Behind the DisruptHer: What It Took to Become Me (Part 2) EP 65

Full Transcript

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkBruKn_1Ow

[00:00] Hey, everybody sees the results, but do you really know what it costs?
[00:06] I'm pulling back the curtain and walking through the fire that built me.
[00:13] Pull up.
[00:13] I've invited my friends, family.
[00:16] I am back, y'all.
[00:19] Part two of flipping the mic and interviewing myself on my own show.
[00:27] I am so happy that you all are here.
[00:30] Pull up a seat.
[00:30] It's about to get real.
[00:33] All right, let's step into part two.
[00:38] What it took to become me.
[00:41] Y'all know me as a disruptor coach out in these streets.
[00:46] And for my Hello 7 coach sisters that are in the building, um you all saw a lot of it play out right in real time.
[00:55] And so let's jump into that first question.
[00:58] What's one truth you had to face in
[01:01] What's one truth you had to face in order to heal?
[01:04] order to heal?
[01:08] And uh one truth that I had to face in order to heal if uh if I had to think about that now because so much healing has taken place.
[01:15] Um, let me start that with I don't believe that um anyone ever fully heals that we're always healing from something.
[01:25] Um, so you may get over or um accept and build capacity for one situation or circumstance that you've been been dealing with or been through.
[01:43] Um, however, there's always something.
[01:47] And let's just let's just think about this.
[01:50] We're going to take our time, y'all, because ain't no ain't no rush.
[01:55] What's one truth I had to face in order to heal?
[02:01] I would say the biggest truth that I had
[02:03] I would say the biggest truth that I had to face in order to heal.
[02:07] Uh when I when I think about all of it in the grand scheme of things.
[02:15] Part of my own grief and pain and trauma and circumstances was in my lack of acceptance.
[02:32] In my lack of acceptance.
[02:32] And what do I mean by that?
[02:40] And this may sound familiar uh especially to my girl miss I got time for everything except myself.
[02:47] And if you all here with me, send me some love.
[02:49] Drop your questions and all that.
[02:52] I appreciate it.
[02:56] Um acceptance.
[02:56] There was a lot that um I wasn't accepting.
[03:00] I wasn't accepting about myself.
[03:02] I wasn't accepting about
[03:05] about myself.
[03:05] I wasn't accepting about others.
[03:08] And I will give you um a resource that really helped me with that.
[03:15] It w it's called um Loving What Is by Byron Katie and Byron Katie is a woman and it changed my life.
[03:23] I'm a audio listener.
[03:27] I I learned through listening and and hearing and being in the same room um of a conversation.
[03:35] And as I listened to her audio, it just broke so many things open for me.
[03:40] A lot of real life stories.
[03:44] Um and some of it is the reality is right in front of your face and was right in front of my face and I wanted it to be something else.
[03:53] Uh for example,
[04:03] I got into a marriage
[04:07] I got into a marriage that I already knew we probably shouldn't be getting married.
[04:17] Because I married them for reasons at a time that I believed were going to be future focus and not the reality of what is.
[04:34] Because what the reality of what is is this is what I have right now.
[04:38] And I kept believing that it was going to be something else and going to change and and it in in turn led to me compromising myself um doing things that uh I didn't want to do.
[04:55] Like not not trusting my own self and it took me so so so far away from me.
[05:02] And it took me so so so far away from me and
[05:09] and so bad to the point where so bad to the point where I couldn't even hear my own hear my own I couldn't even hear my own hear my own spirit.
[05:15] I could not hear God talking to me anymore.
[05:19] You know that this is what I believe.
[05:21] I believe that that small whisper, some people call it the first mind, some people call it the voice of God.
[05:24] All of that and it it it would it would show up in my spirit.
[05:28] It's it's that knowing that you have when you know that you know that you know something and you don't you may not even know why, but you know that it's this where I'm going.
[05:37] This where I'm supposed to be.
[05:38] This is what I'm supposed to be doing.
[05:41] It's that knowing.
[05:44] And I was betraying my knowing.
[05:45] I was I I had laid it down and it stopped talking to me.
[05:49] I couldn't hear nothing no more.
[05:53] It was dark.
[05:55] It was no sound.
[05:59] It was no voice because I kept going against what I knew to do.
[06:02] And some of that is is is values.
[06:06] Some
[06:09] And some of that is is is values.
[06:09] Some of that is character.
[06:13] Some of that is character.
[06:13] Some of that is keeping the peace, Lord.
[06:17] And whose peace keeping the peace, Lord.
[06:17] And whose peace was I keeping?
[06:20] Cuz I had none.
[06:20] I had sacrificed my peace.
[06:23] I had sacrificed my time.
[06:23] I had sacrificed my integrity and who I am and who I believe I want to be and show up and I knew who I was and I gave up my identity and I took on this identity of this other woman.
[06:28] My name was Selena Whitmore at the time.
[06:30] I didn't even know her.
[06:33] I could never be her and walk in that in that suit of who Selena Whitmore was supposed to be.
[06:37] And the more the more that I leaned in and did things to be Selena Whitmore and showing up, working a full-time job, running the business front full-time, doing all of the things, becoming a full-time caregiver to a person that I had realized that I didn't even like,
[07:13] had realized that I didn't even like, right?
[07:15] right? And so in all of that aftermath, now now
[07:18] And so in all of that aftermath, now now don't get me wrong, I couldn't have
[07:19] don't get me wrong, I couldn't have foreseen all of that, but I was giving I
[07:22] foreseen all of that, but I was giving I was getting I was giving out of love.
[07:24] was getting I was giving out of love. I learned that I was giving out of this
[07:27] learned that I was giving out of this vision that I had been given before we
[07:29] vision that I had been given before we got married, mind you.
[07:32] got married, mind you. And I believed I was given the vision to
[07:34] And I believed I was given the vision to help my ex. And after all of the turmoil
[07:39] help my ex. And after all of the turmoil and getting through and beyond all of it
[07:43] and getting through and beyond all of it and when I I created my war room and got
[07:46] and when I I created my war room and got quiet and still so that I could start to
[07:49] quiet and still so that I could start to hear that voice again, I had to stop all
[07:51] hear that voice again, I had to stop all the noise, all the sound. I had to hear
[07:54] the noise, all the sound. I had to hear nobody. I had to stop I had to stop
[07:57] nobody. I had to stop I had to stop everything. I had to shut it down. And
[07:59] everything. I had to shut it down. And this happened like we got divorced in
[08:02] this happened like we got divorced in 2019 uh July. I divorced him in in 30
[08:06] 2019 uh July. I divorced him in in 30 days.
[08:08] days. 30 days cuz that [ __ ] had to go. What
[08:12] 30 days cuz that [ __ ] had to go. What was happening in my life? It would make
[08:14] was happening in my life?
[08:14] It would make your head spin.
[08:17] And we probably going to your head spin.
[08:17] And we probably going to get into some of that.
[08:19] I don't know what get into some of that.
[08:19] I don't know what these questions are coming up, but this one is a banger, right?
[08:25] And and I had to accept that there it was my own doing because I believed that it was something in it for me and the reason that I continued and I stayed was because of that vision.
[08:33] And I wanted to bring that vision to life.
[08:48] And so sometime it was all kind of other reasons, you know, why I at the time made made peace with why I was doing it.
[08:58] Oh, you know, God God was uh I was a hot mess and God gave me grace.
[09:05] All of the things, right?
[09:07] If if if they want to do the thing, who am I?
[09:09] I need to give grace.
[09:13] Miss Goody two shoes, you know, and I want to show up and save the
[09:15] know, and I want to show up and save the world.
[09:17] But that wasn't an assignment that God really gave me.
[09:20] And so when I stepped back in all of that and I went in that war room that I created because I saw my pastors have a war room and it just clicked.
[09:30] It was like, "Oh, that's where you go to pray and get quiet and get still so you can hear God talk."
[09:38] I did what I saw them do.
[09:42] And once I got quiet and I got still, I I I could start seeing and reflecting on myself on all of the things that were starting to show up.
[09:51] Codependency.
[09:54] I had abandonment issues.
[09:57] This is the stuff that we stuff down that we don't want to spend time with ourselves and know that it is there, right?
[10:03] Oh, I'm sorry.
[10:06] Let me let me not put that on you.
[10:08] Let me not accuse you of that cuz that may not be you, but that was definitely me for certain.
[10:16] for certain.
[10:19] And once I got still enough and I was praying, one of the big things that popped up because it'll reveal itself.
[10:29] People People be like, "I'm praying and I'm waiting on God."
[10:34] No. Are you really?
[10:36] I want you to ask yourself that because when when I pray, even in my darkest times, there was an answer.
[10:44] It's whether or not I was willing to accept that answer.
[10:49] A lot of this is about acceptance.
[10:52] It's about your belief and what you believe.
[10:58] And if you sit quiet and still enough and listen and allow your discernment to kick in and just sit with it long enough cuz I wasn't sitting with it long enough.
[11:13] I was moving.
[11:15] You know, the world will tell you, you got to be productive.
[11:18] Tell you, you got to be productive.
[11:18] You got to stay in motion.
[11:20] You got to stay in motion.
[11:20] I hear that with the young people.
[11:23] I'm in motion.
[11:23] Hey, hey, depending on the Bible that you believe, cuz we had that conversation yesterday, how I feel about this western Bible, okay?
[11:26] But when you get in real relationship with your God and higher power, that's the voice that you hear need to listen to because all these other voices is just noise if you don't have a relationship.
[11:47] And it's going to send you on a road that's gonna take you a while to come back to yourself.
[11:56] I know.
[11:56] I've lived it.
[11:59] I've walked it.
[11:59] And it is not pretty when you get the reality of realizing that your beliefs is what have kept you in a place um and not allowed you to fully heal.
[12:17] It takes a while, you know, unpacking
[12:19] It takes a while, you know, unpacking them layers and realizing that you're them layers and realizing that you're responsible for your own happiness.
[12:24] Responsible for your own happiness because last time I checked, the story book version wasn't that, right?
[12:29] It was somebody else is going to come along and make you happy and then everything's going to be right with the world.
[12:39] You know, we got Prince Charming.
[12:42] You know, we got the fact that you you've got to have a husband or wife.
[12:48] You got to be paired up.
[12:48] Well, I challenge you and I challenge myself because one thing that I was not doing was being in relationship with myself.
[12:57] I was I was showing up and being in all the places and spaces um of where I thought I was supposed to be and where I was told I was supposed to be and how I was supposed to act how we're acting child as a child be seen and not heard.
[13:11] You know go to church on Sunday every Sunday or I couldn't do this or I couldn't do that and nothing I had I wanted nothing to do with church.
[13:21] wanted nothing to do with church cuz all I saw in being there was they
[13:24] cuz all I saw in being there was they they acted one way on Sunday and There
[13:27] they acted one way on Sunday and There was somebody whole totally different the
[13:29] was somebody whole totally different the rest of the week.
[13:30] So I was not computing.
[13:33] I didn't get to know God and have my own relationship with my God until I was in my 40s.
[13:39] Like where I actively consciously knew and said that that's what it was, right?
[13:46] I didn't know that I was operating based upon what other what other people had placed in me and deposit in me.
[13:52] You know, all of that, all of that came out when I really, really, really, really got still.
[14:01] And when I accepted that
[14:05] that and when I accepted that the reality of what really is because of two things were happening,
[14:15] I was living in the past, right?
[14:19] like what what had happened in
[14:22] right? like what what had happened in the past.
[14:22] I was holding on to so much, the past.
[14:26] I was holding on to so much, right?
[14:26] That creates depression.
[14:30] And I was living in the future, the future of the expectations of being married and and living out and that vision and that dream and the reality of it all that I wasn't accepting.
[14:45] I wasn't accepting being present in my own life.
[14:47] It kept me from seeing all those other things.
[14:50] And I will challenge you because that's what the enemy wants to happen.
[14:53] Keep you busy, keep you in motion, keep you being productive or whatever you believe that to be.
[14:58] Keep it tied to your worth of which is not true.
[15:05] You You are the [ __ ] [ __ ] Excuse me.
[15:11] uh if I'm going to get in trouble for saying that because you exist.
[15:13] You are all of that and then some.
[15:16] And you got to know that.
[15:22] and then some.
[15:22] And you got to know that.
[15:24] And that starts with a relationship with self.
[15:27] And I had to come back and unpack all of those layers and weed out all of those things and really accept myself and who I am and who I want to be and how I show up.
[15:39] That's who you see today.
[15:42] That's what calls me and names me healed because I determine and I get to say who I am, what I believe, how I show up, when I do this, whether I take that on.
[15:53] You get to decide and create the definitions that are that matter to you.
[15:59] Not somebody else's definitions, not somebody else's clothes, none of that.
[16:05] So to fully heal and to continue to heal, you have to be honest with yourself.
[16:11] You got to get real about it.
[16:13] You got to you got to know what's yours to hold and what's yours to fold and push away,
[16:24] and what's yours to fold and push away, right?
[16:26] Cuz you might not be for everybody.
[16:28] And you got to be okay with that.
[16:29] You might you might have to accept that,
[16:31] oh, this person that I'm in relationship with, oh I don't even like them.
[16:37] Why am I here?
[16:40] Why am I here?
[16:44] Because all of that noise and everything keeps you from understanding why you are here,
[16:48] why you were created,
[16:50] you know, and it's unfortunate.
[16:53] It's it's it's it's it's a tough um
[16:55] Thank you, Ares.
[16:58] I see you, sister girl.
[17:01] She said, I love Byron Katie.
[17:03] It seems so obvious, but you have to let go of your notions of what it could have been, should have been, and accept what is real and true.
[17:09] That book is a a game changer.
[17:12] Not everybody can listen to it on audio because she's actually she's coaching people in real time.
[17:17] I I love
[17:20] I love what's true.
[17:22] I always get uh fact
[17:25] I love what's true.
[17:27] I always get uh fact and fiction or whatever the type of books they are.
[17:29] I don't like anything that's not real.
[17:31] I like hearing real stories from real people just like I haven't like having deep conversations with people and created a whole podcast around it, right?
[17:43] Disrupt our conversations because that is the reality of what life truly is.
[17:50] We we we are made one day at a time, one moment at a time by our our experiences.
[17:58] And no one has been here before.
[18:01] You were created and designed for a purpose that only you hold because God gave it to you, not anybody else.
[18:10] And when you stop listening to what was deposited in you for you, stuff get real real bad real quick.
[18:17] Real bad real quick.
[18:20] And so I vowed uh to never ever forget who I am again.
[18:24] Ever.
[18:29] Never ever forget who I am again.
[18:29] Ever.
[18:29] And I talked about that in part one.
[18:31] So go back and check it out.
[18:31] Okay.
[18:35] Um, while I'm here, if you're tuning in and you haven't already subscribed to my channel, because I do want to get to 1,000 subscribers.
[18:40] So, I believe in speaking in in existence to allow you to help me meet my goal just like I am sharing my life with you here and providing uh this space for others to share theirs as well.
[18:59] So that so that you can find value that you can become served in that capacity.
[19:05] My prayer is if I just help one person I've done what I'm supposed to do.
[19:15] This is what the call has been on my life.
[19:18] That's what happened when I got healed.
[19:19] And maybe that question is coming up.
[19:21] So I won't jump ahead cuz I I can.
[19:25] All right.
[19:25] So that was would be the one truth that I would say that I um
[19:32] the one truth that I would say that I um had to face in order to heal.
[19:35] I had to face in order to heal.
[19:35] I had to face the truth.
[19:37] I had to I had to do acceptance.
[19:41] Um u the story behind that was I was praying in my war room because
[19:46] I had realized that I had the spirit of control
[19:48] that I was trying to control so many things that it was taking me away
[19:52] from myself.
[19:55] And I could hear myself praying,
[19:59] Lord, break the spirit of control.
[20:03] Break the spirit of control.
[20:05] And as I was getting more and more still and I heard myself, I started realizing,
[20:12] hold on, I am praying for what I don't want.
[20:16] I was putting my energy in that prayer.
[20:19] Break the spirit of control.
[20:21] And and we need to get real about that.
[20:24] Some some things you are put placing upon yourself.
[20:26] Your your voice and your words are powerful.
[20:29] They are prayers.
[20:29] They are
[20:33] are powerful. They are prayers. They are prayers.
[20:34] prayers. So if you praying all the time that I'm
[20:37] So if you praying all the time that I'm fearful and I'm afraid and I'm anxiety
[20:43] fearful and I'm afraid and I'm anxiety cuz that's the future. It ain't been
[20:46] cuz that's the future. It ain't been yours has been written but the only
[20:48] yours has been written but the only person that knows it is your higher p
[20:50] person that knows it is your higher p power your creator whoever you believe
[20:53] power your creator whoever you believe that is
[20:55] that is right
[20:59] your role is to
[21:01] your role is to if you've woke up and have breath I call
[21:05] if you've woke up and have breath I call it making the wake up list is to do
[21:08] it making the wake up list is to do what's been purposed in your own heart
[21:13] and follow that path because only you
[21:16] and follow that path because only you know which path it is. And when you
[21:19] know which path it is. And when you believe that you don't know,
[21:21] believe that you don't know, you create that in you cuz now you're
[21:25] you create that in you cuz now you're looking at other voices and outside and
[21:27] looking at other voices and outside and what they're doing cuz you ain't never
[21:28] what they're doing cuz you ain't never seen it before. So you don't know how to
[21:30] seen it before. So you don't know how to do it. Well, baby, cuz it it's only you
[21:34] do it. Well, baby, cuz it it's only you one. You're the blueprint. You creating
[21:37] one. You're the blueprint. You creating it. Walk it out. Life is an experiment.
[21:41] it. Walk it out. Life is an experiment. All of it. Even if it looked like
[21:42] All of it. Even if it looked like somebody did that thing, they're not
[21:45] somebody did that thing, they're not you. They don't have your unique
[21:47] you. They don't have your unique abilities and experiences. So you you
[21:51] abilities and experiences. So you you you're going to try some of it and then
[21:53] you're going to try some of it and then you're going to realize, oh shoot, them
[21:56] you're going to realize, oh shoot, them clothes don't fit.
[21:58] clothes don't fit. And then you're going to go back cuz
[22:00] And then you're going to go back cuz I've seen it so many times in these 58
[22:03] I've seen it so many times in these 58 years of walking on this earth and these
[22:05] years of walking on this earth and these lifetimes that I've had. Um, you will
[22:07] lifetimes that I've had. Um, you will you will come to know
[22:10] you will come to know that I need to do it the way that I need
[22:12] that I need to do it the way that I need to do it. You need to show up who as
[22:16] to do it. You need to show up who as yourself so who you're supposed to be,
[22:19] yourself so who you're supposed to be, God can bless you. Cuz God can't bless
[22:22] God can bless you. Cuz God can't bless you if you somebody else and not who God
[22:26] you if you somebody else and not who God created you to be. And that's nobody's
[22:28] created you to be. And that's nobody's fault because the world culturally has
[22:31] fault because the world culturally has us wanting to belong,
[22:35] us wanting to belong, right? And to belong, we've got to we
[22:37] right? And to belong, we've got to we believe that we've got to be and act a
[22:39] believe that we've got to be and act a certain way.
[22:43] However, when you when you walk in your
[22:45] However, when you when you walk in your divine purpose and energy of of who you
[22:48] divine purpose and energy of of who you are, the people who are are meant to be
[22:50] are, the people who are are meant to be there, they're coming.
[22:53] there, they're coming. We got it twisted. We think we got to
[22:55] We got it twisted. We think we got to show up and do something to get it when
[22:57] show up and do something to get it when we just got to be ourselves. And it just
[22:59] we just got to be ourselves. And it just it just comes on in the room. You look
[23:01] it just comes on in the room. You look up and you be like, "Oh my god." You
[23:03] up and you be like, "Oh my god." You know, women be working on themselves or
[23:06] know, women be working on themselves or men be working on themselves and put the
[23:08] men be working on themselves and put the defenses up like,
[23:11] defenses up like, "No, I ain't ready cuz I'm I'm healing
[23:14] "No, I ain't ready cuz I'm I'm healing and I'm this and that." And then you get
[23:17] and I'm this and that." And then you get in your mojo and you doing your thing
[23:18] in your mojo and you doing your thing and you working on yourself. And then
[23:20] and you working on yourself. And then all of a sudden, you'll hear people say,
[23:23] all of a sudden, you'll hear people say, "Where did they come from?" Out of
[23:24] "Where did they come from?" Out of nowhere, I wasn't even trying to do all
[23:26] nowhere, I wasn't even trying to do all that. Cuz you ain't really the one in
[23:28] that. Cuz you ain't really the one in control. You just supposed to do what
[23:29] control. You just supposed to do what God told you to do, one step at a time.
