# Dating Coach: #1 Sign You’ve Found the Right Person (Or If You’re SETTLING)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tw_e9YdRXDg
Translation: zh-TW

[00:00] who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make
  你決定與誰合作是你一生中最重要的決定之一

[00:05] if someone is not into you they absolutely are not for you
  如果有人對你沒興趣，那他們絕對不適合你

[00:10] world-renowned relationship coach podcast host and speaker Jillian tki
  世界知名的關係教練、播客主持人兼演講者 Jillian TKI

[00:15] it's the why me this is never going to happen people then get into this learned helplessness this state that I am in is permanent
  這是為什麼我，這永遠不會發生，人們然後陷入這種習得性無助，我所處的這種狀態是永久的

[00:21] no what are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now
  不，我現在約會犯的最大三個錯誤是什麼？

[00:26] okay so number one is the number one Health and Wellness podcast J shett J shett the one the only J shett
  好的，所以第一名是第一名的健康與保健播客 J Shett J Shett 獨一無二的 J Shett

[00:38] I always trying to get a sense of what our audience is worried about and concerned about and challenged with and one of the big things that keeps coming up is what are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now
  我總是試圖了解我們的聽眾擔心什麼、關心什麼、面臨什麼挑戰，而不斷出現的一個大問題是，我現在約會犯的最大三個錯誤是什麼？

[00:51] like what am I getting wrong about dating that seems to be the top question
  像是關於約會我哪裡做錯了，這似乎是大家最關心的問題

[00:55] so there's a few things one is it shouldn't just be the apps I don't tell
  所以有幾件事，一是它不應該只是交友軟體，我不說

[01:00] people get off the apps sometimes I say get on the apps but if you just focus on that that's going to burn you out and it's going to exhaust you and you're meeting a bunch of strangers
  人們有時會退出應用程式，我說要使用應用程式，但如果你只專注於此，你會筋疲力盡，這會讓你精疲力盡，而且你會遇到很多陌生人

[01:11] so that's like another mistake that people make is that they're impatient
  所以這是人們犯的另一個錯誤，那就是他們沒有耐心

[01:15] it's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with like it's just not that easy
  你不是每天都會遇到你想建立關係的人，這沒那麼容易

[01:24] but you have to get out there you have to be proactive
  但你必須走出去，你必須積極主動

[01:29] look there are people people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the couch next to them and it's not going to happen that way
  看，有些人坐在沙發上，等著那個人跌到他們旁邊的沙發上，這是不會發生的

[01:38] so you can either live your life to the fullest and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you widen your circle
  所以你可以盡情享受生活，相信有一天有機率會發生，如果你把自己展現出來，擴大你的社交圈

[01:49] or you actually have to be proactive and that might mean going on a like dating like it's your business like going on a bunch of dates every single week with this low of an ation is
  或者你必須積極主動，這可能意味著像對待你的生意一樣去約會，就像每週約會很多次一樣，這種低期望值是

[02:00] possible cuz one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this but you're texting with someone you're kind of excited you feel like there's a vibe and then you go out and you're like uh I don't feel a spark or I'm not into it and then there's this people then get into learned helplessness and when they go into learned helplessness they're like you know it's the why me this is never going to happen it's this state that I am in is permanent like I will never find anyone no dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills social skills are things that most people are not that great at honestly even the people who think that they're really great at it it takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them you know a lot of people are nervous so practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and getting to know someone and who knows maybe you make a friend and maybe you never want to see that person again but at least you're practicing so the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps
  可能因為人們在約會中最常犯的錯誤之一，我對此感同身受，充滿同情和理解，但你正在和某人發短信，你有點興奮，你覺得有氣氛，然後你出去約會，你卻說，嗯，我沒有感覺到火花，或者我對這不感興趣，然後人們就會陷入習得性無助，當他們陷入習得性無助時，他們會想，為什麼是我，這永遠不會發生，我現在的狀態是永久的，我永遠找不到任何人，不，約會其實是個練習你社交技巧的機會，社交技巧是大多數人都不擅長的事情，老實說，即使是那些認為自己很擅長的人，要真正與人交談而不是盤問他們，並真正對他們感到好奇，這需要很多努力，你知道，很多人都很緊張，所以練習呼吸，讓自己身體感到舒適，並了解一個人，誰知道呢，也許你會交到一個朋友，也許你永遠不想再見到那個人，但至少你在練習，所以最大的三個錯誤就是只關注約會軟體。

[03:03] and not actually expanding your circle
  並且實際上沒有擴展你的社交圈

[03:05] and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically number two
  做新事物，讓某些事情有機地展開，第二點

[03:10] impatience number three just sort of high expectations but I want to add another one if I can please
  不耐煩，第三點，就是有點過高的期望，但如果可以的話，我想再加一點

[03:14] people get into these very long I mean when I say long like weeks texting exchanges with these people and it gives them a false sense of intimacy
  人們陷入這種非常長的，我是說當我說長的時候，就像幾週的短信交流，這給了他們一種虛假的親密感

[03:25] oh I have this amazing connection they never even met the person
  哦，我有一種很棒的聯繫，他們甚至從未見過那個人

[03:29] and then maybe they never meet don't do that text a little bit back and forth like a day and make a date to either meet meet on face time zoom or in person
  然後也許他們永遠不會見面，不要那樣做，來回發短信一天，然後約個時間見面，無論是 FaceTime、Zoom 還是親自見面

[03:40] you really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who uh may not be available for a month
  你真的應該這樣做，好像你的時間太寶貴了，不能浪費在和一個可能一個月都無法聯繫的陌生人來回發短信

[03:47] yeah for a month or more and then you're getting all excit I understand like the thrill of it and it's all it's exciting but it's such a waste of time honestly
  是的，一個月或更長時間，然後你就會變得非常興奮，我明白那種刺激感，而且這一切都很令人興奮，但說實話，這太浪費時間了

[03:59] you know the person as you were speaking I was thinking about what's at the root
  你知道這個人，當你說話的時候，我在想根源是什麼

[04:03] of that for so many people and one of the things that came to me was this fear of rejection yes.
  這一切對這麼多人來說，而其中一件事來到我這裡，就是這種被拒絕的恐懼，是的。

[04:09] so even the idea of I'm talking to this person for a month is because I don't have to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to meet me again or the resistance that we have to make work and dating feel the same.
  所以，即使我與這個人交談了一個月的想法，是因為我不用面對可能遇到某人，而他們再也不想見我，或者我們必須讓約會感覺一樣的阻力。

[04:25] I know so many people who will cancel on dates last minute because they're scared of well what if I go and it doesn't work out or and and rejection by the way is two types of rejection.
  我知道很多人會臨時取消約會，因為他們害怕，嗯，如果我去，結果不如預期怎麼辦？或者，順帶一提，拒絕有兩種。

[04:37] one type of rejection is that person doesn't want me and the other type of rejection is that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person I don't want to be with them.
  一種拒絕是那個人不想要我，另一種拒絕是那個人不符合我的期望，或者那個人我不想和他們在一起。

[04:45] so I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of well what if that person doesn't like me.
  所以我不只是說拒絕，我們害怕，嗯，如果那個人不喜歡我怎麼辦。

[04:51] we're also scared of the am I going to reject another person like you said with the high expectations.
  我們也害怕，就像你說的，有高期望，我會不會拒絕另一個人。

[04:56] what do we do about both of those types of our fear of rejection because let's take the the.
  我們該如何處理這兩種被拒絕的恐懼？因為讓我們來看看，看看。

[05:03] more obvious one to start with we all want to be loved we want to be liked
  一個更明顯的開頭，我們都想被愛，我們都想受人喜歡

[05:08] we all want the next person to be the person yeah chances are that's not going to happen
  我們都希望下一個人就是那個人，是的，很有可能不會發生

[05:12] we know that but still we struggle with the fact that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to say well you're not right for me or you know I don't don't really want to see you again
  我們知道這一點，但我們仍然為這個事實而掙扎，我將要遇見某人，他們會說，嗯，你不是適合我的人，或者你知道，我真的不想再見到你了

[05:22] like how do you get over that because we talk about it in entrepreneurship we talk about it in life but when you do it with love it seems so personal
  就像你如何克服它，因為我們在創業中談論它，我們在生活中談論它，但當你用愛來做這件事時，它似乎非常個人化

[05:28] it's one thing to be rejected by the person you love it's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know
  被你愛的人拒絕是一回事，被一個你不認識的陌生人拒絕是另一回事

[05:34] this is just human nature we go on dates even if we're not into the person we want them to be into us or right
  這只是人性，我們去約會，即使我們對那個人不感興趣，我們也希望他們對我們感興趣，或者對吧

[05:42] yes or like we find them let's say we find them attractive and then we find out wait you're not into me you don't find me attractive yeah
  是的，或者就像我們發現他們，假設我們發現他們有吸引力，然後我們發現，等等，你對我沒興趣，你不覺得我有吸引力，是的

[05:50] but life really the quality of Our Lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection
  但生活，我們生活的質量，很大程度上取決於我們如何能夠面對拒絕

[05:58] like you're not going to be for everyone and I really believe this with all of my heart and soul if someone
  就像你不會適合每個人，我真的全心全意地相信這一點，如果有人

[06:06] is not into you for whatever reason like let's say you're in the early dating process.
  無論出於何種原因，對方就是對你沒興趣，比如說，你正處於早期約會階段。

[06:09] they're not attracted to you.
  他們對你沒有吸引力。

[06:10] they're not feeling a spark whatever it is.
  他們沒有感覺到火花，無論是什麼。

[06:11] they absolutely are not for you I can guarantee that.
  他們絕對不適合你，我可以保證。

[06:15] so it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle.
  所以，培養抵抗拒絕的韌性肌肉很重要。

[06:22] first of all it makes a person more attractive.
  首先，這會讓人更有吸引力。

[06:24] second of all it's just part of life.
  其次，這只是生活的一部分。

[06:27] and I know that it's a you're putting yourself out there.
  我知道你正在將自己置於其中。

[06:31] but I wish there was like a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it.
  但我希望我能像給人們一顆神奇藥丸一樣，讓他們就此釋懷。

[06:36] but you have to become more resilient when it comes to that.
  但你必須變得更有韌性來面對這件事。

[06:38] you know you can't be hiding behind text and not actually meet the person.
  你知道，你不能躲在文字後面而不真正見面。

[06:42] it sounds hard but you have to be stronger than that honestly.
  聽起來很難，但說實話，你必須比這更堅強。

[06:47] you really really do and and you have to just trust that like you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you.
  你真的真的必須這樣做，而且你必須相信，你不是適合每個人，也不是每個人都適合你。

[06:53] and yes it's awkward and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all.
  是的，這很尷尬，也許我們可以一起承認這一切的尷尬。

