# Pleasure in Marriage | The Truth About Intimacy, Desire & Emotional Connection | Dr Rick Netshiozwi

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkfOeJ4bgWg

[00:00] Build it up when you are at a state of depression.
[00:04] Depression kills intimacy.
[00:07] You must deal with that phase.
[00:08] You must deal with depression to the highest caliber.
[00:10] Now, let me explain something very unique.
[00:14] When a woman is not when she feels she's not loved, she can't lubricate easily.
[00:23] Yeah.
[00:23] She struggles to lubricate.
[00:31] Welcome, Dr. Ring, to another beautiful episode.
[00:33] Today, we are tackling pleasure in marriage.
[00:38] Oh, yeah.
[00:38] Very excited to have that topic.
[00:41] But, first, we need to um commend you for the previous episodes.
[00:47] We had a lot of interesting comments coming in.
[00:49] We had a lot of complaints.
[00:52] Yes.
[00:52] You know, you you always know it's a battle between the genders.
[00:55] Oh, yeah.
[00:56] Men and women, relationship building.
[00:58] It's a difficult topic to touch on.
[01:00] Issues of relationships and marriages and then not have negative feedback.
[01:06] People are negative.
[01:06] You know, with society, with fatherless uh society, you know, we we we dealt with a lot of issues in the previous um episodes.
[01:16] Yeah.
[01:16] So, I'm excited today that we are talking about pleasure.
[01:19] Pleasure in marriage.
[01:22] Very excited.
[01:22] But, before we we we we tap on that, I'd like you to um tell me, as a marriage counselor, how does it feel to reverse 221 divorces?
[01:37] Oh, yeah.
[01:38] Yeah.
[01:39] You know, so what what I do is that I do um almost like a counting, like a some sort of a census for the couples that I counsel.
[01:48] Some of them we search them through the comments they make.
[01:50] Some of them we reach out to them.
[01:52] Some of them we ask them how did the video impact?
[01:56] And they'll be like, "No, we heard you, we applied it and we ended up uh no longer."
[02:01] Contacting the lawyers to actually finalize the process of divorce.
[02:05] Some of them we are reversing them even the day before they are going to the to the actual court, yeah.
[02:12] And and there are processes involved and and you know, the thing is about divorces is that they are not simple environments because people by then are very toxic.
[02:19] There's resentment, there's anger.
[02:21] There's a lot of questioning, children are in distraught positions.
[02:26] Uh there's even side chicks, side men and all those types of things, families involved, in-laws.
[02:33] Influences as well from the families.
[02:35] Exactly.
[02:36] So, there there there there's a lot of issues to deal delve into and that's why uh there are not so many marriage counselors that can actually reverse divorces to that caliber, which is what makes it very unique.
[02:46] And and this is one key that I use.
[02:48] You win a man back, you can win the marriage back.
[02:53] I support you on that.
[02:55] Yeah.
[02:55] I'm one woman.
[02:55] If I If I If I can stand alone as a woman saying I support the honor of men to be retained, you know,
[03:04] To be, to be, to regain their, their, their honor, I'm happy to be part of this.
[03:09] The thing is, you'll go far if you deal with a man because most of the time women fall in line very quickly when a man is sharpened up.
[03:17] So, counseling does not succeed if the man is absent.
[03:20] So, there are a lot of counselors who are counseling women only.
[03:24] Yeah.
[03:25] And they don't realize that the real person that you need to get in is actually the man.
[03:31] And that's where fixing divorces come in at its best because with women you can negotiate, you can talk to them, you can convince them.
[03:40] They're not necessarily dumb, they know what they want, but the conversation with them is much easier.
[03:45] But when you come to the ego of a man, dealing with some of the stubbornness that is in there, you need to have a skill for that.
[03:51] And that's where you start to see good marriage counselors from marriage counselors that are very much unseasoned.
[03:57] You start to see it by how they deal with men.
[04:00] So, if you want to see a marriage counselor that knows...
[04:04] Their stuff, see a marriage counselor that deals with men.
[04:06] Because even women themselves struggle with men.
[04:11] With men, we do.
[04:12] And I'm not saying that men are in the wrong most of the time.
[04:14] It is just that situations they vary from from men to men.
[04:20] Yes.
[04:20] But if you can deal with men, if you can counsel men, if you can sharpen men, if you can bring them from the cave that they are in to a position where they can reconsider the union, I'm telling you that requires skill to integrate.
[04:33] And some of them
[04:34] Amen to that.
[04:34] Yeah, but it's I it's something that we need to celebrate.
[04:39] Oh, yeah.
[04:39] And I'm celebrating with you on a daily basis because the divorce rate is too high in South Africa.
[04:44] Matter of fact, the latest statistics tell us that the divorce is 24,202 marriages were lost in the last counting of that particular year.
[04:53] And they were released fresh about 2 months ago.
[04:55] And that tells us that we losing a lot of marriages.
[05:00] However, it's over uh uh uh over 1,500 more than the previous stats.
[05:06] That were given.
[05:09] That means we gaining by the thousand by the hundreds when it comes to that.
[05:13] However, you're also displacing close to 17,000 children.
[05:17] Yes.
[05:17] That means yes, in in in one statistic counting.
[05:21] Remember you when the couple is married, they also have children.
[05:24] Some are step children, some are just biological children.
[05:27] And you find that you're not just separating couples.
[05:29] You need to also deal with the children.
[05:31] So, 17,000 children on average in South Africa start to live either with their mother most predominantly or they live with their father and they have to visit the other parent or they become, you know, where they have a stepmother or a stepfather.
[05:46] And there a lot of dynamics involved in that because trauma kicks in, heartache kicks in, sadness kicks in, deformities of growth kick in, mental disorders kick in, a whole lot of things kick in that require various other specialists to kick in in order to actually resolve such a breakup in and of itself.
[06:04] So, that's how deep that matter is.
[06:06] Yeah.
[06:08] Oh, that's a that's a lot.
[06:10] I think one day we need to talk about um how divorces affect children, but more more most importantly our opening was about the 221 reversed divorces.
[06:21] I will celebrate this.
[06:22] You know, brightening the corner where you are is important.
[06:25] Even though we have divorces every day, but I'm happy that we with you we achieved that in South Africa.
[06:31] So, yeah.
[06:32] Um the world is watching.
[06:33] Today we are dealing with pleasures in marriage.
[06:38] Of marriage or pleasures in a marriage.
[06:41] How does that look like in a marriage?
[06:43] So what is pleasure?
[06:45] So so when you're dealing with marriages, um one of the there's what are called the three cornerstones.
[06:51] Okay.
[06:51] And the first cornerstone of of marriage is the agreement, the covenant that you enter into there, which is born from beliefs.
[06:58] That's very important.
[07:00] The second cornerstone now is the purpose, the destiny and what you want to fulfill within the confines of marriage.
[07:07] The third one is pleasure.
[07:09] Mhm.
[07:10] You see, you don't just enter marriage for the sake of purpose and destiny and so forth.
[07:14] There must be some fun.
[07:16] There must be some.
[07:17] Definitely.
[07:18] Some some enjoyment, some exuberance.
[07:20] There must be, you know, a little bit of everything inside when it comes to play.
[07:26] So, pleasure is powerful if it is explored within the right framework.
[07:31] This is where you can take people to worlds they have never been, worlds that, you know, they shape up a person's mind.
[07:37] They even start to love the person more.
[07:40] And there are a lot of dynamics involved to get that world to be very much enjoyable and pleasure is key.
[07:48] It's very key in marriage.
[07:50] It can win a lot when it comes to battles, fights.
[07:52] Pleasure is powerful in and of itself.
[07:55] So, there are marriages in in in the time we're living in where people are just living in what you call routine marriages.
[08:00] No pleasure, but just routine.
[08:03] You know, you wake up, you wash the kids, you know, you go to work, you know, you do all that stuff.
[08:08] That's just what you call a routine marriage.
[08:10] Then there are mechanical marriages, you know, where you have to work that thing to actually survive.
[08:17] You know, and then there are marriages with pleasure.
[08:20] These are.
[08:21] And you can see pleasure from a mile away.
[08:23] You can see somebody that walks in pleasure.
[08:26] You can see somebody that enjoys it.
[08:28] The glow.
[08:29] Yeah.
[08:29] The glow, the smile, the skin, the exuberance.
[08:31] You know, people even sit down and say, "What's going on with you?"
[08:34] And you realize that somewhere, somehow, there's pleasure in life.
[08:36] And and that's where marriages are at their peak.
[08:41] When people can smile, laugh, giggle, talk.
[08:44] And that's what we want to get into today.
[08:46] How do you get that fire right?
[08:49] You know, in a lot of perspectives.
[08:50] And and it's not everybody that has the fire right.
[08:53] Sometimes they have instances of that fire.
[08:56] Okay.
[08:57] But then there are those who actually have that fire on a permanent basis.
[08:58] And that's because there are certain matters that are not overlooked that have to be dealt with in order to get that fire right.
[09:07] You said a lot in just less than a minute.
[09:09] Yeah.
[09:09] But you talked about routine marriages.
[09:12] Yes.
[09:13] I think a lot of marriages are, you know, routine.
[09:15] Wash the kids, wake up at this time.
[09:17] We we we we we know who who does what at what time.
[09:19] And where where where do we fit in pleasure there?
[09:25] You see marriages that are built on routine what sometimes some people call transactional marriages.
[09:32] These are marriages that are based on you've got a skill, I've got a skill.
[09:36] Or you start off by loving each other and then you break into that routine crisis.
[09:40] Okay.
[09:40] And sometimes when you live in that routine crisis for a long time, marriage can become boring.
[09:45] Boring, yeah.
[09:45] And when it becomes boring now, pleasure is almost like uh it's not even an icing on top.
[09:50] It's out of I need it.
[09:52] So, I need the sex.
[09:52] I need the cuddling.
[09:55] I need this.
[09:55] It's not done out of joy, out of wanting to, you know, please the other person.
[10:00] It's done out of responsibility.
[10:03] Obligation.
[10:04] Obligation, exactly.
[10:04] And that makes a boring marriage.
[10:06] And what I've seen with a lot of couples is that when they flow into that dimension, uh they actually find themselves no.
[10:14] Longer having interest in their spouses.
[10:16] It's almost like I'm living with a brother or a sister.
[10:20] And we fight, we argue, but we clean, we uh take care of the kids, we cook, uh we wash the cars, we put petrol, uh but beyond that, there's actually no fire, there's no liveliness, and there's none of those things.
[10:33] And those are routine marriages.
[10:35] And you end up avoiding each other because with transitional relationship I've seen because I've been in one.
[10:41] Yeah.
[10:42] Where, you know, it's just routine and you just get bored.
[10:45] Of course.
[10:46] You nothing entices you.
[10:48] Nothing nothing nothing keeps you ticking, you know?
[10:52] Exactly.
[10:52] Yeah, but how do we get into that if we are already in a transitional?
[10:56] The danger with that is that if you are in a relationship of that nature, the routine type of relationship, and the person gets so bored that their interest flows outside of the union to get excitement, to get pleasure, then you've got a very difficult person.
[11:15] To restore back into the marriage.
[11:17] Remember, once you step out, once you step out, it becomes very difficult to restore.
[11:23] Now, there are people who step out of marriages because of conflict.
[11:26] Yeah.
[11:26] There are people who step out of marriages because of displeasure.
[11:30] There are people who step out of marriages because the marriage is basically a done deal.
[11:34] There's no furthering that particular relationship marriage.
[11:37] Then there are people who step out because of boredom.
[11:41] There's no excitement in the relationship.
[11:42] There's no And And this does not approve any of them stepping out.
[11:46] It just means that there are certain lackings that are taking place in the relationship that if they are dealt with properly, the person doesn't have to go outside in order to get those particular pleasures.
[11:57] Because once you bond with someone outside, whether male or female, you're going to have serious difficulty trying to go back to your spouse.
[12:06] Because remember, your mind has clinched on boredom.
[12:08] Your mind has clinched on routine.
[12:10] Your mind has clinched on that.
[12:12] So now when you look at outside, your mind is clinching on.
[12:16] Fun, pleasure, excitement.
