have seen? Let's
[01:54:34] transformation that you have seen? Let's do the married couples because they're
[01:54:35] do the married couples because they're baked where they didn't really have
[01:54:38] baked where they didn't really have these tools to understand vision or each
[01:54:40] these tools to understand vision or each other connection all of this stuff. But
[01:54:43] other connection all of this stuff. But once they did the work using some of
[01:54:45] once they did the work using some of these tools, all of a sudden they have a
[01:54:47] these tools, all of a sudden they have a vision and they're just like like a
[01:54:49] vision and they're just like like a shooting star.
[01:54:50] shooting star. >> I'm thinking of one couple in
[01:54:51] >> I'm thinking of one couple in particular. They came in, they've been
[01:54:52] particular. They came in, they've been married for 30 years. They raised kids
[01:54:54] married for 30 years. They raised kids together. He was emotionally closed off
[01:54:56] together. He was emotionally closed off the entire time.
[01:54:57] the entire time. >> The kids were already raised.
[01:54:58] >> The kids were already raised. >> Kids were already raised. They were
[01:54:59] >> Kids were already raised. They were adults. She just thought he was
[01:55:00] adults. She just thought he was emotionally closed off. She was starved
[01:55:02] emotionally closed off. She was starved emotionally her whole marriage. Just
[01:55:05] emotionally her whole marriage. Just assumed it was never going to get
[01:55:06] assumed it was never going to get better. She tried to just martyr herself
[01:55:08] better. She tried to just martyr herself and be good and be a good loving wife.
[01:55:10] and be good and be a good loving wife. She assumed that marriage was going to
[01:55:11] She assumed that marriage was going to be cold and unhappy but she was devoted
[01:55:13] be cold and unhappy but she was devoted to it. She was raising the family. They
[01:55:15] to it. She was raising the family. They actually had a similar vision together.
[01:55:17] actually had a similar vision together. They were doing the vision but without
[01:55:19] They were doing the vision but without any actual joy or intimacy. Come to find
[01:55:21] any actual joy or intimacy. Come to find out he had had multiple short-term
[01:55:23] out he had had multiple short-term affairs throughout the course of the
[01:55:24] affairs throughout the course of the marriage over 30 years. and he had told
[01:55:27] marriage over 30 years. and he had told himself because our marriage is joyless
[01:55:30] himself because our marriage is joyless and h and unhappy and miserable my wife
[01:55:32] and h and unhappy and miserable my wife doesn't want me
[01:55:34] doesn't want me this is all I can do to cope with my
[01:55:37] this is all I can do to cope with my stress to be a good husband
[01:55:38] stress to be a good husband >> and he hid it from her
[01:55:40] >> and he hid it from her >> and he hid it from her completely
[01:55:42] >> and he hid it from her completely >> what happened next
[01:55:43] >> what happened next >> so she found out eventually at 30 years
[01:55:46] >> so she found out eventually at 30 years of marriage and was furious and rightly
[01:55:49] of marriage and was furious and rightly so not only because he'd had multiple
[01:55:51] so not only because he'd had multiple affairs and lied to her and he had
[01:55:53] affairs and lied to her and he had denied her the human dignity of
[01:55:55] denied her the human dignity of understanding ing what was actually
[01:55:56] understanding ing what was actually being done under her on the surface and
[01:55:59] being done under her on the surface and the betrayal, but because she had lived
[01:56:01] the betrayal, but because she had lived for 30 years in emotional starvation and
[01:56:04] for 30 years in emotional starvation and thought she had to because she was being
[01:56:06] thought she had to because she was being faithful to him. That was really the big
[01:56:09] faithful to him. That was really the big piece. She was almost ready to walk but
[01:56:12] piece. She was almost ready to walk but said, "I have to give this a try
[01:56:14] said, "I have to give this a try [snorts] because God in her eyes, God
[01:56:16] [snorts] because God in her eyes, God wants me to, right? I will give it a
[01:56:19] wants me to, right? I will give it a shot." So they came to me. She said, "If
[01:56:21] shot." So they came to me. She said, "If you don't sign up for Adam, then it's
[01:56:23] you don't sign up for Adam, then it's over. I'm done with you." So he said,
[01:56:24] over. I'm done with you." So he said, "Okay, fine." So that was her concept.
