# 1-2-3 Magic Full VIdeo (Managing Difficult Behavior in Children Ages 2-12)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTcjf6corIQ

[00:01] living with children can be one of life's most rewarding experiences.
[00:07] kids can provide their parents with warmth affection fun and excitement.
[00:13] but raising kids is not for the faint of heart.
[00:16] kids can also fight with each other after you've had a long day.
[00:20] talk in the classroom instead of listening to the teacher.
[00:23] Badger you when you're on the phone and trying to get your work done and throw ferocious Tantrums when they don't get what they want.
[00:29] want that's the way our house was in the morning.
[00:36] this video program 1 2 3 magic managing children's difficult Behavior will help parents and teachers deal gently and fairly with the obnoxious behavior of young children.
[00:47] the program will also teach you how to recognize and manage the six kinds of testing and manipulation.
[00:55] since the first Workshop in 1984 123 Magic has helped millions of parents and teachers enjoy their
[01:00] children more this award-winning and bestselling program is presented by Dr Thomas W faen a clinical psychologist.
[01:09] with over 25 years of experience working with Children and Families.
[01:14] my response to the program was very positive.
[01:17] it worked like magic.
[01:17] now here's Dr Fam.
[01:30] well thank you very much and thank you for coming.
[01:31] I've talked to hundreds and probably thousands of parents over the years and I ask them what kind of kids do you want.
[01:38] and they most mostly say about the same thing.
[01:40] they say I want kids who listen and kids I can enjoy.
[01:44] and that's what our program is about today.
[01:46] the one 123 is a how to-do it program.
[01:48] it's a down toe program.
[01:50] we're not going to talk about Child Development.
[01:52] we're not going to talk about uh philosophy of child rearing abstract subjects.
[01:56] we're going to talk about how do you get the kids to listen.
[01:57] the one two3 program now appears in two videos in our video today.
[02:03] one two3 magic we're going to talk about how to manage and deal with obnoxious and difficult behavior and also how to recognize and manage testing and manipulation in more 123 Magic.
[02:16] we're going to talk about encouraging good behavior Independence and self-esteem.
[02:21] you'll find a one 123 Magic program works.
[02:23] teachers tell me it makes discipline a whole lot less exhausting and I have more time for instruction.
[02:28] parents tell me it gets the discipline stuff out of the way and I have more time to enjoy my kids.
[02:32] I have more time to spend with my kids uh we can have a good time.
[02:35] you'll find that the one 123 classroom or home is uh simple but it's not easy.
[02:41] the simple part of the program has to do with the the basic structure of the program.
[02:46] nothing could be much simpler.
[02:48] when I was in graduate school they taught us all kind of things we could do in parenting programs when we got out of school and I found that we had all these neat ideas but nobody was doing them.
[02:56] and part of the problem was that they were too complex.
[02:59] parents are busy teachers are busy you have to have something that they can relate to and
[03:05] use so it's a simple program but it's not easy.
[03:07] now the not easy part has to do with the fact that if you're going to discipline a child you need to do two things.
[03:14] one is you need to know what to do in any one G given situation and second you need to exercise a good deal of Behavioral and emotional self-control.
[03:23] this is the age of kind of let it all hang out you know express your feelings.
[03:27] is that true if you're a parent or a teacher.
[03:29] it's half true when you're feeling positively toward a child affectionate liking them and all that let it all hang out you're not going to do anything harmful.
[03:38] it's when we parents and teachers are irritated with kids that we are dangerous.
[03:42] that's where we need control and that's what the one 123 tries to provide.
[03:46] now if you agree with what I'm going to present here uh today you can go home and start immediately.
[03:54] if you're a teacher you can start in midy year uh if you would like.
[03:56] if you do start immediately you will find that things will change right off the bat but there's good news and bad news the good
[04:06] news is this about half of the kids represented by you as parents here today will be what we call Immediate Cooperators.
[04:12] that means they'll they'll cooperate immediately.
[04:14] what do you do you just relax and enjoy it that's the good news.
[04:18] bad news is the other half of the kids are going to be what we call Immediate testers.
[04:21] they're going to get worse they're going to push you they're going to give you a hard time they're going to see if you're really serious with this new program.
[04:29] you're going to regret that you ever showed up here today but if you stick with it you can usually get them shaped up in about 7 to 10 days.
[04:36] teachers in a classroom will not get so much initial testing and manipulation which we'll talk about a little bit uh more but if you start immediately and I encourage you to do that otherwise you may never do it.
[04:48] some kids cooperate right away some kids give you a hard time.
[04:50] people ask me some of the time did you use this with your own two kids or did you just learn it in graduate school.
[04:55] well I sort of told you before I did not learn it in graduate school.
[04:57] my wife and I do have two children they're older now uh my son the oldest was a handful in fact he and he
[05:06] was three and 3/4 handfuls U he was very very active we considered naming this program The Art of self-defense at one point but we didn't uh my daughter uh 22 months his uh junior uh was a much more mild-mannered soul but the two of them together biggest problem sibling rivalry and I'm sure a lot of you have that problem as well but our kids are graduates of the one 123 program that's the way my wife and I uh raised them.
[05:34] good parenting and good teaching begin with straight thinking.
[05:39] you'll never learn to manage your kids sensibly if your head is full of mistaken Notions.
[05:44] raising children is a tough job and Wishful Thinking will get you nowhere.
[05:51] there are two things that we have to get straight the first is this when you have a problem with a child it is going to come in one of two forms generally speaking either number one the kid is doing something that you want him to stop okay some difficult or obnoxious
[06:07] behavior you want them to quit it or number two the child is not doing something good that you want them to start.
[06:13] so we call these two things stop behavior and start Behavior.
[06:18] it's a little awkward but it helps you remember it.
[06:19] our goal today is to deal with stop behavior in the video more one 123 Magic will deal with start Behavior.
[06:28] so what is stop Behavior.
[06:30] stop Behavior things like arguing yelling whining fighting screaming teasing sibling rivalry temper tantrums all the frequent but minor things the kids do during the course of the day.
[06:40] each one isn't so bad but a steady diet of it by 5:00 in the afternoon you want a hitchhike to Seattle and never return home again.
[06:48] and we've all had days like that now with stop behavior all that stuff.
[06:54] here's the simple thing about the 123 you're going to use the tactic called Counting and that's the first thing I will explain to you.
[07:02] so when it comes to minor obnoxious behavior not major obnoxious behavior poking your sister in the eye knocking a golf ball through your neighbor's picture window on
[07:08] purpose stealing lying we use the major minor system with that but this minor stuff arguing yelling whining you're going to count it.
[07:14] I saw a book recently it was called winning the whining War.
[07:19] Now let me tell you you do not need a book about whining.
[07:21] You're going to count whining and it'll work very well in more 1 123 Magic.
[07:25] We'll have seven tactics that you can use for start behavior.
[07:31] So two different kinds of problems basically.
[07:32] The other thing we have to get straight is this.
[07:34] Most of us I know it's true my wife and myself when when we start out as parents and teachers we start out with a false assumption about kids.
[07:44] It's kind of like a um almost a false hope in our minds or wish that kids would be a certain way and this false assumption causes a lot of trouble.
[07:51] It causes a lot of talking that doesn't do any good causes a lot of arguing that doesn't do any good and it causes a lot of worse things than that that don't do any good uh either.
[07:59] The false assumption about kids that I'm talking about we call the little adult assumption.
[08:05] It's the idea that kids are just shorter than.
[08:10] than us but basically they have hearts of gold and they're reasonable and unselfish.
[08:18] the kid's acting up and you explain to him why you shouldn't act up.
[08:23] he looks at you and says I never thought that way before.
[08:26] sure that makes sense.
[08:30] I'll clean my room right now.
[08:33] I agree with your point of view.
[08:36] I'll never ever tease my brother again.
[08:40] I appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me.
[08:45] you have a seven-year-old son.
[08:47] he's constantly torturing his four-year-old younger sister.
[08:48] what should you do.
[08:51] well if he's a little adult you sit him down.
[08:53] you calmly look him in the eye and you explain to him the three golden reasons why he shouldn't torture his little sister.
[08:59] number one it hurts her.
[09:02] number two it makes you mad at him.
[09:04] and number three how would he feel if somebody treated him like that.
[09:06] if the kid is a little adult what his reaction will be.
[09:09] what
[09:11] slap himself upside the face stagger back a few paces.
[09:12] he'll look at you and say gee I never looked at it like that before.
[09:18] and then he will stop teasing her for the rest of his life I can tell.
[09:21] those of you who are laughing are real parents with real kids you you know kids are not like that.
[09:26] one writer years ago she said I don't remember her name she said childhood is a period of transitory psychosis.
[09:34] some of you know what that means.
[09:35] it means your kids when they're little are basically nuts.
[09:40] and whose job is it to make them sane.
[09:43] it's your job to make them sane and the teacher's job to make them sane.
[09:47] but let's face facts kids don't come out reasonable and unselfish.
[09:48] they come out selfish and unreasonable and it's our job to train them to be different.
[09:53] but if we believe in this little adult idea what are we going to do.
[09:55] we going to use and overuse words and reasons in dealing with our kids.
[10:03] you're not going to believe this I'm a clinical psychologist.
[10:05] now psychologists are always talking about communication.
[10:07] this is the 21st
[10:11] century this is the age of communication.
[10:13] what you're going to hear today from a clinical psychologist in the 21st century is don't talk so much.
[10:19] what's wrong with talking too much?
[10:22] well I'll tell you two things now and I'll tell you several more later.
[10:25] one thing wrong with talking too much is what we call the water off a duck's back syndrome.
[10:30] you ever have the feeling you're talking and talking and talking kid it's like water off a duck's back it doesn't do any good.
[10:33] I had a mother call me this is true story 20 years ago a mother called me and she said Dr faen I want you to see my 10-year-old son.
[10:40] I said what's the problem?
[10:42] she said I think he's hard of hearing.
[10:47] the kid was not hard of hearing.
[10:49] the kid heard what he wanted to hear.
[10:52] a worse problem with talking too much is what we call the talk persuade argue yell hit syndrome and you can probably imagine what this is.
[10:58] kid's not doing what you want them to do and you read in the book talk it out talking's not working.
[11:04] now you're trying to persuade the child persuasion isn't working.
[11:08] now you're arguing with the kid arguing isn't working.
[11:09] now you're screaming at him screaming isn't working Wham you hit.
[11:13] him now I'm not suggesting that you're all going around hitting your kids but I will suggest seriously biggest cause of child abuse in this country physical child abuse not sexual but the biggest cause of physical child abuse is what the little adult assumption it's a parent who read in a book somewhere you got a three-year-old you got a problem just talk it out even if it takes 4 hours everything will fall into place.
[11:35] now it's 4 and a half 5 hours parent beats child you would be surprised maybe some of you wouldn't how much physical child abuse starts with an innocent attempt to talk to a kid at the wrong time so we've got to replace this little adult idea with something else.
[11:49] what I'm going to suggest is going to sound a little strange and I admit it's a little bit of what I call cognitive shock value.
[11:58] so what I'm about to say to you you can take with a grain of salt but it goes like this rather than thinking of your kids as little adults think of yourself as a wild animal trainer.
[12:10] now don't take offense don't start throwing stuff at me.
[12:14] I'm not trying to insult your kids.
[12:16] Remember I had two of my own and I'll guarantee you there were days when I thought God put two little beasts on Earth with no other goal than to drive me out of my mind.
[12:26] They enjoy the job and they're very good at it and I'm sure you've had days like that too.
[12:30] But what does a wild animal trainer do?
[12:32] Wild animal trainer chooses a method and repeats it until the trainy does what he wants him to do.
[12:39] My job today is to present a method to you.
[12:41] If you choose, you don't have to.
[12:43] If you choose, you repeat it until the traines the kid, the kids do what you want them to do.
[12:46] And fortunately, it does not take that uh long.
[12:48] There are too many parents these days in the United States kind of afraid of their kids.
[12:54] You know, they don't know exactly what they're supposed to be doing with them.
[12:57] And so in a situation where they're going to discipline them, they explain and explain and explain and explain.
[13:04] You notice a wild animal trainer doesn't do that.
[13:06] They pick a method, it's gental, it's not abusive, it's largely non-verbal uh, and they repeat it until the traine does what they want them to do.
[13:13] So what is the
[13:15] wild animal trainer model first thing.
[13:17] I'm going to tell you is what it is not.
[13:20] two biggest mistakes we make parents and teachers in dealing with kids.
[13:22] too much talking and too much emotion.
[13:25] too much talking we just talk about but we're going to come back to it.
[13:28] the too much emotion goes like this.
[13:30] what's wrong with getting too excited?
[13:31] well little kids when they're little have a strong sense of being inferior.
[13:37] and the reason they feel they're inferior is because they are inferior.
[13:43] they are shorter than everybody else less privileged less powerful less impact on the world and it bugs them.
[13:50] and you watch your kids you know that it bugs them.
[13:52] watch your 2-year-olds.
[13:53] they want to be like your 5-year-olds.
[13:54] 5-year-olds want to be like your 10-year-olds.
[13:56] 10-year-olds want to be like you.
[13:58] they want to drive cars and use credit cards.
[14:02] you know they want to have an impact on on the world.
[14:04] so you can see a kid go down to a lake or something take rocks you know throw them in the water.
[14:08] they can do that for hours because why.
[14:10] they're making the big splash.
[14:11] you say what does this have to do with home what.
[14:16] this has to do with home is if this little kid can get big old you all upset and yakity yakity Yak The Big Splash is you and the inferior part of the child will be gratified by his or her power.
[14:30] does this mean they're sick no.
[14:32] does it mean they're going to grow up to be professional criminals no.
[14:33] it's just part of being a natural a kid but what it does mean is that if you have a child and they're doing something that you don't like go ahead and get upset about it on a regular basis and sure enough what they'll repeat it for you.
[14:47] I have parents coming in all the time they say Dr Fen this kids drive me nuts so well give me an example last night doc we're eating dinner he's we have mashed potatoes he's eating them with his fingers out of the bowl this drives me crazy why does he do it.
[14:59] and I say you may have just answered your own question in he may do it in part because it drives you crazy.
[15:06] so throughout the program we talk about what we refer to as our no talking no emotion rules really it's very little talking and very little emotion because we're all human too much talking too much emotion will blow any discipline.
[15:17] program there's other discipline programs some of them are pretty good.
[15:20] I may be prejudiced I think this one's the best.
[15:23] you can ruin any of them by too much talking and too much emotion and the emotion is usually anger or frustration.
[15:30] now you know what to think and perhaps more important what not to think about.
[15:34] kids and about parenting your children are going to be grown up and out of the house sooner than you think.
[15:39] you want your time with them to be fulfilling and enjoyable.
[15:44] today that means having fun with your kids praising them and listening to them.
[15:51] it also means managing kids difficult behavior effectively.
[15:54] Dr faen now explains how to accomplish that step step by step.
[16:00] it works and it's easier than you think.
[16:04] okay said before we're going to talk about how do you get the kids to listen.
[16:07] so let's get down to the Brass tax here and talk about how do you get the kids to listen.
[16:10] what I'm going to talk about first is what we call the one two three.
[16:14] okay this is our just basic counting procedure and let me tell you.
[16:18] Two things about it. One, what are you going to count?