[06:57] you know but you still have to if you want love and you want a relationship you have to go for it.
  你知道，但如果你想要愛情和一段關係，你仍然必須去爭取。

[07:01] you can't just be passive you're looking for.
  你不能只是被動地尋找。

[07:07] one person to fall in love with you and for you to fall in love with yes and for that you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find that one person but all you need is one person to say yes one person to say I do one person to say I love you and if you're only looking for one person just by the nature of odds you should know yes that that probably won't be the next person so switching to that you said one thing about kind of going in at the lowest Baseline expectation which I agree with because then you're allowing it to become a friendship you're allowing it to become a nothing ship you're allow you're allowing it to become what it is as opposed to us walking in and going this next person's going to be my wife my husband whatever it may be my partner I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to speed up love Yeah like speeding up love seems to be our addiction and obsession with I just want to meet the one now that we're I just want to get married now you know it's we're trying to accelerate love almost so how do we slow
  一個人愛上你，你也愛上對方，是的，為此你必須認識很多人才能找到那個人，但你只需要一個人說好，一個人說我願意，一個人說我愛你，如果你只在尋找一個人，僅憑機率你應該知道，是的，那個人很可能不會是下一個，所以轉向你說的一點，關於進入最低的基礎期望，我同意，因為這樣你就允許它發展成友誼，允許它發展成什麼都不是的關係，允許它成為它本來的樣子，而不是我們走進去說下一個人將是我的妻子、我的丈夫，無論如何，我的伴侶，我認為我們許多人都很自然地想加速愛情，是的，就像加速愛情似乎是我們的癮和執著，我只想馬上遇見對的那個人，我只想馬上結婚，你知道嗎，我們試圖加速愛情，那麼我們該如何放慢

[08:09] it down and how do we take it back to Baseline number one is there is no the.
  把它放下，我們該如何回到起點一，那就是沒有那個。

[08:15] one there really isn't I mean we actually choose who the one is and this is this is really really important love.
  真的沒有那一個，我的意思是我們實際上選擇誰是那一個，這，這真的很重要，愛。

[08:23] as I'm sure you know is a choice like it's a feeling for sure but we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice and that when if you do decide to be with someone long term you're going to have to make that choice many many times throughout your relationship which is I Choose You right.
  正如你所知，這是一種選擇，就像它是一種感覺，當然，但我們被如此習慣性地認為愛只是一種感覺，而不是一種選擇，而當你決定與某人長期相處時，你將不得不在你的關係中一次又一次地做出這個選擇，那就是我選擇你，對嗎？

[08:44] so people want to rush it and so what they do and what I've done is that we lie to ourselves and it's also because we've been lied by society that there is and Romanticism that there is this one person who's going to come into your life and and rescue you and make your life better and that once you find that person like everything becomes easier and and I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships but the.
  所以人們想急於求成，所以他們所做的，以及我所做的，就是我們欺騙自己，這也是因為社會欺騙了我們，認為存在著浪漫主義，認為會有那一個人來到你的生活中，拯救你，讓你的生活變得更好，而且一旦你找到那個人，一切都會變得更容易，我當然不是主張人們處於困難的關係中，但是。

[09:11] more challenges you've had in relationships the less that you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone
  你在人際關係中遇到的挑戰越多，你就越不被教導如何真正去愛一個人

[09:16] the more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love to where where it's a verb and not just a feeling
  你就越會面臨挑戰，去克服和超越舊事物和舊模式，去真正地愛一個人，並將愛視為一個動詞，而不僅僅是一種感覺

[09:30] so how do we slow it down and we just want to rush it it's about acknowledging that feeling
  那麼我們如何放慢腳步，而我們只想著趕快進行，這是關於承認那種感覺

[09:35] so a lot of people they meet there's chemistry and I know that this was me I think if there's chemistry then this is it
  所以很多人見面時會產生化學反應，我知道這曾經是我，我認為如果產生了化學反應，那就是它了

[09:43] as opposed to well maybe in the past there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people so maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm
  與之相反的是，也許過去曾有過化學反應，而我卻沒有和對的人產生化學反應，所以也許我需要稍微放慢腳步，處理一下我的熱情

[09:57] and it's not about I don't want anyone to I don't want to rain on anyone's parade like all that stuff is really fun in the beginning
  這不是說我不想讓任何人，我不想掃大家的興，就像所有那些事情在開始時都很有趣

[10:00] but you want to just say okay hold on what am I feeling right now this feels really good this is really exciting but I need to slow down because I actually need to
  但你只想說，好吧，等等，我現在感覺如何？這感覺很好，這真的很令人興奮，但我需要放慢腳步，因為我實際上需要

[10:11] uncover this person's character I need to uncover their values I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need what it is that I value and what it is that I really really want.
  要了解這個人的品格，我需要了解他們的價值觀，我或許需要更清楚地了解我需要什麼，我重視什麼，以及我真正真正想要什麼。

[10:24] not just my preference but what do I need in order to function in a relationship do I have some understanding of myself.
  不只是我的偏好，而是我需要什麼才能在一段關係中發揮作用，我是否對自己有一些了解？

[10:30] you know it's difficult women childbearing age societal pressures get married I understand I have nothing but compassion for that.
  你知道這很難，育齡婦女，社會壓力，結婚，我理解，我對此只有同情。

[10:39] the more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life.
  我越能強調，你決定與誰結伴，是你一生中最重要的決定之一。

[10:51] and we are meant to kind of get it wrong and some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others right but but it is the most important decision so if you're going to rush that you're really truly doing yourself a disservice and you have to get comfortable with the fact that yes you're scared you're
  而我們注定會犯錯，有些人犯錯的時間比其他人長，對吧？但這是最重要的決定，所以如果你要倉促做出這個決定，你真的就是在虧待自己，而且你必須習慣這個事實，是的，你很害怕，你

[11:12] scared to be alone you're scared to not be loved you don't want to be in the dating world I get all of that be mindful of it you know connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions if not the most important decision because there's no one in your life who's going to have a bigger impact on your overall well-being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with so you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it I've often said to friends there's the pain of being single and there's the pain of being in the wrong relationship yes and the pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship agree 100% agree 100% it's it's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got and meshed into each other's lives there's the toxicity there's complexity there's as you said
  害怕孤單，害怕不被愛，你不想進入約會的世界，我明白這一切，要留意這點，你知道，連結到你內在的自我，並永遠提醒自己，你決定共度一生的人，可能是最重要的決定之一，如果不是最重要的決定，因為你生命中沒有人會比你選擇共度一生的人，對你的整體幸福感和情緒狀態產生更大的影響，所以你必須非常認真地做出這個決定，不要倉促行事，我常常對朋友說，有單身的痛苦，也有處於錯誤關係中的痛苦，是的，單身的痛苦遠勝於處於錯誤關係中的痛苦，百分之百同意，百分之百同意，當你和某人約會，你們的生活交織在一起時，這真的很難，有毒性，有複雜性，正如你所說

[12:13] earlier there's a disconnect in your values.
  早些時候，你的價值觀出現了脫節。

[12:15] yes the person's character you think you just discovered it but actually they showed it all along and you didn't see the signs.
  是的，那個人的品格，你以為你剛發現，但其實他們一直都在展現，而你沒有看到跡象。

[12:21] and now you're thinking gosh I was happier when I was single.
  而現在你卻在想，天啊，我單身的時候更快樂。

[12:25] and you can't see that when you're single because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I must have that now.
  而你單身時卻看不到這一點，因為一段關係的承諾是如此誘人且令人陶醉，以至於我們覺得我現在必須擁有它。

[12:34] yes and many of those people might think yes it's easier when I'm single but they're actually afraid to go back to it and that's why they stay in these relationships.
  是的，而許多這樣的人可能會想，是的，我單身時更容易，但他們實際上害怕回到那樣，這就是為什麼他們會留在這些關係中。

[12:48] because we fear the unknown one of the biggest problems in relationships is that if someone's into us we see it as their weakness and if someone's not into us we see it as their strength.
  因為我們害怕未知，關係中最大的問題之一是，如果有人喜歡我們，我們就視為他們的弱點，如果有人不喜歡我們，我們就視為他們的優點。

[13:01] you're never going to raise your self-esteem by being too precious with yourself.
  你永遠無法透過過於珍視自己來提升自尊。

[13:02] you have to be willing to be brave and to look at the hard things but also at the same time acknowledge how strong you are.
  你必須願意勇敢並面對艱難的事情，但同時也要承認你有多堅強。

[13:09] it takes a tremendous amount of
  這需要極大的

[13:15] resilience just to be a human being why is it that we end up being attracted to people that are not into us and then people are into us we're not into them why does that happen I'm going to give you some theories and there are theories shared by many but one thing that I say is that if anyone truly understood 100% the answer to that they would win the Nobel Peace Prize right because everyone has these theories and they're good theories and they're rooted in Psychology I really want to put out there that no one truly has the answer to that but there's some really good theories so one Theory when someone is not paying as much attention to us that could trigger attraction and one of the reasons is well maybe they are like maybe there's something really special about them and so we put them on a pedestal and where we are on the spectrum of our self-esteem impacts that greatly so if we are on the lower end of self-esteem then we are going to meet

[14:17] people often and think that they are better than us.
  人們經常認為他們比我們優秀。

[14:21] if our self-esteem is on the healthy level then we kind of are like well I'm not better than anyone else and no one's really better than me.
  如果我們的自尊心處於健康水平，那麼我們就會想，嗯，我並不比任何人好，也沒有人真的比我好。

[14:27] we are all one right and then of course there's the grandiosity which is they think everyone is sort of below them in some way.
  我們都是一體的，對吧？然後當然還有那種自大，認為每個人在某種程度上都比他們差。

[14:32] but the people who I work with and most of the problems and I think the people who probably write into you there's more of a lower self-esteem issue happening.
  但與我共事的人，以及大多數問題，我認為那些可能會寫信給你的人，更多的是自尊心較低的問題。

[14:40] where they put someone up on a pedestal and they project unconsciously their ideal partner onto this person.
  他們會把某人捧上神壇，並無意識地將他們理想的伴侶投射到這個人身上。

[14:51] maybe this person looks exactly like a childhood crush or like you know the actor who they were always in love with.
  也許這個人看起來就像童年時的暗戀對象，或者你知道的，那個他們一直愛慕的演員。

[14:59] or maybe there is just something about them and their vibe that they're like this is the person that I want.
  或者也許只是他們和他們的氣質有什麼特別之處，讓他們覺得「這就是我想要的人」。

[15:02] and and or maybe it's their job the things on the surface.
  或者也許是他們的工作，那些表面的東西。

[15:05] people will then think I must get this person because if I get this person then I'm actually getting everything that I've ever wanted in a partner on the surface.
  人們就會想「我一定要得到這個人」，因為如果我得到了這個人，那麼我就真正得到了我在伴侶身上一直想要的一切，至少在表面上是這樣。