[01:56:26] "Okay, fine." So that was her concept. >> That was the thing. Adam will fix you.
[01:56:27] >> That was the thing. Adam will fix you. That was her thing cuz she'd watched a
[01:56:29] That was her thing cuz she'd watched a bunch of my material cuz she found he
[01:56:30] bunch of my material cuz she found he was avoidantly attached. So they came in
[01:56:32] was avoidantly attached. So they came in and he just sat there like he owned it.
[01:56:34] and he just sat there like he owned it. He said, "I'm awful. I've I've broken my
[01:56:36] He said, "I'm awful. I've I've broken my family. I'm terrible." He called himself
[01:56:38] family. I'm terrible." He called himself the perpetrator. I'm the perpetrator
[01:56:40] the perpetrator. I'm the perpetrator here. She has a right to hate me. I am
[01:56:43] here. She has a right to hate me. I am just going to do this. And he was
[01:56:44] just going to do this. And he was resolved to just be miserable for the
[01:56:46] resolved to just be miserable for the rest of his life to to be with his
[01:56:48] rest of his life to to be with his family. He hated himself.
[01:56:52] family. He hated himself. I had to actually walk him through the
[01:56:53] I had to actually walk him through the process of
[01:56:55] process of let's put the let's put the judgment
[01:56:57] let's put the let's put the judgment aside for a moment. What are the gaps
[01:56:59] aside for a moment. What are the gaps that allowed this to happen? Well, you
[01:57:03] that allowed this to happen? Well, you never opened up to your wife ever. You
[01:57:05] never opened up to your wife ever. You kept her locked out. You thought you had
[01:57:07] kept her locked out. You thought you had to. You made decisions based on really
[01:57:10] to. You made decisions based on really bad information.
[01:57:12] bad information. You were tempted biochemically. You fell
[01:57:15] You were tempted biochemically. You fell into that and you made a choice. But you
[01:57:18] into that and you made a choice. But you also had these problems. You were
[01:57:19] also had these problems. You were emotionally shut off.
[01:57:22] emotionally shut off. you've learned otherwise. What are you
[01:57:23] you've learned otherwise. What are you going to do about all these gaps we see?
[01:57:26] going to do about all these gaps we see? Are you prepared to completely transform
[01:57:28] Are you prepared to completely transform your life? Do all the things that
[01:57:30] your life? Do all the things that terrify you? Be vulnerable to people you
[01:57:32] terrify you? Be vulnerable to people you never would before. Have conversations
[01:57:34] never would before. Have conversations with people you never would before. Are
[01:57:35] with people you never would before. Are you prepared to be a different human
[01:57:37] you prepared to be a different human being with everyone else outside of your
[01:57:39] being with everyone else outside of your marriage so that your wife can see that
[01:57:41] marriage so that your wife can see that you've actually changed as a human being
[01:57:43] you've actually changed as a human being and then give her the best of you going
[01:57:45] and then give her the best of you going forward. And he said, he was very
[01:57:48] forward. And he said, he was very scared. He said, "Yes." So I said, "All
[01:57:50] scared. He said, "Yes." So I said, "All right, I'm going to put that to the
[01:57:51] right, I'm going to put that to the test." So I made him go around and open
[01:57:53] test." So I made him go around and open up to everyone in his life, have all the
[01:57:55] up to everyone in his life, have all the conversations he was ashamed to have
[01:57:57] conversations he was ashamed to have about desires, needs, hopes, goals,
[01:57:59] about desires, needs, hopes, goals, weaknesses. I made him build
[01:58:01] weaknesses. I made him build accountability with male friends, with
[01:58:03] accountability with male friends, with his priest, with everybody around him.