[12:19] And you start battling between the two.
[12:21] One of the greatest secrets that I carry because I counsel men more.
[12:26] Okay.
[12:27] Um when they come in and they say, "You know what, uh Dr. Rick, I went outside."
[12:33] Mhm.
[12:34] And I've been outside for a year, 2 years.
[12:36] And I've been outside for whatever period they go for.
[12:39] One of the things that they state that really knows that helps me to know that I'm going to be dealing with the serious matter is when they say, "I'm enjoying this one outside than my own wife."
[12:52] Yeah.
[12:54] And that's when now it gets very very tricky now because remember, he's now exploring dopamine hormone.
[12:58] He's he's now exploring oxytocin.
[13:01] He's now exploring all these particular types of things.
[13:04] Gets excited to even go to those particular areas.
[13:07] And then you've also got on the same time the wife here who's dealing with demands.
[13:13] Mhm.
[13:14] Remember, a wife transaction.
[13:16] Demands.
[13:17] Mhm.
[13:18] And that's something people don't want to accept.
[13:20] A wife demands.
[13:22] A husband demands.
[13:24] Mhm.
[13:25] So once your relationship moves into the realm of demand, you'll have problems.
[13:30] So, a man will be demanding sex, he'll be demanding food, he'll be demanding this, and women can get tired of that.
[13:37] They can get sluggish of that because then they feel that they're being used.
[13:41] However, the woman can the man can also get into No, you know, you need to pay this, you need to pay that, you need to pay this.
[13:48] So, his life becomes a life of working for bills.
[13:51] And that type of pressure and frustration will increase what we call the cortisol, which is the stress hormone that is dictating the body.
[14:00] And when that thing is too high, it can get a man stepping outside to go and enjoy pleasure elsewhere.
[14:05] The same is true for the woman.
[14:07] You can find them in places where they flow into depression, they flow into sadness, they flow They try to find other stuff to actually put them into the realm where
[14:17] They'll even their own cortisol actually drops, which is the stress hormone.
[14:21] So, there are a lot of dynamics in this.
[14:24] And people don't understand this because they think that they can just talk their way out of it.
[14:30] You can't.
[14:32] I love it because you put the biological side of things so that we can have a better understanding.
[14:36] So, this stress hormone comes from this routine relationship, comes from this demanding relationship where you want to go home and they tell you, "Oh, you need to bring this home, and the kids need that, and and and you never talk about something that you enjoy."
[14:52] And I see a lot of couples are trying to bring in vacations into it, you know, trying to have an enjoyment instead of going out.
[15:01] Which habits can we adopt in a marriage to to bring the enjoyment part to to to ensure that at least there is pleasure in our marriages?
[15:12] Okay.
[15:12] The the first thing that destroys pleasure in marriage is stress.
[15:17] High pressure from workplaces.
[15:19] Businesses.
[15:22] So, if you decrease the stress, you've hit 50% of the problem already.
[15:28] And for some strange reason, people don't know how to deal with stress because stress comes from the basis of overthinking.
[15:34] When you're an overthinker, you're going to find yourself flowing into depression, which this by nature can send you down a road you don't want to come back from.
[15:42] I mean, that road that you don't want to find yourself going down on.
[15:45] And so, if you want to deal with this very well, it's the stress and the pressure of the work environment that you must first deal with.
[15:54] Number two, which is very important, surprise your partner.
[16:00] Surprise.
[16:00] Surprise.
[16:01] Surprise your partner because what happens is when you're tired, exhausted, overthinking, when you want to invoke into systems of pleasure, you will have stress trying to do that because it almost feels like a job.
[16:12] Once exploring pleasure in marriage feels like a job, you've already lost the plot.
[16:20] Already.
[16:20] Look at when couples meet in the early stages of their marriages, early stages of dating.
[16:24] Look at how everything is not a job or a responsibility.
[16:29] It's actually easy.
[16:32] It just comes automatically.
[16:34] So, once you have to work it, you have to push it, you have to do you you you you're dancing on fire if if you go about this way.
[16:41] And how do you bring yourself back from that?
[16:43] You have to first decrease the stress.
[16:46] That means that you need to look at pressure differently so that you can be able to decrease the stress.
[16:53] Remember, life is about perception.
[16:56] If your perception of something is flawed, you're not going to look at it right.
[17:00] But if your perception of something is good, you're going to look at it right.
[17:03] For example, I can look at a problem.
[17:06] And when I see a problem, I see money.
[17:10] That that's how it works.
[17:12] Everything in life that you're buying.
[17:14] Your brain works differently.
[17:15] My brain works completely different.
[17:17] A problem, we complain and complain.
[17:18] Yeah, exactly.
[17:18] And people run.
[17:18] But when.
[17:21] I see a problem, I see money because money only speaks where problems are.
[17:28] So, if we needed a bottle of water to be drinking here, right?
[17:32] So, somebody actually decided to package this, put it in a bottle, and wrap it around, put their brand on it, and put all the details that the mineral content inside of this particular water.
[17:42] We went and bought it because we needed water.
[17:46] So, there was a problem.
[17:49] Somebody provided a solution.
[17:50] We spent money for it.
[17:52] So, it's very important to have a very good perception in life.
[17:56] Some things, most things to me, they're not problems.
[17:58] They are money opportunities.
[17:59] The same is true when it comes to marriages.
[18:02] When you have a lack of pleasure in marriage, it's an opportunity to explore diverse new methods to actually bring yourself to a state of good pleasure in the marriage.
[18:14] Because what you did when you were 25 will not be the same as what you do when you are 35.
[18:18] And this is something very keen.
[18:21] In our last video, we spoke about.
[18:24] Premenopause, menopause, and postmenopause.
[18:27] And I saw a lot of people went there trying to comment and act smart.
[18:32] There's a lot of that.
[18:33] The truth is I avoided perimenopause for a for a reason.
[18:38] What is that one?
[18:39] Perimenopause is when the woman's body is transitioning into menopause.
[18:44] So, it goes through certain changes, and it's alerting you that it's about to enter into menopause.
[18:49] It's not pre now, it's peri.
[18:51] No, so that I used pre to help people understand what teenage girls would be going through, girls in their 20s, cuz none of them are in perimenopause, none of them are in menopause, none of them are in postmenopause.
[19:04] So, I used that terminology to help the layman understand that before any of these, there's this particular instance.
[19:11] However, trying to denote what men go through when they also go through a testosterone reduction within their body.
[19:19] Mhm.
[19:20] I hope.
[19:21] Yeah, I know.
[19:21] People will be able to capture this.
[19:23] So, now.
[19:25] To explore pleasure properly in marriage is not necessarily what you do when you were in your entry stages of the relationship.
[19:28] Mhm.
[19:33] It is more about how you graduate.
[19:37] Okay.
[19:37] Remember relationships require graduation because we get older.
[19:41] Mhm.
[19:42] We start to eat different.
[19:44] Our body start to change.
[19:46] We're developing.
[19:47] So, the pleasure will not be the same.
[19:49] So, we need to learn to adapt and advance and employ new methods to be able to enjoy the pleasure that must be there in the marriage.
[19:57] Orgasms will not be the same.
[20:00] Mhm.
[20:01] They, the texture of the orgasm might be the same, but there will be changes as you grow.
[20:05] Some orgasms take longer.
[20:07] Some as they grow older, they're shorter.
[20:10] You know, they start to vary these particular items.
[20:14] So, we need to understand those phases.
[20:16] But before we get into the bedroom of the pleasure, because let's start with the pleasure of the mind in the marriage.
[20:23] You know, there's two people coming together.
[20:24] We.
[20:26] see
[20:27] that a lot when people are starting to
[20:29] meet. You love, you know,
[20:31] Yes.
[20:32] Yeah. And you know, people are glowing,
[20:34] you know, the surprises are coming easy.
[20:36] Yeah.
[20:36] You know, a surprise lunch, you know,
[20:38] delivery men, the Uber
[20:40] Yes.
[20:40] Yeah, like baby, there's your
[20:42] Yeah.
[20:43] And and and and those kind of things
[20:46] fade when you start having
[20:48] Oh, yeah.
[20:48] um when you're in a marriage where you
[20:50] have kids now, you work stress and
[20:52] everything and then you become
[20:54] transactional, there's demands and all
[20:55] that. Everything that you just mentioned
[20:57] Yeah.
[20:58] to package it. So, now to bring back the
[21:00] spark because I would say
[21:02] Yeah.
[21:02] bringing back the spark and the
[21:03] enjoyment of the of of of the of the
[21:05] marriage. How does it look like?
[21:08] Okay, starting from the
[21:09] Yeah, starting from the mind when you're
[21:11] dealing with your husband or your your
[21:14] your your wife.
[21:15] Okay.
[21:15] To bring back that enjoyment or to make
[21:17] sure that you keep up and have pleasure
[21:19] in marriage. So, I don't want us to get
[21:21] to the bedroom first. Let's talk about
[21:24] a nice conversation. So, how do we deal
[21:25] with that first? There's what we call
[21:27] intellectual romance.
[21:28] Yes, sir.
[21:29] So, intellectual romance is the ability
[21:31] to explore each other's minds in a way
[21:34] that does not cause one to fall into
[21:36] stress, anger, hurt, or sensitivity
[21:40] that, you know, boils down into So,
[21:42] intellectual romance is the ability to
[21:44] communicate so nicely, emphatically,
[21:47] with intentionality that actually sparks
[21:50] up what we call a a nice dopamine
[21:53] chemical reaction in the mind.
[21:54] I knew you'd go to the dopamine
[21:56] chemical.
[21:58] Yeah.
[21:59] So, so intellectual romance assists, you
[22:01] understand, for other things to fall in
[22:03] place nicely. And what is intellectual
[22:05] romance? It's the ability to have
[22:08] conversations that are stimulating to
[22:11] the mind of the other party from the
[22:13] other party. So, so you'll notice that
[22:16] when people get married, they get into a
[22:18] lot of arguments and a lot of fights.
[22:20] And for them to have intellectual
[22:21] conversations becomes very difficult.
[22:23] But they have to first draw from that
[22:25] well in order to get into other
[22:27] From that problem, they must see
[22:28] business.
[22:29] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Intellectual romance
[22:31] is key
[22:32] Yes.
[22:33] to actually having the best of the best
[22:36] of pleasure because that's where you're
[22:38] able to stimulate the the the mental
[22:41] capacity of your husband or your wife.
[22:44] But if you don't have intellectual
[22:46] romance and you just go and you start
[22:48] with the bedroom and you flow to other
[22:50] areas from there on, you're going to rob
[22:52] yourself of true genuine intimacy.
[22:55] So, so talking, liberating each other
[22:58] speaking, and this is what draws couples
[23:00] to cuddling. This is what draws couples
[23:02] to hugging. This is what draws couples
[23:04] to kissing. This is what draws couples
[23:06] to touching, caressing, rubbing. All
[23:09] these particular factors, they all start
[23:12] from intellectual romance. The ability
[23:15] to talk, knowing how to deal with your
[23:17] wife, how to position your wife, how to
[23:19] position your husband. That all starts
[23:21] from that intellectual romance. Messages
[23:24] through the day. All these particular
[23:25] factors. However, it's very difficult
[23:28] when you have an emotional drawback to
[23:31] explore intellectual romance.
[23:33] What do I mean by that? Resentment.
[23:36] Yeah, resentment, anger, bitterness, all
[23:40] these toxicities. Yeah, trauma. They can
[23:43] nullify. They can bring to naught the
[23:46] ability to have intellectual romance.
[23:48] And for you to get into intellectual
[23:51] romance properly, there must be a state
[23:53] of forgiveness. There must be a state of
[23:55] liberating your consciousness from those
[23:58] particular toxicities so that you can be
[24:01] able to enter properly into intellectual
[24:04] romance. That's a breeding ground for
[24:07] true pleasure in marriage. And a lot of
[24:09] people can't enter intellectual romance
[24:12] because they're not willing to forsake
[24:14] these other areas that actually toxify
[24:17] the relationship where it is at that
[24:19] particular moment. And And how do you
[24:21] now know that you are in intellectual
[24:24] romance? This is where when you speak,
[24:26] there's laughter. There's joy. There's
[24:29] celebration. There's looking at each
[24:32] other with so much exuberance and
[24:34] excitement. You know, the the person's
[24:37] face brings pleasure just by looking at
[24:39] it.