[16:20] You're going to count stop behavior, minor obnoxious behavior.
[16:23] Is countable, arguing, yelling, whining, fighting, teasing, scream screaming, sibling rivalry, all that kind of stuff.
[16:26] You're going to count.
[16:29] Second thing I want to tell you before I get into it is if you're not familiar with the 123.
[16:31] I know some of you are, you may be back here for a refresher course.
[16:35] If you're not familiar with the 123, when you first hear about it, you're going to be skeptical.
[16:37] Uh, you're GNA, you're not going to believe it.
[16:40] Some people say it's too simple.
[16:42] Some people say, no, it's not going to work with my kid.
[16:47] And some people come up to me and they say, it's not can work with my kid, my kid is a wild man.
[16:51] Actually, I sort of enjoy it when they say this because I look back at them and I say, well, I'll tell you something, my kid was a wild man too.
[16:55] And if you want to have a wild man contest, my kid will have yours for lunch.
[17:00] And it worked with mine, so why don't you try it?
[17:02] You know, people go home, they try it, they say, I can't believe it, it worked like magic.
[17:04] That's where we got the uh title, even though there's no.
[17:20] claim to Magic at all but if you feel a little skeptical don't worry about it uh go home try it uh see what happens all right.
[17:27] let's imagine that you have a four-year-old some of you do not have to imagine that you have a four-year-old.
[17:33] how many four-year-olds do we have represented in this group okay Point that's a lot of four-year-olds.
[17:37] if I had a four-year-old at my age I would be dead in three days so I give you credit for having a four-year-old.
[17:44] you got a four-year-old this kid 6 o00 at night total nuclear Holocaust on your kitchen floor he is enraged because you in your Hardness of Heart would not give him a bag of Fritos right before dinner.
[17:57] kid is thrown him down s down on the floor he's banging his head he's biting his arm he's kicking your new kitchen cabinets he's screaming bloody murder you can hear it all the way down the block and you're at a loss for what to do.
[18:07] you think what should I do what should I do.
[18:10] pediatrician told you to ignore it you say to yourself I don't think I could stand that.
[18:17] your mother told you to put a cold washcloth on his
[18:23] face I I I think that's an old Italian Remedy or something.
[18:29] and your husband told you to beat the hell out of him.
[18:35] none of these are acceptable Alternatives.
[18:38] instead what you do is you hold up one finger you look down at the little devil and you say that's one.
[18:44] he doesn't care he's out of his mind with rage he he keeps screaming yelling banging temper tantrum continues Full Force.
[18:50] 5 Seconds go by you hold up two fingers you say that's two.
[18:54] it's all you say same lousy reaction five more seconds go by you hold up three fingers you say that's three take five.
[19:00] now what does all this mean.
[19:02] it means that the child had two warnings to shape up.
[19:07] those are the first two counts and in this instance he blew it he did not Shape Up.
[19:11] So at three there's a consequence rest period timeout timeout Alternatives we'll talk about those later.
[19:18] so the child goes to timeout some of you are wondering how do I get him.
[19:25] there and when he comes back from timeout.
[19:27] and and you won't believe this when he comes back from time out no.
[19:29] talking no emotion no lectures no.
[19:31] apologies no discussions no nothing.
[19:33] unless it's absolutely necessary and it usually is not.
[19:35] you do not say to the kid for example now are you going to be a good boy.
[19:37] do you realize what you've been doing to your mother all afternoon.
[19:40] why do we have to go through this all the time.
[19:42] I'm so sick and tired of this I could scream.
[19:45] your sister never behaves this way.
[19:48] your father's coming home in a half an hour.
[19:50] did God put you on Earth to drive me crazyer.
[19:51] tempting as that may be you don't say anything at all.
[19:53] kid's good you enjoy it.
[19:55] kid XS up again you say that's one.
[19:56] that's the one two three that's the simple part.
[19:57] what's going to happen in a relatively short period of time is you'll start getting a good response at one or two.
[20:01] and I will promise you right now the first time you stop a fight between two of your kids across 15 ft of family room.
[20:26] and all you got to do is say that's one
[20:27] or that's two and you don't have to get
[20:29] up and yell or scream or do something
[20:31] else you're going to be sorry for later
[20:33] first time you do that you're going to
[20:35] feel real
[20:37] good some people say my kid always takes
[20:39] me to two don't you think he's
[20:41] manipulating
[20:42] me and my answer is no I don't think the
[20:45] kids manipulating you I was taking you
[20:46] to two why because what used to drive me
[20:48] crazy was
[20:52] 42 I'll give him the two cuz the three
[20:55] is going to get the X some people say
[20:57] what if the kid does something so bad I
[20:58] don't want to give them three chances to
[20:59] do it it's a good question for example
[21:01] if your kid hits you your kids can't hit
[21:03] you kid hits you you're not going to say
[21:05] that's
[21:10] one that'd be pretty silly you say
[21:12] that's three take five add 15 more for
[21:14] the seriousness of the offense kid goes
[21:16] to school he's seven years old he learns
[21:18] a bad word he doesn't know what it means
[21:20] but he wants to try it out on you that
[21:22] night you say to him he's on the couch
[21:23] did you please turn off TV get ready for
[21:25] bed and he says you blankety
[21:29] blank hey what do you do that's three
[21:32] take five add 15 more for the rotten
[21:36] mouth and then he's going to go and when
[21:38] this kid comes back from timeout this is
[21:42] an example when an explanation is in
[21:44] order when this child comes back you are
[21:46] going to take some time and briefly
[21:48] explain to him what that word means and
[21:50] why he's not going to use it in your
[21:52] house how long do you take in between
[21:54] counts you remember seconds 5 Seconds
[21:57] that's right and why 5 Seconds because
[21:59] there's a difference between stop and
[22:00] start Behavior start Behavior like
[22:03] homework or going to bed uh you know
[22:05] getting up and out in the morning could
[22:07] take 15 minutes it could take 45 minutes
[22:09] it takes a long time but stop Behavior
[22:12] how long does it take a child to
[22:14] terminate a temper tantrum one second
[22:17] how long does it take a boy to stop
[22:18] teasing his sister one second we give
[22:20] him five that's being very generous but
[22:23] kids are just kids so you wouldn't say
[22:24] to a little child 5 years old that's one
[22:27] at 9:00 in the morning that's two at
[22:28] 3:30 that's 3 Take 5 at 7:15 at night
[22:32] they won't remember the sequence so we
[22:35] have what we call our window of
[22:36] opportunity and you know with a
[22:38] six-year-old you might pick a half hour
[22:40] and you say if you do three things
[22:42] within a half hour I'll count you up to
[22:43] three if you do one thing 45 minutes
[22:45] goes by and then you do something else
[22:48] um uh you'll go back to one and there's
[22:51] very few kids that get so manipulative
[22:52] that they'll you know do one thing look
[22:54] at our watch and they say well 45
[22:56] minutes is up I get a free one I can do
[22:58] whatever I
[23:00] want so what's going to happen basically
[23:03] is you'll start getting a good response
[23:04] at 1 or two if you do it correctly now
[23:08] what I've told you is a simple part of
[23:10] the one two three let's talk about the
[23:12] hard part the not easy part I've had
[23:14] parents come back to me at different
[23:15] times and they say you know Dr F we went
[23:17] to your seminar and we enjoyed it and uh
[23:19] uh we started you know using the
[23:21] counting with our kids uh and it worked
[23:24] it worked we were very surprised but
[23:25] that was 6 weeks ago it's not working
[23:28] anymore
[23:29] I don't know if it's us if it's the air
[23:31] in the house if it's the dog if it's the
[23:32] kid whatever it is not working anymore
[23:34] we we need a new discipline system if I
[23:37] have a chance to talk to these people
[23:38] which I don't always if I have a chance
[23:40] to talk to these people what's the
[23:42] problem the problem is they are
[23:44] violating those two basic rules 90% of
[23:47] the time not all the time 90% of the
[23:49] time they're violating those two basic
[23:51] rules to no talking no emotion rules and
[23:54] I'm going to try and give you an example
[23:56] of how these parents do it uh they they
[23:58] think they're doing the one two three
[24:00] but they're really not let's go back to
[24:01] the four-year-old on the floor having
[24:03] the Royal temper tantrum kicking yelling
[24:05] screaming and all this this is how these
[24:08] parents think they're doing the one two
[24:09] three they hold up one finger like this
[24:10] it's a good start they look down at the
[24:13] child and they go that's
[24:15] one come on I'm getting a sick and tired
[24:17] this keep this up you're going to wind
[24:18] up in your room look at me when I'm
[24:20] talking to you young man that's two one
[24:21] more and you're up there pal one more
[24:23] baby one more read my lips one more
[24:25] that's Street take five get out of here
[24:27] I never want to see you
[24:31] again what was that that was a parental
[24:34] temper
[24:35] tantrum and now we've got two Tantrums
[24:38] going in the same
[24:40] kitchen what's wrong with doing it like
[24:42] that well there are several we've
[24:43] studied this for years there are several
[24:45] things wrong with doing it like that
[24:46] number one you want to talk to a kid
[24:48] like that did you have did you have a
[24:49] bad day at work you know you want to
[24:50] talk to a kid like that I think a
[24:52] translation of what you're saying is
[24:54] let's fight I think that's what you're
[24:57] really saying number two what's wrong
[25:00] with doing it like that how's the kid
[25:02] supposed to find the warnings or the
[25:04] counts they're buried in all this verbal
[25:06] garbage the most important part of what
[25:08] you're saying is the one the two and the
[25:11] three but the third thing wrong with
[25:13] that and I think the worst part of it is
[25:15] you talk to a child like that what you
[25:17] are doing on the spot is taking away
[25:19] from that child his or her own
[25:21] responsibility for their own behavior
[25:24] because what you're really saying now is
[25:26] you don't have to behave unless I can
[25:28] give you you two three four or five good
[25:30] reasons why and G whiz I certainly hope
[25:34] you agree with my reasons this isn't
[25:36] discipline anymore there's another word
[25:38] for this starts with a letter B this is
[25:40] called
[25:41] begging what's the average kid going to
[25:43] do they're going to take issue with your
[25:45] reasons Julie doesn't always behave on a
[25:47] first try daddy's not coming home in a
[25:49] half an hour now you have left the
[25:51] discipline ballpark you are out on the
[25:52] street arguing with the kid what's the
[25:54] issue is the child behaving or not is
[25:57] the issue
[25:59] so to do it right that's
[26:02] one button the lip that's two nothing
[26:05] else is said otherwise it doesn't
[26:08] work let's take a look at our famous
[26:10] Twinkie example this will give you a
[26:12] better feel for how the one two three
[26:13] works and this is a situation that you
[26:15] have been through I'll guarantee you it
[26:16] may not have been a Twinkie but it might
[26:18] have been some other kind of food and
[26:20] here's the here's the deal uh it's qu to
[26:22] 6 at night you're in the kitchen making
[26:24] dinner and uh you're going to eat in 15
[26:27] minutes you have eight and a
[26:28] half-year-old daughter and she comes
[26:30] down into the kitchen she says can I
[26:31] have a Twinkie you say no dear she says
[26:35] why not you say because we're eating
[26:36] dinner in 15 minutes now is there
[26:38] anything wrong with this conversation
[26:40] not a thing perfectly clear and she
[26:42] asked a question straightforward
[26:44] question straightforward answer what's
[26:45] the problem problem is most kids aren't
[26:47] going to drop it and she looks at you
[26:49] and she says yeah but I want
[26:54] one so what are you going to do we're
[26:57] going to play this scene through through
[26:58] three different ways in scene one we
[27:01] will have starring for us a parent who
[27:03] believes in the little adult assumption
[27:06] kids are little adults we can talk the
[27:07] whole thing out and everything will be
[27:08] just fine then in scenes two and three
[27:11] you'll see the parent will start using
[27:13] the one two three in the beginning and
[27:15] then in scene three after the kids used
[27:17] to it after a while okay but scene one
[27:19] is the parent who believes a kid's a
[27:21] little adult words and reasons solve the
[27:23] whole thing here's how it
[27:26] goes can have a Twinkie no dear why not
[27:30] because we're going to eat in about 15
[27:31] minutes oh come on I really want one I
[27:35] just told you you couldn't have one I
[27:37] never get anything what do you mean you
[27:39] never get anything are you wearing
[27:40] clothes is there a roof over your head
[27:42] am I not about to feed you in 2 seconds
[27:45] you gave Scott one a half hour ago are
[27:48] you your brother besides he always
[27:50] finishes his dinner I promise I'll eat
[27:52] my dinner don't give me this promise
[27:54] promise promise garbage Kelsey yesterday
[27:57] at 4 30 you had half a sandwich and then
[27:59] you didn't touch your dinner fine then I
[28:02] won't eat any dinner don't you threaten
[28:04] me young lady you will eat what I tell
[28:06] you to eat then I'm going to kill myself
[28:09] and then run away from home well fine be
[28:11] my guest I'm sick of
[28:14] this well family peace and Tranquility
[28:16] are down the tubes in this house so the
[28:18] parent gets smart says enough of this
[28:20] enough of this I'm going to start the
[28:22] one two 3 one two 3 scene two the 1 two
[28:25] 3 counting in the beginning the kid's
[28:27] not quite used to it as a is it going to
[28:30] go can I have a Twinkie no dear why not
[28:34] we're going to eat in about 15 minutes
[28:36] oh come on I really want one that's one
[28:39] I never get anything that's two then I'm
[28:42] going to kill myself and then I'm going
[28:43] to run away from home that's three take
[28:47] 10 what hits them right between the eyes
[28:50] when you first do it is number one
[28:51] you're the boss number two you have a
[28:54] perfect right to impose this discipline
[28:56] on them even if they don't like it but
[28:58] notice you're doing it gently this is
[29:00] the essence of gentle uh but firm but
[29:03] what really hits them between the eyes
[29:04] is they soon realize that no longer can
[29:06] they bait you that's B AI t as in
[29:11] fishing fishing for what large mouth
[29:17] bass no longer can they bait you into a
[29:20] stupid idiotic argument over a stupid
[29:22] Twinkie Scene Three the one two three
[29:26] after a while after the child's used to
[29:27] it
[29:28] can I have a Twinkie no dear why not
[29:31] because we're going to eat dinner in
[29:32] about 15 minutes oh come on I want one
[29:35] that's one oh all
[29:38] right you don't have to count the all
[29:40] right cuz it's not so bad the kids
[29:42] leaving the scene of the crimes she just
[29:43] grumbling a little bit you know the
[29:45] whole thing is done if she said oh all
[29:47] right you stupid jerk that's three take
[29:49] five add 15 more for the rotten
[29:53] mouth what's good about the one two3 one
[29:57] explanation you're going to say save so
[29:58] much breath you won't believe it tell
[30:00] you teachers tell me discipline is so
[30:02] much less exhausting and I have more