[23:32] God told you to do, one step at a time. It all happens one step, one action, one
[23:36] It all happens one step, one action, one moment, one thought at a time. Not all
[23:39] moment, one thought at a time. Not all of these things and rule rule bricks and
[23:42] of these things and rule rule bricks and maps and all the things that we trying
[23:44] maps and all the things that we trying to go get.
[23:47] to go get. Your story
[23:49] Your story has been written for you to walk the
[23:52] has been written for you to walk the path, the journey.
[23:56] path, the journey. Nobody else knows it other than your
[23:58] Nobody else knows it other than your higher power.
[24:00] higher power. I'mma stand on that. I've lived long
[24:02] I'mma stand on that. I've lived long enough to know that now. So have no
[24:05] enough to know that now. So have no fear.
[24:06] fear. If you've been given a vision and you
[24:08] If you've been given a vision and you know that it came from your higher
[24:09] know that it came from your higher power, you are meant to you are meant to
[24:12] power, you are meant to you are meant to execute it. And what happens is you you
[24:15] execute it. And what happens is you you will begin to realize that oh
[24:20] will begin to realize that oh oh God told me to do what I told you to
[24:22] oh God told me to do what I told you to do.
[24:24] do. And when you lose your way and you not
[24:27] And when you lose your way and you not sure, go back to what was the last thing
[24:29] sure, go back to what was the last thing that God told you cuz you didn't do it
[24:31] that God told you cuz you didn't do it yet.
[24:33] yet. Okay.
[24:35] Okay. All right. Well, y'all know I'm the
[24:38] All right. Well, y'all know I'm the teacher. Class is in session. So,
[24:40] teacher. Class is in session. So, definitely drop your questions if you're
[24:42] definitely drop your questions if you're here. Um, if anything resonates, like
[24:45] here. Um, if anything resonates, like that subscribe button, like this video.
[24:49] that subscribe button, like this video. All right? And then go back and check
[24:51] All right? And then go back and check out part one. Okay, next question.
[24:56] out part one. Okay, next question. What does the phrase get your [ __ ]
[24:59] What does the phrase get your [ __ ] together mean to me?
[25:02] together mean to me? [ __ ]
[25:04] [ __ ] Sh. [ __ ] is self-love care for the S for
[25:09] Sh. [ __ ] is self-love care for the S for the S in that.
[25:12] the S in that. H is the healing.
[25:15] H is the healing. I is identity
[25:19] I is identity and T is time time freedom.
[25:24] and T is time time freedom. In each one of these areas, the self
[25:27] In each one of these areas, the self love care
[25:29] love care um it was born out of the fact that I
[25:31] um it was born out of the fact that I was putting everything and everybody
[25:33] was putting everything and everybody before me. I didn't I didn't know
[25:35] before me. I didn't I didn't know myself. I wasn't even sure that I I even
[25:38] myself. I wasn't even sure that I I even loved myself because I'm not sure that I
[25:40] loved myself because I'm not sure that I knew how because I was expecting
[25:41] knew how because I was expecting everybody else to do it. And if that had
[25:45] everybody else to do it. And if that had hadn't been modeled and and seen, right,
[25:49] hadn't been modeled and and seen, right, because
[25:52] because church had me believing and everybody
[25:54] church had me believing and everybody had me believing that I'm supposed to be
[25:56] had me believing that I'm supposed to be this person, you know, that just helps
[25:59] this person, you know, that just helps everybody be nice. Most women want to be
[26:01] everybody be nice. Most women want to be nice. They want to be kind. They want to
[26:04] nice. They want to be kind. They want to be liked. They want to be the good girl.
[26:08] be liked. They want to be the good girl. I was a little I was a little bit of a
[26:11] I was a little I was a little bit of a rebel. I didn't really care about that.
[26:15] rebel. I didn't really care about that. However,
[26:17] However, what I did care about is
[26:24] what my grandmother wanted for me, what
[26:28] what my grandmother wanted for me, what my mother wanted for me, right?
[26:32] my mother wanted for me, right? And they wouldn't have wanted me to be
[26:34] And they wouldn't have wanted me to be out here acting a fool. They would have
[26:36] out here acting a fool. They would have act wanted me to act like I belonged to
[26:38] act wanted me to act like I belonged to somebody, that I was raised. Right.
[26:42] somebody, that I was raised. Right. Right. That's another one. Raised right.
[26:45] Right. That's another one. Raised right. Whatever that is that your your uh
[26:48] Whatever that is that your your uh nucleus family determines that is that
[26:52] nucleus family determines that is that shape shape me
[26:55] shape shape me right or wrong indifferent because there
[26:58] right or wrong indifferent because there is no right or wrong. It's it's it's
[27:00] is no right or wrong. It's it's it's whatever you believe and what definition
[27:02] whatever you believe and what definition uh you want to take on. And so
[27:06] uh you want to take on. And so unknowingly that was mine.
[27:10] unknowingly that was mine. And so when I went in that war room,
[27:16] And so when I went in that war room, like my whole framework, this this has
[27:19] like my whole framework, this this has been years in the making. And I had no
[27:20] been years in the making. And I had no idea what I what I started to know is
[27:25] idea what I what I started to know is that
[27:27] that the other part of uh healing and and
[27:29] the other part of uh healing and and acceptance was that I was responsible
[27:32] acceptance was that I was responsible for my own happiness. That I had been
[27:34] for my own happiness. That I had been handing it over to somebody else and I
[27:37] handing it over to somebody else and I didn't know what it was for myself.
[27:42] didn't know what it was for myself. like how how I'm going expect somebody
[27:43] like how how I'm going expect somebody to make me happy and do all of these
[27:46] to make me happy and do all of these things and all of this and that and I
[27:49] things and all of this and that and I didn't even know what I what I wanted
[27:50] didn't even know what I what I wanted and needed and what I truly desired.
[27:53] and needed and what I truly desired. There was a point I never even thought
[27:55] There was a point I never even thought about the future. I just lived for each
[27:57] about the future. I just lived for each day. I didn't plan it. I didn't think
[27:59] day. I didn't plan it. I didn't think about it. It didn't never even crossed
[28:00] about it. It didn't never even crossed my mind when I was younger.
[28:03] my mind when I was younger. you know, and that didn't that didn't
[28:05] you know, and that didn't that didn't come into play until I had a kid and I
[28:07] come into play until I had a kid and I was responsible for somebody other than
[28:09] was responsible for somebody other than me because before that,
[28:12] me because before that, it was just, hey,
[28:14] it was just, hey, this what I'm doing, you know, and and
[28:18] this what I'm doing, you know, and and it started to take shape in in in me
[28:21] it started to take shape in in in me really looking in the mirror at my
[28:24] really looking in the mirror at my myself every day, affirm affirming
[28:26] myself every day, affirm affirming myself every day. The most powerful
[28:29] myself every day. The most powerful voice
[28:32] voice is your voice.
[28:35] is your voice. When you when you start declaring and
[28:37] When you when you start declaring and warning decree cuz the woman that I I'm
[28:40] warning decree cuz the woman that I I'm called to serve. Oh, we we can get
[28:42] called to serve. Oh, we we can get somebody else's whole life together. We
[28:45] somebody else's whole life together. We can affirm them. We can witness them. We
[28:48] can affirm them. We can witness them. We can walk with them. We can cry with
[28:50] can walk with them. We can cry with them. We can sing with them. We can
[28:52] them. We can sing with them. We can party with them. We can do all of the
[28:54] party with them. We can do all of the things right. But are we showing up in
[28:57] things right. But are we showing up in that way for themselves? And I wasn't
[28:58] that way for themselves? And I wasn't showing up that way for myself. I don't
[29:00] showing up that way for myself. I don't I don't I didn't know how. I had no
[29:03] I don't I didn't know how. I had no idea. And I didn't know that I was I
[29:06] idea. And I didn't know that I was I wasn't like there's so many things in
[29:10] wasn't like there's so many things in the healing process to accept. It's
[29:13] the healing process to accept. It's layers. There's seasons. There's cycles.
[29:17] layers. There's seasons. There's cycles. And it's okay to put it down. It's okay
[29:20] And it's okay to put it down. It's okay to accept that you didn't know because
[29:22] to accept that you didn't know because when when you don't and when I wasn't
[29:25] when when you don't and when I wasn't what I started realizing is that I had a
[29:27] what I started realizing is that I had a lot of guilt. I had a lot of shame
[29:31] lot of guilt. I had a lot of shame you know codependency
[29:33] you know codependency abandonment though those those were and
[29:35] abandonment though those those were and grief. Oh grief I carried grief around
[29:38] grief. Oh grief I carried grief around for
[29:40] for more than 30 years.
[29:43] more than 30 years. Craziness,
[29:46] Craziness, right? and and and so the self-love
[29:50] right? and and and so the self-love inner inner what I believe about me my
[29:53] inner inner what I believe about me my confidence my selfesteem
[29:57] esteem myself
[29:59] esteem myself right and then
[30:02] right and then the care self-care
[30:07] the care self-care that's the part of doing what I need to
[30:09] that's the part of doing what I need to get my needs met
[30:12] get my needs met I believe you need both and so when you
[30:15] I believe you need both and so when you put them together you get self- loveve
[30:16] put them together you get self- loveve self care.
[30:19] self care. You have to have both. For me, that
[30:21] You have to have both. For me, that looks like, okay, am I making my my my
[30:26] looks like, okay, am I making my my my medical appointments? I keep all of my
[30:29] medical appointments? I keep all of my medical appointments because overgiving
[30:32] medical appointments because overgiving and overdoing
[30:35] and overdoing and under resting and
[30:39] and under resting and you know being a bank for folks being
[30:41] you know being a bank for folks being the emotional therapists and
[30:44] the emotional therapists and uh doctor and all of the things
[30:49] uh doctor and all of the things you can't focus on your own health. I
[30:51] you can't focus on your own health. I wasn't focusing on my own health and I'm
[30:54] wasn't focusing on my own health and I'm just going going like I'm some kind of
[30:56] just going going like I'm some kind of machine. No,
[30:59] machine. No, rest is required. That's where the magic
[31:01] rest is required. That's where the magic happens in the rest, right? Where you
[31:04] happens in the rest, right? Where you can be still.
[31:07] can be still. My my God has me in a season. It's been
[31:10] My my God has me in a season. It's been about three years now where I'm the only
[31:13] about three years now where I'm the only voice that I'm listening to
[31:15] voice that I'm listening to is is that voice
[31:20] is is that voice is her voice. I know some people say
[31:23] is her voice. I know some people say him, his I say her her voice.
[31:27] him, his I say her her voice. My spirit is a woman. My God, I believe,
[31:31] My spirit is a woman. My God, I believe, is feminine.
[31:33] is feminine. Okay, let me just put that out there. I
[31:35] Okay, let me just put that out there. I said it yesterday. I'm still standing on
[31:37] said it yesterday. I'm still standing on it today cuz you get to decide.
[31:41] it today cuz you get to decide. Nobody knows. Nobody's been here before
[31:43] Nobody knows. Nobody's been here before and came back and and said, "Oh, I've
[31:45] and came back and and said, "Oh, I've been I've been out there and I know what
[31:48] been I've been out there and I know what it is." Right?
[31:50] it is." Right? Healing
[31:57] Healing is the space
[32:00] Healing is the space that allows you
[32:03] that allows you to show up as your full self,
[32:08] right? We do this pushing through, faith
[32:11] right? We do this pushing through, faith it till you make it, all of this and all
[32:14] it till you make it, all of this and all of that. But what is required for you to
[32:19] of that. But what is required for you to be you?
[32:22] be you? Because if you're if you're still half,
[32:25] Because if you're if you're still half, you know, feeling like it's going to
[32:26] you know, feeling like it's going to catch up and all of those things, you're
[32:29] catch up and all of those things, you're not giving yourself what you need.
[32:32] not giving yourself what you need. That's where the self- loveve care comes
[32:33] That's where the self- loveve care comes in. They they they all go together. They
[32:36] in. They they they all go together. They married. They married, right?
[32:40] married. They married, right? You know, you going to push through. You
[32:42] You know, you going to push through. You push it through for everybody else. Push
[32:43] push it through for everybody else. Push through for you,
[32:48] right?
[32:50] right? Healing allows you to meet your needs.
[32:53] Healing allows you to meet your needs. Healing allows you to keep your peace.
[32:55] Healing allows you to keep your peace. Healing allows you to use your power and
[32:57] Healing allows you to use your power and your voice
[33:00] your voice cuz some people um you know get quiet
[33:04] cuz some people um you know get quiet and small and disappear just totally
[33:07] and small and disappear just totally disappear like their identity is gone.
[33:10] disappear like their identity is gone. They don't know who they are. That was
[33:12] They don't know who they are. That was me. That's what happened to me. And I
[33:16] me. That's what happened to me. And I still was using my voice or so I
[33:18] still was using my voice or so I thought.
[33:20] thought. Right. Um so healing is around
[33:26] Right. Um so healing is around figuring out what you need. Sometimes
[33:29] figuring out what you need. Sometimes it's getting away um
[33:33] it's getting away um from
[33:35] from the people that you're around
[33:38] the people that you're around because that's what's keeping you small
[33:39] because that's what's keeping you small and making you believe that you you
[33:41] and making you believe that you you can't show up in your fullness.
[33:46] Right.
[33:48] Right. So, who are you
[33:51] So, who are you when you're not doing all those things?
[33:54] when you're not doing all those things? Do you know?
[33:59] You may want want to do some check-in
[34:00] You may want want to do some check-in with yourself.
[34:03] with yourself. What is what is there that is not
[34:05] What is what is there that is not allowing you to show up the way that you
[34:08] allowing you to show up the way that you want to show up? Look, what's been
[34:10] want to show up? Look, what's been purpose in your heart? Because I went
[34:11] purpose in your heart? Because I went through that, too. like I I I I love and
[34:15] through that, too. like I I I I love and like people
[34:17] like people and um I thought it was something wrong
[34:20] and um I thought it was something wrong with me because of that.
[34:24] Absolutely. Often times God will force
[34:27] Absolutely. Often times God will force you to rest. Stillness will enable you
[34:30] you to rest. Stillness will enable you to heal physically, mentally,
[34:32] to heal physically, mentally, spiritually,
[34:34] spiritually, financially,
[34:36] financially, all of that. Because you can't you can't
[34:39] all of that. Because you can't you can't when every when it's crowded in there
[34:42] when every when it's crowded in there things look foggy.
[34:46] things look foggy. Ain't no clarity in chaos and confusion.
[34:50] Ain't no clarity in chaos and confusion. When you need to heal
[34:53] When you need to heal and and and you and things get heavy for
[34:55] and and and you and things get heavy for you, the first thing that I want you to
[34:58] you, the first thing that I want you to do,
[34:59] do, I want you to always start from the
[35:01] I want you to always start from the beginning in this. When when when when
[35:03] beginning in this. When when when when things look crazy and it look like you
[35:06] things look crazy and it look like you can't find your way out of it, I want
[35:08] can't find your way out of it, I want you to start with where you lay your
[35:10] you to start with where you lay your head, your bedroom, your sanctuary,
[35:14] head, your bedroom, your sanctuary, where you where you rest. And I want you
[35:17] where you where you rest. And I want you to get anything out of that space
[35:22] to get anything out of that space that is cluttered, that does not belong
[35:25] that is cluttered, that does not belong there, that is not conducive to rest.
[35:30] there, that is not conducive to rest. Right? You got stuff sitting over here
[35:32] Right? You got stuff sitting over here on the chair because I'mma tell you
[35:34] on the chair because I'mma tell you something. Dirty clothes energy or
[35:36] something. Dirty clothes energy or whatever was going on at the time.
[35:38] whatever was going on at the time. That's why you got to clean your clothes
[35:39] That's why you got to clean your clothes and you got to clean yourself
[35:42] and you got to clean yourself and clean your space. If you can't do
[35:45] and clean your space. If you can't do anything else and if you can't clean
[35:47] anything else and if you can't clean your entire space,
[35:50] your entire space, clean your bed and make your bed every
[35:54] clean your bed and make your bed every single day. When you get out of it, make
[35:58] single day. When you get out of it, make it up. I mean, make it up. If you got
[36:00] it up. I mean, make it up. If you got pillows, put the pillows on it. If you
[36:02] pillows, put the pillows on it. If you ain't got no pillows, just make it up.
[36:04] ain't got no pillows, just make it up. Pull pull pull the sheet up. Pull your
[36:07] Pull pull pull the sheet up. Pull your your little cover up. All of that. It
[36:09] your little cover up. All of that. It will change your life cuz you will
[36:12] will change your life cuz you will accomplish one task every day if you
[36:15] accomplish one task every day if you don't do anything else. It'll get you in
[36:18] don't do anything else. It'll get you in a rhythm of a practice of taking care of
[36:21] a rhythm of a practice of taking care of yourself
[36:23] yourself so that you can have good rest in a
[36:27] so that you can have good rest in a space that is not clutter where there is
[36:30] space that is not clutter where there is not confusion.
[36:33] not confusion. The one place that you can go there are
[36:36] The one place that you can go there are times when I don't even come out of my
[36:38] times when I don't even come out of my room for days
[36:41] room for days cuz it's peace in there. Everything that
[36:44] cuz it's peace in there. Everything that I need is in there except for the Well,
[36:46] I need is in there except for the Well, I even got a refrigerator in there. The
[36:48] I even got a refrigerator in there. The stove ain't in there. If I need to cook
[36:50] stove ain't in there. If I need to cook something, if I need to prepare a meal
[36:51] something, if I need to prepare a meal and go to the bathroom, I can be in my
[36:54] and go to the bathroom, I can be in my one room for days
[36:58] one room for days because every it's in there for me. And
[37:00] because every it's in there for me. And if you share that space with someone,
[37:03] if you share that space with someone, then y'all got to probably come to some
[37:05] then y'all got to probably come to some agreements that this is a neutral zone.
[37:08] agreements that this is a neutral zone. This is a safe space. And I will share
[37:10] This is a safe space. And I will share with you. If there is a TV in there, you
[37:13] with you. If there is a TV in there, you better get that enemy out of there. Get
[37:16] better get that enemy out of there. Get that enemy out of there. Make another
[37:18] that enemy out of there. Make another space for a TV cuz TVs are not conducive
[37:21] space for a TV cuz TVs are not conducive to rest. That's programming and and you
[37:25] to rest. That's programming and and you just got it on and you just getting
[37:26] just got it on and you just getting letting anybody talk to you and say
[37:29] letting anybody talk to you and say something. You got to think about what's
[37:31] something. You got to think about what's going into your ear gates, your eye
[37:34] going into your ear gates, your eye gates,
[37:36] gates, right?
[37:38] right? your mind. Come on. Come on now.
[37:43] your mind. Come on. Come on now. You know, we we don't know till we know.
[37:45] You know, we we don't know till we know. But I'm here to tell you because class
[37:47] But I'm here to tell you because class is in session.
[37:49] is in session. I learned that and and and that spoke to
[37:52] I learned that and and and that spoke to me more than my baby 33 now. He was
[37:55] me more than my baby 33 now. He was nine. I took all the uh TVs out of the
[37:58] nine. I took all the uh TVs out of the bedrooms. Like, no, this is for rest. I
[38:02] bedrooms. Like, no, this is for rest. I don't even own a TV anymore. It's
[38:03] don't even own a TV anymore. It's somewhere in storage,
[38:06] somewhere in storage, you know. And um so we you start getting
[38:10] you know. And um so we you start getting cogn cognizant and get get serious about
[38:15] cogn cognizant and get get serious about you
[38:17] you like take no prisoners when it comes to
[38:19] like take no prisoners when it comes to you.
[38:21] you. Fight somebody about you,
[38:24] Fight somebody about you, right? You fight for everybody else. I
[38:26] right? You fight for everybody else. I do too. But you better believe now I
[38:29] do too. But you better believe now I fight for me cuz I'm worth it and so are
[38:31] fight for me cuz I'm worth it and so are you. You do not want to lose yourself.
[38:34] you. You do not want to lose yourself. You are the most valuable thing that you
[38:37] You are the most valuable thing that you have. And you will learn that you are
[38:39] have. And you will learn that you are valuable to others too because
[38:46] you've enabled them.
[38:49] you've enabled them. You've stepped you stepped in like like
[38:52] You've stepped you stepped in like like you were their God. That they needed you
[38:55] you were their God. That they needed you to do the things that they need to do.
[38:57] to do the things that they need to do. Cuz some of them probably treat you like
[38:59] Cuz some of them probably treat you like you they lifeline like like like you
[39:02] you they lifeline like like like you know everything.
[39:04] know everything. I need this, so I'mma call I'mma call
[39:07] I need this, so I'mma call I'mma call her or I'mma call him, right?