[01:58:05] his priest, with everybody around him. His life transformed. And eventually he
[01:58:07] His life transformed. And eventually he stopped trying to make it change so that
[01:58:09] stopped trying to make it change so that he would respect him again. He was
[01:58:10] he would respect him again. He was joyful at making the change and said,
[01:58:12] joyful at making the change and said, "Even if she leaves me, I will keep
[01:58:14] "Even if she leaves me, I will keep doing this." And only at that place was
[01:58:17] doing this." And only at that place was she ever able to start trusting him
[01:58:18] she ever able to start trusting him again because the change wasn't to try
[01:58:20] again because the change wasn't to try to win her back. The change was so
[01:58:23] to win her back. The change was so intense. He craved it. And then all of a
[01:58:26] intense. He craved it. And then all of a sudden her respect for him came back
[01:58:28] sudden her respect for him came back stronger than it ever had. Her desire
[01:58:30] stronger than it ever had. Her desire came back very very fiercely. Actually,
[01:58:32] came back very very fiercely. Actually, they had a they had a second honeymoon
[01:58:34] they had a they had a second honeymoon phase in their marriage at that point.
[01:58:36] phase in their marriage at that point. She felt safer and more loved than she'd
[01:58:37] She felt safer and more loved than she'd ever felt. And her brain began
[01:58:39] ever felt. And her brain began differentiating him from the man he was
[01:58:41] differentiating him from the man he was before to the new man he was today.
[01:58:43] before to the new man he was today. because he actually was a new creature,
[01:58:45] because he actually was a new creature, right? We hear about that the the idea
[01:58:47] right? We hear about that the the idea of resurrection of of a new being. He
[01:58:50] of resurrection of of a new being. He was, but in the fullness of truth and
[01:58:52] was, but in the fullness of truth and love and intimacy. We cannot really be a
[01:58:56] love and intimacy. We cannot really be a devout, faithful Christian living the
[01:58:58] devout, faithful Christian living the faith until we've embraced secure
[01:59:00] faith until we've embraced secure attachment, which means intimacy,
[01:59:02] attachment, which means intimacy, openness, trust, vulnerability, all of
[01:59:05] openness, trust, vulnerability, all of those accountability practices as well.
[01:59:07] those accountability practices as well. That's what secure attachment is, and
[01:59:09] That's what secure attachment is, and the faith demands that of us. When he
[01:59:11] the faith demands that of us. When he did that, their marriage turned into
[01:59:12] did that, their marriage turned into what what he had what he had always
[01:59:14] what what he had what he had always wanted, what she had always wanted. They
[01:59:16] wanted, what she had always wanted. They were joyful.
[01:59:17] were joyful. >> How long ago was that? Can I ask?
[01:59:20] >> How long ago was that? Can I ask? >> How long ago? Uh, I closed out with them
[01:59:22] >> How long ago? Uh, I closed out with them about a year ago.
[01:59:23] about a year ago. >> So, they've been going strong for a
[01:59:25] >> So, they've been going strong for a couple years or what would you say?
[01:59:26] couple years or what would you say? >> I did get an email from them actually uh
[01:59:28] >> I did get an email from them actually uh not too long ago talking about how
[01:59:30] not too long ago talking about how amazing they are with smiling, happy
[01:59:32] amazing they are with smiling, happy photos on a cruise together. So, they're
[01:59:33] photos on a cruise together. So, they're doing amazing.
[01:59:34] doing amazing. >> Praise God.
[01:59:35] >> Praise God. >> Absolutely.
[01:59:36] >> Absolutely. >> So, it wasn't just like we felt good for
[01:59:37] >> So, it wasn't just like we felt good for a few weeks and then it fell off the the
[01:59:39] a few weeks and then it fell off the the rails. No, it took them about 6 months.