[24:40] The The This is when you know there's
[24:42] intellectual romance. The ability to
[24:44] talk properly to one another without
[24:47] necessarily holding back. You know, all
[24:49] this brings in a powerful gesture when
[24:53] it comes to the relationship. And
[24:54] there's a lot of marriages that are not
[24:56] in intellectual romance because they're
[24:58] still struggling with sensitivity. He
[25:01] hurt me. She did this. She did that.
[25:04] Toxicness, resentment, depression,
[25:07] pressure, demands, and all those types
[25:09] of things they stop the true flow of
[25:12] intellectual romance.
[25:13] So, would you say that there's
[25:16] forgiveness that needs to take place
[25:17] before you can bring the enjoyment?
[25:20] By nature, life brings us problems.
[25:22] Mhm.
[25:23] And when life brings us problems, it's a
[25:25] it's a show that we are born to woman
[25:28] and we are born to men. So, by nature,
[25:31] life will give us problems. And by it
[25:34] giving us problems, how we perceive
[25:36] those problems will determine our level
[25:38] of maturity.
[25:39] Mhm.
[25:40] So, if we take the problems and we make
[25:42] it about the other person and not take
[25:43] accountability to actually play our part
[25:46] in resolving the problem in a state of
[25:48] maturity, we then land up in stuff like
[25:50] depression, resentment, toxicity, and
[25:53] all those types of things because it's
[25:55] actually unmasking the quality of
[25:58] mindset we have when it comes to the
[26:00] perception of problems and which
[26:02] problems are a natural cause of life
[26:05] because of of the way we're living.
[26:07] Mhm.
[26:07] So, now if we can't deal with that, we
[26:10] then we know we are not mature and we
[26:12] can't dive into intellectual romance.
[26:15] And why is intellectual romance easy
[26:18] when a relationship is starting? Because
[26:20] there are certain things we don't know
[26:21] about each other.
[26:22] yes.
[26:23] And we're still growing to know all
[26:25] those particular items. And once we know
[26:27] them properly and emphatically, we start
[26:29] to get offended
[26:31] Yeah.
[26:31] by some of the realities that we're
[26:33] coming across and we find ourselves not
[26:35] having the real goal and the gut to
[26:38] actually deal with those particular
[26:40] matters.
[26:40] Sadly. But then, um
[26:42] I I I I hear you. What you're saying,
[26:45] it's easier for the couple that's
[26:47] starting off.
[26:48] Yes.
[26:49] The intellectual stimulation and all
[26:52] that. But then
[26:54] I'm thinking of a couple that's already
[26:56] married for 7, 10 years
[26:58] Yes.
[26:58] and they want to start their enjoyment.
[27:01] Yeah.
[27:01] Um the resentment that is there, the
[27:04] trauma that is there, the unforgiveness
[27:05] that is there.
[27:07] Now we want to bring it back. We want to
[27:09] have this pleasure. I don't want to go
[27:11] out. I don't want to lose my wife.
[27:13] Obviously, some they don't want to lose
[27:14] because they're afraid to lose the 50%.
[27:17] But then
[27:18] income you have a lot of property.
[27:19] Yes, you know, if I leave, hey, half of
[27:21] everything that I work for is gone, you
[27:23] know. So I just have to stay here and
[27:25] pretend that I'm here, but I'm not here.
[27:27] But to help that kind of a couple
[27:29] uh and our viewers
[27:31] Mhm.
[27:31] who are listening and like, okay, I want
[27:33] this enjoyment in my marriage. What
[27:35] advice would you give them to say start
[27:37] there? Luckily, I'm supposed to meet
[27:40] someone.
[27:40] Yeah.
[27:41] If I do and then I will start there.
[27:42] Okay.
[27:43] So I'm I'm learning. But then how do we
[27:45] help the couple that is already in the
[27:47] marriage and
[27:49] it doesn't look like
[27:50] Basically, they're stuck.
[27:51] Yeah, we are stuck. We are just here
[27:53] transactional, you know. You give me
[27:55] money, I give you sex, you take care of
[27:56] the kids, you wash that, you help with
[27:58] homework, you know, it's just a
[28:00] timetable day. We know it's a routine.
[28:02] It's a It's a very good question, by the
[28:04] way. And so, how do you deal with it
[28:06] properly? The first thing to understand
[28:08] is that you have to confront matters.
[28:11] The ability to avoid confrontation
[28:15] is your downfall to getting yourself
[28:19] into that stage. Truth becomes a very
[28:21] uncomfortable place.
[28:23] Yes.
[28:24] And and that's what we need to accept
[28:25] first, that truth must be explored.
[28:28] Mhm.
[28:29] We have a generation of people that
[28:31] doesn't like the truth and therefore
[28:33] they can't get out of this area where
[28:35] they are distorted and and have a
[28:37] marriage that cannot work in pleasure.
[28:39] So once you first accept the truth, you
[28:41] must deal with what we what I call
[28:44] vulnerable conversations.
[28:46] All right.
[28:47] This is where uh the husband and wife
[28:49] must express themselves without
[28:51] judgment.
[28:52] Mhm.
[28:52] And without trying to shift the blame.
[28:55] Without You must express that that I'm
[28:58] not happy with this. She's not happy
[28:59] with that. He's not happy with this.
[29:01] Mhm.
[29:02] And what happens that if you take
[29:03] responsibility for that, you will find
[29:06] yourself be rebuilding your relationship
[29:09] back to normality.
[29:10] Mhm.
[29:10] The problem is when we become defensive,
[29:13] which is an which is an element and a
[29:15] source of pride.
[29:16] Sadly.
[29:17] Once we become defensive, we are no
[29:19] longer having vulnerable conversations
[29:21] because now I'm speaking to a mask.
[29:23] Oh.
[29:24] Pride by nature hides the true reality
[29:27] of what I'm trying to unearth in order
[29:30] to get this matter out of the way so
[29:31] that I can enjoy what I what I started
[29:35] enjoying from the inception.
[29:36] From the inception.
[29:37] So that's the first phase. I must
[29:39] confront the actual problem and become
[29:42] vulnerable enough to accept my wrongs so
[29:45] that we can be able to resolve this
[29:47] particular problem.
[29:48] Mhm.
[29:49] Second thing that you need to do, when
[29:51] the vulnerable talk has taken place and
[29:53] you realize that I am not able to pierce
[29:56] through my partner, this is where a
[29:58] professional third party must kick in.
[30:01] All right.
[30:01] To be able to break into a safe space
[30:04] and an atmosphere where I can be able to
[30:07] share some of the displeasures that I'm
[30:09] having properly and in a constructive
[30:12] environment.
[30:13] Very different from trying to have
[30:15] family setups.
[30:16] Mhm.
[30:16] Where your own mother will fight for you
[30:18] and your own father will fight for you.
[30:19] And my uncle will say something off and
[30:21] make it worse.
[30:22] Exactly. Your in-laws kick in and you've
[30:24] got a problem. So it needs to be a safe
[30:26] environment where somebody who has the
[30:28] skill to build constructive
[30:30] conversations from criticism
[30:32] Oh, yes.
[30:32] is is actually invited. And this is
[30:34] where now you are able to then go
[30:36] further deeply into vulnerable
[30:38] conversations where now at the end of it
[30:40] all, it's all about saying I'm sorry.
[30:43] That I messed up, that I did this, that
[30:45] I did that, and I'm sorry that I went
[30:47] down this road.
[30:48] However, I want to fix. I want to make
[30:50] things better, and I want us to reach a
[30:52] very good magnitude. Can you forgive me
[30:55] for this that I did? And that takes a
[30:58] certain level of maturity to actually
[31:01] get into.
[31:02] And and and humble. Humble yourself.
[31:04] Exactly. That's why I say marriages are
[31:06] actually for humble people. They are not
[31:08] designed for prideful people.
[31:10] And so once you enter that, you're
[31:12] piercing into a graduation in your
[31:14] relationship. Because you are entering
[31:17] you're passing a test that you were
[31:19] failing dismally at. And now you're
[31:21] entering a new region, and that's where
[31:23] now you're going to explore a different
[31:24] caliber of pleasure because you are
[31:26] knowing certain things about your spouse
[31:29] that you were not aware of in the
[31:30] inception of the relationship.
[31:32] But since you are in this space of
[31:34] counseling, I'm sure you've dealt with
[31:36] couples who are like that. Do you think
[31:38] that after
[31:40] let's say they have decided to humble
[31:43] themselves and face this um
[31:45] uh uh
[31:46] problem that they have.
[31:48] Do you think that the bond can be
[31:49] stronger than before when they met?
[31:52] Oh, yeah.
[31:52] Or is just going to be there, but
[31:55] The the the bond is run uh it it it in
[31:57] one of my videos I stated that the bond
[31:59] is run by what we call the oxytocin
[32:02] hormone or chemical. And what that does
[32:04] is that it helps us to continue bonding
[32:06] together. But for that to be at its
[32:09] best, it doesn't work around uh toxicity
[32:12] and resentment and hate. Uh
[32:15] Let's Let's break down one thing very
[32:17] clearly.
[32:18] Uh There are spouses that hate each
[32:20] other.
[32:21] They are spouses
[32:22] They're actually enemies.
[32:23] Exactly. Enemies to the core. Almost
[32:26] like Satan and Jesus. They're They're
[32:28] Unfortunately, sadly, we need to talk
[32:30] about that one day because
[32:31] There are spouses that resent each other
[32:34] heavily for that matter. And so we need
[32:36] to we need to first understand that how
[32:39] do you get into pleasure in marriage
[32:42] with such atmospheres in the house that
[32:45] even the children are able to pick up
[32:47] that our own parents resent each other.
[32:50] Yeah.
[32:51] Our own parents hate each other. And so,
[32:53] you've got a long way to play from
[32:55] there, but let's draw a little bit back
[32:57] now, just to breed a new a section of
[33:00] the conversation.
[33:01] Mhm.
[33:02] Pleasure was not designed
[33:04] for people to just explore.
[33:07] Pleasure has an environment. Pleasure
[33:09] has an atmosphere.
[33:10] Oh, yes.
[33:11] And pleasure has a certain way of being
[33:14] acted upon in order to give you the
[33:17] results that you need. And that's
[33:19] something people don't understand.
[33:21] That's why when you are fighting with
[33:22] your partner and you touch your partner,
[33:25] there's this energy that flows that
[33:27] everyone knows that energy. You know,
[33:29] let's say you're sleeping on the bed
[33:32] and then your your husband uh rubs his
[33:35] leg next to yours.
[33:36] I'm done yet.
[33:37] Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, don't even
[33:39] bother to to to touch me. That energy
[33:42] Mhm.
[33:42] is a sign that you cannot enter pleasure
[33:46] in marriage. And that energy has to go,
[33:48] but where is that energy born from? It's
[33:51] born from bitterness, hatred, anger,
[33:54] resentment. That's how you know that
[33:55] energy is there. And that energy for you
[33:58] to get rid of it, there must first be a
[34:00] vulnerable talk.
[34:01] Okay.
[34:01] And most couples cannot enter a
[34:04] vulnerable talk because they've entered
[34:06] the realm of pride. And pride by nature
[34:09] blocks progress. And when there's no
[34:12] progress, you cannot enrich that
[34:14] particular area of your life.
[34:16] I'm learning. I'm learning. It's a lot.
[34:19] So,
[34:20] so humbleness, vulnerableness will get
[34:23] us into the pleasure.
[34:24] Of course.
[34:25] All right. So, does pleasure in the
[34:28] bedroom now, we can just move to the
[34:29] bedroom now.
[34:30] Yes.
[34:31] Does pleasure in the bedroom
[34:32] Mhm.
[34:33] uh work out work things out or bring the
[34:36] pleasure that stimulating the mind bring
[34:39] those conversation
[34:41] Can I use sex or can I use the conjugal
[34:45] um
[34:45] Yeah.
[34:46] you know
[34:46] Mhm.
[34:47] to bring back the pleasure?
[34:49] Look.