[39:11] her or I'mma call him, right? But you have the power to say no. That's
[39:14] But you have the power to say no. That's the that's the most powerful word in the
[39:16] the that's the most powerful word in the English language to me. No helps you get
[39:20] English language to me. No helps you get your needs met.
[39:24] My goal was to only give you one
[39:25] My goal was to only give you one assignment out of this episode, but
[39:27] assignment out of this episode, but there may be more as this goes on.
[39:30] there may be more as this goes on. Right.
[39:32] Right. Uh the first assignment was if you
[39:35] Uh the first assignment was if you accept it is to make your bed up every
[39:37] accept it is to make your bed up every single day. Every single day. Cuz when
[39:41] single day. Every single day. Cuz when you when you complete one task that you
[39:44] you when you complete one task that you can check off, it's going to it's going
[39:46] can check off, it's going to it's going to lead to momentum of completing other
[39:48] to lead to momentum of completing other tasks. Then you might move to keeping
[39:51] tasks. Then you might move to keeping the bathroom clean. Then you might move
[39:53] the bathroom clean. Then you might move to keeping the kitchen clean or the
[39:55] to keeping the kitchen clean or the living room or whatever other spaces
[39:58] living room or whatever other spaces that you're in that is holding a lot of
[40:00] that you're in that is holding a lot of clutter. Most people have space that has
[40:04] clutter. Most people have space that has so many things in it you can't even
[40:07] so many things in it you can't even move.
[40:11] I I grew up my mother held on to a lot
[40:15] I I grew up my mother held on to a lot of things and I don't want nothing. If
[40:18] of things and I don't want nothing. If it if it's something I bought and it's
[40:20] it if it's something I bought and it's been here two weeks
[40:22] been here two weeks on the 13th day, it's got to go. And I
[40:25] on the 13th day, it's got to go. And I didn't use it. I didn't open it up or
[40:27] didn't use it. I didn't open it up or anything. It's out of here. It is out of
[40:29] anything. It's out of here. It is out of here.
[40:32] here. You you'll get enough get to a practice
[40:34] You you'll get enough get to a practice because all of that stuff is just
[40:36] because all of that stuff is just heaviness and weighty and you and then
[40:38] heaviness and weighty and you and then you you buying bigger houses to hold it
[40:42] you you buying bigger houses to hold it to hold just stuff in rooms that you
[40:44] to hold just stuff in rooms that you don't even go in a closet. You don't go
[40:46] don't even go in a closet. You don't go in that you don't even know what's in
[40:47] in that you don't even know what's in there. I was there. I had stuff in in
[40:51] there. I was there. I had stuff in in one closet one time. I just took all
[40:52] one closet one time. I just took all this stuff and just put it out. Put it
[40:56] this stuff and just put it out. Put it out on the curb. I didn't even look in
[40:57] out on the curb. I didn't even look in it. It didn't even matter. I hadn't
[40:59] it. It didn't even matter. I hadn't looked in it in two years. So, I wasn't
[41:01] looked in it in two years. So, I wasn't going to waste my mo more energy trying
[41:04] going to waste my mo more energy trying to go through it and say, "I'mma hold on
[41:06] to go through it and say, "I'mma hold on to this and hold on to that." I didn't
[41:07] to this and hold on to that." I didn't need it. It whatever it was, I didn't
[41:09] need it. It whatever it was, I didn't need it. That's why I can't find my wool
[41:11] need it. That's why I can't find my wool coat today cuz it probably was in that
[41:15] coat today cuz it probably was in that bin. Wool coat that I just absolutely
[41:17] bin. Wool coat that I just absolutely love. Got it at Winklman. I don't know
[41:18] love. Got it at Winklman. I don't know if y'all remember that store. It fit me
[41:21] if y'all remember that store. It fit me like a glove. And um yeah, I just got
[41:25] like a glove. And um yeah, I just got rid of it and I really didn't need it. I
[41:27] rid of it and I really didn't need it. I wasn't wearing it.
[41:28] wasn't wearing it. I remembered that I that I had it a
[41:31] I remembered that I that I had it a while while back when I was looking for
[41:33] while while back when I was looking for it. But hey, then the I identity. Who
[41:38] it. But hey, then the I identity. Who are you, darling? Do you know? And if
[41:41] are you, darling? Do you know? And if you feel like you don't know yourself,
[41:43] you feel like you don't know yourself, how you going how you going to come back
[41:45] how you going how you going to come back to yourself? Right? And that's what I
[41:48] to yourself? Right? And that's what I had to do. I had to unpack that. Who am
[41:50] had to do. I had to unpack that. Who am I? Who do I who do I want to be? How do
[41:52] I? Who do I who do I want to be? How do I want to show up? What do I believe?
[41:54] I want to show up? What do I believe? What do I like? What don't I like? I
[41:57] What do I like? What don't I like? I went on a journey
[42:00] went on a journey to get to know myself.
[42:03] to get to know myself. We spend time getting to know everybody
[42:05] We spend time getting to know everybody else their life. We probably know
[42:06] else their life. We probably know everything about all kind of people,
[42:08] everything about all kind of people, especially people that we want to be in
[42:09] especially people that we want to be in relationship with, people that we like
[42:12] relationship with, people that we like or people that we love
[42:15] or people that we love and and we want them to know
[42:18] and and we want them to know more about us and and anticipate what we
[42:20] more about us and and anticipate what we need. We really want them to read our
[42:23] need. We really want them to read our minds. I thought that that's another
[42:26] minds. I thought that that's another acceptance.
[42:28] acceptance. You ain't a man reader and they ain't a
[42:29] You ain't a man reader and they ain't a man reader.
[42:32] man reader. Accept that that's not how it works.
[42:35] Accept that that's not how it works. Powerful book about that that I feel
[42:38] Powerful book about that that I feel that is helpful and it's an old school
[42:40] that is helpful and it's an old school book and but I but I listened to it. It
[42:43] book and but I but I listened to it. It was it had me cackling but it'll it'll
[42:45] was it had me cackling but it'll it'll it'll it'll it'll stir some things. It
[42:48] it'll it'll it'll stir some things. It was it's u men are from Mars and women
[42:51] was it's u men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
[42:54] are from Venus. just the reality of things around that
[42:57] just the reality of things around that dynamic and relationship,
[43:01] dynamic and relationship, right? And how to communicate, how to
[43:04] right? And how to communicate, how to get your needs met, how to say no
[43:08] get your needs met, how to say no so that you can say yes to the things
[43:10] so that you can say yes to the things that you desire,
[43:13] that you desire, right? I had to learn that. I had to I
[43:16] right? I had to learn that. I had to I had to stop
[43:19] had to stop showing up in places that I didn't even
[43:21] showing up in places that I didn't even want to be in.
[43:24] want to be in. I had to stop saying yes to things that
[43:26] I had to stop saying yes to things that I didn't even want to do
[43:29] I didn't even want to do cuz my identity was tied to all of that
[43:32] cuz my identity was tied to all of that stuff. I felt like I needed to be there
[43:35] stuff. I felt like I needed to be there so that I could get what I wanted. I
[43:38] so that I could get what I wanted. I wanted people to do for me so I was
[43:41] wanted people to do for me so I was doing what I wanted for them. That's not
[43:43] doing what I wanted for them. That's not how it works. I
[43:46] how it works. I it would have worked out really well if
[43:48] it would have worked out really well if I was doing what I wanted for me instead
[43:51] I was doing what I wanted for me instead of waiting on somebody else to do it or
[43:53] of waiting on somebody else to do it or expecting and hoping that somebody would
[43:55] expecting and hoping that somebody would do it and dancing around it. You know, I
[43:59] do it and dancing around it. You know, I um I went on a a vegan health journey in
[44:02] um I went on a a vegan health journey in 20
[44:03] 20 2015,
[44:06] 2015, beginning of the year. I moved from
[44:09] beginning of the year. I moved from Cleveland to Las Vegas and I I used this
[44:13] Cleveland to Las Vegas and I I used this app my former um boss told me about.
[44:17] app my former um boss told me about. It's called um and I love it too. It's
[44:21] It's called um and I love it too. It's called uh Meetup meetup.com.
[44:27] called uh Meetup meetup.com. And there was this group for women over
[44:30] And there was this group for women over 40. It was called Circle of Sisters or
[44:33] 40. It was called Circle of Sisters or Sister Circle or something like that.
[44:36] Sister Circle or something like that. And I went to the first meeting they
[44:38] And I went to the first meeting they were having and it was like their annual
[44:40] were having and it was like their annual meeting and they were talking about all
[44:42] meeting and they were talking about all the things and one of my first friends
[44:45] the things and one of my first friends that I made, she was having this this
[44:47] that I made, she was having this this health workshop and it was a real
[44:49] health workshop and it was a real workshop y'all like class like we had to
[44:52] workshop y'all like class like we had to go to class every Saturday morning and
[44:54] go to class every Saturday morning and we learned about every function of the
[44:56] we learned about every function of the body and how God truly designed it and
[44:58] body and how God truly designed it and it was intended to work.
[45:01] it was intended to work. And
[45:03] And that was a game changer for me because
[45:09] I had been eating processed food for 47
[45:11] I had been eating processed food for 47 years and it was not doing me any
[45:14] years and it was not doing me any justice and I wasn't I wasn't honoring
[45:17] justice and I wasn't I wasn't honoring my own body and my temple. Like we hear
[45:19] my own body and my temple. Like we hear all these biblical terms and parables
[45:22] all these biblical terms and parables and things, but do we really know what
[45:24] and things, but do we really know what they mean at their core to us to you?
[45:29] they mean at their core to us to you? You get to define and make the
[45:31] You get to define and make the definitions of what what is right for
[45:33] definitions of what what is right for you. Not because everybody else is doing
[45:36] you. Not because everybody else is doing it and the world says and all of that.
[45:39] it and the world says and all of that. That's that that's the problem. Your
[45:41] That's that that's the problem. Your identity is tied to something that is
[45:43] identity is tied to something that is not yours
[45:47] not yours that that God didn't give you.
[45:51] that that God didn't give you. That's why stuff don't work.
[45:54] That's why stuff don't work. And and if you keep going down that path
[45:56] And and if you keep going down that path long enough, God be like, "Okay, girl.
[45:58] long enough, God be like, "Okay, girl. All right, I done tried. I done I done I
[46:01] All right, I done tried. I done I done I done put these road blocks, but you just
[46:03] done put these road blocks, but you just you just determined you going that way.
[46:06] you just determined you going that way. Why are you choosing to listen to that
[46:08] Why are you choosing to listen to that and not listen to me? And I'm right here
[46:10] and not listen to me? And I'm right here in your heart.
[46:14] in your heart. In your heart,
[46:17] right?
[46:19] right? And uh so all of the noise and all of
[46:23] And uh so all of the noise and all of the confusion and all of the things need
[46:25] the confusion and all of the things need to stop and date yourself. And I mean
[46:28] to stop and date yourself. And I mean really date yourself and fall in love
[46:30] really date yourself and fall in love with yourself.
[46:33] There is no greater love than that. You
[46:36] There is no greater love than that. You know how you if you've had a baby, you
[46:39] know how you if you've had a baby, you birthe the baby or been given given the
[46:44] birthe the baby or been given given the gift of the relationship of raising
[46:47] gift of the relationship of raising someone
[46:49] someone up to become them best selves and a
[46:52] up to become them best selves and a version of themselves and all that
[46:53] version of themselves and all that things that love can feel unconditional
[46:56] things that love can feel unconditional or whatever it is. Sometimes it's it's
[46:58] or whatever it is. Sometimes it's it's it's it's a nonhuman,
[47:00] it's it's a nonhuman, right?
[47:03] And
[47:05] And how how much like you know you would
[47:09] how how much like you know you would give your life,
[47:11] give your life, right?
[47:13] right? You you deserve that too. You get to
[47:15] You you deserve that too. You get to deser you get to give that to yourself.
[47:18] deser you get to give that to yourself. That feeling
[47:23] I want you to blow your own mind.
[47:27] I want you to blow your own mind. Buy your own flowers, buy your own
[47:30] Buy your own flowers, buy your own watch, buy whatever it is that lights
[47:34] watch, buy whatever it is that lights you up,
[47:36] you up, right? Give yourself what you desire.
[47:42] right? Give yourself what you desire. It's incredible.
[47:44] It's incredible. That's how you figure out what you like,
[47:46] That's how you figure out what you like, what you don't like, what you want, what
[47:47] what you don't like, what you want, what you don't want, right?
[47:51] you don't want, right? And you you you will start to realize
[47:53] And you you you will start to realize like I started to realize I don't I
[47:55] like I started to realize I don't I don't need a lot. I don't want a lot.
[47:58] don't need a lot. I don't want a lot. It's heavy. It's weighty. It costs too
[48:00] It's heavy. It's weighty. It costs too much. Cost too much time, energy, peace,
[48:06] much. Cost too much time, energy, peace, strength.
[48:08] strength. I just want to I just want to be free.
[48:11] I just want to I just want to be free. And free looks like whatever you want it
[48:13] And free looks like whatever you want it to be. I don't want to be tied down.
[48:15] to be. I don't want to be tied down. When I when I want to get up and move,
[48:17] When I when I want to get up and move, I'm out.
[48:19] I'm out. And thank God um the past few years like
[48:24] And thank God um the past few years like money has not been an issue and and some
[48:26] money has not been an issue and and some people think that it's money
[48:29] people think that it's money but the but the prison is in the mind
[48:32] but the but the prison is in the mind that's really keeping you where you are
[48:34] that's really keeping you where you are and it was for me too.
[48:37] and it was for me too. No shame.
[48:39] No shame. Just putting it on the table. Get
[48:43] Just putting it on the table. Get putting it out there for you. Something
[48:45] putting it out there for you. Something that something to hold and and think
[48:47] that something to hold and and think about. Does that apply to you?
[48:51] about. Does that apply to you? Okay,
[48:52] Okay, that's the I, your identity. Who are
[48:54] that's the I, your identity. Who are you? Who are you in in your essence? Who
[48:56] you? Who are you in in your essence? Who do you want to be? You get to decide.
[49:02] And then there is the time. That's a
[49:06] And then there is the time. That's a that's a nonrenewable currency. It it
[49:09] that's a nonrenewable currency. It it time keeps on ticking ticking
[49:13] time keeps on ticking ticking into the future.
[49:17] into the future. the time that you have. You get to
[49:19] the time that you have. You get to decide what you want to do with it.
[49:23] decide what you want to do with it. That is the beauty in the freedom of
[49:27] That is the beauty in the freedom of that,
[49:30] you know. And I'm shooting from the hip.
[49:31] you know. And I'm shooting from the hip. I don't got no notes. It It's pretty in
[49:34] I don't got no notes. It It's pretty in the presentation and all that somewhere.
[49:37] the presentation and all that somewhere. I created it. It is born out of me. It
[49:39] I created it. It is born out of me. It came out of me,
[49:42] came out of me, right? Um, but then I made it prettier
[49:45] right? Um, but then I made it prettier and all these other things for you. And
[49:48] and all these other things for you. And what I say about that is
[49:54] regardless of how much time you believe
[49:58] regardless of how much time you believe you have or don't have, what are you
[50:01] you have or don't have, what are you doing with it? Is it spent doing what
[50:04] doing with it? Is it spent doing what you truly desire for you? Because you
[50:06] you truly desire for you? Because you need that first before you can show up
[50:09] need that first before you can show up for somebody else. And when you keep
[50:12] for somebody else. And when you keep giving your time away, you cannot mind
[50:15] giving your time away, you cannot mind your own business because you don't have
[50:17] your own business because you don't have time for yourself.
[50:19] time for yourself. First thing I figured out was that I
[50:21] First thing I figured out was that I needed to do was be first on my own
[50:25] needed to do was be first on my own calendar. Be first in my own day. You
[50:29] calendar. Be first in my own day. You don't have nothing for yourself because
[50:31] don't have nothing for yourself because you keep giving it to everybody else.
[50:34] you keep giving it to everybody else. and then you trying to fit you in at the
[50:36] and then you trying to fit you in at the end of the day and you're tired and all
[50:39] end of the day and you're tired and all the other things. So, let's flip that. I
[50:42] the other things. So, let's flip that. I flipped that.
[50:46] I started getting up early before the
[50:48] I started getting up early before the sun rs so that I could when the world
[50:51] sun rs so that I could when the world was still still and I could just have
[50:54] was still still and I could just have that time for me. I didn't want to share
[50:56] that time for me. I didn't want to share with the world. I didn't want to share
[50:57] with the world. I didn't want to share with other people that was in the house.
[50:58] with other people that was in the house. I didn't even want to share and I was in
[51:00] I didn't even want to share and I was in the house by myself.
[51:03] the house by myself. I wanted that time
[51:06] I wanted that time to just be.
[51:09] to just be. I wanted to experience that and know
[51:11] I wanted to experience that and know what that feels like cuz when when when
[51:14] what that feels like cuz when when when when it's there like journaling, I take
[51:18] when it's there like journaling, I take my bath. I get my my um my scents going.
[51:22] my bath. I get my my um my scents going. I have a morning scent, an evening scent
[51:25] I have a morning scent, an evening scent um that I I go to bed with. I travel
[51:28] um that I I go to bed with. I travel with my scents. like create the space
[51:32] with my scents. like create the space and the feeling that you desire,
[51:36] and the feeling that you desire, right? You'll know when you get your
[51:39] right? You'll know when you get your sweet spot because you're you're
[51:41] sweet spot because you're you're curating it. What is what kind of
[51:43] curating it. What is what kind of lighting do you want it want in it? Do
[51:46] lighting do you want it want in it? Do do you like like I buy I I buy buy fake
[51:50] do you like like I buy I I buy buy fake flowers like silks.
[51:53] flowers like silks. One thing, I have terrible allergies and
[51:54] One thing, I have terrible allergies and I'm allergic, but I I like colorful
[51:56] I'm allergic, but I I like colorful things and so I have them all over in
[52:00] things and so I have them all over in every room that I'm in. Um, bright
[52:02] every room that I'm in. Um, bright flowers and they're different ones. I
[52:04] flowers and they're different ones. I like calillies, whatever. Right. So, I
[52:08] like calillies, whatever. Right. So, I create I create that space what I what I
[52:10] create I create that space what I what I want in my space. And it don't matter if
[52:13] want in my space. And it don't matter if it match or they go together cuz I got a
[52:15] it match or they go together cuz I got a lot of stuff that don't, right? But it's
[52:18] lot of stuff that don't, right? But it's filled with things that bring me joy and
[52:20] filled with things that bring me joy and and that I desire.
[52:22] and that I desire. Um, it don't got to have no aesthetic,
[52:25] Um, it don't got to have no aesthetic, you know, that people it's mine. You
[52:27] you know, that people it's mine. You don't like it, go to your space,
[52:30] don't like it, go to your space, right?
[52:32] right? Um, and then that
[52:36] Um, and then that that time is so important because we
[52:39] that time is so important because we don't know how much time we have.
[52:40] don't know how much time we have. Tomorrow is not promised. Shoot,
[52:45] Tomorrow is not promised. Shoot, today ain't promised. You go to sleep
[52:48] today ain't promised. You go to sleep and not wake up.
[52:51] and not wake up. I was talking to my husband. We had been
[52:54] I was talking to my husband. We had been married for seven months. 23 I was. It
[52:58] married for seven months. 23 I was. It was 8 days before my 24th birthday.
[53:04] was 8 days before my 24th birthday. And his 26th birthday. My birthday is
[53:08] And his 26th birthday. My birthday is February 20th. His is March 5th. He died
[53:12] February 20th. His is March 5th. He died on February 12th. We were having a
[53:16] on February 12th. We were having a conversation.
[53:17] conversation. I was in my kitchen. He was downstairs
[53:21] I was in my kitchen. He was downstairs in our family room in the basement. He
[53:24] in our family room in the basement. He had been taking a nap. He woke up. We
[53:27] had been taking a nap. He woke up. We started talking back and forth. Maybe
[53:31] started talking back and forth. Maybe two minutes went by, if it was that
[53:34] two minutes went by, if it was that long. I don't even know. It was not long
[53:36] long. I don't even know. It was not long before like with with no conversation.
[53:40] before like with with no conversation. And I went to where he was
[53:44] And I went to where he was laying on the bed. It was one of those
[53:46] laying on the bed. It was one of those sofa beds. You pull it out. He had put
[53:48] sofa beds. You pull it out. He had put it took it out to take a nap. And when I
[53:51] it took it out to take a nap. And when I walked in the room, he was facing the
[53:53] walked in the room, he was facing the wall and I'm talking and he hasn't he's
[53:56] wall and I'm talking and he hasn't he's not saying anything. And we were just
[53:57] not saying anything. And we were just talking
[54:01] and I called his name. I got quiet cuz
[54:04] and I called his name. I got quiet cuz he wasn't moving. And I looked over in
[54:08] he wasn't moving. And I looked over in his face and his eyes were bloodshot red
[54:11] his face and his eyes were bloodshot red and he was foaming at the mouth.