[01:59:41] rails. No, it took them about 6 months. About 6 months start to finish for from
[01:59:44] About 6 months start to finish for from Adam, I hate my life and I'm I'm the
[01:59:45] Adam, I hate my life and I'm I'm the scum of the earth perpetrator to I am
[01:59:47] scum of the earth perpetrator to I am more joyful than I have ever been in my
[01:59:49] more joyful than I have ever been in my life. And and it's not that the affairs
[01:59:51] life. And and it's not that the affairs were good. It's that being found out was
[01:59:53] were good. It's that being found out was good and he was happy he had been found
[01:59:55] good and he was happy he had been found out because the joy and the and the
[01:59:56] out because the joy and the and the connection was so real. About 6 months.
[01:59:59] connection was so real. About 6 months. >> Wow. This has been amazing. I want to do
[02:00:01] >> Wow. This has been amazing. I want to do a quick round at this end here of red
[02:00:04] a quick round at this end here of red flags and green flags. Let's do it
[02:00:06] flags and green flags. Let's do it >> for discernment connected to attachment.
[02:00:08] >> for discernment connected to attachment. >> Okay. Well, first tell us the different
[02:00:11] >> Okay. Well, first tell us the different types of disordered attachments.
[02:00:13] types of disordered attachments. >> Yeah,
[02:00:13] >> Yeah, >> insecure attachments I should say.
[02:00:15] >> insecure attachments I should say. >> Absolutely. So, attachment is a binary.
[02:00:16] >> Absolutely. So, attachment is a binary. You either have secure attachment where
[02:00:18] You either have secure attachment where you are fully connected with the other
[02:00:19] you are fully connected with the other humans around you with good boundaries.
[02:00:21] humans around you with good boundaries. Or you have insecure attachment where
[02:00:23] Or you have insecure attachment where you are cold, isolated, distant,
[02:00:25] you are cold, isolated, distant, connected or afraid of abandonment,
[02:00:27] connected or afraid of abandonment, afraid of betrayal. You just can't
[02:00:28] afraid of betrayal. You just can't connect to humans. So, you relate to
[02:00:30] connect to humans. So, you relate to them by stimulation instead, right? And
[02:00:32] them by stimulation instead, right? And being stimulated. That's a binary. Now,
[02:00:34] being stimulated. That's a binary. Now, on the insecure side, you can have the
[02:00:36] on the insecure side, you can have the anxious side, which says, "I am the
[02:00:37] anxious side, which says, "I am the problem. I'm not good enough. I am
[02:00:39] problem. I'm not good enough. I am unlovable. And I will be abandoned if I
[02:00:41] unlovable. And I will be abandoned if I don't make people happy enough. Or you
[02:00:43] don't make people happy enough. Or you can be avoidant where you say other
[02:00:45] can be avoidant where you say other people are the problem. I can't let them
[02:00:46] people are the problem. I can't let them close because they get disregulated and
[02:00:48] close because they get disregulated and hurt and betray. So I must be alone. And
[02:00:50] hurt and betray. So I must be alone. And then there's a third in between. It's
[02:00:53] then there's a third in between. It's disorganized. It just means cannot be
[02:00:55] disorganized. It just means cannot be organized into either category. So it's
[02:00:56] organized into either category. So it's in the middle. Disorganized. I've
[02:00:58] in the middle. Disorganized. I've updated the field and I've I've pulled
[02:01:00] updated the field and I've I've pulled out two subtypes of each of those four.
[02:01:02] out two subtypes of each of those four. But but that's the main. And secure
[02:01:04] But but that's the main. And secure attachment looks like what
[02:01:06] attachment looks like what >> it's you and I being able to have an
[02:01:08] >> it's you and I being able to have an honest discussion about needs, sadness,
[02:01:10] honest discussion about needs, sadness, worry, concerns, and then solving
[02:01:12] worry, concerns, and then solving problems together because our nervous
[02:01:14] problems together because our nervous systems are regulated and I trust you to
[02:01:16] systems are regulated and I trust you to hear me out and you trust me to hear you
[02:01:18] hear me out and you trust me to hear you out. And that we will work together for
[02:01:20] out. And that we will work together for mutual good. That's secure attachment.