[15:14] if I get
  如果我得到

[15:17] this person I'm validated I'm going to have a good life right so it's all an illusion it truly is all an illusion.
  這個人我被認可了，我將會過上美好的生活，所以這一切都是幻覺，它確實是所有幻覺。

[15:26] then there's like the deeper childhood wounds of my father was very rejecting.
  然後還有更深層的童年創傷，我的父親非常排斥我。

[15:31] I'm I'm putting this in the context just because I'm a woman who dates men so I'm just thinking more but it could be you know obviously whoever you date but if one of your parents was rejecting of you and that's all you ever knew and so you never really felt good enough.
  我我之所以這樣說，只是因為我是一個和男人約會的女人，所以我只是在想更多，但你知道，顯然是和你約會的任何人，但如果你的父母之一排斥你，而你所知道的就只有這些，所以你從未真正覺得自己足夠好。

[15:45] so actually in dating and in love your sort of like center of gravity psychologically is I work really hard to earn love as opposed to understanding or being used to no like all I have to do is be myself and the right person is going to fall madly in love with me right.
  所以實際上在約會和愛情中，你心理上的重心是，我非常努力地去贏得愛，而不是理解或習慣於不，就像我所要做的就是做我自己，而對的人會瘋狂地愛上我，對吧。

[16:05] you know be myself with a little dosage of like also let me check myself right.
  你知道，做我自己，再加上一點點，讓我也審視一下自己，對吧。

[16:11] so people are used to that they're used to the rejection and they and then again the lower self-esteem if they're not into me challenge accepted so other.
  所以人們習慣了，他們習慣了被拒絕，然後他們又一次，自尊心低下，如果他們不喜歡我，接受挑戰，所以其他。

[16:19] people are just like there's a Competitive Edge I'm going to be like I'm going to change this person or I'm going to be the inspiration for their change or I'm I'm going to make them notice me there's just a conglomerate of influences around that.
  人們就像，有一個競爭優勢，我會想，我要改變這個人，或者我要成為他們改變的靈感，或者我要讓他們注意到我，周圍有各種各樣的影響。

[16:34] Why are they not attracted to the person who's actually into them?
  為什麼他們不被真正喜歡他們的人吸引呢？

[16:39] Again, a lot of theories and I think they're good ones.
  再說一次，有很多理論，我認為它們是好的理論。

[16:41] Fear of intimacy.
  害怕親密關係。

[16:43] You know, if and this is all unconscious, if I'm into the person who's into me, then we actually have to be in a relationship and then I actually have to be vulnerable and then I actually have to be emotionally available and then we're going to build this thing and like, ooh, that's icky and scary.
  你知道，如果，而這一切都是無意識的，如果我喜歡一個喜歡我的人，那麼我們實際上必須處於一段關係中，然後我實際上必須變得脆弱，然後我實際上必須情感上開放，然後我們將要建立這段關係，然後，哦，那很噁心又可怕。

[16:59] What's easier for me is to go for the person who's completely emotionally unavailable who's actually not that into me and may not even be that nice to me, but they're hot and there's something about them and I really want to have sex with them and I'm just going to use that as sort of like an.
  對我來說更容易的是去追求那個完全情感上無法親近的人，那個實際上並不那麼喜歡我，甚至可能對我不太好的人，但他們很性感，他們身上有某種東西，我真的很想和他們發生性關係，我只是想以此作為一種。

[17:12] There's some deeper healing needs to go on there.
  那裡需要一些更深層次的療癒。

[17:14] Like that might require therapy, that might require looking into your family of origin and trying to understand that.
  比如那可能需要治療，那可能需要審視你的原生家庭並試圖理解它。

[17:22] there could be like for a woman who's dating a man you know maybe she has a a very misguided understanding of what it is for a man to be masculine right
  可能對於一個正在和男人約會的女人來說，你知道，也許她對男人應該如何陽剛有一個非常錯誤的理解，對吧？

[17:33] so a woman typically is looking for lots of different things but a lot of women who date men are looking for a man where she wants to feel safe she wants to feel safe and she wants to feel seen she wants to feel understood
  所以一個女人通常在尋找很多不同的東西，但是很多和男人約會的女人都在尋找一個男人，她希望在他身邊感到安全，她希望感到安全，她希望被看見，她希望被理解。

[17:46] maybe she's looking for some providership and maybe that has nothing to do with money but just has to do with energy and Vibe right
  也許她在尋找某種供養，而這可能與金錢無關，而僅僅與能量和氛圍有關，對吧？

[17:52] and so then she'll look to the man who may on the outside seem strong maybe he's tough you know maybe his physique is big and strong maybe he's got a little bit of like that dark Edge
  然後她就會看向那個男人，他可能在外表上看起來很強壯，也許他很 tough，你知道，也許他的體格又大又壯，也許他有一點那種黑暗的邊緣。

[18:07] so she reads it as oh he's going to protect me there's something masculine sexy about him but on the inside he's broken he has no idea how to love because he doesn't know how to love himself
  所以她會解讀為哦，他會保護我，他身上有某種陽剛性感的特質，但內心卻是破碎的，他不知道如何去愛，因為他不知道如何愛自己。

[18:18] he's not safe he's actually very unsafe even if not
  他不安全，他實際上非常不安全，即使不是。

[18:23] physically he's going to be unsafe.
  從身體上來說，他將是不安全的。

[18:25] emotionally and so there's a maturity.
  從情感上來說，所以需要一種成熟度。

[18:27] that needs to happen to understand that.
  這需要發生才能理解這一點。

[18:29] like your type you have to get under the hood of the car a little bit more and understand.
  就像你的類型一樣，你必須稍微深入了解汽車的引擎蓋，並理解。

[18:33] like if you're looking for those qualities in a person and I'm just using this an example.
  就像如果你正在尋找一個人身上具備這些品質，而我只是用這個作為例子。

[18:37] then really what's actually going to be safe is someone with strong character someone with presence someone who has a sense of self.
  那麼真正安全的是一個有強烈品格的人，一個有氣場的人，一個有自我意識的人。

[18:45] who can actually feel safe in his or own her own body.
  他或她自己能夠真正地在自己的身體裡感到安全。

[18:48] when they can feel safe in their body they can actually provide safety for you in the relationship.
  當他們能在自己的身體裡感到安全時，他們就能在關係中為你提供安全感。

[18:54] and that you also have to understand how to make yourself safe.
  而且你也必須了解如何讓自己感到安全。

[18:56] so there's a lot going on.
  所以有很多事情在發生。

[18:58] I hope I'm not saying too much but yeah but so there's maturity level here.
  我希望我沒有說太多，但是的，所以這裡有一個成熟度水平。

[19:02] there's misguided understanding of what it is for someone to truly be embodied and safe and valued.
  對於一個人來說，真正地具備體現、安全和被重視，存在著誤解。

[19:10] and then there's also childhood wound wounding.
  然後還有童年的創傷。

[19:13] and they can it can could be all part of it.
  而這一切都可以是其中的一部分。

[19:14] I'm hoping that for everyone who's listening and watching those theories give you an Insight.
  我希望對於所有正在收聽和觀看的人來說，這些理論能給你帶來啟示。

[19:18] yes into how to increase your awareness about yourself.
  是的，關於如何提高你對自己的認識。

[19:23] and about the person opposite the table that you're dating or that you're seeing.
  以及關於你正在約會或交往的桌子對面那個人。

[19:27] and one of the biggest problems in relationships is that if someone's into us we see it as their weakness and if someone's not into us we see it as their strength.
  而人際關係中最大的問題之一是，如果有人喜歡我們，我們就認為那是他們的弱點，如果有人不喜歡我們，我們就認為那是他們的優點。

[19:37] and it goes back to where you start this book is that it all begins with you.
  這又回到了你開始寫這本書的初衷，那就是一切都始於你。

[19:41] yes because all of that is made up in our minds because we're saying oh well if you're into me then that means you must be weak because you're into me.
  是的，因為這一切都是我們腦海中虛構的，因為我們說，哦，好吧，如果你喜歡我，那就意味著你一定很軟弱，因為你喜歡我。

[19:51] yes if you're not into me then that means you must be really special and important because you're not into me.
  是的，如果你不喜歡我，那就意味著你一定很特別、很重要，因為你不喜歡我。

[19:56] and so again it comes back to us.
  所以，再一次，這又回到了我們身上。

[19:59] and so when you say it begins with you how do we learn to acknowledge our strengths and accept our weaknesses.
  所以，當你說一切始於你時，我們如何學會認識到自己的優點並接受自己的缺點呢？

[20:09] how do we learn to build our self-esteem at the same time as have self-awareness yeah of our shortcomings.
  我們如何在擁有自我認知，是的，認識到自己的不足的同時，學會建立自尊呢？

[20:14] what does that look like.
  那看起來是什麼樣子的？

[20:16] so it's difficult because when you're dealing with because what you just said like if you're into me then you must be weak but if you're not into
  所以這很困難，因為當你處理你剛才說的那些情況時，比如如果你喜歡我，那你一定很軟弱，但如果你不喜歡我，