[54:15] and he was foaming at the mouth. I was so scared
[54:19] I was so scared and I cried out his name and I threw the
[54:22] and I cried out his name and I threw the cover off of him so I could see if he
[54:24] cover off of him so I could see if he was breathing and I couldn't tell and I
[54:27] was breathing and I couldn't tell and I just hollered and screamed. I called his
[54:31] just hollered and screamed. I called his parents. I didn't even call 911. I
[54:33] parents. I didn't even call 911. I didn't even know what to do. I I called
[54:36] didn't even know what to do. I I called for his mama and his daddy
[54:39] for his mama and his daddy and they told me to call 911. I needed
[54:42] and they told me to call 911. I needed to be told what to do. That's how scared
[54:46] to be told what to do. That's how scared I was.
[54:49] I was. That happened in moments.
[54:55] That happened in moments. Moments.
[54:57] Moments. It scarred me for over 30 years. I
[55:04] It scarred me for over 30 years. I carried the weight and the grief and the
[55:06] carried the weight and the grief and the guilt that I had not
[55:10] guilt that I had not been the wife that he deserved.
[55:16] And I was carrying that around for so
[55:18] And I was carrying that around for so long. I didn't even know.
[55:22] And and that was part of the abandonment
[55:25] And and that was part of the abandonment because before that, weeks before that,
[55:28] because before that, weeks before that, months before that, we were talking
[55:29] months before that, we were talking about having a baby. And I said that I
[55:32] about having a baby. And I said that I could not
[55:34] could not do it by myself. I don't I don't I don't
[55:37] do it by myself. I don't I don't I don't know what I'm doing. I don't believe I
[55:38] know what I'm doing. I don't believe I would be a good mother. I didn't want
[55:40] would be a good mother. I didn't want kids. He was so good to me, it changed
[55:43] kids. He was so good to me, it changed my mind. I wanted I wanted to give that
[55:46] my mind. I wanted I wanted to give that to him because I felt like he deserved
[55:48] to him because I felt like he deserved it. He'd make a great dad. He was an
[55:50] it. He'd make a great dad. He was an amazing husband to me. I could do no
[55:53] amazing husband to me. I could do no wrong. Talk about unconditional loving
[55:55] wrong. Talk about unconditional loving in the flesh. I experienced that. Thank
[55:58] in the flesh. I experienced that. Thank God.
[56:00] God. God had that designed for me. And God
[56:03] God had that designed for me. And God knew that that he would only walk on
[56:05] knew that that he would only walk on this earth for 25 years.
[56:10] And
[56:12] And the last words that I remember that he
[56:15] the last words that I remember that he said to me when we were having that
[56:17] said to me when we were having that conversation about deciding to get
[56:20] conversation about deciding to get pregnant was, "I will never leave you."
[56:26] And in the flesh, he left me. He died.
[56:31] And in the flesh, he left me. He died. I thought he had an asthma attack and he
[56:34] I thought he had an asthma attack and he would be fine because he had he had very
[56:37] would be fine because he had he had very bad asthma.
[56:40] bad asthma. I ran out of the house screaming and
[56:43] I ran out of the house screaming and hollering at the top of my lungs cuz I
[56:45] hollering at the top of my lungs cuz I was so scared
[56:49] was so scared and nobody came. Then finally the
[56:53] and nobody came. Then finally the ambulance comes. When the analyst came,
[56:55] ambulance comes. When the analyst came, his parents came. This is what I recall.
[56:59] his parents came. This is what I recall. They all showed up. They got him out of
[57:01] They all showed up. They got him out of the house. They got him in the
[57:02] the house. They got him in the ambulance. His parents got me in the
[57:05] ambulance. His parents got me in the car. We flying behind the ambulance to
[57:08] car. We flying behind the ambulance to get to the hospital. And I remember my
[57:10] get to the hospital. And I remember my father-in-law said that I was floating
[57:14] father-in-law said that I was floating out the car. Like I didn't even like let
[57:17] out the car. Like I didn't even like let the car stop cuz I was I was trying to
[57:20] the car stop cuz I was I was trying to get to him. And we sat in that waiting
[57:23] get to him. And we sat in that waiting room, my mother-in-law and I.
[57:27] room, my mother-in-law and I. And then all of a sudden, I don't even
[57:28] And then all of a sudden, I don't even know how long we had been sitting there.
[57:30] know how long we had been sitting there. He came out
[57:32] He came out and he said, "Ernest pass.
[57:38] What?
[57:40] What? I didn't understand the words that came
[57:42] I didn't understand the words that came out of his mouth.
[57:45] out of his mouth. My mother-in-law, she cried for like 30
[57:49] My mother-in-law, she cried for like 30 seconds.
[57:51] seconds. And it was like her God spoke to her and
[57:54] And it was like her God spoke to her and said, "I got it." Cuz something cuz she
[57:57] said, "I got it." Cuz something cuz she never cried again. Me and my
[57:59] never cried again. Me and my father-in-law, we were a tow up from the
[58:02] father-in-law, we were a tow up from the flow up. I could not I could not
[58:06] flow up. I could not I could not breathe. I could not do anything without
[58:10] breathe. I could not do anything without crying. I never saw my life without him.
[58:14] crying. I never saw my life without him. Now I I got all of this love that I that
[58:18] Now I I got all of this love that I that I had agreed that I was going to show up
[58:21] I had agreed that I was going to show up and love him the way that he deserved to
[58:23] and love him the way that he deserved to be loved. And I can't.
[58:27] be loved. And I can't. And he can't love me the way he loved me
[58:29] And he can't love me the way he loved me no more in the flesh.
[58:31] no more in the flesh. Really?
[58:33] Really? Really?
[58:35] Really? What? What happens with that? Where does
[58:37] What? What happens with that? Where does that go?
[58:44] Where does that go? Well, it don't it don't just disappear.
[58:47] Well, it don't it don't just disappear. There has there begins to be a level of
[58:50] There has there begins to be a level of acceptance that starts to happen for you
[58:53] acceptance that starts to happen for you to heal.
[58:55] to heal. In all things, acceptance has to take
[58:58] In all things, acceptance has to take place. There has to be an awareness and
[59:00] place. There has to be an awareness and an acceptance in all things. And
[59:04] an acceptance in all things. And sometimes that is hard to grasp un until
[59:08] sometimes that is hard to grasp un until you have been through some things that
[59:10] you have been through some things that you need to you need to recover that you
[59:14] you need to you need to recover that you need to get past that you need to let go
[59:19] need to get past that you need to let go that you need to decide that it's not
[59:22] that you need to decide that it's not going to hold you that it that it's
[59:26] going to hold you that it that it's there
[59:28] there but it don't hit you like it used to hit
[59:30] but it don't hit you like it used to hit you cuz I I got triggered bad for for
[59:33] you cuz I I got triggered bad for for for a number of years, right?
[59:37] for a number of years, right? I still love him. And there was a part
[59:40] I still love him. And there was a part of me in the beginning that felt like I
[59:43] of me in the beginning that felt like I didn't deserve him cuz I was
[59:46] didn't deserve him cuz I was something else.
[59:48] something else. And he changed my life. He changed my
[59:51] And he changed my life. He changed my mind. He changed my heart. He allowed me
[59:55] mind. He changed my heart. He allowed me to be me. He never wanted me to be
[59:57] to be me. He never wanted me to be anything other than I wanted to be. He
[59:59] anything other than I wanted to be. He never wanted me to be anywhere I didn't
[01:00:01] never wanted me to be anywhere I didn't want to be
[01:00:02] want to be anything. He didn't put anything any
[01:00:04] anything. He didn't put anything any constraints on me. Like none.
[01:00:07] constraints on me. Like none. None. Probably I don't even know.
[01:00:10] None. Probably I don't even know. Probably knew I was a hot mess. I did
[01:00:12] Probably knew I was a hot mess. I did all thing all kinds of things, you know,
[01:00:14] all thing all kinds of things, you know, that didn't honor him. But he never
[01:00:16] that didn't honor him. But he never knew. And if he knew,
[01:00:19] knew. And if he knew, it didn't matter. He loved me anyway cuz
[01:00:21] it didn't matter. He loved me anyway cuz I was I was for real for real. Y'all see
[01:00:24] I was I was for real for real. Y'all see the grown up me, but the but the un
[01:00:27] the grown up me, but the but the un uncultured, untamed, un You know, the
[01:00:31] uncultured, untamed, un You know, the world hadn't gotten a hold of me yet. I
[01:00:33] world hadn't gotten a hold of me yet. I was somebody D.
[01:00:36] was somebody D. Like for real, for real.
[01:00:40] Like for real, for real. And he wanted me anyway.
[01:00:47] And he wore me down cuz I wasn't trying
[01:00:48] And he wore me down cuz I wasn't trying to be married either.
[01:00:50] to be married either. He broke all of them all of them things,
[01:00:54] He broke all of them all of them things, you know, and I don't regret it. Not one
[01:00:57] you know, and I don't regret it. Not one bit of it because it changed my life. It
[01:00:59] bit of it because it changed my life. It made room and made space for me to
[01:01:02] made room and made space for me to become Richard's mother.
[01:01:05] become Richard's mother. And uh but I didn't know how much I was
[01:01:09] And uh but I didn't know how much I was caring because when that happened,
[01:01:13] caring because when that happened, then I got pregnant six months later by
[01:01:16] then I got pregnant six months later by somebody. Then I'm faced to make a
[01:01:18] somebody. Then I'm faced to make a decision whether I want a baby and or
[01:01:20] decision whether I want a baby and or not have a baby because it I thought I
[01:01:22] not have a baby because it I thought I was pregnant by my husband when he died
[01:01:24] was pregnant by my husband when he died and turns out I wasn't. Then how the
[01:01:26] and turns out I wasn't. Then how the Lord done blessed me to have a baby and
[01:01:28] Lord done blessed me to have a baby and it ain't mine. I I mean it's out of
[01:01:30] it ain't mine. I I mean it's out of wedlock. It ain't my husband's. What the
[01:01:34] wedlock. It ain't my husband's. What the choices in that in that moment now I
[01:01:38] choices in that in that moment now I didn't turn 24 then I done had a baby at
[01:01:41] didn't turn 24 then I done had a baby at 25.
[01:01:44] Who am I? like stuff is piling on and I
[01:01:47] Who am I? like stuff is piling on and I didn't even know it. Now I'm a warrior
[01:01:50] didn't even know it. Now I'm a warrior for this baby because I told God because
[01:01:52] for this baby because I told God because I wasn't gonna have it. I wasn't gonna
[01:01:54] I wasn't gonna have it. I wasn't gonna have it at first, but God stepped in and
[01:01:57] have it at first, but God stepped in and was like
[01:02:00] was like sent a message through my my one of my
[01:02:02] sent a message through my my one of my my best friends was in my wedding
[01:02:08] my best friends was in my wedding and I went with her to get an abortion.
[01:02:10] and I went with her to get an abortion. I called her to go with me once I had
[01:02:12] I called her to go with me once I had made up my mind that this I ain't doing
[01:02:14] made up my mind that this I ain't doing this. I can't do this. He told me he
[01:02:17] this. I can't do this. He told me he wasn't going to leave me. He gone. And
[01:02:19] wasn't going to leave me. He gone. And now who is this dude? I'm I'm just This
[01:02:23] now who is this dude? I'm I'm just This just somebody I grew up with. We hanging
[01:02:25] just somebody I grew up with. We hanging out and we sleep together and I get
[01:02:26] out and we sleep together and I get pregnant. What?
[01:02:31] The audacity.
[01:02:40] every moment of every day, we get to
[01:02:42] every moment of every day, we get to decide what to do with our time.
[01:02:48] And don't be mad if you look back and
[01:02:51] And don't be mad if you look back and you feel like you wasted it. You learned
[01:02:53] you feel like you wasted it. You learned some things. It ain't wasted. It's what
[01:02:56] some things. It ain't wasted. It's what created you and where you are now to
[01:02:58] created you and where you are now to have the revelation and the acceptance
[01:03:00] have the revelation and the acceptance and the and the wisdom,
[01:03:02] and the and the wisdom, you know,
[01:03:05] you know, and you and it can help you
[01:03:08] and you and it can help you along the path and whatever that looks
[01:03:10] along the path and whatever that looks like for you cuz now you already know
[01:03:12] like for you cuz now you already know what the what what what you don't want,
[01:03:16] what the what what what you don't want, right? You got you got some information.
[01:03:19] right? You got you got some information. You got some data.
[01:03:22] You got some data. Okay?
[01:03:24] Okay? So give yourself some grace in that.
[01:03:28] So give yourself some grace in that. You probably easy to give other people
[01:03:29] You probably easy to give other people grace. I am. I was. But I wasn't giving
[01:03:31] grace. I am. I was. But I wasn't giving it to myself. I was hard on myself. Now
[01:03:34] it to myself. I was hard on myself. Now I'm kinder. We good. Some days she get
[01:03:37] I'm kinder. We good. Some days she get hard. You can check back in part one
[01:03:40] hard. You can check back in part one where I talk about soft and hard.
[01:03:43] where I talk about soft and hard. And um
[01:03:46] And um so that is [ __ ] t self-love care healing
[01:03:52] so that is [ __ ] t self-love care healing identity and time. Time is what you make
[01:03:55] identity and time. Time is what you make it and what you believe it is for you.
[01:03:58] it and what you believe it is for you. Time freedom.
[01:04:03] There's so much about time, right?
[01:04:07] There's so much about time, right? Time to write that book.
[01:04:10] Time to write that book. Time to do nothing.
[01:04:13] Time to do nothing. time to travel,
[01:04:15] time to travel, time to spend with your family.
[01:04:21] The real cheat code about time that I
[01:04:25] The real cheat code about time that I would say is
[01:04:31] time to not live a life of regrets.
[01:04:38] I wrote a book, Five Effective Ways to
[01:04:40] I wrote a book, Five Effective Ways to Make a Decision.
[01:04:42] Make a Decision. And the bonus in that book around making
[01:04:45] And the bonus in that book around making a decision is
[01:04:48] a decision is will I regret it?
[01:04:52] will I regret it? If if if that that's like the tiebreaker
[01:04:55] If if if that that's like the tiebreaker on things for me. If I don't do this,
[01:04:57] on things for me. If I don't do this, will I regret it? If I do this, will I
[01:05:01] will I regret it? If I do this, will I regret it?
[01:05:04] regret it? Right? Regret is a really nice teacher
[01:05:08] Right? Regret is a really nice teacher cuz most people
[01:05:11] cuz most people from what I've heard and you probably
[01:05:13] from what I've heard and you probably heard this too when they get closer to
[01:05:17] heard this too when they get closer to the end of their journey of life in the
[01:05:20] the end of their journey of life in the physical form. They don't they they're
[01:05:22] physical form. They don't they they're not focused on what they did do. It's
[01:05:25] not focused on what they did do. It's what they didn't do.
[01:05:27] what they didn't do. What is it that you're not doing? I'm
[01:05:30] What is it that you're not doing? I'm leaving here empty.
[01:05:32] leaving here empty. I'm leaving here empty. That's why I
[01:05:34] I'm leaving here empty. That's why I love out loud.
[01:05:38] love out loud. In in my journey of that, what I
[01:05:40] In in my journey of that, what I determined is I want to love out loud.
[01:05:42] determined is I want to love out loud. When I had my baby, I I told him I love
[01:05:46] When I had my baby, I I told him I love him even in the womb. I talked to him
[01:05:48] him even in the womb. I talked to him the whole time he was born being born
[01:05:50] the whole time he was born being born and he came out knowing and knowing my
[01:05:53] and he came out knowing and knowing my voice and hearing everything. When I
[01:05:55] voice and hearing everything. When I would be cooking, I would be talking to
[01:05:57] would be cooking, I would be talking to him and my stomach and everything and I
[01:05:58] him and my stomach and everything and I knew he was a boy from I had a knowing.
[01:06:01] knew he was a boy from I had a knowing. I never thought he was a girl.
[01:06:06] I never thought he was a girl. And and I told my mother that when I
[01:06:08] And and I told my mother that when I finally told her I was pregnant, she was
[01:06:09] finally told her I was pregnant, she was like, "I hope you have a girl and it's
[01:06:11] like, "I hope you have a girl and it's just like you." I said, "That sound like
[01:06:12] just like you." I said, "That sound like a curse. Another me." Oh my god. No.
[01:06:18] a curse. Another me." Oh my god. No. And I say all that because I I can lose
[01:06:22] And I say all that because I I can lose my way sometimes because I get excited.
[01:06:25] my way sometimes because I get excited. Um there's so many layers in life here
[01:06:27] Um there's so many layers in life here in me. And um
[01:06:34] I I didn't want to live a life of
[01:06:36] I I didn't want to live a life of regrets. I wanted him to know that he
[01:06:38] regrets. I wanted him to know that he was love. I didn't grow up hearing I
[01:06:40] was love. I didn't grow up hearing I love you.
[01:06:43] love you. Most people that in black families that
[01:06:45] Most people that in black families that I know didn't. And so we don't know what
[01:06:47] I know didn't. And so we don't know what to do with when we hear that. Like do
[01:06:49] to do with when we hear that. Like do somebody want something from us or
[01:06:51] somebody want something from us or anything? I don't want anything from
[01:06:52] anything? I don't want anything from you. I love you regardless because I
[01:06:56] you. I love you regardless because I have a open heart and an open mind. I
[01:06:58] have a open heart and an open mind. I want my heart and my mind to be light as
[01:07:00] want my heart and my mind to be light as a feather. So I keep a posture with my
[01:07:02] a feather. So I keep a posture with my hands
[01:07:04] hands just like this so that I can equally
[01:07:06] just like this so that I can equally give and receive. A warm heart. A warm
[01:07:10] give and receive. A warm heart. A warm heart. You know, when I when I first uh
[01:07:14] heart. You know, when I when I first uh found the church that I chose and really
[01:07:16] found the church that I chose and really it probably chose me is the word church,
[01:07:19] it probably chose me is the word church, Pastor Ra Vernon. Like when I was on
[01:07:22] Pastor Ra Vernon. Like when I was on that on that journey of really um
[01:07:26] that on that journey of really um getting to know Christ and making that
[01:07:28] getting to know Christ and making that choice in my decision for myself and not
[01:07:30] choice in my decision for myself and not what everybody else had said. My son had
[01:07:33] what everybody else had said. My son had went off to college and I became an
[01:07:34] went off to college and I became an empty neester and he would say that all
[01:07:37] empty neester and he would say that all the time.
[01:07:39] the time. And so those were some clothes that I
[01:07:41] And so those were some clothes that I decided that I'm I'm going to keep that
[01:07:43] decided that I'm I'm going to keep that I'm going to wear. And so I keep that
[01:07:45] I'm going to wear. And so I keep that posture at all times. And it keeps me
[01:07:49] posture at all times. And it keeps me from holding on to things that I don't
[01:07:51] from holding on to things that I don't want
[01:07:53] want that aren't mine that I want to let go.
[01:07:58] that aren't mine that I want to let go. Right?
[01:08:00] Right? But when I lost my way, it was because I
[01:08:02] But when I lost my way, it was because I stopped doing that. I started holding on
[01:08:05] stopped doing that. I started holding on and trying to control things
[01:08:08] and trying to control things because I got into the shadow side of
[01:08:11] because I got into the shadow side of things because of
[01:08:14] things because of I didn't know who I was anymore cuz I
[01:08:16] I didn't know who I was anymore cuz I stopped being her
[01:08:20] stopped being her for so many reasons.
[01:08:24] So time
[01:08:26] So time for me is about and freedom in time for
[01:08:30] for me is about and freedom in time for me is no regrets.
[01:08:32] me is no regrets. No regrets.
[01:08:35] No regrets. I don't regret that marriage, not one
[01:08:37] I don't regret that marriage, not one bit. I I loved out loud. I did
[01:08:40] bit. I I loved out loud. I did everything that I did out of love. And
[01:08:42] everything that I did out of love. And when I when it was done, I was good with
[01:08:45] when I when it was done, I was good with it. I was good with it cuz even though
[01:08:48] it. I was good with it cuz even though maybe other people didn't, you know,
[01:08:50] maybe other people didn't, you know, have good intentions or whatever, I made
[01:08:52] have good intentions or whatever, I made the choice that I made and I was okay
[01:08:55] the choice that I made and I was okay with it.