[34:49] Can it start there before it can start
[34:51] in the mind?
[34:52] Sex is a very powerful machinery and if
[34:55] it's well understood
[34:57] that machinery can do wonders in a
[35:00] marriage. It can solve problems. It can
[35:02] even bring problems.
[35:04] Mhm.
[35:04] Uh sex in and of itself must be
[35:06] understood for what it was first
[35:08] designed for. That's number one,
[35:10] procreation. Number two, pleasure.
[35:13] Number three,
[35:14] Is it not pleasure first and creation
[35:16] after?
[35:16] People will say pleasure first but when
[35:18] we look at the elements of creation in
[35:20] the Bible, it was first designed for
[35:23] procreation. However, in the mix of
[35:25] procreation comes pleasure as a
[35:27] secondary voice.
[35:29] Okay.
[35:29] Once you deal with pleasure and so
[35:31] forth, the third voice of it is that it
[35:33] must ultimately bond you.
[35:35] Mhm.
[35:36] So, sex is not just sex. You know, when
[35:38] a man erects for example
[35:40] Mhm.
[35:40] it is blood that goes there to actually
[35:43] erect the man. The same bone in on on
[35:45] your nose, the same bone a man has down
[35:47] there.
[35:48] The the the the now with the woman as
[35:50] well, yes.
[35:51] Bone or muscle?
[35:52] Yes. Yes. There's a bone there but the
[35:55] soft white
[35:56] I'm learning today.
[35:57] However, but for the penis to erect
[36:00] Mhm.
[36:00] it is blood that gashes down there. The
[36:02] same with woman. For her to actually
[36:05] bring proper, you know, stimulation,
[36:08] proper uh
[36:09] arousal if I must put it that way, she
[36:12] also has blood gushing there. So, when a
[36:15] penis and a vagina meets, it's actually
[36:17] an interaction of blood. That is why we
[36:20] actually say that covenants are actually
[36:22] shifting at the same time.
[36:23] Yeah.
[36:24] Because that area is a mixing of blood.
[36:26] Very important this, and that is why a
[36:28] third party is not allowed in the
[36:31] confines of the marriage because you are
[36:34] actually bringing another compartment of
[36:37] blood into that particular union. And
[36:40] when you bring it inside, it becomes
[36:42] very difficult to forget that party
[36:45] because that party now also shares, it
[36:48] becomes part. And that is why it's very
[36:51] important now to understand that sex is
[36:54] a sacred machinery.
[36:56] It was not designed for the public, it
[36:58] was not designed for children, it was
[37:00] designed for adults. And if you don't
[37:02] understand its force and its work, you
[37:04] will find yourself using it for
[37:06] pleasure, but not using it for bonding
[37:08] and not using it for procreation. Which
[37:10] is where South Africa is right now. We
[37:13] using a sex for pleasure, but not
[37:17] bonding and not procreation. And because
[37:20] we are using it only for pleasure, we
[37:22] don't understand the other dynamics
[37:23] involved when it comes to the job of
[37:26] sex. And and so we end up just enjoying
[37:30] one dimension of it. We end up talking
[37:32] about one dimension of it, and we don't
[37:35] understand the other dimension that sex
[37:37] actually produces in and of itself.
[37:39] When you go inside a woman,
[37:43] I spoke about the feeling that a man
[37:45] has, the pleasure that a man has.
[37:48] And you spoke about fainting as well.
[37:49] I'm still yet to find out who fainted.
[37:52] Exactly. You know,
[37:54] that's because
[37:55] I want to show you a different aspects
[37:57] to it as well. We speak about what a man
[37:59] feels, but we don't talk about what a
[38:01] woman feels.
[38:02] Oh, yeah.
[38:03] And and a lot of men don't understand
[38:05] that when a woman is feeling you when
[38:08] you are inside her, she's in a whole
[38:10] different world.
[38:12] And and that world is very serious
[38:14] because for her, it's extreme pleasure
[38:17] at its best.
[38:19] The fact that somebody that I love,
[38:22] somebody that I covenanted, somebody
[38:24] that I gave children, somebody that I
[38:27] willfully gave my life over to, is
[38:29] actually inside me. And I'm loving this
[38:32] person to bits, and I'm enjoying them.
[38:35] That stuff has value to a woman. Serious
[38:38] value for that matter. However,
[38:40] sometimes men can look at it as, "Oh,
[38:43] yeah, it's just sex."
[38:44] Mhm.
[38:44] And that's where they lose the plot.
[38:46] Yeah, with women it becomes very, very
[38:49] serious.
[38:49] Oh, yeah.
[38:50] You know, it it's it's it it it gets to
[38:52] that point.
[38:52] Yeah.
[38:53] But men just it's just for pleasure.
[38:55] For some of them it's just simply, "Ah,
[38:57] you know what? I had sex, I had
[38:58] pleasure, got an orgasm. You know what?
[39:00] Ah, it's over. I'll see you next week."
[39:02] But that's not like that for a woman.
[39:05] So, with a woman you're dealing with
[39:07] much more than that, cuz remember, women
[39:10] love touching, kissing, hugging,
[39:13] caressing, rubbing them, um
[39:17] touching their scalp, touching where the
[39:19] most nerves are, which is this
[39:21] particular area. You know, they love all
[39:24] these particular stuff. And when a man
[39:26] doesn't practice those particular
[39:27] things, they often times feel the man
[39:31] doesn't love me. To them it doesn't
[39:33] interpret,
[39:34] "Come and touch me now." No, to them it
[39:36] interprets, "This person does not love
[39:38] me." Because their bodies were designed
[39:40] as receptive mechanism.
[39:41] Yeah.
[39:42] So, they were designed to receive touch,
[39:45] sex, sperm,
[39:47] words of affirmation and so forth. They
[39:49] absorb that, and that makes them explode
[39:52] like flowers or roses when they're, you
[39:54] know, coming up in the spring, which is
[39:56] very important.
[39:57] that's that's why women don't even
[40:01] prefer,
[40:02] um
[40:03] what do you call it? Um penetration.
[40:06] They rather have you caressing them, the
[40:08] time you spend with them, you bond with
[40:10] them, kissing them somewhere, and all
[40:12] that.
[40:12] Yeah.
[40:13] So, going back to my question is that
[40:16] can that sex
[40:19] then bring you to the vulnerability
[40:21] where you bring the enjoyment back?
[40:23] Oh, yeah, it can.
[40:24] It can do that.
[40:25] Oh, yeah, it can.
[40:26] But it takes humble people.
[40:27] It takes humble people. It takes people
[40:29] that are willing to confront the
[40:31] problems that they have and discuss them
[40:34] properly. Remember, sex is not a one
[40:37] answer to the whole caliber of marriage.
[40:41] But however, it plays a great role to
[40:43] the level of intimacy, bonding, and so
[40:46] forth.
[40:47] Mhm.
[40:47] If remember a woman must lubricate in
[40:51] order for the men to penetrate her.
[40:54] Yeah.
[40:54] And he has to play a certain role to get
[40:57] her to a state of maximum lubrication.
[41:00] Okay.
[41:00] And that means that you need to play the
[41:02] role of you know, affection.
[41:05] Yeah.
[41:05] Affection is a language men don't
[41:07] understand.
[41:08] And women understand it very well
[41:10] because they know what it does to their
[41:12] bodies.
[41:13] Exactly.
[41:13] And and so if a man cannot explore
[41:16] affection, he cannot enjoy the
[41:19] the maximum peak of what the body of his
[41:22] wife is capable of doing.
[41:24] Mhm.
[41:25] Because affection has not been explored.
[41:27] However, when a man has grown to resent
[41:30] an unlistening wife,
[41:31] Mhm.
[41:32] when he has grown to resent a wife that
[41:35] does not listen to his leadership, does
[41:37] not move with him, does not respect him,
[41:40] Yeah.
[41:40] even if she wants the affection, he
[41:42] won't give it. He will just want the sex
[41:44] and go because of the sake of bring him
[41:48] to a state of peace in terms of
[41:49] releasing the tension that is within his
[41:52] body.
[41:53] True.
[41:53] This is where I always tell women you
[41:54] have to be very careful
[41:56] Mhm.
[41:56] because a man can have sex with you but
[41:58] not like your body.
[42:00] Mhm.
[42:00] He can have sex with you but not see
[42:02] your body anymore. He can have sex with
[42:04] you but not even love you anymore. He
[42:06] can have sex with you but not even value
[42:08] you or appreciate you anymore. And
[42:10] that's where men become dangerous
[42:12] because they can get into the act for
[42:14] the selfish satisfaction of tension
[42:16] release, but not for the sake of
[42:18] bonding.
[42:19] And this is where women now get the
[42:21] message wrong, because they think if my
[42:23] man is now really involved with me, he's
[42:27] actually, you know, bonding with me. And
[42:29] you realize that this man
[42:30] there. His mind is not there.
[42:31] His mind is far.
[42:32] Yeah.
[42:33] I know I've I've gotten men in my
[42:35] counseling sessions, a variety of them,
[42:38] who'd actually tell me that for them to
[42:40] even come to an orgasmic state, they
[42:42] have to think about their secretaries.
[42:44] They have to think about, you know, some
[42:47] lady they saw somewhere. Oh, yeah, no,
[42:48] I've seen situations like that. And
[42:50] remember, they're saying this because
[42:52] they want to solve. Some are saying this
[42:54] because they see a problem with it. So,
[42:56] we normally don't judge them. We have to
[42:58] bring them to a state of, "Okay, where
[43:00] did it start? Where does it come from?
[43:02] It's clear you want to win over this,
[43:04] and we're not judging you, but now we
[43:06] want to get you back to a normal state
[43:08] of thinking." It is diabolical when you
[43:11] have to think about an somebody else's
[43:14] wife
[43:16] to reach an orgasmic state with your own
[43:18] wife.
[43:19] And then on top of that, still sleep on
[43:21] the same bed with your own wife. Uh,
[43:23] that's a massive problem. The same can
[43:25] happen for women as well, where they
[43:27] have to think about another person's
[43:28] husband
[43:30] in order to get pleasure from their own
[43:32] husband. And then on top of that, still
[43:34] sleep on the same bed. Why? Because we
[43:37] are not solving the the plethora of
[43:39] problems that are sitting in the union.
[43:42] So, we have to use somebody else's
[43:44] visual stimulus to be able to help us to
[43:48] enjoy in the bedroom. That's when you
[43:50] know that the marriage is on the rocks.
[43:53] Literally, the marriage is is literally
[43:55] over, because it's just a matter of time
[43:57] before that man or that woman decides to
[43:59] step out in that particular union, where
[44:02] they have to use other people. So, I
[44:04] always tell women, stay attractive in
[44:07] the marriage. There's this terminology
[44:09] called divorce glow.
[44:11] Very
[44:12] very interesting.
[44:13] We we stay attractive by keeping quiet.
[44:16] No. No. No.
[44:17] So, so divorce glow is where people get
[44:20] out of marriages. They get divorced and
[44:23] for some strange reason after divorcing,
[44:25] this person now is fit. This person now
[44:28] is you know, moving themselves higher.
[44:31] So, what a divorce glow is to me
[44:34] is showing me the state of failure you
[44:37] brought to a marriage
[44:39] that you could not explore because you
[44:42] had literally went into a state of
[44:44] laziness.
[44:45] And therefore, when you got out, you saw
[44:48] an opportunity to actually explore what
[44:50] you should have given that particular
[44:52] man or woman. And now you are bragging
[44:55] about glowing when actually you should
[44:58] have been having that glow in the union.
[45:00] So, now when you get out now you're
[45:02] like, "Yeah, I've made it. I've put all
[45:05] these types of stuff inside." Why did
[45:07] you gym when you got divorced?
[45:09] Why not gym when you were married? Why
[45:11] did you now use makeup when you got
[45:13] divorced? Why not use it when you were
[45:14] married?
[45:15] I was under pressure with this man and
[45:18] this routine and transactions and all of
[45:20] that. I didn't have my own time. Now I
[45:22] realize my worth when I'm out of the
[45:24] marriage.
[45:25] Yeah, but then that's called
[45:27] that's called balance. Remember you
[45:29] can't you can't get married when you
[45:31] can't explore balance. Balance is an art
[45:34] of life.