[20:25] me then you must be strong that's all

[20:26] through the filter of low self-esteem

[20:28] and low self worth it's like what's

[20:31] wrong with you that you are actually

[20:33] into me it's not just about

[20:36] accountability it's like can you see how

[20:39] incredibly powerful you are that you can

[20:43] be the change that you want to see in

[20:45] your life this isn't about like oh

[20:48] you're the problem it's really rarely

[20:51] that it's one person who's the problem

[20:53] in a relational Dynamic yes it does

[20:56] exist for very extreme cases and I'm

[20:59] never going to say that it's 50/50 you

[21:02] know it really could be someone who's

[21:03] 70% of the quote unquote problem and

[21:05] someone who's

[21:07] 30% but if you can see that your

[21:11] relationship or your life is really the

[21:14] product of the choices that you make and

[21:17] that it's not your fault if you didn't

[21:19] learn like we're all trying to figure

[21:21] out what it really truly means to love

[21:23] someone philosophers have been talking

[21:25] about this for centuries trying to

[21:28] understand what love is or is not and

[21:30] especially if you were raised in a

[21:32] family where like your parents really

[21:33] kind of didn't love each other you know

[21:35] maybe they said they loved each other

[21:37] but their actions would speak otherwise

[21:39] so we're all really trying to do the

[21:41] best that we can do with the tools that

[21:43] we have and really this book is just

[21:45] about giving tools so how do you build

[21:47] self-awareness and also have the

[21:49] self-esteem you're never going to raise

[21:51] your self-esteem by being too precious

[21:53] with yourself you have to be willing to

[21:56] be brave and to look at the hard things

[21:58] but also at the same time acknowledge

[22:01] how strong you are like let's just start

[22:04] with that like all the miles that you

[22:05] walked all the things that you've had to

[22:07] overcome all the struggles all the late

[22:10] nights that maybe you've had of being

[22:12] really anxious and yet you still manage

[22:14] to go to sleep and get up the next

[22:16] morning and get ready for work or get

[22:19] your kids ready it takes a tremendous

[22:22] amount of resilience just to be a human

[22:24] being so just acknowledge that and at

[22:28] the same time time get really curious we

[22:30] are very complex weird creatures you

[22:34] know like we're all so nuanced and

[22:36] quirky don't think that you're so unique

[22:38] in your

[22:39] problems like you are not these these

[22:43] things that you worry about millions of

[22:44] people are having the same worry at the

[22:46] same time that's actually not what makes

[22:48] you unique your problems don't make you

[22:50] unique the other beautiful things about

[22:53] you are actually what make you unique

[22:56] yeah the healing happens when you can

[22:59] acknowledge the ways in which maybe

[23:01] you've been standing in your own way and

[23:03] contributing to whatever it is that you

[23:05] don't want to have in life what's your

[23:07] take on the mindset that a lot of people

[23:10] can naturally again I empathize with it

[23:12] too can get stuck into which is like

[23:14] there's no good men left yeah or this

[23:16] idea that all the good men are either

[23:19] taken or yeah or they don't exist

[23:22] anymore they don't exist what happens

[23:24] when you've got into that place and

[23:26] let's say it's been a valid experience

[23:28] you've had like the last three guys you

[23:31] were talking to ghosted you yeah right

[23:33] maybe there was someone who you actually

[23:35] started dating you were seeing them and

[23:37] then you asked them an important

[23:38] question to you or shared something

[23:40] vulnerably and now that person cut you

[23:42] out so what do we do with the mindset

[23:44] because it could be valid or it could be

[23:46] something you came up with but either

[23:48] way what do we do with that I've worked

[23:49] with hundreds of couples I work with

[23:51] people at all stages of their

[23:52] relationship life but a lot of singles

[23:54] are kind of like you know kind of the

[23:56] loudest because they want love and I

[23:57] understand that and so I the first thing

[23:59] they work on is their mindset and their

[24:01] belief system and so yes all the good

[24:03] ones are taken and yeah I want to

[24:04] validate everyone if who've had really

[24:07] hard experiences so I'm going to tell a

[24:09] story if that's okay yeah so I was out

[24:11] for dinner recently with some friends

[24:13] one man and two women and we were in New

[24:16] York City I really care about this girl

[24:18] like you know she helps me out and I'm

[24:19] just like I want to get you I want to

[24:20] get you partnered I want like what's

[24:22] going on I wanted to sort of like

[24:24] understand what was going on with her I

[24:26] said well what is it like what do you

[24:27] what is it that you believe about men

[24:28] she's like well I just think all men

[24:30] really just want one thing sex I was

[24:33] like Wow interesting I don't really

[24:36] think that's true and then our guy

[24:38] friend who was there was like that's

[24:39] really not true but she has this core

[24:43] belief and it's

[24:45] reinforced because she's gone on dates

[24:48] with men and they've sort of not really

[24:52] valued getting to know her and have made

[24:56] advances that were really in appropriate

[24:59] but guess what she gives them a second

[25:02] date and then she gives him a second

[25:04] date and then it's even more

[25:07] reinforced and I said to her and she

[25:10] wanted me to be really brutally honest

[25:11] with her I said first of all that's

[25:13] actually not true sure it's true for

[25:15] some but it's actually not true there

[25:17] are actually men out there who will be

[25:21] very attracted to you in a way that they

[25:24] want to know more about you like they're

[25:27] drawn to you they're magnetized to you

[25:30] yes it's attraction in the beginning

[25:31] it's lust but they want to know they

[25:33] want to know you and they want a

[25:35] relationship there's millions of men

[25:38] single men who want love and want a

[25:41] relationship but you're choosing the

[25:44] ones who kind of

[25:47] suck and who just want that from you and

[25:50] you are actually rewarding their

[25:53] behavior by giving them another date so

[25:56] you're part of the problem these men

[25:58] getting rewarded because they're getting

[25:59] some smart intelligent beautiful woman

[26:02] they're getting a second date after they

[26:04] are treating you like they could care

[26:06] less about you so you are

[26:09] actually training these men to do more

[26:12] of what they already do instead of being

[26:15] like yeah I'm not interested and

[26:17] absolutely never seeing them again and

[26:20] deciding to be a little bit higher with

[26:23] your standard and a little bit stricter

[26:24] with your sort of boundaries about who

[26:27] you decide to date

[26:28] I think that's actually a really good

[26:30] example of how someone can get really

[26:33] fixated on a belief and your beliefs are

[26:35] what create your mindset MH then your

[26:38] reality becomes a reflection of your

[26:41] belief system and yet you don't even

[26:43] realize the things that you're doing to

[26:46] reinforce it hence it begins with you

[26:49] and so having this conversation and also

[26:52] having like a really good-looking

[26:54] partnered man at the table when I say

[26:56] good-looking I mean on the inside on the

[26:58] outside like you know great catch saying

[27:01] absolutely that's not true and then me

[27:04] pointing out her sort of pattern and all

[27:07] that we were able to kind of chip away

[27:10] at a belief that was actually the belief

[27:14] that's keeping her single yes yeah it's

[27:17] a combination of things of challenging

[27:19] yourself like is that really true where

[27:21] did I adopt that how am I reinforcing

[27:24] that could it be true that I've had some

[27:27] a couple of bad experience expences but

[27:29] sometimes that's the way the cookie

[27:31] crumbles and that doesn't necessarily

[27:33] mean that it's everyone well I think

[27:35] until we do that we also keep repeating

[27:38] who we're attracted to as well yes so

[27:40] you have to change your type yeah so

[27:42] often we're attracting and attracted to

[27:45] the same person and therefore we keep

[27:47] having the same result and keep having

[27:49] the same experience of all men just want

[27:51] one thing all men are X YZ or whatever

[27:54] women or men or any partner we start

[27:57] creating a mind that's very embroiled in

[28:00] one particular type but that's because

[28:02] we do keep going after the same type so

[28:04] you keep going for maybe the guy who you

[28:06] think is really smart looks a certain

[28:07] way has a certain job or she looks a

[28:09] certain way or whatever and you're so

[28:11] attached to that that you keep getting

[28:14] the same thing as opposed to the mindset

[28:16] shift has to be yes listen chemistry is

[28:19] important you got to be attracted to the

[28:20] person if you want to sleep with them

[28:22] but you want to also train yourself to

[28:24] be drawn to certain qualities like

[28:27] someone's

[28:28] character and give people who you are

[28:32] like oh you know there's something kind

[28:33] of interesting about them I don't know

[28:35] if I feel an immediate spark screw the

[28:37] immediate spark let's see if you're

[28:40] actually like who you are and when

[28:42] you're with this person and I'm not

[28:44] saying endless amount of time you can't

[28:46] force chemistry but it can sometimes

[28:48] turn on like a light switch after three

[28:51] or four dates if when you get home from

[28:54] the DAT you're like I had a good time

[28:57] but I'm not quite sure feel this SP

[28:58] they're not really my type and that

[29:00] whole chatter if you fundamentally think

[29:02] that your partner needs to completely

[29:03] change who they are you're not with the

[29:05] right person you don't just have the

[29:07] hard conversations for you or for your

[29:09] partner you do it in service of love you

[29:13] do it in service of the relationship

[29:15] we're doing it in service of something

[29:17] greater than ourselves and in a

[29:19] relationship your relationship has to be

[29:21] the thing that's greater than than the

[29:23] two of you love always starts with you

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[29:56] everyday is a chance to be love let

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[30:02] starts with you this show is sponsored

[30:05] by better help we always hear about red

[30:08] flags what to avoid what to run from but

[30:11] what if we focused on green flags

[30:13] instead the signs that tell you someone

[30:16] is safe kind and worth investing in

[30:20] sometimes it's hard to know what to look

[30:21] for especially if you haven't

[30:23] experienced healthy relationships before

[30:26] that's where therapy can help it teaches

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[31:12] jsop 3 to get 10% off your first month