[02:01:22] mutual good. That's secure attachment. It's open, transparent, and
[02:01:24] It's open, transparent, and communicative. And what I love about
[02:01:25] communicative. And what I love about that is secure attached securely
[02:01:27] that is secure attached securely attached people may still have a fear or
[02:01:30] attached people may still have a fear or a worry or even a tendency that's
[02:01:33] a worry or even a tendency that's disorganized that is avoidant that is
[02:01:35] disorganized that is avoidant that is anxious but they know what to do.
[02:01:38] anxious but they know what to do. >> Absolutely.
[02:01:38] >> Absolutely. >> They seek they seek communication. They
[02:01:41] >> They seek they seek communication. They seek connection. They seek openness
[02:01:42] seek connection. They seek openness instead of closing off and rejecting or
[02:01:45] instead of closing off and rejecting or plastering on and losing sense of
[02:01:47] plastering on and losing sense of identity etc.
[02:01:48] identity etc. >> I call that becoming remade secure. You
[02:01:50] >> I call that becoming remade secure. You weren't raised secure. You remade
[02:01:52] weren't raised secure. You remade yourself into secure attachment.
[02:01:54] yourself into secure attachment. Absolutely. You may have feelings and
[02:01:56] Absolutely. You may have feelings and worries and then you go to someone and
[02:01:57] worries and then you go to someone and say, "Hey, I have a feeling. I'm
[02:01:59] say, "Hey, I have a feeling. I'm worried. Can I tell you about it? Can we
[02:02:00] worried. Can I tell you about it? Can we work on it?" And they say, "Sure." And
[02:02:02] work on it?" And they say, "Sure." And you fix it and it grows the bond between
[02:02:04] you fix it and it grows the bond between you. It's more unitive together because
[02:02:06] you. It's more unitive together because you've shared trust and love and bonded
[02:02:08] you've shared trust and love and bonded through oxytocin and vasopressin.
[02:02:11] through oxytocin and vasopressin. >> So, what are the flags that people might
[02:02:15] >> So, what are the flags that people might not realize are red
[02:02:17] not realize are red >> that have to do with attachment? Yeah.
[02:02:20] >> that have to do with attachment? Yeah. >> In dating?
[02:02:21] >> In dating? >> Yeah. And people out there will
[02:02:22] >> Yeah. And people out there will recognize these in partners, but also in
[02:02:23] recognize these in partners, but also in themselves. Being afraid to ask honest,
[02:02:26] themselves. Being afraid to ask honest, serious questions on dates because
[02:02:28] serious questions on dates because you're coming across as too much. Trying
[02:02:30] you're coming across as too much. Trying to just go with it and see where it goes
[02:02:33] to just go with it and see where it goes over the next 5 years. Being afraid to
[02:02:35] over the next 5 years. Being afraid to share your vision because you'll be
[02:02:37] share your vision because you'll be judged. Being afraid to ask deeper
[02:02:40] judged. Being afraid to ask deeper probing questions because you're afraid
[02:02:41] probing questions because you're afraid you'll get laughed at or insulted or
[02:02:43] you'll get laughed at or insulted or rejected. Thinking that you have to
[02:02:45] rejected. Thinking that you have to comply and be agreeable with other
[02:02:47] comply and be agreeable with other people so that they will ever, ever,
[02:02:49] people so that they will ever, ever, ever be fair or honest with you. that
[02:02:51] ever be fair or honest with you. that it's all based on how you make them
[02:02:52] it's all based on how you make them feel. Building relationships based on
[02:02:54] feel. Building relationships based on emotions instead of based on what you're
[02:02:56] emotions instead of based on what you're trying to grow together. Thinking that
[02:02:58] trying to grow together. Thinking that marriage and romance is purely about
[02:03:01] marriage and romance is purely about emotional stimulation together instead
[02:03:02] emotional stimulation together instead of building an actual practical thing
[02:03:04] of building an actual practical thing going forward. Even in religion,
[02:03:07] going forward. Even in religion, thinking that God hates you because
[02:03:09] thinking that God hates you because you're imperfect. Thinking that he's
[02:03:10] you're imperfect. Thinking that he's endlessly judging and disappointed. or
[02:03:13] endlessly judging and disappointed. or the other side, the avoidant side,
[02:03:14] the other side, the avoidant side, thinking that he's that watchmaker god
[02:03:15] thinking that he's that watchmaker god who started it, kicked over the domino,
[02:03:17] who started it, kicked over the domino, and is now watching you and judging your
[02:03:19] and is now watching you and judging your performance to see if you're good enough
[02:03:21] performance to see if you're good enough for him.