[45:35] Yeah.
[45:35] So, if you can't explore balance and you
[45:37] enter the union and then you say, "No,
[45:39] but I'm slacking now because now I've
[45:41] got all these pressures of of life."
[45:43] That means the person was not trained
[45:45] for marriage.
[45:46] The person must be trained for marriage
[45:48] to understand how it flows and how to
[45:50] actually deal with it. But now if the
[45:53] person has to glow after they are
[45:54] divorced
[45:55] No, we need you now.
[45:57] You know, when you're oppressed in a in
[45:59] in a marriage
[46:00] Yeah.
[46:01] and when you get out of that and you
[46:02] it's like who saw.
[46:04] Yeah.
[46:04] Finally.
[46:05] Yeah.
[46:05] And now you say, "Okay, I need to be
[46:07] fit. I need to look this. I need to look
[46:09] that." Everything that you couldn't do
[46:11] in a marriage because you would
[46:12] Why do you go to your gym?
[46:14] You go for men with abs because now I
[46:16] have a effort belly and whatnot. People
[46:18] complain. So, there are marriages that
[46:20] way people like kids, but as I
[46:21] collaborate today on that one.
[46:23] Yeah. We'll talk about it.
[46:25] We'll talk about it some other time, but
[46:27] I I hear what you're saying. So, the
[46:29] pleasure in marriage
[46:30] Yes.
[46:31] Um
[46:32] I don't want us to limit it to just in
[46:35] the bedroom.
[46:36] Mhm.
[46:36] We we also need to come back. So, we
[46:38] have established that um
[46:40] when when when sex is good, it can bring
[46:42] the humbleness, it can bring the joy and
[46:44] all that. How does a family that have
[46:46] that pleasure
[46:47] Mhm.
[46:48] look like and how does it affect the
[46:50] children as well? Because I know that
[46:52] children play a big part on it. Say,
[46:54] "I'm not having pleasure because you
[46:56] know, I have to look after the kids
[46:58] Yeah.
[46:58] and school holidays they're here. You
[47:00] know, kids today they don't it's not
[47:02] like the olden days where they can visit
[47:04] anywhere
[47:05] Mhm.
[47:05] and visit the grandmother and all that
[47:07] and and be in other family setups.
[47:10] Okay.
[47:10] You know, we always
[47:11] Yeah.
[47:12] in our own
[47:13] Come again?
[47:13] by ourselves and and and we don't have
[47:16] chance to have the pleasure.
[47:18] Okay, if you want to have a raw
[47:20] pleasure,
[47:21] Mhm.
[47:21] raw and I'm going to I'm going to put it
[47:23] very nicely, especially for marriages
[47:25] family setups,
[47:26] Yeah.
[47:27] you must have money.
[47:29] Okay.
[47:30] Must have money.
[47:31] economy in South Africa.
[47:32] have money.
[47:33] All right.
[47:34] Money
[47:35] uh
[47:35] Money talks.
[47:36] Money is a difficult object to get for
[47:39] the untrained mind.
[47:41] What?
[47:42] But it is a very easy object to get to a
[47:45] trained mind that understands the flow
[47:47] of economics.
[47:48] Okay.
[47:49] This is very important for marriages.
[47:51] Yeah.
[47:52] The quality of money in a household to
[47:55] determines the quality of minds in a
[47:57] household.
[47:58] This is not an attack. It's a basis to
[48:01] help people reach the full magnitude of
[48:04] what they can achieve if they've got the
[48:05] right quality of mind.
[48:08] Money can solve many problems. You know,
[48:10] even the very Bible people read
[48:12] Oh, yes.
[48:13] states that money answereth
[48:15] everything.
[48:17] You know, and even blood is a price. I
[48:21] mean, is is a currency.
[48:22] It's a currency. It's got a currency.
[48:24] Yeah, you were you were bought by blood
[48:28] when you were saved. So, money, the
[48:31] currency of life, is an important
[48:33] mandate to bring pleasure in marriage.
[48:36] So, the the notion that uh
[48:39] uh we must live broke lives in marriages
[48:42] and so forth is very unrealistic. Yes,
[48:45] we do understand people are at degree
[48:47] certain degrees of growth financially in
[48:50] their lives and we do respect that. But,
[48:53] money is a very strong antidote to
[48:56] pleasure when it comes to marriage. Now,
[48:59] imagine
[49:00] and I'm going to give an example now.
[49:03] Imagine your husband can come home one
[49:05] day
[49:06] and just park a BMW 5 Series there and
[49:08] say, "It's yours."
[49:09] Hallelujah.
[49:10] You'll be very excited. I'm telling you,
[49:12] you'll even take the key, you'll jump.
[49:13] I'm sure you'll even run out the gate.
[49:15] You understand? But, he can also come
[49:17] home with no car, nothing and say, "Ah,
[49:19] ngiyakuthanda or I love you ondenifuna."
[49:22] And then you sit down there, he's like,
[49:23] "Yeah, no, I love you, too." But, you
[49:24] sit down and you go watch your TV.
[49:27] But, the the the type of excitement that
[49:29] comes when that man puts a car in your
[49:32] hand, it hits different. I'm telling
[49:34] you, you'll have sex doing somersaults.
[49:37] I'm telling you. When when that type of
[49:40] of item is there. Now, imagine you come
[49:43] back home and he says, "Look, I'm taking
[49:46] you to uh
[49:47] to Sandton and the Diamond Walk, for
[49:50] example." And he says, "Look, I'm going
[49:51] to put a shirt of Louis Vuitton on you
[49:54] and I'm going to do that. I'm telling
[49:56] you, you will sit down, you will walk
[49:57] out there smiling.
[49:59] Yeah.
[49:59] You understand why?
[50:00] Enjoyment and money.
[50:02] Money is a very strong
[50:04] element of pleasure. And and that is why
[50:07] it's a necessity to have in a marriage.
[50:10] And if one does not have it, there will
[50:12] be certain stuff. You know there are
[50:13] certain fights you fight in a marriage
[50:15] simply because of lack of money.
[50:16] Yeah.
[50:16] And if the money was there, those fights
[50:18] would not exist. You understand? So so
[50:21] people just they just, you know, get
[50:23] into fights. So the greatest aim of a
[50:25] couple is to make sure this resource
[50:28] called money is in the household. Why?
[50:30] Because it's able to cater to a lot of
[50:32] stuff. You can fight right now over the
[50:34] school fees of children.
[50:36] Yeah, and
[50:37] And even not have sex. Yeah, damages the
[50:39] You don't even have sex that particular
[50:41] night. You won't even do a whole lot of
[50:43] things. You won't even look at him
[50:44] properly or her properly anymore because
[50:47] literally just a mere 2,000 or 900 for
[50:51] school fees has not been paid. And and
[50:53] you find yourself fighting over that and
[50:55] you think the marriage is falling. No,
[50:57] no, the marriage is not falling. It's
[50:59] the perception of money and the fact
[51:01] that there's a lack of it. So the number
[51:03] one element of pleasure, if you want to
[51:05] talk about family,
[51:07] Yeah.
[51:07] is money. It needs to be there. You need
[51:10] to make it. You need to make sure that
[51:12] that thing is it's saved. You need to
[51:14] manage it very well. But if you don't
[51:16] have that particular item, like I always
[51:18] tell some men, there are some women you
[51:20] cannot get unless you have money.
[51:23] Hey, good evening. It's it's it's it's
[51:25] too much. Well, money, um I'm sure you
[51:29] will agree with me that
[51:31] a lot of problems are there because
[51:33] there is no money.
[51:34] Of course.
[51:34] The economy is bad. When the man loses
[51:36] the job, the marriage falls apart and
[51:39] all of that.
[51:40] But then
[51:42] we come to a situation where
[51:46] we right now there's a lot of um social
[51:49] media. We have Wi-Fis, we have data, we
[51:51] have all that. I'm seeing a lot of
[51:53] couples doing funny things and they Does
[51:56] that also contribute to bringing
[51:58] enjoyment if we move away from money a
[52:00] bit? Cuz I I've seen some using um you
[52:03] know what um what do you call it? The
[52:04] flower and you know, playing games
[52:06] there. I And I think it's cute. But,
[52:09] that counts as um
[52:12] a way of having pleasure.
[52:14] Never trust a marriage that comes from a
[52:16] content creator.
[52:18] What?
[52:19] Let me tell you today.
[52:23] Never trust a marriage that is flaunted
[52:26] online that comes from a content
[52:28] creator.
[52:29] Mhm.
[52:30] Because content pays.
[52:33] It's money.
[52:35] Okay.
[52:36] So, they can be fighting horribly at
[52:38] home, but looking very good online.
[52:42] Mhm.
[52:43] Why do I need to show how happy my
[52:46] marriage is online?
[52:48] Why do I need to do that?
[52:50] I'm flaunting it. I have it.
[52:52] about flaunting it, but most of them
[52:54] online, if you look at their statuses,
[52:56] in just 5 years, 4 years, 3 years,
[52:58] they're divorcing.
[53:00] So, what do I learn from such a couple?
[53:03] The people we must learn about great
[53:05] marriages from are the quiet ones.
[53:08] Is it?
[53:09] The ones who don't flaunt.
[53:11] The ones who have beautiful marriages,
[53:12] you can see them from afar off, but
[53:15] their their their joy is sacred.
[53:17] Mhm.
[53:17] Their pleasure is sacred. Their you
[53:20] know, I I learned about marriages from
[53:23] old age homes.
[53:24] I was going to say, I take it because
[53:25] you are a marriage counselor. You deal
[53:27] with with with couples every day. But,
[53:29] for anyone else to say that, I would
[53:31] argue until you know, the sun. Because I
[53:34] I don't understand. I felt like uh when
[53:37] they do that, it makes them uh keep the
[53:40] bond. It makes them enjoy the publicity,
[53:42] enjoy, you know, all of that. And
[53:46] You know, a show, eh,
[53:48] is just a show.
[53:50] That's what it remains as.
[53:51] It's drama, action, cut.
[53:52] People with beautiful marriages
[53:55] are hiding them.
[53:57] Mhm.
[53:58] They are hiding them.
[54:00] If you show And I want you to notice
[54:02] something. If you show a genuinely
[54:04] authentic, beautiful marriage online,
[54:06] Mhm.
[54:06] watch the comments. Ah, wait until he
[54:09] cheats.
[54:09] Yeah.
[54:10] Now, wait until he cheats. But how come
[54:11] they don't write for those ones
[54:14] who are always posting every day and
[54:16] it's comedy and it's this? How come they
[54:18] don't write for those ones? But when
[54:20] somebody is authentic, genuine, and
[54:22] they're enjoying, you will How come they
[54:24] write for those ones? People with
[54:26] beautiful marriages, they hide that
[54:28] stuff. People with children that are
[54:30] flourishing, they hide that stuff.
[54:32] Why hide? Because now it's becoming like
[54:35] there is no good marriage and people are
[54:37] not are not motivated to get into the
[54:39] marriage space. People are even
[54:40] deciding, I don't want marriage, I just
[54:42] want to chow and go. I just want someone
[54:44] to love with, someone to chat with, but
[54:46] I'm not interested. And a lot of women
[54:48] also now are moving into sex toys.
[54:51] Yeah.
[54:51] They'll tell you, "No, I'll rather use
[54:52] my sex toy."
[54:53] Yeah.
[54:53] There's this story about um a lady who
[54:55] called in the radio, I think sometime
[54:57] back, I think last year.
[54:58] Mhm.
[54:59] I'm I'm driving, I'm listening to the
[55:00] radio. And this woman comes in and said,
[55:02] I don't know what was the topic about,
[55:04] but I remember hearing this woman
[55:05] saying, "You know, my nanny from Lesotho
[55:08] uh took off with some of my stuff. I
[55:11] don't care about any other stuff, but
[55:12] why did she take my sex toys?"
[55:14] Sex toys.
[55:16] And I was like,
[55:17] So, I got to know that, you know, a lot
[55:19] of women are moving into that space.