[30:03] time for instruction parents tell me
[30:06] discipline is so much less exhausting I
[30:07] have more time to enjoy my kids one
[30:10] explanation and it usually is not
[30:14] necessary parents and books on parents
[30:16] parenting let me tell you overestimate
[30:19] dramatically the value and power of
[30:22] explanations to get compliance from
[30:26] kids when you talk too much you irritate
[30:28] a child and you distract them from what
[30:30] they're supposed to be doing but we're
[30:32] all very intellectually oriented and see
[30:35] if I just tell them the reason they'll
[30:36] look at me and say gee I never looked at
[30:38] it like that before and now happily go
[30:40] off and comply doesn't work like that
[30:42] let me give you an example of an
[30:44] explanation one that's necessary and one
[30:46] that's not let's say you got this little
[30:48] seven-year-old boy and he's in school
[30:50] and he's taking trampoline Okay and he
[30:52] loves trampoline I don't think they do
[30:53] this anymore but let's just pretend so
[30:55] this kid comes home seven-year-old son
[30:57] of yours and he's so excited about
[30:59] trampoline he walks in the living room
[31:00] door whips off his shoes he attacks the
[31:02] couch he's jumping up and down trying to
[31:04] do flips and all this you come in it's
[31:05] like whoa that's one he says what did I
[31:09] do well do we need an explanation yes
[31:12] you've never been through this before
[31:14] he's never been trampolining on your
[31:16] couch so you say to him well even though
[31:19] you took off your shoes which I which I
[31:20] appreciate uh I'm afraid you might hurt
[31:23] the couch or hurt yourself if you go
[31:24] doing that good
[31:26] explanation now two hours later same day
[31:30] same you same kid same house you in the
[31:33] kitchen talking to this boy's
[31:35] four-year-old younger sister and while
[31:37] you're talking to the little girl the
[31:39] seven-year-old boy walks around behind
[31:41] her and for no reason you know her bam
[31:42] gives her an elbow in the back and you
[31:44] say that's one he says what did I
[31:47] do that's two stupid
[31:51] question and you don't say stupid
[31:53] question
[31:58] well what are you going to say you just
[31:59] hit your sister in the back we have
[32:00] three Witnesses now you're out on the
[32:02] street
[32:02] [Laughter]
[32:04] arguing so one explanation if absolutely
[32:07] necessary and with sibling rivalry is
[32:09] one of the things where you rarely need
[32:10] an explanation even though sometimes
[32:12] kids will tell you I don't know what I
[32:13] did you hit their sister in the face I
[32:15] don't know what I did
[32:18] afterwards okay what's good about the
[32:20] one two
[32:20] three no talking no motion now this is
[32:24] hard for some people we could take all
[32:26] of us in this room and line us up in a
[32:28] line from the people who can button
[32:29] their lip easily to those who have to
[32:30] bite their lips bloody trying to be
[32:32] quiet uh some people are just natural
[32:34] talkers I saw a t-shirt not too long ago
[32:37] and on the T-shirt it said help me I'm
[32:38] talking and I can't
[32:41] stop and I immediately thought about 15
[32:43] people I could have bought this thing
[32:46] for some of you will have a hard time
[32:48] some not but a lot of people once they
[32:50] start using the one two three and you
[32:51] see the power of silence your silence
[32:53] speaks louder than your words you say
[32:55] that's one who's got the ball they do if
[32:57] you be quiet it works it works better uh
[33:01] and what also happen is you won't be as
[33:03] tired you just won't you get the
[33:05] discipline stuff done without a lot of
[33:07] this excess energy because you're not
[33:09] getting into talk persuade argue yell
[33:10] hit stuff and things like that another
[33:13] good thing about the 123 is that your
[33:15] Authority is not
[33:17] negotiable never negotiate your
[33:19] Authority when a rule is being enforced
[33:22] as the years go by though what do you
[33:24] want to do some people say you know this
[33:25] counting sounds kind of like a
[33:26] dictatorship guess what it
[33:29] is when the kids are little you know
[33:31] when the kids are five it it it should
[33:33] be a dictatorship pretty much at your
[33:35] house a nice one but as the kids get
[33:37] older it's dictatorship to almost
[33:40] democracy so when the kids are 17 years
[33:42] old and they're about ready to leave or
[33:44] 18 uh they have more say in the rules
[33:46] and policies that affect them but when
[33:48] it push comes to the shove who's paying
[33:50] the mortgage you are even at 17 who
[33:52] knows better than they do what's good
[33:53] for them you do and you have a right and
[33:56] a duty to impose it on them even if they
[33:58] don't like it we often forget that we
[34:01] think that we have to whatever we do
[34:02] with our kids they have to smile and
[34:03] happily accept it uh that's not the deal
[34:06] what's the root from dictatorship to
[34:08] democracy one route is the family
[34:10] meeting uh which we talk about in the
[34:13] more uh video you sit everybody down and
[34:15] you discuss the problems you're having
[34:17] living together give the kids some
[34:18] experience with negotiating with other
[34:20] family me Members which is a good
[34:22] preparation for marriage another thing
[34:25] that's good about the 123 is the punish
[34:28] is short and
[34:29] sweet now if we're using a timeout you
[34:32] don't have to use timeout we have
[34:33] timeout Alternatives but if you're using
[34:34] a timeout system the rule is usually one
[34:37] minute of timeout per year of the kid's
[34:39] life for timeout or a rest period two-y
[34:42] olds gets two two minutes 5y- old 5
[34:44] minutes 10 year old 10 minutes it's not
[34:45] a sacred rule but it's a general
[34:47] guideline that you can look to so the
[34:49] punishment is short and sweet we would
[34:53] um uh time out our kids for fighting say
[34:56] guys that's three take five for both of
[34:58] you when they're fighting then we'd say
[35:00] if you fight on the way up it's 10 cuz
[35:01] they had to go up same stairway and be
[35:02] going like this all the way
[35:04] up so they get a 10 they get a 10
[35:07] they're up there now now let's do a slow
[35:09] motion replay of the rest of this
[35:10] they're up there for 10 minutes they
[35:11] calm down they come back
[35:14] downstairs am I going to bring up
[35:16] sibling rivalry are you kidding you
[35:17] think I'm going to bring it I I want the
[35:19] kids to come out of timeout guilt-free
[35:21] we start all over all these people that
[35:23] tell you to talk you there are books
[35:25] that say you know when the kids in
[35:26] timeout what are they supposed to be
[35:27] doing
[35:28] with a firm purpose of amendment the
[35:30] child is reviewing his past
[35:36] actions and designing plans which can be
[35:39] implemented in the future to prevent the
[35:41] occurrence of similar
[35:43] behavior when the child comes down the
[35:45] parent then requests what is your plan
[35:47] for you know excuse me I'm the kid I'm
[35:50] aggravated by that kind of stuff uh I
[35:53] don't think that is uh helpful
[35:55] punishment is short and sweet I saw a
[35:56] family once their kids stole a bike now
[35:59] you can't use the one two three on that
[36:00] gets one bike you say that's
[36:05] one but what the parents did is they
[36:07] grounded this child for a year so when
[36:10] they came in my office they told me what
[36:11] they had done I said guys you know no
[36:12] offense but this is stupid uh you know
[36:15] who's going to who's going to implement
[36:16] it it's going to cause a war uh you need
[36:18] a bigger punishment but not something
[36:20] like that I saw a lady once and um she
[36:24] got mad at her 9-year-old daughter I
[36:26] don't know what it was the 9-year-old
[36:27] daughter done but this girl collected
[36:29] Cabbage Patch dolls which were popular
[36:31] at the time and this mom took one of the
[36:32] girls Cabbage Patch dolls you don't
[36:34] believe this put it in the sink and set
[36:36] fire to it isn't that incredible amazing
[36:39] punishment you want to punish your kids
[36:40] like that you're going to start a war
[36:42] one minute per year of your life we're
[36:43] not going to start any wars we'll talk
[36:45] about timeout Alternatives a little bit
[36:47] later the other thing about it is when
[36:49] the kids come back from
[36:50] timeout it's done they're friendly
[36:53] imagine you sense your boy up to uh uh
[36:57] timeout for something or
[36:59] other Jamal 's up you can come out
[37:07] now hey Dad look what I found in this
[37:11] book it's really cool let me see
[37:14] here wow what is this where's the
[37:18] resentment and anger it's gone it's done
[37:21] we had the discipline we made our Mark
[37:23] and we move on from there
[37:28] at this point you may still be a little
[37:30] skeptical after all you're trying to
[37:33] manage kids in the real world your home
[37:35] is real and your classroom is real so is
[37:38] one 123 Magic applicable to real kids in
[37:41] the real world you bet it is 123 Magic
[37:45] was not developed in an ivory Tower it
[37:48] was developed in the
[37:51] trenches parents have a lot of concerns
[37:54] and questions about the 123 and I'm sure
[37:57] you do right now and I'm going to try
[37:59] and respond to some of those I'm going
[38:00] to tell you some of the concerns that
[38:02] most frequently come up when we're
[38:04] trying to apply the one two three in the
[38:07] real world parents and teachers ask good
[38:09] questions because parents and teachers
[38:11] are currently attending the College of
[38:13] Hard
[38:14] Knocks and they know what's going on so
[38:17] one question often comes up is can you
[38:19] count different things in getting to
[38:21] three you say well what are you talking
[38:23] about well what we're talking about is
[38:25] you don't have to have a different count
[38:28] for each different kind of misbehavior
[38:30] it would drive you crazy well he's on a
[38:32] one for teasing the dog he's on a two
[38:34] for getting into it with his sister he's
[38:35] on a one for yelling at me he's on a two
[38:37] for something else you go nuts so you
[38:39] know he teases a dog that's one yells at
[38:42] you for counting him for teasing the dog
[38:43] that's two throws a block across the
[38:45] room that's three take five mom could
[38:47] say that's one Dad could say that's two
[38:49] Mom or Dad could say that's three take
[38:50] five fact we encourage it to share the
[38:53] joy of the one 123
[38:58] if you're in a classroom situation
[38:59] teacher and there's an aid teacher could
[39:01] say that's one Aid could say that's two
[39:03] you get the idea can you ever ignore
[39:05] anything the answer is yes but in the
[39:07] beginning when in doubt count be
[39:09] aggressive in the beginning but not
[39:11] picky do not overpar you could drive the
[39:13] kids crazy with the accounting It's very
[39:15] effective but it tends to be a little
[39:17] addictive and overall what do you want
[39:19] you want your positive feedback to your
[39:21] kids to be more frequent than your
[39:23] negative and account is a negative so
[39:25] what are you going to do you need the
[39:26] praise you need the AC of listening you
[39:27] need the shared fun uh to be
[39:29] overwhelming in frequency the counting
[39:32] that you are doing but once you've been
[39:34] on a rule with accounting for a while
[39:36] maybe six weeks or so you might
[39:38] experiment with ignoring something so
[39:40] say you got your little Bobby you know
[39:42] and and Bobby tends to get a little
[39:43] aggressive with other kids some of the
[39:45] time and so he's got a friend over and
[39:47] they're both playing and he pushes this
[39:49] other kid right in front of you you know
[39:51] don't say anything for just a couple
[39:53] seconds and watch your son they can kind
[39:56] of feel the count
[40:01] coming and many of them will
[40:03] spontaneously self-control and stop the
[40:06] negative behavior on their own without
[40:08] you having to intervene this good yes
[40:10] now we're getting somewhere why because
[40:12] the child is internalizing the values
[40:14] he's internalizing the system isn't that
[40:16] the kind of boy or girl you want to drop
[40:19] off when they're 18 years old in mome at
[40:23] Western Illinois University okay a boy
[40:26] or girl who can self control without
[40:28] mommy or daddy being there to keep an
[40:30] eye on
[40:31] them how do you keep track who's on
[40:34] first if you have a lot of kids if you
[40:36] have two kids it's not so bad teachers
[40:39] have been very creative in coming up
[40:40] with uh ways and what we're looking at
[40:44] here is a teacher Behavior stoplight a
[40:47] behavior stoplight has a green yellow
[40:50] and red and you can have these signify
[40:53] three two and one or the counts so
[40:56] teachers who we're looking at has green
[40:59] has all these clothes pins on it and
[41:00] what's on these clothes pins is the name
[41:02] of a child so if this child gets a count
[41:05] they got to move their clothes pin up to
[41:07] yellow and then up to
[41:09] Red so this is actually a two-count
[41:11] system this teacher using some teachers
[41:13] use three count systems you can do all
[41:15] kind of stuff you can have three um uh
[41:18] pop containers with popsicle sticks and
[41:19] the kids names are written on them and
[41:21] the containers are different colors
[41:23] there's a lot of different alternatives
[41:25] for keeping track some teachers just
[41:26] write it down some parents write it down
[41:28] because if you don't if you're a teacher
[41:30] and you don't write down who's going to
[41:31] tell you your kids will tell you oh no
[41:34] Mrs Smith he's not on a one he's on a
[41:35] two you
[41:40] know what kind of consequences can you
[41:42] use you know timeout gets bandied about
[41:44] and a lot of people think they know a
[41:45] lot about timeout uh it's it's a a
[41:48] favorite Topic in newspapers TV and
[41:50] stuff like that and you get kind of a
[41:52] negative impression of it timeouts work
[41:54] very well if you do them correctly and
[41:55] we're talking about how to do them
[41:57] correctly timeout or arrest period we
[41:59] also have timeout Alternatives where
[42:01] instead of giving a child timeout to the
[42:03] room or something like that they may
[42:04] lose 20 cents off their allowance their
[42:06] bedtime may be 15 minutes earlier they
[42:08] lose their computer time for the night
[42:10] it can be a whole lot of different
[42:12] things but small things that make their
[42:14] Mark that are not horribly punitive as I
[42:16] mentioned before that register with the
[42:18] child the most important thing in a
[42:20] consequence being effective is that the
[42:21] parent administering the consequence not
[42:24] be having a temper tantrum while they're
[42:26] administering it you'll see in some
[42:28] books it says Punishment No it's not
[42:29] good with kids punishment is not good
[42:31] yes it is mild punishment by a
[42:33] non-abusive parent
[42:36] Works what about the timeout place if
[42:38] you're using a timeout does it have to
[42:40] be the child's room answer of course not
[42:43] uh it could be a chair it could be a rug
[42:46] in a in a classroom some Kindergarten
[42:48] Gardens have a you know timeout rug and
[42:49] they would go sit on that uh it could be
[42:52] a lot of a lot of different things here
[42:54] we see a little girl imagine a little
[42:55] girl and she's got a timeout in the
[42:57] kitchen on a chair at the table just
[42:59] sitting there like this very unhappy
[43:02] about the whole thing fine good place
[43:04] for a timeout if kids are going to use
[43:07] um a a chair or a a rug or something
[43:11] like that the provision of course is
[43:13] that they have to stay in it and it's
[43:15] amazing you know some kids will some
[43:16] kids won't some really difficult kids