[01:08:57] with it. I'm not bitter about it. I'm not any
[01:09:00] I'm not bitter about it. I'm not any really about anybody, but if when I am,
[01:09:02] really about anybody, but if when I am, I say it. I I'm clear about it. Let's
[01:09:05] I say it. I I'm clear about it. Let's have a conversation about it. And then I
[01:09:08] have a conversation about it. And then I move on. I don't hold on to anything. I
[01:09:10] move on. I don't hold on to anything. I would I was carrying so much luggage. Oh
[01:09:13] would I was carrying so much luggage. Oh my god. Oh my god. I was carrying so
[01:09:16] my god. Oh my god. I was carrying so much luggage. We don't do that no more.
[01:09:18] much luggage. We don't do that no more. I do carry physical luggage. A lot of
[01:09:20] I do carry physical luggage. A lot of physical lug lug lug luggage because of
[01:09:23] physical lug lug lug luggage because of my mental physical needs that I need to
[01:09:26] my mental physical needs that I need to meet.
[01:09:28] meet. I meet my own me need needs now. I'm
[01:09:30] I meet my own me need needs now. I'm self-sufficient. I don't go somewhere
[01:09:32] self-sufficient. I don't go somewhere expecting somebody to meet my needs. I
[01:09:34] expecting somebody to meet my needs. I like plant-based foods and certain kind
[01:09:36] like plant-based foods and certain kind of foods and things. I get my own stuff.
[01:09:38] of foods and things. I get my own stuff. I don't go somewhere I might take it
[01:09:40] I don't go somewhere I might take it with me because I don't expect somebody
[01:09:41] with me because I don't expect somebody to to to create certain things for me
[01:09:47] to to to create certain things for me so that I meet my needs.
[01:09:51] so that I meet my needs. The women that I serve and I teach you
[01:09:53] The women that I serve and I teach you how to fish. So no matter what's going
[01:09:56] how to fish. So no matter what's going on, what's going down, we ain't waiting
[01:09:58] on, what's going down, we ain't waiting on somebody else to beat our needs.
[01:10:01] on somebody else to beat our needs. You have permission to do that for
[01:10:02] You have permission to do that for yourself. You've been waiting long
[01:10:04] yourself. You've been waiting long enough, baby.
[01:10:07] enough, baby. You've been waiting long enough.
[01:10:09] You've been waiting long enough. Okay.
[01:10:11] Okay. All right. Oh, wow. I'm only on question
[01:10:14] All right. Oh, wow. I'm only on question two.
[01:10:16] two. Dang.
[01:10:18] Dang. Let me know if that resonated. Let me
[01:10:20] Let me know if that resonated. Let me know how you feel about that. I have an
[01:10:23] know how you feel about that. I have an entire program around my get your [ __ ]
[01:10:27] entire program around my get your [ __ ] together framework. The shiit
[01:10:30] together framework. The shiit I'm hosting uh I'm actually hosting a
[01:10:34] I'm hosting uh I'm actually hosting a sacred
[01:10:37] sacred reset.
[01:10:39] reset. It's called the get your [ __ ] together
[01:10:40] It's called the get your [ __ ] together challenge. It's a sacred reset
[01:10:44] challenge. It's a sacred reset for you to lean into because maybe you
[01:10:49] for you to lean into because maybe you don't know where to start.
[01:10:53] This is an opportunity for where you're
[01:10:56] This is an opportunity for where you're to start, where you get to start, and it
[01:10:58] to start, where you get to start, and it can start with just a conversation,
[01:11:00] can start with just a conversation, booking a power and presence preview
[01:11:01] booking a power and presence preview call with me.
[01:11:04] call with me. And we'll talk about that after I get
[01:11:05] And we'll talk about that after I get through these questions. All right. So,
[01:11:10] through these questions. All right. So, how did the disruptor coach get born?
[01:11:13] how did the disruptor coach get born? The disruptor coach got born out of
[01:11:19] being lost and not
[01:11:22] being lost and not having anyone to show up for me the way
[01:11:24] having anyone to show up for me the way that I was showing up for everybody
[01:11:26] that I was showing up for everybody else. I went in search of me a me.
[01:11:30] else. I went in search of me a me. I needed me a me.
[01:11:33] I needed me a me. And once I figured that out, like
[01:11:35] And once I figured that out, like certain things just lined up. Money came
[01:11:38] certain things just lined up. Money came in where I had um the the job that I
[01:11:41] in where I had um the the job that I had, it eliminated my position. and I
[01:11:43] had, it eliminated my position. and I got a severance so I could afford to
[01:11:45] got a severance so I could afford to make an investment in myself. And then
[01:11:47] make an investment in myself. And then the young lady that I had been following
[01:11:49] the young lady that I had been following years before
[01:11:52] years before um for whatever reason um her her
[01:11:55] um for whatever reason um her her Instagram said feminine success and it
[01:11:58] Instagram said feminine success and it resonated with me. She reminded me of
[01:12:00] resonated with me. She reminded me of that younger self that I told y'all
[01:12:02] that younger self that I told y'all about who I used to be. Not that she was
[01:12:05] about who I used to be. Not that she was was fully that but I saw myself in her
[01:12:08] was fully that but I saw myself in her and there she was out of the blue. So it
[01:12:12] and there she was out of the blue. So it seemed
[01:12:15] seemed and oh guess what she had a challenge
[01:12:18] and oh guess what she had a challenge she had this program and I forget what
[01:12:21] she had this program and I forget what the name of it was it was some probably
[01:12:23] the name of it was it was some probably some kind of reset also now that I think
[01:12:25] some kind of reset also now that I think about that right and
[01:12:29] about that right and I I joined her challenge
[01:12:32] I I joined her challenge and in that challenge it had these four
[01:12:36] and in that challenge it had these four pillars relationships
[01:12:38] pillars relationships family work
[01:12:41] family work and no relationships,
[01:12:45] and no relationships, home life, work life
[01:12:49] home life, work life and the other one will come to me. Um,
[01:12:56] one of these books is from my time. I
[01:12:58] one of these books is from my time. I got all my journals and books.
[01:13:02] got all my journals and books. This says my feminine success coaching
[01:13:04] This says my feminine success coaching journey because I joined her coaching
[01:13:06] journey because I joined her coaching certification as I was getting healed.
[01:13:08] certification as I was getting healed. took on my first life coach
[01:13:12] took on my first life coach and
[01:13:14] and I was like
[01:13:18] wait people get paid for this cuz I this
[01:13:21] wait people get paid for this cuz I this was the first time I'd even invested in
[01:13:22] was the first time I'd even invested in myself. I didn't know what to do with
[01:13:24] myself. I didn't know what to do with myself like oh my god it was the best
[01:13:27] myself like oh my god it was the best feeling but it was also an uneasy
[01:13:29] feeling but it was also an uneasy feeling because I was I was moving in un
[01:13:32] feeling because I was I was moving in un uncharted territory. I'd invested in so
[01:13:34] uncharted territory. I'd invested in so many other things and other people,
[01:13:36] many other things and other people, money, time, energy, space, literally
[01:13:40] money, time, energy, space, literally space because I would take people into
[01:13:43] space because I would take people into my house. They didn't have nowhere to
[01:13:44] my house. They didn't have nowhere to go. Lord blessed me with an extra room.
[01:13:48] go. Lord blessed me with an extra room. Come on in. No kind. Sometimes there
[01:13:51] Come on in. No kind. Sometimes there were all kinds of spirits that I was
[01:13:53] were all kinds of spirits that I was letting in. I got to the point where I
[01:13:55] letting in. I got to the point where I wouldn't even put a welcome sign on my
[01:13:56] wouldn't even put a welcome sign on my door anymore because I knew that I had
[01:13:59] door anymore because I knew that I had invited all of these things in,
[01:14:02] invited all of these things in, right? And um it just it just opened up
[01:14:06] right? And um it just it just opened up so much for me because it made me I had
[01:14:09] so much for me because it made me I had that aha was like, "Oh my god, I've been
[01:14:12] that aha was like, "Oh my god, I've been doing this for over 30 years for free.
[01:14:16] doing this for over 30 years for free. It's what I would do for free." And most
[01:14:20] It's what I would do for free." And most people don't believe that what they
[01:14:22] people don't believe that what they would do for free that they that they
[01:14:25] would do for free that they that they can make a living at it. But it it's
[01:14:27] can make a living at it. But it it's probably what you're supposed to be
[01:14:28] probably what you're supposed to be doing, your zone of genius.
[01:14:31] doing, your zone of genius. It's it's probably what you want to be
[01:14:33] It's it's probably what you want to be doing. That's why you're doing it for
[01:14:34] doing. That's why you're doing it for free, right?
[01:14:38] free, right? I guarantee you if you move in that
[01:14:39] I guarantee you if you move in that direction,
[01:14:41] direction, things will align when when when you're
[01:14:44] things will align when when when you're not when you're not in that direction.
[01:14:46] not when you're not in that direction. So, this is all about me. The audit for
[01:14:48] So, this is all about me. The audit for ease. I think that was her program. The
[01:14:50] ease. I think that was her program. The audit for ease was the program,
[01:14:54] audit for ease was the program, right? Cuz things were heavy and I
[01:14:55] right? Cuz things were heavy and I needed ease. I needed I needed it to be
[01:14:59] needed ease. I needed I needed it to be like not not weighty and all of that,
[01:15:02] like not not weighty and all of that, but this is was about me building my
[01:15:04] but this is was about me building my program. So, I don't I don't fully have
[01:15:09] program. So, I don't I don't fully have hers in here.
[01:15:12] hers in here. But this is this is so cool to see these
[01:15:14] But this is this is so cool to see these notes. This was back in 23.
[01:15:17] notes. This was back in 23. This is when I when I went back to
[01:15:19] This is when I when I went back to finish my certification. I started it
[01:15:21] finish my certification. I started it doing the program and I hadn't fully
[01:15:23] doing the program and I hadn't fully healed when it was time for me to get my
[01:15:25] healed when it was time for me to get my own clients. And so I had to wait
[01:15:29] own clients. And so I had to wait because the last six months I needed to
[01:15:31] because the last six months I needed to actually have a client and go through
[01:15:32] actually have a client and go through the process to to to make sure that what
[01:15:35] the process to to to make sure that what I what I learned and was getting
[01:15:37] I what I learned and was getting certified in worked. It was holistic
[01:15:39] certified in worked. It was holistic lifestyle.
[01:15:42] lifestyle. And uh and so it took me two years
[01:15:46] And uh and so it took me two years y'all. I think was it two years to come
[01:15:48] y'all. I think was it two years to come back and get it because that was in 2020
[01:15:51] back and get it because that was in 2020 when I started that program
[01:15:54] when I started that program and um and I wasn't ready. I wasn't
[01:15:57] and um and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready.
[01:15:59] ready. However,
[01:16:02] However, it was the catalyst to me investing over
[01:16:04] it was the catalyst to me investing over and over and over and over again. I
[01:16:06] and over and over and over again. I probably invested $100,000 in myself in
[01:16:10] probably invested $100,000 in myself in in being supported because I had not I
[01:16:13] in being supported because I had not I had not felt supported in my life
[01:16:18] had not felt supported in my life other than my my husband that died. I've
[01:16:21] other than my my husband that died. I've been married three times. So, I was
[01:16:23] been married three times. So, I was married at 16
[01:16:26] married at 16 and divorced at 20. I got married again
[01:16:30] and divorced at 20. I got married again at 23.
[01:16:33] at 23. I don't think I had had a birthday. and
[01:16:35] I don't think I had had a birthday. and um
[01:16:37] um widowed
[01:16:39] widowed at 23
[01:16:43] and I identify as a widow. I shared that
[01:16:46] and I identify as a widow. I shared that and I um
[01:16:49] and I um I got married again in 2015.
[01:16:54] I got married again in 2015. I think I was 4748
[01:16:57] I think I was 4748 and then divorced in 2019. And that's
[01:16:59] and then divorced in 2019. And that's when everything in my life like sent me
[01:17:03] when everything in my life like sent me down this path
[01:17:07] and disruptor was born. At the time the
[01:17:10] and disruptor was born. At the time the work that I was doing was business
[01:17:12] work that I was doing was business continuity and disaster recovery. So I
[01:17:15] continuity and disaster recovery. So I would I would help anyone really but
[01:17:18] would I would help anyone really but mostly organizations and the people
[01:17:20] mostly organizations and the people working in those organizations prepare
[01:17:23] working in those organizations prepare for the event of a disruption.
[01:17:26] for the event of a disruption. I'm comfortable with disruption. I I I
[01:17:28] I'm comfortable with disruption. I I I can I can I can make cha I can make
[01:17:32] can I can I can make cha I can make clarity in chaos. And so dis disrupt
[01:17:36] clarity in chaos. And so dis disrupt her. That's what was speaking to me like
[01:17:39] her. That's what was speaking to me like like I was starting to realize
[01:17:44] like I was starting to realize that disruption needed to happen for me
[01:17:46] that disruption needed to happen for me to be where I was and that maintaining
[01:17:49] to be where I was and that maintaining the status quo
[01:17:51] the status quo was what created it. Cuz I wanted to be
[01:17:54] was what created it. Cuz I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be the nice girl. I
[01:17:56] liked. I wanted to be the nice girl. I wanted to be a good Christian. I had all
[01:17:58] wanted to be a good Christian. I had all of these things that were playing in my
[01:18:01] of these things that were playing in my head that I did not know that were
[01:18:02] head that I did not know that were playing in my head. And the moment that
[01:18:04] playing in my head. And the moment that I started being still and getting
[01:18:07] I started being still and getting quieter and getting clear, more and
[01:18:09] quieter and getting clear, more and stuff would more and more stuff was
[01:18:10] stuff would more and more stuff was revealing itself to me. The coaching, my
[01:18:14] revealing itself to me. The coaching, my framework, all of it, all of it. And I
[01:18:17] framework, all of it, all of it. And I was healing through it. And so I dipped
[01:18:20] was healing through it. And so I dipped my toe in and I realized, oh, maybe not.
[01:18:23] my toe in and I realized, oh, maybe not. You know, because at first I was coach I
[01:18:26] You know, because at first I was coach I think I was coach Selena's or coach
[01:18:28] think I was coach Selena's or coach Selena's jewels because I used to sell
[01:18:30] Selena's jewels because I used to sell jewelry and my my social media handle
[01:18:32] jewelry and my my social media handle was that and that was a different
[01:18:34] was that and that was a different identity but it wasn't it wasn't the
[01:18:36] identity but it wasn't it wasn't the identity that I was supposed to move in.
[01:18:38] identity that I was supposed to move in. We believe that everything is supposed
[01:18:40] We believe that everything is supposed to be all figured out and all of this
[01:18:42] to be all figured out and all of this and that's not how it works. It's one
[01:18:45] and that's not how it works. It's one step,
[01:18:48] step, one thought, one moment, one download,
[01:18:54] one thought, one moment, one download, one action. Things happen one at a time,
[01:18:59] one action. Things happen one at a time, not all together. And it has to unfold
[01:19:03] not all together. And it has to unfold for you to get the medicine from it.
[01:19:08] for you to get the medicine from it. There's medicine in those moments that
[01:19:12] There's medicine in those moments that happen and shake you up and stir you and
[01:19:14] happen and shake you up and stir you and turn you all around and sit you down or
[01:19:18] turn you all around and sit you down or lay you down or lay you out,
[01:19:21] lay you down or lay you out, you know, make you throw up cuz you
[01:19:24] you know, make you throw up cuz you can't believe it didn't happen. What
[01:19:26] can't believe it didn't happen. What just hit you? All of that, right? All of
[01:19:30] just hit you? All of that, right? All of that.
[01:19:32] that. If you're still there with here with me,
[01:19:34] If you're still there with here with me, thank you for hanging in there. uh this
[01:19:37] thank you for hanging in there. uh this what I do I go deep because it's
[01:19:41] what I do I go deep because it's warranted it's required at times and so
[01:19:45] warranted it's required at times and so disruptor coach was born because
[01:19:48] disruptor coach was born because I needed to disrupt I needed the
[01:19:51] I needed to disrupt I needed the disruption in my life and the woman that
[01:19:54] disruption in my life and the woman that I'm called to serve so did she because
[01:19:56] I'm called to serve so did she because this stuff has been ingrained in her it
[01:19:59] this stuff has been ingrained in her it is her she believes it is her identity
[01:20:02] is her she believes it is her identity you believe it is your identity and this
[01:20:06] you believe it is your identity and this it may not be because my prayer and all
[01:20:09] it may not be because my prayer and all of that when I was going through all of
[01:20:10] of that when I was going through all of that um in that marriage I was like God
[01:20:13] that um in that marriage I was like God I know this cannot be what you had in
[01:20:15] I know this cannot be what you had in mind for me
[01:20:17] mind for me even in all of that I knew that that it
[01:20:20] even in all of that I knew that that it was something was off and I kept feeling
[01:20:22] was something was off and I kept feeling like something was off but I didn't know
[01:20:25] like something was off but I didn't know what
[01:20:28] what right so disruptor was born out of
[01:20:31] right so disruptor was born out of disruption out of loss out of grief
[01:20:36] disruption out of loss out of grief Out of belief, out of acceptance,
[01:20:40] Out of belief, out of acceptance, out of clarity,
[01:20:44] out of out of a desire, even at even
[01:20:49] out of out of a desire, even at even even in my pain and my suffering and my
[01:20:54] even in my pain and my suffering and my struggling because I was suffering. I
[01:20:56] struggling because I was suffering. I was suffering in silence.
[01:20:58] was suffering in silence. I was struggling
[01:21:03] struggling to be the caregiver for
[01:21:06] struggling to be the caregiver for somebody that I didn't even like.
[01:21:09] somebody that I didn't even like. I realized I didn't love, I didn't want
[01:21:11] I realized I didn't love, I didn't want to be with, and that I I felt was was
[01:21:15] to be with, and that I I felt was was hurting mentally,
[01:21:18] physically, emotionally,
[01:21:20] physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
[01:21:27] The person that I thought was going to
[01:21:29] The person that I thought was going to love me and care for me became for me
[01:21:32] love me and care for me became for me this monster
[01:21:35] this monster for me.
[01:21:43] Like it just wasn't making sense.
[01:21:46] Like it just wasn't making sense. But God, but God,
[01:21:50] But God, but God, I knew I was waiting on the sign for for
[01:21:52] I knew I was waiting on the sign for for something to move. And when when when
[01:21:54] something to move. And when when when that sign came, I was like, "Oh, they
[01:21:57] that sign came, I was like, "Oh, they ain't getting back in here.
[01:22:00] ain't getting back in here. They ain't getting back in here." Moved
[01:22:02] They ain't getting back in here." Moved all the stuff out and that was it.
[01:22:06] all the stuff out and that was it. I locked in. I needed that. I needed to
[01:22:10] I locked in. I needed that. I needed to do that in my own strength and power to
[01:22:12] do that in my own strength and power to take my power back. Um cuz I laid it
[01:22:16] take my power back. Um cuz I laid it down.
[01:22:18] down. A lot of stuff they didn't even ask me
[01:22:20] A lot of stuff they didn't even ask me for. I just was doing it because I got
[01:22:22] for. I just was doing it because I got that vision to do it. And I was just
[01:22:23] that vision to do it. And I was just doing it. A lot of things that you're
[01:22:25] doing it. A lot of things that you're doing, ain't nobody told you to do it.
[01:22:27] doing, ain't nobody told you to do it. You just do it. You just volunteer. They
[01:22:30] You just do it. You just volunteer. They don't ask. Then you just do it.
[01:22:35] don't ask. Then you just do it. It's okay. Ain't no shame.
[01:22:38] It's okay. Ain't no shame. Doing it out of love. Doing it out of
[01:22:41] Doing it out of love. Doing it out of want having a desire to want to get your
[01:22:43] want having a desire to want to get your needs met to belong. That sounds
[01:22:45] needs met to belong. That sounds familiar.
[01:22:47] familiar. But if you don't want to do it anymore,
[01:22:49] But if you don't want to do it anymore, you got permission to to not do it
[01:22:51] you got permission to to not do it anymore and put it down and to say no
[01:22:55] anymore and put it down and to say no so that you can say yes to the things
[01:22:57] so that you can say yes to the things that you've been putting off and and and
[01:23:00] that you've been putting off and and and and realizing
[01:23:05] that that's not the life that God had
[01:23:08] that that's not the life that God had for you. That you don't have to settle
[01:23:09] for you. That you don't have to settle for it.
[01:23:15] that you can be set free from. And it
[01:23:18] that you can be set free from. And it can look God in the suddenly business.