[55:22] So, um it's a problem because if they
[55:25] hide if Why hide and not and not showing
[55:27] off? Because we're getting a lot of
[55:29] negative publicity, people divorcing,
[55:31] people not making it, celebrities and
[55:33] all that. But why the good ones not, you
[55:36] know, exploring that and showing us how
[55:38] good marriages are like.
[55:40] I get to the sex toys,
[55:42] very interesting topic that one.
[55:43] Yeah.
[55:44] Because I once spoke to a shop owner who
[55:47] owned a adult store.
[55:48] Okay.
[55:49] And so I'll tell you all about that just
[55:52] a bit later on.
[55:53] So
[55:54] once your wife and your husband or your
[55:58] husband has to masturbate and use sex
[56:00] toys to stimulate themself
[56:02] Mhm.
[56:03] it's a sign of failed sexuality.
[56:05] All right.
[56:06] That's That's That's the step number
[56:07] one, that's very important. The sign of
[56:09] failed sexuality in marriage where you
[56:12] have to even go into other ways to
[56:15] stimulate yourself and sexualize and so
[56:18] forth because you have to invite
[56:19] pornography to even arouse yourself. So
[56:22] already that's a dying area.
[56:24] Some even prefer to watch pornography
[56:26] before they they get into that.
[56:28] Exactly. Exactly. So now, remember now,
[56:30] pornography in itself, when you watch it
[56:32] your brain releases chemical at an
[56:36] uncontrollable rate which forces
[56:40] what researchers tell us it creates
[56:41] holes in the brain which defeats your
[56:44] concentration span. So people who are
[56:46] highly invested in pornography,
[56:49] they have low concentration span because
[56:52] of excessive dopamine coming out at an
[56:55] uncontrollable rate.
[56:57] Interesting.
[56:57] That's very important to to note. That
[57:00] is why they they often times get into
[57:02] thinking problems. They start doing bad
[57:04] at work. They start doing when they're
[57:06] invested in pornography at its best.
[57:09] Mhm.
[57:10] And pornography, by the way is it's and
[57:13] it's something that we should not be
[57:15] mentioning straight for online because
[57:16] apparently they might block
[57:18] Oh, yeah. They say
[57:19] these items. Yeah. But when you're
[57:21] dealing with that world, it's a world of
[57:23] its own separately. However, when you
[57:25] come to these toys that are you know,
[57:28] there it's because people have not found
[57:31] partners
[57:32] that are to stimulate them properly and
[57:35] have proper sex in. So, therefore, they
[57:37] have to drive to these secondary
[57:39] measures to be able to bring pleasure to
[57:42] themselves. And this is where they come
[57:44] from. And to be honest with you, toys
[57:46] cannot defeat what actual true sex in
[57:49] its highest form and well understood can
[57:51] bring.
[57:52] Yeah.
[57:53] But the toys now are a substitute of
[57:55] what is genuine. And they cannot in of
[57:57] themselves satisfy you very well
[58:00] Mhm.
[58:00] as to the point of when you have a true
[58:02] partner. Remember, bodies have energy.
[58:04] Yes, definitely.
[58:05] And you can imagine the energy of
[58:07] another person touching you, caressing
[58:08] you, you know, working on you, and
[58:11] enjoying you and
[58:11] saint.
[58:12] Ex- exactly. But a toy doesn't have
[58:14] that. A toy doesn't have energy. A toy
[58:16] is just some battery-operated device
[58:19] that literally has to just stimulate
[58:20] certain segments of the body. You get
[58:23] your enjoyment. But when you go and sit
[58:25] down watching TV
[58:27] after that whole pleasure session, like
[58:30] you can feel that,
[58:32] "Ah, man, but this is not it. I actually
[58:34] need a real human being."
[58:36] Mhm.
[58:36] And and this is where the problem kicks
[58:38] in. So, don't
[58:40] I wouldn't advise people to run for
[58:43] these particular toys. I'd rather advise
[58:45] them to invest in genuine relationships.
[58:47] And this is where the problem comes in
[58:49] as well. Where am I going to find people
[58:51] that are trustworthy, honest, that I
[58:54] enjoy? I have South Africans that are
[58:55] marrying Mexicans that come for
[58:57] counseling.
[58:58] There's a lot of online online dating as
[59:01] well these days because people are now
[59:03] um online.
[59:05] Uh you hardly see You ask them, "Why are
[59:08] you on on on online dating?" No, "Where
[59:11] where can I find someone? Because I'm at
[59:13] work, it's home, and then I hardly go
[59:15] out." So, people are online. People are
[59:17] on Tik Tok. People are on Facebook.
[59:18] People are on uh X, you know? So,
[59:21] Listen, look, when you when you dealing
[59:23] with online dating,
[59:25] you must also study the background of
[59:28] the person. The background becomes key
[59:30] towards am I really meeting someone that
[59:32] is authentic? Cuz most of these online
[59:34] dating, 8 months some of them they get
[59:36] married. When they come there for
[59:37] counseling, you realize there's a
[59:39] mountain of problems that are sitting
[59:40] there and there's ex-partners and all
[59:42] these things that start to you know,
[59:44] that mountain starts to come out of the
[59:46] ocean. You're realizing that men, I made
[59:49] a massive mistake.
[59:50] Yeah.
[59:51] The problem with a lot of people is that
[59:53] they believe that the spouses they have
[59:55] Mhm.
[59:55] are very much limited. And these spouses
[59:57] they have are going I'm not going to
[59:59] take them far. So then they go and get
[01:00:01] someone outside thinking that I'll get
[01:00:03] better than this particular one.
[01:00:04] Mhm.
[01:00:05] And they are in for surprises. I've seen
[01:00:06] people divorce by the way.
[01:00:08] Mhm.
[01:00:09] Simply because their own husbands can't
[01:00:11] have sex properly.
[01:00:13] I've seen them I've seen women also
[01:00:15] getting to divorces simply because their
[01:00:17] own partners cannot necessarily do
[01:00:19] certain particular deeds. And when they
[01:00:22] go out there they realize the world is
[01:00:23] rough.
[01:00:24] They realize that hey, there's not that
[01:00:26] much that is sitting out there. What
[01:00:29] people say cool rough out there. And
[01:00:31] that's when they start to realize that
[01:00:33] those particular items. I mean we I
[01:00:36] remember a very good friend of mine not
[01:00:38] in a counseling
[01:00:40] setup. But very good friend of mine
[01:00:43] that literally left his partner, went
[01:00:46] out there in the world, started dating a
[01:00:49] very interesting young lady. And from
[01:00:52] there on really really found himself not
[01:00:55] being able to satisfy that person. And
[01:00:57] she went without even thinking twice,
[01:00:59] just told him okay, now I'm I'm going to
[01:01:01] get someone else just like that
[01:01:03] straight. And he realized but I left a
[01:01:06] committed mother.
[01:01:08] Mhm.
[01:01:08] Somebody that I even paid lobola for. I
[01:01:10] did this for this. And he ended up
[01:01:13] retracting back and trying to go and fix
[01:01:15] his union and that's where we kicked in
[01:01:17] to actually assist.
[01:01:18] I'm struggling with that. Um
[01:01:22] because when you There's two people and
[01:01:24] you can't satisfy each other.
[01:01:25] Mhm.
[01:01:26] Can you get to a point where you
[01:01:28] actually do out of communication and
[01:01:30] talking about it?
[01:01:31] Education is key.
[01:01:34] You see, a lot of people have sex, but
[01:01:36] they're not educated about it.
[01:01:38] They don't understand the full extent of
[01:01:40] what sex is, how to do it properly, and
[01:01:43] how far you can go with it.
[01:01:45] The problem here, to be honest with you,
[01:01:47] is the heart.
[01:01:48] The hearts of many people are heavy.
[01:01:51] And not circumcised.
[01:01:52] Exactly. And because their their hearts
[01:01:55] have problems, people are not having
[01:01:57] genuine That's why if you Look, when
[01:01:59] people just got married, the sex they
[01:02:01] have is out of this world. They will
[01:02:03] tell you we could live in the whole room
[01:02:05] the whole day having sex. But now, when
[01:02:08] problems start to enter the union, you
[01:02:10] realize these people can't even finish
[01:02:12] one round that is 5 minutes. But when
[01:02:15] they started, they could finish a whole
[01:02:16] day round after round after round. But
[01:02:19] then you realize when they get married
[01:02:21] now, one orgasm, everyone is passes out
[01:02:24] in their sleep. 5:00, 4:00, they wake up
[01:02:27] to then flow into their routines. What
[01:02:29] are we dealing with here? We're dealing
[01:02:31] with a phase where you are not holding
[01:02:35] the marriage to the position that it's
[01:02:36] supposed to be on. You are undermining
[01:02:39] certain items that must be fulfilled in
[01:02:42] order to have real pleasure in marriage.
[01:02:45] And that's very key because imagine
[01:02:47] being in a marriage where you're not
[01:02:49] happy.
[01:02:51] Mhm.
[01:02:51] You're not excited. You don't have joy.
[01:02:53] Mhm.
[01:02:54] But you are told, you know, "Yeah, I
[01:02:55] know, we are married. We're such a
[01:02:57] lovely couple." You know, all that that
[01:02:59] fake facade that sits out there. But
[01:03:01] you're not happy. You're not enjoying
[01:03:03] it. You're not even feeling the
[01:03:05] stimulation. You're not even loving the
[01:03:07] sex in the bedroom. Yes, you've got
[01:03:09] kids, but you realize that
[01:03:12] is this it? I mean, people even get to
[01:03:14] that point where they ask, "Is this it?"
[01:03:16] Like
[01:03:17] It's a waste of time.
[01:03:18] Exactly. Some people are sitting with
[01:03:19] those minds while looking at their
[01:03:21] husbands saying, "Yo, but this thing is
[01:03:23] a waste of time."
[01:03:24] You understand? And some husbands even
[01:03:26] sit on that space. You know
[01:03:28] I was
[01:03:29] I remember a very good friend of mine
[01:03:31] said, "You know, we were talking at a
[01:03:33] restaurant and he said
[01:03:35] I looked at my wife, man.
[01:03:37] And I and and I said my
[01:03:40] God, she's ugly.
[01:03:42] You know? And I looked at the guy and I
[01:03:44] said, "What do you mean?"
[01:03:46] But but he's like that.
[01:03:49] He's like, "You know, I took took a look
[01:03:50] at her properly.
[01:03:52] And I when I saw her, I said, 'My God,
[01:03:55] she's ugly.'" And I
[01:03:57] I I I sat down with him and I said,
[01:03:59] "Hey, man, you you can't say stuff like
[01:04:01] that.
[01:04:02] You know, you need to retract those
[01:04:04] words. That person has given you
[01:04:06] children.
[01:04:08] That person
[01:04:09] has has made some changes." And he's
[01:04:12] like, "You know what?
[01:04:13] Matter of fact, I'm tired of this thing
[01:04:16] called marriage."
[01:04:18] So
[01:04:18] It's not a joke.
[01:04:20] I we are laughing but
[01:04:21] Imagine seeing her in the kitchen. She's
[01:04:23] busy cooking like, "Oh, this one."
[01:04:25] And she's doing a very good job on top
[01:04:27] of that. But that guy is sitting there
[01:04:30] and in his mind, you know, he's looking
[01:04:32] and he's like, "My God."
[01:04:34] You know? And you and you you start
[01:04:36] asking him, "Kante, when you met
[01:04:38] Mhm.
[01:04:39] You understand? Was this person not
[01:04:40] beautiful?" And he can't answer. You
[01:04:42] know, he can't put those things into
[01:04:44] perspective. Why?
[01:04:45] And men do reach there as well. Women do
[01:04:48] reach there as well when they look at
[01:04:49] their husbands say, "Yes, like
[01:04:51] where did I meet this thing?"
[01:04:54] You know? And you know, how how did I
[01:04:57] find this thing, man? And and you know
[01:05:01] the level that kills stimulation
[01:05:05] is when is when a couple come together
[01:05:09] and when they when they sit there and
[01:05:11] you find the men saying, "I can't
[01:05:13] believe how dumb she is."
[01:05:14] Yo.
[01:05:15] I'm telling you. You You find instances
[01:05:17] like those, you know? And you're sitting
[01:05:19] there, you're looking at the wife, and
[01:05:21] the wife can't say anything.
