# How to *actually* HEAL YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM (and change your life) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYBZUcr9XrQ Translation: zh-CN [00:00] This is going to be the ultimate video [00:01] on healing and regulating your nervous [00:03] system, and it's probably not what [00:05] you've heard before. In this video, I'm [00:06] going to break down exactly why your [00:08] nervous system stays stuck on high alert [00:10] and why you're stuck in survival mode. [00:12] Why popular tools help but aren't fully [00:14] fixing the problem, and how you can [00:16] actually rewire your system, so safety [00:18] and calm become your baseline. So many [00:20] people are missing the real deeper layer [00:22] to nervous system healing. And once you [00:24] understand it, everything clicks. I [00:26] truly hope you watch this video through [00:28] to the very end. I promise you it'll be [00:30] worth it because regulating your nervous [00:32] system is one of those things that will [00:34] completely change your life. Hey friend, [00:36] welcome back. If you're new here, my [00:37] name is Jills and I help women step into [00:39] their power, tap into their divine [00:41] feminine, and become their best self, [00:42] live their dream life. So, if that's [00:44] something you want to do, you should [00:45] subscribe and stick around. And in case [00:47] you want more from me, you can always [00:48] check out my deep dive feminine energy [00:49] course or any of my other courses or [00:51] digital products. They are always linked [00:53] down below. Okay, so before we get into [00:55] how to actually heal your nervous [00:56] system, we need to talk about what the [00:58] nervous system even is in the first [01:00] place and why it matters so much. [01:02] Because once you understand this, it'll [01:04] become a lot easier to understand how to [01:06] fix it. So your nervous system is [01:08] basically the communication system of [01:10] your entire body. It's a network made up [01:12] of your brain, your spinal cord, and all [01:14] of the nerves that run throughout your [01:16] body. And that's why it's called your [01:17] nervous system. And it has one main job [01:20] to constantly scan what's happening both [01:22] inside your body and around you and [01:24] decide how to respond. It's basically [01:26] your body's internal control center. So [01:28] it decides should you relax or be on [01:31] high alert? Should your heart slow down [01:32] or speed up? Is this moment safe or [01:34] threatening? It's constantly scanning [01:36] trying to figure it out. It's constantly [01:38] scanning for danger and threats. And [01:41] it's very good at its job, sometimes too [01:43] good. And so your nervous system has two [01:45] major gears that it switches between. [01:47] fight orflight mode, aka your [01:49] sympathetic nervous system. This is your [01:51] stress mode. This is your body sensing [01:53] danger mode. And then there's the rest [01:54] and digest mode, aka the parasympathetic [01:57] nervous system. This is your calm, happy [01:59] healing mode. This helps you feel safe [02:00] and connected and grounded and able to [02:02] fully relax. But if your nervous system [02:04] is stuck in stress mode all the time, [02:07] which for a lot of people it is, that [02:09] means that your body is chronically [02:11] sensing danger, even when none actually [02:14] exists. And when this happens, your [02:15] hormones get thrown off. Your digestion [02:17] gets thrown off. You feel anxious, [02:18] exhausted, or emotionally reactive. You [02:20] struggle to sleep or feel calm. You [02:22] constantly overthink or people please. [02:24] You might even self-sabotage or get sick [02:26] more easily. It affects everything. Your [02:28] physical health, your mental health, [02:30] your emotions, your relationships, your [02:31] ability to make decisions, your ability [02:33] to trust yourself, everything. So [02:35] healing your nervous system isn't just [02:37] about being a little less anxious. It's [02:39] about helping your body feel safe again [02:41] so it can function properly and so you [02:43] can show up as your full, grounded, [02:46] confident, magnetic self. Now, here is [02:48] the part that changes everything and [02:49] what most people don't understand. Your [02:51] nervous system doesn't just react to [02:53] real danger. You want it to react to [02:56] danger. If you're taking a nice little [02:58] walk and you see a tiger, you want your [03:00] body to freak out. You want all the [03:02] alarm bells to go off. You're supposed [03:04] to have a strong sense of danger because [03:06] that's what keeps you alive. But your [03:07] nervous system