[01:23:20] can look God in the suddenly business. Suddenly, it can look entirely
[01:23:22] Suddenly, it can look entirely different. Just one step at a time. One
[01:23:24] different. Just one step at a time. One decision at a time.
[01:23:28] decision at a time. One thing I know for sure, it all starts
[01:23:30] One thing I know for sure, it all starts with a decision.
[01:23:33] with a decision. You got to make a decision.
[01:23:38] That part.
[01:23:40] That part. All right. So that's how the disruptor
[01:23:42] All right. So that's how the disruptor coach was born and we've been rocking
[01:23:44] coach was born and we've been rocking ever since. And it it it hasn't been
[01:23:46] ever since. And it it it hasn't been pretty
[01:23:48] pretty and I haven't wanted to give it e give
[01:23:50] and I haven't wanted to give it e give it up either. Not and not one day. This
[01:23:52] it up either. Not and not one day. This is the work that I am called to do. This
[01:23:55] is the work that I am called to do. This is my calling. I know it. I know it. I
[01:23:57] is my calling. I know it. I know it. I know it. I'm I'm I'm
[01:24:00] know it. I'm I'm I'm It's in my soul. It's how I show up
[01:24:03] It's in my soul. It's how I show up every day without even I don't even have
[01:24:06] every day without even I don't even have to try,
[01:24:08] to try, right? It's the teacher in me.
[01:24:12] right? It's the teacher in me. And
[01:24:15] And I've also been given a vision
[01:24:19] I've also been given a vision that I'm called to bring to life, to
[01:24:22] that I'm called to bring to life, to birth. So, we going to do that, too. Cuz
[01:24:25] birth. So, we going to do that, too. Cuz that vision is what is what made me say
[01:24:28] that vision is what is what made me say yes to that marriage because I thought I
[01:24:30] yes to that marriage because I thought I needed that person to bring it to life.
[01:24:33] needed that person to bring it to life. And now it to learn even in that
[01:24:36] And now it to learn even in that stillness when when when I learn heard
[01:24:38] stillness when when when I learn heard myself praying
[01:24:40] myself praying maybe that's gonna come up. Let me see.
[01:24:46] Okay. I I'll tell you
[01:24:50] Okay. I I'll tell you in two more questions. All right.
[01:24:53] in two more questions. All right. So what did it cost me to become the
[01:24:56] So what did it cost me to become the woman I am now?
[01:25:01] woman I am now? What did it cost me? It cost me
[01:25:11] It cost me What did it cost me to become
[01:25:14] It cost me What did it cost me to become the woman I am now? It cost me
[01:25:21] That's a good question.
[01:25:33] It cost me, this may sound weird, but
[01:25:37] It cost me, this may sound weird, but one I got I got butterflies in my
[01:25:40] one I got I got butterflies in my stomach.
[01:25:44] It cost me
[01:25:58] That's a good question.
[01:26:01] That's a good question. So, I want to I want to really
[01:26:04] So, I want to I want to really That's not That's not a light question.
[01:26:09] That's not That's not a light question. It's a great question.
[01:26:12] It's a great question. And it cost me
[01:26:27] It it
[01:26:30] It it what did it cost me Selena
[01:26:33] what did it cost me Selena to become the woman that I am now?
[01:26:37] to become the woman that I am now? It cost me
[01:26:43] years of sacrifice.
[01:26:49] sacrificing for others.
[01:26:58] It costs me,
[01:27:00] It costs me, you know what it cost me?
[01:27:05] It cost me
[01:27:12] not being present in my own life.
[01:27:17] I was not living my own life.
[01:27:21] I was not living my own life. I was living
[01:27:24] I was living everybody else's life.
[01:27:30] Oh Lord, I got goosebumps all over me.
[01:27:35] Oh Lord, I got goosebumps all over me. It cost me my own life. My own life. The
[01:27:40] It cost me my own life. My own life. The life that God gave me. The breath that
[01:27:43] life that God gave me. The breath that God gave me.
[01:27:45] God gave me. It cost me that.
[01:27:59] I had to
[01:28:01] I had to I had I had to fight to get this life
[01:28:03] I had I had to fight to get this life back. I had to fight to get my life
[01:28:08] back. I had to fight to get my life cuz it didn't feel I didn't have one. I
[01:28:10] cuz it didn't feel I didn't have one. I didn't have one.
[01:28:13] didn't have one. Right. lifeline for everybody else.
[01:28:19] Everything for everybody else. And and I
[01:28:21] Everything for everybody else. And and I mean everything, right? You know,
[01:28:25] mean everything, right? You know, are you her?
[01:28:27] are you her? Is this resonating?
[01:28:30] Is this resonating? It cost me my own life. It cost me my
[01:28:35] It cost me my own life. It cost me my own time.
[01:28:40] It cost me my peace.
[01:28:43] It cost me my peace. It cost me my energy. It cost me my
[01:28:47] It cost me my energy. It cost me my self-esteem, my confidence.
[01:28:50] self-esteem, my confidence. It cost me
[01:28:52] It cost me money.
[01:28:54] money. Woo!
[01:28:58] I I I bought a million dollars worth of
[01:29:01] I I I bought a million dollars worth of real estate. A million dollars.
[01:29:05] real estate. A million dollars. Really close to a million
[01:29:09] Really close to a million in real estate.
[01:29:11] in real estate. And I used my own money from my 401k
[01:29:18] to buy it because I was playing chess.
[01:29:23] to buy it because I was playing chess. Not checkers. I was playing strategic
[01:29:25] Not checkers. I was playing strategic games to keep people from doing crazy
[01:29:28] games to keep people from doing crazy things.
[01:29:31] things. crazy things
[01:29:35] to keep my money and invest it in
[01:29:38] to keep my money and invest it in something that would make a return
[01:29:40] something that would make a return versus some schemes or, you know,
[01:29:47] versus some schemes or, you know, unsafe investments
[01:29:52] because
[01:29:53] because some investments are in people.
[01:30:00] Some investments in people are great
[01:30:02] Some investments in people are great investments
[01:30:04] investments and some are not.
[01:30:08] It costs me
[01:30:29] cost me my mind. I thought I was going
[01:30:31] cost me my mind. I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was crazy. I thought
[01:30:36] crazy. I thought I was crazy. I thought I thought I was going to die.
[01:30:49] Yeah. It cost me
[01:30:55] Alignment, freedom.
[01:31:08] You know, it cost me all the things that
[01:31:10] You know, it cost me all the things that I desired
[01:31:12] I desired that I that I wanted that I didn't know
[01:31:16] that I that I wanted that I didn't know that I could have.
[01:31:21] I'm going to have to watch this back cuz
[01:31:23] I'm going to have to watch this back cuz I can't believe some of the things that
[01:31:24] I can't believe some of the things that are coming out of my mouth. Y'all
[01:31:26] are coming out of my mouth. Y'all catching it real time.
[01:31:30] catching it real time. All right.
[01:31:33] All right. There's probably more if they come up. I
[01:31:35] There's probably more if they come up. I I'll let you know.
[01:31:37] I'll let you know. All right. All right. All right. All
[01:31:38] All right. All right. All right. All right.
[01:31:42] What does selflove care look like in my
[01:31:45] What does selflove care look like in my daily life?
[01:31:54] in the mornings when I first rise. Let's
[01:31:56] in the mornings when I first rise. Let's just start with the beginning, right?
[01:31:58] just start with the beginning, right? Start from the beginning.
[01:32:01] Before I
[01:32:05] Before I get out of bed, when I open my my eyes,
[01:32:08] get out of bed, when I open my my eyes, I give I give thanks
[01:32:11] I give I give thanks for the day
[01:32:15] and I ask
[01:32:19] God, what do you have in mind for me
[01:32:21] God, what do you have in mind for me today?
[01:32:24] today? And it feels light and free. Doesn't
[01:32:26] And it feels light and free. Doesn't have to be I I have some rituals and
[01:32:29] have to be I I have some rituals and prayers.
[01:32:31] prayers. I don't do all that anymore. You know,
[01:32:34] I don't do all that anymore. You know, it it it started to feel rigid and not
[01:32:38] it it it started to feel rigid and not freeing.
[01:32:40] freeing. And so
[01:32:42] And so I do what what comes to my heart and my
[01:32:45] I do what what comes to my heart and my mind at the time when God puts it on my
[01:32:47] mind at the time when God puts it on my heart and my mind when I first wake
[01:32:49] heart and my mind when I first wake before I get out of the bed and I and I
[01:32:53] before I get out of the bed and I and I lay there and I feel and lean into
[01:32:56] lay there and I feel and lean into myself and my body
[01:32:59] myself and my body to see what it needs, my needs. What
[01:33:02] to see what it needs, my needs. What what what what does she need?
[01:33:06] what what what does she need? And my mirror is there. So when I when I
[01:33:09] And my mirror is there. So when I when I sit up, I hold myself
[01:33:14] sit up, I hold myself and I tell myself, I love me. I love
[01:33:17] and I tell myself, I love me. I love you. How you doing?
[01:33:23] What am I feeling?
[01:33:25] What am I feeling? What do I want for the day?
[01:33:28] What do I want for the day? What are we calling in?
[01:33:31] What are we calling in? Every day is different. Not not one day
[01:33:34] Every day is different. Not not one day is the same,
[01:33:37] is the same, right?
[01:33:38] right? And um
[01:33:45] but most of the day it starts exactly
[01:33:48] but most of the day it starts exactly like that. And when I get out of the
[01:33:50] like that. And when I get out of the bed, I make my bed up. If I don't do
[01:33:54] bed, I make my bed up. If I don't do anything else in any day, and I don't
[01:33:57] anything else in any day, and I don't care where I'm at, even if I'm in a
[01:33:59] care where I'm at, even if I'm in a hotel room or what have you,
[01:34:03] hotel room or what have you, I will make my bed up. especially if
[01:34:06] I will make my bed up. especially if I've decided that I'm not going to let
[01:34:07] I've decided that I'm not going to let them come in and clean. If I let them
[01:34:10] them come in and clean. If I let them come in and clean, I think I still make
[01:34:12] come in and clean, I think I still make the bed up. Um because that's something
[01:34:16] the bed up. Um because that's something that I desire. I like a clean madeup bed
[01:34:19] that I desire. I like a clean madeup bed and getting into a clean madeup bed.
[01:34:22] and getting into a clean madeup bed. It's it's nothing like it.
[01:34:26] It's it's nothing like it. And um
[01:34:29] And um and I um I do that. I I have an app
[01:34:34] and I um I do that. I I have an app bearable that I use to keep me on track
[01:34:37] bearable that I use to keep me on track and make sure that I'm doing all the
[01:34:39] and make sure that I'm doing all the things that I desire for
[01:34:43] things that I desire for myself so that I don't forget
[01:34:46] myself so that I don't forget because it's easy when life gets started
[01:34:48] because it's easy when life gets started and going um to do that. So I look at
[01:34:52] and going um to do that. So I look at Bearable to make sure that I am taking
[01:34:56] Bearable to make sure that I am taking the supplements and the medication um
[01:34:59] the supplements and the medication um because it's both. It's the love and
[01:35:01] because it's both. It's the love and it's the care care. The things that I
[01:35:03] it's the care care. The things that I need to do to be able to show up, you
[01:35:06] need to do to be able to show up, you know. Um, I had an eye appointment
[01:35:08] know. Um, I had an eye appointment today. I have a eye mask. It's a warmer.
[01:35:11] today. I have a eye mask. It's a warmer. I have Shogun syndrome. So, they say
[01:35:15] I have Shogun syndrome. So, they say I'm going to be healed from that.
[01:35:18] I'm going to be healed from that. Right. So, so in the meantime to to be
[01:35:21] Right. So, so in the meantime to to be healed, I have to do what I need to do
[01:35:24] healed, I have to do what I need to do to care for my eyes. And so he's like,
[01:35:28] to care for my eyes. And so he's like, and I love it because it's natural. It's
[01:35:30] and I love it because it's natural. It's natural things. It's not putting some
[01:35:32] natural things. It's not putting some kind of foreign medication in my body,
[01:35:35] kind of foreign medication in my body, right? That wasn't designed to be there.
[01:35:38] right? That wasn't designed to be there. That's that's one thing that prevents
[01:35:40] That's that's one thing that prevents being heal healing. And um
[01:35:47] where was I going with that?
[01:35:50] where was I going with that? So I'm doing the things that I need to
[01:35:52] So I'm doing the things that I need to do to care for myself.
[01:35:55] do to care for myself. And um sometimes it's it's it's writing
[01:35:58] And um sometimes it's it's it's writing in my journal.
[01:36:00] in my journal. Sometimes it's just doing and giving
[01:36:03] Sometimes it's just doing and giving myself a voice note
[01:36:06] myself a voice note um because that's easier.
[01:36:09] um because that's easier. And um speaking in speaking speaking
[01:36:14] And um speaking in speaking speaking out loud
[01:36:17] out loud allows me to hear what is really being
[01:36:19] allows me to hear what is really being said and get it out of my mind and
[01:36:22] said and get it out of my mind and determine whether I agree with that or
[01:36:25] determine whether I agree with that or not. Because if I keep saying things in
[01:36:28] not. Because if I keep saying things in my mind, my mind doesn't know the
[01:36:30] my mind, my mind doesn't know the difference. If it's right or wrong, it's
[01:36:32] difference. If it's right or wrong, it's true. Not true. Right there. I I I just
[01:36:37] true. Not true. Right there. I I I just had I think I shared that with y'all
[01:36:39] had I think I shared that with y'all about the tell saying to myself that I
[01:36:42] about the tell saying to myself that I couldn't remember. I don't remember.
[01:36:44] couldn't remember. I don't remember. Well, I can remember. I don't recall.
[01:36:47] Well, I can remember. I don't recall. And the more that I started saying I I
[01:36:49] And the more that I started saying I I don't recall now and reframe that things
[01:36:51] don't recall now and reframe that things are coming to me more and more. Um and
[01:36:55] are coming to me more and more. Um and so I'm always checking in and speaking.
[01:37:00] so I'm always checking in and speaking. I think out loud on purpose,
[01:37:03] I think out loud on purpose, right? I like thinking out loud because
[01:37:06] right? I like thinking out loud because it helps me love out loud. It helps me
[01:37:09] it helps me love out loud. It helps me get things out because I ideate a lot.
[01:37:11] get things out because I ideate a lot. Lord gives me a lot of downloads about a
[01:37:13] Lord gives me a lot of downloads about a lot of things about people, situations,
[01:37:16] lot of things about people, situations, circumstances.
[01:37:18] circumstances. I have the gift of knowing. Um, and so I
[01:37:21] I have the gift of knowing. Um, and so I let my knowing come in.
[01:37:24] let my knowing come in. I let I let the flow of my day happen.
[01:37:29] I let I let the flow of my day happen. That's what self-love care looks like.
[01:37:33] That's what self-love care looks like. I leave room
[01:37:38] for flow
[01:37:41] for flow except for Mondays and Tuesdays can get
[01:37:43] except for Mondays and Tuesdays can get a little tight. Um because they're
[01:37:45] a little tight. Um because they're things that I I've invested in that I
[01:37:48] things that I I've invested in that I want to be up able to show up and and
[01:37:50] want to be up able to show up and and and get get for me and to be able to
[01:37:54] and get get for me and to be able to support um the woman that I'm called to
[01:37:57] support um the woman that I'm called to support. And I I got to I got to I got
[01:38:00] support. And I I got to I got to I got to get it myself to give it to her,
[01:38:03] to get it myself to give it to her, right? To give it to you.
[01:38:06] right? To give it to you. And um
[01:38:10] And um what else?
[01:38:12] what else? I just went to the store today. There
[01:38:14] I just went to the store today. There are certain foods and things that I
[01:38:16] are certain foods and things that I desire that I have to have. So, um
[01:38:19] desire that I have to have. So, um making sure that that stays stocked at
[01:38:22] making sure that that stays stocked at all times. I've been gone for like 25
[01:38:24] all times. I've been gone for like 25 days. So, I just went to the store
[01:38:27] days. So, I just went to the store literally today, picked up my water. I
[01:38:30] literally today, picked up my water. I only drink spring water. I'm I'm I don't
[01:38:33] only drink spring water. I'm I'm I don't play about that. I'm particular. So,
[01:38:34] play about that. I'm particular. So, y'all always going to see me with a
[01:38:36] y'all always going to see me with a water bottle or my own bottle um that um
[01:38:39] water bottle or my own bottle um that um has spring water in it. I don't just get
[01:38:41] has spring water in it. I don't just get anybody's water. Purified water is not
[01:38:44] anybody's water. Purified water is not for me. Um and and meeting my own needs.
[01:38:47] for me. Um and and meeting my own needs. And I don't expect anybody to go and get
[01:38:49] And I don't expect anybody to go and get it and do it unless I call and ask. I do
[01:38:52] it and do it unless I call and ask. I do have a good friend that when I when I
[01:38:54] have a good friend that when I when I call, they show up for me and and
[01:38:57] call, they show up for me and and they'll they'll come see about me and go
[01:38:59] they'll they'll come see about me and go get me whatever I need. And I appreciate
[01:39:01] get me whatever I need. And I appreciate that. It that that's another one. Asking
[01:39:04] that. It that that's another one. Asking for help, asking for what I need,
[01:39:06] for help, asking for what I need, putting it out there.
[01:39:08] putting it out there. No, not being afraid of that. There was
[01:39:10] No, not being afraid of that. There was a time I wouldn't ask for help. I was
[01:39:11] a time I wouldn't ask for help. I was suffering in silence because I wasn't
[01:39:13] suffering in silence because I wasn't asking for no help,
[01:39:16] asking for no help, right? Nobody knew
[01:39:19] right? Nobody knew you. You could put that weight down. You
[01:39:22] you. You could put that weight down. You could put that weight
[01:39:25] could put that weight down today.
[01:39:28] down today. I can teach you how to do that one step
[01:39:31] I can teach you how to do that one step at a time.
[01:39:34] at a time. Only takes one step. You start with one.
[01:39:37] Only takes one step. You start with one. Um
[01:39:40] Um I um I decided this past weekend that I
[01:39:43] I um I decided this past weekend that I was actually going to do like my
[01:39:45] was actually going to do like my self-love. So, my Saturdays, my
[01:39:48] self-love. So, my Saturdays, my Saturdays is is is not open. It's a
[01:39:52] Saturdays is is is not open. It's a non-negotiable day. I don't work on
[01:39:54] non-negotiable day. I don't work on Saturdays unless I choose. And and what
[01:39:58] Saturdays unless I choose. And and what Saturdays look like, it's my Sabbath. I
[01:40:00] Saturdays look like, it's my Sabbath. I do whatever I want. Take myself out
[01:40:03] do whatever I want. Take myself out where where and do whatever I want to
[01:40:05] where where and do whatever I want to do. If it if I'm want to do a solo thing
[01:40:08] do. If it if I'm want to do a solo thing or if I want to hang with family and
[01:40:10] or if I want to hang with family and friends, whatever I want to do, whatever
[01:40:12] friends, whatever I want to do, whatever that looks like, that that's what I do
[01:40:14] that looks like, that that's what I do on Saturday. sleep in. Some days I don't
[01:40:16] on Saturday. sleep in. Some days I don't want to do nothing. Um,
[01:40:19] want to do nothing. Um, and
[01:40:21] and on Sundays now I do all my self-c care
[01:40:25] on Sundays now I do all my self-c care stuff, making sure my pill bottles and
[01:40:28] stuff, making sure my pill bottles and my supplements are ready to go for the
[01:40:31] my supplements are ready to go for the week. Um, taking my bath. I do my
[01:40:35] week. Um, taking my bath. I do my laundry if it needs to get done. I used
[01:40:37] laundry if it needs to get done. I used to have somebody come and pick up my
[01:40:38] to have somebody come and pick up my laundry and that service um um it got
[01:40:42] laundry and that service um um it got stopped or whatever. And so I I started
[01:40:45] stopped or whatever. And so I I started taking it to the local place here. It's
[01:40:48] taking it to the local place here. It's blackown, which I just love, but I've
[01:40:50] blackown, which I just love, but I've been traveling so much I haven't been
[01:40:52] been traveling so much I haven't been able to do it. And we got a new new
[01:40:53] able to do it. And we got a new new washer. So I feel better about doing
[01:40:55] washer. So I feel better about doing that. But but I typically would pay
[01:40:58] that. But but I typically would pay somebody to come in and keep my house
[01:41:00] somebody to come in and keep my house clean.
[01:41:02] clean. And um and now I'm always going to have
[01:41:06] And um and now I'm always going to have a coach and a therapist. I will pay for
[01:41:09] a coach and a therapist. I will pay for that because I always want to be
[01:41:11] that because I always want to be supported and also an assistant now. So
[01:41:15] supported and also an assistant now. So I am going to have some form of an
[01:41:16] I am going to have some form of an assistant to help me carry out and do
[01:41:19] assistant to help me carry out and do the things that I want to do so that I
[01:41:21] the things that I want to do so that I can be me.