[31:17] that's better

[31:20] hp.com jsop three it's so interesting

[31:23] because we talk about the spark in

[31:24] chemistry so much and it feels like

[31:27] we've got to talk talk about it for so

[31:28] many more years now to undo all the work

[31:30] that all the movies and that we grew up

[31:32] undid because I was thinking about this

[31:35] recently and and I talked about it in my

[31:36] book which was this idea of today the

[31:39] word going around is someone's aura or

[31:41] their Charisma and this idea and I'm

[31:42] like I promise you if you see someone's

[31:45] aura and you're attracted to it so is

[31:46] everyone else in the room totally and so

[31:49] you're not special and you don't have a

[31:50] special inclination towards that person

[31:53] and chances are that that aura doesn't

[31:56] make them a good partner yes and so you

[31:58] might be attracted when you walk in and

[31:59] you hear someone speak and you're like

[32:01] wow they're so intelligent they're

[32:02] amazing speaker that's not their

[32:05] character you walk in and you see

[32:06] someone and they dress really well and

[32:08] they've got all this swag and this

[32:10] Charisma that doesn't mean they're a

[32:12] good partner and have good character you

[32:14] see someone who has an amazing job and

[32:16] makes all this money and drives a really

[32:17] great car that's not their character it

[32:20] doesn't make them a good partner and so

[32:21] it's almost like everything we're

[32:23] attracted to about someone isn't what

[32:26] makes them a good partner and makes them

[32:28] good at a relationship you keep saying

[32:30] the word character and I agree with you

[32:32] conundrum what is that because we're not

[32:34] even seeing that it seems like we look

[32:36] at how people think and we're attracted

[32:37] to that we look at how people look and

[32:39] we're attracted to that we look at what

[32:41] people do and Achieve and we're

[32:42] attracted to that and none of that make

[32:44] someone a good partner no they're

[32:46] completely different things right

[32:47] completely different things some of the

[32:50] most intelligent Charming witty

[32:52] beautiful people on the planet are also

[32:54] the most unhealthy and the ones who will

[32:57] harm you you emotionally I mean it

[33:00] really is a cruel joke isn't it I'm

[33:03] never going to suggest that you date

[33:05] someone who you're not attracted to I do

[33:08] think though and I would really be

[33:10] curious to hear your thoughts Jay like I

[33:12] do think that with maturity and maybe

[33:14] that's age and wisdom and that looks

[33:16] different for everyone that you do start

[33:19] to find other things attractive like for

[33:22] me personally someone who's like really

[33:24] present with me and like a good listener

[33:27] it's not guarantee if you're really

[33:28] present with me and a good listener that

[33:30] doesn't mean I'm going to be attracted

[33:31] to you but if you're not present with me

[33:35] and you're not a good listener and

[33:36] you're not interested that's definitely

[33:37] going to be a turn off whereas in the

[33:41] past I would have felt that in my body I

[33:45] would have felt that red flag and then

[33:47] intuition that would have fell off in my

[33:49] body but I would have suppressed that

[33:51] this is what and I'm saying this about

[33:53] myself because I represent so many

[33:55] people who are I know do this too cuz I

[33:58] see it all the time let me just repress

[34:01] that because I want to be seductive I

[34:04] want to lure them in I want the

[34:07] validation I think they're hot you know

[34:09] maybe there's something there and I

[34:11] think with

[34:13] maturity it translates as actually no

[34:16] like that's actually a really big

[34:18] turnoff when we start to have a clear

[34:20] sense of self and I don't believe that

[34:22] anyone is ever fully whole ever I think

[34:25] that's I think that's the journey and I

[34:26] think that's the biggest Li

[34:28] it's two whole people coming together I

[34:30] mean if that's really the truth then

[34:31] we're all screwed honestly however

[34:35] having no sense of self and no Center is

[34:39] problematic too life isn't binary it's

[34:41] not black or white but it's we live in

[34:42] the gray area but I do think that as we

[34:45] do get a a clear understanding of

[34:48] ourselves

[34:50] meaning what's important to us you know

[34:53] what are the things that we struggle

[34:54] with can we find some sort of

[34:58] self-acceptance even in the midst of our

[35:01] greatest ambivalence towards the things

[35:03] that really we don't quite like about

[35:05] ourselves can we start to actually hold

[35:08] ourselves in high regard even though we

[35:11] are keenly aware of our imperfections

[35:14] and the ways in which perhaps we're

[35:16] difficult yeah yeah and to me that's

[35:18] healing is really being able to be

[35:22] familiar with the parts of ourselves

[35:24] that are good and maybe not so great and

[35:26] still accept ourselves and see that we

[35:29] have intrinsic value and that we deserve

[35:31] love and I think that the more that we

[35:32] get an understanding of how to meet our

[35:35] needs better understanding what our

[35:36] needs are learning how to stand on our

[35:39] own two feet emotionally for some people

[35:42] that's financially whatever it is then

[35:44] who we are attracted to

[35:46] changes and the things that maybe we

[35:49] used to be attracted

[35:51] to we're not so attracted to or like I

[35:54] mean I've definitely in the last couple

[35:56] years have been like oh my God like that

[36:00] is the guy totally would have gone for

[36:02] and like what but I know that that is

[36:05] not right for me so I kind of I just

[36:07] switch it off yeah I don't indulge it

[36:10] it's like I can actually

[36:11] compartmentalize and be like yes totally

[36:14] attracted him but I know that that would

[36:16] never be the right partner for me so I

[36:19] don't even they're just putting this box

[36:20] over here and I don't pursue that yes

[36:23] that does not mean that I can't be

[36:26] attracted to a really good person it

[36:28] just means that we can be attracted to

[36:30] many different people for many different

[36:32] reasons and the more that we heal and

[36:34] grow the more we find qualities that are

[36:38] maybe not so you know charm forward yes

[36:42] very attractive I feel one of the

[36:44] challenges from what I'm hearing from

[36:46] you is that a lot of us in our 30s are

[36:51] still chasing our 16-year-old crush and

[36:54] in 40s yes and so we're wanting a

[36:56] relationship that we wanted back then

[36:59] and because it was never satisfied in

[37:01] our teens or in our 20s we still spend

[37:04] our 30s and 40s looking for it so when

[37:06] we were in our teens all we wanted was

[37:08] pleasure fun and chemistry yes but now

[37:10] if I actually look at what I want in my

[37:12] 30s or my 40s it's peace yes and it's a

[37:15] connection and it's a sense of comfort

[37:18] as opposed to the unease of do we like

[37:21] each other today do we not like each

[37:23] other so you asked me earlier or alluded

[37:25] to it like so I'm I'm very attracted to

[37:27] my wife but that isn't what's kept us

[37:31] together right that would be a very weak

[37:33] reason to stay with someone because you

[37:36] can be attracted to many people again

[37:38] and again and again the reason why you

[37:40] stay with someone is because there's

[37:42] peace there's no drama we both forgive

[37:45] quickly we both move on from things

[37:48] there's friendship we deal with problems

[37:49] in a way that I enjoy like what keeps

[37:52] you together isn't that so yes I'm still

[37:53] attracted to my wife but we've been

[37:55] together for 11 years and married for

[37:56] eight but that isn't what's kept us

[37:58] together what I find

[38:01] attractive has not necessarily changed I

[38:04] I still find the same things attractive

[38:06] as I did when we first got together but

[38:08] what I need for a long-term longlasting

[38:11] relationship is so much more than

[38:14] chemistry and attraction I I have a

[38:15] friend that I was talking to the other

[38:17] day and she said she was out on a date

[38:19] she got back from the date and she

[38:21] usually does this she messaged me

[38:22] straight away and her message just said

[38:25] Jay he was perfect he said all the right

[38:28] things we have the same values great

[38:31] Family Guy character I can't believe I

[38:33] don't want to go out on a second date

[38:34] with him did you forcer too I hope you

[38:36] did yes I did yeah and I was like wait a

[38:38] minute what are you talking about like

[38:40] how does that make any sense and it was

[38:42] just like because I was like yes because

[38:44] of course your 16-year-old self yes

[38:46] wanted the shiny butterflies and and

[38:49] almost danger like excitement yes

[38:51] correct and and it wasn't there and so

[38:54] it's so interesting to me about how we

[38:55] all have to mature and grow up yes to be

[38:58] like what is my 30 40 50y old self

[39:00] whatever age you are mid 20 whatever

[39:02] what do I actually want right now what

[39:04] do I need right now yes and let me not

[39:06] still be stuck in a 16-year-old mind

[39:09] because we are more than we think we are

[39:11] and I've also seen this for people who

[39:12] explored later on in life even friends

[39:16] who because of their culture or

[39:17] tradition came out later on in their

[39:19] life they found that their first few

[39:22] relationships even though they were 30

[39:23] 31 years old when they came out they

[39:25] were still dating like a 16 18y old old

[39:28] because it was their first relationship

[39:30] so it wasn't a material AIDS thing it

[39:33] was a mental and relationship age thing

[39:36] so if you're someone who hasn't dated

[39:37] for a long time yeah your age of

[39:40] relationship is actually much younger

[39:43] than than your actual age that's very

[39:45] well said and that's very very true

[39:47] there are people who are really um

[39:49] accustomed to very unhealthy

[39:50] relationships a lot of pushpull Dynamics

[39:53] it's a lot of toxicity and often they

[39:57] physical intimate lives are the GL is

[40:00] the glue that keeps it together like

[40:02] that's the hot part of the

[40:03] relationship and that person then might

[40:06] get out of it and say well I may not

[40:08] ever have sex like that again and I tell

[40:10] them no you probably actually won't but

[40:14] that's okay because if you are at least

[40:17] attracted to

[40:18] someone and you feel safe with them you

[40:21] can explore so much more you can go into

[40:25] the depth of your vulnerability with

[40:27] this person and then create a sex life

[40:31] that can be very wonderful with that

[40:34] person and that's what you want to do

[40:37] for some people they even say you know

[40:39] what I just I've deprioritized that you

[40:42] know they've been through so much crazy

[40:45] in their relationships that they

[40:47] actually have made the decision it's not

[40:49] that it's not important but they've deep

[40:51] prioritize it because they've associated

[40:53] with so much pain so everyone is on a

[40:55] different Journey But ultimately the

[40:57] 16-year-old self like you just have to

[41:00] just acknowledge that person and be like

[41:02] no you're not in charge because what you

[41:04] want is actually not good for you

[41:05] absolutely yeah one of your hard truths

[41:08] that I loved is truth number five you

[41:11] must speak up and tell the truth yes and

[41:13] I was going to ask you what's the

[41:15] difference between telling the truth and

[41:18] being worried about being too honest

[41:20] yeah too early on because it's almost

[41:21] like we want to share our truth and we

[41:24] want to be honest but we don't want to

[41:25] scare them away we don't want to

[41:28] overstep it's a fine balance and I think

[41:31] it's hard for people like you said

[41:32] earlier we also want them to like us and

[41:35] yeah so what does that look like for me

[41:37] what I tell people I think you should be

[41:38] as direct and honest from the very

[41:40] beginning and I think that that's

[41:41] actually very

[41:43] attractive that is different however

[41:46] than sharing your entire childhood pain

[41:50] to a stranger so that's not the honesty

[41:52] I'm talking about someone has to kind of

[41:54] earn that information and I don't think

[41:56] it's appropriate to share everything

[41:58] like that with a stranger I think that