[02:03:23] for him. All of those factors go into insecure
[02:03:25] All of those factors go into insecure attachment, but realistically, it all
[02:03:26] attachment, but realistically, it all boils down to this. Are your
[02:03:28] boils down to this. Are your relationships with human beings direct
[02:03:30] relationships with human beings direct and clear and focused on having
[02:03:33] and clear and focused on having transparency, or are they about
[02:03:36] transparency, or are they about stimulating each other to try to protect
[02:03:38] stimulating each other to try to protect both of you from hurt? That's really the
[02:03:41] both of you from hurt? That's really the connection piece. That's the secure
[02:03:43] connection piece. That's the secure attachment.
[02:03:43] attachment. >> Green flags. What are the green flags
[02:03:46] >> Green flags. What are the green flags that somebody if they have attachment
[02:03:48] that somebody if they have attachment issues might feel like red flags to them
[02:03:51] issues might feel like red flags to them or like be almost scary to them, but
[02:03:53] or like be almost scary to them, but they're actually green flags in dating?
[02:03:55] they're actually green flags in dating? >> Asking direct probing questions, but in
[02:03:57] >> Asking direct probing questions, but in a friendly, polite manner. Not an angry
[02:03:59] a friendly, polite manner. Not an angry manner or a demanding manner. You're not
[02:04:01] manner or a demanding manner. You're not asking to see their bank statements on
[02:04:02] asking to see their bank statements on the first date, but you're asking what
[02:04:04] the first date, but you're asking what are you doing and why? Help me
[02:04:05] are you doing and why? Help me understand. Overwhelming just curiosity.
[02:04:07] understand. Overwhelming just curiosity. It's not the Spanish Inquisition. It's
[02:04:09] It's not the Spanish Inquisition. It's actual authentic curiosity. being able
[02:04:12] actual authentic curiosity. being able to share their challenges without
[02:04:13] to share their challenges without collapsing into those things and saying,
[02:04:15] collapsing into those things and saying, "Oh, wo is me. I'm so terrible. Here's a
[02:04:17] "Oh, wo is me. I'm so terrible. Here's a challenge I'm working on. I'm excited
[02:04:18] challenge I'm working on. I'm excited about it. Here's how I'm growing." Being
[02:04:20] about it. Here's how I'm growing." Being able to share your values and wanting
[02:04:22] able to share your values and wanting commitment and being clear about that
[02:04:24] commitment and being clear about that from day one. Building toward commitment
[02:04:26] from day one. Building toward commitment because that's all you're interested in.
[02:04:28] because that's all you're interested in. Having a range of good friendships that
[02:04:31] Having a range of good friendships that you talk about openly with everybody
[02:04:33] you talk about openly with everybody around you because there are no secrets.
[02:04:35] around you because there are no secrets. All of these are really good green flags
[02:04:36] All of these are really good green flags that feel overwhelming to people with
[02:04:39] that feel overwhelming to people with insecure attachment at the beginning. So
[02:04:40] insecure attachment at the beginning. So if this feels like too much, you
[02:04:42] if this feels like too much, you probably are afraid of connection.
[02:04:45] probably are afraid of connection. >> How can people find resources to better
[02:04:48] >> How can people find resources to better understand maybe areas that they're
[02:04:50] understand maybe areas that they're trying to heal in themselves when it
[02:04:52] trying to heal in themselves when it comes to attachment or better prepare
[02:04:55] comes to attachment or better prepare for meeting the one or being married to
[02:04:57] for meeting the one or being married to the one and having a strongly attached
[02:05:00] the one and having a strongly attached marriage.