[01:41:23] can be me. I also am very uh particular about
[01:41:27] I also am very uh particular about having someone that helps me with my
[01:41:29] having someone that helps me with my finances,
[01:41:32] finances, having a medical team and medical staff
[01:41:35] having a medical team and medical staff that is like helping me be my best self.
[01:41:38] that is like helping me be my best self. I don't take in everything that they say
[01:41:40] I don't take in everything that they say cuz some of it I just don't agree with
[01:41:42] cuz some of it I just don't agree with it. Um but I get the information that I
[01:41:46] it. Um but I get the information that I need to then make the next step in the
[01:41:48] need to then make the next step in the decisions because I'm a healer. I know
[01:41:50] decisions because I'm a healer. I know how to do that. Um
[01:41:54] how to do that. Um I mean it it was part of my sacred woman
[01:41:56] I mean it it was part of my sacred woman journey and learning and learning that
[01:41:58] journey and learning and learning that and also what I was learning as a
[01:42:00] and also what I was learning as a holistic life coach. So they complement
[01:42:02] holistic life coach. So they complement each other and um
[01:42:08] and so
[01:42:11] and so my finances and then my good my good
[01:42:14] my finances and then my good my good girlfriend group. We've been friends for
[01:42:17] girlfriend group. We've been friends for um 45 years or I don't know how long
[01:42:20] um 45 years or I don't know how long it's been. and we show up for each
[01:42:23] it's been. and we show up for each other. So, my squad, us getting together
[01:42:26] other. So, my squad, us getting together or being on the phone and all of those
[01:42:28] or being on the phone and all of those things and then the communities that I'm
[01:42:30] things and then the communities that I'm in. Um, so I can be supported, I can be
[01:42:33] in. Um, so I can be supported, I can be seen. I need to be seen
[01:42:36] seen. I need to be seen because I need to be knowing if I'm
[01:42:39] because I need to be knowing if I'm looking right, if I'm acting right, if I
[01:42:41] looking right, if I'm acting right, if I if I'm being true to who I am, I need
[01:42:43] if I'm being true to who I am, I need somebody to hold me accountable for that
[01:42:45] somebody to hold me accountable for that because I said that's what I desire. And
[01:42:47] because I said that's what I desire. And I want somebody to love me enough to
[01:42:49] I want somebody to love me enough to want that for me, too.
[01:42:51] want that for me, too. Right.
[01:42:53] Right. And uh
[01:42:56] And uh I'm layered, y'all. It ain't it ain't
[01:42:58] I'm layered, y'all. It ain't it ain't just no one answer.
[01:43:01] just no one answer. Um it's it and it's dynamic.
[01:43:05] Um it's it and it's dynamic. Sometimes it's catching up with people
[01:43:06] Sometimes it's catching up with people that the Lord placed on my heart and I
[01:43:08] that the Lord placed on my heart and I just call them out of the blue and we
[01:43:11] just call them out of the blue and we might talk for hours cuz we ain't talked
[01:43:12] might talk for hours cuz we ain't talked in a while. Um so it's all of the
[01:43:16] in a while. Um so it's all of the freedom of that. Um, it's booking trips
[01:43:19] freedom of that. Um, it's booking trips when when when when the spirits say move
[01:43:22] when when when when the spirits say move and I don't have no idea where the money
[01:43:24] and I don't have no idea where the money coming from, but I say yes anyway. Some
[01:43:26] coming from, but I say yes anyway. Some people, Coach Rachel be like, "Fuck it.
[01:43:29] people, Coach Rachel be like, "Fuck it. I'm in." Yep. Right now, I just put a I
[01:43:34] I'm in." Yep. Right now, I just put a I got Let me see how much time I got left.
[01:43:35] got Let me see how much time I got left. I'm going to I'm going to Panama.
[01:43:40] Let me see. I'm going to Panama. And let
[01:43:44] Let me see. I'm going to Panama. And let me see how much time this this app say I
[01:43:46] me see how much time this this app say I got to pay for that flight. And I'm
[01:43:49] got to pay for that flight. And I'm piecing it together one at a time
[01:43:51] piecing it together one at a time because I still get to go. I got 15
[01:43:53] because I still get to go. I got 15 hours and 53 minutes, y'all, to pay for
[01:43:55] hours and 53 minutes, y'all, to pay for this Panama flight to lock that that
[01:43:57] this Panama flight to lock that that rate in. And it's a really good rate, so
[01:43:59] rate in. And it's a really good rate, so I'm doing it. And um I just wanted to
[01:44:02] I'm doing it. And um I just wanted to move some money around.
[01:44:05] move some money around. And
[01:44:08] And you know it it um
[01:44:12] I'm a caregiver for my mother and I want
[01:44:15] I'm a caregiver for my mother and I want to just be my mother's daughter.
[01:44:18] to just be my mother's daughter. Um so it it's making space for that and
[01:44:22] Um so it it's making space for that and what that looks like. And so how I what
[01:44:25] what that looks like. And so how I what what I do to balance that is
[01:44:28] what I do to balance that is everything that I do for her when she
[01:44:30] everything that I do for her when she allows me I make sure that I do
[01:44:33] allows me I make sure that I do something for myself
[01:44:37] because that's important because if I
[01:44:39] because that's important because if I start overgiving then it's it's is it's
[01:44:43] start overgiving then it's it's is it's not going to feel harmony. I I I go for
[01:44:46] not going to feel harmony. I I I go for harmony. I go for harmony. I go for my
[01:44:49] harmony. I go for harmony. I go for my heart to be light as a feather and my
[01:44:51] heart to be light as a feather and my mind to be light so that I'm not
[01:44:53] mind to be light so that I'm not carrying things. That's the real
[01:44:55] carrying things. That's the real self-love care, right? And what self
[01:44:59] self-love care, right? And what self love care equals mental wealth.
[01:45:08] And you get to define what that looks
[01:45:09] And you get to define what that looks like for you. I'll I'll break it down in
[01:45:12] like for you. I'll I'll break it down in in another at another day and time.
[01:45:15] in another at another day and time. Actually, when you come to the sacred
[01:45:17] Actually, when you come to the sacred reset,
[01:45:19] reset, August 18th is dropping. However, if you
[01:45:22] August 18th is dropping. However, if you take early access and act on it now, you
[01:45:26] take early access and act on it now, you get a ton of
[01:45:31] get a ton of one- on-one opportunities with me. One
[01:45:33] one- on-one opportunities with me. One of them being the week before
[01:45:36] of them being the week before we have a private session.
[01:45:40] we have a private session. Um,
[01:45:42] Um, it's the full-blown power
[01:45:45] it's the full-blown power and presence
[01:45:47] and presence deep dive.
[01:45:50] deep dive. We talk about your power and getting
[01:45:52] We talk about your power and getting present and what that looks like and you
[01:45:53] present and what that looks like and you just you get to go ham in there. So, I'm
[01:45:58] just you get to go ham in there. So, I'm on this call today. If if you know that
[01:46:02] on this call today. If if you know that you're in and you want to you want to do
[01:46:04] you're in and you want to you want to do it, you register today. you get act you
[01:46:07] it, you register today. you get act you get in that that early uh early access
[01:46:11] get in that that early uh early access pass for that.
[01:46:13] pass for that. Okay. And it's 90 minutes. So, it's some
[01:46:17] Okay. And it's 90 minutes. So, it's some good good going on in there. And um
[01:46:22] good good going on in there. And um and then when I lay down at night when I
[01:46:25] and then when I lay down at night when I when I go to my do my sacred rest and
[01:46:27] when I go to my do my sacred rest and sometimes it's morning cuz I've been on
[01:46:30] sometimes it's morning cuz I've been on one like this yesterday
[01:46:33] one like this yesterday part one had me
[01:46:36] part one had me had me in a high like I was
[01:46:42] I was activated y'all and I didn't go to
[01:46:46] I was activated y'all and I didn't go to bed till 5:00 a.m. I want to be waking
[01:46:48] bed till 5:00 a.m. I want to be waking up at 5:00 a.m. and I haven't been
[01:46:51] up at 5:00 a.m. and I haven't been asleep since I woke up at 8. Three hours
[01:46:55] asleep since I woke up at 8. Three hours of sleep, y'all. And um so if you
[01:46:58] of sleep, y'all. And um so if you waiting on something for me, that's why.
[01:47:00] waiting on something for me, that's why. Today was a day filled with medical
[01:47:01] Today was a day filled with medical appointments and um things that were
[01:47:04] appointments and um things that were already on the calendar that I couldn't
[01:47:06] already on the calendar that I couldn't move. And but when we're done tonight,
[01:47:08] move. And but when we're done tonight, I'm going to bed, get good rest, all of
[01:47:10] I'm going to bed, get good rest, all of that, and go make it to the dentist on
[01:47:12] that, and go make it to the dentist on time.
[01:47:14] time. And uh
[01:47:17] And uh but when I lay my head down at night, I
[01:47:20] but when I lay my head down at night, I give thanks for the day.
[01:47:23] give thanks for the day. I process the day
[01:47:26] I process the day so that I can release it.
[01:47:30] I have a um an an an evening prayer and
[01:47:34] I have a um an an an evening prayer and I'll share it with you and I brought it
[01:47:36] I'll share it with you and I brought it for some from somebody but it but it it
[01:47:39] for some from somebody but it but it it resonated. It was like this is for me to
[01:47:41] resonated. It was like this is for me to this is for me to hold and I um for me
[01:47:45] this is for me to hold and I um for me to hold until it until it ain't no more.
[01:47:48] to hold until it until it ain't no more. But I'm going to share it so that if it
[01:47:49] But I'm going to share it so that if it will help you and set you free by all
[01:47:53] will help you and set you free by all means I use the Echo app to hold my
[01:47:56] means I use the Echo app to hold my prayers.
[01:48:04] Echo off
[01:48:08] Echo off my um the show Alexa.
[01:48:11] my um the show Alexa. She's a echo. So she heard me say echo.
[01:48:13] She's a echo. So she heard me say echo. So she activated. So my affirmations
[01:48:16] So she activated. So my affirmations before bedtime.
[01:48:18] before bedtime. I release today
[01:48:21] I release today and I call back my energy. I bless and
[01:48:24] and I call back my energy. I bless and release any pain,
[01:48:27] release any pain, anything that does not serve me, my
[01:48:30] anything that does not serve me, my greatest good in my life. I welcome a
[01:48:34] greatest good in my life. I welcome a restful sleep and easily receive
[01:48:37] restful sleep and easily receive messages from the divine in my dreams. I
[01:48:40] messages from the divine in my dreams. I now welcome peace as I rest my body and
[01:48:44] now welcome peace as I rest my body and I recharge my energy and soul. I am
[01:48:47] I recharge my energy and soul. I am always safe and protected. A.
[01:48:52] always safe and protected. A. So that's what self-care love looks like
[01:48:55] So that's what self-care love looks like for me. Like like like
[01:48:58] for me. Like like like letting this day be this day and not
[01:49:01] letting this day be this day and not carrying it into the next day unless
[01:49:04] carrying it into the next day unless it's required. I get to decide if I want
[01:49:06] it's required. I get to decide if I want to take something into the next day so
[01:49:09] to take something into the next day so that I'm I'm able to receive each day
[01:49:11] that I'm I'm able to receive each day for what it is and not have any level of
[01:49:15] for what it is and not have any level of false expectations cuz it cuz stuff can
[01:49:18] false expectations cuz it cuz stuff can be even even if I put it on the calendar
[01:49:20] be even even if I put it on the calendar doesn't mean it can't change. I've been
[01:49:22] doesn't mean it can't change. I've been old. So, so a good example of what self
[01:49:25] old. So, so a good example of what self self-love care looks like, I have bowel
[01:49:28] self-love care looks like, I have bowel and bladder issues and sometimes when
[01:49:30] and bladder issues and sometimes when it's time for me to get ready for an
[01:49:32] it's time for me to get ready for an appointment and things like that, I
[01:49:33] appointment and things like that, I can't get out of the house because I get
[01:49:35] can't get out of the house because I get stuck in this cycle of being in the
[01:49:36] stuck in this cycle of being in the bathroom and sometimes I've had an
[01:49:39] bathroom and sometimes I've had an accident or whatever and then this this
[01:49:42] accident or whatever and then this this angst starts to set in and then I'm I
[01:49:46] angst starts to set in and then I'm I start running behind and I'm going to be
[01:49:48] start running behind and I'm going to be late for the appointment even though I
[01:49:50] late for the appointment even though I started out early and I put in my mind
[01:49:52] started out early and I put in my mind that I'm leaving at this time, but my
[01:49:53] that I'm leaving at this time, but my body didn't say it otherwise, right?
[01:49:57] body didn't say it otherwise, right? And what I would do is I would rush to
[01:50:00] And what I would do is I would rush to still make that appointment.
[01:50:04] still make that appointment. And now I don't do that. I just call
[01:50:08] And now I don't do that. I just call and I will either reschedu or they will
[01:50:11] and I will either reschedu or they will allow me to be late. And I get okay with
[01:50:14] allow me to be late. And I get okay with that. That happened three days this past
[01:50:17] that. That happened three days this past week. Just yesterday. No, was it today?
[01:50:20] week. Just yesterday. No, was it today? Yesterday. Yesterday. That's why my
[01:50:23] Yesterday. Yesterday. That's why my dentist appointment is tomorrow because
[01:50:26] dentist appointment is tomorrow because it was supposed to happen. Well, maybe
[01:50:28] it was supposed to happen. Well, maybe it did happen today.
[01:50:30] it did happen today. Yeah, it was supposed to be today and
[01:50:32] Yeah, it was supposed to be today and yesterday. I had two that I moved. I
[01:50:34] yesterday. I had two that I moved. I moved one the next week. Um I had two
[01:50:38] moved one the next week. Um I had two dentist appointment. Both of them. Yep.
[01:50:40] dentist appointment. Both of them. Yep. That's what happened. And the one that
[01:50:42] That's what happened. And the one that was on there today, it was too close to
[01:50:46] was on there today, it was too close to something else. and I just called and
[01:50:48] something else. and I just called and said, "Am I gonna be late or um can we
[01:50:52] said, "Am I gonna be late or um can we reschedu?" And every time that I've done
[01:50:56] reschedu?" And every time that I've done that, they've made room for me um to
[01:50:59] that, they've made room for me um to reschedu and it's not way far out. So,
[01:51:03] reschedu and it's not way far out. So, I'm getting my needs met.
[01:51:07] I'm getting my needs met. I ask for what I need. I ask for help
[01:51:11] I ask for what I need. I ask for help because I want to be supported. and and
[01:51:14] because I want to be supported. and and that's determined and what that looks
[01:51:16] that's determined and what that looks like for you.
[01:51:21] It's there for you.
[01:51:24] It's there for you. You just got to ask. And when I realize
[01:51:26] You just got to ask. And when I realize that more often than not, rarely do I
[01:51:29] that more often than not, rarely do I hear no or no, because everything is is
[01:51:34] hear no or no, because everything is is is a conversation. When when when I'm
[01:51:37] is a conversation. When when when I'm clear about what I want and what I
[01:51:39] clear about what I want and what I desire, then somebody is clear is clear
[01:51:42] desire, then somebody is clear is clear to be able to give me an answer,
[01:51:45] to be able to give me an answer, make a decision, and I'm okay. I can
[01:51:47] make a decision, and I'm okay. I can accept no,
[01:51:50] accept no, unless I decide not to.
[01:51:54] unless I decide not to. And if I'm deciding not to accept no,
[01:51:57] And if I'm deciding not to accept no, that means you're just not the person to
[01:51:59] that means you're just not the person to give me what I need. It's I'm supposed
[01:52:01] give me what I need. It's I'm supposed to get it somewhere else.
[01:52:05] That's that's that's how I know God is
[01:52:07] That's that's that's how I know God is real and be speaking cuz God be like,
[01:52:11] real and be speaking cuz God be like, "Yep, no, that wasn't it." Cuz you
[01:52:13] "Yep, no, that wasn't it." Cuz you supposed to be over here. Oh, okay. Yes,
[01:52:16] supposed to be over here. Oh, okay. Yes, ma'am.
[01:52:17] ma'am. Check.
[01:52:20] Check. I got it. But your guy might teach talk
[01:52:22] I got it. But your guy might teach talk to you a whole different way, right? You
[01:52:25] to you a whole different way, right? You You got to know. You got to get in
[01:52:26] You got to know. You got to get in relationship with your guide to see how
[01:52:29] relationship with your guide to see how your God and your guides show up. Like
[01:52:32] your God and your guides show up. Like one of my guys I know is my husband. I
[01:52:35] one of my guys I know is my husband. I thought he had had band abandoned me and
[01:52:37] thought he had had band abandoned me and then I learned once all of that noise
[01:52:39] then I learned once all of that noise stopped and all of that crazy. He's been
[01:52:41] stopped and all of that crazy. He's been here the whole time. He's never left me
[01:52:45] here the whole time. He's never left me in the flesh. But he been in my heart
[01:52:48] in the flesh. But he been in my heart every time. Every time I call upon him,
[01:52:51] every time. Every time I call upon him, he shows up.
[01:52:54] he shows up. I love that for me. I've loved that for
[01:52:57] I love that for me. I've loved that for me. And I love that he loved me still.
[01:53:02] me. And I love that he loved me still. from what? From the grave, as some might
[01:53:05] from what? From the grave, as some might say.
[01:53:07] say. His spirit still lives. And I know it
[01:53:10] His spirit still lives. And I know it did. When he died, and I'mma close a
[01:53:12] did. When he died, and I'mma close a loop on that because I don't think I
[01:53:14] loop on that because I don't think I talked about that. When he died, that
[01:53:17] talked about that. When he died, that was one of the first things that I was
[01:53:19] was one of the first things that I was able to accept
[01:53:21] able to accept cuz I was a mess. Like, I cried for
[01:53:27] cuz I was a mess. Like, I cried for for months.
[01:53:29] for months. Um me and my father-in-law couldn't even
[01:53:31] Um me and my father-in-law couldn't even be in the same room. We would cry every
[01:53:32] be in the same room. We would cry every time we would see each other because the
[01:53:34] time we would see each other because the pain was so great. And one day
[01:53:40] pain was so great. And one day spirit told me his work here is done.
[01:53:46] spirit told me his work here is done. And I
[01:53:49] And I I said okay.
[01:53:51] I said okay. It made sense to me because he was such
[01:53:54] It made sense to me because he was such a great human.
[01:53:57] a great human. I liked him more than I loved him.
[01:54:02] I liked him more than I loved him. I liked him as a person so much. Even
[01:54:07] I liked him as a person so much. Even when I was mad or feeling away,
[01:54:11] when I was mad or feeling away, I still liked him. Even mad at him, I
[01:54:13] I still liked him. Even mad at him, I liked him. You know what I mean? It was
[01:54:15] liked him. You know what I mean? It was just it it it was just something.
[01:54:19] just it it it was just something. Yeah.
[01:54:21] Yeah. And so hopefully
[01:54:25] And so hopefully uh
[01:54:27] uh I answered that right what self-love
[01:54:29] I answered that right what self-love care looks like for me. And there's so
[01:54:31] care looks like for me. And there's so because there's so many there's so many
[01:54:33] because there's so many there's so many like we'd be here all day if I I tell
[01:54:35] like we'd be here all day if I I tell you all of them but I think I gave you
[01:54:37] you all of them but I think I gave you some of the some of the big ones. Um
[01:54:41] some of the some of the big ones. Um what part of my story still brings tears
[01:54:45] what part of my story still brings tears to my eyes?
[01:54:48] to my eyes? probably all of it. Ain't I've been
[01:54:50] probably all of it. Ain't I've been crying on here like crazy. Um, what part
[01:54:53] crying on here like crazy. Um, what part of my story still brings tears to my
[01:54:56] of my story still brings tears to my eyes?
[01:54:58] eyes? Hey girl, what part of your story still
[01:55:00] Hey girl, what part of your story still brings tears to your eyes?
[01:55:03] brings tears to your eyes? Um,
[01:55:19] probably this one because it just showed
[01:55:21] probably this one because it just showed up uh because I waited to get the answer
[01:55:29] when I was I was so raw I couldn't pray
[01:55:34] when I was I was so raw I couldn't pray for myself. I called my spiritual mother
[01:55:36] for myself. I called my spiritual mother Edith. She was on she was on yesterday
[01:55:40] Edith. She was on she was on yesterday and
[01:55:55] I'm kind of shaking. So, I think this is
[01:55:58] I'm kind of shaking. So, I think this is my speed of light. Spirit gave it to me,
[01:56:00] my speed of light. Spirit gave it to me, right? Um,
[01:56:03] right? Um, I couldn't pray for myself.