[42:00] has to go a little bit more slowly

[42:02] there's a progression to getting to know

[42:03] someone it's like you know someone then

[42:05] you're you're getting closer and then

[42:06] you're sharing a little then you're

[42:08] starting to open up and be vulnerable

[42:10] you don't have to do that on the first

[42:11] day but in terms of honesty of what it

[42:14] is that you really want what it is that

[42:17] you really need I think right from date

[42:20] one I agree this becomes more

[42:22] complicated in when you're actually in a

[42:25] relationship you know I spent many

[42:27] years not really telling the truth I've

[42:29] worked with many couples where there's a

[42:31] lot of love but they weren't telling the

[42:33] truth fear of not being enough fear of

[42:36] Abandonment fear of rejection this is

[42:38] where rejection really is intense when

[42:40] we already love the person fear that we

[42:42] might disappoint our partner fear that

[42:46] they will never look at us the same way

[42:49] fear that they will resent all of that

[42:52] and these are very real but withholding

[42:55] the truth is what becomes the sickness

[42:58] in the relationship and I always say you

[43:01] don't just have the hard conversations

[43:03] for you or for your partner you do it in

[43:07] service of love you do it in service of

[43:09] the relationship when two people in a

[43:12] relationship have the mindset since

[43:14] we've been using that word have the

[43:16] mindset of I'm going to protect our

[43:19] relationship that's the priority sure

[43:21] you're a priority I'm a priority but

[43:24] what we are building together that's our

[43:27] baby like that's the priority and so if

[43:30] it means having to have really

[43:32] uncomfortable conversations if it means

[43:34] having to say something instead of going

[43:36] into what's familiar which is stuffing

[43:38] it down then becoming resentful and then

[43:40] hating your partner for it it's like

[43:42] whenever we have a higher purpose

[43:43] whenever we we we feel like there's

[43:46] something that we're working towards we

[43:48] will do what it takes we'll climb that

[43:50] mountain we'll transcend that ego we'll

[43:52] transcend our fears because we're doing

[43:55] it in service of something great than

[43:57] ourselves and in a relationship your

[43:59] relationship has to be the thing that's

[44:01] greater than than the two of you that's

[44:04] the encouragement that I want to have

[44:05] people to have to tell the truth because

[44:07] it really sucks when you don't it's very

[44:09] hurtful I love that and I think the

[44:12] challenge I've seen with that is our ego

[44:17] going back to something you mentioned

[44:18] right at the beginning that we want the

[44:20] other person to make us feel important

[44:24] we want them to know that we don't need

[44:27] them but we really do like it becomes

[44:29] about and I don't want to just say games

[44:31] because I think everyone thinks they

[44:32] don't play games so I don't want to use

[44:34] that language but but we all do but we

[44:36] all do yeah like but there just this

[44:38] feeling of like I love what you just

[44:39] said you said the most important thing

[44:41] is to protect the relationship which is

[44:42] beyond both of you yes but most of us

[44:44] can't look Beyond ourselves and we want

[44:47] the other person to look Beyond

[44:49] themselves but when they don't do it

[44:50] we're like well then why will I do it

[44:52] and then it becomes this you know back

[44:54] and forth so if someone has withheld

[44:57] information or broken trust in that way

[45:00] not being honest because of the fears

[45:02] you mentioned earlier which I think were

[45:05] very well and clearly laid out how do

[45:07] you repair that what does that look like

[45:10] well it depends on what the withholding

[45:13] or the lies are about sometimes it's

[45:16] you're withholding a truth of just how

[45:18] you feel mhm and that's like not as much

[45:21] of a betrayal to the other as it is to

[45:25] oneself which is I'm not I'm not

[45:27] speaking up I'm not telling you how this

[45:30] landed in my body for me and how angry I

[45:34] am at you because no one will lie to you

[45:37] more than you'll lie to yourself and so

[45:39] a big part of telling the truth begins

[45:41] with telling the truth to ourselves

[45:44] because often times we don't want to

[45:46] look at it it it's hard we suppress it

[45:49] we don't want to express it but how do

[45:51] you repair from that well it again it

[45:54] depends maybe you need a third party

[45:57] understanding you know what exactly what

[46:00] were the boundaries that were crossed to

[46:02] what degree how much can you find

[46:05] compassion for the person when they were

[46:07] withholding the truth how much can you

[46:10] see that it actually wasn't personal and

[46:12] that it was just something that they

[46:14] were doing because they were afraid you

[46:16] repir with a lot of listening a lot of

[46:18] communication and possibly with a third

[46:20] party but yeah it's it's not easy and it

[46:25] depends on the degree of again if if

[46:27] it's actually a betrayal or it's this is

[46:30] hard but we have to learn to not take so

[46:32] many things so

[46:34] personally because often times and I'm

[46:37] not talking about infidelity and things

[46:39] that are really detrimental to the

[46:41] sanctity of a

[46:43] relationship but often times people are

[46:45] doing that and they just were too afraid

[46:48] it's like well why didn't you tell me

[46:49] how you feel you have to tell me how you

[46:50] feel and yes you kind of do and you have

[46:54] every right to feel sort of like a mini

[46:57] betrayal from that like how can I how

[46:59] can I show up for you how can I be in

[47:01] this relationship if you don't tell me

[47:03] how you feel and that's very valid but

[47:06] if the other person can say you're right

[47:10] I was afraid this is what I was afraid

[47:12] of and then two people are really

[47:14] starting to tell the truth and now we're

[47:16] really getting into the deep stuff and

[47:18] getting vulnerable we also expect the

[47:20] other person now to change their habit

[47:22] the next day so we're waiting for the

[47:25] one therapy session after which our

[47:28] partner will be transformed we're

[47:30] waiting for the one coaching session

[47:32] after which our partner will be the

[47:34] person that they promised to be and it

[47:36] almost feels like we're we just are

[47:38] looking for this moment where they're

[47:40] going to get it and the penny is going

[47:41] to drop and they're going to be like

[47:43] this new profound individual and that's

[47:47] just not reality like people are going

[47:48] to change if they want to over a number

[47:51] of years yes and the key part of that is

[47:54] if they want to and a number of years

[47:56] and a number of years and we're so

[47:57] focused on no they have to change they

[47:59] have to change they have to change but

[48:01] it begins with you because there's

[48:02] something that has to change in you as

[48:04] well because if there's something going

[48:05] on in the dynamic and you love this

[48:07] person and it's a good relationship

[48:09] otherwise you are contributing in some

[48:12] way whether you know it or not to them

[48:14] not feeling comfortable to telling the

[48:15] truth like people come they come to a

[48:17] couple's counseling couple's therapy

[48:19] they sit down and inevitably every both

[48:22] people are thinking fix the other person

[48:24] so that I can be okay in this

[48:25] relationship when really it's when we

[48:28] change ourselves we actually can

[48:29] influence the relationship and the

[48:31] change in the other not always but a lot

[48:33] of the times we can if you have the

[48:36] belief they just need to change and be

[48:39] fixed and we're going to be

[48:40] okay you are in for a run for your money

[48:44] because that's actually not true like

[48:46] maybe they do have to change more than

[48:47] you but there are things that you need

[48:48] to change in this dynamic as well yeah

[48:50] we really convince ourselves though we

[48:52] do another lie we tell ourselves yeah we

[48:55] really convince ourselves it's a oneway

[48:56] thing yeah and that if they were to

[48:57] Chang their entirety of who they were

[49:00] and then people say oh well you keep

[49:01] giving them the benefit of the doubt if

[49:03] you don't do that and I think that's the

[49:05] balance that we're trying to strike is

[49:06] how do you give someone the benefit of

[49:08] the doubt that it's not personal and at

[49:10] the same time hold yourself and them

[49:13] accountable for change if you want your

[49:15] partner to change that's we're getting

[49:18] into sticky territory you have to accept

[49:20] your partner for who they are but also

[49:22] you can have the expectation that they

[49:24] want to grow and look I mean if we're

[49:27] not growing in a relationship meaning

[49:29] trying new things together and also

[49:32] separately you know following our dreams

[49:34] in some way or you know even in our own

[49:37] personal lives just being willing to

[49:39] pick up a book or try a new thing the

[49:41] relationship's going to get very boring

[49:43] I mean that's really what we're trying

[49:44] to do in so many ways in a relationship

[49:47] is how to combat in a long-term

[49:48] relationship how do we combat boredom

[49:51] and really it starts with are we

[49:54] becoming more interesting are we growing

[49:56] we trying new things you know are we not

[49:59] just are we doing new things together

[50:00] but are we doing things individually but

[50:02] if you fundamentally think that your

[50:03] partner needs to completely change who

[50:05] they are you're not with the right

[50:07] person but if you can accept them for

[50:09] who they are but also want them to

[50:11] evolve and change certain things about

[50:13] themselves look many people will come

[50:15] will have to come to a moment where they

[50:17] ask themselves is this enough you know

[50:20] like can I tolerate this and all I would

[50:23] say is no one is perfect everyone's

[50:26] growth is ultimately their own business

[50:28] their own Evolution their own business

[50:30] and people grow in different ways but if

[50:33] you want an apple then you have to sit

[50:35] under an apple tree not sit in like a

[50:39] pear tree and then expect the Apple to

[50:41] come down MH so you have to know who

[50:44] your partner is fundamentally and be

[50:47] okay with that yes yes you agree with

[50:49] that well said yeah no absolutely I I

[50:52] couldn't agree with you more I think

[50:54] that one of the reasons we struggle

[50:56] strle to accept people the way they are

[51:00] is because we've never taken an interest

[51:02] in how they became the way they are we

[51:04] don't actually have context of why they

[51:08] became this way that question of what

[51:11] happened to you how did you end up here

[51:13] and when you start uncovering all of

[51:15] that you start realizing it's so not

[51:17] about you and it's all about them and by

[51:19] the way the same is true for you and how

[51:21] did you become this way and how did you

[51:22] expect all of this to be this way and so

[51:25] I feel like that you've talked about

[51:26] this a few times today this idea of

[51:28] curiosity learning about your partner

[51:30] understanding how they got there and all

[51:32] of a sudden when you understand that you

[51:34] go oh my gosh I get it now and now I

[51:36] understand how long it will take to

[51:38] unwire or rewire that as well yes if

[51:41] they want to and if they notice it as

[51:44] opposed to this idea of whoa I snapped

[51:46] my fingers and you should get it you

[51:48] should know how I feel immediately yes I

[51:50] agree with you completely I don't think

[51:52] there's at least in my relationship I

[51:55] learned that

[51:57] the smarter way to be early on was

[52:00] respecting my partner's

[52:02] values and having her respect mine and

[52:06] not trying to change our values because

[52:09] we couldn't like I don't think I could

[52:11] change deeply my core values not your

[52:15] core ones no I I can't and if someone

[52:17] was trying to change them I'd find that

[52:19] very uncomfortable of course and if I

[52:21] was trying to change theirs I'd find

[52:22] that very

[52:23] uncomfortable and so I'm with you on the

[52:26] idea of you've got to accept them the

[52:28] way they are and if you don't then

[52:30] that's okay too it's okay to move on and

[52:32] leave yes it is or you know but but