is not just reacting to [03:10] danger. It's reacting to perceived [03:13] danger. And that is a huge difference. [03:16] It's like this. If you're out on that [03:18] same walk and you see a big four-legged [03:20] animal running through the trees, your [03:22] body immediately thinks, "Ah, tiger," [03:24] and turns on stress mode, when in [03:26] reality, it was actually just a fluffy [03:29] golden retriever. There is no real [03:30] threat. There is no real danger, but [03:32] you're reacting like there is. you are [03:34] still having the same exact experience [03:36] as if there was a tiger because that's [03:38] what your nervous system is anticipating [03:41] and perceiving. It's not responding to [03:43] what's true. It's responding to what it [03:46] anticipates. The root cause of a [03:48] chronically disregulated nervous system [03:51] is perceived or anticipated danger. [03:54] Constant perceived or anticipated [03:56] danger, not from real actual immediate [03:59] threats. Okay, so this is important. If [04:01] you have a disregulated nervous system [04:04] and you struggle to stay calm and [04:06] grounded, why is your body perceiving [04:09] and anticipating danger? That is the [04:11] question you need to ask yourself. Why [04:13] is my body constantly perceiving and [04:15] anticipating danger so much? And [04:17] sometimes you won't consciously know and [04:19] that's fine. This is very often an [04:21] unconscious deep in your body thing. So [04:23] you may not know exactly why, but your [04:25] body and your subconscious mind remember [04:27] everything even when your conscious mind [04:30] doesn't. But what you need to realize is [04:31] that this isn't just some personality [04:33] flaw. A disregulated nervous system is a [04:36] survival adaptation. Think about it. If [04:38] you grew up in a house where you had to [04:40] constantly read the room to stay safe, [04:43] your body learned to pick up on the [04:44] tiniest signals. If you experienced [04:46] rejection or abandonment, your system [04:48] learned that being alone equals danger. [04:50] If there was a lot of financial stress [04:52] or instability, your nervous system [04:54] tagged money as a threat. Some things [04:57] happened that caused your nervous system [04:59] to become heightened, to become ultra [05:02] sensitive and ultra reactive to threats. [05:04] So that same body and that system that [05:06] kept you safe at one point is actually [05:08] just causing you havoc now. And it's [05:10] what's causing you to always stay [05:12] overwhelmed and stressed and anxious and [05:15] shut down. That weird tone in your [05:16] boss's email, your credit card balance, [05:18] or when you text that guy you like and [05:20] he doesn't respond. All potential [05:22] danger, especially to a nervous system [05:24] that adapted to become sensitive. The [05:26] problem isn't that you feel anxious [05:27] about money or you overthink or you [05:29] people please. There's a deeper thing [05:31] going on here. The problem is that [05:32] somewhere along the way, your system [05:35] decided, it concluded that those normal [05:39] parts of life are threats to your [05:41] survival. So your nervous system is [05:43] stuck asking, "Am I safe? Am I safe? Am [05:45] I good? Am I safe? Am I safe? Am I [05:47] good?" And the answer it keeps getting [05:48] is no. Scary. Danger. Nope. Watch out. [05:51] Don't think that's good enough. Eh, not [05:53] really sure about that one. Definitely [05:54] not safe. The point that I want to drive [05:56] into your brain right now is that your [05:59] nervous system became ultra sensitive [06:01] because it thinks there's some perceived [06:03] danger lurking around. And really at the [06:06] core of all of this is a lack of trust. [06:10] And that is what I've never heard [06:11] anybody say when it comes to the nervous [06:13] system. Underneath it all, nervous [06:15] system dysregulation is about broken [06:17] trust. Trust with yourself, trust with [06:19] others, trust with life, trust with [06:22] uncertainty. Your system doesn't trust [06:23] that you can handle stress. And your [06:25] system doesn't trust that you can handle [06:26] whatever comes your way. And so that is [06:28] what we have to fix to truly regulate [06:31] and heal your nervous system. You have [06:32] to convince your brain and your body [06:33] that you are safe now over and over [06:36] again so that your system stops seeing [06:38] life as a constant threat. And we're [06:40] going to talk about how to do this. But [06:41] just know this isn't about trying to [06:43] eliminate all discomfort from your life. [06:45] This is about expanding your capacity to [06:47] handle it without immediately