[01:56:07] I couldn't pray for myself. I had just gotten out of jail.
[01:56:11] I had just gotten out of jail. I think I I just I know I had been to
[01:56:14] I think I I just I know I had been to jail and I don't know how much time was
[01:56:15] jail and I don't know how much time was in between it, but I was so raw and
[01:56:18] in between it, but I was so raw and numb. And I called her and she prayed
[01:56:21] numb. And I called her and she prayed for me cuz I didn't I didn't have no
[01:56:24] for me cuz I didn't I didn't have no words like none.
[01:56:27] words like none. Like none.
[01:56:30] And um
[01:56:33] And um that that I had somebody that I could
[01:56:36] that that I had somebody that I could call and they would just pray for me.
[01:56:38] call and they would just pray for me. And when I tell you warning in the
[01:56:40] And when I tell you warning in the spirit, oh my god, cuz I couldn't I was
[01:56:45] spirit, oh my god, cuz I couldn't I was raw. It It was like my skin had been
[01:56:48] raw. It It was like my skin had been peeled off cuz that was the reality
[01:56:52] peeled off cuz that was the reality that
[01:56:53] that somebody that I was married to and that
[01:56:55] somebody that I was married to and that I love did something that allowed me to
[01:56:58] I love did something that allowed me to go to jail.
[01:57:02] And I was there for like 24 hours or
[01:57:05] And I was there for like 24 hours or something. And uh
[01:57:09] something. And uh so that
[01:57:12] and then we were in I' I've been in this
[01:57:15] and then we were in I' I've been in this Bible study group I believe it's going
[01:57:17] Bible study group I believe it's going on 16 17 years and um I think that's
[01:57:21] on 16 17 years and um I think that's right cuz we went to Cabo in 2023 I
[01:57:24] right cuz we went to Cabo in 2023 I believe and um
[01:57:30] I was raw this whole time and I'm I'm in
[01:57:34] I was raw this whole time and I'm I'm in the prayer group
[01:57:37] the prayer group and I don't know I don't know that I
[01:57:39] and I don't know I don't know that I said anything or anything at all and one
[01:57:43] said anything or anything at all and one day she said on that call
[01:57:48] day she said on that call God don't love you anymore today
[01:57:51] God don't love you anymore today than the day where you were born
[01:57:58] Jesus
[01:58:00] Jesus and it broke it it broke everything it
[01:58:03] and it broke it it broke everything it broke everything.
[01:58:06] broke everything. I was carrying so much guilt and shame
[01:58:10] I was carrying so much guilt and shame that I thought
[01:58:13] that I thought God didn't love me because I did all of
[01:58:16] God didn't love me because I did all of these things to compromise myself
[01:58:21] these things to compromise myself that God has stopped talking to me. My
[01:58:22] that God has stopped talking to me. My God has stopped talking to me. I
[01:58:24] God has stopped talking to me. I couldn't I couldn't hear God's voice
[01:58:26] couldn't I couldn't hear God's voice anymore.
[01:58:27] anymore. So, I was carrying guilt and shame about
[01:58:30] So, I was carrying guilt and shame about that. I was ashamed
[01:58:35] and I forgave myself. That was what was
[01:58:40] and I forgave myself. That was what was hard. Maybe that was one of those
[01:58:42] hard. Maybe that was one of those questions. It was forgiving myself was
[01:58:44] questions. It was forgiving myself was the hardest thing I ever done
[01:58:48] the hardest thing I ever done was forgiving myself.
[01:58:51] was forgiving myself. But I was able to truly let go and
[01:58:53] But I was able to truly let go and forgive myself.
[01:58:56] forgive myself. I'm good.
[01:58:58] I'm good. Can't can't can't nothing
[01:59:01] Can't can't can't nothing can't nothing take me out.
[01:59:04] can't nothing take me out. Nothing
[01:59:06] Nothing unless unless unless that's was meant to
[01:59:09] unless unless unless that's was meant to happen. And I believe that I am divinely
[01:59:13] happen. And I believe that I am divinely covered and protected and I got a
[01:59:15] covered and protected and I got a mission and I I was called to do it and
[01:59:18] mission and I I was called to do it and it's going down over here. And and you
[01:59:21] it's going down over here. And and you all that are in my path that I am called
[01:59:24] all that are in my path that I am called to serve are part of it to help me bring
[01:59:27] to serve are part of it to help me bring it to pass.
[01:59:29] it to pass. Yes.
[01:59:33] Those two those two parts of my story
[01:59:38] Those two those two parts of my story bring me to tears.
[01:59:40] bring me to tears. Oh, and one more.
[01:59:48] When I was in that jail, I didn't call
[01:59:50] When I was in that jail, I didn't call anybody. I called the bellsman. I didn't
[01:59:53] anybody. I called the bellsman. I didn't call my family. I didn't tell nobody. He
[01:59:55] call my family. I didn't tell nobody. He called them. He called my son.
[01:59:59] called them. He called my son. And of course, you know, my son told
[02:00:01] And of course, you know, my son told told the family.
[02:00:03] told the family. My son got on the plane to come get me.
[02:00:08] My son got on the plane to come get me. And I didn't know this when I came out
[02:00:10] And I didn't know this when I came out of that door cuz I had already called
[02:00:12] of that door cuz I had already called and paid my paid my bail and all of the
[02:00:16] and paid my paid my bail and all of the things.
[02:00:18] things. I walked out of that door
[02:00:21] I walked out of that door and my child was sitting there waiting
[02:00:23] and my child was sitting there waiting on me.
[02:00:26] on me. Oh my god.
[02:00:40] that
[02:00:42] that that
[02:00:47] and I also learned my my brother was
[02:00:49] and I also learned my my brother was called into jail giving him hell.
[02:00:54] Like one thing I know, my family will
[02:00:56] Like one thing I know, my family will show the [ __ ] up.
[02:01:03] We fight with each other and everything,
[02:01:05] We fight with each other and everything, but they show up and I show up. I don't
[02:01:09] but they show up and I show up. I don't know how not to show up. And my baby
[02:01:11] know how not to show up. And my baby don't know how to not to show up. And
[02:01:14] don't know how to not to show up. And I'm grateful for that.
[02:01:20] Oh Lord.
[02:01:24] All right, I'm gonna need a moment. We
[02:01:26] All right, I'm gonna need a moment. We need a moment.
[02:01:33] That still brings me to tears. Those
[02:01:36] That still brings me to tears. Those things.
[02:01:42] Yeah.
[02:01:44] Yeah. Oh my god. Okay, we're on the last
[02:01:47] Oh my god. Okay, we're on the last question.
[02:01:50] question. What does it feel like to finally take
[02:01:52] What does it feel like to finally take up space?
[02:01:54] up space? It feels expansive. It feels amazing. It
[02:01:56] It feels expansive. It feels amazing. It feels warm. It feels kind. It feels like
[02:01:59] feels warm. It feels kind. It feels like energized. It feels freeing. It feels
[02:02:05] energized. It feels freeing. It feels limitless.
[02:02:08] limitless. Feels limitless.
[02:02:11] Feels limitless. It feels exciting.
[02:02:15] It feels exciting. It feels fun. It feels joyous.
[02:02:19] It feels fun. It feels joyous. It feels playful. I feel like I let my
[02:02:22] It feels playful. I feel like I let my inner my young my younger self out all
[02:02:25] inner my young my younger self out all the time. My inner girl, the little
[02:02:27] the time. My inner girl, the little little girl in me, the teenager in me,
[02:02:31] little girl in me, the teenager in me, you know, all of me. Like all of me. It
[02:02:35] you know, all of me. Like all of me. It it it feels
[02:02:37] it it feels it feels like
[02:02:44] it feels like the world is mine.
[02:02:47] it feels like the world is mine. whatever I desire from it. Um,
[02:02:54] it doesn't feel scary.
[02:03:00] Let me tell you what it doesn't feel
[02:03:02] Let me tell you what it doesn't feel like because
[02:03:04] like because um I I feel like Miss Denise needs to
[02:03:07] um I I feel like Miss Denise needs to know that.
[02:03:10] It might
[02:03:13] It might be a old habit that it that it that it's
[02:03:16] be a old habit that it that it that it's scary that's making making you feel like
[02:03:19] scary that's making making you feel like that. But the more that you do it and
[02:03:22] that. But the more that you do it and take up space, you will not release it
[02:03:27] take up space, you will not release it cuz it is good. is golden. It's it's
[02:03:31] cuz it is good. is golden. It's it's it's all that over here.
[02:03:36] Like
[02:03:38] Like it's um
[02:03:42] it's walking in a room and knowing
[02:03:46] it's walking in a room and knowing that you are meant to be in that room.
[02:03:50] that you are meant to be in that room. It's
[02:03:52] It's it's like it's easy like Sunday morning.
[02:03:57] Yeah. It's it's all the things that make
[02:04:00] Yeah. It's it's all the things that make you feel good and warm inside
[02:04:03] you feel good and warm inside and
[02:04:05] and loved. It's love. It feels like love to
[02:04:09] loved. It's love. It feels like love to me. What I feel like love uh would feel
[02:04:12] me. What I feel like love uh would feel like. Um
[02:04:17] yeah, taking up space is taking up space
[02:04:21] yeah, taking up space is taking up space like knowing that you're you're meant to
[02:04:23] like knowing that you're you're meant to be here. knowing what what what you need
[02:04:26] be here. knowing what what what you need to do, doing what you want to do.
[02:04:30] to do, doing what you want to do. It's it's it's so many things. It's not
[02:04:34] It's it's it's so many things. It's not just one thing. It feels like
[02:04:39] it feels like
[02:04:42] it feels like you know like hanging out with your best
[02:04:44] you know like hanging out with your best friend and that and and like like like
[02:04:47] friend and that and and like like like you're get like like they that person
[02:04:49] you're get like like they that person gets you like it feels like your person
[02:04:53] gets you like it feels like your person you know people be be like that I found
[02:04:55] you know people be be like that I found my person right I got lots of persons I
[02:04:59] my person right I got lots of persons I have more than one person I know that
[02:05:03] have more than one person I know that because different people in my life
[02:05:06] because different people in my life serve different purposes.
[02:05:10] I'm comfortable with that and they're
[02:05:12] I'm comfortable with that and they're comfortable with that because it's it it
[02:05:14] comfortable with that because it's it it it's a false belief
[02:05:16] it's a false belief that one person can be everything to a
[02:05:20] that one person can be everything to a person.
[02:05:22] person. No, that's not how this works. We're
[02:05:26] No, that's not how this works. We're meant to be in community and it takes
[02:05:28] meant to be in community and it takes the whole village and the tribe
[02:05:32] the whole village and the tribe to be able to do that.
[02:05:36] put that on wax,
[02:05:39] put that on wax, right? A lot lot of lot of un un you
[02:05:43] right? A lot lot of lot of un un you know just releasing stuff that's not
[02:05:46] know just releasing stuff that's not yours. Somebody said that but that ain't
[02:05:49] yours. Somebody said that but that ain't true. It maybe it's true for you. Might
[02:05:52] true. It maybe it's true for you. Might be what's keeping you in bondage.
[02:05:55] be what's keeping you in bondage. All right, we got through it y'all. I
[02:05:59] All right, we got through it y'all. I don't know how much time I done taken up
[02:06:01] don't know how much time I done taken up on here. Hopefully
[02:06:04] on here. Hopefully you you find value in that.
[02:06:09] you you find value in that. If if this part of my story hits your
[02:06:13] If if this part of my story hits your spirit, it is not by accident. You were
[02:06:17] spirit, it is not by accident. You were meant to hear it. Know that. All right?
[02:06:21] meant to hear it. Know that. All right? Because we've been unpacking, getting
[02:06:23] Because we've been unpacking, getting comfortable, and you stayed. You stayed
[02:06:25] comfortable, and you stayed. You stayed to the end. You stayed for the good
[02:06:28] to the end. You stayed for the good part, right? You're not behind. I want
[02:06:30] part, right? You're not behind. I want you to know that you're just next like
[02:06:35] you to know that you're just next like the next right thing for you. Step into
[02:06:39] the next right thing for you. Step into your own power and presence cuz the door
[02:06:41] your own power and presence cuz the door is fully open. I didn't crack it wide
[02:06:43] is fully open. I didn't crack it wide open. I'm calling you in, right? Calling
[02:06:47] open. I'm calling you in, right? Calling you in to
[02:06:50] you in to schedule a call with me so that we can
[02:06:53] schedule a call with me so that we can have a conversation
[02:06:55] have a conversation and get you some clarity.
[02:06:58] and get you some clarity. It allows you to experience what it's
[02:07:00] It allows you to experience what it's like um
[02:07:04] like um to be in a safe space with me
[02:07:09] to be in a safe space with me and and really be seen, be heard, be
[02:07:13] and and really be seen, be heard, be witnessed and and and and just get you a
[02:07:16] witnessed and and and and just get you a little step further. Just we take one
[02:07:18] little step further. Just we take one step at a time. Okay.
[02:07:21] step at a time. Okay. So that's call today. I want you to like
[02:07:24] So that's call today. I want you to like and subscribe.
[02:07:26] and subscribe. Need to get my subscriber count up, too,
[02:07:28] Need to get my subscriber count up, too, because I got people out here to say to
[02:07:30] because I got people out here to say to serve, to teach, to teach, to fish, to
[02:07:33] serve, to teach, to teach, to fish, to fish
[02:07:35] fish and learn how to get their [ __ ]
[02:07:37] and learn how to get their [ __ ] together, to learn their [ __ ] S hi T.
[02:07:40] together, to learn their [ __ ] S hi T. And I want y'all drop me uh drop me a
[02:07:43] And I want y'all drop me uh drop me a heart if you listen to this. Let me know
[02:07:45] heart if you listen to this. Let me know you stayed to the end. Let me know what
[02:07:47] you stayed to the end. Let me know what resonated with you. What was your what
[02:07:49] resonated with you. What was your what was your one of your takeaways? One,
[02:07:52] was your one of your takeaways? One, two, three. Maybe sometimes people be
[02:07:54] two, three. Maybe sometimes people be having a whole list cuz it'll be a lot
[02:07:55] having a whole list cuz it'll be a lot going on in these conversations, right?
[02:07:58] going on in these conversations, right? I'm here for it all. I appreciate it. Um
[02:08:01] I'm here for it all. I appreciate it. Um if if if you so choose, we can get on a
[02:08:04] if if if you so choose, we can get on a call. My schedule things are on the
[02:08:07] call. My schedule things are on the calendar. That's so if you can find a
[02:08:10] calendar. That's so if you can find a spot, we we're going to connect, okay?
[02:08:13] spot, we we're going to connect, okay? And then and it's free. It's free. My
[02:08:16] And then and it's free. It's free. My free 15 minute sessions. Okay. It's
[02:08:19] free 15 minute sessions. Okay. It's going to say 30 minutes. The coaching or
[02:08:22] going to say 30 minutes. The coaching or whatever the conversation is takes about
[02:08:24] whatever the conversation is takes about 15 minutes and then we we walk through
[02:08:27] 15 minutes and then we we walk through the followup. What what happens next?
[02:08:30] the followup. What what happens next? Okay. And then
[02:08:34] Okay. And then yeah, let's do that.
[02:08:37] yeah, let's do that. I look forward to it. I hope I hope me
[02:08:42] I look forward to it. I hope I hope me sharing
[02:08:43] sharing allows you to be able to do the same to
[02:08:46] allows you to be able to do the same to to see yourself and to know that you
[02:08:49] to see yourself and to know that you don't have to walk this journey alone.
[02:08:52] don't have to walk this journey alone. To know that there's somebody out there
[02:08:53] To know that there's somebody out there to teach you that has lived it. I ain't
[02:08:56] to teach you that has lived it. I ain't get it out no book.
[02:08:58] get it out no book. I had some books that I read along the
[02:09:00] I had some books that I read along the way that helped resonate to move me
[02:09:02] way that helped resonate to move me forward. I have one for you. Um, five
[02:09:06] forward. I have one for you. Um, five effective ways to make a decision. Yeah.
[02:09:10] effective ways to make a decision. Yeah. Um, and and and I got to do my part in
[02:09:13] Um, and and and I got to do my part in in you knowing that and sharing that
[02:09:15] in you knowing that and sharing that with you or you wouldn't know,
[02:09:19] with you or you wouldn't know, right?
[02:09:22] right? Let me check and see if anyone is here.
[02:09:25] Let me check and see if anyone is here. I don't want to leave anyone out because
[02:09:28] I don't want to leave anyone out because I know I know you girl. I know you up
[02:09:31] I know I know you girl. I know you up late.
[02:09:34] I know you listening. That's why I'm on
[02:09:36] I know you listening. That's why I'm on YouTube.
[02:09:38] YouTube. We get to go deep.
[02:09:40] We get to go deep. Okay.
[02:09:42] Okay. All right. I guess two hours is my is my
[02:09:45] All right. I guess two hours is my is my mark. All right. Well, until tomorrow
[02:09:49] mark. All right. Well, until tomorrow for part three.
[02:09:52] for part three. Let me give you a little sneak peek. Let
[02:09:53] Let me give you a little sneak peek. Let me see what my question my question
[02:09:56] me see what my question my question sheet says.
[02:10:00] calling her in the offer and the woman
[02:10:04] calling her in the offer and the woman it's for.
[02:10:06] it's for. All right, part three. Stay tuned. We
[02:10:09] All right, part three. Stay tuned. We going to go deep about Miss Denise. Miss
[02:10:12] going to go deep about Miss Denise. Miss I Got time for everything except myself.
[02:10:16] I Got time for everything except myself. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
[02:10:20] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All right, y'all. Well, this has just
[02:10:22] All right, y'all. Well, this has just been beautiful and yummy for me. It I
[02:10:25] been beautiful and yummy for me. It I ain't even tired or sleepy.
[02:10:27] ain't even tired or sleepy. I'm get my water in. I got to finish
[02:10:29] I'm get my water in. I got to finish drinking my water before I go to sleep.
[02:10:32] drinking my water before I go to sleep. And uh I committed to drinking three of
[02:10:34] And uh I committed to drinking three of these today.
[02:10:37] these today. So far, I only made one and a half. So,
[02:10:39] So far, I only made one and a half. So, that's got to have at least that to meet
[02:10:41] that's got to have at least that to meet my goal.
[02:10:44] my goal. I fasted today because I had to do blood
[02:10:46] I fasted today because I had to do blood work and all of that. So, yeah. But I'm
[02:10:49] work and all of that. So, yeah. But I'm not going to hold you.
[02:10:51] not going to hold you. I love you.
[02:10:54] I love you. I want you to take good care of you.
[02:10:57] I want you to take good care of you. I'll be on tomorrow. So, more than
[02:11:00] I'll be on tomorrow. So, more than likely in the evening. I didn't get that
[02:11:02] likely in the evening. I didn't get that far to see what's on the calendar yet. I
[02:11:05] far to see what's on the calendar yet. I do that before I go to bed so I can, you
[02:11:07] do that before I go to bed so I can, you know, call it in what the Lord what the
[02:11:09] know, call it in what the Lord what the Lord has there. All right. So, thank you
[02:11:14] Lord has there. All right. So, thank you and I'll see you tomorrow.
[02:11:16] and I'll see you tomorrow. Take good care of you and good night.
[02:11:18] Take good care of you and good night. Rest peacefully and rise gracefully.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkBruKn_1Ow

Summary

TL;DR — The speaker reflects on the profound cost of becoming her authentic self, emphasizing that healing is an ongoing process rather than a destination. She shares that a core truth she had to face was her lack of acceptance, both of herself and others, which led her to compromise her own well-being and disconnect from her inner voice.

Key points

• The journey to healing requires facing difficult truths, particularly the lack of self-acceptance and the tendency to live in the past or future instead of the present.

• True healing involves accepting what is, even when it's not what was expected, and learning to trust one's own inner knowing.

• The speaker highlights the importance of self-love and self-care, defining them through the acronym S.H.I.E.L.D. (Self-love, Healing, Identity, Time, Freedom).

• She emphasizes that personal happiness is a responsibility, not something to be found in external validation or relationships.

• The process of becoming her authentic self involved significant personal sacrifice, including years of not living her own life and battling internal struggles.

• Taking up space is described as an expansive, freeing, and joyous experience that allows one to live authentically and without regret.

Takeaway — True healing and self-discovery come from radical self-acceptance, embracing the present moment, and taking responsibility for one's own happiness and well-being.