[52:35] always know that like you know there's

[52:37] no one who's actually perfect yes you

[52:40] know that does not exist and I think

[52:42] that I do think that people know that

[52:45] intellectually Jay but I don't I but I

[52:47] still think that a lot of people expect

[52:48] perfection in others you know one

[52:51] mistake that that many people have made

[52:53] is it's okay that I'm flawed but

[52:57] unconsciously I'm looking for this

[52:58] person who's so perfect who's going to

[53:01] actually make up for the deficits that I

[53:03] have in my in my personality and make up

[53:06] for the deficits that are actually

[53:07] inside of me I think we've got so

[53:09] disconnected going back to it begins

[53:11] with you it's just we've got so

[53:13] disconnected from knowing ourselves and

[53:16] knowing what's right for us and what's

[53:18] good for us I feel like the amount of

[53:20] people that are just constantly seeking

[53:21] advice from anyone and everyone in their

[53:24] life and not listening to themselves

[53:26] listening to themselves and you have one

[53:29] text thread over here with like nine

[53:31] girlfriends and then you have you post

[53:33] it on Instagram and say I'm dealing with

[53:35] this on my stories just to your private

[53:37] friends and then you reach out to your

[53:39] family and your parents and it's like

[53:41] you're talking to like 27 non-experts

[53:44] about something in your life and no

[53:47] wonder you're confused because everyone

[53:49] has their own opinion someone's saying

[53:50] give them another chance someone saying

[53:52] oh leave them someone you know and

[53:54] you've just got these you've also got

[53:55] actions to take without understanding

[53:59] yes and and I wanted to ask you if there

[54:01] is no the one how do you know who to

[54:05] focus on how do you know who to kind of

[54:08] make it work with number one the person

[54:10] who treats you well and that doesn't

[54:12] mean I think that you know when we're in

[54:14] a relationship for long enough we will

[54:16] unconsciously hurt each other's feelings

[54:19] and sometimes we will even the most

[54:22] mindful of us will will behave or say

[54:25] something or do something that's not

[54:27] filled with a lot of mindfulness you

[54:29] know will act

[54:31] unconsciously but fundamentally you want

[54:34] the person who treats you well who

[54:35] respects you who you feel good around

[54:38] you feel like you can safely Express an

[54:40] opinion you feel like you can be

[54:42] yourself with them that's so important I

[54:45] think that is probably one of the most

[54:48] underrated criteria for choosing a

[54:52] partner is can you really be yourself

[54:55] with them and I'm not talking about be

[54:57] your bad self your lower self with them

[54:59] but can you actually be who you are are

[55:01] you do you feel comfortable in your skin

[55:04] when you're with this person or do you

[55:07] have to

[55:08] hide parts of yourself so that they can

[55:11] accept you so I think that's the most

[55:14] important thing and so someone with whom

[55:16] you share values someone with whom can

[55:19] you agree on what a life well-lived is

[55:22] because you can have there can be a

[55:23] wonderful connection with someone but to

[55:26] them they want to live a nomadic

[55:27] lifestyle and you're like no no no I

[55:29] want to root and have children like

[55:32] you're it's not going to work you might

[55:33] have a great love affair but you're

[55:36] never going to work long term so

[55:37] agreeing on what a life well-lived is

[55:40] there's some compatibility and just in

[55:42] terms of core values I think that's

[55:44] incredibly important because when in the

[55:47] duration of your relationship things get

[55:50] really hard life happens family members

[55:53] die maybe illness happens money whatever

[55:56] it is it's your values it's not your sex

[55:59] life it's your values like as you were

[56:01] saying that there's not attraction or

[56:02] chemistry it's your values that are

[56:04] going to really keep you together and I

[56:06] think it's you know that person

[56:09] who if you had to be stranded on a

[56:11] desert island like that would be the

[56:13] person you'd want to choose MH and

[56:16] that's how you know and all their little

[56:19] eccentricities that annoy you and like

[56:21] maybe they're not as neat in the kitchen

[56:24] as you would like or maybe they're not

[56:27] exactly the height or you know maybe

[56:30] they've got some stuff that like you can

[56:31] go down a list and be like that's not my

[56:34] preference those are the things you need

[56:35] to tolerate and accept because they have

[56:39] the other things of values you enjoy

[56:41] being touched by them you enjoy kissing

[56:43] them like there's attraction there you

[56:45] agree on what a life well- lived is and

[56:48] you really feel comfortable being who

[56:51] you are when you're with them does The

[56:54] One That Got Away actually exist I don't

[56:56] know I think that's a story that people

[56:58] tell themselves why do we do that what

[57:00] I've seen is we've had some made some

[57:03] poor choices and so that we look back at

[57:05] that person and we romanticize them and

[57:08] pedestal them and actually see them

[57:09] maybe better than what they were better

[57:12] for us and so we get into our heads and

[57:14] we romanticize them so I'm not quite

[57:15] sure what I do know for sure is that if

[57:18] you tell yourself that story well then

[57:20] you're just like sealing your fate that

[57:22] there's just no one else out there for

[57:23] you and to me that's part of the whole

[57:27] Romanticism theory that keeps us very

[57:29] stuck and and suffering I agree yeah

[57:32] it's almost like that Nostalgia effect

[57:34] where you look back on everything and it

[57:36] was always so much better but if you

[57:38] actually went back there you'd be like

[57:39] this was the worst thing like just go

[57:41] and find an old Journal of when you were

[57:43] a kid or a DI or whatever is and look

[57:45] back at it and be like Oh life wasn't as

[57:47] great as I pretend to think it was exact

[57:50] and Nostalgia just makes everything seem

[57:51] so much more romantic and beautifully

[57:54] colored it's quite manipulative isn't it

[57:56] really is and it's what you said it's a

[57:58] protective mechanism of oh things used

[58:00] to be better and you know that's a safe

[58:02] space and I feel good and but actually

[58:06] it's not really protecting you because

[58:08] it's like you said it's manipulating you

[58:10] into into unhealthy belief you have a

[58:12] beautiful quote in the book where you

[58:13] say stay in your head and your

[58:15] relationship is dead and I think that's

[58:17] partly it that we stay in our head in

[58:20] relationships in a lot of ways some of

[58:22] them can be negative thoughts some of

[58:24] them can be doubts some of them can be

[58:28] questions some of them can be you know

[58:30] ruminating on the past yes uh how do we

[58:32] how do we get out of our heads and get

[58:34] out of those repetitive thoughts yeah I

[58:36] love talking about this because I'm

[58:37] someone I I tend to lean sort of

[58:40] intellectual and when I am not centered

[58:43] I lean as a lot of people do and a lot

[58:45] of women these days anxious so I can get

[58:47] like very like ruminating and analytical

[58:49] and all that so I feel very equipped and

[58:52] also I when I work with so many people I

[58:55] mean

[58:57] the stories that they tell themselves

[58:59] about themselves and about their partner

[59:01] that's not rooted in the truth because

[59:03] they're not communicating I mean it's

[59:04] the stories in our heads that ruin

[59:07] relationships so how do we get out of

[59:09] our heads well we start telling the

[59:10] truth and we start communicating like

[59:11] that's like the lwh hanging fruit like

[59:14] build enough

[59:16] self-awareness and this takes practice

[59:19] where you can say uh I'm in my head

[59:20] right now I am getting lost in a story

[59:23] right now because it's a habit and some

[59:25] people really have a bad habit of

[59:27] getting lost in such a story about

[59:29] another person and then get themselves

[59:31] so worked up and so what you have to do

[59:34] is keep practicing uh that's that

[59:36] Storyteller in me right now that's that

[59:37] Storyteller maybe something else is true

[59:40] could something else be true let me

[59:42] communicate getting out of our heads is

[59:44] also getting in our bodies so exercise

[59:46] movement breath work going for a long

[59:48] walk having a long healing conversation

[59:52] with a friend uh doing something where

[59:54] you're social if we're too much in

[59:56] isolation and we're spending too much

[59:57] time with ourselves we're too much in

[59:58] our heads so it's a really beautiful

[01:00:01] strategy to get out of our heads when we

[01:00:02] see a friend or two or we even go to

[01:00:05] something that we're invited to and just

[01:00:07] because then our attention is outwardly

[01:00:08] focused like right now our attention is

[01:00:11] outwardly focused yes we have to go a

[01:00:13] little inward to kind of think you have

[01:00:15] to go inward to kind of think of the

[01:00:16] question right I have to go a little bit

[01:00:18] inward to kind of give you an answer but

[01:00:20] we're very because we're having this

[01:00:22] like conversation it's just you and me

[01:00:24] and the lights are on us and the camera

[01:00:26] are rolling we're outward focused and

[01:00:29] when we're alone everything is so inward

[01:00:31] focused so moving our bodies is always

[01:00:34] the easiest fastest way to get out of

[01:00:36] our heads it's really and it's daily

[01:00:39] movement it's like oh I'm in my head I'm

[01:00:40] going to go for a walk oh I'm going to

[01:00:42] head in my head maybe I have to take a

[01:00:44] cold shower get out of this state maybe

[01:00:46] I have to talk to someone but it starts

[01:00:49] with the awareness of you know my mind

[01:00:51] all of our minds can be become

[01:00:52] battlefields our mind can be a beautiful

[01:00:55] thing but if we don't stand guard of our

[01:00:57] mind we are going to be in serious

[01:00:59] trouble and no one is invulnerable to

[01:01:02] that as we're talking about it one thing

[01:01:03] that came to my mind was just how we're

[01:01:06] really focused on starting things as

[01:01:09] humans and we're good at reacting to

[01:01:12] when things end and we're really

[01:01:15] complacent and ignorant in the middle

[01:01:17] yeah right we've talked a lot today

[01:01:19] about dating and then we're talking

[01:01:20] about when things go wrong and

[01:01:23] maintenance is not something we find

[01:01:24] interesting

[01:01:26] true yeah it's just not something as

[01:01:28] humans that we like maintaining a home

[01:01:29] like building a home designing a home

[01:01:31] that's cool uh when you if you leave

[01:01:33] something and you're finding something

[01:01:34] new that's that's interesting it's

[01:01:35] something to pay attention to sure but

[01:01:37] maintenance is something that we we

[01:01:39] ignore so much and I was thinking if you

[01:01:43] could recommend a reflection someone

[01:01:46] could do with their partner right now

[01:01:48] whether they're stuck or what maybe it's

[01:01:50] like what if something feels almost

[01:01:54] right but not fully right as there's

[01:01:56] nothing wrong uhhuh what do you do in

[01:01:58] that situation because I think a lot of

[01:01:59] people find themselves there where it's

[01:02:01] like they're in that maintenance phase

[01:02:03] little like you're not getting married

[01:02:04] you're not you know you're not having

[01:02:05] the big moment and you're not you're not

[01:02:08] kind of ending it like there's nothing

[01:02:09] wrong but you're just kind of like

[01:02:12] coasting maybe borderline a little bit

[01:02:14] bored or complacent yeah so like let's

[01:02:18] say this couple has

[01:02:21] kids stop making your kids the only

[01:02:24] focus of your life you have to your

[01:02:26] children actually want you to focus on

[01:02:29] each other that's what's going to be

[01:02:31] really good like you are benefiting your

[01:02:33] children's mental health and lives when

[01:02:35] they when you are connecting with each

[01:02:37] other so that's important shake things

[01:02:40] up a little bit whether that's

[01:02:42] individually or together go on a date

[01:02:45] try something new bring some novelty

[01:02:48] whether that's in the bedroom or