jumping [06:49] into survival mode. Because once your [06:51] brain and your body start to feel safe, [06:53] once you learn to trust life again, [06:55] stress will still be an inconvenience. [06:58] Discomfort will still be uncomfortable, [07:00] but it won't feel like danger anymore. [07:02] And that's what we have to separate. It [07:04] won't trigger a full survival response [07:06] because your system no longer perceives [07:08] it as a threat. Now, before we get into [07:10] how to actually do this, we need to talk [07:12] about why all of the popular nervous [07:14] system tools that you've probably [07:16] already been using aren't fully fixing [07:18] the issue and why you're still [07:20] struggling. So, let's talk about all of [07:21] those nervous system tools that you've [07:23] probably heard of before. Breath work, [07:26] cold plunging, shaking your whole body, [07:28] you know, laying on the ground with your [07:29] legs at the wall, yelling into a pillow, [07:31] sematic release work, all of that. Now, [07:33] all of these tools can be wonderful, and [07:36] I am not discounting any of these. They [07:38] can help you downregulate in the moment. [07:40] They can help you move stuck energy. [07:42] They can release emotions and stuck [07:44] trauma from your body and bring you back [07:46] to center when things feel overwhelming. [07:48] Seatic tools are powerful. But, and here [07:51] is what I want to gently point out. Most [07:53] people are using these tools to recover [07:56] from stress because they've already had [07:59] an elevated stress response. They're [08:01] trying to recover from feeling [08:03] overwhelmed or anxious or disregulated, [08:05] not to rewire the patterns that are [08:07] causing it in the first place. If [08:09] something stressful happens, they think, [08:11] "Let's shake it out. Let's dance it out. [08:13] Let's yell into a pillow. I'm stressed, [08:14] so in order to sleep, I need to lay on [08:16] the ground with my legs up the wall to [08:17] calm down." And these are wonderful [08:18] tools and wonderful ways to help [08:20] downregulate you. But what if you didn't [08:22] have to shake your body to calm down? [08:24] What if you didn't have to lay on the [08:26] ground with your legs at the wall every [08:27] night just to fall asleep because you [08:29] never had that elevated stress response [08:31] in the first place? Let me be really [08:33] clear here. Sematic tools can be amazing [08:36] support and some tools can be better for [08:38] some people than others. But they don't [08:40] automatically change your subconscious [08:42] programming. They don't rewire the part [08:44] of you that still believes rest is lazy [08:46] and dangerous. Money is unstable. I'll [08:48] definitely be rejected if I speak up. [08:50] Nothing is ever truly safe. So, for [08:51] example, let's take cold plunges. Cold [08:53] plunges help you stay calm in the [08:55] presence of perceived danger. You're [08:57] practicing regulating your reaction to [08:59] discomfort and stress and sitting in [09:02] that and that is powerful and very real. [09:04] But rewiring subconscious beliefs on the [09:06] other hand actually changes your [09:08] definition of what counts as danger in [09:11] the first place. It shifts the lens your [09:13] nervous system is using to interpret the [09:15] world. So things that used to trigger [09:17] you now feel neutral. It's the [09:19] difference between managing the alarm [09:22] and no longer triggering the alarm at [09:24] all. Right? If you rely on these tools [09:25] just to feel okay, just to get through [09:27] the day, that is a clue that the deeper [09:29] layer has not been addressed, that your [09:32] nervous system still does not feel safe. [09:34] If you have to do a 10-minute breath [09:35] work session every morning just so you [09:37] don't spiral at work later, it's [09:38] probably because your body still thinks [09:40] that something is wrong. Here's a [09:42] metaphor. Imagine your nervous system is [09:45] a boat, but that boat has a hole in it [09:47] and it's leaking water in. Your boat is [09:49] slowly sinking. And every time water [09:52] pours in, aka stress, conflict, money [09:55] stuff, rejection, you use your sematic [09:58] tools like a bucket to scoop out the [09:59] water. And it works and it helps and it [10:01] does help you feel better and help you [10:03] not sink. But unless you patch the [10:05] actual hole, you're going to be scooping [10:07] forever. Most sematic tools, not all, [10:09] but most seatic tools, especially the [10:11] way people are using them. They help you [10:12] to scoop water. But the real healing, [10:15] the deep sustainable healing comes from [10:17] fixing