[43:19] will sit in that chair I've seen
[43:20] two-year-olds they're just wild children
[43:23] and they'll sit in that chair and then
[43:25] other ones of course will be getting up
[43:27] all the time will this cause the child
[43:29] to hate their room if they're timed out
[43:30] to the room the answer is no not if you
[43:32] do it correctly what does correctly mean
[43:35] no abuse no talking no emotion no abuse
[43:38] you you know shake the kid squeeze them
[43:41] hit him say I wish you'd never been born
[43:43] then throw them in a room they're going
[43:44] to hate the room they're going to hate
[43:46] you too it's also going to hurt their
[43:47] self-esteem you do it like that the
[43:49] message basically from the one to you
[43:51] three is I say to you that's one what
[43:52] does that mean I'm your parent you're my
[43:54] child I love you my job is to train you
[43:57] when you do this I do
[44:01] that what if the kid won't go you're
[44:03] doing a timeout system and the child
[44:04] won't go well it depends on how big they
[44:06] are let's start with the small one first
[44:09] let's say you have a 5-year-old boy and
[44:12] he weighs 45 pounds and let's say you
[44:14] weigh um 125 PBS and this 5-year-old you
[44:18] say that's three take five and the kid's
[44:20] not going what do you do this is no time
[44:23] for little adult stuff you know come on
[44:24] now why can't you do this for us when we
[44:26] do stuff for you all the time your
[44:27] sister El goes on the first try etc etc
[44:29] etc none of that stuff you just start
[44:31] moving toward the child some of them
[44:33] will stay two feet ahead you all the way
[44:34] to the room that's fine that's fine some
[44:37] need to be escorted and escort could
[44:40] mean take them gently by the arm could
[44:42] mean pick them up could mean drag and
[44:46] carry
[44:47] them Kicking and Screaming that's them
[44:50] Kicking and Screaming not
[44:52] you and you deposit the unwilling body
[44:55] in the timeout room for the uh uh time
[44:57] out what if you have an older kid your
[45:00] 5-year-old who was 45 lbs now is 10
[45:02] weighs 95 lbs you through a rather rigid
[45:06] regime of diet and exercise have
[45:08] maintained at 125 which would be
[45:12] excellent and you say that's three take
[45:15] 10 and this kid's not moving what are
[45:17] you going to do you're going to do a
[45:19] timeout alternative and it's going to go
[45:21] like this that's three take
[45:25] 10 or or that's 50 cents off of your
[45:28] allowance or bedtime is 20 minutes
[45:30] earlier tonight you
[45:34] pick but you turn around walk away why
[45:36] do you walk away because most kids are
[45:38] going to want to stick around and argue
[45:39] with you about how stupid the program is
[45:41] how stupid the guy who wrote the program
[45:42] must have been
[45:45] and and frankly I don't appreciate that
[45:48] kind of
[45:50] treatment what if the child won't stay
[45:52] in the room uh most kids will stay in
[45:54] the room our kids our kids will both
[45:56] stay in the room I my daughter would
[45:57] stay in the room with the door open my
[45:59] son would stay in the room with the door
[46:00] closed why because he always slammed it
[46:02] when he went up there for a
[46:03] timeout and you know he was tough tough
[46:05] kid and about every six months the frame
[46:08] on the dir would cave into the hallway
[46:10] and I would nail it back up during the
[46:12] course of his staying with us I nailed
[46:14] it back up probably half a dozen half a
[46:16] dozen times um but they would stay in
[46:18] the room if the kids don't some parents
[46:21] in the beginning when you're first doing
[46:22] the counting with little kids they stay
[46:24] up there by the door to make sure the
[46:25] kid stays in and gets the idea that they
[46:27] have to stay in some parents actually
[46:28] hold the door
[46:30] shut some parents make a believe this a
[46:34] Dutch door you know what a Dutch door is
[46:36] Dutch door is you saw the door in half
[46:39] and you lock the bottom and the top is
[46:40] open so the child can look out amazing I
[46:43] I've had a few parents do that and uh
[46:46] some parents put up a gate and it blocks
[46:48] the child getting out now if you know
[46:49] anything about Gates it doesn't take a
[46:51] very big kid to either knock it over or
[46:53] climb over it um older kids what you can
[46:57] do is uh you tell them five and older
[46:59] they can understand this if you don't
[47:01] stay in for the whole time you come out
[47:03] before your 5 minutes is up or whatever
[47:04] it is it hasn't started yet you got to
[47:06] go back in and start over and um uh some
[47:09] parents double the timeout um as as well
[47:13] there are also plastic doorknob covers
[47:14] that you can put on doors and there are
[47:16] locks now I always say to people in as a
[47:20] last resort you can lock the door if
[47:22] you're a foster parent you cannot uh
[47:24] certain provinces in Canada you cannot
[47:26] now some people get nervous about
[47:27] locking the door in fact I got a call
[47:29] once from the Department of Children and
[47:31] Family Services in Illinois they said Dr
[47:33] Fon we like your one two three magic
[47:35] program but there's part of it we can't
[47:37] use and I said what's that they said
[47:38] that's the part where you recommend
[47:39] locking the door they said that's child
[47:41] abuse and I said excuse me I know the
[47:44] R's on child abuse it is not child abuse
[47:47] and they said well they're real nice you
[47:49] know they said well we have parents who
[47:51] sometimes lock kids in the room for 5
[47:53] six hours just to get the kid out of
[47:54] their hair and I said well that has
[47:56] nothing to do with one 2 three magic so
[47:58] we talked it over and we came to a
[47:59] compromise between me and DCFS and it
[48:02] was like this if you feel you need to
[48:04] lock the child in the room because some
[48:06] of these kids are really wild it's got
[48:09] to be number one a last resort number
[48:11] two if you're worried about the child's
[48:12] safety make sure the room is safe we'll
[48:14] talk about this more later make sure the
[48:16] window is secured and stay outside the
[48:18] door while the kids's in there during
[48:20] the timeout but try not to let the child
[48:22] know that you are there and number three
[48:25] obviously no time outs more than the
[48:27] recommended time you don't stick the kid
[48:29] in there just to get U rid of them room
[48:33] recers most of you will not get room
[48:36] record it's a good news but we'd like
[48:39] you to be prepared for anything in this
[48:40] program so I'm going to tell you how to
[48:42] handle room records in fact I'll tell
[48:43] you the story of the worst room record
[48:45] we ever had in the program a kid the
[48:47] parents brought him in to see me he was
[48:49] eight or niney old boy turned out he was
[48:52] learning disabled and attention deficit
[48:54] disorder um nicest kid in the office
[48:56] which many of these kids are but at home
[48:58] he was running the house parents told me
[49:00] and said we're thinking of putting his
[49:01] name on the mailbox um CU it's not our
[49:05] house anymore they referred to him as
[49:07] King Louis the 14th um so I said well
[49:10] you know okay do you want to learn the
[49:11] one two three mom and dad said yes and
[49:14] they went home well these parents were
[49:16] amazing amazingly efficient uh they went
[49:19] home and they timed out King Louie for
[49:21] the first time he was so enraged how
[49:24] they got him to the room I have no idea
[49:26] he was so enraged he trashed the place
[49:28] what did he do the first thing he did
[49:30] was he emptied his dresser all the
[49:31] clothes came out through him all over
[49:32] the room then he really emptied the
[49:34] dresser of all the drawers threw them
[49:35] all over the room then he destroyed his
[49:38] bed mattress and box spring knocked onto
[49:40] the floor now he's off to the closet on
[49:42] the floor of the closet are shoes and
[49:43] toys he takes them Scoops them out into
[49:45] the room uh hanging stuff sails it one
[49:48] by one out into the room and finally he
[49:50] went over to the window tore down the
[49:52] curtains it's about it what else are you
[49:55] going to do these parents did not call
[49:57] me which is very unusual they handled
[50:00] the whole thing themselves and I have to
[50:02] tell you they came back in in 3 weeks
[50:04] and they taught me how to handle room
[50:05] record here's what they did first thing
[50:07] they did is they did not clean up the
[50:10] room and if you think about it for a
[50:12] second you can imagine why clean up the
[50:14] room I don't care who cleans up the room
[50:16] you're loading the kid's gun again he
[50:18] got a perfectly neat room to wreck and
[50:20] next time out he's going to wreck it and
[50:21] enjoy it just as much as he did the
[50:23] first
[50:24] time so they did not clean up the room
[50:28] second thing they did they continue to
[50:30] count this kid aggressively but fairly
[50:33] this kid's an Intimidator imagine you
[50:34] have a kid like this some some of you
[50:36] may have a kid like this and you go to
[50:37] work and you have a terrible day your
[50:39] boss chews you out you come home you got
[50:40] a migraine headache you walk in the door
[50:42] here's his
[50:47] kid before you know it he's on a two and
[50:50] then he hits something that should be a
[50:52] three but you're thinking oh no I don't
[50:54] feel like going through all this so what
[50:55] do you do two and a half 2 and 3/4 2 and
[51:00] 78 they did not do that they did three
[51:03] boom he's just back in there and he just
[51:05] rearranges the slop every time bedtime
[51:08] comes this kid has to find his pajamas
[51:10] they're buried he has to find his bed
[51:13] next day he's got to find his clothes
[51:15] for school how long did it take King
[51:17] Louie to realize there was New
[51:19] Management in the old
[51:22] maon about eight or nine days he started
[51:25] calming down and timeout and after he
[51:28] was Cal in timeout for um three or 4
[51:32] days they cleaned up the room with him
[51:34] because it was too much for anyone
[51:35] person to do and after that this kid was
[51:37] good as go stop monad with a count he
[51:40] hated to be
[51:41] counted and you know he just he wouldn't
[51:44] uh um question his parents about it at
[51:46] all now did we break this kid's spirit
[51:49] is he now a permanent
[51:51] marshmallow Eternal wimp no I think he's
[51:53] a nice kid and the parents are running
[51:55] the show and I think that's the way it
[51:57] should be if you think you're going to
[51:58] have a room record a couple of
[52:00] cautions number one if there's anything
[52:03] dangerous or harmful in there get it out
[52:05] before the first time out if there's a
[52:07] hammer and a saw in there for example
[52:09] get them out before the first time
[52:12] out second if there is anything valuable
[52:15] in there get it out before the first
[52:18] time out my wife came up to me after
[52:20] we'd been doing the counting for
[52:21] probably six weeks one day and she came
[52:23] up and she had been crying and I said
[52:25] what's the matter and and she said do
[52:27] you know that when we time out our son
[52:29] to his room that he is smashing the
[52:31] World War II airplane set that he had
[52:35] worked so hard to build he had about 14
[52:37] airplanes World War II airplanes that he
[52:39] had made on his dresser and he was
[52:41] smashing them and I said to her I said
[52:43] yeah I know he had smashed a couple she
[52:45] said what should we do so we talked it
[52:47] over and we said well you know on the
[52:48] one hand it's his own stuff uh if he's
[52:50] stupid enough to smash his own stuff you
[52:53] know he's not breaking our stuff but on
[52:54] the other hand we knew he had a temper
[52:56] and we thought maybe we should protect
[52:57] him from himself you may not believe
[52:59] what we chose to do we chose to leave
[53:01] the airplanes in there and after over
[53:04] the course of the next two or three
[53:06] months he smashed every single one and
[53:09] my wife and I regret our decision if we
[53:12] had to do it over again we would have
[53:14] taken the planes out and protected him
[53:16] from uh himself now there are room
[53:18] Wreckers and there are room wreckers
[53:20] they're in three there are three and
[53:21] four year olds you time them out for the
[53:23] first time they go in the room they are
[53:24] so mad they pull down their pants and
[53:26] they pee on the
[53:27] floor there's not that many I'm not
[53:30] trying to scare
[53:32] you there are some three and four year
[53:35] olds pull down their pants they go
[53:36] number two and they smear it on stuff
[53:39] and how many of you have ever known a
[53:40] child who can get himself so up set that
[53:42] he throws up yeah there's always a few
[53:45] in every audience I ever talk to what do
[53:48] you do with these kids well first of all
[53:50] the rule you don't clean it up does not
[53:52] apply obviously
[53:57] and secondly you time these kids out to
[53:59] the bathroom now I know what you're
[54:01] thinking you Wishful thinker you is what
[54:03] you're thinking it's not that they're
[54:05] going to use the facilities
[54:07] appropriately what's the point a
[54:08] bathroom is easier to clean so if you're
[54:10] going to get a kid and he's going to go
[54:12] to the bathroom on a uh huge carpet you
[54:14] got to send it out and pay 80 bucks to
[54:16] get it clean the carpet in the bathroom
[54:18] you can throw in a washer and clean it
[54:20] yourself uh but hopefully you won't get
[54:23] that far and won't get into that well
[54:26] what if we have kids at school in a
[54:27] classroom now in a classroom when a
[54:29] teacher times out a child may be at a
[54:32] desk in the back of the room as I said
[54:34] with younger kids kindergarteners it may
[54:35] be a rug over here sometimes it's behind
[54:37] a visual partition what if this kid
[54:40] though won't go uh to the the room or
[54:43] won't come out or Goofs around when
[54:45] they're there a teacher needs to be
[54:47] ready with some consequences for those
[54:49] things uh because the kids already in
[54:51] timeout and consequences can include uh
[54:54] a note home at the end of the day A
[54:55] detention after the today a visit to the
[54:57] principal a reduction in
[55:00] recess or a reduction in free time at
[55:03] lunch or some other privilege that is
[55:05] Meaningful to this kid during the course
[55:08] of that day if a kid won't come out at
[55:10] school of the um time out it's it's a
[55:15] problem what if the kid won't come out
[55:16] at home you time a child out and five
[55:18] minutes are gone and you go up there and
[55:19] you say five minutes is up and the child
[55:21] says I'm never coming out again as long
[55:23] as I live you know don't say good or
[55:26] promise prises promises or anything like
[55:29] that we have a rule you never chase a
[55:32] martyr just just walk away uh that's it
[55:35] I had a mother a couple years ago she
[55:36] asked me a question and she said the
[55:38] first time I timed out my 5-year-old to
[55:40] his room he was so enraged that he
[55:42] barricaded himself in the room he he
[55:44] slammed the door and put this big V of
[55:46] stuff up against the door and this
[55:48] mother she looked at me and she said I
[55:50] didn't know what to do I looked at her
[55:52] and I said I don't see the problem
[55:57] when he wants to come out he will unb
[55:59] barricade the door which is exactly what
[56:01] um he
[56:02] did discipline is hard enough when it's
[56:05] just you and your own child but what do
[56:08] you do when there are other people
[56:10] watching handling difficult behavior in
[56:13] public is a situation that all parents
[56:16] dread why is it that a crowd always
[56:18] seems to gather just at the time your
[56:20] son or daughter decides to act
[56:23] up what do you do if you have other
[56:25] people over what are you going to do