[01:02:50] completely outside of the bedroom take

[01:02:52] some time to really connect with each

[01:02:54] other maybe it's sitting down and having

[01:02:56] a meal and just being like okay we're

[01:02:58] going to put the phones away and we're

[01:02:59] going to really connect and maybe we're

[01:03:01] going to talk about something a little

[01:03:02] bit deeper today and I went to um I had

[01:03:05] dinner over to friends last night and it

[01:03:07] was so wonderful like we just went into

[01:03:09] really deep stuff I mean also sprinkled

[01:03:13] in with a little fun and silly stuff but

[01:03:14] we just went into very deep stuff and

[01:03:16] it's like wow this is so refreshing to

[01:03:18] be around people where you can be

[01:03:20] vulnerable and open and I think couples

[01:03:22] kind of you don't want to be doing that

[01:03:23] all the time cuz you need a little

[01:03:25] levity so this is an interesting thing

[01:03:28] as a couple maybe you have to do a

[01:03:29] temperature check like do we need a

[01:03:31] little bit of levity like do we need a

[01:03:33] little bit of lightness have we been too

[01:03:35] bogged down with the routines are we

[01:03:36] talking about the relationship too much

[01:03:39] and we need to have like some fun then

[01:03:42] do something new do something fun do

[01:03:45] something that you would have done in

[01:03:46] the first three months of your

[01:03:48] relationship few years in and watch the

[01:03:51] change happen in your relationship and

[01:03:53] build it into your weekly routine or at

[01:03:56] least your monthly routine if your

[01:03:58] relationship is kind of feeling you're

[01:04:00] feeling a little dis disconnected right

[01:04:02] so it's not the lack of levity but

[01:04:03] there's a lack of connection get

[01:04:06] vulnerable maybe maybe connect in the

[01:04:08] bedroom or outside of the bedroom have

[01:04:10] have a real heart to heart maybe do

[01:04:13] something new that's also very bonding

[01:04:16] um touch each other and I'm not even

[01:04:18] talking in a in a sexual way but are you

[01:04:20] touching each other like do you put a

[01:04:22] hand on the leg or on the shoulder are

[01:04:24] you being present with each other again

[01:04:27] this is the part that's mindfulness and

[01:04:29] it really sometimes it's so little that

[01:04:32] has a huge ripple effect and it's just a

[01:04:36] matter of oh this is what we need and

[01:04:39] one of you take the leadership role in

[01:04:42] that in that way be like okay let's do

[01:04:44] this I really want to do this it

[01:04:46] shouldn't be framed as like oh you know

[01:04:48] we need this otherwise it's just like I

[01:04:50] would really love this wouldn't this be

[01:04:52] wouldn't this be so lovely if and

[01:04:55] sometimes s it's just let me change

[01:04:57] something in me maybe it's not even a

[01:04:59] conversation with your partner it's how

[01:05:02] you're showing up maybe you've grown a

[01:05:04] little complacent towards the

[01:05:06] relationship towards your life towards

[01:05:07] anything maybe you need to shake things

[01:05:09] up a little bit inside yourself and

[01:05:11] bring a little bit more of the part of

[01:05:14] you because we all have so many

[01:05:15] different parts to our psyche and our

[01:05:17] personality maybe bring a little bit

[01:05:20] more of what you brought in the

[01:05:21] beginning of the relationship now and

[01:05:24] that

[01:05:25] kind of always does the trick if people

[01:05:27] are willing switching from going back to

[01:05:29] the beginning of the relationship

[01:05:30] looking at the end of a relationship

[01:05:32] yeah if someone's broken up with you

[01:05:34] what's the best self-reflection exercise

[01:05:37] that you'd recommend to someone if

[01:05:39] someone's just broken up with them well

[01:05:41] if they're just in the shock and the

[01:05:43] pain of just broken up after yeah I

[01:05:45] would yeah I would say after that

[01:05:47] because in the beginning it's more just

[01:05:49] like how can I survive and who's going

[01:05:50] to support me right but when you're sort

[01:05:53] of out of that initial shock

[01:05:56] of of pain you're still hurt and you're

[01:05:59] still sad but you're ready to

[01:06:01] self-reflect one of the hardest things

[01:06:02] to do yet most important things to do

[01:06:05] and maybe you'll never 100% get clear is

[01:06:08] how did I contribute to

[01:06:11] whatever did not work and how did they

[01:06:15] contribute it's so hard not to go into

[01:06:18] the blame game and just blame them for

[01:06:20] everything and blame ourselves for

[01:06:21] anything but true self-reflection when

[01:06:23] it comes to the end of a relationship is

[01:06:26] can I have some clarity around some of

[01:06:28] the patterns that I have that have

[01:06:31] contributed to whatever didn't work and

[01:06:33] can I get clear about what they did and

[01:06:36] what their patterns were that really

[01:06:38] didn't work and that's a process and

[01:06:40] it's a journey of self-reflection but I

[01:06:42] think that is absolutely important so

[01:06:44] start with what are some of the ways in

[01:06:47] which maybe I have contributed to what

[01:06:49] didn't work is there is there something

[01:06:51] in my self-esteem that needs to be

[01:06:53] worked

[01:06:53] on is there something that I learned

[01:06:56] from childhood that maybe isn't working

[01:06:58] and then to add to that is what did I

[01:07:02] contribute that really worked what are

[01:07:04] my strengths in relationship because you

[01:07:07] have to reflect on that too how was I

[01:07:09] really really loving maybe I was too

[01:07:11] loving to a fault but I was still loving

[01:07:15] you know and I'd rather be too loving to

[01:07:16] a fault than not loving at all you know

[01:07:18] so those are some of the questions that

[01:07:20] we need to ask ourselves and these are

[01:07:22] hard you know I've gone through

[01:07:24] tremendous heartbreak and just having to

[01:07:26] go through that but I was so hellbent on

[01:07:29] I don't want to this to ever happen

[01:07:31] again so what do I have to do and look

[01:07:34] accountability in a relationship

[01:07:36] wherever the relationship is in the

[01:07:37] beginning middle or end is the most

[01:07:39] important thing if you cannot take

[01:07:42] responsibility for being another human

[01:07:44] being in this Dynamic then you are

[01:07:46] essentially a nightmare to be in a

[01:07:48] relationship with and I hate to be so

[01:07:50] blunt but it's true accountability is

[01:07:53] everything it's not about taking all the

[01:07:54] blame

[01:07:56] but we have to be able to own our stuff

[01:07:59] and when two people are doing that I

[01:08:01] really think that there's tremendous

[01:08:04] healing that can happen between two

[01:08:05] people if they're willing to do that

[01:08:06] Jillian thank you so much for your

[01:08:08] insights today it's been uh really

[01:08:10] wonderful having this back and forth

[01:08:11] with you of just kind of thinking about

[01:08:13] all the different iterations moments

[01:08:16] phases of a

[01:08:17] relationship and we end every episode of

[01:08:20] on purpose with a final five yes or a

[01:08:23] fast five every question has to be

[01:08:24] answered in one word

[01:08:26] to one sentence maximum okay so Jillian

[01:08:28] tki these are your Fast Five uh the

[01:08:31] first question is what is the best love

[01:08:33] advice you've ever heard or received no

[01:08:36] one is perfect figure out what you can

[01:08:37] tolerate and what you can't tolerate I

[01:08:39] like that uh Second question is what is

[01:08:42] the worst relationship advice you've

[01:08:43] ever heard or received you don't have to

[01:08:45] lean on your husband when you're going

[01:08:47] through a miscarriage use just lean on

[01:08:49] your mother and your sister that was the

[01:08:51] worst advice I got from a therapist

[01:08:53] someone said that to you yeah a

[01:08:54] therapist you said

[01:08:56] mhm Let's uh take a detour to focus on

[01:08:59] that a little bit how did that feel very

[01:09:03] confusing I understand when you're in a

[01:09:05] relationship that your partner should

[01:09:07] not be your only Confidant that it's

[01:09:09] really important to have some Community

[01:09:12] or other people around you that you go

[01:09:14] to like you don't have to go to your

[01:09:15] partner for every single thing you got

[01:09:18] to have other

[01:09:19] sources but if you're going through the

[01:09:22] miscarriage and you can't lean on your

[01:09:25] partner to me that sounds insane but I

[01:09:29] think her intention was don't lean on

[01:09:32] him for everything and so I took that on

[01:09:35] as oh my God you know I'm being too

[01:09:37] dependent or too be doing being too

[01:09:39] codependent it was very confusing and it

[01:09:41] was only later on when I started to do

[01:09:42] this work where I recognized that that

[01:09:44] was the worst piece of advice I've ever

[01:09:46] received ever from anyone and I've

[01:09:49] especially in that situation especially

[01:09:50] in that situation and I could not

[01:09:52] disagree with it more that's exactly who

[01:09:55] you should be leaning on and it's

[01:09:56] exactly who you should feel safe leaning

[01:09:58] on question number three one of your

[01:10:01] hard truths is number eight no one is

[01:10:03] coming to save you uh what do you do

[01:10:07] save

[01:10:08] yourself and choose someone who's going

[01:10:11] to have your back while you do that

[01:10:14] great answer and uh question number four

[01:10:19] truth number nine you say You must make

[01:10:20] peace with your parents why is that so

[01:10:23] important what I will say first CU I

[01:10:26] think this is important I don't in the

[01:10:28] book I do say if you were sexually

[01:10:30] abused or terribly abused um I would no

[01:10:33] way tell someone to make peace with

[01:10:34] their parent what I would encourage them

[01:10:36] to do is to figure out how to become the

[01:10:38] hero of their story rather than just the

[01:10:40] Survivor even if you never speak to

[01:10:41] their parent again you have to figure

[01:10:44] out a way to question the story that you

[01:10:47] have about them so that you are looking

[01:10:49] at them and thinking of them through the

[01:10:50] lens of your adult self and not your

[01:10:53] child self because if you don't that is

[01:10:55] going to infiltrate your romantic life

[01:10:59] and cause you a lot of problems wish I

[01:11:01] was one word but it's a tough one no no

[01:11:03] absolutely yeah uh and Fifth and final

[01:11:05] question if you could create one law

[01:11:08] that everyone in the world had to follow

[01:11:10] what would it be

[01:11:12] oh I know I'm GNA say something and then

[01:11:14] I'm like later I'm like oh my God we G

[01:11:15] change that one l oh my God letting go

[01:11:19] is so much easier than

[01:11:22] clinging letting go is so much easier

[01:11:25] than clinging it's really hard but your

[01:11:27] life will be so much

[01:11:29] better than clinging if you learn to

[01:11:32] just let things be Jillian tki thank you

[01:11:35] so much the book is called it begins

[01:11:39] with you the nine hard truths about love

[01:11:41] that will change your life you can grab

[01:11:43] your copy right now you heard about some

[01:11:45] of the hard truths in this conversation

[01:11:47] but I hope that you'll dive into the

[01:11:48] book to learn and understand so much

[01:11:50] more it's out on January 14th I'm sure

[01:11:53] this will be out while you're watching

[01:11:55] watching this the book will be out

[01:11:56] already or very very soon Jillian thank

[01:11:59] you so much for coming on on purpose

[01:12:01] thank you for sharing so wonderfully and

[01:12:03] I'm excited for people to connect with

[01:12:05] your content online and continue to

[01:12:08] follow along to see how much more they

[01:12:09] can learn about love and uh thank you

[01:12:11] for reminding us all that it begins with

[01:12:13] you thank you so much for having me yeah

[01:12:15] thank you so grateful thank you me too

[01:12:17] if you love this episode you're going to

[01:12:19] love my conversation with Matthew hussy

[01:12:22] on how to get over your ex and find true

[01:12:24] love in your relationships people should

[01:12:27] be compassionate to themselves but

[01:12:29] extend that compassion to your future

[01:12:31] self because truly extending your

[01:12:34] compassion to your future self is doing

[01:12:36] something that gives him or her a shot

[01:12:39] at a happy and a peaceful life