[01:05:22] Mhm.
[01:05:22] Can't say anything. And then, you find
[01:05:24] wives that also come in as well. And
[01:05:27] they sit down, they say, "Matter The way
[01:05:29] this thing is so
[01:05:30] It's not even a human being. The way
[01:05:31] this thing is so stubborn."
[01:05:33] Mhm.
[01:05:33] You know, I don't even know which tree
[01:05:35] this thing was born from. You know, and
[01:05:37] that's when you realize, how do you get
[01:05:39] pleasure
[01:05:40] when couples are now talking on that
[01:05:42] level? How do you now enjoy the marriage
[01:05:45] when people are talking on that level?
[01:05:46] And you start to realize that when
[01:05:48] people get toxic,
[01:05:50] Mhm.
[01:05:50] the pleasure of marriage is dead.
[01:05:53] When people become resentful, the
[01:05:55] pleasure of marriage is dead. And one of
[01:05:58] the ways that I pick that a man is done
[01:06:00] with a union is when he no longer sees
[01:06:03] the woman as wise.
[01:06:04] Yeah.
[01:06:05] When he sees her as just some fool, just
[01:06:09] for lack of better word.
[01:06:10] Mhm.
[01:06:10] When he sees her in that particular
[01:06:12] state, when he starts asking himself,
[01:06:14] "Why do you reason like that?
[01:06:16] Mhm.
[01:06:16] Why do you think that way?
[01:06:19] Why matter what matter where where did
[01:06:21] you get this type of You start to When
[01:06:23] you see men talk like that, just know
[01:06:25] that marriage will be very difficult to
[01:06:28] resuscitate back into its place.
[01:06:31] I I believe that communication also
[01:06:34] because you talked about trained. If the
[01:06:36] mind is not trained,
[01:06:38] you cannot get that the pleasure and and
[01:06:41] the heart that is not circumcised.
[01:06:43] But then, I think when we communicate to
[01:06:46] say, "This is how I want things to be
[01:06:48] like in the bedroom. This is how I feel.
[01:06:51] This is why I want to be touched. This
[01:06:53] is You know,
[01:06:55] just communicate and and and find where
[01:06:57] is your They say your partner's G-spot
[01:07:00] or something like that
[01:07:01] to get the pleasure back in the bedroom.
[01:07:04] And then, if the bedroom is okay, then
[01:07:07] we are able to talk about other matters
[01:07:09] that will bring a certain enjoyment in
[01:07:11] the
[01:07:11] I see the bedroom. But have you ever
[01:07:13] seen a sex machine
[01:07:15] that can do eight rounds?
[01:07:17] And he's telling the the husband that,
[01:07:19] "You know what? You need to match up and
[01:07:20] man up." And this guy is 47, 48, 49, 50,
[01:07:24] close to the grave or quarter to 70
[01:07:27] degree. And he's being told he has to
[01:07:29] now
[01:07:30] satisfy eight full six rounds. And and
[01:07:33] this guy can only pump 50 premium pumps
[01:07:36] and he's he's gone from there. And now
[01:07:39] you're sitting there asking yourself,
[01:07:40] "But how do I solve this as a marriage
[01:07:42] counselor?"
[01:07:44] This is health.
[01:07:45] We're talking health now.
[01:07:47] We're talking stamina. We're talking
[01:07:49] performance now. We're talking the
[01:07:51] ability to hold
[01:07:53] and satisfy this particular That's why
[01:07:56] you know you know you must be very
[01:07:57] careful to not just marry women that are
[01:07:59] 15 years younger than you and 20 years
[01:08:02] younger than you. I hear you when you
[01:08:04] talk about beauty, but can you sustain
[01:08:07] the performance that's going to come out
[01:08:09] of that particular area? And if you
[01:08:11] can't, you understand, you have no
[01:08:12] business, you know, uh being in that
[01:08:14] particular area. And why do I say this?
[01:08:16] Because
[01:08:17] sexual stimulation must equate.
[01:08:21] It must equate.
[01:08:22] You You mean you They must be
[01:08:23] compatible.
[01:08:24] Yeah, you must be compatible.
[01:08:25] must be compatible.
[01:08:26] You must be compatible.
[01:08:28] Ah.
[01:08:28] Simple as it is. If you are not
[01:08:29] compatible, forget about it. You will
[01:08:32] rush in there as a married couple just
[01:08:35] after you got your your marriage and you
[01:08:37] realize that after one round that person
[01:08:39] is gone straight to sleep.
[01:08:41] Is it necessary to do all this round or
[01:08:43] is it necessary just to reach your
[01:08:45] destination and
[01:08:46] You see that question? That's a question
[01:08:48] that shows our age.
[01:08:53] You see that question? When you say, "Is
[01:08:55] it necessary to have four rounds of sex?
[01:08:57] Is it necessary to have four And then
[01:08:59] you know this person
[01:09:01] is over 40. Because because when you are
[01:09:04] 20 something and you you you come there
[01:09:06] and say, "Man, how is it necessary to
[01:09:08] They can They don't even ask those
[01:09:09] questions." They just go and pump and
[01:09:11] pump and pump because they have the
[01:09:13] stamina for it. But now you are there at
[01:09:15] 40, you're asking and the person comes
[01:09:17] and say, "No, I need round three." And
[01:09:19] say, "I
[01:09:20] What's wrong with you?
[01:09:22] Did you eat some tablets or something?"
[01:09:24] You realize that this guy is old or this
[01:09:26] woman is old.
[01:09:27] Now I see why there's a lot of um
[01:09:29] someone showed me in the street. People
[01:09:31] are selling some trees and all that. I
[01:09:33] said, "Do you know what's that?" I said,
[01:09:34] "I don't know." So no, it's something
[01:09:36] called imphepho. It It It gives a highly
[01:09:39] beautiful man and all of that. So I
[01:09:41] think but I don't I don't see I don't
[01:09:43] see because we You You mentioned that
[01:09:46] you know, sex
[01:09:48] has got three parts. It's for
[01:09:50] procreation.
[01:09:51] procreation, it's for enjoyment and it's
[01:09:53] for bonding, right?
[01:09:55] So
[01:09:56] Look,
[01:09:57] I I see all these but remember the body
[01:09:59] deteriorates as we get older.
[01:10:02] It It It It gets It becomes aged. So
[01:10:05] there are certain things that honestly
[01:10:06] speaking, you can't do. Like when you
[01:10:08] pass the age of 35, every meal you're
[01:10:11] eating must have
[01:10:13] garlic in it.
[01:10:14] Garlic?
[01:10:14] Yes. Very good for erection for men.
[01:10:17] I love garlic.
[01:10:18] Every meal that a man eats if if he can
[01:10:21] find peanuts as well. Peanuts are very
[01:10:23] good for him. They They help. Lots of
[01:10:25] iron as well. Helps men. Like women,
[01:10:28] magnesium is very powerful. for them in
[01:10:31] terms of
[01:10:32] You You You You to look after your
[01:10:33] health, you know. The bedroom Let me
[01:10:35] tell you something. We can talk about
[01:10:37] all these bedroom stuff the whole day,
[01:10:39] you know,
[01:10:40] but it boils down to performance as
[01:10:41] well.
[01:10:42] Yeah.
[01:10:42] It This is pleasure with performance.
[01:10:45] That's why outside of the bedroom, you
[01:10:47] are dealing with pleasure in the
[01:10:49] language of affection.
[01:10:50] Mhm.
[01:10:51] That's easier to manage. It's easier to
[01:10:55] to touch your wife in between the legs,
[01:10:57] you know, and rub her thighs and caress
[01:11:00] her and, you know,
[01:11:02] work her her skull and, you know, kiss
[01:11:04] her, you know, tap her butt when she's
[01:11:06] cooking, send her messages, tell her you
[01:11:09] love her. You know, that makes sex
[01:11:11] simpler when it comes to the bedroom.
[01:11:13] gets to the bedroom, it started in the
[01:11:14] mind.
[01:11:15] Exactly. It already started from there.
[01:11:17] So, that type of pleasure don't just go
[01:11:18] in there and just switch on the machine
[01:11:20] when you're going into the bedroom.
[01:11:22] Build it all the way up. However,
[01:11:25] you can't build it up when you are at a
[01:11:27] state of depression.
[01:11:29] Depression kills intimacy.
[01:11:32] You must deal with that first.
[01:11:34] deal with depression to the highest
[01:11:36] caliber. Now, let me explain something
[01:11:38] very unique.
[01:11:40] When a woman
[01:11:42] is not when she feels she's not loved,
[01:11:45] Mhm.
[01:11:46] she can't lubricate easy.
[01:11:48] Yeah.
[01:11:49] She struggles to lubricate. And I I've
[01:11:51] seen men come, you know, in various
[01:11:53] setups, you know, public
[01:11:55] Doesn't even orgasm.
[01:11:56] She can't. And and by the way, women
[01:11:58] struggle with orgasms. So, so when you
[01:12:01] sit down there, you're like, "Okay, we
[01:12:02] need to fix this now."
[01:12:04] And you start talking to them and you
[01:12:06] realize that there's deeper problems
[01:12:08] Mhm.
[01:12:08] than this. You know, when you a man
[01:12:11] sleeps that side and a woman sleeps that
[01:12:12] side and tomorrow the person the man
[01:12:15] just wants sex and you you watch a woman
[01:12:17] I mean
[01:12:18] the husband watches his wife have sex
[01:12:21] with him
[01:12:22] while not even making a sound.
[01:12:24] Mhm.
[01:12:25] Just looking at the ceiling.
[01:12:27] And sometimes looking there and when the
[01:12:29] man finish and ejaculates into the wife,
[01:12:32] what happens? She just takes her towel,
[01:12:34] wipes herself, and looks the other side
[01:12:36] and go straight to sleep. And you call
[01:12:38] that marriage? There are women who are
[01:12:39] in in spaces like that.
[01:12:41] Yeah.
[01:12:42] There are men
[01:12:43] Unfortunately. There are men who are
[01:12:43] also in spaces like that. They'll tell
[01:12:45] the woman, "Ah, okay, you know what? I
[01:12:47] just climb. Do your stuff." She does her
[01:12:48] stuff. He doesn't even orgasm. He just
[01:12:51] turns aside and he sleeps.
[01:12:52] Do men pretend or fake orgasm?
[01:12:55] I've never seen such situations in terms
[01:12:58] of experience in counseling and and
[01:13:00] public spaces, but women do. Women do
[01:13:03] come to a state where they they don't
[01:13:05] reach orgasms because the right
[01:13:07] stimulation is not taking place. But
[01:13:10] when people have sex in those levels
[01:13:12] where they don't even look at each other
[01:13:14] anymore their faces.
[01:13:16] They don't even
[01:13:17] talk that much anymore. They just engage
[01:13:20] sexually and then they just go straight
[01:13:22] to sleep and you wake up like nothing
[01:13:24] happened. That's a sign of a dead sexual
[01:13:27] union. In other words, it has reached a
[01:13:30] place where it's not standing right
[01:13:32] anymore.
[01:13:33] Yeah.
[01:13:33] And this is where the problem comes in
[01:13:35] because when side chicks and side men
[01:13:38] come in.
[01:13:39] Most of these particular men and women
[01:13:41] are very excited.
[01:13:43] Let me tell you today and I think
[01:13:47] if I get a backlash now, let me get a
[01:13:49] backlash. But at least I would have
[01:13:50] spoken the truth
[01:13:52] concerning matters.
[01:13:53] Bring it on.
[01:13:54] I've come across situations where men
[01:13:56] would even state that you know what?
[01:13:58] I'm not leaving this particular side
[01:14:01] chick or chicks cuz some do multiple or
[01:14:04] in women in some other states.
[01:14:07] And they would say stuff like I have
[01:14:09] never gotten pleasure like this in my
[01:14:11] life.
[01:14:13] So I will keep going back and you'll be
[01:14:16] sitting there with the person and you'll
[01:14:17] be like, but why then stay married? And
[01:14:20] the person will be like, ah, the kids at
[01:14:22] least so that the kids can grow up in a
[01:14:24] safe environment.
[01:14:25] can be saved.