the actual hole. And the hole is [10:19] the patterned belief that life is [10:21] dangerous and you don't trust it. You [10:24] don't trust uncertainty and you can't [10:27] trust yourself to handle it. This is why [10:29] if you've been doing those common [10:30] sematic tools forever and you know that [10:32] they help, but you still haven't felt [10:34] that real shift that you're looking for, [10:36] it's because you're not getting at that [10:38] deeper layer. And so that is what we're [10:39] going to talk about how to repair right [10:41] now. So let's talk about how to rewire [10:44] those old beliefs of danger out of us so [10:46] that our nervous system doesn't have to [10:47] keep constantly turning on that alarm [10:49] all the time. So step one is to identify [10:52] the unsafe belief. What does my nervous [10:54] system believe that keeps me feeling [10:56] threatened? Here's some common examples [10:57] of beliefs that wreak havoc on the [10:59] nervous system. Saying no will make [11:01] people reject me. Conflict means the [11:02] relationship is over. Rest is lazy, [11:04] unproductive, or is a threat to my [11:06] survival. If I slow down, everything's [11:07] going to fall apart. If I'm not perfect, [11:09] I'm not lovable. Money is always [11:11] unstable or scarce. If I don't control [11:13] everything, I'll get hurt. Something's [11:15] going to happen. If I show my real [11:16] emotions, people will leave. Okay? So, [11:18] look at the areas of your life where you [11:20] feel the most anxious or reactive or [11:22] stuck. What situations constantly [11:24] trigger your nervous system? and those [11:26] alarm bells, that's usually pointing to [11:28] an underlying terrified belief. For [11:30] example, if you get anxious every time [11:32] you need to rest or take a break, [11:33] there's probably an underlying belief [11:35] there that says, "If I rest, I might [11:37] lose everything." If you avoid conflict [11:39] at all costs and people please [11:41] constantly, then there's probably a [11:42] belief there that says, "If people are [11:44] upset with me, then they'll abandon me." [11:46] And let's be real, if you have a very [11:48] disregulated nervous system, then you [11:49] might have a lot of beliefs like this. [11:51] And that's okay. Just know that true [11:53] healing and true rewiring take time and [11:56] it's okay to take it one belief at a [11:58] time. Step two, create safety through [12:00] tiny opposite action. Here's the key. [12:02] You don't just change a belief by [12:03] thinking differently. That belief fully [12:06] changes in your body when you experience [12:09] it differently. Your nervous system is [12:10] constantly making updates based on what [12:13] you live through and experience, not by [12:15] what you intellectually understand. [12:17] That's why if you had a period of your [12:18] life that was a lot more stressful or [12:20] more traumatic, your nervous system [12:22] adapted and those beliefs change [12:24] depending on those experiences. So we [12:26] have to bring it back to neutral. So [12:28] once you've identified the belief that's [12:30] keeping you stuck, your next step is to [12:32] go gently against it in tiny manageable [12:36] ways. Think of this as like tiny nervous [12:38] system reps. So here's some examples. If [12:40] you believe rest will make my entire [12:42] world unravel, try sitting down just for [12:44] 10 minutes and doing absolutely nothing. [12:46] No phone, no scrolling, no multitasking, [12:49] just rest. If your belief is that saying [12:51] no will make people reject me, start [12:53] with small nos. I don't need a receipt. [12:56] Thanks. No, I'm good. No, I can't do [12:57] that. Then slowly work your way up to [12:59] saying no in relationships and in [13:01] moments where it matters. If your belief [13:03] is conflict means abandonment, try [13:05] sharing a minor preference. You know [13:07] what? I'd actually rather have Italian [13:08] food than sushi. Disagree gently with [13:10] someone you trust. Show yourself that [13:11] it's safe to hold your ground and that [13:13] your life won't fall apart. The goal [13:14] here isn't to push through. The goal [13:17] here is to feel safe enough while doing [13:18] something that challenges the belief so [13:20] your nervous system can notice, hey, [13:22] that thing that I was afraid of, it [13:23] didn't happen. Now, this part is [13:24] important. You're not trying to push [13:26] yourself into extreme discomfort. What [13:29] you want to do is find the sweet spot [13:30] where it's uncomfortable but still [13:33] manageable. If your body is panicking [13:34] and stressing, you went too far. This is [13:37] the start of real