[56:26] with counting if you have guests you
[56:28] know well let's start with kids what if
[56:29] you have other kids over my son I told
[56:31] you was a real live wire and he had kind
[56:34] of two sets of friends one these real
[56:36] wild kids and then these real calm kids
[56:38] you ever seen some of these real calm
[56:39] kids my son had this one little boy that
[56:41] used to come over at names to play and
[56:42] this kid was like a walking Valium to my
[56:47] son they would play quietly it was
[56:49] amazing they were not arguing they were
[56:51] not yelling they were not fighting it
[56:52] was wonderful I wanted to buy this kid
[56:55] from his parents
[56:58] but they wouldn't sell him and then my
[57:00] son had his his his other Livewire
[57:02] friends and you get two of these
[57:03] hyperactive kids together it's like
[57:05] Nelly baton down hatches we're in for it
[57:08] so I developed this thing and it was
[57:11] 12323 23 out of the house and play and
[57:14] what did that mean it means one two
[57:16] three time out my son to his room other
[57:17] kids there one two three again time out
[57:20] my son to his room third time out you
[57:22] got you you guys got to go outside and
[57:24] play and it worked pretty good after
[57:26] after a couple of months I improved on
[57:27] that version and with the third time out
[57:29] I'd sent him over the other kid's house
[57:31] to
[57:33] play yes I did my wife said to me one
[57:36] day what are they doing over there I
[57:38] said I don't care what they're doing
[57:39] over
[57:43] there first time I timed out my son when
[57:45] he had a friend over he came charging up
[57:47] to me he waited till the kid left he
[57:48] came charging up to me and he said dad
[57:50] and I said what he said it's so
[57:51] embarrassing when you count me in front
[57:53] of my friends what do you say to him you
[57:55] say if you don't want to be embarrassed
[57:57] you can behave and that's it what if you
[57:59] have other adults over other adults you
[58:02] know and and something's going on and
[58:04] you feel the need to count well you know
[58:06] you're kind of worried is my kid going
[58:07] to cooperate is it going to make a fool
[58:08] out of me in front of this other parent
[58:10] what often happens though say is you get
[58:12] another parent and their child and say
[58:14] it's your little Bobby and Bobby's
[58:16] getting a little aggressive again you
[58:17] say Bobby that's one and he stops the
[58:19] other parent looks at you like what did
[58:20] you do you
[58:23] know they want to know what it is that's
[58:25] how we get the word passed around some
[58:27] of the time grandparents for the purpose
[58:30] of our program grandparents come in
[58:32] three different forms the first and
[58:36] rarest form of grandparent is the
[58:38] Cooperative
[58:42] grandparent now what they do is they
[58:44] will count along with you you say you
[58:46] say that's one grandma says two you or
[58:48] grandma says that's three take five
[58:50] that's great but it doesn't happen that
[58:51] much second type of grandparent is also
[58:53] very nice and this I I can't think of a
[58:55] better word but I call them a passive
[58:57] grandparent but I mean that in a good
[58:58] sense they don't interfere with you
[59:00] parenting your own kids uh and don't
[59:02] give you a hard time but if you're going
[59:04] out in the evening and they're
[59:05] babysitting teach Grandma and Grandpa
[59:07] how to do the one two3 teach your
[59:08] babysitters how to do the one two3
[59:10] you'll be doing them a favor and finally
[59:13] we have some antagonistic grandparents
[59:15] they get in the way uh for example I got
[59:18] a little Bobby over here say Bobby
[59:19] that's three take five Grandma's sitting
[59:21] over here and grandma says oh little
[59:24] Bobby didn't really do it
[59:26] [Music]
[59:28] anything Bobby come and sit on Grandma's
[59:30] lap for a
[59:32] while some people ask at this point can
[59:35] you count the
[59:40] grandparents uh the answer is probably
[59:42] not but you may have to uh be assertive
[59:45] with your parents you may have to say
[59:46] you know Mom or Dad I love you very much
[59:48] but this is my house these are my kids
[59:49] this is why I'm raising them you can't
[59:51] go along with the agenda visit may have
[59:53] to be cut short by a little bit can you
[59:56] imagine saying that to your
[59:59] parents what do you do in public when
[01:00:01] you have an audience how about on the
[01:00:03] phone on the phone this is a joke right
[01:00:06] why is it the kids every time the phone
[01:00:08] rings kids go
[01:00:10] nuts in our house it wasn't just the
[01:00:13] kids the dog would get into the
[01:00:15] ACT I kid you not phone rings dog barks
[01:00:20] dogs barking is a signal to the kids we
[01:00:23] got another sucker on the line get down
[01:00:24] here as fast as you can
[01:00:26] so they're all running around barking
[01:00:28] the kids are barking the dog is
[01:00:30] barking well you know by now what I'm
[01:00:32] going to say you got to count them when
[01:00:34] you're on the phone stand there talking
[01:00:36] and you go like this or your son comes
[01:00:38] up to you he wants
[01:00:40] something some people get so good that
[01:00:42] they just hold up the finger they
[01:00:43] continue the conversation over here yeah
[01:00:46] what do you think the Bears will do next
[01:00:47] year in the uh football I don't know I
[01:00:49] think the Green Bay will do a lot better
[01:00:50] than
[01:00:53] I takes a little thank you thank you it
[01:00:56] takes a little coordination but it can
[01:00:57] be done you may have to explain to the
[01:01:00] other person on the other end you know
[01:01:01] what you're doing you may have to put
[01:01:02] the phone down you may have to hang it
[01:01:03] up to escort this kid to the room but do
[01:01:05] it otherwise they will eat you alive as
[01:01:08] you know when you were on the phone yeah
[01:01:11] well I think we should I I want to go by
[01:01:14] SC house and play I mean no one makes
[01:01:17] parties on time anyway I want to go I
[01:01:20] want to go right now excuse me Sally now
[01:01:23] that's two
[01:01:27] yeah I'm
[01:01:29] back the most frequently Asked question
[01:01:31] and I would guess in an audience this
[01:01:33] size at least half of you have wondered
[01:01:34] about this is what do you do when you're
[01:01:36] actually out in public this is a scary
[01:01:39] situation and you know uh a lot of
[01:01:42] parents their first worry about it is
[01:01:45] what am I going to do in public there's
[01:01:47] no timeout room guess what no problem at
[01:01:50] all that's the good news the bad news is
[01:01:52] there's a much bigger problem and any
[01:01:55] parent knows deep in their heart what
[01:01:56] the problem is the problem going out in
[01:01:58] public with kids is this when you go out
[01:02:01] in public these kids can hold something
[01:02:03] over your head they can't hold over your
[01:02:05] head in private and that is the threat
[01:02:08] of public
[01:02:09] embarrassment no parent wants to look
[01:02:11] like a child abuser in aisle 5 the candy
[01:02:17] aisle of the local grocery store and
[01:02:19] these kids know it when they're 13
[01:02:20] months old I swear they are onto us just
[01:02:23] like that they sense that vulnerability
[01:02:26] so what are you going to do well let's
[01:02:29] let's imagine it that's the problem okay
[01:02:30] you got a 5-year-old a five is the candy
[01:02:33] aisle every time you go through there he
[01:02:35] says can I have a candy bar all the
[01:02:36] candy bars weigh 40 pounds you say no
[01:02:38] bam he's down on the floor screaming
[01:02:40] yelling kicking all this stuff and don't
[01:02:42] you love this part a crowd is gathering
[01:02:45] to see how you're going to handle
[01:02:47] it so what are you going to do what you
[01:02:51] do is you first make sure that you got
[01:02:52] the one two three rolling at home pretty
[01:02:54] well where you're getting a a good
[01:02:56] response at 1 or two most of the time
[01:02:59] most of the time why not all the time
[01:03:01] cuz he's just the kid so you're getting
[01:03:03] good response at home now you're in
[01:03:05] aisle 5 kid is on the floor having a
[01:03:07] royal tantrum the crowd has gathered you
[01:03:09] hold up one finger and you go just like
[01:03:11] you would at home that's one just like
[01:03:15] that what's the key here the key here is
[01:03:17] what you don't do not so much what you
[01:03:19] do you don't do this that's one come on
[01:03:22] now I don't want you making a fool out
[01:03:24] of me in front of all these people
[01:03:27] you say that or indicate that kid knows
[01:03:29] you can be had for a nickel he's going
[01:03:30] to forget the candy bar he'll have so
[01:03:32] much fun torturing
[01:03:35] you now some parents say Okay okay so
[01:03:37] far so good but there's still no timeout
[01:03:40] room the solution to this problem we
[01:03:42] call timeout room timeout place and
[01:03:44] again it's one of these things that
[01:03:45] parents sort of taught me uh rather than
[01:03:48] vice versa parents you know who'd Been
[01:03:50] In the Heat of battle in the museums the
[01:03:53] restaurants uh you know all these public
[01:03:55] places timeout room timeout Place give
[01:03:57] you some examples from the grocery store
[01:03:59] one couple had a little 2-year-old and
[01:04:00] when he would hit three they would just
[01:04:02] stand there in the aisle right on the
[01:04:03] spot holding his hand for two minutes
[01:04:05] wouldn't talk to him you don't talk to
[01:04:06] him during timeout another couple would
[01:04:08] pick the kid up put him in the cart two
[01:04:10] minutes timeout room corner of the store
[01:04:13] timeout timeout Place bathroom in the
[01:04:15] store timeout room kids old enough you
[01:04:18] can time them out to the front of the
[01:04:19] store if you feel comfortable you have a
[01:04:21] 10-year-old you say that's three I want
[01:04:23] you in the front of the store and I will
[01:04:24] meet you when I I am done you can also
[01:04:29] use the car for a timeout room some
[01:04:32] parents go to all the trouble uh of
[01:04:34] sending the kid back to the car so
[01:04:35] imagine you're going shopping with your
[01:04:37] your daughter and you pull up in the uh
[01:04:40] uh parking lot at the shopping mall now
[01:04:43] we're going to go in here for just a few
[01:04:44] minutes okay you can have one treat up
[01:04:47] to $1 but if you start bugging me about
[01:04:51] anything else I'm going to have to start
[01:04:52] to count okay okay come on
[01:04:57] you
[01:05:03] out well sure enough she gets some stuff
[01:05:07] up to about 90 cents then she wants more
[01:05:09] she starts bugging you you say that's
[01:05:10] one that's two that's three you bring
[01:05:12] the little girl back out to the car she
[01:05:14] sits in the car for the duration of the
[01:05:16] time some parents say that's a lot of
[01:05:18] trouble to go through yeah it is but
[01:05:20] it's an investment in your future so
[01:05:23] where can you do the timeout you can do
[01:05:24] the timeout Lots places when you are out
[01:05:27] in public I've had some parents and I
[01:05:30] say you know what are you do in this
[01:05:31] aisle 5 thing with the candy bar tantrum
[01:05:34] and these parents smile I say why are
[01:05:36] you smiling they say I just leave them
[01:05:37] there and go around aisle six by
[01:05:39] myself you meet somebody in aisle six
[01:05:41] you say boy you all that racket in the
[01:05:42] next stle I can't
[01:05:47] believe uh we're talking about what do
[01:05:49] you do when you have an audience now
[01:05:50] when you're driving around in the car
[01:05:52] you sort of have an audience you you do
[01:05:55] and you don't but let's talk about the
[01:05:56] car because it's kind of difficult now
[01:05:58] there are short trips and there are long
[01:06:00] trips short trips you'd think one of the
[01:06:03] things you could do was one two three
[01:06:05] timeout serve it when you get home
[01:06:06] doesn't work I think there's too long of
[01:06:08] a delay between the three and the actual
[01:06:11] timeout uh and it doesn't work uh
[01:06:14] timeout Alternatives seem to work better
[01:06:15] in that situation or one of the things
[01:06:18] that you can do is kids are arguing in
[01:06:20] the backseat of the car for example they
[01:06:22] hit three pull the car off to the side
[01:06:24] of the road you're the one who broke it
[01:06:27] I was not that's one you are so liar
[01:06:31] okay that's two your so down if you
[01:06:33] tried to throw yourself on the ground
[01:06:35] you miss oh yeah you're so okay that's
[01:06:38] three we're taking five and you sit
[01:06:41] there for the duration of the timeout
[01:06:43] parents who have used the car timeout
[01:06:45] like that tell me that it works very
[01:06:46] well provided of course that the parent
[01:06:48] does not get into an argument while they
[01:06:50] are uh sitting there what about long
[01:06:53] trips long trips in the car can be very
[01:06:55] in and in fact they can be very
[01:06:59] difficult be honest with you my wife
[01:07:00] used to say let's go on a vacation I
[01:07:01] would say no thanks I'd rather go to
[01:07:08] prison and she'd say what's the matter
[01:07:10] with you are you having a bad day I say
[01:07:11] no I'm not having a bad day but when we
[01:07:12] go on vacation there's two prisons the
[01:07:14] first has four wheels that's the car and
[01:07:16] the second has four walls that's a motel
[01:07:20] room you been driving along the
[01:07:21] interstate your left hand on the
[01:07:22] steering wheel like this and your right
[01:07:23] hand is waving madly through the back
[01:07:25] seat trying to hit this kid torturing
[01:07:27] his sister for the 90 millionth time and
[01:07:29] a car is weaving all over the road you
[01:07:32] know cop picks you up for reckless
[01:07:34] driving those are the kind of trips we
[01:07:37] used to have my wife said to me one time
[01:07:38] she said let's drive around Lake
[01:07:40] Michigan I said with the
[01:07:44] kids she said yeah I said I don't want
[01:07:46] to go she said you have to go you're the
[01:07:48] father you I'm saying I was panicked the
[01:07:50] kids were still in car seats and so I
[01:07:52] went down I'm supposed to be a
[01:07:53] psychologist forget that I went down the
[01:07:56] basement I found the biggest suitcase I
[01:07:57] could find it was made out of cloth I
[01:07:59] emptied it and I got some bailing twine
[01:08:02] and I took this suitcase and I put it in
[01:08:03] the back seat between the two car seats
[01:08:05] and I tied it to the light in the
[01:08:07] ceiling and I hung it down you see the
[01:08:09] idea they won't see each
[01:08:11] other and they won't be inclined to
[01:08:14] fight it didn't
[01:08:19] work they took it as a challenge and the
[01:08:22] way the way they would play the game is
[01:08:25] they would look in the rearview mirror
[01:08:26] to see where their old man is looking
[01:08:28] and then they'd sneak their arm around
[01:08:29] behind the suit go wham on the other guy
[01:08:30] all the way around like
[01:08:33] Miss we get back home from this terrible
[01:08:35] trip my wife says let's go to Disney
[01:08:38] World 20-hour Drive I said with the kids
[01:08:41] she said yeah I said I don't want to go
[01:08:42] she said you have to go you're the
[01:08:43] father so now we have the same thing
[01:08:45] again now I'm thinking 20-hour drive to
[01:08:47] Orlando said to myself faen you're
[01:08:49] supposed to be a psychologist try and
[01:08:51] think this one through so I started
[01:08:53] thinking and I said to myself well
[01:08:54] what's the true purpose of a father in
[01:08:57] Disney World answer came to me
[01:08:58] immediately
[01:09:03] money and then I said to myself why
[01:09:05] should I just give it to him why don't I
[01:09:06] make him earn it so the night before we
[01:09:09] left I sat the two kids down and I said