[01:14:25] Yeah, and all those type of stuff. You
[01:14:27] start to hear them say stuff like that,
[01:14:28] but you realize that man,
[01:14:30] if you're getting this pleasure, why
[01:14:31] don't we explore in your marriage to
[01:14:33] actually create this particular
[01:14:36] pleasure? It's like the energy is not
[01:14:37] the same.
[01:14:39] This one
[01:14:40] What do you mean the energy?
[01:14:40] This one always demands things.
[01:14:43] This one does not demand things.
[01:14:46] Which is a very strange thing because
[01:14:47] when you go online on the social media
[01:14:50] contents and so forth, they will tell
[01:14:51] you that you must sustain side chicks
[01:14:53] and side men through money. But that's
[01:14:56] not what you see in counseling.
[01:14:57] What you see in counseling
[01:14:58] So the reality is not it's not it's not
[01:15:01] We have done the math even in certain
[01:15:04] marriages.
[01:15:04] You have facts.
[01:15:05] We've got facts where
[01:15:07] you'd find that the wife even when
[01:15:10] there's a side chick, the wife remains
[01:15:12] more expensive
[01:15:13] Mhm.
[01:15:13] than actually a side chick. And because
[01:15:16] we're trying to get a man away from the
[01:15:18] side chicks to get back into his union,
[01:15:21] when we do the math, we have to now
[01:15:23] bring in other skills to try and get
[01:15:25] that person to retract from that
[01:15:28] particular area because now now now
[01:15:30] remember something very unique. Some men
[01:15:32] even take their washing to side chicks.
[01:15:34] Mhm.
[01:15:35] I'm telling you some some men even sit
[01:15:38] down and and they get cooked a lunch tin
[01:15:41] by side chicks.
[01:15:42] Mhm.
[01:15:43] Some men even sit down and they eat
[01:15:45] dinner from side chicks.
[01:15:47] Mhm.
[01:15:47] Some of them some but when you when he
[01:15:50] gets home I mean I once
[01:15:52] had several scenarios where
[01:15:54] you know, one counseling after the other
[01:15:56] counseling after the other counseling,
[01:15:58] men would even come with a list. Men
[01:16:00] even calculate how much they spend on
[01:16:02] the wife and how much they spend on the
[01:16:05] the the side chick. But then you'll be
[01:16:06] like telling me like, "No, but if you go
[01:16:07] and stay with this one, you might
[01:16:09] discover that you're going to end up
[01:16:10] with the same bills anyways." And he's
[01:16:13] like, "Well, I'm willing to risk that."
[01:16:15] Mhm.
[01:16:16] So you start to you start to see that
[01:16:17] it's a very tough world. We as marriage
[01:16:19] counselors, we have a very tough job of
[01:16:22] trying to reverse certain men. You know
[01:16:24] the hardest thing
[01:16:25] the Lord I know.
[01:16:25] The hardest thing is when a man comes to
[01:16:27] you and say that
[01:16:29] "I'm just staying there just because I'm
[01:16:30] staying."
[01:16:31] Mhm.
[01:16:32] "I don't really have anything that I can
[01:16:35] I can't go anywhere because she can't do
[01:16:37] anything for herself, but I want to
[01:16:39] marry this one."
[01:16:40] Mhm.
[01:16:41] And this one knows about the wife.
[01:16:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[01:16:44] She knows about the circumstances of the
[01:16:46] wife.
[01:16:47] Yeah, yeah.
[01:16:47] And trying to pull a man out of a side
[01:16:51] chick.
[01:16:51] Side chick.
[01:16:52] Uh who has been love bombed, by the way.
[01:16:54] Yeah.
[01:16:55] Versus uh a man that is not love bombed,
[01:16:58] but just went out because of a certain
[01:17:00] display. These are two different men.
[01:17:02] Mhm.
[01:17:02] A man that is love bombed who will even
[01:17:05] leave his phone open.
[01:17:07] Mhm.
[01:17:07] And the wife will even read what you
[01:17:09] call the message.
[01:17:10] And he has no issues with that. And I
[01:17:11] know he uh
[01:17:12] And literally tells the wife straight
[01:17:13] and says
[01:17:14] Why do you have my phone? Don't ask me.
[01:17:16] Yeah, he says, "You know what? It's not
[01:17:17] an issue, man. Pales, remember you are
[01:17:19] not
[01:17:20] that active anymore. Plus, you are you
[01:17:22] are old now." Imagine a whole husband
[01:17:24] telling you that, "You know what? You
[01:17:25] are old now.
[01:17:26] Uh there's not certain things you can't
[01:17:28] do. The only thing you can do is cook
[01:17:29] and do my washing. And I'll send you
[01:17:31] money on top of that. But this one I'm
[01:17:32] not leaving."
[01:17:33] Mhm.
[01:17:34] You are told straight like that.
[01:17:36] And you find that a woman has to live
[01:17:38] with that
[01:17:39] in her mind. And she has to, on top of
[01:17:42] that, give that man sex when he needs it
[01:17:45] after he's done with that particular
[01:17:47] person. And you realize there's a
[01:17:48] massive problem.
[01:17:49] Mhm.
[01:17:50] So, when we talk about the world of
[01:17:51] pleasure, we need to also discuss the
[01:17:53] problems
[01:17:54] Yeah.
[01:17:55] that are also surrounding this
[01:17:57] particular matter.
[01:17:57] That blocks the pleasure.
[01:17:59] I have seen women even enjoy the
[01:18:02] downfall of another woman.
[01:18:04] Mhm.
[01:18:05] Enjoy to say, "Ah, no, you finally left
[01:18:07] her. Yeah, I'm so excited. I'm so" And
[01:18:10] you're looking at that woman and you're
[01:18:11] wondering, "Good, what is in that mind?"
[01:18:14] What is in that mind? And you look at
[01:18:16] that guy like, "But you're willing to
[01:18:18] satisfy
[01:18:19] That's it.
[01:18:19] this" And you know what happens with
[01:18:21] most side chicks, especially when
[01:18:23] I'm counseling couples, cuz obviously
[01:18:26] with all these years of experience one
[01:18:27] has,
[01:18:28] Mhm.
[01:18:28] when you counsel people that I'll give
[01:18:30] an example. So, let's say
[01:18:33] this man went and cheated on his wife.
[01:18:35] Mhm.
[01:18:36] And through the cheating
[01:18:38] ended up marrying this particular one
[01:18:40] because the wife decided to divorce.
[01:18:41] Mhm.
[01:18:43] When they get into that one, the same
[01:18:44] man actually goes and cheats with
[01:18:46] another one in most cases.
[01:18:48] And what happens that that same one
[01:18:51] That same one that got
[01:18:53] uh the husband of another woman is now
[01:18:55] the one sitting in the counseling
[01:18:57] session crying.
[01:18:58] You had no he went and he cheated, but
[01:19:00] you got him through cheating in the
[01:19:01] first place.
[01:19:02] Exactly.
[01:19:02] Now you are seeing that he's doing it
[01:19:04] again somewhere else. And you realize
[01:19:06] that there is a problem over here and a
[01:19:09] massive one in that particular fact. So
[01:19:12] So the reality is
[01:19:14] many women are actually finding
[01:19:17] themselves helping the downfall of the
[01:19:20] marriages of other women. And it's the
[01:19:22] same with men.
[01:19:23] Home wreckers.
[01:19:24] Yeah, they they they they well they call
[01:19:26] them home wreckers, but the truth of the
[01:19:28] matter is
[01:19:29] a lot of men also are home wreckers.
[01:19:32] Yeah.
[01:19:33] They're also home wreckers. They are men
[01:19:35] who have destroyed other people's
[01:19:37] households.
[01:19:38] Who have destroyed other men's
[01:19:39] marriages. Who have displaced children
[01:19:42] out of certain setups. And they don't
[01:19:44] care. They are They are ones that don't
[01:19:46] care at all. So when we discuss pleasure
[01:19:49] in marriage, we're talking about
[01:19:51] vulnerable, open, honest people that
[01:19:54] want to have good marriages. And they
[01:19:57] are able to explore when they are
[01:19:59] failing somewhere, they are able to move
[01:20:01] on. But when you come across a marriage
[01:20:03] that is beyond repair.
[01:20:05] Yeah.
[01:20:06] Beyond repair.
[01:20:08] Yeah.
[01:20:09] I don't like lying to people.
[01:20:11] Mhm.
[01:20:11] There are marriages that are not
[01:20:13] repairable.
[01:20:14] What kind of that?
[01:20:15] You know, when you come across a
[01:20:17] marriage where
[01:20:18] a guy moves from one woman to the other
[01:20:21] to the other to the other, that marriage
[01:20:23] is not repairable.
[01:20:25] Mhm.
[01:20:25] In most instances, even when we done
[01:20:28] counseling now, that person can still
[01:20:30] leave next week.
[01:20:31] Yeah. and go and get another person.
[01:20:35] Isn't Isn't that a curse?
[01:20:37] Yes, we can we can speak about it on
[01:20:39] that caliber, but the truth of life is
[01:20:41] that when you want to explore genuine
[01:20:44] pleasure in life,
[01:20:45] be considerate of your wife's emotions.
[01:20:48] Be considerate of your husband's
[01:20:49] emotions. Be considerate of the needs of
[01:20:52] both parties. And at the same time,
[01:20:55] don't be prideful where you are wrong.
[01:20:57] Be accountable, be solid, and be very
[01:21:00] much genuine. Pleasure in and of itself
[01:21:02] is a very powerful
[01:21:04] item if it is explored properly.
[01:21:07] Properly. So, are we agreeing that
[01:21:11] with communication and humbleness and
[01:21:13] willing to
[01:21:15] fix things and to deal with depression,
[01:21:18] to deal with traumas, and deal with all
[01:21:20] of that, you are able to bring back that
[01:21:22] trauma. Do you also agree that
[01:21:26] if there is no pleasure now in this
[01:21:29] problems,
[01:21:31] should we decide to humble ourselves and
[01:21:34] correct each other, the bond can be
[01:21:36] better than before?
[01:21:38] It can. You can graduate to a new phase,
[01:21:40] but here's the thing that I've seen most
[01:21:42] men struggle with,
[01:21:44] when they no longer see their wife's
[01:21:45] beauty.
[01:21:47] That's the hardest job of any marriage
[01:21:50] counselor.
[01:21:51] When you can no longer see the beauty of
[01:21:54] your wife and you can no longer see the
[01:21:56] masculinity of your man as a wife.
[01:21:59] These areas are very difficult because
[01:22:02] they are born also in hate. Remember
[01:22:04] when something is no longer beautiful to
[01:22:06] you, you can also develop hate for that
[01:22:09] particular item.
[01:22:09] Become enemies in
[01:22:10] You become enemies. So, I understand
[01:22:13] that there are men that have been
[01:22:14] disrespected heavily and so forth, and
[01:22:16] there are women that have not been shown
[01:22:18] affection to a great extent, but the
[01:22:21] truth of the matter is that if your
[01:22:22] marriage is at that level,
[01:22:24] you you both can't fix it. You have to
[01:22:27] bring in a professional to then resolve
[01:22:30] that. Because once you see the beauty of
[01:22:33] another woman outside,
[01:22:36] you will never,
[01:22:37] without help, ever see your wife the
[01:22:39] same again. And the same is true for
[01:22:41] men. I'm for for vice versa.
[01:22:44] So, that area needs to be explored very
[01:22:47] well. That it's fixable,
[01:22:50] but with intentionality in and of it
[01:22:52] best, yeah.
[01:22:53] There's hope for that.
[01:22:54] So, I do agree with most of what you're
[01:22:55] saying as well.
[01:22:56] Right. I I guess
[01:22:59] we've said enough to build one family,
[01:23:03] one episode at a time. And we continue
[01:23:06] to reverse those divorces. I will always
[01:23:08] celebrate that and counting. So, please
[01:23:10] give us the numbers and the facts
[01:23:12] as you go on social media, Dr. Rig Nish
[01:23:15] Yozwi. I really appreciate
[01:23:17] being with you here and consuming all
[01:23:20] the knowledge and the wisdom that God
[01:23:21] has given you. So,
[01:23:23] from my side, I wrap it up like that.