rewiring. not just [13:39] thinking a new thought, but also [13:41] experiencing a new experience and a new [13:44] outcome. And when your nervous system [13:45] experiences something new and sees that [13:47] that thing that you were so afraid of [13:49] didn't happen, that's when those deeper [13:51] beliefs about your safety start to [13:53] slowly shift. But step three is crucial [13:55] in this process of rewiring your [13:57] beliefs. Cuz you know how I said you [13:59] don't want to push yourself into extreme [14:02] discomfort? Here's what I mean. Okay, if [14:03] you have a belief that's putting you [14:05] into survival mode and in panic mode, [14:08] let's just take a common fear as an [14:09] example, a fear of public speaking. If [14:12] you force yourself to go give a speech [14:13] to 5,000 people live with those big [14:17] lights shining on you, you're going to [14:19] trigger so much fear and discomfort. And [14:21] even if you make it out of that speech [14:22] alive, and you did just fine, your body [14:24] and nervous system is still going to [14:26] register that experience as stressful [14:29] and traumatic. It's going to reinforce, [14:30] oh yeah, public speaking is dangerous [14:32] because I knew how I felt standing up [14:34] there and that was terrifying. So, this [14:36] is what I mean. You want to push [14:37] yourself outside of your comfort zone, [14:39] but not in a way that is stressful and [14:42] traumatizing. Okay, so if you're afraid [14:43] of public speaking, start by speaking up [14:45] at a big group dinner with your friends [14:47] where you stand up and give like a [14:48] 10-second toast. Still a little scary [14:50] probably, but manageable. You want your [14:52] body to be like, "Hey, I spoke up and [14:54] nothing terrible happened. People didn't [14:55] reject me. I didn't die of [14:56] embarrassment. It wasn't traumatizing." [14:58] You know what? Actually, it was kind of [15:00] fun. I'm glad I did that. That's the [15:01] sweet spot. Uncomfortable enough to [15:03] challenge those initial beliefs, but [15:05] regulated enough so that your nervous [15:07] system doesn't just freak out and so it [15:09] can actually learn from the experience [15:11] and not shut down from it. Now, even in [15:13] that sweet spot, there's going to be [15:14] discomfort. So, whether you're looking [15:15] at your bank account or being vulnerable [15:17] with your partner or trying to release [15:19] control, there's going to be some [15:21] discomfort. When that discomfort comes [15:23] up, it's fine. It will come up. But this [15:26] is the difference right here between [15:27] those who are eventually able to [15:29] regulate their nervous systems and those [15:30] who can't. You don't want to harshly sit [15:33] through the discomfort. You want to [15:35] gently sit through the discomfort. And I [15:38] know that makes no sense, but once I [15:39] explain it, it will. Harshly sitting [15:41] through the discomfort is this. Forcing [15:43] yourself to endure it, white knuckling [15:45] through it, being mean to yourself about [15:47] having that feeling and that belief, [15:49] judging yourself for it, shaming [15:50] yourself for it, getting mad at yourself [15:52] about it. You know what that's going to [15:53] do? It's going to activate that trauma [15:55] or that negative belief even more [15:57] because there's so much rough intensity [15:59] and stress and judgment and shame around [16:02] it. Remember, your nervous system learns [16:04] through experiences and you're literally [16:06] reinforcing a negative experience. [16:08] Gently sitting through the discomfort is [16:10] this. Approaching it with kindness and [16:12] curiosity, softening your body, no [16:14] judgment, no shame, just controlling [16:16] your breathing, slowing down your heart [16:18] rate, putting your hand on your heart if [16:20] you need to, and using supportive inner [16:22] dialogue. In these moments, you can [16:23] literally speak to your nervous system [16:25] like a scared child because in many [16:27] ways, that's exactly what's happening. [16:29] If you showed emotion and feel exposed [16:30] and uncomfortable, you can talk to [16:33] yourself and say, "We're not in danger. [16:35] This is just vulnerability. We can [16:36] handle it. We're safe. We're good. We're [16:38] chill. We can be seen now." If you [16:40] addressed a conflict with someone and [16:41] it's scary, and you feel that discomfort [16:43] start kicking in, you can say to [16:45] yourself, "I know this used to be scary, [16:47] but we can handle it now. We're safe to [16:48] have our own opinions. And even if the [16:50] other person does get mad, we're still [16:52] good. If the guy you were texting