[01:09:11] well guys as you know tomorrow we're
[01:09:12] going on another one of our so-called
[01:09:17] vacations I said the biggest problem is
[01:09:19] you guys fighting and uh you know then
[01:09:21] I'm yelling at you then mom's yelling at
[01:09:23] me and then I want to get out of the car
[01:09:24] and walk home I don't care where we are
[01:09:26] I said I said we can't do that anymore
[01:09:28] and they said what are we going to do I
[01:09:29] said we're going to do something we'
[01:09:30] never done before I said we're taking
[01:09:31] along in the car a kitchen timer and I'm
[01:09:34] going to set this timer for 15 minute
[01:09:36] segments and if you guys go for 15
[01:09:38] minutes without fighting you each earn
[01:09:40] 25 cents toward your spending money in
[01:09:42] Disney World but I said there's a catch
[01:09:44] they said what's the catch said the
[01:09:46] catch is you either both earn it or you
[01:09:48] both lose it I Saidi promise you right
[01:09:50] this minute there will be no time when
[01:09:52] one of you earns it and the other one
[01:09:53] does not earn it and then I said if you
[01:09:56] were perfectly good and I don't expect
[01:09:57] you to be perfectly good you're just
[01:09:59] kids but if you're perfectly good you
[01:10:01] would each earn $20 each on the road to
[01:10:05] Orlando so next day we took off in the
[01:10:08] car in the car we had a clipboard 8 and
[01:10:10] 1 half by 11 pad of paper pencil kitchen
[01:10:12] timer set it for 15minute segments if
[01:10:15] they don't fight during that 15 minute
[01:10:16] hey great job guys you each earn 25
[01:10:19] cents more all the way down to Disney
[01:10:21] World 20h hour drive maximum each one of
[01:10:24] them could earn was $20 each child
[01:10:27] Believe It or Not earned
[01:10:31] $19.75 they had one fight the whole way
[01:10:34] down my wife and I were in hog heaven we
[01:10:36] could not believe it my son you know how
[01:10:39] kids treat their younger sister my son
[01:10:41] at one point turns to his younger sister
[01:10:43] and says Julie how's your trip
[01:10:53] going you appreciate how weird weird
[01:10:55] that is
[01:10:57] right people say what'd you do on the
[01:10:59] way back and the way back we didn't do
[01:11:01] anything and they had two fights now we
[01:11:03] get back home fairy tale's over uh they
[01:11:05] resume their normal sibling rivalry we
[01:11:07] resume the normal one 123 you never cure
[01:11:09] sibling rivalry by the way but it was
[01:11:10] one of the best vacations we ever had
[01:11:13] now that's not the only thing you can do
[01:11:15] you can do the caringo game The Alphabet
[01:11:17] game the color game you want to go from
[01:11:18] here to dork County you leave at 4:00 in
[01:11:20] the morning the kids sleep through most
[01:11:21] of the trip I had a family once and they
[01:11:24] went from Chicago to Arkansas saw for a
[01:11:25] family reunion 15-hour Drive they had
[01:11:27] two 0d kids a boy and a girl each kid
[01:11:29] worse than the other one and they got
[01:11:32] this trip this guy put on his thinking
[01:11:34] cap he went to the uh store and bought a
[01:11:37] VCR which plugs into the cigarette
[01:11:38] lighter and then he went to the video
[01:11:40] store and he rented 20
[01:11:44] movies I said to him he left I said good
[01:11:46] luck tell me how it went when you get
[01:11:48] back guy comes back I said how did it go
[01:11:50] he said great he said there was a short
[01:11:51] fight every two
[01:11:53] hours when they changed the movie and
[01:11:56] then peace and quiet for 2 hours and
[01:11:58] that was it uh so there's a lot of
[01:12:01] things you can do uh on these trips you
[01:12:03] know you put one in the front one in the
[01:12:05] back main thing is to put your thinking
[01:12:07] cap on don't just hop into the car and
[01:12:09] think isn't this going to be a lovely
[01:12:13] trip there are three situations in which
[01:12:16] children present adults with problems
[01:12:18] that require some minor modifications in
[01:12:20] the 123 procedure these are sibling
[01:12:24] rivalry temper tantrums and pouting Dr
[01:12:27] failen
[01:12:29] explains okay there are certain things
[01:12:31] when you're doing the one 123 that you
[01:12:32] have to vary the method just a little
[01:12:34] bit because of the nature of the problem
[01:12:36] and those are sibling rivalry temper
[01:12:37] tantrums and pouting now sibling rivalry
[01:12:41] at home fighting between kids at school
[01:12:43] for a teacher or playground supervisor
[01:12:45] or something like that but it's
[01:12:47] complicated because there's two people
[01:12:49] involved in it so I have several basic
[01:12:51] rules the first rule is when the kids
[01:12:53] are fighting 90% of the time count both
[01:12:56] of them unless one is the obvious
[01:13:00] unprovoked aggressor and you are
[01:13:02] absolutely positive but be very careful
[01:13:05] because by now you know what kids are
[01:13:08] tricky you can be there the whole time
[01:13:10] some of the time see the whole thing and
[01:13:11] you're still not sure who started it
[01:13:14] ever been riding in your car for example
[01:13:15] you're in the front seat your two kids
[01:13:17] are in the back your left hand's on the
[01:13:18] steering wheel from the backseat you
[01:13:20] hear this voice say mom he's looking at
[01:13:23] me again
[01:13:26] what is your son stalking your daughter
[01:13:27] in the back
[01:13:30] seat what do you say you say that's one
[01:13:33] for both of you you're going to count
[01:13:34] both kids second rule about sibling
[01:13:37] rivalry when a kids are fighting unless
[01:13:40] you suspect somebody has been physically
[01:13:42] injured and you have to examine their
[01:13:43] body never asked the two stupidest
[01:13:48] questions who started it or what
[01:13:50] happened you what do you expect George
[01:13:52] Washington show up I cannot tell a lie
[01:13:56] yes I started this fight in the last 27
[01:13:58] had been my personal responsibility I'm
[01:13:59] very
[01:14:00] sorry no it's he did she did he did she
[01:14:03] did you know back and forth and back and
[01:14:04] forth uh and and so on third role never
[01:14:08] expect an older child to be more mature
[01:14:10] during a fight than a younger child
[01:14:12] don't say to your 11-year-old son can't
[01:14:14] you put up with a little teasing she's
[01:14:15] only a baby referring to his
[01:14:17] four-year-old younger sister what did
[01:14:19] you just do you loaded the gun of a
[01:14:21] little girl who will deeply appreciate
[01:14:23] it and use it to maximum
[01:14:26] Advantage now let's just imagine and the
[01:14:29] other rule is um don't send two fighting
[01:14:31] kids who share a room to the same room
[01:14:36] um now let's imagine for a second this
[01:14:38] is a bit of a digression but um it's
[01:14:40] important let's imagine you have an
[01:14:41] 11-year-old son and a four-year-old
[01:14:43] daughter and the 11-year-old boy is
[01:14:45] getting 10-minute timeouts and the
[01:14:49] four-year-old is getting 5 minute
[01:14:50] timeouts and one day your son walks up
[01:14:53] to you and he says hey hey Dad yeah you
[01:14:56] know this timeout thing sure how come
[01:14:59] when I get a timeout it's way longer
[01:15:01] than Little Miss shrimp over there
[01:15:03] that's because we have a rule that you
[01:15:04] get about 1 minute of time out for every
[01:15:06] year you've been on this planet well
[01:15:08] that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard
[01:15:10] and that's one oh brother is this a
[01:15:13] discussion or an attack it was a
[01:15:14] discussion now it's an attack you
[01:15:17] discuss discussions you count attacks
[01:15:19] some people come from this program they
[01:15:21] think they're not supposed to talk to
[01:15:22] their kids anymore
[01:15:25] they're missing the point the point is
[01:15:27] you get the discipline over so you can
[01:15:29] talk to your kids more but sometimes
[01:15:31] it's a little tricky your daughter comes
[01:15:33] home from school and says I hate my
[01:15:34] music teacher my music teacher is an
[01:15:36] idiot don't say that's one what should
[01:15:39] you say what happened you know what if
[01:15:42] the kid comes up to you and says I hate
[01:15:43] you well I would suggest you listen
[01:15:46] first to find out what they're talking
[01:15:47] about maybe discipline will be necessary
[01:15:49] maybe it will U
[01:15:52] not second temper tantrums what are the
[01:15:54] VAR ation here well variation is this
[01:15:57] you have a child and the kid is
[01:15:59] tantruming and so you say that's one
[01:16:01] that's two that's three now the child is
[01:16:03] in the room tantram me for a five minute
[01:16:08] timeout boy this is dumb this is so dumb
[01:16:12] it's beyond description are you going to
[01:16:15] be sorry I'm never coming out again as
[01:16:18] long as I leave see if I ever eat any of
[01:16:21] your rotten meals again 5 minutes have
[01:16:24] gone by
[01:16:26] but what's not done is the
[01:16:29] Tantrum so what are you going to do what
[01:16:31] you do and you could probably guess this
[01:16:33] yourself is you don't start the timeout
[01:16:35] until the Tantrum is over so if the kid
[01:16:38] wants to tantrum and yell and scream for
[01:16:40] 30 minutes 5 minute timeout starts after
[01:16:42] 30 minutes three hours three- hour
[01:16:45] tantrum could be a room record tantrum
[01:16:47] starts I mean timeout starts after 3
[01:16:49] hours and don't be sticking your head in
[01:16:51] there every 5 minutes say come on now
[01:16:52] don't you think that's enough you know
[01:16:54] we miss
[01:16:55] [Music]
[01:16:58] you you have homework to do all this
[01:17:00] kind of just be quiet and let them go at
[01:17:02] it make sure the room is safe uh if
[01:17:04] you're going to um do that and the third
[01:17:07] variation is pouting pouting is a
[01:17:10] passive Behavior it's designed to make
[01:17:11] you feel guilty if you do feel guilty
[01:17:14] that's your problem you know why should
[01:17:16] you feel guilty for trying to be a good
[01:17:18] parent so you say to your 8-year-old
[01:17:20] daughter uh she's sitting on the couch
[01:17:22] watching TV please turn off TV and get
[01:17:24] ready for bed
[01:17:26] you get the face what do you do you just
[01:17:29] walk away and ignore it you do not need
[01:17:31] to count it only time we do something
[01:17:33] different is if we get what we call an
[01:17:35] aggressive powder an aggressive powder
[01:17:37] is a kid who follows you all around the
[01:17:38] house to make sure you don't miss a
[01:17:40] minute of the sour
[01:17:43] push that's one we're we're not going to
[01:17:46] let them rub our nose in
[01:17:49] it at this point you have a pretty good
[01:17:52] idea about how to use counting to manage
[01:17:54] difficult
[01:17:55] Behavior soon it will be time to start
[01:17:58] won't your kids be surprised one caution
[01:18:02] don't begin the 123 Magic program until
[01:18:05] you have finished watching this video
[01:18:07] and you are ready then sit your children
[01:18:10] down and tell them that things are going
[01:18:12] to be
[01:18:14] different how do you get started with
[01:18:17] the one two3 you know some of you are
[01:18:18] probably want do I just go home and
[01:18:19] start throwing numbers all over the
[01:18:21] place or do we tell the kids yes we tell
[01:18:24] the kids something is coming something's
[01:18:25] going to be different and I'll tell you
[01:18:27] the home version and the school version
[01:18:29] of what we call the kickoff conversation
[01:18:31] it's the shortest chapter in the book at
[01:18:33] home you sit the kids
[01:18:36] down Mom and Dad preferably even if
[01:18:38] you're not living together it's a good
[01:18:39] idea to do the kickoff conversation
[01:18:40] together if you're going to both spouses
[01:18:43] are going to do it so you sit the kids
[01:18:45] down between the ages of approximately 2
[01:18:46] and 12 okay guys now that's the one two
[01:18:49] three now there's one thing about this
[01:18:51] that you'll like and one thing you won't
[01:18:53] like now what you won't like is that if
[01:18:56] you do something pretty bad like swear
[01:18:58] or hit that's an automatic three and
[01:19:01] you'll get more time what you will like
[01:19:04] is once you come out of the rest period
[01:19:06] we won't talk about what happened at all
[01:19:08] unless it's something really
[01:19:10] unusual so any questions I think Mom
[01:19:14] went to the bookstore again how long do
[01:19:16] you think this one's going to
[01:19:19] last don't expect them to get the idea
[01:19:21] until you actually start uh doing it
[01:19:24] some kids kids learn the one two3 by
[01:19:25] being counted themselves some kids learn
[01:19:27] the one two three vicariously by
[01:19:29] watching their brothers and sisters get
[01:19:31] timed out and come but the first time
[01:19:32] you say that's one they don't have a
[01:19:34] feel for what it is until they've
[01:19:36] actually been through it or seen it what
[01:19:38] do you do in school if you're a teacher
[01:19:40] in school you it's easier to start the
[01:19:42] one two three of course in the beginning
[01:19:43] of the year but you can start it during
[01:19:45] the middle of the year if you want if
[01:19:47] you start at the beginning of the year
[01:19:48] what a lot of teachers do is they will
[01:19:49] take the first week of school and at
[01:19:52] different times during that week they
[01:19:54] will explain the one two three to their
[01:19:57] classroom so here you can imagine
[01:20:00] imagine a teacher standing up in front
[01:20:02] of the class and she is explaining it to
[01:20:04] the kids here's the deal kids this year
[01:20:07] we're going to use something called
[01:20:09] Counting here's how it goes suppose
[01:20:11] you're talking to your neighbor or
[01:20:13] getting out of your seat or doing
[01:20:15] something else you're not supposed to
[01:20:17] I'm going to say that's one that's your
[01:20:19] first warning let's say you do something
[01:20:22] else you're not supposed to whether it's
[01:20:24] the same kind of thing or something else
[01:20:27] I'm going to say that's too that's your
[01:20:29] second warning to keep track of how many
[01:20:32] times I've had to count you we're going
[01:20:34] to use this Behavior stoplight each one
[01:20:36] of you has a clip that has your name on
[01:20:38] it what I'm going to do is I'm going to
[01:20:40] move your name from Green up to Yellow
[01:20:44] if I have to count you if you continue
[01:20:47] that kind of behavior and you don't
[01:20:48] improve it I'm going to move you from
[01:20:50] yellow up to Red that means a note goes
[01:20:54] home to your parent parents second
[01:20:56] week the kids explain the program back
[01:20:58] to the teacher can anyone tell me what
[01:21:00] kinds of things we're going to get be
[01:21:02] counting DeMarco kicking you're exactly
[01:21:06] right anybody else can anybody else tell
[01:21:07] me what kind of things we're going to
[01:21:08] count Stephanie uh talking out loud
[01:21:12] you're exactly right that's another
[01:21:14] thing that we would count some teachers
[01:21:15] have also used our video kids are very
[01:21:18] interested in the one through3 video
[01:21:19] because children love to see other kids
[01:21:21] getting in trouble
[01:21:25] so it'll hold their interest and the
[01:21:27] second week then when the when the um
[01:21:30] teacher is uh getting the explanation
[01:21:33] from the children a lot of teachers also
[01:21:34] have a parent night and where they
[01:21:36] explain a lot of stuff among them they
[01:21:38] may explain the one two three to the
[01:21:39] parents and they may show a part of the
[01:21:41] video so the parents have that then what
[01:21:43] can you do during the year well if
[01:21:44] you're a teacher and you're having
[01:21:45] behavior problem with this kid you can
[01:21:47] get together with the parents and you
[01:21:48] can do one two 3 at home one two three
[01:21:50] at school and you can coordinate which