[02:05:00] marriage. >> Resources. I have a lot of great
[02:05:02] >> Resources. I have a lot of great resources.
[02:05:02] resources. >> You are the king of resources.
[02:05:04] >> You are the king of resources. >> I am. I try to be. I have I have two
[02:05:06] >> I am. I try to be. I have I have two amazing resources right now on my
[02:05:07] amazing resources right now on my website for free on adamlingsmith.com.
[02:05:10] website for free on adamlingsmith.com. You can go on there. I have the
[02:05:10] You can go on there. I have the attachment style assessment that will
[02:05:12] attachment style assessment that will show you what your attachment style is.
[02:05:15] show you what your attachment style is. I've had, I think, 40,000 people go
[02:05:17] I've had, I think, 40,000 people go through it so far. It's one of the
[02:05:18] through it so far. It's one of the biggest studies that we're running so
[02:05:19] biggest studies that we're running so far. I am so excited about this. But it
[02:05:21] far. I am so excited about this. But it gives you what your exact style is with
[02:05:23] gives you what your exact style is with some opening steps of fixing it and
[02:05:25] some opening steps of fixing it and becoming more secure. Number one, I have
[02:05:26] becoming more secure. Number one, I have my free attachment newsletter on there
[02:05:28] my free attachment newsletter on there where I'm sending out multiple times a
[02:05:30] where I'm sending out multiple times a week all kinds of information about
[02:05:32] week all kinds of information about skill training, conversations to have
[02:05:34] skill training, conversations to have very practical, crunchy material. Those
[02:05:36] very practical, crunchy material. Those are great places to start. Me and my
[02:05:38] are great places to start. Me and my team of coaches are also on standby to
[02:05:40] team of coaches are also on standby to help individuals and couples to work
[02:05:42] help individuals and couples to work right now on anything you need to be
[02:05:44] right now on anything you need to be fixing. Wherever you are, no matter how
[02:05:46] fixing. Wherever you are, no matter how hard things are, we're happy to begin
[02:05:48] hard things are, we're happy to begin starting. And I am running a retreat
[02:05:50] starting. And I am running a retreat actually very soon down in San Diego
[02:05:52] actually very soon down in San Diego with in-person training with me and my
[02:05:54] with in-person training with me and my team to walk you through a intense
[02:05:56] team to walk you through a intense breakthrough protocol. Have
[02:05:58] breakthrough protocol. Have >> people sign up? Absolutely. I'd love to
[02:05:59] >> people sign up? Absolutely. I'd love to have people sign up. It's all on adam
[02:06:01] have people sign up. It's all on adam laneith.com. We
[02:06:02] laneith.com. We >> amazing, Adam, as usual. This has been
[02:06:04] >> amazing, Adam, as usual. This has been phenomenal. Thank you. Thank you. Your
[02:06:06] phenomenal. Thank you. Thank you. Your work is so valuable and important and
[02:06:08] work is so valuable and important and helping so many people and I'm very
[02:06:10] helping so many people and I'm very grateful that you join the show again.
[02:06:11] grateful that you join the show again. >> Thank you for having me here.
[02:06:12] >> Thank you for having me here. >> A big thank you to our channel partner
[02:06:14] >> A big thank you to our channel partner EWTN. EWTN is the world's largest
[02:06:18] EWTN. EWTN is the world's largest religious broadcast network reaching
[02:06:20] religious broadcast network reaching millions of people every single day with
[02:06:22] millions of people every single day with the beautiful truth of the gospel. You
[02:06:24] the beautiful truth of the gospel. You can be the first to watch new Llaya Rose
[02:06:27] can be the first to watch new Llaya Rose Show episodes 24 hours before YouTube
[02:06:30] Show episodes 24 hours before YouTube over at EWTN.com/onddemand
[02:06:33] over at EWTN.com/onddemand and on the EWTN