who [16:54] you're really starting to like starts to [16:56] not respond so eagerly anymore and you [16:59] start freaking out about it, you can say [17:01] to yourself, "I know this feels like [17:02] rejection and that's scary, but we're [17:04] safe." Even if he's not interested, we [17:06] can handle disappointment. Maybe it's [17:08] clearing the way for something better [17:09] anyways. So, do you feel the difference [17:11] between sitting in the discomfort [17:13] harshly versus sitting in the discomfort [17:15] gently? This is the key. The harshness [17:17] will further reinforce the negative [17:20] experience. The gentleness will slowly [17:22] start to release it because your body is [17:24] no longer reacting so intensely anymore. [17:27] So after you survived the discomfort, [17:29] actively notice what happened. So step [17:32] four is to notice and celebrate the [17:33] evidence. I rested for 10 minutes and [17:35] the world didn't end. I said no and they [17:38] didn't reject me. I had a disagreement [17:39] and the relationship is still intact. [17:41] And in fact, I feel even closer to them. [17:43] I showed my real emotions and they're [17:45] still here. This is the proof your [17:46] nervous system needs. And every time you [17:48] survive doing the things that you once [17:50] thought were dangerous, your nervous [17:52] system and your body starts getting this [17:54] new data. Step five is repeat, repeat, [17:57] repeat. Rewiring your subconscious [17:59] beliefs about safety and regulating your [18:01] nervous system. You don't just do one [18:02] thing once and oh, belief gone. My [18:05] nervous system is all good now. I had [18:06] one good positive public speaking [18:08] experience. No more fear at all. Yay. [18:11] No, it takes repetition. Your nervous [18:13] system learned the old belief through [18:15] repetition probably in childhood. And it [18:18] has to learn the new belief through [18:19] repetition as well. Every time you do [18:21] the thing and survive and not just [18:23] survive, but you stay calm and gentle [18:26] through that process. That's one more [18:28] piece of evidence. That's one more rep. [18:29] Just like if you start lifting weights, [18:31] you don't go, "Gh, one bicep curl. All [18:33] right, I'm super strong now." No, it [18:35] takes reps over and over and over again. [18:38] Same with your nervous system. You are [18:40] literally building new neural pathways [18:43] in your brain and that takes time. And [18:45] here's the wonderful thing. Every single [18:47] rep counts. Every single piece of [18:49] evidence counts. Every time you say no [18:51] without apologizing, every time you rest [18:53] without guilt, every time you have [18:54] conflict without people pleasing your [18:55] way out of it, that's your nervous [18:57] system getting stronger evidence that [18:58] you are safe. And here is the point that [19:00] you cannot miss. The point is that [19:02] eventually your nervous system stops [19:04] seeing these normal life situations as [19:06] dangerous at all. You're not just [19:07] building tolerance to discomfort. You're [19:10] eliminating the perception that there's [19:11] danger in the first place. That is the [19:13] deeper layer that changes everything. [19:15] You're not just coping better. You're [19:16] actually eliminating the problem at its [19:18] source. So, it's not, "Oh, I can handle [19:20] feeling scared when I check my bank [19:22] account." It's I no longer feel scared [19:23] when I check my bank account because my [19:25] nervous system no longer thinks it's [19:26] dangerous. That's when you know the [19:28] rewiring has happened. When checking [19:30] your bank account feels neutral. When [19:32] saying no feels normal. When having a [19:35] disagreement just feels like having a [19:37] disagreement, no alarm bells, no panic, [19:39] just normal human interaction. That's [19:42] real nervous system regulation. Not [19:44] needing tools to manage your reactions, [19:46] but changing your beliefs so those [19:48] reactions don't happen in the first [19:50] place. So be patient with yourself. [19:52] Trust the process. Your nervous system [19:54] is learning even when it doesn't feel [19:56] like it. Okay? So that is how you start [19:58] rewiring those beliefs and start [20:00] regulating your nervous system again. [20:01] But if you've tried this work before and [20:03] you're still struggling, you're not [20:05] unique, you're not the exception, there [20:08] is a reason why. So this next part is [20:10] really important because one of these [20:11] might be the missing piece that you [20:13] need. Here are the most common reasons [20:15] why nervous system rewiring gets stuck [20:17] and isn't working for you and what to do [20:19] about it. The first reason this isn't [20:21] working is because you're going too deep [20:23] too fast. I know we live in a world that [20:25] wants fast results, but that's not how [20:27] your body works. Imagine you decide that [20:30] you want to learn how to do the splits. [20:32] You can't just force yourself into the [20:34] splits. Your body doesn't work that way. [20:36] It's going to break in half. Like your [20:38] muscles are going to snap or something. [20:39] I don't know. But it won't be good. The [20:40] way you learn how to do the splits is [20:42] through consistent gentle stretching. [20:45] Keyword gentle. Not harsh. Ah, get down. [20:50] Gentle. A little bit at a time every [20:52] day. Being consistent with it. And it'll [20:54] feel like you're making no progress at [20:56] all, but then eventually a few weeks or [20:58] months will go by and you'll be like, [20:59] "Oh my gosh, look how much closer I am." [21:01] And I don't know if you ever had braces [21:02] as a kid, but I did for like 4 years. [21:05] And if I went into that orthodontist [21:07] office and he was like, "Sit down. Let [21:08] me fix your teeth." Boom. Like if he [21:10] just tried to do it all in one day and [21:11] pushed them all into place, my teeth [21:13] would have fallen out. But when you have [21:14] braces, it's slow, gentle tightening of [21:17] those braces every single month. It's [21:20] uncomfortable, but it's manageable until [21:22] eventually your teeth are straight. Same [21:24] with your nervous system. If you try to [21:26] stretch your nervous system too much too [21:28] fast, it'll snap and retraumatize you. [21:31] But if you go gently and do it [21:33] consistently but gently over time, it'll [21:35] slowly adjust and bend and recalibrate. [21:38] It just takes time. So if you avoid [21:40] conflict at all costs, like that's your [21:42] belief. You think conflict is terrifying [21:44] and dangerous. Don't start by having the [21:46] biggest fight that you've been avoiding [21:48] for a decade. Start by expressing a tiny [21:50] preference like, "Actually, I think I'd [21:52] rather have the lasagna tonight." The [21:53] goal is to stretch your nervous system, [21:56] not snap it. Your nervous system needs [21:58] to feel like it can handle each step [22:00] before it moves to the next one. [22:03] Otherwise, it goes into protection mode [22:05] and it snaps and you end up reinforcing [22:07] the feeling of danger into your body [22:09] even more. Reason number two is that you [22:12] are missing co-regulation. This one is [22:14] so important and so grossly overlooked, [22:17] especially for women. A lot of people [22:19] don't realize this, but the female [22:20] nervous system is especially sensitive [22:22] to oxytocin. You know, oxytocin, the [22:25] bonding hormone. Oxytocin is released [22:27] during things like eye contact and hugs [22:30] and cuddles and emotional connection and [22:32] intimacy and even holding hands or [22:34] petting your dog. It's nature's way of [22:36] saying, "You're not alone. You're safe. [22:37] You're supported." This is important for [22:39] everyone, but for women especially, [22:41] oxytocin is one of the most powerful [22:43] regulators of the nervous system. This [22:45] is why so many women can do all the [22:47] healing practices in the world. They can [22:49] stay home and meditate and journal and [22:51] cold plunge and still feel anxious and [22:53] lonely and disconnected because they're [22:55] missing the biological need for bonding [22:57] and connection. This is why sometimes, [22:59] you know, when you're stressed and [23:00] overwhelmed and you go over to your best [23:03] friend's house and you talk all night [23:05] and you eat popcorn and you watch a [23:07] nostalgic movie or you spend a cozy date [23:09] night in with your partner and he [23:11] cuddles you and he holds your hand and [23:13] he listens to you talk, those moments of [23:15] affection and shared presence can [23:18] regulate your nervous system faster than [23:20] so many other nervous system hacks ever [23:22] could. We are wired for human [23:24] connection. It is literally in our DNA [23:26] as human beings and especially as women, [23:28] we are even more sensitive to this. [23:30] Okay, it is wired into us that if we do [23:33] not have community and people to be in [23:36] community with, then we are in danger [23:40] and this is just a primal instinct [23:42] especially especially for women. So if [23:45] you are not getting it, you are not [23:46] getting that shared connection, you are [23:48] not getting oxytocin, then no matter [23:50] what you do, your nervous system will [23:52] still feel a little like h unsafe. And [23:56] female hormones literally depend on [23:58] oxytocin for hormone regulation, nervous [24:00] system regulation, for reducing our [24:02] cortisol and making sure we don't get [24:04] stressed. And that is why connection is [24:05] not just a nice to have. It's a [24:07] physiological medicine to the female [24:10] body. The female nervous system doesn't [24:12] just calm down once you do cold plunges [24:14] and breath work. It calms down when it [24:16] starts to feel safe, seen, and [24:19] supported. If you are missing that [24:20] piece, no amount of solo healing work is [24:23] going to fully regulate your nervous [24:25] system. You can meditate for hours. You [24:26] can do breath work every day. You can [24:28] journal until your hand cramps. You can [24:30] try to rewire those beliefs. But if you [24:32] don't have that oxytocin, that [24:34] connection, that feeling of being seen [24:36] and supported, you're most likely going [24:38] to keep feeling anxious and [24:40] disconnected. So maybe you don't need to [24:41] do another meditation. Sometimes you [24:43] just have to call your best friend. And [24:45] lastly, reason number three is that you [24:47] might need real external safety first. [24:50] If you're trying to regulate your [24:52] nervous system and get out of survival [24:53] mode, but your boyfriend is totally [24:55] toxic and you live with him and he's [24:57] mean to you and disrespectful. If you're [24:59] working 12 hours a day with a boss who [25:01] screams at you the whole time, or if [25:02] you're walking home every single night [25:04] in a really sketchy neighborhood, it's [25:06] going to be really hard to get out of [25:08] fight or flight. If you're constantly in [25:10] unsafe situations like this, there's [25:12] nothing wrong with your nervous system [25:14] and how it's reacting. Your nervous [25:16] system isn't disregulated because you're [25:17] always in fight or flight. In fact, it's [25:20] working perfectly. You're supposed to be [25:22] scared of danger. You're supposed to be [25:24] scared of bad things. Sometimes the most [25:27] healing thing you can do isn't to try to [25:29] fix your nervous system, but to actually [25:31] change your circumstances, to leave, to [25:33] set boundaries, to move somewhere else, [25:35] to stop talking to that one person, you [25:37] know, to protect yourself in real [25:39] tangible ways. So my point is is that if [25:41] you've been doing inner work for a long [25:43] time and still feel on edge, maybe [25:46] listen to what your body is telling you. [25:47] Maybe the problem isn't your nervous [25:49] system and maybe it's your situation. [25:51] Before we wrap up, I just want you to [25:53] remember this. A healthy nervous system [25:56] isn't always calm. It doesn't mean that [25:58] you're just chill all the time. A [26:00] healthy nervous system is responsive, [26:02] not stuck. So, it can rev up when it [26:05] needs to. You know, when you really need [26:06] to like focus, perform, or move fast, or [26:09] protect yourself. And it can slow back [26:10] down when it's safe to rest, digest, and [26:13] connect. The goal isn't to never feel [26:15] anxious, or stressed, because that's [26:17] never going to happen. The goal is to [26:20] start trusting life again. Even when [26:22] stress does come up, your body can [26:24] differentiate stress from danger. That [26:27] you can meet whatever life throws at [26:28] you, feel it fully, and come back to [26:31] center. Right? So, if something scary [26:32] does come, your fight or flight gets [26:34] activated, but then after that, it moves [26:36] back down to calm and back to chill. To [26:38] regulate your nervous system, you're not [26:40] aiming for a life without stress. You're [26:42] aiming for a body that knows you're [26:44] safe. I know this video was long. My [26:46] goodness, if you stayed until the very [26:47] end, I appreciate you. And I also really [26:49] hope that you got value from this video. [26:52] If you did, stay until the very end. [26:53] Leave your favorite green emoji in the [26:56] comments below so I know. Now, if you [26:58] want to go even deeper into uncovering [27:00] the hidden beliefs and patterns that are [27:02] running your life and ruining your life, [27:04] my beginner's guide to shadow work is [27:05] the perfect next step. Shadow work has [27:08] always been confusing and very woo woo. [27:10] But not in this video. I break it down [27:11] so clearly, you'll instantly see how [27:13] it's been running your life behind the [27:15] scenes and what to do about it. So, I'll [27:16] see you over there, or I'll just see you [27:18] next time in my next video.