[01:21:51] makes things usually a lot more
[01:21:53] effective
[01:21:56] when you start using the 123 many
[01:21:58] children will cooperate immediately
[01:22:01] that's the good news other kids though
[01:22:03] are going to give you a hard time right
[01:22:06] away we don't know of too many children
[01:22:08] who ever thank their parents or teachers
[01:22:10] for watching this tape so our countdown
[01:22:14] to sanity continues with the six kinds
[01:22:16] of testing and manipulation and exactly
[01:22:19] how to handle them in the beginning I
[01:22:22] told you that when you start out
[01:22:24] especially especially parents not so
[01:22:25] much teachers but when you start out
[01:22:27] half of the kids are going to cooperate
[01:22:29] and the other half of the kids at home
[01:22:31] are going to give you a hard time we
[01:22:34] call this testing and
[01:22:37] manipulation good parents are what warm
[01:22:40] and demanding warm means warm supportive
[01:22:43] you're there for the kids you take care
[01:22:44] of them and all that demanding means you
[01:22:46] ask the kids to do things you tell them
[01:22:48] they cannot do things get up in the
[01:22:50] morning go to bed do your homework and
[01:22:52] all this kind of stuff if you're doing
[01:22:54] your job as a parent you are irritating
[01:22:56] your kids
[01:22:57] regularly sounds kind of funny and
[01:22:59] people often laugh when I say that but
[01:23:01] it's really true now when you're
[01:23:03] frustrating A Child by asking them to do
[01:23:05] something they have two choices they can
[01:23:08] cooperate or they can test and
[01:23:10] manipulate and we're going to talk about
[01:23:12] testing and manipulation if they test
[01:23:14] and manipulate they have six choices
[01:23:16] which I'm about to present to you the
[01:23:18] six different types of testing and
[01:23:19] manipulation so when kids are testing
[01:23:22] what are they doing they're trying to
[01:23:23] get their way yeah I don't want to
[01:23:24] cooperate I don't want to go to bed I I
[01:23:26] don't want to stop teasing my sister I
[01:23:27] do want those Fritos and so I'm going to
[01:23:30] try and put some emotional pressure on
[01:23:32] you mom or dad or teacher so you will
[01:23:34] give me my way that's testing and
[01:23:37] manipulation so testing has a purpose
[01:23:39] but testing can have a second purpose as
[01:23:42] well and that is this you'll notice some
[01:23:44] of the time that kids will test you when
[01:23:45] they're not getting their way and you
[01:23:47] still don't give them their way but they
[01:23:49] continue the testing Behavior why would
[01:23:51] they do that answer is simple it's
[01:23:53] Revenge Mom Dad teacher you didn't give
[01:23:56] me what I wanted you're going to
[01:23:58] pay does this mean the kids are
[01:24:00] professional criminals no mean they're
[01:24:02] mentally ill no natural response I
[01:24:04] didn't get what I want I'm mad and
[01:24:06] you're going to get it let's look at the
[01:24:08] different kinds of testing and
[01:24:10] manipulation the first one is badgering
[01:24:14] please please Mom please come on mom mom
[01:24:19] mom mom mom mom mom mom please just this
[01:24:23] once please please just this once mom
[01:24:26] mommy come on one time mom mom mommy mom
[01:24:31] mom mom mom mommy mom mom mom mom there
[01:24:35] are some children who should have been
[01:24:37] machine guns in the second world
[01:24:40] war that's badgering just give me what I
[01:24:42] want give me the stupid thing and I'll
[01:24:44] shut up second tactic is temper or what
[01:24:47] we sometimes call
[01:24:49] intimidation this can involve yelling at
[01:24:52] you little kids throw themselves down on
[01:24:54] the floor bite their arm bang their head
[01:24:57] scream older kids May accuse you of
[01:24:59] being a bad parent this is so dumb I
[01:25:02] can't believe it all my friends think
[01:25:04] you guys are nuts can I go outside for 2
[01:25:06] minutes no I have to do
[01:25:09] homework third tactic is
[01:25:12] threat that's it I'm running away from
[01:25:15] home I'm never doing another bit of
[01:25:18] homework ever I'm never going to eat
[01:25:22] again one little girl came down to her
[01:25:24] mother just a couple weeks ago and her
[01:25:26] mom wouldn't let her sleep over to
[01:25:28] friends little girl really cute she's n
[01:25:30] n years old she walks into the kitchen
[01:25:32] her mom is cooking dinner little girl
[01:25:33] stands there looks at her mom and says
[01:25:35] I'm going to stand here and stare at you
[01:25:37] until you change your
[01:25:38] [Laughter]
[01:25:43] mind tactic number four
[01:25:46] martyrdom crying pouting looking sad
[01:25:50] looking teary saying stuff like no one
[01:25:52] around here loves me and
[01:25:56] anymore I never get
[01:25:59] anything well I guess nobody around here
[01:26:02] loves me
[01:26:10] anymore designed to make you feel what
[01:26:14] guilty and it's a hard one for parents
[01:26:16] to handle uh martyrdom may take the cake
[01:26:18] in terms of Parental difficulty in
[01:26:20] managing testing some parents have a
[01:26:22] guilt button the size of the state of
[01:26:23] Wyoming all the kids got to do is give
[01:26:25] it a poke and they get what they want
[01:26:28] tactic number five butterup now the
[01:26:31] first four tactics were are different
[01:26:33] from butterup first four tactics what's
[01:26:35] the kid do doing what the child is doing
[01:26:37] with badgering intimidation threat and
[01:26:39] martyrdom is saying look mom or dad
[01:26:41] you're frustrating me by not giving me
[01:26:42] what I want but now I am frustrating you
[01:26:45] back by my badgering intimidation threat
[01:26:47] and martyrdom now that we're both
[01:26:49] frustrated I will offer you a deal
[01:26:54] you call off your dogs I'll call off
[01:26:57] mine you give me what I want I'll knock
[01:26:59] this stuff off and you know what if you
[01:27:01] give the kids what they want they'll
[01:27:02] knock off the testing in a split second
[01:27:04] guaranteed some people say oh thank God
[01:27:07] there's a way to get rid of testing and
[01:27:08] manipulation certainly is what's the
[01:27:11] problem who's running your house it's
[01:27:13] not you anymore it's the kids all they
[01:27:15] got to do in the pinch get their big
[01:27:17] guns out aim them at you and you are
[01:27:19] chopped liver with butterup the tactic
[01:27:22] is unusual because
[01:27:24] the child here is going to try and make
[01:27:26] it feel good going to try and make it
[01:27:27] feel good and this often precedes the
[01:27:30] frustrating event the frustrated child
[01:27:32] or frustrated to be child looks at you
[01:27:34] and says please Mom I promise I'll never
[01:27:36] ask for anything
[01:27:38] else I think I'll go clean my room it's
[01:27:41] been looking kind of messy for the last
[01:27:43] 3
[01:27:44] years you've got the pretest eyes of
[01:27:47] anybody on the
[01:27:50] BL this is hard to tell from genuine
[01:27:52] affection if a kid comes up to you in
[01:27:54] the morning on Saturday morning and says
[01:27:55] Dad if I clean up my bedroom by noon
[01:27:57] according to your specifications can I
[01:27:59] have Charlie sleep over tonight that's a
[01:28:00] deal you know that's a deal but have you
[01:28:02] ever heard anybody say the only time
[01:28:04] this kids's nice is when they want
[01:28:05] something chances are it's butter up and
[01:28:08] the sixth tactic possibly the worst is
[01:28:10] physical tactics either running away
[01:28:13] breaking stuff or physically attacking
[01:28:16] you
[01:28:17] [Applause]
[01:28:26] uh kids can throw stuff around uh but
[01:28:29] it's something where they use their arms
[01:28:30] and their legs more than their words to
[01:28:33] get what they want in our research the
[01:28:36] favorite tactics of kids are numbers one
[01:28:38] two and four which means badgering
[01:28:41] temper intimidation that's one and
[01:28:44] martyrdom girls like martyrdom more than
[01:28:46] boys as you might expect and guess which
[01:28:49] sex likes
[01:28:50] temper boys like it more than girls both
[01:28:53] sexes seem to like like badgering now
[01:28:56] testing tactics I'm giving you kind of
[01:28:57] the pure testing forms if you want these
[01:29:00] tactics can be combined uh in at
[01:29:03] different times so a child could be
[01:29:05] doing butter up and badgering at the
[01:29:06] same time so please you know please
[01:29:08] please I promise I promise I promise and
[01:29:10] all this kind of stuff it could be what
[01:29:12] we call a 51 pattern there's one
[01:29:15] combination that's very very famous in
[01:29:17] fact I've debated put putting it on the
[01:29:18] testing list as number seven and in some
[01:29:21] research we did recently where we asked
[01:29:23] parents what's the most obnoxious thing
[01:29:24] your kids do this was the number one
[01:29:26] thing uh of all the things that parents
[01:29:28] reported to us the tactic it's a testing
[01:29:31] tactic It's a combination It's a
[01:29:33] combination of number four martyrdom and
[01:29:35] number one badgering the word describing
[01:29:38] it starts with the letter
[01:29:40] W whining that's correct whining whining
[01:29:44] drives parents
[01:29:46] insane what are you going to do with
[01:29:48] whining you're going to count whining
[01:29:50] some people say oh she looks so frail
[01:29:53] when she whines she looks like she's
[01:29:55] going to fall into a million pieces
[01:29:57] count whining you know it'll end it um
[01:30:01] and that's the that's the end of that
[01:30:03] you don't need a whole book on whining
[01:30:05] now you understand the six types of
[01:30:07] testing and manipulation now comes the $
[01:30:09] 64,000 question think of your kids one
[01:30:12] at a time if you're a teacher you can do
[01:30:13] this mini behavioral analysis for each
[01:30:15] of the kids in your classroom as well
[01:30:17] and for each child student or son or
[01:30:20] daughter answered this question does
[01:30:22] this child of mine have a favorite
[01:30:24] tactic on the
[01:30:25] list one that they use over and over and
[01:30:29] over I see some people nodding yes which
[01:30:31] is often the way it is if your child has
[01:30:34] a favorite tactic that's bad why is it
[01:30:38] bad it's working for
[01:30:44] them what does working mean working
[01:30:46] means one of two things working means
[01:30:48] either number one they're getting their
[01:30:49] way how does a kid know if he's getting
[01:30:51] its way you give it to them you give
[01:30:52] them the Fritos at six when he shouldn't
[01:30:54] have him you let him keep teasing his
[01:30:56] sister when he shouldn't do that you
[01:30:57] don't make him go to bed how does a kid
[01:30:58] know if he's getting effective Revenge
[01:31:01] this takes us back to what the no
[01:31:03] talking no emotion rules if this little
[01:31:05] child can get big old you all upset and
[01:31:08] yakity yakity Yak they know they've
[01:31:10] gotten effective Revenge dad says to his
[01:31:13] nine-year-old son please turn off the TV
[01:31:15] and finish your homework kid blows he
[01:31:16] pulls a number two okay major nuclear
[01:31:20] tantrum what's Dad's reaction dad has a
[01:31:23] counter tamper tantrum he gets mad worse
[01:31:26] than the kid what's the final score of
[01:31:27] this interaction child five dad two kid
[01:31:31] wins he got dad to blow does he know how
[01:31:33] to press his old man's buttons you bet
[01:31:35] your boots is he going to do it again in
[01:31:37] the future you bet your boots he's going
[01:31:38] to do it again in the future uh he has
[01:31:40] that tactic for Revenge even though he's
[01:31:42] not getting his way so now you know what
[01:31:45] you cannot do with testing and
[01:31:47] manipulation when your kids are testing
[01:31:50] number one you cannot give them their
[01:31:52] way and number two you have to keep your
[01:31:55] cool so that you don't give them
[01:31:57] effective Revenge now we're talking
[01:31:59] something that is not easy at all very
[01:32:02] difficult so let's imagine you leave
[01:32:04] this Workshop you know and you think
[01:32:06] okay I'm on to this kid now you know I'm
[01:32:08] not putting up with any more of this
[01:32:09] stuff and uh you go home was great it
[01:32:12] was really nice hey honey Dad can we go
[01:32:15] for ice cream real quick oh sorry honey
[01:32:17] it's it's too late you know and I've got
[01:32:19] to call your Aunt Martha please just as
[01:32:21] once please
[01:32:25] sorry that's really stupid you beg can
[01:32:29] wait a few minutes you watch your
[01:32:31] language see if I ever do anything for
[01:32:33] you
[01:32:35] anymore I never get to do what I
[01:32:39] want please dad I promise I'll go to bed
[01:32:43] 15 minutes early and brush my teeth
[01:32:46] without
[01:32:48] complaining what's she doing she's
[01:32:51] switching tactics on you now switching
[01:32:53] tactics can be a sign that you are
[01:32:55] actually handling things effectively uh
[01:32:57] she's going from one thing to one thing
[01:32:59] to one thing but parents often say to me
[01:33:01] is that what I I'm going to have to go
[01:33:02] through and the answer is no because why
[01:33:06] how are you going to handle testing and
[01:33:08] manipulation now we return back to a
[01:33:09] very simple part of the one 123 program
[01:33:12] if I asked you if you look at the list
[01:33:14] badgering temper threat
[01:33:16] martyrdom forget butter up in physical
[01:33:19] tactics and I said is this stop Behavior
[01:33:21] or start Behavior you'd say it's stop
[01:33:24] Behavior that's correct it's obnoxious
[01:33:26] behavior what do you do with that you
[01:33:27] count it so the simple answer is testing
[01:33:30] and manipulation has to be recognized
[01:33:32] and then counted remember the twinkie
[01:33:35] example little girl says yeah but I want
[01:33:37] one what is that tactic number one
[01:33:40] badgering she already had the
[01:33:41] explanation why she couldn't have have
[01:33:42] it now she's badgering her mother
[01:33:44] parents says that's one then the little
[01:33:46] girl says you never give me anything
[01:33:49] which one is that number four martyrdom
[01:33:52] that's correct parents says that's two
[01:33:55] then the little girl says I hate your
[01:33:57] guts I'm going to kill myself and run
[01:33:59] away from home which is an obvious 23
[01:34:02] combo little bit of temper little bit of
[01:34:05] threat parent says that's three take
[01:34:07] five child is gone so testing some of
[01:34:10] the real bad stuff like in Temper you
[01:34:12] know if they swear at you or try and hit
[01:34:15] you that'd be physical too automatic
[01:34:17] automatic three and extended time
[01:34:20] there's only two things on that list
[01:34:21] that are not counted one is is pouting
[01:34:24] which is buried in the martyrdom
[01:34:25] category remember passive pouting is not
[01:34:27] counted uh the other thing that's not
[01:34:29] counted usually is butterup child says
[01:34:32] to you Gom you got the prettiest eyes of
[01:34:33] anybody on the Block you would not say
[01:34:35] that's
[01:34:39] one it would be fairly strange so
[01:34:42] testing and manipulation by and large
[01:34:44] you have to think in terms of testing
[01:34:46] and manipulation and what's your cue
[01:34:49] your cue is you just frustrated your kid
[01:34:51] about something they're frustrated brace
[01:34:53] for it don't say oh I hope he doesn't
[01:34:55] give me a hard
[01:34:57] time I'm the parent you're the kid shoot
[01:35:00] away and uh I will count it if I have
[01:35:04] to when you first begin to use counting
[01:35:07] for difficult Behavior sometimes your
[01:35:09] kids will cooperate and other times they
[01:35:11] will get upset it's very important to
[01:35:14] keep one thing in mind just because your
[01:35:17] kids get frustrated with you does not
[01:35:19] mean you are doing your job
[01:35:21] poorly you are doing job poorly however
[01:35:25] if you get too exasperated and talk too
[01:35:27] much to give you a better feel of how
[01:35:30] the 123 works let's look at some
[01:35:33] examples of counting in
[01:35:35] action okay counting takes practice and
[01:35:38] I found a lot of parents and teachers
[01:35:40] can go home and they start doing it and
[01:35:41] become very Adept really in a very short
[01:35:43] period of time other thing about it
[01:35:45] that's good is that kids learn it in a
[01:35:48] very quick short period of time but it
[01:35:51] still takes practice so I want to run
[01:35:53] through with you you a few examples of
[01:35:55] what we call counting in action our
[01:35:57] first example is a a familiar summertime
[01:36:00] refrain to many parents the summer is
[01:36:02] coming up and uh you're going to be
[01:36:03] getting this kids come into you and they
[01:36:05] say there's nothing to do I'm
[01:36:10] bored and let's look at this scene and
[01:36:12] we'll have our parent first do it what
[01:36:14] we call the wrong way and then do the
[01:36:16] counting the right way here's how The
[01:36:18] Scene goes there's nothing to do why
[01:36:21] don't you and your friends go down to
[01:36:22] the pool we just did did yesterday and
[01:36:24] it's too hot well then why don't you
[01:36:26] play your video game nah why don't you
[01:36:29] go take a hike to timbuk to what just
[01:36:33] kidding mat it's not funny well don't be
[01:36:35] giving me a hard time about it
[01:36:37] everything I have suggested is not good
[01:36:39] enough for your Royal Highness you know
[01:36:42] I'm not the entertainment committee
[01:36:43] around here why don't you just go find
[01:36:45] something to do and leave me alone but
[01:36:47] you said you'll take us to creature
[01:36:48] castle at the new mall I can't they I
[01:36:51] have a million things I've got to do
[01:36:52] here see we never get to do anything
[01:36:55] that we want okay unfortunate outcome
[01:36:58] and parents blowing it not handling it
[01:37:00] well at all let's do it the right
[01:37:04] way there's nothing to do why don't you
[01:37:07] and your friends go down to the pool we
[01:37:09] just did yesterday and it's too hot well
[01:37:11] then why don't you play your video game
[01:37:14] nah well I'm sorry I can't think of
[01:37:17] anything else I guess I can't help you
[01:37:18] out today and anyways I have just too
[01:37:20] many things I've got to do around here
[01:37:22] you said you'll take a to creature
[01:37:24] castle at the new
[01:37:25] mall that's one see we never get to do
[01:37:29] anything we want that's
[01:37:33] two now you could argue maybe Mom waited
[01:37:35] a little long to do the first count uh
[01:37:37] but it's still much better talking stops
[01:37:41] that's one I'm not going to argue it
[01:37:43] anymore here's another
[01:37:49] example hey
[01:37:53] well that was my mother on the phone and
[01:37:56] I guess Dad is not doing well at all in
[01:37:59] fact they just had to take him to the
[01:38:01] hospital all right all right hi guys hi
[01:38:04] Anie um listen Mom and Dad have to talk
[01:38:06] about something very important for a few
[01:38:08] minutes so you go outside and play for a
[01:38:11] bit I want to be here I promise I won't
[01:38:13] listen no dear now you just go outside
[01:38:15] and play I want to stay here listen
[01:38:18] young lady we're not going to tell you
[01:38:20] again I just want to talk to you guys do
[01:38:23] you want spanking okay that's
[01:38:28] one lousy use accounting okay
[01:38:31] everybody's upset they're upset to begin
[01:38:33] with now they got the little girl upset
[01:38:35] they need some time to talk it over
[01:38:36] before they tell her what's going on so
[01:38:38] let's do this one
[01:38:39] again hey
[01:38:41] honey that was my mother on the phone
[01:38:44] and uh I guess Dad is not doing very
[01:38:47] well at all in fact they just had to
[01:38:49] take him to the hospital do you want to
[01:38:51] fly out cuz I I can call right
[01:38:55] now hi guys hi honey listen um Mom and
[01:39:00] Dad have to talk about something very
[01:39:02] important for a few minutes so you go
[01:39:04] outside and play for a bit I want to be
[01:39:07] here with you I promise I won't listen
[01:39:09] that's one honey I want to stay here
[01:39:12] that's two man I never get to do
[01:39:17] anything much better kids unhappy she'll
[01:39:20] get over it you know parents have time
[01:39:21] to talk about a more serious
[01:39:24] subject another example little boys are
[01:39:27] always fascinated by their father's
[01:39:28] power
[01:39:30] tools so we have this
[01:39:34] scene mom I want to use Dad's jigsaw to
[01:39:36] cut something out I don't think so you
[01:39:38] better wait till he gets home come on
[01:39:39] Mom I know how to do it no I think it's
[01:39:42] too dangerous it'll only take 2 minutes
[01:39:44] I said no that's one that's one that's
[01:39:47] two that's 12 that's 20 that's stupid
[01:39:51] that's two did know you could count that
[01:39:54] high that's three take 10 and add five
[01:39:57] for the mouth gee I'll need a calculator
[01:39:59] for this
[01:40:02] one mom did very well some parents get
[01:40:05] confused by the kids counting you know
[01:40:07] you say that's one they say that's one
[01:40:08] to you
[01:40:10] too what do you do if it's a super
[01:40:13] snotty response that's two and guess
[01:40:15] what they're going to say you know
[01:40:16] that's two to you too kids counting
[01:40:18] doesn't mean anything they might as well
[01:40:19] say the moon is made out of blueberry
[01:40:21] yogurt uh it means nothing so you're the
[01:40:23] only one who's authorized to count
[01:40:26] here's an example of counting in a
[01:40:28] classroom this year we're going to be
[01:40:29] learning about oceans like the Atlantic
[01:40:32] Ocean the Pacific Ocean the Arctic Ocean
[01:40:35] the Indian Ocean we're going to be
[01:40:37] learning all about those kinds of oceans
[01:40:39] and we're going to learn be also
[01:40:40] learning about the creatures that live
[01:40:42] in those oceans Stephanie and Emily
[01:40:45] that's one it's very helpful for quickly
[01:40:48] getting rid of that you know and notice
[01:40:50] that's one rather than come on now girls
[01:40:53] you know you're not supposed to be
[01:40:54] talking now what are you doing now
[01:40:55] you're getting the whole class upset we
[01:40:57] get we get it over with nobody is
[01:40:59] perfect and in the one 123 we certainly
[01:41:01] don't expect you to be perfect so we
[01:41:04] discuss before we stop what we call
[01:41:07] slipping slipping is you fall off the
[01:41:09] wagon you know you're doing well and you
[01:41:11] start talking too much or you start
[01:41:12] getting too excited the causes of
[01:41:14] slipping are travel visitors illness
[01:41:18] just plain time and new babies and
[01:41:21] there's probably a few others but they
[01:41:22] they drol you they get you out of syn
[01:41:25] and so you don't know exactly where you
[01:41:27] stand the good thing about good news
[01:41:29] about slipping is you can recover you
[01:41:32] can redo the the uh uh kickoff
[01:41:34] conversation if you've been going bad
[01:41:36] for you know had a new baby coming
[01:41:37] you've been just out of whack for two
[01:41:39] months sit down redo the kickoff
[01:41:41] conversation guys we've been getting
[01:41:42] really sloppy we're going to do the
[01:41:43] counting again uh you can also do
[01:41:46] recover with what we call short-term
[01:41:48] slipping you're just having a bad day
[01:41:51] and so you start yelling at the kids uh
[01:41:53] and you can recover right in front of
[01:41:54] him let me give you an example he's
[01:41:57] hitting me I was not you're a pig shut
[01:41:59] up you idiot knock it off guys Pig
[01:42:02] idiots now knock it off I am sick and
[01:42:06] tired of you guys picking on each other
[01:42:08] all the
[01:42:10] time don't pinch me don't okay gang I'm
[01:42:15] not doing my job right we're going back
[01:42:17] on Counting as of right now you're both
[01:42:19] on one you hit three and it's 15 minutes
[01:42:23] off your TV time
[01:42:24] tonight it's up to both of you that's
[01:42:28] not fair I wasn't doing anything oh yeah
[01:42:31] little Miss innocent now that's
[01:42:35] two good job by Mom she recovered she
[01:42:38] started by talking too much getting too
[01:42:39] excited and she pulled herself
[01:42:44] together well it's almost time to get
[01:42:46] started remember that in this video
[01:42:49] program we are dealing with difficult
[01:42:51] Behavior like arguing whining or
[01:42:54] fighting in our next video more 123
[01:42:57] Magic we'll talk about how to encourage
[01:42:59] good behavior in your children such as
[01:43:02] going to bed eating and picking up after
[01:43:05] themselves you may be surprised to hear
[01:43:07] what many children say about one two3
[01:43:10] magic they say I like it because Mom and
[01:43:13] Dad don't yell so much discipline will
[01:43:16] always be an inevitable part of raising
[01:43:19] kids when discipline is handled gently
[01:43:21] and efficiently your home becomes more
[01:43:24] peaceful affection unfolds naturally and
[01:43:27] you have more time to have fun with your
[01:43:30] youngsters that's the way it should
[01:43:33] be one two three works if you do it and
[01:43:37] you do it correctly okay especially with
[01:43:39] regard to the no talking and no emotion
[01:43:42] rules that's religion as far as this
[01:43:44] program or any program is concerned if
[01:43:46] you're going to talk too much or get too
[01:43:48] excited you might as well not be here
[01:43:51] 123 works better if both parents use it
[01:43:55] and that almost goes without saying but
[01:43:56] it's a good point however we often get
[01:43:58] questions from I often get questions
[01:44:00] from one parent I'm using it my spouse
[01:44:02] is not we're in the same house can I
[01:44:03] still use it the answer is yes okay uh
[01:44:05] if you're separated uh or divorced and
[01:44:08] you can use it at home even if the other
[01:44:09] person is not we hope they're doing
[01:44:11] something reasonable single parents
[01:44:13] however can use the one two three by
[01:44:15] themselves and it's also helpful for
[01:44:17] other caretakers grandparents you know
[01:44:20] babysitters preschools teachers schools
[01:44:22] uh can use it what if you're struggling
[01:44:25] you you've been doing the one two3 you
[01:44:26] know and and and you're just having a
[01:44:27] struggle struggles with a one 123 can
[01:44:30] come from several different places one
[01:44:32] is marital disagreement a disagreement
[01:44:34] with your spouse all the time it can get
[01:44:36] in the way of doing it so maybe a
[01:44:38] counselor would be indicated counseling
[01:44:40] can also be indicated when one or both
[01:44:42] parents has trouble with a no talking no
[01:44:44] emotion rules what can cause that one
[01:44:47] thing just just one there are plenty one
[01:44:49] thing that can cause trouble with that
[01:44:51] is um depression
[01:44:53] depression can make some people so
[01:44:55] passive that the kids run the house
[01:44:57] depression can make other uh people so
[01:45:00] irritable that they count way too much
[01:45:02] you know I had a lady once she told me
[01:45:04] she said yeah I remember laying in bed
[01:45:05] when I was N9 years old crying what what
[01:45:08] were you crying about I was crying
[01:45:10] because of the way my parents had
[01:45:11] treated me that day they had yelled at
[01:45:14] me and struck me and she said I remember
[01:45:16] 20 years later I'm 29 years old I'm a
[01:45:18] parent I'm laying in bed at night crying
[01:45:21] what are you crying about I just did
[01:45:22] this same thing to my
[01:45:24] kids counseling may be uh in order
[01:45:27] counseling Also may be in order you may
[01:45:29] have to look at the kid you know the
[01:45:31] first two things I mentioned the marital
[01:45:32] and the last one are looking at the
[01:45:34] adult but some kids are a lot more
[01:45:36] difficult now the one two three is for
[01:45:38] average kids as well as special needs
[01:45:40] kids add kids oppositional kids autistic
[01:45:44] kids all they have to have is a mental
[01:45:46] age of two we use it with learning
[01:45:48] disabled hearing impaired visually
[01:45:50] impaired it's so simple it's good for
[01:45:52] almost anybody
[01:45:53] but if you've been doing it for about 3
[01:45:55] weeks or so and you feel like just not
[01:45:57] you know it's it's not falling into
[01:45:59] place maybe it's time to have an
[01:46:00] evaluation uh as far as your child is
[01:46:03] concerned what's the payoff the payoff
[01:46:05] is I think you can enjoy your kids and
[01:46:08] you will feel more when you get the
[01:46:09] discipline stuff out of the way you feel
[01:46:11] more like listening like praising your
[01:46:13] kids and like having fun with them
[01:46:16] teachers feel more like being with the
[01:46:18] kids they have more time for
[01:46:19] instructions in your self-esteem as a
[01:46:21] teacher or a parent I I think will go up
[01:46:24] discipline problems are shorter you get
[01:46:26] them over with let's do our Twinkie
[01:46:28] example you remember the twinky example
[01:46:30] before how's it going to go after the
[01:46:32] 123 has been in place for a while it
[01:46:34] might go something like
[01:46:37] this hey Mom I suppose uh it's too close
[01:46:41] to dinner for a Twinkie you guessed it
[01:46:43] okay oh did I tell you about Melissa's
[01:46:45] party coming out no tell me about it
[01:46:48] issue's done it's over with taken care
[01:46:50] of by good discipline we don't have to
[01:46:52] have a big fight
[01:46:53] one of the best commentaries I ever had
[01:46:55] on the one 12 three came from a mother
[01:46:57] who came to me she had three kids and
[01:46:59] she said you know something Dr faen I
[01:47:01] wake up in the morning depressed on
[01:47:02] school days why are you depressed the
[01:47:05] very thought of getting these kids up
[01:47:07] and out for school is depressing to me
[01:47:10] we taught her the one two three she
[01:47:11] started doing it she came in and she
[01:47:13] said you know I didn't realize how far I
[01:47:14] had come with this she got it shaped up
[01:47:17] you know not perfect but she was doing a
[01:47:18] lot better she said I didn't realize how
[01:47:20] far I had come until Christmas vacation
[01:47:22] I said what do you mean she said the
[01:47:23] kidss came home for Christmas vacation
[01:47:24] we actually had a pretty good time but
[01:47:26] she said I really didn't realize how far
[01:47:28] I had come until after they went back to
[01:47:30] school after Christmas vacation I said
[01:47:32] why she said I missed them for the first
[01:47:34] time in my
[01:47:35] life so we hope something like that may
[01:47:39] happen with you I want to thank you very
[01:47:40] much for coming and I want you to go
[01:47:42] home and go get them good luck with your
[01:47:44] kids thank
[01:47:45] you than
[01:48:00] I think when I grow up I'll use it on my
[01:48:02] kids and I can tell them that when they
[01:48:04] stop I can say my your grandma used this
[01:48:08] on me when I was little and so then they
[01:48:11] know that I didn't just learn it now
[01:48:13] they know that I've known it for almost
[01:48:14] my whole life then
[01:48:16] [Music]
[01:48:30] you understand this a special shot all
[01:48:33] right okay this is uh scene
[01:48:36] 611 take uh
[01:48:39] six
[01:48:42] action hi Mom I suppose uh it's too
[01:48:46] close to didn't have a Twinkie oh back
[01:48:48] now knock yourself out
[01:48:50] kiddo okay
[01:48:56] [Music]
[01:48:58] very funny very
[01:49:00] funny all
[01:49:01] [Laughter]
[01:49:07] thatat it you
[01:49:14] can poor kid got three hours till
[01:49:18] dinner all right let's do the closeups
[01:49:20] on these squeaky
[01:49:23] oh it's not really in the scene as far
[01:49:26] as I'm
[01:49:27] concern I sleep for hours on those
[01:49:29] Twinkies i w you to know Spirit around
[01:49:31] your face nowh